Chapter Text
Sarah shouldn’t be doing this. She knows she shouldn’t be doing this. It is far too late at night and Tally is probably asleep, probably being watched over by her unit, but Sarah can’t seem to stop herself as she walks across base towards the infirmary where she knows her former Biddy is- where Tally is.
She tells herself it is simply because this is such an unprecedented situation. A situation where she can count on one hand how many times it has happened in the past. It is what she tells herself even if she does not entirely believe it- and her Biddies definitely don’t believe it, but they would of course, never voice that out loud. She can still hear them, in the back of her mind, some approving, some not. That does not matter to her. Occasionally her Biddies will offer her counsel on certain matters, offering their opinions when they are wanted (and sometimes not), but now they remain silent. She knows, and they know, that there is nothing they could say that would stop her from going to check on Tally.
Sarah has to bite back a laugh when she finds Tally standing in front of a full length mirror, hands holding her own breasts and staring at her once again youthful form with a giddy grin on her face. She is obviously pleased with the gift of being twenty years old again, and Sarah cannot blame her as she watches Tally admire her own body. It is, after all, a very nice one.
Sarah hears one of her Biddies- Grace, probably- snort quietly from behind her and Sarah realizes too late that she let that thought slip through to the Biddies unfiltered. She clears her throat, both an attempt to subtly tell Grace to leave it and to regain some of her composure, and the noise attracts Tally’s attention.
Tally whirls around in shock, hands still holding her breasts and her eyes widen at the sight of Sarah. “Oh!” Her giddy grin quickly returns. “Hi!” She looks behind Sarah at the Biddies. “Hello.” Her eyes are bright, something Sarah has not seen since long before the Tarim mission.
Sarah arches a brow. Tally appears to be seemingly unaware that she is still fondling herself as she looks back to Sarah, her smile still ever present on her face. “Everything where it should be?” She asks pointedly.
Tally finally rips her hands away from her chest. “Yes.” She said, the giddiness gone and replaced by seriousness. “Thank you.” She is still staring at Sarah, brown eyes wide and unblinking.
“I just wanted to see how you were feeling.” Sarah says, trying to ignore the way Tally smiles again at that, like the thought of Sarah checking up on her well-being was something that made her happy. “You have been through a lot in the past forty-eight hours. I wanted to make sure you were holding up okay.” She doesn’t say that coming here to see Tally was just as much for her as it was for the Cadet- if not more.
Sarah has lost many Biddies over the centuries, but nothing had quite compared to waking up from the surgery and feeling the profound emptiness that severing Tally from the bond had left in her chest. It was as if Izadora had removed Sarah’s heart from her chest at the same time she had removed Tally, and now Sarah wasn’t quite sure what to do without either of them; or with the nagging thought that perhaps maybe, they were now one and the same.
“I’m okay.” Tally says, eyes still watching Sarah, but her smile fades a little bit. “I…” She pauses, looking a bit uncertain.
“What is it?” Sarah feels herself frown, taking an unconscious step forward.
“This is gonna sound strange.” Tally swallows nervously, hands fidgeting together in front of her. “And definitely inappropriate.”
Sarah can feel amusement and curiosity stemming from the seven nosy women behind her, and she does her best to ignore them, forcing herself to focus on the more important woman in front of her.
I resent that.
Sarah has to resist the urge to roll her eyes at Peggy’s sarcastic remark, not wanting Tally to think she was rolling her eyes at her instead of the insufferable woman behind her.
“Feel free to speak your mind.” She says and she is surprised to find that what she intended as words of comfort only serve to make Tally look more nervous.
“I have missed you.” Tally begins and it’s Sarah’s turn to swallow nervously, her pulse humming-bird quick underneath her skin. “So, so much. More than I’ve ever missed anyone in my entire life, and it’s only been like…a day?” Tally’s voice rises in pitch and Sarah feels her heart crack at the same time that Tally’s voice does.
The words “I miss you” rise in her throat to be spoken in return, but she swallows them down. “This will pass.” Is what she says instead, but even as she says it, she finds herself stepping closer to Tally without meaning to.
Something akin to disappointment crosses over Tally’s face, the brightness that shone in her eyes dimming slightly at Sarah’s words, as if the very thought of no longer missing Sarah, no longer reeling from the loss of the bond, was something to mourn and not something to look forward to.
Sarah stops just in front of Tally, much closer than appropriate, and clenches her hands at her sides when Tally reaches up to wipe away at a stray tear.
“Sorry.” She hears her whisper, half a laugh and half a sob.
“Don’t.” Sarah says softly, surprising not only Tally and herself, but the seven women behind her as well. “What you have been through is very destabilizing, and on top of that, you needlessly mourned the loss of your sisters as well. No one here will blame you for feeling off balance.”
“Is it destabilizing for you as well?” Tally seems to have blurted out the question without thinking, because she winces. “Sorry, you don’t have to-“
“I have had a lot more experience in this matter.” Sarah reminds her gently and Tally nods quickly. “But yes…” Sarah finds herself thinking about her next words carefully. “The loss and gain of every Biddy is something that even after all this time, I must still get accustomed to. But I imagine it is much more raw and painful for you, it being your first time.”
Tally’s cheeks immediately turn pink and she looks away.
