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Weather is Clear (Yunho and His Brother)

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Hey, Yunho, do you know that I can still hear you even if I’m unconscious? Although I can’t respond to your dilly dallies, I appreciate every single story you give to me. You know what surprised me even more? Is that it’s not about music anymore, hehe, oh how you couldn’t shut up about compositions when you were a toddler.

Now, all I’m hearing everyday are those boys. So you found some friends, huh? Well, that’s really sweet, you have someone other than me, I’m proud of you. 

So let me get this right:

Song Mingi

Kang Yeosang

Jung Wooyoug

Choi San

Choi Jongho

And Park Seonghwa?

They all sound like pretty names, hehe.

Are these boys treating you well? Do they play music with you? I wish you could have answered all these, but well, I’m asleep.

Yunho, if there’s one thing I would want to say to you when I had the chance, it’s to keep your head up, and to forget that we had that argument, I want you to forget it. I don’t want you to grow up like me, so please, just forget that we ever had that argument. I knew you had your regrets, and so do I. But you’ll never become the musician you wanted to be if you cling on to me, so what I want from you is to move on, you hear me? 

And, I’m sorry… 

I’m sorry for abandoning you. Abandoning you as a musician, but I’m still here as your brother, don’t worry.

There was literally nothing I could have done to get my fever back. Because Yunho, you have to understand that a fever can heal, and that’s what happened to me. 

And it’s not your fault that I lost it, I love you, brother. You just gotta let it go. 

Hey brother! Long time no see! Oh, hehe, I just visited you yesterday, so it hasn’t been that long, but it felt like it! Anyways, today, Yeosang asked me where I was going, but I lied and said I always had a part-time job every time I went to visit you.

“Hey Yunho, we’re gonna drop by at the 7-Eleven, where’re you going?”

“Oh yeah sorry… I probably haven’t told you that I got accepted to a part-time job in a restaurant, huh!”

“Oh for real? Yunho, that’s amazing!” San exclaimed. “You should give us some free food every once in a while, hahahaha, just joking…. Unless….?”

“San, I’m not going to go to jail because of you, no way.” I picked up my bag as everyone laughed at a flustered San. 

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t told them about you, huh? Well, is it okay if I never did?

I could see your disappointed frown right now, haha. But I’m not ready to show them one of my weaknesses. How could I explain it…? I can’t really show them all this after them knowing that I’m a happy go-lucky guy… It’d be really awkward, right?

But… I know what you’re going to say. “Everyone has a weakness, you shouldn’t be afraid of showing them to those who you love, because if not, you’re lying to them.” You were always so wise, brother. That’s one factor that I admired about you, while I go running around without thinking about any consequences. I’m just not ready to tell them that you’re my fault. So for now, can I just enjoy what I have before I lose the boys because of the truth? 

Hey! I’m getting all sentimental here, haha, I’m not supposed to do that. Ahem, anyways. Something weird happened today! Seonghwa came by our hideout earlier than all of us, and get this! He bought us all food! What’s even more odd, he smiled?! 

I…

I felt like I was dreaming. Our eldest brother smiled. And I’m not going to lie, he looks pretty with that smile, he should do it often (if he wants to of course).

From that time alone, I felt very warm because of this gesture, the past few months, he was acting weird. But I didn’t want to be rude and just flat out ask him. That was insensitive!

But I’m glad he now gets to dance with us! We just finished learning the choreography, but we’re polishing it now!

Hmm…. anything school related I could tell you… Nope! Mr. Lee’s still an asshole! Nothing new there!

Anyways brother, I’m going to go now. I have homework to do. *sigh* See you tomorrow night again! I love you!

6 months ago. I had my biggest regret happening to me. There was nothing I could do. So I continued smiling to hide my remorse.

Flashback to my childhood, it was a very decent one. I’m in the middle class, I have a mother, I have a father, and I had an older brother, and there’s me. 

My education was also decent, I’m not smart, but I’m not stupid either, I get average grades. 

But there was one thing that me and my brother loved doing, music. 

Ever since I was a child, my parents would spoil us with music equipment instead of toys. Other kids wanted robots or board games, while me and my brother wanted soundproof foams. 

I’m not saying that both of our interests were quirky nor bad, but it was hard to relate to other kids with what I liked, except for my brother. We respected each other's hobbies, so there was no problem with it growing up. 

When I was 3 years old, my parents always pampered us with kpop or music, and when I saw those cool stars dancing on television in my parent’s home, my first fever came. 

“I want to be like that.” I said to my older brother, “Will I be able to dance like that?” 

“Of course you can?” He laughed. “What’s stopping you from chasing it?”

I took in what he said since I was an innocent 3 year old little boy with dreams. Of course, if I wanted something, then I’d just get it right? That simple. 

Ever since then I always begged my parents to let me go to dance academies, or beg them for guitars or drums. They said that I had to work hard for it, so I did my best and made them proud with everything that a mere little boy could do. I did chores, I studied hard, or helped the grandmothers cross the street. I always got what I wanted and I never took them for granted. I always treated every broken instrument as gold, or I always tried to repair them. 

On top of it all, my older brother always cheered me on! He was so supportive, I wanted to give back every little effort he gave to me! Whenever I took on gigs, he always watched me from the audience seat, and I would pay him back by doing my best. After every performance, he always treats me to celebrate every concert I held, I told him that he didn’t have to, because of how little I appeared on stage, it wasn’t worth it to celebrate every little thing, but he said this to me:

“I’m never going to stop praising you for working hard, Yunho. Every little effort counts, even if it’s the smallest things, so stop it and let me buy food for you.”

I love him so much!

When I was in middle school, my parents finally got me to a dancing academy! To top it all off, my brother was going with me! Like I always said, I never took my parent’s fortune for granted, so I told them that I would do my best, and I did.

“Ya! Shower quickly! We’re gonna be late!”

“Yunho, chill, I just woke up. Besides, it’s still 5 hours early, can you just-”

“No! I already made a sandwich for you so hurry hurry hurry!”

I pushed him into the bathroom with full force, today was going to be a good first day, no more regrets!

For years and years, I was labelled as one of the prides of the dancing academy, known for my crisp, perfect moves and hard work, I earned that label. 

Another day in the academy, I stumbled upon a familiar, new recruit.

“Everybody gather up.” My teacher announced. “We have a new member here to join our team. Welcome Jung Wooyoung, everybody!”

Everyone whispered and clapped, “Hey, isn’t he that guy-?”

“Oh my gosh, THE Jung Wooyoung?” 

“Wait, isn’t he that dude who was asked by multiple big companies? What’s he doing here?”

My heart skipped a beat, I knew this kid! I even met him briefly before! He was famous for that viral video in social media, and after that, multiple companies asked him to audition, BigHit, JYP, SM and more! He was known for his expressions and charming performances, I’ll admit, he is handsome. But why here at this small academy?

My brother looked at me. “You’ll like this guy, he’s as good as you, Yunho.”

“H-hello.” He bowed shyly. 

Jung Wooyoung was my first friend there at the academy, (besides my brother). Everyday we would walk together with my brother to the place. We both studied in different schools after all. So we exchanged numbers. 

I really like Wooyoung! He’s so small, but he’s so full of energy. After each session, we never stopped there. We would always go to a secluded place and blast music and practice our dance moves together. 

I always looked forward to that after every school. Just the three of us, dancing our dreams away. Or so I thought.

Months after months, my brother started acting weird. He rarely plays his bass guitar anymore, and he’s been frequently missing dance practice.

“Yo, Mini Jeong, where’s your brother at?”

“Oh uh… he’s not attending again.”

“Again? It’s his sixth absence,” My teacher rubbed his forehead. “Tell him that if he’s not going to take this seriously, he’s not welcome here anymore.”

I stopped in my tracks, “Sir, but-”

“I don’t accept slackers, and if he decides that dancing isn’t his thing, we have no choice but to let him go.” He said seriously. “Just tell him to meet me so I can get his ID back, got it, kid?”

“... Yes, sir.”

I walked back to Wooyoung who was sitting on the floor, watching a dance practice of Baepsae and sighed as I sat next to him.

He paused the video, “Yo, Yunho, what’s up? You look sorta down, and Mr. Yi looks annoyed, what the hell happened between you two?”

“Nothing, it's just… my brother’s been acting weird lately, like he’s uninterested in things. Is there something wrong that I don’t know?”

Wooyoung put his phone down, “I’ve never told you this, but I’ve noticed it as well. Remember last month? I noticed how unmotivated he was when we danced. It’s like he didn’t wanna be there. His facial expressions were dull, and his moves were half-assed. I never told you that cause I thought I might’ve offended you. But I took him somewhere private and asked him what was going on, he just said he wanted to go home, so I let him.”

“That’s why he went home early? I thought he said that ma wanted him for an errand. Did he just lie to me?” 

Wooyoung looked away. “But… whatever’s going on, I suggest try speaking to him. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then let’s wait patiently until he does. That’s what happened to my lil’ bro, turns out he was just rejected by a girl and he was sad by it.” He laughed with his iconic high-pitched voice. 

And so I did ask him that day. And this was the beginning of my regret.

I opened the door, “Ma! I’m home!” 

“Oh, welcome home, honey, come eat now, I cooked dinner.” My sweet ma smiled back at me.

“Thanks, mom, but can I change first before I eat?” I asked while removing my shoes before I entered.

“Go prepare, and call your brother too. Love you, sweetie.”

I turned and smiled grimly, “Love you too, mom.”

I didn’t change nor go to my room, I went straight to our music room and turned to my brother, who was finally playing his bass guitar for the first time in months. My eyes widened, he was playing it again, but the melody from my ears was dull and boring. Like he didn’t want to, like this was the last time he was gonna play it.

His back facing me, I just stood there, I didn’t even know why I was here in the first place. I was supposed to ask a question, but I didn’t.

“Welcome home, Yunho.” He greeted, his back still facing me.

“Brother, why did you stop?” I cut to the chase.

But he didn’t answer, he just kept playing his bass guitar without motivation. What a disgrace.

“Brother, please answer me.” I didn’t want to hear that sentence that I expected him to say. I lied to myself when I said that I didn’t know what was going on. He was walking further away from me than ever, and I lied to myself that he still loved music. I just didn’t want that possibility, huh.

He finally stopped playing and looked at me in the eyes.

“I don’t want to play music anymore.” He finally said it.

I expected him to say that, so why did it still hurt? 

“What do you mean.” I choked on my words. I really didn’t want this.

“I don’t wanna play music anymore.” He fucking repeated that sentence.

“But, what about your dream?” 

“It’s not my dream anymore.” 

“But what about me?” 

“What about you?” He tilted his head in confusion. “What about your dream that has to do with me?”

I approached him slowly. “Didn’t you know that I got into music because of you? Did you know that I was one of the best players and dancers out there because of you?”

“You could continue your dream without me, why am I that important to you?”

I was at my limit, I closed my eyes and screamed. “For once in your life, could you please stop saying that you’re worthless?!” At this point, I felt something wet on my cheek, my eyes were beginning to redden, and my heart started beating fast. I was shaking like crazy. 

All he did was stand there, I couldn’t see his face anymore because I was looking at the ground. “Throughout our childhood, you were always great, you were always better than me in any way, so why the hell do you still not see that?!”

