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It seems to be a unanimously accepted fact that there is a cuddle monster in Infinite and that his name is Myungsoo. And no one is more annoyed by that than Myungsoo himself. He might agree grudgingly that he should be thankful instead, with how tolerant and patient his band members are, (almost) never pushing him off, (almost) never getting irritated. But for him, this actually isn’t enough.
He doesn’t attack people with hugs because he has some Craving For Bodies disorder, as everyone seems to think. In fact, he’d be perfectly fine living alone on an uninhabited island, spending his days marveling for as long as he wishes over a landscape view, the texture of a tree trunk or an afternoon sunray. And living with Infinite isn’t that much different: he is just as mesmerized by his members as he is by nature. Well, people are part of nature so that can’t be surprising, but people can also be dangerous and unpredictable and sometimes even not worthy of trust. But his members are reliable and when he is around them, he is allowed to truly be himself.
When his cousins had gotten a puppy, years ago, Myungsoo was so amazed by its velvet fur that he spent the whole evening disregarding his relatives with his face buried behind the soft ears, rubbing his cheek against the fluffy back and inhaling the scent all baby creatures share. So when Sungjongie’s hair glistens in the sun, it is just as natural for him to slide his cheek against its smoothness, stick his nose right behind his ear and fill his lungs with the maknae’s scent. It’d be fair to say that he can’t help doing it, but that would suggest there’s something wrong with it. To Myungsoo, that’s the right way to behave- when you are presented with something beautiful, isn’t it a sin not to appreciate it, not to enjoy it?
When he opens a window at night and sees the moon, he can’t look away until one of the boys shouts that it’s getting too cold in the room. He has seen the moon in all its forms and yet every time it stuns him by just being there, perfect in every way, almost too much for this world, for a human’s eyes and heart. And sometimes when he sees Sungyeol, he’s just as overwhelmed by his friend’s existence. He watches and watches, eyes sliding from the tousled hair to the silky shoulder skin, then to the straight white teeth, red gums, cheeks stretched in a smile, long throat moving with loud laughter, ears pierced but not decorated, almost invisible eyebrows, and underneath all this- the bright and pure spirit of the person he might love the most in the whole world… And Myungsoo can’t stop watching. And if someone doesn’t shout at him, or bump his shoulder, or murmur, ‘Get a grip!’ he can keep staring, who knows until when.
This is normal. But not enough.
When he throws his arm around Woohyun and feels his bony shoulders and his chest erupts with admiration over his hyung’s will; when Dongwoo laughs and he tries to bite him because he’s too cute; when he jumps on Hoya’s back and gives him a victory squeeze after they win a basketball game; when he watches with unblinking eyes Sunggyu sing: at those moments his love for his group members is so much that he doesn’t know how else to express it. When everyone is so used to silly weird Myungsoo losing himself in his own world or glomping others like a baby koala, they don’t seem to notice that he’s actually trying to tell them something by doing that. And that more than a patient acceptance, he’d like to see a reaction, he’d like them to say how they feel about the incredible chance that put them all 7 together, tying their fate, he’d like them to admit how much they love him and each other and enumerate all the reasons for it. But this doesn’t seem to be something boys do- or anyone for that matter. People’s feelings are evidently placed inside them for a reason and nobody seems to want to bring them outside, and Myungsoo can’t find the courage to do it either.
When one afternoon he sees Dongwoo sleeping, one arm over his eyes, the other dangling over the edge of the bed, his eyes and heart are again brimming with awe. The skin of his hyung’s arms is glistening like polished ivory, reflecting the lamp’s light. The sleeping boy’s mouth is slightly open and he looks so innocent and sweet that Myungsoo’s feet carry him forward unconsciously. He squats down in front of the bed and tilts his head to look at the hand stretched towards him. Dongwoo’s fingers are almost white and very bony, so fragile looking that Myungsoo is afraid to touch them. He moves closer to examine the fingernails and only from this distance he is able to notice the signs that this is indeed the hand of a human being, not a wax statue: slightly darker spots, old scars that have disappeared almost completely. Dongwoo hasn’t removed his rings and Myungsoo, still hesitant to touch skin, touches them instead. He has drawn his head so close that his breath fogs up the metal slightly. Dongwoo’s fingers twitch suddenly and Myungsoo whips his head to see if his hyung is awake. Of course he’s not- Myungsoo knows how deeply the other sleeps and yet when he lies down next to his ex-roommate he is as careful as possible. Having found a comfortable space for himself, he stays still for a moment, slowly breathing in his hyung’s scent. Skin, shampoo, detergent, perfume, slept-in bedding.
The sudden desire to inhale Dongwoo’s breath takes him by surprise. He glances at his hyung’s mouth and almost stands up but manages to control himself this time. He only wants to enjoy the other boy’s beauty- the beauty of his body, of his character, of his soul, but no, he also wants Dongwoo to know what delight his existence brings to Myungsoo himself, and also wants him to agree that it’s wonderful that they’re together and to promise that they’ll always be together because that’s what real love is- eternal. The real beauty of the moon and the sunrise, the real beauty of a human being is forever true and Myungsoo wants so much someone with whom he can share his amazement of the beauty of the world that his chest hurts. He has to will tears back, lips pressed stubbornly. Why is it that the closer he gets, the more he wants? More and more and more.