You could have worded that a different way, you know. Peggy’s quip rings loudly in Sarah’s mind and Sarah, with her hands safely behind her back and out of Tally’s sight, flips her off.
“Yes.” Tally manages to get out, clearing her throat loudly when her voice is just a touch too high. “I feel like I lost…something.” She turns her gaze back to Sarah, eyes searching Sarah’s desperately like they might hold the answer to whatever she was looking for. Sarah doesn’t miss the way Tally’s hands briefly shoot out, as if she were reaching for Sarah, before they are pulled swiftly back to her sides, fists clenched.
“You may sometimes feel as if you have lost a child. Or a mother.” Sarah supplies, but even as she offers over the words, they feel meaningless. They might suggest the magnitude of the relationship lost, but they do not fit in the slightest.
It doesn’t matter anyway. Tally is already shaking her head. “No.” She says quietly. “It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like…”
“You may still speak freely, Craven.” Sarah reminds her.
“It feels like a part of me is missing.” Tally doesn’t bother to wipe away the tear that slips down her face this time and Sarah doesn’t even realize her hand is moving until her thumb is brushing gently against Tally’s cheek.
Tally stills underneath her touch, sucking in a breath and her eyes widen. Sarah’s brain finally catches up to what has just happened, and she freezes momentarily, the pad of her thumb still pressed up against Tally’s warm cheek. The two of them stare at each other for a moment, unmoving and unblinking.
This time Sarah is fully aware of her actions as her fingers slowly unfurl from where they are pressed against the palm of her hand that is touching Tally’s face and Tally’s breath slows to a crawl as Sarah moves her hand slightly forward so that she is cupping Tally’s cheek entirely.
Sarah knows her hands are not soft. They are rough and calloused from centuries of scourge use, of rigorous training and fighting both on and off the battlefield, but Tally either doesn’t notice or she doesn’t care as she tilts her head slightly, pressing further into Sarah’s hand.
Tally’s eyes slide closed as Sarah brushes her thumb over the path of Tally’s cheekbone, tracing down into the dimple that appears with Tally’s small smile, and Tally’s hand flies up to grab at Sarah’s wrist, holding her hand in place. Tally’s skin is warm against Sarah’s and Sarah finds herself letting Tally hold on to her, letting her decide how long and how much comfort she needs from Sarah in this moment. She will not deny her any stability or peace that she can give her, no matter how small.
A few heartbeats pass before Tally seems to realize what she has done and her eyes slide back open, looking equal parts nervous and guilty. She lets go of Sarah’s wrist and Sarah drops her arm back to her side, putting her hands behind her back again to clasp them together against the overwhelming urge to once again reach out for Tally.
“Thank you.” Tally murmurs. Her hands are twisting the hem of her night shirt worriedly and Sarah can’t quite bring herself to step away just yet.
“Craven.” She begins. “Tally.” Tally’s eyes light up again at that. “This will get easier. I promise you that.”
Tally just nods quickly.
“But in the meantime…you should not have to suffer needlessly. If you find the separation to be too much, or if you find yourself needing to see me, you may come and find me.”
Sarah should not enjoy the way Tally’s entire face lights up at that. Her giddy smile comes back in full force and Sarah feels the breath leave her lungs at the sight of it.
Oh Goddess protect us.
Sarah isn’t sure which one of her Biddies that thought belongs to, but she ignores it.
“Do you mean that?” Tally seems just as breathless as Sarah is in this moment and Sarah nods back.
“Yes. You willingly sacrificed yourself to save me. Easing some of your discomfort is the least that I could do.”
Tally shakes her head. “You already gave me my life back. That is more than I ever could have asked for.”
“Yes.” Sarah agrees quietly. “But it is not more than I am willing to give.” She watches Tally’s eyes widen at her words, watches the way the girl stares up at her in wonder. “The bond we shared will endure forever, in some small way. While it may lessen, it will never go away completely.”
“With all due respect, Sar- ma’am.” Tally quickly corrects herself, but she cannot hide the pink dusting that covers her cheeks at the slip up. Sarah does not mention it. “I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life tied to you in probably the most intimate way possible.”
She isn’t wrong, but did she have to word it that way?
Tally visibly swallows. “I think I’m okay with a little bit of that bond lasting forever.”
Sarah can’t help but smile at the girl in front of her. “At this point, I am afraid you have no choice.” She nods her head once to Tally, fully prepared to extract herself from the conversation and get some much needed air, but Tally takes a step after her and Sarah pauses.
“What about you?” Tally asks. She is worrying her lower lip between her teeth.
“What about me?” Sarah asks back, puzzled.
“Are you okay with that?” Tally asks, face flush again. “With being tied to me for the rest of your life.”
Sarah’s eyebrows raise. She had not expected this. She had come to the infirmary to check on Tally, to make sure that she was okay, and yet for the second time tonight, Tally had turned it around on her.
She’s afraid she’s going to be another burden. It’s Anita who speaks this time and Sarah’s eyes widen in realization. Tally isn’t just worried about Sarah. She’s worried that Sarah sees her as a nuisance, that Sarah sees her connection with Tally as another burden, one to be stuck with for the rest of her life; one that she does not want but now finds herself trapped with anyway.
Tally does not realize her fears could not be further from the truth.
Sarah takes a steadying breath in, watching the way Tally’s eyes flicker over her face worriedly. “I would not have it be anyone else.”