Chapter Text
To Crave a Dementor's Kiss
Tonks looked down at Bill’s unconscious form, lying on the bed in the Hospital Wing. His face was completely disfigured by deep gouges crossing his cheek from hairline to jaw. His bedside was surrounded by grave faces. Death Eaters had attacked Hogwarts. Dumbledore was dead. Bill was horribly injured. When had the world become such a dark and terrible place?
Tonks couldn’t help it. Her eyes travelled to the one person from whom she longed to seek comfort. But still Remus avoided her gaze. But what was new there? That had been their relationship for the past year. Remus avoiding her gaze. This time two years ago, they had just been getting to know each other. They had enjoyed months of friendship and laughter and flirting. And now he wouldn’t even look at her.
Merlin, why was she still clinging to this? Why couldn’t she just let him go? If he was so determined to make himself miserable, why couldn’t she just let him? Maybe if she could just walk away, she would be happy again. Even in a world that was full of darkness like this one. Even in a world where war was raging and where Dumbledore was dead and where Bill was injured and where everything was wrong.
But with one sentence, he had destroyed her ability to walk away. Why couldn’t he have just told her he didn’t want her? She would have believed it. And that would have been that. But no. He had to go and tell her that he loved her. And it had ruined everything.
She wanted to believe that he didn’t love her back. It would be so much easier. But she couldn’t. She had tried so many times to convince herself of it. But the evidence before her eyes had said something different. And until the evidence said he didn’t love her, her damn traitorous heart refused to walk way.
Her hair had fallen into her face. She pushed it away impatiently, annoyed at the drab brown colour. Molly and Arthur and Fleur had rushed in and Arthur was asking Remus what to expect from Bill’s condition. But Tonks barely heard them. She couldn’t register the meaning of the words. She just stood there as Molly cleaned Bill’s wounds and Remus watched the pair of them and Tonks watched Remus watching them.
Tonks’s mind drifted. She remembered happier times. Her mind drifted far away from the Hospital Wing and all the pain it held. Was it to protect herself or to torture herself?
Tonks felt excitement coursing through her as she sat straight in her seat at the scrubbed wooden table. Funny to be here in this house of all places. She had heard her mum mention spending time in this house when she was a child visiting her aunt and uncle and cousins; but Tonks had never been here. By the time she was born, Mum was far from welcome. Neither had been particularly sad about this. Mum had never described the place with fondness, and already Tonks thought she could see why.
Her eyes roved the room, taking in its many occupants. From his seat across the table near the kitchen door, Kingsley winked at her. She grinned back. Next to her, Mad-Eye cleared his throat. She flushed and returned her attention to Dumbledore who was speaking.
He was welcoming them. Explaining why they were here. Explaining the purpose of the Order of the Phoenix. She was listening. Really she was. Professor Dumbledore was explaining that You-Know-Who had been resurrected. That he had returned. It wasn’t that she wasn’t listening. It was just that… Well, they all already knew this. They would not be there if they didn’t. She had heard this story already from Mad-Eye when he had invited her here. And while it was all very shocking and exciting, Dumbledore really wasn’t saying anything new. And so her mind wandered. She couldn’t help but look around the room, taking in this remarkable group of people with awe. She felt somehow both honoured and small. She was surrounded by legends.
There were so many faces she recognised. Some she remembered from school. How very odd to be in a room with them now as equals. Professor Snape was also eying the occupants of the room, but he was doing so quite suspiciously. Tonks looked away sharply as her eyes met Snape’s; blimey but his gaze made her feel like she was in Potions class again and failing spectacularly at her assignment. Professor McGonagall was sitting near the head of the table, her face as serious as always as she listened to Dumbledore speaking. Hagrid shifted and his chair creaked loudly in protest to his weight.
Other faces Tonks recognised from the around the Ministry. She recognised Elphias Doge, Special Advisor to the Wizengamot, and Emmeline Vance from the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. Near the back, there was a red-headed man she knew worked on her floor at the Ministry but whose name she couldn’t recall. He sat with his arm around a plump woman Tonks supposed to be his wife. This woman looked terribly worried and was wringing her hands as she listened to Dumbledore speak.
And then, directly across the table, Tonks again cast a glance at Sirius Black. She still couldn’t believe he was sitting there completely relaxed. He was probably the most wanted criminal in the country. And yet here he sat, leaning back on the hind two legs of his chair, as casual as one could be. Even though she had been assured he was falsely accused and was in fact innocent, she couldn’t help but to be shocked by his presence.
Seated between Sirius and Kingsley was a man Tonks didn’t know. He was leaning against the back of his chair, arms crossed across his chest, listening to Dumbledore attentively with a sombre expression on his face.
“Harry showed remarkable bravery and resilience,” Dumbledore was saying and Tonks saw sad pride in his face. “And it is to our benefit that Voldemort had not expected Harry to make it out of that graveyard alive. He spoke the names of several of his Death Eaters believing that Harry would never be able to pass that information on.”
“Have those names been extended to the Ministry?” Emmeline Vance was asking, her quill poised above a piece of parchment on which she had been taking notes.
“Most unfortunately, Cornelius has decided that the testimony of a fourteen-year-old wizard does not have merit. He has chosen the path of denial. I am afraid we cannot count on action against Voldemort or the Death Eaters from the Ministry of Magic.
“Which brings us to why I have called you all here today—”
Tonks saw Sirius Black lean over to the man next to him and whisper something in his ear. The other man had been looking very grave and thoughtful until whatever Sirius said made him huff a small quiet laugh. He turned his head to look at Sirius, a broad smile on his face. He muttered something in response which had Sirius throwing his head back and his chest heaving in silent laughter. The second man turned his attention back to Dumbledore, still smiling.
