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The three of them sat in complete silence on their way back to the Jedi Temple. Mortis had been quite a lot, and each of them had their own demons to face.
Obi Wan was wondering how hard it must have been for Anakin to have to watch his own Padawan turn to the Dark Side and try to kill him. Obi Wan was wondering, with all that had transpired, would he have to face that same fate?
Anakin’s mind was a complete mess. Jumping from thought to thought, and feeling only fear and confusion. Ahsoka had turned to the Dark Side. Ahsoka had died, right in front of him. The Daughter had helped her and Anakin had brought Ahsoka back, but she had been gone. Then, there was a gap in his memories of the planet. He knew that the Son had shown him something and that the Father had made him forget. Each time he tried to remember he would feel only fear, and anger, and pain. So much pain. He couldn’t remember anything solid, but he felt so much pain, and he knew that he had to be the cause.
Ahsoka was exhausted. The trip had been extremely draining, and while she couldn’t remember any of her time on the Dark Side, Obi Wan had told her enough. There was a cold, gnawing ache deep in her bones, and her mind was foggy. She was exhausted, but she dared not close her eyes for more than a second. She had died. She had been gone, there was an emptiness in her memory. She remembered being taken and held captive. She remembered being bitten by what she now realised was the Son. Then there was only darkness, a cold darkness filled with an icy kind of rage, and bone chilling fear. Then there was an empty darkness. There was nothing in that darkness. Then, she remembered a bright flash of light, a gentle warmth filling her entire body, a feeling of hope. Then she was wrapped in her master's arms, and they had to get back to the mission. Things had only gotten worse then.
Still, after all that had happened, and in spite of the exhaustion filling her, she dared not close her eyes for more than a second.
“I suppose I had best brief the council.” Obi Wan seemed so unsure as he stepped off the ship. “You two, go and get some sleep. That’s an order.”
Anakin didnt even know how he had gotten back to their suite. His mind was foggy with exhaustion. He barely registered Ahsoka next to him as he slumped down onto their couch and ran his hands down his face. He needed to sleep. He could barely think straight let alone process everything that had just happened. But when he closed his eyes, he felt fear, and pain, and heard the screams of his found family. He felt a dip as Ahsoka slumped down next to him.
“Do you want to talk about it, Snips?” His words almost came out slurred.
“Yeah,” She dropped one of her arms over eyes and leaned back. “But not yet, I don’t even know what to say.”
“I know.”
Ahsoka looked over at her Master, he was covered in dirt and grime, his hair was so wild it was practically standing on end. His eyes were bloodshot and sunken. “You look terrible.”
“Thanks Snips, makes me feel so much better.” Anakin looked over at his Padawan. If he looked terrible, she surely looked worse. “You should get some sleep. You don’t look your best either.”
“No thanks, I’m not really that tired.” Ahsoka punctuated her sentence with a long drawn out yawn, and Anakin gave her a blank look. “Okay, fine.” Ahsoka stood from the lounge and moved towards her room, “I’ll go to bed.” Not gonna go to sleep though.
Anakin stretched out on the couch and leaned his head against the armrest. He wasn’t stupid. He was cocky and arrogant but he wasn't stupid. Mortis had taken a lot out of him, and he was physically spent. He would need to sleep. But he knew what he would see, what he would hear, what he would feel, the moment that he closed his eyes. He stared at the ceiling and reached out into the force. He was feeling for Ahsoka. When she had died, he hadn’t been able to feel her force signature. The absence of her presence, normally so loud and bold and enthusiastic, had hit him with the force of a supernova. In spite of not wanting a Padawan in the first place, he had gotten so used to her being around. He had gotten used to her silly nicknames and snippy comments. Then she was gone. He could feel her, she was lying in bed in her room, but she wasn’t sleeping, and she felt afraid. He felt so much fear coming from her and it broke his heart. He would've been on his feet in an instant if he’d had the energy. Instead, he stood slowly and began to make his way to her room.
Ahsoka collapsed onto her bed. Even the simple act of walking from the couch to the bed had been a monumental effort. She curled up around one of her pillows and stared blankly at the stone wall across from her. She had turned to the dark side, and she had tried to kill her Master. Tried to kill Anakin. And then she died. The Son, the Dark Side, was done with her and she was thrown to the side. She had watched Anakin turn evil in the face of what he had been shown. But she just felt empty, the feelings were too much for her to process. That emptiness felt too familiar. She felt twin tears slide down her cheeks, and she felt afraid, and she felt ashamed. Jedi weren’t supposed to feel fear, they weren’t supposed to turn to the Dark Side and betray their Masters. She was a terrible Jedi.
She clung tightly to her pillow and reached out into the Force, feeling for her Master. Strangely, he felt like he was just outside her door.
“Snips,” Anakin called out. “I know you’re still awake. Can I come in please?” She was still awake. She had been ordered to sleep, and here she was disobeying orders again. She really was a terrible Jedi. Too afraid to follow orders, lest she never open her eyes again. “Snips. I can feel that you’re afraid, it's okay. I’m scared too.” But was it really okay? Fear was the great enemy of the Jedi, fear and attachment. She had too much of both. “Ahsoka, if you don’t answer me I’m coming in.” Tentatively she reached out for Anakin’s Force signature. She felt a great deal of exhaustion, but also worry, and fear.
Anakin opened her door slowly and poked his head in. He wouldn’t normally push at a boundary like this, but what he was feeling down their bond was really worrying him. He took in the sight in front of him. She looked so small, cured up around one of her pillows and her usually bright, smiling face streaked with tears. “Oh, Snips.” He walked inside and sat down on her bed, scooping her into a hug. A bit too attached for the Jedi, but Kriff the rules. She was his Padawan, he was supposed to look after her, and she had died, and they’d both turned to the Dark and all he could do now was try and offer them both some comfort.
“I’m sorry Master.” Her words were choked and broken and he only held her tighter as he felt his own tears sting at his eyes.
“I’m sorry too, Snips.” He shuffled back on the bed so that they were leaning against the wall.
“I can’t sleep, Master.” She rested her head against his chest and he reached his flesh hand up to stroke her lek. “What if I don’t wake up?”
Anakin’s heart practically stopped beating. No wonder she was so afraid.
“I know that we’re not supposed to be afraid, I’m sorry Master.” He felt a wave of shame through the Force. His protective side kicked straight in. She had nothing to be ashamed of.
“Ahsoka,” He rested his chin on the top of her head, between her montrals. “You’re allowed to feel afraid. Can you feel me in Force, Padawan?” She went still for a moment before nodding her head against his chest. “I’m terrified. If I close my eyes, I hear and feel those awful things. I’m so afraid, Ahsoka, but that’s okay. We can feel fear, but we can’t let it control us.” He stroked her lek for a little longer, trying to calm the both of them down. “We’re both afraid to go to sleep, but that’s okay. We can’t force the fear to go away, but we can manage it so that we don’t let it control us.”
Ahsoka reached a hand up to wipe at her eyes, and Anakin felt her reaching out to him in the Force. Tentatively, she was offering him comfort. He offered it right back to her. Continuing to gently stroke her lek until both of their heart rates evened out and they finally got their sleep.