Myungsoo carefully puts his left hand on Dongwoo’s chest, where he thinks his heart is but can’t feel anything. So he slides his hand, ever so slowly, over Dongwoo’s tee, feeling his prominent ribs and fighting the urge to drape his whole body over the shorter and much thinner boy, to merge them into one, to give his heart and its beat to Dongwoo. His hand reaches his hyung’s throat and gently, barely touching closes around it. There, on the one side he can feel the heartbeat.
He wants everything now.
With that realization, he pushes himself up on his elbows over the other boy, nose sniffing every centemetre of his chest until it finally finds the smooth place behind the jaw and under the ear and then nose and mouth inhale again and again, as if trying to suck in not the scent but the soul of the sleeper. He has craned forward so much that his elbows give way and then his whole body crashes over poor Dongwoo, who starts and sputters a ‘what what?’ while trying to push Myungsoo off himself. When he can breathe again his eyes widen and he lets out a small laugh.
‘What are you doing?’
Myungsoo, retreated to the other side of the bed, guesses he should be apologizing but instead he feels disappointed and even annoyed so he lowers his gaze and doesn’t say anything, unconsciously jutting his lower lip.
Dongwoo doesn’t seem to notice his sullen mood as he laughs again, louder, and even extends a hand to pat him on the cheek.
‘Why are you making such baby faces?’
This manages to offend Myungsoo even more. So he’s a baby now. A baby who wants to cuddle. Is that all Dongwoo sees?
‘I am not a baby,’ he hisses through his teeth, and then lifts his eyes to see Dongwoo opening his mouth and lifting his eyebrows in obvious puzzlement.
‘What?’ he manages. Perhaps alarmed by the furrowing of Myungsoo’s eyebrows, he assumes a more serious tone. ‘What are you talking about, I know you’re not a baby, you’re even taller than me.’ And then with a voice which reveals how careful he’s being, he asks, ‘Are you all right? Do you… do you want to talk? Do you want a hug?’
The last word wipes any patience Myungsoo has left and he crawls right in front of the other boy. Right now he’s so overwhelmed with emotions that he’s not sure whether he wants to punch something or shout or cry.
‘If I tell you what I want,’ he says with a trembling voice, ‘will you give it to me?’
Dongwoo’s face is the picture of confusion and any other time Myungsoo would have felt guilty that he was spilling out his forever hidden feelings over his most patient hyung, but now he can’t keep them inside anymore.
So Myungsoo opens his mouth… and suddenly can’t find the words he’s always wanted to share. Maybe because he is beyond words now, beyond thoughts. He doesn’t want to convey an idea, he wants to let Dongwoo inside himself and let him explore on his own. So he snatches one of his hyung’s hands and puts it over his heart.
‘Can you feel it?’ he rasps.
Dongwoo, his eyes still puzzled, shakes his head hesitantly.
Then Myungsoo slides the hand over his chest and up to his throat.
‘Now?’
His hyung is watching him with something akin to worry, so Myungsoo, in his desperation, lifts Dongwoo’s hand to his lips and tenderly kisses the smooth skin there. And then rubs his cheek over it, and then turns it and kisses the inside of the wrist too. Now it’s impossible to stop himself, the skin is too perfect, the veins and the light hairs- hypnotizing. So he covers every part of the forearm he can reach with kisses, some quick and gentle, some slow and worshipping. But even kisses can’t express his adoration so he bites the skin carefully, sucking slightly. When he suddenly remembers himself and stops, his heart contracts in panic. He had let the inside out.
Myungsoo lifts his eyes with dread to his hyung’s face. Dongwoo’s eyes are closed though, his mouth left slightly open, whether from surprise or something else, but most importantly, he doesn’t seem revolted. He seems accepting… as he always is.
‘Do you…’ Myungsoo has to clear his throat to speak. ‘Do you understand now?’ His heart is clenched in fear and in hope that this isn’t just a hyung tolerating his dongsaeng type of thing.
He watches as Dongwoo opens his eyes slowly and meets his. ‘I think I do,’ he whispers.
Myungsoo furrows his eyebrows. ‘Do you or don’t you?’
In return, Dongwoo’s lips stretch in a grin. ‘The more you show me, the more I’ll understand, you know.’
This sounds logical. ‘And you are OK? With me showing you.’ Myungsoo is still unsure.
Dongwoo only smiles, that smile which can mean a million and one things and which Myungsoo most surely does not understand. But he is finally given a chance to show himself to someone and he isn’t going to waste it. So he moves his knees a bit, to get himself over Dongwoo’s legs, raises his arms to put them over Dongwoo’s shoulders and sticks his nose under Dongwoo’s jaw. Breathes in and out. And again, in and out. Then feels his hyung’s hands on his back- one between his shoulder blades, one on his lower back and his heart might be breaking. He slides his hands over his hyung’s back too and squeezes. He doesn’t have to be careful now so he pulls the other boy to himself, pressing him to his chest, as close as possible, so close that he can feel the buttons of his own shirt and even the ribs of Dongwoo, of his sweet tender hyung, pressing into his skin. Inside him the whirlwind of joy, gratitude and adoration is spinning faster and faster until he feels dizzy with it and an embarrassing whine gets out of his throat.
‘That much. Do you understand? So, so much! So very much…’ He’s whispering into Dongwoo’s neck and receives a squeeze back.
‘I know. I do. I do understand now.’
Myungsoo’s eyes fill with tears. His whole being feels heavy with delight and relief and he lets his weight fall on Dongwoo, whose back hits the matress in turn. Then Myungsoo can hear and feel the characteristic giggle of his hyung.
‘You wanted a hug after all. Cuddle monster Myungsoo,’ Dongwoo murmurs and this time the monster finds it hard to object.