It was his smile that had drawn her attention. Nice even teeth with crinkles around the eyes which were quite endearing. Tonks was curiously studying the mystery man across the table. He looked familiar, though Tonks was sure she had never met him. It was a good face, she decided. A kind face. Despite being quite young, his light brown hair was streaked with grey and worry lines marred his forehead. But in that moment, laughing with a friend, he looked quite care-free. How did she know that face? She was sure she had seen it before.
Abruptly, Tonks jumped as there was a sudden rustling and screeching of chairs as people all around the room began to rise from their seats. Several people were gathering parchments on which they had been taking notes or packing bags. Tonks glanced to her left and her gaze met a mismatched pair of eyes, one beady and dark, the other bright electric blue. And both fixed on Tonks with annoyance.
“Honestly, Tonks,” growled Mad-Eye. “Were you paying any attention at all? I brought you here to be useful, not to sit around daydreaming.”
“I was paying attention!”
Mad-Eye grumbled something indistinguishable under his breath as he laboured to his feet. He reached down to adjust his wooden leg. “I have to speak to Dumbledore. Don’t get into trouble. We’ll head out together in a minute.”
Grumbling internally, Tonks turned away as Mad-Eye stomped in Dumbledore’s direction. She might have made rude gesture at his retreating back if she wasn’t fairly sure his magical eye was still fixed on her. Exactly what trouble did he think she was going to get into?
All around the room, people were mingling and chatting, getting to know their new teammates or exchanging pleasantries with those they already knew. Tonks sidled around the table in Kingsley’s direction, heading toward the only other person in the room she truly knew on a personal level. Quite conveniently, Kingsley just happened to be in conversation with Sirius Black and the brown-haired man with the nice smile.
Kingsley was laughing at whatever Sirius had just said. “Well, I look forward to meeting him,” Kingsley was saying.
“You should. ‘Cause he’s one hell of a kid,” replied Sirius. “And pretty much a miniature James,” he added with a wink at the brown-haired man who just smiled back quietly.
“Oh, Tonks,” said Kingsley, catching sight of her.
“Wotcher, Kingsley!”
“Do you know Tonks?” he asked the other two men. “She works with me in the Auror Office.” Then to Tonks, he began introductions. “I’m sure I don’t have to introduce you to Sirius Black...”
Sirius reached out a hand, grinning. “Hardly,” replied Tonks, taking the outstretched hand. “Your wanted poster is on the wall just outside my cubicle,” she informed him matter-of-factly.
“Ah. Planning to arrest me, are you?” Sirius asked her, still grinning completely unconcernedly.
Tonks shrugged. “We’ll see how it goes,” she replied easily. Sirius’s grin widened in response.
“And this is Remus Lupin,” Kingsley continued, gesturing to the brown-haired man.
Tonks had only just taken Remus’s hand when she froze as the name stirred something in her memory. “Oh. I only just realised where I recognised you from.” The smile on Remus’s face slipped. They stood, looking at each other, hand-in-hand, but they both seemed to have forgotten how a hand-shake worked. “You were in the Daily Prophet last year, weren’t you? You’re the werewolf teacher.”
Abruptly, Remus seemed incapable of meeting her eye. He extracted his hand awkwardly from hers and looked away.
“The ‘werewolf teacher!’” said Sirius lightly, clearly trying to break a tension that Tonks had unwittingly created. “It has a nice sort of ring to it, Moony. Maybe it could be the name of your memoirs.”
“Right,” replied Remus tersely.
“Your fame precedes you,” Sirius continued, thumping Remus on the back good-naturedly.
“‘My ‘infamy’, would be the more accurate word,” replied Remus dryly. He was not looking at any of them, preferring to look out blankly across the room. Tonks was realising she had put her foot in it and was struggling to find a way to undo it.
“Well… I think the whole thing was rubbish. They should never have sacked you just for being a werewolf.”
Remus blinked and then looked back at her at last. He regarded her with a strange expression on his face which she couldn’t quite read. “Is that a foolish thing to say?” she asked, confused as to why he looked so incredulous and shocked.
“Just… not a very popular opinion,” he replied slowly. “But technically they didn’t sack me—though I think they would have been right to do so. I resigned. I put the students’ lives in danger by being there.”
“Well. I still call bullocks.” Tonks shrugged to accentuate this point. Remus was frowning at her as though he really couldn’t get his head around her at all.
“What are you up to these days, Remus?” Kingsley asked, blessedly drawing the attention away from Tonks. Remus turned his gaze to Kingsley, but Tonks noticed Sirius looking between him and Tonks with his head cocked thoughtfully and a small grin turning up the corner of his mouth.
“This, I suppose,” said Remus gesturing around the kitchen. “Employment opportunities have been a little sparse of late…”
“Remus is moving in here along with the Weasley family. They’re going to help me get this place suitable for Headquarters. And keep me from going completely insane.”
“Hey, now. I didn’t agree to that last part. I know a losing battle when I see one,” Remus said, with a small smile to his friend. Sirius barked out a laugh.
“You’re staying in the country then?” asked Kingsley of Sirius.
“Yeah. I’ll be here as long as Harry needs me. I want to stay close for him. But Dumbledore’s insisting I can’t leave this house. Already going stir-crazy and it’s only been a few days…”
At that moment, Emmeline Vance came up behind Kingsley and captured his attention. He nodded to the rest of them, before turning to a conversation with her and Elphias Doge. This left Tonks awkwardly standing next to Sirius and Remus and not at all sure if she should excuse herself too.
“So Tonks. Any relation to Ted Tonks,” asked Sirius.
“My dad.”
