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Sol felt the familiar burn in the back of her throat as she made the tears cease that were threatening to fall. Jiwan seemed to have passed out, her hands still clutching her arms and Sol took a long breath and gently pushed her away so she could lay her back down.
Again she had gotten her hopes up only to be disappointed because she took Jiwan’s confession to mean something else entirely and it was her own fault for thinking maybe she shared the same feelings. The jealously Jiwan showed was only because she was scared to lose her friend and nothing more.
Sol got up and went and got a warm rag so she could wipe Jiwan’s face. As she passed Na-Bi on the way back, neither spoke but Na-Bi had offered a tentative smile which Sol found herself unable to return. She was too tired.
Jiwan had held her heart for so many years and now it started to hurt too much. She walked back into the room and the other girl was right where she had left her except she had a smile on her face, she was no longer asleep.
“I knew you’d come back. You always come back to me.” Jiwan said in a quite slurred tone.
“I just came to wash your face for bed.” She responded and leaned down on her knees.
Jiwan leaned up too fast and was starting to tilt back over until Sol grabbed her arm to steady her. As she washed her face, watching as the rag went over her cheek, Sol couldn’t help but imagine it was her hand instead. ‘you are my favorite person’ still rang in her ears, over and over so clearly it was as if Jiwan was repeating what she had said again and again.
“Sol you are so pretty, your eyebrows really are perfect.” Jiwan broke the silence in the air, reaching up to trace one of Sol’s eyebrows.
“I know, you told me you were jealous before.” Sol finished what she was doing, wanted to put some space between them and started to move away. “It is time for you to go back to sleep.”
Jiwan grabbed her wrist, stopping her from getting up and Sold could smell the alcohol on her breath lingering. “I wasn’t jealous because I thought you were prettier. I was jealous because whoever you pick will be the luckiest person in the world.” Jiwan grabbed Sol’s shirt and brought her close to her and hugged her. If she noticed how tense Sol was she didn’t mention it.
Sol wanted to wrap her arms around her in return but she always wanted to push her away. Did Jiwan know what this was doing to her? Was she really cruel? Had she hid her feelings so deep that Jiwan really didn’t know or did she know somehow and is playing on her feelings?
The only person she would pick in this life didn’t want her. Sol wanted to say they should both get some sleep, opened her mouth to say the words aloud but Jiwan pulled back just enough to where their noses were almost touching and leaned forward and brushed her lips against Sols.
It lasted only a second as Sol jerked away, falling over on her butt in shock. How many times had she thought of kissing her friend, wondering how it would feel, for it to happen as a drunken mishap, too quick, without purpose.
Even before when they all were playing spin the bottle, Sol couldn’t allow their first kiss to be because of a stupid game, even if she knew a kiss between them would never happen.
“Why did you do that? You’re not thinking clearly because you drank too much..” Jiwan started to pout and if would have been any other moment Sol would have caved. Her pout always distracted her, made her forgive her for everything.
Jiwan moved pretty quickly for someone who was intoxicated and found herself straddling Sol. Her knees on the outside of her thighs and plopped down, not allowing Sol to move to get up. “What are you doing?” Sol asked, her heart beating so hard in her chest that it would be impossible for it to not be visible for anyone’s eyes to see. Ba doom, ba doom, ba doom.
“On the ferris wheel, I felt it, when you grabbed my hand and I’ve had you in my mind the whole day, wondering if you liked Yu Se-Hun. I don’t want you to like him.” She said before grabbing Sol’s face and kissing her harder than the first time, almost to the point of bruising.
Sol tried to pull back in protest but Jiwans lips followed her. “I only want you to like me ” She whispered against Sols lips and for a brief moment Sol allowed herself to indulge.
Allowed herself to move her lips against her friends, kissing her back with every repressed emotion she had ever felt. Jiwan let out a soft moan, and tangled her hands in Sols hair as Sol gripped Jiwan’s sides, holding her steady, to either push her away or pull her closer she wasn’t entirely sure.
Minus the alcohol and the mistaken confession, the moment would have been perfect. Any day dreaming Sol had done could not measure up to the reality of her lips on hers, her body against hers. It felt too good to be true. As much as she wanted to melt into the other girl, she had to put a stop to it because at the end of the night one of them was drunk out of their mind.
As quickly as it started it came to a halt and Sol escaped and turned her head. “If you like me, tell me when you are sober.” She said as they caught their breath.
Jiwan let out a sigh, disappointed. “Lay with me until I fall asleep.” She rolled her legs off of Sol and layed down beside her and after a few moments she felt the other girl lie down as well, throwing her arm around her before she let sleep claim her.
