Archive of Our Own

"Kyo, didn't you know? I really love you. I really love you, Kyo, and that love is invincible!"

"I see...then I guess that makes me invincible, too. I've got nothing to fear. Not as long as I've got you!"

Kyo took Tohru's hand and pulled her into his arms, both of them knowing it was going to be nothing more than a moment. A single shining moment of togetherness, holding each other close and not caring about anything else; not even the inevitable poof of smoke.

Just one single, precious moment...

Or so they expected.

His eyes flew open, and so did hers. His arms dropped to his sides, and he felt himself shaking. Tohru let go, stepping back and staring at him with wide eyes, and Kyo stepped back in turn, his whole body trembling. As he turned away, the tears rose up fast and hot, driven by the inexplicable, all-consuming sensation of loneliness. He couldn't breathe; couldn't think. Couldn't process anything except the sudden intense pain of loss. But just as quickly as it hit, that feeling was gone, and with it gone he felt as though he could see the world, clearly, for the first time.

And he knew, unconsciously, what that actually meant.

Wiping away his tears, he lifted his left hand, looking intently at the string of beads around his wrist.

He didn't need them any more...he'd never need them again.

Taking a deep breath, he reached out with his right hand, grabbing the string of beads and cleanly ripping it off. As the string broke, the beads went flying away, bouncing off the pavement in every direction.

For a brief joyful moment, he simply watched them go.

But that moment was the only one he had.

Then his body was contorting in pain as the anguishingly familiar sensation of breaking and burning raced through him, his flesh crackling and his bones bursting out in every direction. A stench like death struck his nostrils as he tried to twist away, and he screamed as the beautifully clear world disappeared into hazy redness.

The last thing he saw before it all went dark was Tohru's face, contorted with fear and covered in blood.

Kyo shot bolt upright in his futon, his body covered in sweat and his chest heaving. As he fought to breathe his eyes darted around the room, taking in the familiar sight of things he'd always had.

The desk. The bookcases. The door. It looked like his room, not the concrete pavilion that had just witnessed his hellish transformation. He was in his room; it was just a dream.

It was only a dream, he told himself. He wasn't that creature, he hadn't transformed.

It wasn't real.

None of it was real.

Then Kyo’s eyes flared, and he grabbed at his wrist. None of it was real? Or some? How much? Which parts?

In his panic, he couldn't seem to feel; couldn't manage to find his own hand. Just blankets, just his shirt. But he needed to find them. He needed to know!

Growling, Kyo wrenched himself up out of the futon, his movements frantic as he felt up and down his arm. When he finally locked his right hand around his wrist, he could barely breathe, he was so overwhelmed. He'd finally found what he’d been looking for, and he felt...nothing.

Nothing.

There was nothing there.

No beads, no bracelet, just a bare wrist.

They were really gone.

It had been a dream.

Kyo stood in the middle of the room, his body still shaking. Nervously at first but then with greater assurance, he touched his bare wrist again and again.

Gone. His beads were gone. And he was still him; still Kyo.

There was no beast, and there would never be that beast again. It was only a dream...but not all of it.

Letting go of his wrist, Kyo let out a long, shuddering breath. Then he touched his hands together, feeling the cold clamminess of his skin. Touched his wrists and his arms, running his hands all the way up to his torso and hugging himself tightly.

He was a person. A human.

A normal man.

…Right?

His heart was still racing, and he didn't know how to stop it. Didn't know how to stop any of it; not his rapid heartbeat, not his labored breathing. Not the way his body was shaking, or how he just...didn't know what to believe.

But they were gone. The beads were gone. That had to mean it was true. The Curse had actually broken; that wasn't a dream, even if the rest of it had been.

He was free. Tohru loved him, and he was free...

Right?

Kyo brought his hands to his face and tried to breathe into them. It had to be true. It had to be. He couldn't be there if it wasn't, at least not like this. It wasn't a dream, it was real.

He was real.

They were real, both of them: him and Tohru. Real and true and together. He had been there, it had happened. He knew it.

So why couldn't he believe it?