“You don’t say. So you’re Andromeda’s daughter! I remember your birth announcement. But I wasn’t allowed to visit, thanks to dear ol’ Mummy’s opinion on ‘blood-traitors.’” He said this last word with an eye roll to ensure Tonks knew his opinion on that score. “Nymphadora, isn’t it?”
“Oh, lord. Don’t call me Nymphadora! It’s just Tonks.”
Sirius grinned but didn’t press it. “Tonks, then. So you must be my—”
“Cousin, yes,” replied Tonks.
“Well, you don’t say,” replied Sirius again. “You remember Andromeda, don’t you, Remus? She was a good few years ahead of us at Hogwarts. I think she graduated when we were just in second year. But she was always my favourite cousin.”
“To be fair, I think most of our cousins set the bar very low,” replied Tonks wryly.
Sirius barked out another loud laugh. “You could say that again! Well, I think you and I are going to get on just fine, Tonks!” He grinned at her and she grinned back. She wasn’t sure what she expected from Sirius Black, but this had not quite been it. But she was happy to be wrong.
Remus Lupin, on the other hand, still seemed incapable of meeting her eye. What was that about? Did he dislike her? Had she said something terribly rude when she had called him the werewolf teacher? Should she not have mentioned any of it? Was it impolite to bring such things up? She’d always been pretty terrible at the whole rules-of-decorum thing. Oh bloody, hell. He hated her, didn’t he?
“Tonks! Come here a minute!” called Mad-Eye from across the room. Tonks thought she could have kissed his scarred and ugly old face in that moment. He and Dumbledore were standing with heads bent together in conference.
She nodded at Sirius, smiling. Then again a little more shyly to Remus. “It was nice to meet you both.”
“You too!” said Sirius earnestly. Remus merely nodded, mustering a small smile that looked almost painful before he looked away again. Tonks picked her way through the milling group of people all in their own conversations. As she approached, Dumbledore was whispering some parting words to Mad-Eye, then moving away to speak with a short wizard with long straggly ginger hair and bandy legs.
“Here,” said Mad-Eye pushing a piece of parchment into her hand. She looked at it. It appeared to be a list of names, most of them with old pure-blood family surnames. “It’s a list of the people the Potter boy named as Death Eaters. I want you to start looking into their criminal backgrounds at work. Discretely. No one is to know what you’re up to.”
“Sure,” replied Tonks nodding her head as her eyes raked over the parchment. Then she folded it and tucked it very carefully into the breast pocket of her robes. She mustn’t lose it. If she did, Mad-Eye would never let her hear the end of it.
As she did so, she abruptly had the strange feeling that she was being watched. She raised her eyes and met the gaze of Remus Lupin from across the room. As soon as she looked over, he flushed slightly and looked away sharply. Then Tonks noticed Sirius still beside him, looking between the pair of them and grinning broadly.
“Alright, let’s get out of here,” Mad-Eye was saying, and he was off limping around the table in the direction of the door. Tonks followed dutifully. They paused a few times as people reached out to Mad-Eye, exchanging pleasantries as they moved through the throng. Mad-Eye stopped to talk briefly to the red-haired man Tonks remembered from the Ministry. His name turned out to be “Weasley” which rang a bell.
When at last they made it to the door, Tonks couldn’t resist one last glance in the direction of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin as she passed them. They had their backs to her and were still in conversation. Tonks— quite unintentionally, honestly— caught a few words of what Sirius was seeing just as she was about to leave through the doorway.
“Oh, come off it, Remus. I’ve known you since we were children. I know when you’re interested. And she already knows your biggest darkest secret and doesn’t seem to give two shrivelfigs about it. Isn’t it sort of nice to just have that out of the way? Besides… She’s cute and she thinks my cousins are a bunch of gits which shows good taste. I say you should go for it.”
Tonks’s steps faltered. ‘Cute?’ Where they talking about her? And Remus was ‘interested?’ She couldn’t help it. Her head whipped around to look at Remus and her jaw dropped open of its own accord.
Just at that moment Remus glanced over his shoulder. And his eyes met Tonks’s and widened. Then a flush bloomed on his cheeks and he turned away, and groaned something that sounded vaguely like, “Oh, bloody hell.”
Sirius looked over to see what Remus was reacting to and also caught sight of Tonks. Then he barked a laugh. He raised a hand and called loudly, “Very nice to meet you, Tonks!” before smacking Remus on the back and saying, “Sorry, mate.”
Tonks attempted to splutter something vaguely resembling a goodbye, then fled from the room after Mad-Eye. She was quite sure she too was blushing furiously.
Tonks stumbled and almost fell head-over-heels over a tombstone when they Apparated in. “For Merlin’s sake, keep your feet under you, Tonks,” Mad-Eye growled. It was a group of six volunteers who had come to do a sweep of the graveyard of Little Hangleton. Not really the most exciting mission. They weren’t expecting much from it. Just doing their due-diligence to be sure nothing of use was missed.
“Now remember. Let’s keep this a quick sweep but keep your eyes open for anything useful. We think the Death Eaters have moved on. But wands out and constant vigilance. We can’t rule out the possibility that they may still be using the house as a headquarters and keeping tabs on this place. Don’t wander far and watch each other’s backs. Let’s move out.” They spread out in a long line, spaced a few yards apart, and began picking through the graveyard. They all began walking straight ahead, heads swivelling as they looked for anything that might give any clues as to the Death Eater’s intentions.
In the bright afternoon sun, the graveyard seemed to be creepy enough place. Tonks couldn’t even imagine what it had been like for Harry Potter. Being here in the dead of night, tied to a tombstone, surrounded by Death Eaters. And You-Know-Who… Tonks shivered at the mere thought of it.
