Work Text:
Cassie's tired eyes were fixed on her bedroom door, on every tiny nick that highlighted the wooden grain. Her legs felt too numb to hold the already low weight of her body if she managed to stand up to leave her bedroom after hours of lying in bed, her body snuggled up in a fragile and secure position. She didn't want to go out anyway, so why bother? For Cassie, an outside world was created for girls like Michelle, the adorably faultless beauty queens who didn't have to beg for someone who can love them for who they are. She pictured herself in Michelle's world, where everybody has great friends and someone to love them. However, the beauty queen has proven to be everything that she presumed: a shattered, flawed mess. She clenched her eyes shut to keep the tears from streaming down her swollen cheeks. A tired and heavy feeling escaped her tired body, triggering a stream of pain-filled tears. Fighting was pointless since her room was empty and she could express her anguish without being judged.
A small buzzing noise emerged from her nightstand. Cassie reached for her phone, caressing the small yellow stars she used to decorate it in her happier moment. The light-up screen illuminated her face and announced a new message. The name alone on the screen could brighten her existence, but at this moment it produced a stinging feeling alongside an ache in her throat.
Sid: Cass, I want to talk to you
Delete. And just like that, the message was gone and out of her universe. The phone buzzed again.
Sid: Cassie, please!
She wanted to convince herself so desperately that she didn’t need his presence. Sid made it clear he didn’t want to spend a minute with her, but the worst of all was he gave her hope to carry on and wish for brighter days. Brighter days that included him and his clumsy conversations and shy sloppy kisses.
Cassie: Leave me alone
A response came almost immediately and she wondered if he is the same position as her: sitting on his bed, sobbing and holding onto his phone for dear life.
Sid: I’m sorry I hurt you just tell me what I did please
All the things unsaid wanted to be heard so loudly with that message that she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. Although her inner voice was loud, the desire to yell faded quickly. Cassie could shout at Sid, banish him to hell, or start crying all again, but then all the things she loved about him would hit her like a ton of bricks, throwing her back into the vortex of remorse.
Cassie: I never stood a chance, did I?
The sound of her phone ringing filled the room, Sid. Cassie waited till the ringing faded always, but the screen of the phone lit up almost immediately followed by her ringtone. She carefully pressed the green button, ready to end this charade once for all, but before she managed to utter a syllable, Sid already started ramble.
„What do you mean you never stood a chance? I honestly don’t understand, what’s the ma—„
„You well damn know what's going on, Sid!" She couldn't keep her voice from rising; she needed to confront all she was feeling and just how much he has hurt her to heal her system. „I asked you to go out with me, and you accepted! You said yes even though you knew you didn't want to go and wouldn't show up. You were planning, right? I never stood a chance because you didn't give it to me in the first place. It felt so lovely when you agreed, why’d you even say yes?“
Sid was deafeningly quiet on the other end of the line; all she could hear was his heavy breathing and perhaps the sound of him trying to come up with a response, but not a word made it through the phone.
"I love you," she said so quickly that she didn't realize what she had spoken at first. Her fingers struggled to maintain the phone next to her ear as the sobs shuddered her entire body. „I love you and you don’t love me back because I don’t stand a chance against Michelle“.
Cassie heard enough of Sid’s silence. With one click, she hung up the phone and tossed it at a pile of clothes in the corner of her bedroom. She couldn’t decide what hurt her more, Sid’s lack of words or that if she waited for the response, he would agree with her; she’s not Michelle and never stood a chance.