Another breath, and he glanced at the clock. The glowing red numbers told him it was nearly three in the morning; he might as well trust them, if he didn't trust anything else. He had no reason to doubt the clock...unless this was just a dream, too.

At that horrible idea Kyo laughed, his eyes darting back to his bare wrist. Was this just a dream, too? Had he woken up from a dream within a dream, and when he finally woke up for real would he still be wearing his beads? Just like he had always done, just like he would always do?

He flicked his eyes back to the clock, which said another minute had passed, and he drew in another slow breath.

It hurt, being like this. Unable to breathe, unable to calm down. Only able to tense; to twitch; to fear.

He hated being so afraid. He'd spent too much time being afraid already, he didn't want this to be his life anymore!

And he stared at the door as he took in another deep breath. He had to know...he needed to know. Needed to be sure.

He couldn't take this; this awful feeling of uncertainty and fear.

He had to be sure, or he had to wake up.

Opening his bedroom door, he stepped quietly out into the hall and crossed to Tohru's room.

For a moment he just stood there, his forehead against her door. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to leap out of his chest, squeezed right out of him by his laborious breaths.

Why couldn't he just calm down? Why couldn't he just feel sure?

It felt wrong, standing there like that. He hated himself for all of it: for his insecurities and his fears and for the fact he just couldn't tell what was actually real. But everything was a blur and that made him feel afraid; he didn't know if it was a dream or just the night. All that he knew was that he was drowning, and there was only one person who could save him.

Only one person who ever could.

And after taking another deep breath, Kyo quietly opened Tohru's door and stepped into her room.

He could see at once that she was asleep, snuggled up in her bed with her hair spread out over her pillow.

He'd never seen her like that before; not asleep in her bed. And as he looked at her, disgust welled up inside of him: disgust with himself for coming in there like he had.

What would Tohru say, if she woke up to see him? Even if this was a dream, there was no excuse for what he was doing, or what he was thinking.

But he had to know. He had to.

Trying his best to suppress his labored breathing, Kyo crept over to the bed and dropped to his knees beside it, noticing as he did so a small bowl on her desk.

His beads...that's right, she'd picked up his beads. After the bracelet had broken, while Kyo had stood and watched, Tohru had picked them up; each and every one. And this was what she'd done with them? Brought them back to her room, kept them safe and close?

He felt that wild desire to laugh again, and he quickly covered his mouth. But that was right, he now realized. His beads were here, with her, and she was keeping them safe.

If the beads were here...did that mean this was real? Could he look at the beads and accept that this wasn't a dream?

Almost.

Kyo took another quiet breath, glancing back from the beads to Tohru.

She always slept so heavily whenever she was napping; was it the same when she was sleeping at night?

And did hoping it was make what he was doing any better?

Closing his eyes, Kyo carefully leaned his body forward, wrapping one arm around Tohru and resting his cheek against her hair. As their bodies connected he emotionally steeled himself, waiting for the moment when everything would change.

The moment he'd be gone, and the orange cat would remain.

And, like always, the moment came. But not the change.

Just the moment alone.

It was real. All of it. The Curse was broken and gone. He was simply Kyo, the man, he realized with relief…

And he was in Tohru's room, grabbing her in the dark like a he was a goddamn pervert.

Relief and disgust struck Kyo in equal measures, and he pulled back quickly from Tohru as if he had been burned. Rising to his feet, he silently backed out of the room, closing the door behind him and stepping into the hallway.

His heart was still racing; he still needed to calm down. But it was real. It was real.

The Curse was really gone.

He stopped in front of his own door, then quickly shook his head. He couldn't sleep, not yet. First he needed to clear his head, to calm down, to think.

So leaving his bedroom door open, Kyo quietly made his way down the hall and stepped out onto the balcony. The night was beautifully peaceful and still; almost as though it was trying to make up for the turmoil inside him. For a moment he looked off the balcony, staring out at the trees, then he turned and rapidly climbed the ladder to the roof. And as he stared at the darkened city and once more attempted to breathe, Kyo couldn't help but feel dejected, nervous, and upset.