She walked between the graves slowly, eyes roving around for anything and everything. It was a good ten minutes later that Tonks glanced to her right. Remus was some four metres down the row. And he had just paused at a towering marble headstone. As Tonks watched, he crouched down and reached out to pick something up off the ground. His face was an emotionless mask, but his movements were slow and deliberate. He had found something.
She crossed over to him and glanced at the headstone which declared the name TOM RIDDLE. Beneath the name was a smear of something dark. As she approached Remus’s hand hovered over the smear, but did not touch it.
“What is that?” she asked softly, though she feared she already knew.
“Blood,” replied Remus, not looking up at her.
“Whose blood?” she asked, again fearing she knew.
Remus took in a deep breath and let it out before answering. “I think it’s Harry’s.” She looked over his shoulder to see what he had in his hands, and she saw they were the cut ends of thick ropes which had fallen in circles around the tombstone.
She let out her breath in a huff. “God. Poor kid. He must have been so scared...”
Remus turned then and finally looked at her. And he saw grief in his gaze as he considered her quietly. The he nodded in agreement. But he spoke as though trying to convince himself that it was not so. “Harry’s a tough lad. He’s made of some stern stuff. He’ll be alright.” But his eyes had travelled back to the blood smear, and he looked as though he might be sick at the sight of it.
He dropped the cords on the grass and straightened back up. He drew in a deep calming breath again. “You know him well,” Tonks observed.
Remus shrugged. “Well, I taught him for a year.”
“Oh. Right.” Tonks was abruptly feeling very awkward remembering their first meeting.
Remus seemed to read her mind. He turned and smirked at her. “Werewolf teacher, remember?”
“Yeah… I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t mean to make you feel… awkward or whatever. I just couldn’t remember where I’d seen your face until I heard your name…”
Remus let out a humourless laugh. “It’s alright. I promise you, I’ve heard a lot worse.” He turned and began walking again, eyes raking through the graveyard.
“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” she hastened to assure him. She stumbled as she made to follow him.
He looked at her with something of an incredulous smile. “But isn’t it? A bad thing, I mean?”
Tonks opened her mouth and then closed it, trying to decide how to respond to that. He just smiled sadly at her. “It’s okay. I was a very small child when I received the bite. I am very used to people being afraid of me.”
“I’m not afraid of you!” Tonks cried indignantly. Indignantly and quite loudly.
“Tonks! Will you keep it down!” Mad-Eye whisper-shouted from her left.
“NO ONE’S HERE TO HEAR ME, MAD-EYE!” she called back exasperatedly. Honestly, but sometimes the old codger’s caution was flat out ridiculous. They had been there for a quarter of an hour and had not caught sight of a single other living soul. She ignored him rolling his false eye at her disgruntledly.
When she looked back to Remus, she found that he had stopped in his tracks and was regarding her with a small bemused smile on his face. She raised her eyebrow at him questioningly.
“No. I don’t suppose you are afraid of me. Then again, anyone who talks back to Mad-Eye like that probably isn’t afraid of much of anything.”
And then he turned and moved on, chortling to himself. And Tonks was left watching him walking away and wondering if he meant this with admiration or mocking.
The weeks wore on and meetings at the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix became a regular part of Tonks’s routine. They met at least weekly in the dusty old kitchen. Sirius had persuaded Tonks to sit with him and Remus. Tonks suspected there was with an ulterior motive to this, but she found herself growing fonder and fonder of her long-lost cousin so she didn’t mind. They each seemed to quite enjoy the other’s humour and were fast becoming friends.
Remus, on the other hand, was far quieter and more difficult to draw out of his shell. Tonks initially wondered if this was because he didn’t like her. But as she got to know him more, she began to realise he had a certain shyness that she had to get past to see the real Remus. His inner self he showed to few, but when she caught glimpses of it, she liked what she saw. Once she had realised this, getting that damn cute smile out of him had become something of a sport. One point for a smirk. Five points for a grin. Ten points for a laugh. Fifty points for a blush.
Sirius laughed indiscriminately at all of her jokes, but she saw him looking between Remus and herself with a knowing sort of smile that gave her encouragement. Gradually her jokes and banter became increasingly more flirtatious, and she found herself glowing internally when Remus finally began firing back with his own witty comments.
On the third of August, Tonks was called to an emergency meeting at Grimmauld Place. More drama involving Harry Potter. It seemed that the night before he had been attacked by Dementors of all things! Right there in Little Whinging! Tonks had been called out on a late work assignment and was running a few minutes behind. She was surprised, therefore, when she rushed into the kitchen to find that only a small collection of Order members were there. Only about a dozen people were seated around the table tonight. Was this everybody?
“Ah, Tonks. Excellent. So glad you could join us.” Tonks’s eyes widened at being addressed directly by Dumbledore and a blush touched her cheeks. “Please have a seat, we were just getting started.”
Tonks pulled out the chair next to Sirius, then did a double take as she noticed a snowy owl perched on the table in front of him glaring at him. Periodically, the owl would lean down and peck, not at all gently at Sirius. Sirius just sighed and attempted to shoo the bird away, but she merely ruffled her feathers as she dodged Sirius’s swipe, then resumed her perch and pecked him again. A glance at his hands which were bleeding and bandaged told Tonks that this had been going on for some time.
Tonks raised her eyebrow at Sirius, but he just shook his head in a don’t even ask sort of expression. Her gaze drifted past Sirius, wondering if Remus might provide further explanation. Remus, however, did not seem to be paying any attention to the owl. He didn’t seem to be paying any attention to much of anything. He looked absolutely awful. Pale and wane and exhausted, his face was slack and he stared blankly at the table top as though he could barely keep himself awake. Was he ill? Did have a few too many glasses of firewhisky last night? No. If that were the case, Sirius would be looking in worse shape too.