I brought my hands to my face and wiped it. “Fucking- you always were like this in everything! In our games, in our hangouts, you always fucking put me first, but I never got to see you put yourself first. Is it that hard?!”

Still standing there silently. 

“Why the fuck do keep giving up?! I always sacrificed a lot, but you? You always didn’t work hard! I’ve never seen you cry or sob! Do you really view yourself as another burden in our family?”

“What the fuck do I have to do when you’re not there anymore? Did you just suddenly give up because you think you’re not that good?!”

“I always showed you that you’re everything to me! I always tried my best to make you feel like you were loved! And yet why do you still think you’re not good?!”

From the corner of my eye, I saw him grip his bass guitar. “What the fuck do you mean.” I practically saw him shaking. “Yunho, do you not understand that music doesn’t make my heart beat anymore? I practically tried to get it back but I just couldn’t!”

My brother stepped back. “You tried? You fucking tried? What about me? Huh? You never really understood what it was like being the second option?”

“Because you never tried your best!” I screamed. 

“That’s because not every effort you do doesn’t pay back!” He screamed back. “That’s always the problem with you, Yunho, you could never understand what’s like to never get paid back for all the sacrifices you made! It always paid off for you!”

“Did you know that I was never bothered that you were always better than me in music? But now you’ve crossed the line!” He screamed. “Why can’t you fucking respect that?”

He tried to run towards the door. “Because this isn’t the first time this happened!” I followed.

“WELL THEN STOP BOTHERING ME!” And that’s when he smashed his bass guitar on the wall. The shrilling sound made my heart beat with fear. He just broke his favourite instrument. 

“SO YOU’RE JUST GOING TO ABANDON ME LIKE THAT?!” I screamed. He didn’t respond, he only continued running towards the door. 

All I did was chase him, or maybe try to change his mind. If I couldn’t do either, at least just come back to me, brother.

“LEAVE ME ALONE.” He snapped, opening the front door that leads outside, I stopped hesitantly. I saw a car coming by at full speed. 

“STOP-” 

Was there a moment where you regretted something? If you did, then what did you do to move on? Did you suppress it? Did you try and fix the wrong? Did you let it be? You know what I did? I tried to push my brother away, but that wasn’t enough.

My hand hurt like hell. This was the first time I felt physical pain, it’s like someone squeezed my hand too much. I think I sprained my hand. I screamed in agony. It hurts so much. But that didn’t compare to what I saw next to me.

His grey eyes still haunted me, his lifeless body just laid there. He stopped breathing, his body wasn’t moving at all. And so did I for a moment. All I could do is stare at his sad face. I didn’t scream in pain anymore.

When I came to my senses, I tried to sit up and limp my way towards his body.

I couldn’t believe those were my last words to him. 

“Hah… hah…. Hah… hah…” I gasped. “No...no….no please, I’m sorry….” 

I shook him with all my strength. “Hey, wake up….. Wake up, please….. I didn’t mean to….” And that’s when I let out a blood-curdling scream. 

Hey brother, you look like you’re in such a good mood today! The weather is so good as well. Even though I was running to see you, I didn’t even feel the heat.

On days like this, we could have gone to the Han River for some street performance, right? Ah, I’m getting nostalgic! 

Oh brother! It has been a while since I took out that broken guitar. I wanted to get rid of it because it always reminded me of a broken side of you. But since it’s a guitar you cherished so much, I just let it out of sight because it seemed like you abandoned your dream. 

You know brother; I have a friend like you in my team! His name is HongJoong. He is a person I admire on both artistic and humane level. Thinking about it now, you both kind of look alike? I think you guys would get along together if you’ve ever met each other.

You know, now I am laughing, thanks to HongJoong and the guys from the team. I avoid thinking about these painful memories and instead I am focusing on the dreams you couldn’t achieve. I will make them happen; the boys and I will make it happen. 

When that time comes, you must wake up from the long hibernation. I want to show you all of it!

I’ll be back tomorrow. Goodnight!

It’s been a month ever since his car accident, and I took a hiatus from dancing and everything music related. Wooyoung, being a great friend he is, understood and still hung out with me, even if he didn’t need to. 

The doctors said that I needed a break from anything physical related- since I sprained my hand. And my brother, unfortunately, has a coma. He didn’t die, but he was still unconscious. All this time, and I still couldn’t wash his blood off my hands. 

I was recovering, thankfully. Right now I could dance a little, just a bit. If my brother walked me to school, now it was my best friend. I didn’t complain a bit. I loved it, actually.

2 months in, my best friend Wooyoung introduced me to the team, and that’s when I took in someone who interested me, his name was Kim Hongjoong. He’s one of the eldest members. He looked similarly to my older brother, maybe that’s why I was always cautious with him. I tried my best to interact with him with so many limited words, fearing that he might get mad at me. What makes matters worse, is that I somehow saw him as my older brother. He cared for me, and cheered me on in every performance. He treated me as well. 

Hongjoong, stop it. I don’t like that. After my brother’s coma, I never looked at Hongjoong the same way again. 

I’m gonna lie when I said I moved on, I tried to not put in any effort for once, because well, I started to lose my fever.

But I made up for it when I met the boys. Because that’s when I knew, they were like me. I sighed of relief because I didn’t have to worry anymore. Time went by and I started to get back up on my feet once more, for him. 

My regret huh, it’s starting to subside. But it still stained the blood on my hands, it was progress. 

I thought about what my brother told me once, and I took that to heart.

“You just gotta let it go.” He did that with everything he failed at, and he was still happy until I told him off. 

I looked at the boys beside me. He was right all along. 

So I let it go.

Just Like a Midsummer Night's Dream

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I was never too good with mechanics. It all started when I dismantled the speaker. Every time I felt stuffy, I would disassemble various appliances or instruments and then reassemble them back together. 

My parents had everything planned for me; doing the same routine at the exact same time. The only time I could go out of this cycle was when I disassembled and reassembled things. 

Thanks to this weird habit I met the guys. That day in that shabby warehouse, a bunch of guys I’d normally run away from, asked me if I knew how to work a drone. 

This whole encounter was a bit strange! I actually was lost and wandering around. The sound of music was what brought me to that place. From that day on, I went there everyday. 

The best feeling was dancing to the music. Dancing was such a mind-blowing activity. Even when I saw my parents’ worried faces flashing before my eyes, I just couldn’t stop. 

For the first time ever I felt alive. Hearts pounding like it’s about to burst out and this tingling feeling coming up from my fingertips started to take over me. 

Was there a moment when I wanted something this bad? One by one, more children started to say my name. The path that I only walked with one another person became a path to many. Slowly, the word “I” became “ours”.

However, now I must leave the “ours”. If I back out everything will be back to normal, the scattered members and the stolen hideout. I’m so sorry, guys. 

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29th of July, weather is clear. 

Ever since I was a small child, everything was given to me without my hard work or approval. My family’s privileged, so everything was spoon fed to me ever since I was just a kid. I never said I liked it, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to cope.

But sometimes, I always wonder if I have the right to think. Well, for starters, I have no right to complain cause’ I got everything.

People love to repeat the same sentence to me all the time: “You should be grateful for having a perfect life, you’ll be an thankless leech if you don’t.” As if I never did take everything for granted. 

If those people only knew what was going on behind those tall walls, would they be willing to switch lives with me?

You’re such a disgrace to the Kang family.

I love you, son.

You have no right to talk back to me.

I love you, son.

I’m your father!

I love you, son.

Stop engaging with those nameless people, it’ll stain you.

I love you, son.

You are a mistake.

I love you, son.

Apologize to me.

I love you, son. 

If I disobey or even talk back for a second, I’ll get hit. When I get hit, I cry, and when I cry, they call me sensitive. 

To them it seems like I’m only a burden on their shoulders, never once did I even think that they saw me as their son. 

Is it selfish to want more? Am I really a leech? 

“Yo, Kang Yeosang.” My classmate approached me. “Let’s hang now and play billiards would ya?” 

I looked at his rugged face, I’ve never met this man in my life, so why would he want to hang out with me out of all people? Besides, billiards aren’t my thing, so I opened my mouth to reject his offer.

“But-”

“Nah cmon’, I know you want to, just stop complainin’ and join the gang. Besides, there’re hot chicks comin’, hehehe.” He said as he forcefully put an arm and pulled me along. I’m not particularly interested in girls right now, but I couldn’t say that to him. 

“Stop complainin’.” I always flinch at those words.

I had no choice but to follow, since his grip was strong as hell… and he was crushing my neck. 

“Wait, we’ll have class right now-” I tried to break free from his grip.

“Or we could just skip? Stop being a wuss man, hahaha!” He laughed. 

“Oi.” A deep voice called out. 

“Eh?” My rugged-faced classmate softened his grip with me.

“Can’t you see he ain’t got nothing to do with you? Let im’ go.” The deep-voiced man threatened. Who was this man? I couldn’t see because of this tight grip.

“O-h yeah? What you gonna do?” He smirked nervously.

“Might have a nice lil’ exercise right before class, hm?” The deep-voiced man taunted, he seemed like he’s done this before, because he sounded uninterested right about now.

“Tch.” He finally let go of me while I panted for breath. No need to get aggressive, gosh. An offer was better than what he was about to do when I rejected him.

My rugged-faced classmate walked away grumbling to himself about “He almost had it.” or something of the sort. Ah, so he was trying to befriend me of money, nothing new here. 

I faced my “saviour”. “Oh, uhm, thank you-” Right in the middle of my sentence, he didn’t even acknowledge me and just walked away. Okay, rude. 

As I saw his back as he walked away, I froze in my tracks. That tall, muscular-built man with short gray hair was Song Mingi, the most dangerous delinquent here at this school. Why did he save me just now? Is he not going to ask for money? He just walked away without even glancing in my direction.

Bing bong!

The bell rang, I rubbed my neck and walked back to my seat with confusion. 

“Bye Yeosang!”

“Stay safe, Yeosang-ie!” 

They greeted me as I walked out, “Hehe, bye guys!” I waved back. I know damn well they didn’t mean that, so I returned my smile back to my bored expression. 

“YEOSAAANNGGG!”

I turned around to see Wooyoung waving his hand at me far across the distance. 

I screamed back, “What is it!”

“BYE!” He smiled with his crescent eyes. And I chuckled and smiled back truthfully this time. Wooyoung was in the same class as me and he was a social butterfly, everyone at school loved him. He was the only true person that genuinely hung out with me because he wanted to. Unlike some people I knew. 

Walking past the cherry blossom tree, I continued to walk the same path as I did 14 years ago at the same time. I continued on with my schedule with no expression. 

After school, I always have extra violin classes. I play the cello, the trumpet, the piano, and the flute. All ancient instruments. Did I choose to play them? No. But do I have the right to complain? You know the answer to that already, I won’t elaborate. 

My driver waited for me in my car just outside the school. I went inside and sighed. I really wished people would stop staring at me everytime I entered my car. Their scrutinizing eyes made me anxious often, I wish I could tell them to stop, but I can’t.

