Work Text:
I don't want to go...
Please...
The first thing Tony wanted to do when Peter Parker turned to dust was laugh.
It's so terrible but it's the truth.
It was also so horribly ironic.
Peter Parker, the youngest of the Avengers, too young to be there, notoriously known, in Tony's mind, for denying any sort of injury or "weakness," as he called it. The kid walked around the Compound for three hours before admitting that he had gotten shot and needed help. And that was after Tony threatened to cut their visit short.
But there, as Peter crumbles to dust in his arms, clutching onto his shoulders like a life line, Tony is the one denying it. He's the one who's telling his brain to shut up because, fuck, the kid can't be dying.
But he is.
And Tony wants to laugh because the kid had said that he hadn't felt good without prompting.
And then, as his hand makes contact with the dust that used to be the kid, his kid, and his laughter dies, as does, it seems, the rest of him.
Now, he sits in his lab, staring straight ahead at the hologram of Peter's smiling face. He wants to break something, to destroy something. He wants to stomp his foot and scream like a child.
But he barely has enough energy to keep living.
He knows the others are trying to get him out of this hole he's dug himself into. He knows it won't work.
Steve keep saying they have to stay strong and move on, and Tony wants to punch him in the face.
How can he say that? How can he say that they have to move on? How can he be so clueless?
Tony won't move on, can't move on.
Not if moving on means leaving Peter behind.
He won't do that.
"Tony?"
There's a knock on the door.
That's Steve's voice.
Tony doesn't say anything. He just keeps staring straight ahead.
There's a creak. That's the door, swinging open on hinges Tony has yet to fix. He still doesn't move though, staring into those chocolate brown eyes, and taking in Peter's beautiful smile.
"Tony? You have to eat something," Steve says, but his voice is distant.
The smell of a freshly cooked grilled cheese sandwich washes over him and he feels a sense of longing. His stomach reaches for the smell and he finally realizes that he is hungry. But he tells his stomach to shut the fuck up, and ignores it.
"Tony? Are you okay?"
No. No, he's not okay. He's never been less okay in his life.
He nods.
"Fine, Capsicle." His voice comes out hoarse from lack of use.
Even without looking, he can feel the eyebrow raise from here.
"Who's that?"
Just like that, Tony's world collapses again. He's hit with so many emotions. All the time he's been staring at Peter's face, he hadn't been thinking much. He'd just been blank. But now that someone asked about him, he's thrown back in time.
He sees Peter, a young, teenage kid, walk through the door with an old DVD player under his arm and cheap, earbuds snaking under his shirt into his ears.
He sees the kid flip into view, shooting a web out and capturing Cap's shield.
God, he never did shut up about that, did he?
Tony used to find it annoying. Now, he would give anything in the universe to be able to hear that kid marvel at his own accomplishments like he was surprised he had done them at all.
He sees the kid falling into that lake, and then ramble on and on about this guy who was stealing alien tech.
He sees him holding that ferry together, unknowingly tearing himself apart.
He sees the kid, bloodied and bruised sitting on top of the Cyclone roller coaster, mask-less and small.
Then, he sees the kid laughing in the lab, standing over Tony, holding an arm out to help him up from his position on the ground after a failed test prompted Dum-E to barrel into him, knocking him down to "protect" him.
He sees the kid create incredible things, presenting them to Tony with an air of uncertainty.
He sees him nodding off during hour two and a half of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, bummer, he'd miss the coolest part of the end fight. But not even a monster would have the heart to wake him up.
He sees him covered in flour and eggs, one morning in the kitchen, wide eyed and stunned. He'd been trying to make Tony and birthday cake but somehow, the mixer had short circuited and exploded it's contents all over the kitchen.
He sees the kid saving him from that weird alien guy's hammer, and just say "Hey, man. What's up, Mr. Stark?"
He sees him being "beamed up," as he called it, onto that space ship.
He sees him appear, slinking upside down on a web just like a spider, claiming that "It's really your fault that I'm here..."
He sees him fighting Thanos and remembered that fierce pride he had felt when he watched.
He sees him fading away into dust, clutching onto Tony, begging for his life.
He sees him disappearing.
"-reathe, Tony. Breathe."
He sucked in a deep breath, unaware that he had stopped.
He's suddenly feeling the burn of his lungs, desperately screaming for air.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
That's how you breathed.
When Tony had gotten ahold of his own senses again, he turned toward the other man in the room, moving for the first time in what seemed like ages.
"Hey, Cap," he muttered.
"Tony," the man acknowledges. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Tony silences him with a hand.
"It's fine."
He gets this sudden need to tell someone. He needs to tell someone about Peter. Because everyone should know about Peter. Everyone should know how selfless and amazing Peter is-was... Someone needs to know about the hero.
"You wanted to know about him?" he asks.
Steve quickly backtracks. "No, Tony, it's okay. You don't have to-"
But he's already started talking.
"His name was Peter Parker. Do you remember that airport in Germany?"
Steve only nods.
"That red spider guy, that's Peter. He was only fourteen, going on fifteen when I recruited him. Don't worry, I know how stupid that is, but I was desperate," he adds quickly, seeing the surprised but disapproving expression on the man's face.
"He was so annoying at first. I gave him to Happy to deal with and ignored him afterwards. But then, kid almost gets himself killed and his Aunt, scary woman, she is, demands that he become an actual intern. I invited him over every weekend. We got close. Super close. I loved him like a son," he's never told anyone this before. Hell, even now, he's not sure if he's telling Steve, or just talking.
"He wasn't supposed to be up there, Steve." Okay, so he was talking to Steve. "He was supposed to be on a field trip to the Museum of Modern Art. But he came anyway. I tried to send him home, I did. But he hung on. After he showed himself, we were already in space I couldn't send him back. But it didn't matter anyway. You should have seen him, Steve. He did so good. He was amazing. I was-am so proud of him..."
There's a heavy pause.
"He's gone?" Steve asks gently.
Tony only nods. "He died, begging me to save him."
Steve sucks in a sharp breath through his nose.
"I'm sorry, Tony."
He shakes his head. "He was such a good kid. Such a good kid. Why must the best people in the world have the shittiest lives?"
"What do you mean?" Steve whispers.
"He lost his parents to a plane crash when he was five or so, and then saw his uncle get shot dead by a robber."
Steve cringes in sympathy.
Tony glances up at his, his eyes shining with pride. "But, Steve, he kept going. He's one of the most optimistic people I know. God, I don't know how he does it. Or, did it..."
His mood changes instantly. His eyes darken with grief and guilt, and he swivels his chair around again to stare at Peter's picture.
Steve rests a gentle hand on Tony's shoulder.
"We're gonna get him back, Tony. We will."
Tony doesn't say anything. I just moves his eyes to the empty slot of 17-A, remembering when he had first given that Iron Spider suit to the hero.
"Mr. Stark, it smells like a new car in here!"
"Happy trails, kid."
"Yes, yes we will," he says with such determination, it startles him. But he finds that he believes his words.
He will get his kid back, and may god help whoever gets in his way.