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The automatic light in their porch turns on as it detects Jaehyun’s movement. He takes off his socks and shoes in one go, haphazardly shoving them in the shoe rack. His nose feels like it’s going to fall off from his face with how cold it is outside. Seoul’s weather dipped to 4°C and according to the morning news this day is one of the warmest days this December. The sun barely showed itself the whole day and he knows how much it may have weighed his boyfriend down. This he confirms as he slides the door separating their porch and living room. Their apartment is pitch black, illuminated only by the street lights outside. He would have assumed no one is around if not only for the muted light seeping through the slightly ajar door of their bedroom. Jaehyun carefully pushes the door open, and to his relief, Yuta is there, bundled up in their thick comforter surrounded by all their shared pillows.
Before they separated to go about their own routines this morning, Jaehyun to his vinyl shop slash recording studio and Yuta to his art studio, Yuta admitted that he was feeling heartsick . A term he is so fond of using to lessen the impact of admitting that he is feeling homesick. Yuta has always been careful using the word homesick around Jaehyun, afraid that he might misinterpret it. His choice of word earned a chuckle from Jaehyun who gingerly held his hand and asked, “Is there anything I can do to make you feel less heartsick?” Yuta being himself, his kind, perfect self, just laughed, a small pout appearing on his lips, “Hmm,” Jaehyun waited for him to continue, but the bus had arrived and their little conversation was cut short by Yuta adjusting Jaehyun’s black beanie and a soft kiss on the lips before he got on the bus, leaving Jaehyun to think of ways he can lessen his boyfriend’s loneliness.
Jaehyun approaches the bed, careful not to make a sound in case Yuta is sleeping. He sits on his side of the bed mindfully supporting his body weight with his hand to avoid any sudden dip on the mattress.
“You’re home early?” Yuta turns on his side, now fully facing Jaehyun. And Jaehyun, in a heartbeat, notices. Even in the dark, he can see Yuta’s puffy eyes which are definitely not from sleep.
“Sorry. Did I wake you up?” Jaehyun whispers, hand coming up to Yuta’s face to touch his cheek. He knows it has nothing to do with Yuta choosing to spend his life with him and leaving Japan behind. Yuta assured him so many times—in between kisses, before sleeping, and all other ways Yuta deemed possible to quell Jaehyun’s silent insecurity. But seeing him like this makes Jaehyun a little doubtful of the decisions they made three months ago before moving in together.
Yuta might have noticed through Jaehyun’s touch that lingered on his cheek a bit longer than he expected, because suddenly he’s sitting up, hands circling around Jaehyun’s torso to bring him in closer. “You’re so cold,” Yuta pouts at him. “And I know what you’re thinking. Stop thinking.”
Jaehyun can’t help but smile despite the unpleasant thoughts invading his mind. He should be the one holding Yuta, but right now, he lets Yuta hold him. Everything feels right inside Yuta’s arms. And he sincerely hopes Yuta feels the same when he holds him. “Okay,” he mumbles into Yuta’s neck, instinctively placing a kiss somewhere below his jaw. “But you have to tell me how I can help you.” From where he is snuggled, he takes a deep breath, letting Yuta’s powdery floral perfume calm him, and he feels Yuta’s body melt into his. This is them. Moments shared quietly behind closed bedroom doors. Affections whispered over the faint roaring of cars right outside their home.
Yuta pulls away first. He sighs, hands resting on Jaehyun’s shoulder, anchoring himself there. “You know me,” he shrugs. “I tend to get veryyyyy emotional during December.” He tips his head sideways, giving Jaehyun his signature big eyes, and Jaehyun swears that if he can bring Japan to Yuta, he would. “Don’t mind me. It’s the weather. Ugh , I hate how it’s sunless today!”
Jaehyun chuckles, “I will mind you because you are my baby,” he smooths down some unruly hair sticking out on Yuta’s head, pulls his face closer to his, breathes directly to his lips, “you can tell me anything,” he assures, “now, what do you want to do so we can get this thing off your mind?” and he seals it with a quick peck on the lips.