I was still thinking about that delinquent that saved me earlier, I still couldn’t process what had just occurred. I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t try to befriend me like everyone else did. Was it because he didn’t know my status? Or was it because he didn’t care? That was strange. All my life, people always had their eyes on me, but this time, one turned theirs away for the first time.

“Yeosang, you’re late.” My music teacher said in a serious tone. 

Usually, when I make a mistake, I don’t feel the need to make up for it since I was so used to being scolded with every little movement I do. I apologized as my heart did not beat of guilt.

“You should take this more seriously, when I was your age, I couldn’t even play the violin. Do you know how lucky you are?” 

Violin wasn’t what I wanted to play. In addition to this, my music teacher didn’t understand the concept of change, did he? Does he realize that it wasn’t even my fault that I was late? I can’t control the traffic, mr. 

“Yes, sir.” Was all I could say. Or, what he wanted to hear. I just want to get this over with already. 

“Just bring out your violin, you made everyone wait.” Oh, that I was guilty of, I’m sorry guys.

Not even a minute in, the players raised their violins one more time and played the song, Violin Concerto. 2. I raised my bow like the others and tried to play.

“Yeosang, keep up.”

“Yes, sir.”

I hit a different note.

“Yeosang! Repeat that again!”

“Yes, sir.”

I missed the timing and messed up the starting.

“Yeosang! What’s gotten into you?!” My music teacher screamed this time, which made me flinch. That reminded me so much of my father. 

I didn’t answer. I just lowered my bow and my violin slowly with a blank expression. I couldn’t care less that I messed up, this was my first time after all, so why not let me make mistakes and learn, sir?

As I lowered both of what I was holding, mister’s words became blurry with every second, I couldn’t even hear what he was saying anymore. 

“OI!” That’s when I snapped up.

“Are you even listening to me?!” I responded by standing up and walking away further from him. I needed some fresh air, but I couldn’t ask him for that because that was talking back.

Once again, the kids in the room stared at me with scrutinizing eyes while my teacher yelled my name louder as I continued toward the door.

You know, everytime I felt stuffy, I would always find instruments or appliances and disassemble them, then assemble them again. It was my coping mechanism. Doing that reminded me of myself, it gave me comfort as well.  This was the only time where I could do things that I wanted to do this time. 

So I grabbed my backpack and just started running towards who knows what. I was getting sick and tired of it. 

All I needed was a bit of time to myself, after that, I’ll go back to my life. 

“Ugh….ARGH…” I sniffed and grunted as I plopped on the ground after running for about 10 minutes. 

I looked around and noticed that I didn’t know where I ended up. My hands on the tall grass, my knees on the floor. I think I ended up running to an abandoned warehouse. 

I raised my dirty hand and wiped my eyes, I didn’t even know I cried. 

“Maybe this’ll help…” I took out my white drone and began to disassemble it in the middle of the scorching sun. 

“San! I leave for a minute and you already broke the friggin’ speaker AND microphone? The hell’s wrong with you?” 

“Dude, we could just buy another.”

“Hah? Don’t change the subject!”

I looked towards the direction of those voices. One sounded familiar. 

“Ah- Yeosang!?” Wooyoung screamed. Both children ran toward my direction. I flushed in embarrassment, I looked like shit.

“Yo! Fancy seeing you…. plopped on the ground with a dirty white uniform on, and it seems like you just cried, hehe.” He chuckled while scratching his head. I wasn’t even offended at this point. 

The other student Wooyoung was with, only stared at me with curious wide eyes. “Who’re you?”

“His name’s Kang Yeosang.” Wooyoung answered with full energy. Don’t go introducing me to strangers, Wooyoung… 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“We should be the one asking that question, what the hell! This place is really secluded, so how did you find us?”

“This place’s secluded…?” I carefully looked around once more, he was right. There was a gate I passed by that had a warning sign in it. And out the horizon, there were no possible signs of houses or buildings, just full of grass. Gosh, if I died here, that would be great. 

“Oh well, hehe, do you mind entering the warehouse?” The supposed “San” asked me kindly. This boy gave off the same energy as Wooyoung here, feels like I could trust him immediately.

“San! This place is top secret! What if the adults find us here? You’re gonna invite every kid you see, huh?” He hit San on the head. 

“Yeosang looks homeless, bro. What, you’re gonna abandon him here all alone? You’re heartless!” He exclaimed as he carefully picked me up.

He took a good look at me. “Wow, you’re really pretty!” He gasped. “Ah, sorry, I said that out loud.” 

“Yah, I agree.” Wooyoung said, picking up the broken pieces of the drone I just disassembled. “Did you know that 50 teenage girls confessed to him the first day of school? Man’s living the life.” I should really teach Wooyoung the value of privacy later. 

As I entered the abandoned warehouse, I noticed an adult man focused over his laptop. He had blue hair and very exotic clothes. He had about 9 piercings on each of his ears, and he wore silver accessories. 

“Hyung! Can you pass me the water and towel, pwetty please?” Wooyoung asked in a baby voice, something I never wanted to hear and see again. The adult didn’t look up from his computer and just tossed them to San and Wooyoung.

San began wiping the dirt off of my face as I admired the inside of this warehouse. It was perfectly decorated and neat. There was a corner where music equipment lay, but not something that I’d played before, there was a guitar, a piano, and drums, and a recording corner. On the other side there was a very big space big enough for dancing. A big layer of mirrors lay in front, just like a dance practice studio. Where I sat were just full of shenanigans, couches, tv, studying tables. Even if this place was minimal, I felt like home already.

“So mind telling me why you looked like a runaway bride back there?” San asked, putting down the wet towel and gave me a fresh new pair of clothes, white pants and a blue flannel shirt. “Hehe, I think we’re the same size.”

“Oh uhm,” I hesitated. Should I tell him? “Just had to get some fresh air, that’s all.”

“Okie then.” He didn’t press on, which caught me off guard.

“If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine.” I’ve never met anyone who gave me the freedom of having privacy, my heart beat a little bit. Something I’ve never felt before. 

“Well, I left in the middle of my violin class.” I explained. “Felt overwhelmed, that is.”

“Mhm.” He attentively listened. He didn’t interrupt me?

“Uh…” 

“Oh that’s it? Okay then, you can return to your home if you want now that you're all cleaned up!” San said. “Just don’t tell anyone about this place okay? Please?” 

“I… actually don’t want to go back for a bit.” 

San’s expression softened. “For real…? Sorry man. I mean, we won’t murder you, so you can stay whenever then!” 

What’s with this guy and giving me the option to stay or leave?

“....Thank you.” I whispered. “I’ll pay you back someday.”

“...Hah.”

“What-?”

“What do you mean ‘pay back’? Yeosang, you planning to pay back money?” San questioned.

“Well yeah, it’s natural to do that, right?”

San responded with a laugh. Never in my life witnessed someone laughing at me. Did I say something funny?

“I like you, you’re kinda funny! Hey, you don’t need to do that, I wasn’t expecting anything, ya know.” 

What?

“If anything, you can pay us back or something by being our friend! If you want to of course.” San smiled at me. 

“Yeah, and please fix these broken equipment as well….” Wooyoung pleaded. 

I began to laugh freely. I felt so warm for the first time, I guess I didn’t need to watch what I say or do anymore. 

Again, I proved them wrong. 

Because of them, I learnt to love dancing and music. Because of Yunho and Wooyoung, I learnt to dance freely. Because of Hongjoong, I learnt how to express myself. I learnt so much in a span of months than my entire life in this household. 

We were just boys with big dreams. Weren’t mass murderers, nor a cult, so why did mother and father disapprove of them?

Whenever I danced a little or sung a small verse, my father always looked at me. I recognize that look anywhere else. It was the same scrutinizing eyes that gave me anxiety. I wanted him to look away for once. Just for a second, please.

“When you said you wanted to take me somewhere, I thought you meant a bar or some shit, not this…” A familiar voice responded.

“Can ya just shut- hey Yeo! This is Song Mingi- hoi! C’mere!” Wooyoung retaliated.

I looked at the same dude who saved me months before and felt myself caught off guard. Wooyoung can befriend a criminal and he wouldn’t even blink. So he’s friends with the infamous Song Mingi, huh? He really is a free spirit… 

“Yo….” He greeted me. “Hmm? Oh, you’re that rich boy from before.”

Before I greeted him back, I froze. “Rich boy?!”

“What? It’s true isn’t it? What’s wrong with me calling you that, offended?”

“I-”

Wooyoung pushed Mingi towards me while laughing, “Looks like both of you’ll get along really well. Welcome Mingi! Yeosang, welcome him.” 

Before I processed what he just called me, Mingi just freed himself from Wooyoung’s grip and walked away, admiring the hideout’s interior. I heard him whisper something along the lines of, “I don’t wanna get stained by some spoiled kid.” Uhm.

“Heh, this place ain’t bad, Woo-oung.” 

“Well, hehe, I decorated it.” Decorated bullshit, Wooyoung, stop lying.

“The others aren’t gonna arrive for a while, so how about hanging out with Yeo for a bit, Mingi?” Wooyoung suggested.

“...I’m good.” Mingi replied.

“Pleeeeeaaase, for me?” Woo pleaded. All Mingi did was stare at him, he looked like he was trying to hold back from approving. Was there something that I did wrong to upset the delinquent? Why does it seem like he didn’t like me, and I haven’t said anything.

“Hehe, I’ll go out for a bit to buy some food for us all, spicy cupped ramen noodles, how does that sound?” He didn’t even seek our answer and he just bolted out the door, I guess he was that hungry.

I faced the scary-looking delinquent. “Hey, I’m Kang Yeosang.”

“I didn’t ask, spoiled brat.”

Huh.

“So uh… thank you again for saving me, when was it, last last month? Couldn’t have escaped that guy without you.” 

He turned around and muttered a mere. “Hm.” Please, I just wanted to have an understanding here, is that too much to ask?

I fought the urge to tell him off but stopped when he approached the mic from the recording corner. 

Mingi examined it for a moment and removed the wire connecting it to Hongjoong’s laptop. 

“Hey, don’t touch that, that’s Hongjoong’s-”

“Stop talking, I’m just fixing it.” Fixing it?

“You can’t just plug in whatever, you need a condenser for the mic to work a bit better.” That’s when he plugged the mic’s wire to said condenser and connected the condenser’s main wire to Hongjoong’s laptop. He then proceeded to adjust the foams and circled it around the mic’s perimeter. 

So he’s a music geek like us as well. Neat.

“Wow.” I commented. 

He then approached the speakers near the dancing studio and sat down, connecting the speaker to his phone and played Dean’s Instagram.

I raised my eyebrows, he’s a real music geek.

I had nothing to do so I merely followed him and sat down next to him, I loved this song. Dean expresses his struggle with social media wherein he acknowledges Instagrams’s toxicity. How eerily perfect and calculated all ideal Instagramers post, and how stupid insecure people feed from it. I bop my head to the beat, I was once like that, but the difference is that I didn’t choose to fake my image. 

When everyone finally finished their work and arrived at the hideout, they all hesitantly greeted him. I couldn’t blame them, he looked like he was looking for a fight all the time, his physique doesn’t help. 

Everyone bidded each other goodbye as they all went their separate ways. 