But Dumbledore was opening the meeting and Tonks pulled her attention away. “We’re looking for volunteers to go and collect Harry from his aunt and uncle’s home and bring him back here. Alastor has made up a plan for us.” Dumbledore turned the room over to Mad-Eye who began elaborating on needlessly intricate details of flying formation.
Dumbledore nodded approvingly as Mad-Eye finished explaining his plan for both the Advance Guard and the Rear Guard. “Tonks has already sent the Muggles a letter to lure them out of the house so we won’t have to deal with them,” Mad-Eye was saying.
“Oh?” asked Sirius, turning to Tonks. “How’d you manage that?”
Tonks shrugged casually. She was actually quite proud of her own cunning, but no need for them to know that. “Sent them a letter that they had been short-listed for the All-England Best-Kept Suburban Lawn Competition. Conveniently, the prize-giving ceremony just happens to be timed just for when we’ll be there to collect Harry.” She grinned to accentuate her plan. She had worked a few late-night shifts standing guard outside the house on Privet Drive. She had never caught sight of Harry (though from the people who had worked the day-shift, she heard he roamed the neighbourhood quite a lot), but she had had plenty of time to note Vernon and Petunia Dursley cheating on the hosepipe ban by watering the garden at midnight.
Sirius laughed out loud. “Bloody brilliant.”
Tonks smiled cockily back at Sirius. And then—she really couldn’t help it—her gaze slid to Remus. Even though he looked exhausted and ill, he had still managed to look up at her with a smile on his lips and those cute crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Damn, but his smile was more disarming than an Expelliarmus Charm. She found a blush touch her cheeks and had to turn away.
She looked instead to Dumbledore who was also smiling with a twinkle in his blue eyes. “Well, I think that covers everything. Who would like to volunteer?” Without hesitation, every hand in the room went up. Dumbledore surveyed them all with eyes still twinkling. “Excellent. Alastor will have your assignments. Saturday night at eight-thirty it is, then.”
Beside her, Tonks heard Sirius groan. “Are you sure this can’t all be done tomorrow night?” At that moment, the owl in front of him pecked him again, snatched up a piece of parchment and a quill from in front of Kingsley, and deposited it in front of Sirius with another peck. “Harry is getting… impatient,” he said. He held up his bandaged and bleeding hands to accent this comment. “If we leave him there too long, he may well take matters into his own hands. He has run away from his aunt and uncle’s house before, you know?”
Dumbledore shook his head. “Arthur has sent Harry a letter reminding him to stay put. We’re already pushing the limits of the blood magic that protects Harry in that house quite far by extracting him this soon into the summer.” Dumbledore’s eyes then travelled to Remus who was still sitting slumped in his chair, head bowed. “And I’m not sure that Remus will be up for flying just yet tomorrow. And I would like him to be there. Harry will need a familiar friendly face or he may not trust the guard enough to leave with them.”
“My face not friendly enough for you?” growled Mad-Eye, magical eye whirring.
“So friendly you could perform at children’s birthday parties, Mad-Eye,” weighed in Tonks. There were several hastily stifled chuckles around the room.
Dumbledore gave her an indulgent smile before saying, “Given that, from Harry’s perspective, you attempted to murder him just over a month ago, I think it best if you let Remus take point in explaining things to Harry, Alastor. And we cannot afford to send him a message telling him to expect us. It would be quite catastrophic if such a message were intercepted by the Death Eaters.”
“I’ll be fine by Saturday,” Remus offered. His voice was weak and hoarse.
“Of course. Take your time and rest up, my boy. I think that will be all for tonight, everybody.”
As Tonks and the others all prepared to take their leave, she glanced at Remus again. “Are you ill? You look terrible.”
Remus glanced up at her. Then quickly away. He seemed unable to meet her eye. Damn, she had thought they were getting past that. “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” he said. Then he busied himself with packing his bag.
Tonks found herself quite irrationally hurt to be brushed off so. She frowned, then forced herself to look away. She licked her lips, suddenly feeling awkward and self-conscious.
Sirius looked between the pair of them and must have read something of this in her expression, because he glanced to see that Remus wasn’t paying attention, leaned over to her, and whispered, “Full moon yesterday.”
And then Tonks understood. “Oh,” she breathed. Then she found herself studying Remus again. He went through this every month? She had not realised it was not so simple as a transformation on the night of the full moon. Rather he needed days following to recover. Bloody hell, it must be exhausting. How much strength he must have to go through that again and again and again. And damn it, why was she finding this trait so attractive? This thought surprised a small smile on her face as she watched him packing away and rising to his feet.
Remus was speaking with Sirius. “I’m going to have to find a decent broom somewhere. I haven’t flown in years…”
“I think there’s a couple in the hall cupboard. They’ll be far from recent models, but I’m sure they still fly fine.”
“Or you could just let me sweep you off your feet? No broomstick required.” Both men turned to look at her, and Tonks’s eyes widened. Oh bloody bleeding hell! Had she just said that out loud?
She decided to play this off as quirky confidence. She grinned at Remus who was staring at her with a slack jaw. Hoping desperately he hadn’t noticed how much she was blushing, she swept from the room as quickly as she could manage without appearing like she was fleeing.
Behind her, she heard Sirius roaring with laughter. Somehow, she suspected this was more in response to Remus’s reaction than to her sparkling wit.
The summer went by and then came a drizzly Autumn. Tonks found herself looking forward to Order meetings in large part due to the thrill of seeing Remus. The more she got to know him, the more she liked him. He was sweet and gentle and, when he cared to show it, really quite witty. Thus it was that when, on a brisk October evening, Tonks found herself alone on assignment with him, she was quite exhilarated.