How long would it take, for him to simply believe?

Tohru didn't know why she was awake. A tired glance at the clock said it was after three, and another glance at the window only supported that fact.

Was it just because it was new, being back in her room? Because she'd spent so many recent nights in the hospital, so many nights that sleeping in her own bed now felt foreign?

She hadn't thought so, at least not at first. When she'd gone to bed that night, it had felt like she was in the most comfortable place in the world. But had that all changed, sometime as she slept?

Or was it because she had so much on her mind, too much to allow her to sleep the night away? Too much for a single day's efforts to actually process? As happy and joyous and exciting as it all had been, was even so much good news too much for her, that night?

As Tohru sat up and looked around the room, she felt strange. Maybe it was because she was thinking of him, but she could swear she felt Kyo....or no; not 'felt,' not exactly. But somehow, it was as if his presence was there with her.

Her eyes went to the beads on her desk, and Tohru let out a breath.

His beads, no longer on his wrist. Here, in a bowl, with her. Here, because he didn't need them now, and he never would.

With her, because...

Because...

A smile played across Tohru's lips as she looked at the beads, thinking with quiet joy about yesterday. About the wild, beautiful, unbelievable day where she'd gone from worried and heartbroken in a blink, from devastated to walking on air.

Kyo loved her; he loved her.

She could stay at his side forever.

And Tohru was smiling at the memory when she heard a noise overhead and promptly looked up. Then she frowned, looking again at the clock.

The noise she’d heard hadn't been very loud, but it was familiar; she knew it well, and felt she knew the source.

But why now, so early in the morning?

Carefully, Tohru eased herself out of bed. Crossing the room, she opened the door and peeked out into the hallway, seeing at once that Kyo's bedroom was open. Suspicion confirmed, she walked over just to check, and found, as she’d also guessed, that his futon was empty.

What was he doing on the roof at this hour?

Gingerly, Tohru lifted her right arm. It was sore, but she could move it easily enough, and there was no pain anywhere else. She'd need to take a little extra care, but she should be fine climbing the ladder.

She took it very slow, probably slower than she needed. But she was glad for her caution; the last thing she wanted to do was worry Kyo or anyone else. Rung by careful rung, she made her way to the top of the ladder, then she looked out across the roof.

Kyo was sitting in their usual spot, his knees drawn up to his chest with his folded arms resting on them and his head buried deeply in his arms. Even at this distance she could see his back heaving, and while she didn't know what was happening, she could tell that he was upset.

"Kyo, what's wrong?"

His head snapped up at the sound of Tohru's voice, and he whipped around to see her at the top of the ladder. And for the moment his worries were gone, replaced instantly by concern for her safety.

"Tohru, what're you doing?” he exclaimed. “You just got out of the hospital, you shouldn't be up here!" Even in the dark, he could see the white of her bandages, exposed by the short sleeve of her pajama top. "You shouldn't be climbing in your condition!"

"No, it's ok!” she protested. “I'm fine!"

Kyo was already rising to his feet, and Tohru didn't want him worrying about her on top of...whatever. As quickly as she dared, she slithered onto the roof from the ladder, almost finishing as Kyo hurried over to take her by her good arm.

"Seriously, Tohru, what're you doing?"

Ok, yes, his eyes were worried, but there was something else there, and she wasn't going to let him distract her from her mission.

"I woke up, and I heard you moving up here. It's the middle of the night, Kyo, will you tell me what's wrong?"

With him standing right there, Tohru could see how hard he was breathing, see the harsh movement of his chest each time it rose and fell. The hand that was holding her arm was also oddly clammy, as if he'd run a marathon before coming to the roof. And though he was looking at her in obvious worry his eyes were still wide, and his anxiety fueled her own concern.

"I can see there's something, Kyo; please, can't you tell me?"

Kyo looked at her for a long moment, his desire to see her safely back down the ladder warring with everything else he was feeling.

Worry. Shame. Exhaustion. Elation. Relief. So many things, all conflicting, leaving him unable to breathe or even to properly feel.