Wooyoung pulled me aside, “Yeo, you gotta fetch Mingi home.” 

“...Hah.”

“Yeh, I know it’s sudden, but seriously. Everytime he comes to school, I always find new bruises on his body… It’s concerning. I think he’s been fighting people every night. Can you do this for me? Please.”

This time, he didn’t ask a favor for himself. If that’s the case with Mingi, then I guess I have the power to prevent it. But I know nothing of this dude, so this’ll be awkward as hell.

I sighed. “Sure, for you.” Why is Woo so good at convincing….

“Thanks, bro. Saranghae.”

“I know.” 

“Say it back.”

“Bye, Woo.”

“Hey…” He pouted.

I spotted him walking away, then took a deep breath, I hate this.

“Hey, Mingi!”

“....” He ignored me again. Seriously, was there something I did to offend him.

“Mingi!” I called out to him once more. What’s his deal? Then I noticed that he had both earphones on. Oh no, he can’t hear me.

I mustered up the courage and took one earphone off. He reacted quickly and almost hit me on the head, but I took a step back. 

“...What the fuck.”

“Sorry to startle you, but I need to take you home.”

“I don’t need your help, babysitter. I can walk myself, thanks.” He began putting back his earphones but I took one off again. 

“You’re starting to piss me off, rich boy.”

“I have a name, Mingi. Maybe use it?”

“Tch… what the hell do you want.” Mingi stared me down. I didn’t flinch one bit, I was used to that look because it resembled my father a little too similarly.

“Wooyoung wants me to fetch you home from now on.”

“Don’t use him to take advantage of me, leech.” 

“He told me that he’s been worried about you, you always appear at school with a brand new injury, I don’t think you could have told me that.”

His face softened, “...”

So when it comes to Wooyoung, that’s his weakness, huh? 

“Besides, I’m not doing this for you. If you keep denying my offer, then I’ll just have to tell the whole school that you’re friends with me, how bout’ that?” I taunted, I wasn’t actually going to, but it was fun teasing him.

He groaned. “I don’t want anything to do with you… fine, just don’t talk to me while we’re at school or out in public, got it?”

I nodded. “Gotcha.”

So we continued to walk together to my car. As we walked, I instinctively took the earphone and raised it to my ear. He has good taste in music, I’ll admit. He didn’t take back the earbud I took from him, he just let it be. I’m glad.

“So where do you live?”

He ignored me and straight up told my driver where he lived. Could he stop doing that?

He sighed as he rested his back against the seat.

“....Smells good.”

“Hah.”

“Nothing.” He looked away.

20 minutes in, we stopped conversing and only looked outside our windows. 

“Yeosang.”

I flinched at his calling. “Wh-what? I’m sorry.”

He only stared at me in confusion. “What? Anyways, I gotta question.”

“What is it?”

“You don’t mind me being near you? Or sitting in your car?” He didn’t face me. 

“What does that even mean, Mingi?”

“I mean-eh…. You don’t mind a poor boy staining your car? Really?” 

Oh.

“What….. You really think that I’d hate you because of your financial status? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me all this time? Because you thought I’d judge you? Judge you that you have less money than me? Is this what’s this about? You actually thought I’d cut off your head for breathing?” I managed to say all of that in one breath. I panted.

“.........”

“I’m really sick of people judging me without fully knowing me, I’m not gonna let someone push their image of me down my throat.” I crossed my arms and looked back outside. 

“Damn, I just asked a question.” I heard him whisper. “I’m sorry then.”

The tension subsided for a bit when he uttered those words. “Sorry for snapping at you, I was just pissed.” 

“Heh, ironic, I suffered the same thing before. So...I’m sorry again.”

I finally faced him, “What do you mean?”

“Truthfully, I knew that you were afraid of me when you first looked at my face. But you still hung out with me today, so thank you...? Heh, I have a lot of things I’m sorry for, you even drove me home.” Mingi combed his hair backwards.

“....S’nothing.” I whispered. “Oh look, we’re here.” I looked outside and saw a very small secluded warehouse beside some other small houses. Guess he lives there. 

Mingi took off his seatbelt and opened the door, “Hey.”

“What is it?”

“Let’s hang sometime, with your consent that is, hehe.”

I smiled back at him. “Sure.”

My driver started the car again and we went back home.

I took a deep breath as I opened the door.

…

…

…

“Yeo-? What happened to your face? Why… why do you have a bruise?” Wooyoung asked me cautiously.

“....It’s nothing, Woo.”

I can’t believe I accidentally became their sugar daddy. 

I took my skateboard with me and rode on it to the park with him. My parents were out tonight, so I snuck out. 

“Hey San.”

“What’s up?” He looked up from his ice cream. 

“Quick question, can you look up?” I questioned as I circled him.

“....Why? Heh.” He asked.

“No just trust me, bro.”

He shrugged. “Alright.” He raised his head and looked up as I asked him to.

“What do the stars look like?” I stopped riding my skateboard and took it with my hands.

“Hah?!” 

I laughed. “I don’t know what they look like, so I might try asking you. I’m curious as to how they look since the adults keep asking me that question.”

“You mean you don’t know what a star looks like?!” He gasped. “Well, look here.” He tried to lift my head up.

“Nah-no. I tried to find them when I was a child, but. They just didn’t appear, you know…”

“You’re now 16 years old, did you even try right now?” 

“I…..” I broke away from  his grip, “No, please just describe them to me.” In truth, I was afraid I’d see a blank void again like before. I really wanted to know what the stars looked like. 

“Yeosang….” He convinced me. “How ‘bout this, we look up together at the same time?” 

“I mean, sure, I guess….” If I end up disappointing myself again, I’m leaving San here at the park and going straight home. 

“3.”

“2.”

“1…”

We both raised our heads up.

“Yeo….. open your eyes you dumbass.”

I sighed. “Fine.” I fluttered my eyes open and gasped. I can finally see them. 

I dropped my skateboard as my body went soft. “Woah…” I can see them...I can finally see them. The stars that the adults were talking about. They’re here.

White, very small dots shining the black void. Who knew it could be so beautiful even if it was minimalistic. When I was a child, I could have never seemed to spot one star, I always thought the adults were lying to me. I practically gave up looking for them after many attempts. 

So this was what it was like….. To think that San could see this everyday while I couldn’t.

He gazed at me, I think he knows what I mean.

From all the time we spent with each other, I grew to love them all equally like my own brothers. Now that my path’s not on one road anymore, the word “I” became “ours”. I was glad I could now share my dream with the boys since my parents always taught me that I should keep it to myself. 

I tried to suppress all the threats and hits my father attempted to throw at me, all these bruises on my hand, all these scars on my calf from the stick, internal and mental, it was all meaningless. I believed that he wouldn’t go that far as to torment my friends…. Would he? As long as they weren't affected, everything was going well.  

That was the moment where I understood how powerful and dangerous my father was. How far he’s come to abuse children, how far he can go to abuse his reputation and name. I should have listened to his threat when he said he wouldn’t hesitate to separate me and my boys. 

I felt my blood boil and heart bursting as I took the notice on the door of the hideout reading: 

“Bought by the Kang family.”

I felt my chest tighten, my sweat flood my forehead, I couldn’t breath at all. I was shaking so badly, and I felt light. 

This was the last straw. 

I couldn’t let them take away the one thing that got me back my fever. I was so fucking tired of the mental and physical abuse from my parents. This isn’t love at all. 

I didn’t even bother to call my driver to come pick me up and bring me home. I was running there out of anger, I didn’t care if I got hurt, I’m not letting them take away this one thing. You could hurt me, father, but you can’t hurt them.

I opened the door to his office and slammed my bag to his desk, fuming with anger. “Kang, what the fuck is this.” I threw the notice on his face.

Both of my parents took me by surprise with the sudden outburst. 

“What is this.” He took the paper from his face. 

I screamed at his face. “YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE HELL THIS IS.”

He didn’t even look worried, which annoyed me even more, he simply rolled up the paper and faced me. “You needed a punishment from disobeying us.”

“Punishment? I need you to listen to yourself! Not only did you target my only weakness, you took away something that isn’t yours to begin with?! What the hell’s wrong with you?!” 

“That warehouse was nameless, anyone could have bought it.” He fixed his hair. “I warned you of what I would do if you talked back, remember?”

“SO IT’S MY FAULT NOW?!” 

My mother stood up. “Enough! Kang Yeosang, address your father properly!” 

“YOU’RE NOT EVEN WORTHY OF THAT TITLE.”

My mother raised her hand and slapped me across the face. I brought my hand to my cheek, it hurt so bad. It burnt like fire. This was not the first time she slapped me, but it was only on my hands or my shin. I finally let the tears fall. 

My mother gasped. “W-wait… I’m sorry-” she reached out to me and felt myself flinch so hard. I thought she was going to punch me. 

“Yeosang, sit down….” My father insisted, I did not sit down. “I’m doing this out of love. Notice how your grades gradually decreased when you started...playing “music.” As if that word is poison, you have no right to speak that out of your mouth.

“And those fleas are distracting you, darling.” My mother said. 

“S-so you went on your way to do these things behind my back, did you even bother t-to ask me how I felt all this time?” It was a miracle that I even forced those words out of me. 

“That doesn’t matter.” He finally said that sentence, huh.

“Music isn’t an ideal job.” As if you knew what it felt like. You have no right to speak about something you know nothing about. 

“I want you to be rich and successful.” And risk my happiness over mere success.

And finally, “I love you.” They say that after every argument like it’s related to anything. 

I managed to utter one last thing to them. “If not allowing yourself to make mistakes is what it takes to be perfect, then I don’t want to be perfect.” I picked up my bag and the notice with me, “If you truly loved me, then you would have trusted me enough.” I can already feel their confused faces watch me as I attempt to leave his office. I’m pretty sure it was useless to even say that. 

Ever since I was a child, they were always my voice. Never in my life did they give it back to me. 

As I closed the door, I felt empty as I walked back to my room. 

I whispered to myself. “Is it really success if I’m not satisfied with my work….”

I didn’t bother facing them the next day out of embarrassment. I didn’t plan to come by and say goodbye since I’m already sitting here, at the airport’s 1st class seat. My father and mother planned from the beginning to move to someplace else other than Korea. I stopped the ability of hearing when I heard those words, so I was unaware of where my life’s going to end up in the future. 

They managed to steal my life for the second time, and here I am again. Powerless beyond comparison. 

I took my hands and rubbed my face. Shit. I lost my fever again, the same feeling as when I was a child. I lost sight of the stars. 

I felt a hand on my back. “I love you son.” No you don’t.

“I love you too, dad.”

I broke our promise, I took away their freedom and I destroyed our safe place. Something we all feared the adults were gonna do. Who knew I was capable of that? 

…

…

… 

I’m sorry guys, none of this would have happened if I just kept walking that day.

I Don't Know

-

-

    I was always laughing, but I always felt lonely. I just couldn’t open up or maybe I never had the time to open up. Every time I got closer to someone, I had to move. 

It is happening again today, but this time it’s a little different. Now I have friends to talk to about my feelings. As soon as I saw them, I knew right off the bat, they’re like me. Oh, Seonghwa was a little different. He never tried to do anything the traditional way, he was always “HIS” way. 