The mission itself was really quite a remarkably boring one. They were attempting to determine where the Death Eaters were holding their meetings. Word had reached them of a meeting that evening, but they did not have a location. So they had been split into groups to stake out the homes of known Death Eaters. Strictly recon. No action. Translation: Boring.
Or it would have been boring had Tonks not been so fortunate as to find herself with a partner with a particularly cute smile. And a cute butt, she acknowledged appreciatively.
Okay. Maybe it was still a little boring. A whole lot of nothing was happening outside of Avery’s town house in London. Wherever this supposed meeting was occurring, Tonks was quite confident it wasn’t there.
Still. She had enjoyed their two hour shift standing watch quite a lot. On his own, she found Remus easier to draw out of his shell. They chatted about her metamorphmagus abilities and the mischief she had managed growing up with the ability to change her appearance. He laughed and asked questions at all the right places. The time seemed to fly by, and she was surprised to look at her watch and find that their shift had ended.
“Well. It’s ten o’clock. That’s the end of our watch. If the meeting were happening here, we would have seen something by now.”
“Let’s give it another ten minutes. Just to be safe,” replied Remus. Tonks couldn’t help but wonder if he too was not quite ready for the night to end. Normally, Tonks would not be volunteering to lengthen such a boring assignment. But tonight, she found she didn’t mind working a little longer.
They were quiet for a bit. Then Tonks tried to pick up the conversation again. “It’s a nice neighbourhood. There’s a pub near here that I’ve heard is great. I’ve always wanted to go.” Tonks paused, looking at Remus expectantly. Well, I’d love to buy you a drink now our shift is over, Tonks, she answered for him in her head.
But Remus was watching to house and seemed distracted. “I can’t say I’ve explored this neighbourhood before,” he replied his mind elsewhere.
Tonks let out her breath slowly, wracking her brain for a different conversation topic. “Do you like music?” she asked. “I hear the Weird Sisters are playing in London next month.” Oh, wow. Really, Tonks? I love the Weird Sisters! We should go together!
Remus glanced at her and smiled apologetically. “I don’t really stay up to date on popular music, I’m afraid.”
When still Remus didn’t take the bait, Tonks decided it was time to be brazen. “You don’t seem to speak woman very well, Remus, so I’m just going to come on out and translate for you. This is me trying to get you to ask me out on a date.” That got his attention back on Tonks.
Remus spluttered. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly as he tried to formulate a response to that. After a moment, he let out an embarrassed laugh and shook his head, looking away from her. There was a flush creeping up his neck. Tonks was feeling really quite smug about this. But this turned to some frustration when still he didn’t say anything.
“Alright, let me help you out a little more, then. This is the part where you say, ‘Tonks, I really like you. And I’d love to get to know you more away from all this Order business. Maybe over dinner on Friday night?’”
Tonks paused, waiting for him to take up the conversation. Remus was staring at her now, a one-sided smile turning up the corner of his mouth, but still he didn’t say anything. So she continued. “And then you say, ‘I know this really great Muggle Chinese restaurant in Covent Garden, and I’d love to take you.’” She paused again, looking at him expectantly.
Finally Remus laughed and spoke up, “But I don’t know a great Muggle Chinese restaurant in Covent Garden,” he said.
“Well, lucky for you, I’ve got you covered there too,” replied Tonks cheekily. Then she continued theatrically, “And this would be the part where I say, ‘That sounds absolutely lovely, Remus. I’ve been waiting and waiting for you to ask. You can pick me up from my flat at eight on Friday.’” Then, figuring she may as well be hung for a dragon as an egg, she reached up on tiptoes, pecked him on the cheek and said, “See you then. Don’t forget to wear Muggle clothes. Goodnight, Remus.” And she turned away strolled toward the alley from which they Apparated.
Remus was left staring after her and spluttering.
As it was, Tonks was not entirely sure he would show up on Friday evening. And so it was with quite a bit of nervousness that she showered and changed after work.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror frowning and trying to decide how she wanted to look tonight. She had something of a rule. She didn’t change the bones of her face (unless she was masquerading as someone else, of course). When she had been young she had found herself experimenting with making herself prettier. Making her nose smaller or her eyes bigger or her cheekbones more prominent. It had been a slippery slope. She found herself losing her identity. Forgetting what she really looked like. So she had stopped making big changes like this.
But she was not above zapping away a zit or two. And using her metamormagus abilities really was so very much easier than dealing with makeup. Honestly, how did girls manage to put on mascara without smearing it all over their cheekbones? Tonks truly could only marvel at their skills as she simply scrunched up her face in concentration and opened her eyes to longer and darker lashes.
Now hair… She had picked out a dark magenta blouse and her favourite pair of jeans to wear. She normally avoided clothing that was too feminine, but she found, for this particular occasion, she was eager to show off some curves. She stared at her reflection in the mirror thoughtfully, trying to decide what hair colour would complement the outfit best. Her usual preferred hot pink would clash terribly with the top. Teal, I think, she decided at last. Hmm. Maybe a little darker? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Tonks turned around in front of the mirror, admiring how the whole look had come together. She decided she was actually quite pleased by the end result of it all. The blouse was just the right amount of revealing and the jeans were her favourite for a reason, she thought as she craned her head to take in her backside. Bloody hell, she hoped he showed up to appreciate it.
No sooner had she thought this than a buzzer rang to signal someone at the front door. She glanced at the clock on the wall. Seven fifty-nine. How very punctual. A grin spread across her face.