And Tohru was standing there, worrying about him, instead of herself...

So after another moment he sighed, then jerked his head towards their spot on the roof.

"Watch your step, ok? Be extra, extra careful not to slip."

Together they settled onto the roof side by side, sitting in the companionable way they always had. Then Tohru looked at him again with concern in her eyes, repeating softly,

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

Kyo didn't even know where he could begin. How could he answer when he didn't even know?

It felt like everything should be perfect right then. Now that he knew, really knew, that the Curse was broken, shouldn't he only be happy?

Shouldn't that be easy?

"I feel like such a goddamned mess, Tohru. I just...I just dunno what's real right now, and it fucking sucks."

Tohru frowned, studying Kyo and the way he was still shaking; the way he was still struggling to breathe.

"Did something happen?"

She couldn't think of any other explanation; why else would he be like this when he hadn't before?

Before they'd gone to bed, he had been so happy. The day had been a whirlwind; after the Curse had broken, they'd gone straight to the dojo, and then later they’d gone to see Akito. They'd learned, much to their joint amazement, that it wasn't just Kyo whose Curse had broken; it was everyone.

All of them. Every single one of them, in one instant, all freed.

And learning that had been wonderful, beyond all belief. Tohru had wanted to go out and find them all, to hug every former Zodiac right then. To tell them how happy and overjoyed she was.

But she hadn’t wanted that as much as she'd wanted to simply sit with Kyo, to hold him and be held like they finally could. And that's what they'd done, after leaving the Sohma Estate.

At first they'd just walked around together, then ended up in a park, sitting on a bench side-by-side.

They'd held hands the whole time, and they’d smiled at each other.

And they'd laughed because it had felt so weird, so different from before.

But in laughing together, in smiling together, they'd gotten more comfortable. They had both begun to accept that it was all ok.

That it was right, them being together.

And that it always would be.

To go from that Kyo to this Kyo up on the roof...there was no way that something hadn't happened. Absolutely no way.

And she would find out what it was.

Kyo felt stupid even bringing what had happened up. It sounded so childish, to be worked up by a dream.

And the rest of it...that only made him feel dirty.

But he had to tell her; he was done hiding from her.

"I had a nightmare,” he told her quietly. “It started out like a memory; us, today, after the hospital. When we hugged, for the first time."

He was smiling as he said that part; they both were, remembering.

How had that happened less than a day before?

"But when I ripped off my beads, I... transformed. Into the True Form. And I felt it, all of it. The pain. The fear. I could even smell myself," he said with a hollow laugh. "And I saw you,” he whispered, “terrified. Terrified of me, with blood on your face."

Tohru's hand was on his back, and she scooted closer, her own eyes newly wide and anxious.

"Oh my gosh Kyo, no wonder you're so upset! That must have been so horrible for you, especially with it piggybacking off that beautiful moment!"

Tohru was almost indignant at the very idea; it was bad enough for Kyo to have a bad dream at all, but did the dream have to try and taint such a precious moment?

Kyo nodded, swallowing. "When I woke up, I didn't know what was real. I was trying to figure it out, trying to find my beads. When I figured out they were missing, I still didn't know what to think. It's all still so hard," he said wretchedly as he once more buried his head in his arms.

Tohru's felt like her heart was breaking, but her voice was gentle.

"It's ok, Kyo. It's all new, and I can only imagine how confusing this all has to be. Especially with...everything."

‘Everything,’ to put it mildly. It was almost staggering how much had changed for Kyo, not just that day but in the past two weeks: he had gone from Cursed and destined for confinement and isolation to total freedom and a wide-open future.

But it had been foolish, Tohru realized, to think he could easily shake off the old darkness; to think that healing and moving forward from his past would be easy.

But she wasn't going to leave him to deal with it alone.

"It wasn't real, Kyo, not the True Form. That's gone, along with the rest of the Curse," she said, gently laying her hand on his arm. "It's all gone," she repeated. "But the rest of it? You and me?" As he peeked at her, Tohru gave him a shy but excited smile. "That part is entirely real."