My dad said we would have to move again. It was something I was used to hearing, but this time it hit differently. Can I just leave like that now that I java a place of my own… What should I say to Wooyoung? Thanks to him, thanks to my friends, I was able to perfect my dance moves.

Bobo, what should I do? What? You want me to do it “MY” way?

-

-

I’ve been to 3 different schools in a span of my life. There was nothing permanent I could keep since my dad always says the words: “We’re moving again.”

I learnt how to not get attached to things so quickly as a result of this. Otherwise, I would despair of loneliness. Whenever I began to grow attachment to some other child, I would have to move again.

I can’t count how many goodbyes I gave to each kid, it was getting tiring to say the least. Saying my farewells turned out to be a habit from now on. As a result, I had trust issues with meeting other people, in fear that I’d have to leave them again. 

It’s not their fault.

As a little boy, I tried to convince my father to stay once, but all he did was brush me off. He always tells me that nothing in life could get in your way, so I’d just have to deal with it and follow his orders. 

I don’t think he’s the bad guy here, he’s a single man in his 30’s, and he’s barely giving time for me. What can I say? We were both trying to cope. 

Another school day, I walk in the classroom as my teacher introduces me to the class I’m never going to plan to talk to. 

“Everyone welcome Choi San, everyone! Please introduce yourself, San.” the teacher prompted.

“Oh uhm,” I face the class. “Hi, my name is Choi San, I lived in Namhae, Seoul. Please take care of me.” I bow to the class as an etiquette.

The class merely clapped for me as I chose my seat next to a tall child with silver hair in the back. I hear some whispers in the corner of my ear: “Dude, he lowkey looks hot, not gonna lie.”

“Let’s welcome him later properly, president.”

“Sure, sure. After class.”

I turn away in guilt, I didn’t want them to be kind to me, I might get attached. Maybe if I’ll ignore them they’ll go away.

But as soon as class ended, they all circled me as they welcomed me with warmth. Something I didn’t want. I only smiled with thanks, there was nothing I could do. I can’t reject their kind gesture, that would be rude. 

I was fortunate enough to meet such a respectable class, it would have been better if they didn’t welcome me, then by then I wouldn’t be that surprised.

But no matter how hard I tried to avoid them…… they were just so kind. Whenever kids try to befriend me, I try my best to put some distance between us. 

If only they knew about my trauma, they’d make this easier for me.

In every event, or in every activity, I was always that kid in the corner of the room, doing my best to avoid my classmates. But without fail, my accepting classmates always found a way to join me in a conversation. 

After a while, kids started to give up trying to befriend me, I guess they didn’t find me interesting anymore. But there was always this group of children who never let go of me ever since I came to this school. 

“Hi! My name’s Choi Jongho.”, “Yeah! And I’m Jung Wooyoung!”

“Name’s Jeong Yunho!”

“Hey, let’s hang out later will ya?”

“Hey, do you like basketball?”

“How bout’ something else? Do you like it?”

“Do you play guitar?”

No matter how many times I tell them off, they just wouldn’t stop grabbing on to my tail. I was like a magnet to them. What’s up with this trio? 

After every breaktime, lunchtime and school, they would always invite me to hang out with them. I kept wondering out of all people why they would want to hang out with me, but it would stop after a while, just like my class, right?

No, I was wrong. Instead, they keep making excuses now in order to let me participate….. I remember that one time.

“Mountain!”

I stop walking and turn my head to Wooyoung, who was….. stuck in a tree. “What…..” 

“You gotta help me, please!” Wooyoung exclaimed.

“Yeah, pretty please? You wouldn’t want to help your classmate, huh?” Yunho pleaded. I could tell Jongho tried to hold in his laughter. “Pfft…”

“.... I’ll just call the firemen.” I fished out my phone to start dialing until Jongho interrupted me.

“No! Uhhh… we can handle this ourselves, right? No need to bother them….” 

I stare at him. “....Then what good are they. Their jobs aren’t for display, right?” 

“But…. AH-” Wooyoung began to fall, so I panicked and rushed over to try and use myself as a pillow. These kids are crazy. 

“Hehe, thanks, Mountain.”

“....Just get off of my back.” I tried to breath out.

The next few months were hell for me. They really tried their best to get my attention at every chance they can get. I was starting to get annoyed, since how the hell can you pull this off for how long?! I couldn’t help admiring that.

There was this one time where Jongho’s basketball went over our school gate, so they asked me to get it for them, but when I returned it, they tried to make idle chit chat but I simply walked away. Things such as these little inconveniences like getting their stuff or fixing their things never failed to get my attention. I wasn’t going to look like an asshole here…. I had no choice. 

I lied down on my bed and sighed. There were times where I wished I hadn't moved, but now’s the time where I desired to, especially now. They were getting on my last nerves. I was glad that I had that much patience, how come I didn’t snap…?

“Bobo…. Where are you….” 

My cat, I would always mindlessly talk to them whenever I felt stuffy. 

“....Bobo?” I sat up, and turned on the light. That’s unusual, Bobo always slept beside me whenever I went to sleep, but now my bed’s empty. 

“Bobo.” I called out one more time. Probably someplace else? No. I checked the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, and my dad’s bed. No sign of my furry brother. 

I panicked and changed to a more comfortable clothing, grabbed a flashlight and went outside, calling out to my now lost best friend.

“BOBO!” I called out again and again, but no sign of a mere meow. My heart racing, I started shouting his name in hopes that I would find them. Alarmed, I didn’t even realize that I might have woken up some of my neighbors. 

I went through so many buildings that I couldn’t notice that I was already miles from my home. Only my dad and my best friend were able to move as one piece, the people that I actually cared about. 

“BO-....bo?” My words trailed off. I was now at a giant basketball court, and right in front of me was Choi Jongho, embracing my cat.

I pent up in rage, “You idiot! Did you kidnap him?!”

His almond eyes widened. “What-? No! I-” I shut him up by hitting him with my flashlight repeatedly. “Let. Him. Go!” I said with every hit. 

“Hoi! Stop! Wait!” He staggered away, still embracing Bobo. “I just found him running here with a piece of flying paper! You gotta believe me! I was just here when I suddenly saw him!” 

“I don’t care how you got him! Just give him to me, you freak!” I took Bobo out of his arms and cooed at my cat.

“ Mreow. ” 

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry for leaving you… you’re safe now from this madman. Oh yes you are.” I kissed their forehead. 

“Hey…. you two need a room or sumn? I said I didn’t do it…. Whatever.” He rolled his eyes, and sweet-talked Bobo. “See you next time~ I’m gonna miss you.” And patted his head. 

I took Bobo away from him. “No.”

“Hey….”

I sighed. “What are you doing here anyways, Jongho? Aren’t you supposed to be asleep by now?” 

“Oh well, I snuck out.” He scratched his head.

“Huh? But, out here at the court? What were you doing anyways?” 

“....Nothing. Go back to your home safely, I’ll be fine. Just leave me alone.” He said.

I froze, this was the first time that he ever told me off. I was just so used to him inviting me, but standing here right now, he just told me to leave him alone. Strange.

“Oh then…” I hesitated, “Bye then, oh. And thank you.” 

“Mmm.” He answered. 

I started walking away until I unconsciously stopped to see why he was here. Jongho limped towards a basketball far across the court with his supporting walker. I probably forgot to tell you that he had a cast in his left leg, and yet he plays basketball still.

I heard him sigh as the redhead picked up the ball and threw it without effort. And that’s when I noticed one tiny detail. His eyes. I never knew why I hadn’t noticed it until now but, his almond-shaped eyes were grey… like a bored and dull expression hung at him, it fit his facial manner as well. 

I looked down and scratched Bobo. I never really had a hobby, now that I think about it. I always admired those children who had the time to love something. Oh, how I desired to just stay in one place for once to admire my world. But I couldn’t. 

“Hey, wanna try?” Jongho suddenly called out to me. “Hehe, you didn’t really leave, huh?”

I flinched and faced him. “O-oh uh… can I?” 

He raised his eyebrows. “Sure.”

I cautiously put Bobo down and looked at the basketball.

Jongho picked it up and placed it on my hands, “A mere ball isn’t going to bite you, what are you afraid of? Haha!”

I’m afraid that I’m going to love it and abandon it again like before. But I couldn’t tell you that, Jongho. 

“Nothing.” I lied. I began my stance, but before throwing it, I glanced at Jongho for approval. He simply smiled at me, so I threw it at last and I goaled.

His face lit up. “Woah! Damn, Mountain! You surely know a way around a ball!” He chuckled and patted my back. “Where’d you learn how to play?”

I looked away in fear. “My dad used to teach me.”

“Oh? What happened then?”

I rubbed my neck. “He stopped playing basketball with me.”

“O-oh?” He cautiously said.

“He’s not dead, don’t worry. But all the things we’ve done before have now gone by. I’m a growing child, maybe that’s the reason.” Or maybe he was too busy to even take time for me.

“Ah… damn. Well, I’m the opposite actually. Both my parents supported me all throughout my life.” He said. “Maybe I can continue teaching you some basics then?” Jongho offered.

“What?”

Jongho stepped back cautiously, “Oh! Only if you want to of course! Hehe.” 

As my walls began to open, it closed back in again. “No thanks.”

His gummy smile melted. “O-oh… okay then.” I can practically see his ears drooping. “Well, there’s no use in trying to go around you, let me walk you home at least, San.”

I picked up Bobo, “No, I’m good. Good night, Jongho. We have school tomorrow, we should go home now.” I left him there without saying another word.

As I continued my way, I heard him whisper, “Hah…… there’s no way around you, is there, Mountain?”

Weeks after that event, the trio suddenly stopped bothering me and continued on with their hangouts without attempting to invite me anymore. I was getting my hopes up.

“They finally left me alone….” I sighed to myself. I felt relieved, but after every dismissal, I grew to expect a screaming Wooyoung after I exited the school gate from now on. 

Hmm…. that was certainly odd. I never felt this way when my classmates stopped bothering me, it’s not like I miss them… right?

Then I heard Wooyoung scream with his lungs out. I turned towards it in anticipation, but to my disappointment, he just tripped while Jongho laughed, picking him up, not even glancing towards my direction.

What was I thinking. I should be glad that they got off my back now. 

“Yo!” Yunho shouted. I looked at him before he ran towards me. 

Ugh, this blonde fucker again.

But he wasn’t waving towards me, he ran past me like I wasn't there. Tch, what was I expecting, really. 

I continued to walk out the school gate. Yep, I wasn’t expecting anything alright. 

“San, I’m home!” My father greeted me. “Quick, help me out here.” He reached his hand out with his bag and jacket.

“Oh, hi~” I greeted back, it was a rare occasion to see him home this early. I thought, maybe because it was Sunday. 

I picked up his things like he asked me to and placed them down properly. 

“Hello Bobo~ you miss me?” 

“Mreow.”

My dad laughed. “San, I’m free for today, so we can eat together at last! How does that sound.” He said as he took off his shoes. He wreaked of work. 

My heart beat, I was finally going to bond with my dad for a long time. “Sure! Where should we eat, dad?” I said in excitement.