She almost tripped in her haste to get across her flat to the front door, and she wrenched it open with an enthusiasm she thought her mother would probably have told her was unladylike. And he was there. Really there. And as she took him in, she felt her jaw drop open.
“Damn, Remus. You clean up well,” she said, raking her eyes over him. He was wearing dark trousers and a neat dark green button up shirt with the sleeves rolled back to expose his forearms.
Remus smiled nervously. “Yeah, well. I can’t entirely take credit there. I let Sirius dress me. I mean not literally,” he hastened to say as he realised how that sounded. “Because that would be weird…. I just mean—”
“Uh uh!” Tonks interrupted him, holding one finger over his lips. “Just let me keep that image. Because… hot.” They both laughed. “You look great,” she said earnestly.
“You too,” he said, taking her in. She was quite satisfied to see his eyes linger just a fraction of a second too long over the low neckline of her blouse before he hastily pulled them away.
“I know,” she replied with mock smugness. “But thanks for noticing.”
She stepped out the front door and locked it with a tap of her wand before holding her hand out to him. Remus blinked and stared at it blankly. “I was just going to Side-Along Apparate you to the restaurant. But if you’d rather hold on to me somewhere other than my hand…” Remus blushed and accepted her hand. Damn but he was way too easy to fluster. It almost took all the fun out of it. Almost.
He was very quick to let go of her hand when they arrived in a dark alley in Covent Garden. Tonks considered him for a moment, then said casually, “You really don’t date much, do you?” before leading the way to the restaurant.
A short while later, they were seated at a table in a dimly lit Chinese restaurant, enjoying appetizers and good conversation.
“Wait, like never?” Tonks exclaimed. Remus just shrugged. He looked uncomfortable. “Like never ever? You can’t be serious. You’ve never been in a real relationship?” Tonks took this in. A spring roll was halfway to her mouth, but long forgotten. On the one hand, she was quite alarmed at the idea of a man who had never once in his life committed to a relationship. On the other hand, she was raring for the challenge and finding herself quite determined to be the first. Again, he just shrugged.
“Okay, but… not to offend your delicate sensibilities but… what about sex?” Perhaps not a polite question to ask on a first date, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted to know!
Remus put his head in his hand with a groan. “Oh, Merlin. I really shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It’s just… I’m so curious.”
“I’m… human. I have sex, alright?” he told her reluctantly. “But sex and a relationship… Those are…” He seemed to struggle to find the words for what he wanted to say. “Different things,” he finished.
“That’s fine,” she assured him hastily. “I’m not knocking casual sex. It’s just… I mean, you’re young, you’re attractive, you’re smart, you’re kind—and believe me, that’s hard for a single girl to find these days… Girls have got to be lining up to get a chance with you. I don’t get it.”
Remus looked at her with a strange expression on his face. Rather like he thought she was an idiot. “I’m far from young. And I’m terribly poor. And I have my… condition. Believe me, not many girls are lining up here.”
“Oh. So this is about the wolf thing,” Tonks asked bluntly.
Remus laughed ruefully, looking out across the restaurant. “Yes, it’s about the ‘wolf thing’. That tiny little insignificant detail that I could accidentally kill whoever might happen to be around me on the night of a full moon.”
Tonks looked at him sceptically. “It’s one night a month, Remus. Hell, there’s a night or two a month that you would probably do well to steer clear of me too. I’m pretty sure you could work out a system to make sure the person you dated wasn’t around that night. Surely there are precautions you could take…”
“I do take precautions. But even with those precautions… there have been slip-ups… there have been near-misses. Hell, just ask Harry. I very nearly killed him and his friends just last year when we found ourselves out on the Hogwarts grounds on the full moon. And if a mistake like that happened to… to someone I had invited into my life… someone I… I loved...”
The words probably should have scared her off. But Tonks was merely sitting there staring at him with her mouth open. The fact that he had never committed to a relationship should not be an attractive trait, she told herself. But looked from a different angle… The fact that he would sacrifice his own chance at companionship to keep other people safe… Damn why was she finding that she wanted to jump him even more than she had before?
She looked out across the restaurant, more to get her own impulses under control than anything. Then she looked back to him. “So these girls… The casual sex girls… They are girls, right?” she asked, suddenly struck by another thought.
He smiled uncomfortably at her. “Yes. Girls.”
“Good, just double checking I wasn’t barking up the wrong tree. Anyway, these girls. Where do you meet them?”
Damn, but he was cute when he was all flustered. “I dunno…” he groaned, but she just waited expectantly, and when he saw she was clearly not going to let it drop, he continued. “I’ve been on my own a long time. I’m used to it. But sometimes… it gets hard. Lonely. Sometimes I go out. I talk to people. Maybe I go home with someone. Generally neither of us expects to see the other person again. It’s easier that way.”
“And I’m guessing you don’t exactly advertise the wolf thing on these nights,” Tonks said.
Remus suddenly looked pained. He looked away, suddenly unable to meet her eye. “You must think me a manipulative ass…”
“What? No! I totally get it. But wouldn’t it be easier to just have someone who you didn’t have to hide all that from?” Remus stared at her, his mouth hanging open and an expression of disbelief on his face.
But he was spared from answering by the sever approaching with their dinner. Remus hastily pushed the spring rolls aside to make room for their plates. “Thank you,” Remus told the server politely as she placed a plate in front of him. Merlin, he was cute.
As the server retreated back toward the kitchen, Remus abruptly noticed Tonks was staring at him still. He flushed a little and reached for his chopsticks. “I have absolutely no idea how to use these, by the way,” he admitted to her. He was changing the subject. Tonks graciously decided to let him.