"Tohru," Kyo said, sniffling slightly, "I went in your room."

"Huh?" That revelation caught Tohru off guard, mostly because she didn't quite know what he meant.

She definitely had no idea why it would make him upset…

"After I woke up,” he said, “before I came up here. When I was panicking and I didn't know what to think, I went into your room while you were sleeping...and I hugged you,” he gulped, exhaling. “While you were in your bed, when you were asleep."

Kyo's voice was laced with so much disgust that Tohru could barely believe it, but he’d already turned away as she processed. He was clearly glad he had told her but hated he'd had to; hated that he'd been so 'weak,' though she could never agree.

That said, his confession was surprising, though her waking up like she had suddenly made sense. But the way he'd told her...his clear and obvious shame...

"Did it help?" she asked, and beside her Kyo stiffened, his eyes flicking to hers as he answered,

"Huh?"

Now it was Kyo's turn to be confused, and he stared at her, that confusion evident through his tears.

Tohru was looking back at him, her own face serious. "Did it help," she repeated, her eyes locked on his. "When you hugged me, did it help you? Did it help you figure things out?"

He wasn't sure how to respond.

"Um, kinda? I didn't transform, and that's what I'd been worried about. But I was still in your room, Tohru, without permission!"

And it didn't matter that he was her boyfriend now; if anything, that almost made the breach of propriety worse.

But Tohru shook her head, then reached out to touch his cheek. It was so unexpected that Kyo's first instinct was to jerk away, and he did, at least initially. But then he slowly leaned back in and pressed into her hand, feeling as her fingers spread to cover and cup his cheek.

It felt nice. And so did her voice, all sweet and reassuring.

"It's ok, Kyo, really. If I can help you deal with this, any of it, in any way, then I want to help you,” she said. “If there is anything I can do to reassure you, or remind you, or help you remember what's real, then I want to do it. Always. And I'm so sorry you're having to worry about me, on top of everything else."

Kyo cautiously brought his own hand up to cover hers, taking additional solace from her warmth. His own hands were still very cold although the sweat had dried, but beside him and beneath his hand, Tohru radiated warmth. It wasn’t just physical warmth, either, but emotional warmth, and Kyo could feel his spirit warming in response.

How easy it had been for her to say that, to forgive him.

To encourage him, regardless of what he'd done.

He hated that he'd made her say it while loving that she had. He wanted to protect her, but didn't want it to be from himself.

All of this was so new; the Curse being gone, them being a couple. He wanted to cherish each moment, not waste time worrying about screwing things up.

But he had a feeling that was going to be a tall order, if his reaction to one dream was any indication.

"Sorry I'm such a goddamn mess, Tohru. I just...I didn't expect that things would go like this."

She shook her head. "It's ok, Kyo, all of it, I promise. We'll get through it all together; I'll be right here next to you the entire time. And I mean it; you can always hug me, whenever you need. Consider this my blanket permission," she said with a smile, and he actually managed to choke out a laugh.

Then he hesitated before he gathered himself, asking with nervous hopefulness, "Is it...ok if I hug you now?"

Tohru hadn’t expected that and she blushed, but she nodded at him regardless. "Didn't I just give you blanket permission?"

He was blushing, too. "You said if I needed it, this is just 'cause of a want. And I'm...a bit of a mess right now," he admitted, gesturing sheepishly to his tear-streaked face, "So it'd be ok if you didn't. Want to, right now."

Tohru pulled their hands away from his face and scooted closer. "You're not a mess” she reassured him. ”And even if you were, it's ok, because I do. Want to," she added, once more sounding a little shy but still meeting his gaze boldly.

Tentatively, he put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her snugly against his side.

 "This ok? My hand's not too close to your cuts, is it?"

As much as Tohru wanted to reassure him, it was a bit close. "Um, maybe that's not the best-"

She didn't even get to finish what she was saying before Kyo jerked his arm back, stammering out an apology.

"No, no, you didn't hurt me, it's ok!” she exclaimed. “But... do you mind if I try something?" She was blushing again, and her voice was once again shy. "Just...something where we maybe don't have to worry about that?"