“Nah-ah~ I’m cooking tonight, my treat for keeping up with me.” I never felt this happy, not only will I use this day to hang out with my family, I get to cook with him!

“Just get these ingredients first. M’kay?”

“Sure dad, sure.”

He patted my head. “Good boy.” He yawned and face-planted into the couch.

I smiled endearingly at him. I won’t let this moment go to waste. This was a one time opportunity (since his crappy bosses keep overworking his hard-working ass. Of course I wasn’t gonna take this for granted).

I picked up my jacket and bid both papa and Bobo goodbye.

“Be back soon.”

Skipping happily towards the convenience store, I held the money close to me. But my face dropped when I saw a familiar blond inside the convenience store with a silver-haired adult next to him. 

I cautiously hid before Yunho could spot me. Jeez, this was gonna be awkward. So I took my hood and covered myself before entering.

Don’t mind me, just minding my own business.

Shit, the ingredient that dad needed was beside Yunho and that adult. Should I wait it out or risk it with my disguise? 

Risk it. I wasn’t going to waste another precious second when I knew I wasn’t going to hang out with my dad another day. 

I looked away while walking towards the fridge-

“San?”

Tch…… 

“O-oh, h-hey, Yunho.” I stammered. 

“What’re you doing here?” Yunho took one of his earphones off, eyes lit. 

“O-oh uhm.” So my disguise wasn’t that good, huh. “I came to pick up something for dad… that’s all.” I smiled nervously.

“Oh?”

“Yeah uh…. How are you nowadays, Yunho?”

He froze, and stared at me with wide eyes. “This’ the first time you’ve ever asked me that.” He chuckled.

Crap. What have I gotten myself into.

“Yunho, you know this kid?” The intimidating silver haired man asked him with an uninterested tone.

“Uhhhh- sorta?” He scratched his head. “Ah- Park Seonghwa, Choi San, Choi San, Park Seonghwa.” He smiled at me.

I gulped. This man gave off the vibe of a corrupt politician, why was he so scary for. His gray, cat-like eyes simply stared me down and walked away. 

? WHAT ?

“Hyung-? Oh-” Yunho faced me. “Sorry about that. He's not interested in anybody at the moment. Not to be negative here... so sorry ‘bout that. Uhm. Bye.”

“Wait-” I stopped him, what was I doing? I didn’t even have something to say to him, so why did I do that just now?

“Hm?” 

I gulped. Thanks a lot, anxiety. “I-I just wanna know why you turned away that day.” I blurted out without much thought.

“Turned away?” Yunho raised a brow.

“No like-” What am I even saying. “I wanna know why you guys stopped inviting me to your hangouts. Not that I care or anything but…. I’m just curious.”

“Ooohh, that….. Jongho wanted to give you some space, didn’t you know?” I didn’t. “We figured you weren’t very interested in us so we just did as you wished.”

“What I wished?”

“Jongho saw something strange in you that night, said that you seemed excited for the first time when you and him played basketball. Something you could never see in us, so he figured, we would just leave you alone ever since.”

I did want you boys to leave me alone, but I never expected to miss you 3 so quickly. 

“I see…..” was all I could muster. 

“Hey, why do you seem down? Didn’t you want this?” He clarified.

I thought I did. But I wanted to divert the attention away from me this time, since I was getting uncomfortable by the sudden spotlight.

“What’re those for?” I pointed to his cart.

Yunho’s face lit up like it never did before. “It’s for my older brother.”

“You have a brother, huh? The only brother I have is my cat.”

And that’s when we both genuinely laughed with each other. 

“Well then, I’m off, good luck with your dish or something. It was nice to genuinely talk to you again alone.” The latter said. 

“Mhm…” 

As Yunho turned to take his leave, I gasped and stopped him by the arm. “What is that?! Is that an Ikon jacket?” 

“Wh-what-?”

“You listen to CLC too?! Yunho!”

“What’s wrong? I’m a dancer you know… that’s why I know them.” Yunho said in confusion while I shook him by the shoulders. 

“You’re a dancer like me?!” I exclaimed in excitement. “Yunho, we should share our practices sometime, I wanna get to know who else you like!” I invited him without thinking. If there is one thing that can move with me, it’s music. All sorts of genres and structures, I probably know all. But my dancing skills have probably been rusty since I had no proper time nor place to practice it. 

Yunho smiled widely. “You think so? Sure!” 

I stopped shaking him as I just processed what I just offered.

“Yunho, let’s go.” Seonghwa called out.

“Ah-okay, after school, Mountain. We’ll bring you somewhere.” Yunho walked backwards as he waved at me.

Before exiting the store, he looked at me one last time and said something I could never forget: “I’m glad you opened up to me at last.” as he finally left. 

Ever since my proposal, we hung out for real this time. I slowly put down the walls that were protecting me from my dreams with them. Slowly, I grew to let them come to my safe place. 

Who knew that these boys were just like me? I grew a bond that could never break.

And this hideout, this damn place.

A place where time has finally stopped for me, a place that gave me the opportunity to finally appreciate life. These brothers, I thought they were just the same people I said goodbye to, but right off the bat, I knew they were like me. So I let them in for once. 

Ever since, more children started saying my name. All these emotions that I wasn’t able to feel, became my first fever. 

I learnt how to try my best every second now thanks to the boys. I had a distant thought that I would abandon them again once my dad finally says those words. But I didn’t care. I finally had a permanent home at last. So why would I need to think about the end right away? All we needed to do is to not have regrets. So why the hell do I need to think about it instantly? 

So when he finally said those words: “We’re moving again.” I felt my heart drop. Those words mean differently this time. To think that those were the words I ended up getting used to hearing, it felt like a stab in the chest. So why…. 

I finally had a permanent home. You are not going to take it away from me. 

But before I could protest, I looked at my dad’s eyes. They were the same expression I saw in the adults. The same tired, bored, feverless eyes I once had. And I understood. These “adults” once took away my dad’s dream. I shut my mouth and obeyed him.

When I told Wooyoung about it. He only stared at me in the eyes, shaking as he grabbed my collar. 

“....Hey, Mountain.”  Wooyoung said with a shaky voice. “We’re gonna miss you, you know.”

“Wait- Woo, don’t say that yet… please…” My eyes started to water.

“I actually had fun with you…” as he placed his head on my chest, whispering: “I actually saw you as my family… all of them….”

“Woo, please, just don’t.” My hands shook as well as I tried to avoid his weak head on my chest.

“No… stop it… you had no regrets so this is good… this is good, San.” Wooyoung clenched my collar tighter. “We’ll miss you okay? You’re permanent to us, okay? You hear me?

You’re permanent to us.

“Woo, j-just stop it...” I say as I struggled to remove his hands off of me, but I couldn’t. “Please just stop talking.”

Wooyoung dug his head deeper on my chest, I could feel his anger. “Just write to us okay? Just write to us….” And that’s when he plopped on the floor and buried his hands on his head. 

“I said shut up…” I sniffed as I dropped on the floor as well. “Not when my life’s just started… I promise… I’ll write to you all.” 

But he didn’t answer. He didn’t face me either.

…

…

…

…

...

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“San, your bag. Is everything ready? Did you get Bobo?” 

“Mm.”

“Okay then, let’s go.”

I followed dad as I raised my foot and stepped on the elevator going downwards. Back to square one, I face my surroundings with the same expression. 

It’s like dying and living again, except I never chose to live once more. As I went downwards again for the fourth time, I continued my path the same way as I did before. 

Looking back at it now, I never really had the freedom to choose, ever since I was a child, there were always instances where something natural came to interrupt me from reaching my dream. 

To think I let them sweep me away all this time. 

To think I would let them take this from me again.

To think after 16 years of enduring the pain of saying goodbye time and time again, I would be rewarded for my endurance. 

To think I deserved this.

To think I finally found it. 

I look at the ground, and see that my feet never moved at least once. I dropped my bag and ran to them. 

I ignored my father calling out my name and those scrutinizing eyes that watched me go out of the airport station. To think I let them control me once again.

“Hey, Woo, didn’t San come with you on the way here?” Hongjoong asked Wooyoung. 

“....No he didn’t.” 

"I mean, he hasn't been coming here lately, did something happen…?" 

Wooyoung simply looked away. "I don't know."

"Huh...then-" Hongjoong stopped in his tracks as he heard the metal door open with a bang, and then entered San. 

Everyone in the room, especially Wooyoung, perked up at the sight of their friend who suddenly appeared after disappearing for 4 weeks. 

"S-San-" Wooyoung stood up, eyes wide.

Seonghwa interrupted. " SAN? WHERE WERE YOU? ARE YOU HURT? ARE YOU OKAY?" 

San panted out of breath as he looked at everyone and uttered: "Nothing. I just went out for walk, that's all."

The Sound of His Laughter

-

-

Music was my haven, my escape, my one and only relief. When I felt like dying, I would listen to music. 

I wasn’t afraid of death! People who never lived in poverty would never understand this feeling. People around me looked at me as if I were an alien from another planet, laughing at an immature high school student wanting to die, I guess it is uncommon for someone my age to feel that way. 

Only a few friends’ names you remember throughout elementary, middle, and high school. Most of them were in elementary school. No one talked to me, but that is mainly because I didn’t answer even when they try to talk to me. But Wooyoung was different. Not that I remember, he was with me all throughout elementary, middle and high school. Wooyoung would always come next to me during every break. Whether I answer or not, he would go on with his stories about our classmates, his favorite songs, some respected American dancers, and that music team he works with outside of school. He always tops it with that signature laugh of his, which naturally made me laugh. Out of shyness, I started calling him “Woo-Ong”. Ah that unique laugh of his. He was the first friend I’ve ever opened up to. 

At some point, I started eating and spending most of my time with Wooyoung. It was around that time too when I followed him to the hideout for the first time; the place where I could dream. They were friends who took me as I am. We cried, laughed, and made music together. They accepted me as who I am, regardless of where I live or who my parents were. I felt exuberant for the first time in my life. But now I’m getting scared. Can I really have a dream? Will it not be taken away from me?

Mingi's Diary

-

-

            I have no name or a reputation to uphold. The only name that my parents gave me was Song Mingi, and it still holds no value. 

            I’m part of the low class family, so we can’t get that much from anything. We were like the scraps of the barrel: unworthy and dirty. 

            Throughout my school life, I was never really much into making friends with other children, mostly because of my intimidating face, or maybe because I never talked back to them. 

            None of the kids my age ever had the time to learn about me, mostly because their parents warned that I might steal from them. Although they don’t have the evidence to claim that I did steal. So I stopped trying and never bothered anyone ever since. Making friends doesn’t give me money, so why bother?

            If I ever felt the need to jump off a building, hill, or a river, no one would even notice I was gone, even my parents.

            Dreaming was a luxury, so why bother having them when you’re poor?

            I can never seem to do things my way, so my only option is to raise my earbud to my ear and let the beat calm me. 

     My first love, music. From being a toddler till now, I can never seem to find anything wrong in this world whenever I hear my first love sing. And from now on, everything seems okay. 

            There were names I forget through elementary, middle and high school. But there was only one name I remembered, and his name was Jung Wooyoung. 