Sol laid there for a while replaying the whole night in her head, from the start of the game until Jiwan finally went to sleep. She wanted to hope Jiwan meant what she thought she meant. How long had she been the dutiful friend and asked Jiwan how her dates went when it hurt to know the answer. How long had her friend smiled at her and she had found herself unable to look away because the other girl was completely captivating. She would know more tomorrow, they would talk and she would finally know the truth.
The next day
Jiwan woke up with a groan, her head pounding and her stomach rolling. She cracked an eye open and looked around, Sol was already awake and probably with the rest of their friends.
Ugh what did she do last night. Everything coming back to her in waves, crashing against the surface. How could she face Sol this morning. She had kissed her, twice. Her best friend. She felt like she was going to throw up. Sol would never forgive her, she probably hated her but God, when Sol kissed her back. If her head wasn’t hurting as bad she would think about the butterflies in her stomach and how she wished Sol was still here holding her as she always did.
It felt like a delicious dream but the idea of messing up their friendship scared her, she needed Sol in her life and couldn’t afford to lose her.
Jiwan got up and got dressed, eyes struggling to stay open with the light. She needed to stop drinking if she can’t control herself better than that. When she came outside, everyone was already eating breakfast and Yu-Se Hun was already sitting beside Sol, taking her place.
Sol looked up, meeting her eyes, and Jiwan tried to give her a smile but it felt more like a grimace as the smell of the food curled her stomach and she sunk into the chair behind Sol, facing away from her. It was going to be a long day.
Everyone around her was talking and all she could think about was the tingling on her lips and it made her hold her breath. She couldn’t deal with it and so when she was asked if she remembered last night. She took the easiest way out. Sol couldn’t hate her if she didn’t remember what she had did.
It sounded simple in her mind, a imperfect solution to the problem of her having to evaluate her feelings just yet. She just hoped she hadn’t hurt Sol too much and didn’t damage their friendship beyond repair.
Sol had turned around and tapped on her shoulder, giving her the bowl of food she had. “Here try some of this, it will help with your hangover.” Her voice didn’t have the lightness she usually had but she always put Jiwan before herself and it hurt to know she was the cause of her pain.
“Thank you Sol.” It took everything she had to pull her eyes away from Sols as she felt their fingers touch as she passed the bowl of food to her. But she felt it, lingering inside, stopping her from breathing air for just a moment. It felt heavy.
Thinking of those fingers, of her friend, those lips. “I don’t know how I would live without you.” It was true. She had told Na-Bi how she had joined the art program only because she wanted to stay with Sol.
If she was honest with herself. She didn’t have to reevaluate anything. The anger she had felt for days after she learned of Sol applying for the foreign exchange student. It was only a small portion of her not telling her as to why she was angry.
She was most angry at the idea of Sol leaving her, leaving her behind and the idea hurt more than anything. The anger when she showed up with that guy, wasn’t because she didn’t tell her she had a boyfriend, it was because she couldn’t stand the idea of someone making Sol laugh like she did. Someone touching Sol. It had made her blood boil red.
No one knew her like she did, how amazing she was, how brave. Sol was more than a pretty face. Every time You Se-Hun asked questions about Sol, she wanted to tell at him that she wasn’t interested.
But Sol deserved someone who wasn’t a coward. Here she was acting like she didn’t kiss her and that nothing had happened last night.
As the day went on Sol didn’t talk unless someone talked to her and Jiwan wanted to scream at herself for being such a idiot. Sol never once had even said she liked women much less her and now there was a crack starting to spread like a crack in the glass and she needed to fix it.
She had tried to act like everything was normal but Sol was hurt, upset that she didn’t remember last night. What was she supposed to do now.
The car ride back to Seoul was filled with mindless chatter, the only comfort was that she got to sit in the middle of Yu Se-Hun and Sol in the backseat.
Occasionally her thigh would find Sols and it would be warm and it was all she could focus on. There had been a moment when Kyu-Hyun came too fast in a corner and Jiwan had been pushed against Sol, her hand now rested on her thigh and it felt hot to the touch and Jiwan felt Sol’s eyes swallow her alive.
The moment broken as Bit-Na berated Kyu-Hyun’s driving skills. She mumbled a quick sorry and looked ahead, like she wasn’t looking into Sol’s eyes or thinking about last night or thinking of Sol telling her to stop getting her hopes up
When they finally arrived back and as they walked down the sidewalk, Jiwan tried again to act normal but Sol wanted to be alone and it hurt. After watching Sol walk away from her, she wanted to run up to her and hug her, ask what she needed to do to fix this rift but she stood still, continued to watch Sol get further away from her. She would give it a day or two to see if things got better and if not she would figure out something, she couldn’t lose her best friend.
She finally arrived back at her home and took off her shoes and dropped her bag by the door. She allowed herself to sink to the floor and cry.