Yuta looks at him, eyes searching. Suddenly, he is tearing up.
“Oh, baby.” Jaehyun brings Yuta closer to his body, adjusting the way they are seated. Now Yuta’s almost on top of him with Jaehyun’s arms wrapping around his body, bringing along the thick comforter that is still draped on Yuta’s body. Jaehyun remembers one afternoon when Yuta confessed to him how kindness makes him cry and how Jaehyun is bound to make him cry because “you are just so, so, so kind to me that it makes my heart hurt, you know?” And Jaehyun thinks this is one of those moments.
“I am so sorry. Jaehyun, I am happy to be here with you. Don’t ever for a second doubt that. It’s just that—”
“Shh. I understand. You don’t need to explain yourself.” Jaehyun caresses Yuta’s back, adding pressure to the tensed muscles to calm him down. “I know well you are happy to be here with me. But I know too that you are missing home.”
“I don’t want you to feel like I am regretting moving here with you.”
“I know you don’t,” Jaehyun assures him because if there’s something he can do right now, it is to echo back Yuta’s words. To let him know that Jaehyun knows he chose to be here with him and it’s one of the greatest displays of the love he has for him. “Thank you for being here with me.”
Yuta pushes off him, hands coming up to cup his face. Jaehyun smiles, dimples indenting just underneath Yuta’s thumbs. Yuta moves his fingers along the lines of Jaehyun’s face, tracing his eyebrows, his nose, and the lines his face creates when he smiles, just beside his nose which Yuta fondly calls whiskers. Yuta leans in and Jaehyun meets him halfway. Yuta kisses him, sucking softly on his lower lip, before he opens his mouth and lets Yuta taste him. If this is how kissing Yuta will always feel, heart stopping and as if his flesh is melting into his bones, like Yuta is some sort of fire engulfing him, then Jaehyun thinks he’ll let himself be burned alive. Jaehyun’s hands wander down to the base of Yuta’s back as he feels Yuta’s hand come around his nape, stroking the prominent bone resting there. Yuta pulls him in to deepen the kiss and gives him one last drag of tongue across his lips before completely pulling away.
“You asked what I want to do,” Yuta sweeps a finger slowly across his lips. From where Jaehyun is seated, underneath Yuta’s lithe body and calming presence, he decides again that this is exactly where he wants—no, needs—to be.
“Yes,” Jaehyun’s hands work their way to Yuta’s face, wiping his still wet face with his thumbs. “Did you think of anything?”
“I badly want to eat ebi nigiri . The one we had last week.”
Jaehyun laughs at that. “It’s your lucky day then.” Earlier, after closing his shop slash studio, he decided to make a detour, walking through Seoul’s ice cold weather, to get Yuta’s favorite Japanese food. It always works whenever he is feeling heartsick . He made sure to order nikujaga , too, because Yuta once mentioned how his mom always cooks it for him when winter starts in Japan. One of many endearing Nakamoto household traditions.
Yuta looks at him with wide eyes, as if Jaehyun grew another head. “No way. Is that why you’re so cold?!” Now Yuta’s just fully squeezing him, then proceeds to pepper his face with kisses. “ Ugh, ” A kiss on his cheek. “You,” A kiss on his forehead. “Are,” A kiss on his eyelid. “So, so, so,” A kiss on his nose. “Good to me.” And finally a kiss on his lips. Yuta sighs, “I swear, Jaehyun, if you don’t stop being too good, I will go down on one knee and ask you to marry me pronto .”
“Sounds like a plan to me.” Jaehyun plays along, but he knows he’ll beat Yuta to it. Because inside his closet, underneath the pile of his thick sweaters, is the ring: A 925 sterling silver coated with black onyx. He’s just waiting for Seoul to get a bit warmer, so he can propose under the sun, the perfect weather where he hopes he can ease Yuta’s heartsickness permanently.