            Little details of him such as his energetic high-pitched tone, his small stature, and his signature laugh was unforgettable but incredibly annoying. 

            Every time I reject him, that’s his cue to bother me even more. Imagine tolerating that from elementary to high school. This child never seems to leave me alone. 

            Every break time, he would always use that opportunity to put his bento down on my desk without my consent, and eat there like I invited him. All the time, I would always leave for another secluded spot in school in hopes to avoid him. But that damn kid, he always finds me without fail. 

            That child, Jung Wooyoung, he never once looked at my face and cowered in fear. That’s what separates him from the other children. But still, his presence annoys the very core of my soul. I don’t know why he thinks I’m that valuable to him, I’m not.

            But one day, I caught him dancing to the beat once alone when I went to take a shortcut to my house. At the sight of him, I cautiously hid behind the cement wall to catch a peek at what he was doing in the middle of the night. 

            And from his speaker, I could hear a familiar song. The Jung Wooyoung I knew was different from who was in front of me. 

            That day, I could see his vulnerability for the first time.

     He danced like there was no tomorrow. And what surprised me even more is that he moved freely, like he never bothered the chains on his hands and feet. That was freedom for him. 

     And from that moment, I could feel what he was feeling. The same heartbeat when I listen to music. I could tell from that moment that this kid was like me. 

     The song ended and so did his choreography. He panted and relaxed his body. 

     Without instinct and out of stupidity, I uttered out a “Woah…”.

     “Huh-?! Wh-who’s there?!” He stammered.

     Oh crap. I said that out loud. 

     Wooyoung looked around, but before I could escape there, he spotted me. “Mingi?!”

     I stepped out and apologized, “Did I bother you? Sorry for interrupting just now…”

     “You saw all of that?!” He didn’t even hear my apology.

     “Yeah...”  

     “Wh- how long did you watch there?” He looked afraid of me, but not because of my face this time.

I scratched my head. “Man, you weren’t even that bad… that was kinda dope, what you just did right now.”

     “I-......” he panted once more. 

     “Listen man, if you want, I won’t tell anyone.” But he was still panting.

     “Hey, you good, dude?” My eyes widened, he can’t stop panting. 

     “Wooyoung?!” I approached him as he fell on the ground and shook. His body kept trembling and his breath was getting faster. I could see his eyes watering as he desperately tried to grab my collar. He was getting a panic attack. 

     “Wooyoung!” I held his hand as I fished out a used paperback from my backpack and took out its contents. I raised it to his mouth and he took it from my hands. As he tried to get back his breath, all I could do was rub his back and hold his hand while attempting to let out a few useless encouraging words. 

     For about 10 minutes we just sat on the ground like that, afterwards, he finally put down the given paper bag as his breathing went back to normal.

     “Thank you… thank you…” Wooyoung said repeatedly. “Hah- hah- huh…. Mingi…”

     “Hey, I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” What was I doing? I never cared for anyone like this.  

     “No no-” Wooyoung coughed, “It’s okay just…. I’m sorry just now. You didn’t have to see this.”

     “I don’t care… stand up.” I carefully held his arm as he struggled to keep up. “Care to explain what that was just now?”

     “Heh, you’re asking me now?” Wooyoung asked.

     That’s right, I never bothered to talk back to him throughout our entire history together. 

     “Well. I have current panic attacks whenever I dance in front of an audience, even if there’s only one person.” Wooyoung gave back the handkerchief I gave him. “I guess it’s the anxiety I had. It never really went away when I was little.”

     Shit… now I feel even more guilty. 

     “Ah, then sorry to bother you just now. I should have kept walking.” I looked down and began to walk away when Wooyoung suddenly grabbed my arm. 

     “No please. Don’t apologize. I needed to practice some more, I can’t be a dancer if I’m afraid of an audience, right?” Wooyoung said.

     “Hehe, yeah. I guess so.” I chuckled. 

     We both sat down on the concrete. “So… you like music, huh? I never knew that.” I asked him. 

     “I do, hehe.” Wooyoung smiled at me with those crescent eyes. “As a child I would always get hyped up whenever I hear my dad play any sort of kpop. I just love the feeling, you know?”

I did know what it was like. 

     “Other’s definition of happiness is probably getting rich, respect, money, or women, right?” He looked at me, “To most people, they think that it’s happiness, but to me of course. I know the true definition.” Wooyoung looked down. “I can never really understand why most people love temporary happiness.”

     My heart beat like before, I know exactly how he felt. 

     That day I avoided the thugs who would fight me every night thanks to Wooyoung. After that vulnerable incident, I grew more comfortable around his presence more. I ate with him, sat with him, even laughed with him. 

     I guess we got close because of music, because that’s all we ever talk about to top it all off with our issues. We had a good time together. 

     Not only that, he always covers his stories with that signature laugh of his, which naturally made me laugh too. 

     Jung Wooyoung was the first friend I opened up to in my 17 years of life. There was trust, there were boundaries, most importantly, there was respect. I’m brave enough to say that he was the first healthy relationship that I had. 

     From that day onwards, I followed him somewhere secluded. But when I laid my eyes upon a big, abandoned, warehouse, I only looked at him in confusion.

     “What’s this, Woo-ong?” I asked him. “Looks abandoned. Anyone inside?”

     “Don’t worry, Mingi, this is a safe place for people like us.”

     “People like us?”

     “Maybe if you hung out for a bit, you’ll understand what I mean.” He then grabbed my hand and led me to the entrance of the warehouse, but as soon as I spotted a familiar blonde inside from the window, I struggled out of Wooyoung’s grasp out of awkwardness.

     “Woo-ong, wait- on second thought what if I just visit tomorrow-”

     “Mingi, c’mon, stop being so friggin shy. I’m not friends with a bunch of killers-”

     “When you said you wanted to take me somewhere, I thought you meant a bar or some shit, not this…” 

     “Can ya just shut- hey Yeo! This is Song Mingi- hoi! C’mere!” Wooyoung retaliated against me. 

     That’s when he hit me against the shoulder and used up all his might to drag me inside. This dude’s hits were weak, but I gave up from his grasp and let him lead me inside. 

     That was my second encounter with Kang Yeosang, the richest kid in school. I only saved him once cause’ I recognized the classmate that once bullied someone into a coma for years. Wonder why he was still at school, (the sweet power of corruption, everybody. I could never understand the system, if a girl disobeys the dress code, they’d get expelled. Yet that bully still hangs around in school. I could never forgive them for that, it just didn't make sense.) If something ever happened to the most well-known child, none of us would hear the end of his parents, last thing I wanted were people like him up in my business, so I did him a favor and saved his ass. 

     His whole aura scared me, not because he looked the part or had any special, physical strengths, I was afraid of his reputation. I wouldn’t wanna do something that’d affect me. Besides, he’s one of the people that judged me solely based on my background, in fear that he’d do the same, I avoided him to the best of my abilities. 

     But this kid… wouldn’t leave me alone that night. Just like Wooyoung, he never gave up trying to get my attention. I couldn’t understand, Yeosang’s words were nothing like the adults… in fact, they were normal. 

     When he said that I’d have to get in the car, my heart almost dropped. I didn’t wanna get involved in his life, but now that Wooyoung wants me to, I had no choice. 

What he said in that car ride surprised me. 

     “You think I’d judge you because of your financial status?”

     I’d never heard that coming from someone before, all they said were menacing things about me, they’d always bring up anything but me. That was the problem with people like him, can we talk about anything other than my background? I could tell by the adult’s faces that they take pleasure in cherry-picking my life. But this kid, he only dropped the subject as he brought it up.

Was he really going to be different from the others?

     From that day on, he slowly became my friend, just like Wooyoung. After every school, he would pick me up and in his car and we would talk about just about anything. No more drama, no more fights, just a genuine conversation between two kids with big dreams.  

     I guess I was wrong about him, and a hypocrite. I judged him even if I didn’t know a thing about Yeosang. I guess that was on me now. He was genuinely the most giving child out of all of us. 

But there was something I couldn’t shake off from my chest. I know this is wrong, but I couldn’t help it. 

I was jealous of him.

     Jealous that he can get anything he wants with that amount of money, like I’ve said before, dreams were a luxury, he could definitely fulfil it someday. Mine was an impossible notion, so I didn’t even bother. 

     Today, he picked me up again per usual.

     “Sup’.” I greeted him as I closed the door behind me. 

     Yeosang greeted me with his charming smile. “Mingi!” and handed me his share of snacks sitting atop the car’s foldable table between us.  

     “Oh- It’s okay, I wouldn’t want to-” but only did I shut up with a chicken in my mouth that he shoved into. 

     “No buts, my treat. You deserve it.” He wiped his hands. 

     I couldn’t respond, so I simply chewed while listening to his daily rants about his parents. 

He said once that he got those bruises from fighting with someone, not that I believe him, those weren’t battle scars. I could recognize them but I wanted to respect his privacy so I stayed silent and appreciated his gift. 

     “Hey, uh. Yeosang? This isn’t the way to the hideout.” I pointed outside. “Yo, where’re you taking me?”

     “Don’t worry about that, I wanna show you something.” 

     That was not reassuring me one bit, his sinister smirk didn’t help. And what’s with my friends abducting me without my consent?

     That’s when his car entered a private village, and I could only guess that we were entering his property, because when I looked around, I couldn’t recognize the place. 

Instead of admiring his home, my heart beat with fear. “H-hey, what is this? I don’t belong here. Nor deserve to be here-”

     “Mingi, you’re my guest. You don’t have to be scared. I’m here.” and he took my hand in his. He knew. He goddamn knew…. I trust you so much Kang Yeosang. 

     Before I opened the door, he sprinted out and opened it for me. While smiling brightly, he took my hand and led me inside his giant home. 

     This guy…. Has a whole garden to himself, my home was no comparison to his shed garden. And looking upwards, his home was a fucking castle, I couldn’t have the time to admire when my friend opened the entrance door and told me to remove my shoes. Why was he so excited?

     “You’re sure I’m allowed to be here?” I cautiously asked my blonde friend. 

     “Of course. When I’m here, you’re a guest, remember?” He clarified. 

     I feel my shoulders untense itself when I heard those words. I was always treated as someone who messes things up so the adults didn’t trust me that much. But right now, it was just the two of us. 

Yeosang then led me to his room and opened the door before me and I couldn’t help myself gasping. His room was in no comparison to my living room. 

     “Make yourself at home, Mingi.” Yeosang said as he went into his private bathroom to change.

     I made sure I didn't stain anything while I was here, I simply took my time to look around, cautious not to touch anything. 

     Then my eyes landed on his study table, it was barely full of books but rather, a bunch of pink letters piled up at the side. It almost took half of his desk.

     I carefully hovered my hand over the papers to see that these letters were confession letters, from different schools.

     I frown, this guy has half of the school wrapped up in his finger, yet he still chooses to give rather than receive. He really is powerful.

     He has a veranda and a corner full of his awards and classical instruments. But as I looked closer, most of these instruments were full of dust, like he never bothered to touch them. I raised a brow, I thought he loved music. 

     “Mingi! Give me your shirt here and get an extra from my closet, I’m washing it.” He shouted from the bathroom.

     “No, it’s all good.” I clarified. 