Kyo nodded, then grabbed at her good wrist as she carefully stood up.

"Hey, Tohru, what're you-"

"-It's ok, Kyo, I'm ok. I'm just going to go here," she said, still blushing as she stepped over Kyo's leg and carefully settled herself between them, leaning back so that her back was flush against his chest. Kyo had caught his breath and he was blushing almost as fiercely as she was, though from Tohru's angle she couldn't actually see. And as she sat down, he held his hands up in the air, somewhat helplessly wondering what he was supposed to do.

"Um, T-Tohru, what should I-?"

He sounded so confused and helpless that Tohru couldn't help but giggle, and the sound of that giggle broke any tension remaining between them. When Kyo's nervous chuckle joined in with her giggles, the sound was like the sweetest music either of them could imagine.

Even that much contact felt unbelievable; even a fraction of that touch should have turned him into a cat.

Except it didn’t, now, and it wouldn’t, ever again; going forward, they could sit like this whenever they wanted.

Kyo's hands were still somewhat robotically held in the air, as Tohru observed when she looked behind her to see why he was concerned. But once she figured it out, she smiled shyly again.

"If you want, you could...put them around my waist? That way we don't have to worry about my arm at all. But it's ok if you don't want to!" she added quickly. " We can sit another way, too, I just thought-"

She realized she was rambling, and she felt ridiculous.

Why was it so very hard just to talk to Kyo?

But if Tohru thought she sounded ridiculous, Kyo himself thought she sounded cute. And hearing her prattle like that was weirdly comforting; it was nice, not being the only one who didn't have a clue.

"Nah, that sounds good. It's ok, I...want to," he said, his voice equally shy. Tentatively, he brought his hands down, slipping them beneath her arms and encircling her waist.

Admittedly at first, he let his arms sort of hover, unsure whether what he was doing was really what she had meant.

"This ok, Tohru?"

Tohru nodded, then, realizing he might not see, said, "Yes." But Kyo's arms hovered uncertainly for a little longer before Tohru gently brought her own arms down on top of his.

For a little while they just sat there in somewhat awkward silence, each of them processing the feeling of his arms around her.

They had hugged already, several times, of course. After everything they'd gone through to get to that day, they had wanted to hold each other every chance they had. But this...what they were doing right then….it was new.

A bit scary.

But incredibly nice.

Tohru could feel the moment Kyo relaxed against her, and that allowed her to relax in turn. Compared to how he'd been when she’d first found him on the roof, Kyo was clearly feeling much better; his breathing was normal, and he'd lost that frantic look. Right then, she could almost think he was at peace.

Hopefully that wasn't a case of wishful thinking.

"Kyo, are you...better?"

Tohru’s voice was slightly hesitant; she didn't want to risk upsetting him again, but she also really wanted to know. She'd always been good at reading Kyo, she thought, but in situations like this she had a lot to learn.

Kyo considered her question for a moment, then he smiled.

"Yeah...I am."

How could he be otherwise, when he was with her like this? It was a moment he'd never thought he'd have, no matter how simple and easy it might seem to the world.

And how many more previously impossible moments would they get to have?

How many better moments were waiting for them, just ahead?

He had hoped that it would be easy, moving on from the past. That the Curse would break and he would be a butterfly, stepping into the light from a dark cocoon.

That had been naïve, he now knew; living under the Curse had been hard and left a lot of scars. It only made sense that breaking free would be hard, too.

But he'd do it, hard as it was, with Tohru at his side.

And as the two of them looked out at the lights of the city, they once more lapsed into silence, that time comfortably. Then Kyo gently turned his head to rest his cheek against her, murmuring almost reverently, "I love you, Tohru, so much."

She doubted she'd ever stop loving those words, or the tingle they sent through her heart. Beaming, she squeezed Kyo's arms against her body, echoing, "I love you too, Kyo. And I always will."

"Me too, always. Always and forever, even."

Tohru liked the sound of that, and she repeated softly herself,

"Always and forever."