“I’m just pulling you out of your comfort zone left and right tonight, aren’t I?” said Tonks, smirking. She scooted her chair close to his and reached over and took his right hand in hers, posing the fingers as though he were holding a quill with the first chopstick, then slid the second between his fingers.
“Believe me. Chopsticks are the least of that,” he said softly. She glanced up and found he was looking down, not at his hand but directly into her face. And then she realised just how close she was to him. Merlin, but with just the barest movement, she could tilt up her chin and lean over and kiss him. And with that thought, she found that she very much wanted to do just that. Her eyes darted down to his mouth. His lips were parted ever so slightly, and for just a moment, she though he too was considering exactly the same thing.
Just as she was plucking up her courage to make the move, however, he turned away, looking back to his hand where she had positioned the chopsticks. Tonks blinked and drew in a deep breath to calm herself, as she too turned back to his chopsticks. She hoped the disappointment was not too obvious on her face.
“There,” she said, showing how to move the chopsticks. She reluctantly removed her hands from his and scooted back to her side of the table.
He was comically bad at eating with chopsticks. A quarter of an hour later and both of them were nearly crying with laughter as he struggled to manage even a small bite of food without dropping it. Perhaps out of a concern for the amount of rice that was ending up on the floor, the server eventually came by and offered him a fork. But by this time, both Remus and Tonks were already too far gone. They were nearly in fits of hysteria.
Half an hour later, they were stepping out of the restaurant, still chortling. They walked back in the direction of the alleyway they had Apparated into. Tonks held out her hand to him and this time he took it without hesitation. She paused, holding his hand and looking up at him with a smile curving her lips.
“It’s a lovely night. And my flat’s only a mile or two away. Why don’t we walk?”
Remus looked sceptically up at the sky. “Are you sure? It’s raining…”
“Perhaps” replied Tonks, a small grin splitting her face. “What’s your point?” She kept her eyes on Remus and didn’t bother to look around to assess the weather. Rain had nothing to do with whether or not the night was lovely, after all.
He looked at her a little confused, then must have read her thoughts in her face because he let out a small embarrassed laugh and said, “Sure. Let’s walk.”
Tonks didn’t release his hand, merely began walking in the direction of her flat. She watched as Remus looked down at their entwined hands, clearly debating if he should extract his from her grip. But after a moment, he seemed to resign himself to it, and they walked hand in hand down the London street in a light misty rain.
They talked the whole way home. About everything and nothing. It was actually the most Tonks had heard him speak, now she thought about it. He was telling her about his father when they arrived at her flat.
“He blamed himself a lot,” Remus was saying. “When I got bitten. I didn’t really realise how racked with guilt he was throughout my childhood. Not until I was older.”
Tonks paused as they approached her front door, looking up at him sadly as she listened to his story. He took a step further before pausing and looking back to see why she had stopped. She nodded to her front door. “This is me.”
Remus took in the front door, blinking. He seemed surprised that they had gotten there so soon, for all that it had been nearly three quarters of an hour since they had left the restaurant. Tonks made no move toward the door. Merely stood there, still holding his hand.
Merlin, but she was dying to invite him in. She found herself fantasising about shamelessly taking advantage of his gentle, well-mannered self. Shoving him up against the wall of her flat and ripping his clothes of. But she didn’t move. She didn’t invite him in.
No, he was too important for that. She didn’t want to be one of the girls he used for casual sex and gave no thought of seeing again. She wanted more. She wanted to be the girl he came home to every night. The girl he kissed good morning to when they went off for work. The girl he laughed with over his abysmal chopstick skills at dinner. The girl he made love to unexpectedly in the middle of the night. She wanted to be in the relationship that he had never allowed himself to have. And so she forced herself to swallow the impulse to invite him in and merely stood there, waiting, still holding his hand.
After what felt like a lifetime of waiting in which he said nothing and appeared to be growing more awkward by the minute, she at last said, “I know you don’t do a lot of dating, so if you need direction again, this is the part where you kiss me goodnight and ask me when you can see me again.”
Remus let out an awkward laugh. “I know when I’ll see you again. There’s an Order meeting tomorrow night,” he hedged.
“Not exactly the romantic atmosphere I was hoping for,” Tonks said wryly. She took a step closer to him, closing the gap.
Remus licked his lips, looking down at her. Ugh, but he was sexy. He stared down at her in indecision. She saw his chest moving in deep calming breaths. Merlin, how she wanted to see that control stripped away.
Very very slowly, they moved closer to each other. Remus was so adorably hesitant as he very slowly bent his head to hers. Their lips were a whisper’s breadth apart when suddenly he growled deep in the back of his throat and pulled away. He extracted his hand from hers and turned his back to her.
Tonks stood frozen, her chin lifted, back arched, completely ready to be good and thoroughly snogged. And he had just stepped away from her? She couldn’t help an affronted huff of laughter that escaped her lips in place of the kiss she had been intending to give him. She relaxed her posture, shoulders slumping and crossed her arms over her chest.
Remus just sighed and looked back to her. His eyes were sad. “Tonks… I...”
She shook her head. Her initial impulse had been to feel insulted. But insult was fleeing and embarrassment was taking its place. “It’s fine.” She backed away. He seemed to see this and was looking at her pityingly.
“Believe me when I say that it’s not that I don’t want to…” he said gently.
Seeing her embarrassment making him feel worse, she rallied her forced self-confidence. “It’s fine, Remus.” She managed a cocky grin. “I can wait,” she laughed. Then, before he could respond, she turned and positively fled into her flat, calling over her shoulder “See you tomorrow.”
When she closed the door behind herself, she locked it with a tap of her wand, turned around, and fell heavily against the closed door. Then, she let out a painful groan and sank down to sit on the ground, burying her head in her knees.