     “Can I be honest?” He popped his head outside the door. “You look like a speck of dust. Just give em’ here.”

     If there was one thing about him, he never takes no for an answer whenever he offers something, I guess this IS his home, so out of respect, I did what he asked.

     When I took a good look at this borrowed shirt, I took a second to take in how good this shirt felt. I silently promised myself I wouldn’t dirty this up whenever I’ll have to give this back someday. 

     “Ah! Now that feels good! You relaxed there? Do you want the AC on?” He asked me as he listed what he needed to offer me, food, snacks, or even tea packs. But I refused all of them and asked him a question this time.

     “Hey, Yeo, what’s that over there?” I pointed at the pile of letters taking up his desk.

     “Oh… don’t worry about that… they’re all useless.” Yeosang looked away as he plopped on his bed and took his hands behind his back and sighed. 

     “ ‘Useless’? What do you mean?”

     “Well, I don’t engage in that sort of thing, that’s what I mean.”

     “Why wouldn’t you want to? You can get any girl you want. So why not date one of em’?” I genuinely asked. 

     Yeosang sat up and fiddled with his shirt. He looks stunning while doing the littlest things. “I don’t wanna just get with any girl…. Did you know that most of them only confessed to me based off of my face? My body?”

     He continued. “The way they sexualized me without me looking... I don’t think anyone with a rational mind would wanna date a girl like that.”

     “Ah….” 

     “I just want genuine feelings and respect. If a girl can’t view me as desirable at the same time as respectable, she’s not the right girl for me.”

     “Damn, rich boy, you’re surprisingly wise. I’m shocked.” I teased as he hit my shoulder. 

     “But seriously, one of them did that? That’s disgusting… I get what you mean, I wouldn’t want a random dude to have a body pillow of me. Goes to show that they don’t really respect me or my opinions. I get that, I get that.”

     “Hehe, you know that right? I’m glad. Besides, I pulled a restraining order against her so I'm safe.” He plopped back into his bed. “Just the idea of someone sexualizing me, a minor, of course I’d get angry.”

     I nodded in agreement. “You said you liked music, right?”

     He laughed, “What’s up with the constant questions, am I in a job interview?”

     I pushed him. “Idiot, I just wanna get to know you.”

     “Okay okay, hahaha!” Yeosang opened one eye open and looked at me. “Yeah, why?”

     I pointed to the untouched instruments at the corner of his room. “Then why don’t you play those?”

     “I love hip hop, Mingi, not classical music.” Yeosang firmly said. “Nothing wrong with classical music, it just doesn’t make my heart flutter.”

     “Then why do you play them?”

     “Like I have a choice.” I heard him whisper. But before I tried to ask him about that, he got up in excitement and looked out to the veranda. “The sun’s setting! Mingi, look!”

     And I did, hues of purple, yellow and pink covered the grey sky. “Mingi! Let’s go out! I love watching the sunset every time!” he got out of bed and left me there in his room as he opened the door and exited. 

     I paused for a moment before I got up and stepped out. I was experiencing what Yeosang has been living his whole life. As I brought out my phone and laid my eyes at the sun set, I breathed out a gasp of air. It was really beautiful, just an ocean of colors and comfortable silence. If I had this much money, I could be experiencing this warmth everyday.

     Yeosang sat down on a nearby bench and patted the seat next to him, inviting me to sit down. And I did.

     For the next few minutes, I knew I wouldn’t be experiencing this again, so I took my sweet time and just… watched the dancing colors with him. 

      Feeling sentimental, I fished out my earphones and brought both buds to my ears and chose a song. This time, it was me and myself for that moment. 

     But now I wasn’t alone anymore, because Yeosang took one of my earbuds and raised it to his ear. All my life, I had no one to share my music with. It was just me and the black void. But now I get to share my space with someone without taking away one of the other. Who knew that was possible, and somehow way much better. 

     Yeosang then took his arm and placed it behind the bench behind my back. “You got any parents?” He suddenly blurted out and broke the silence.

      “Doesn't feel like it.” I suddenly confessed. 

     My friend looked at me with concern. “What?”

     “They’re not around much. Worked their asses off for a single grain of rice. So it feels like I don’t have a family back at home to come to.” Since when was I able to say that out loud without difficulty? 

     “Oh, heh, the irony. My parents always invade my space all the time. Yet none of us are happy about the difference.”

     At that moment I finally knew what he meant by, “Like I have a choice.”

     I never knew what comfort meant until I met Kang Yeosang.

            Kim Hongjoong.

            Choi San.

            Jung Wooyoung.

            Park Seonghwa.

            Choi Jongho.

            And finally, Jeong Yunho.

            My safe place, not just in music anymore. 

            It somehow expanded when I met the boys and I’m not complaining. For a moment, my situation didn’t matter to me when I go up to that mic and just let it out. 

            When I dance, when I play, when I rap, when I just stand there at the hideout, everything else seems to fade away from my grasp. 

            That’s how it feels like.

      I grew to love this hideout and my new family ever since Wooyoung brought me to that place that day. Per usual, Yeosang would always pick me up after every school to our place, and there, our dreams shifted into one. 

     I’ve always wanted a home to come back to, so after 17 years, do I deserve their smiles? I don’t know. I’m not going to let this slip from my grasp like my parents did. I deserve this, I do. 

     So I’d promise myself that I would always share my earbud with another person.

     This was the happiest I’ve ever been, but as this cycle continued, I took a great step back to look at my friends, my brothers in front of me. 

     It’s like they’ve always been steps ahead of me, they always took the pace I couldn’t chase. And yet, I’m still standing here in the same spot as 17 years ago.

     Was I jealous?

     Why do you need to be jealous of your friends? 

     Isn’t this wrong? 

     “-ngi.” I open my eyes to see Jongho take an earbud from my ear. “Tch. Don’t stare at me with those eyes, I’ve been calling you since forever.” Jongho snarked as he brought the earbud to his own ears, sharing our music together. 

     “Sorry, man… Got lost somewhere.”

     “Well… we’ve all been there.” He says as I take note of his broken left leg. “What’s been keeping you? You’re never even here anymore. Every time we hang, I always see you at the back or in the corner all the time with both earbuds on. You got something you need to talk about?” 

     I reassuringly nudged his shoulder. “Nah, ‘m good as always.”

     “I never believe those words.” Jongho closed his eyes and sighed. “People never mean that. Anyways, if you can’t tell me then. Just know I’m here I guess.” the maknae said. 

     The only person who tolerated my bullshit, was Choi Jongho.

     “I’ll tell you when the time’s right. I feel stuffy right now.”

     “Ah… okay then. Well, if you’ve got nothin’ to do, why not help bring me there to the basketball court?” Jongho asked me.

     “Oh-sure. C’mere.” I took off the earphones and fished it back to my pocket as I took Jongho by the arms and led him to the court where he asked me to. 

     “Jongho- I really wonder how much you love basketball. I mean, you can’t even play it anymore, yet you still hold on to the littlest things related to it. Haven’t you given up already?” I curiously asked the younger.

     His only response was a mere chuckle. “There's nothing wrong with my arms, so might as well use it right?” He carefully placed his crutches on the ground. “Can you pass me the ball, bro?” 

     I walked towards it and picked it up. “But… you wanted to go to nationals right? It was like,” I gestured my hands randomly. “like- like what basketball is to you with music is to me.” I toss the ball to him. “I just don’t understand how it’s not affecting you right now.”

     He caught the ball with his fast reflexes before staring eagerly at me. “Obviously it’s been affecting me. What made you think I was all dandy when I figured out I couldn’t do the one thing that made me happy anymore?”

     “Huh? Well- gah.” I breathed out. “But- it’s your life man, that injury took that away from you, and you’re still happy. How does that add up?”

     Jongho broke our gaze as he dribbled the ball. “It’s not that simple, hyung.” raised his arms and readied his stance. “It took me time to move on.” He paused, “But eventually,” and shot it. “I’ve made peace with it because I met you.”

     Silence was what followed, same as the dribbling ball across the court. 

     Jongho flipped his hair sideways and faced me. “Figured out that there are other things that made me happy, not just basketball.” And that’s when I saw that gummy smile. “Did I make sense? Do I need to spell it out for you more?”

     I couldn’t answer. All I did was get the ball back again and tossed it to him one more time. “Thanks- You know, Mingi.” 

     I look up. 

     “Maybe I could have won nationals if I hadn’t had this disease, right? But the thing is,” raised his arm to ready his stance. “what if I didn’t want that anymore? What if music was my thing now?” shot the ball. 

     Dribble,

     Dribble,

     Dribble.

     “Life goes on, man. We aren’t destined on one path. Haha- another goal. Yes!” He laughed freely. 

     “Life goes on.” I repeated. 

     How could a boy, way younger than me, know all the things that I didn’t know? It was a puzzle to me.     He’s… he’s…

     He’s so much better than me. All of them were so much better than me. 

     I recalled my hyung, an adult who sacrificed his job to hang out with us. 

     I recalled Yunho, a boy who still visits his brother. 

     I recalled Wooyoung, a boy who doesn’t have stage fright anymore. 

     I recalled my hyung, an adult who finally found a family. 

     I recalled San, a boy who’s resolution was to stay.

     I recalled Yeosang, who’s as free as a dove, and- Jongho. 

     A boy who moved on.

     Yet here I am, still standing at the same place, my feet dug deep into the ground, unable to move an inch. 

     …

     …

     …

     … 

     “Mingi? Mingi! Mingi don’t leave- wait-!” Jongho panicked as he attempted to get his crutches and catch up to a running boy. 

     “Hey! Wait up-!” I guess he walked too fast as I heard a painful grunt as well as a loud thump on the ground. 

     “AH!”

     But I chose to ignore it and kept running. I’m sorry, Jongho. You don’t deserve me. None of you do. 

     Music was my haven, my escape, my one and only relief. When I felt like dying, I would listen to music. I wasn’t afraid of death! People who never lived in poverty would never understand this feeling.

     Especially Yeosang, of course none of them ever understood my situation. All of them were stable enough to get a grain of rice on their plate. 

     While I needed to do dirty things just to get a speck of food in my stomach. 

     I finally understood why I was still in the same place as before. I didn’t have enough money for it. 

     “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” 

     It actually does…

     If you needed therapy, that required money. If you needed food, it required money. If you needed a home, it required money. Everything required money, so I don’t understand that at all. 

     Once again, walking into the hideout, I enter with the same expression on my face as before. Per usual, they greeted me with such warmth and openness, but I didn’t greet them back. 

     I’m sure they know how off I was the past few months. But none of them bothered to ask how I was. 

     Only Jongho was the person who hesitated to greet me, I can understand, I left him there all alone. I’d be mad at myself too. 

     “H-hey…” The younger hesitated. 

     “...”

     “Did… you get home safely?” He asked kindly. 

     “...”

     “Erhm…” Jongho suddenly nudged my shoulder to get my attention. “Did I do something to upset you, somehow?”

     I felt my rage pent up inside me as I pushed his hand away aggressively and stood up. Jongho flinched as he scooted away from me a bit. I was so damn tired of them asking me how I was all the goddamn time. 

     “Can you stop that for once.” I glared at him.

     “S-stop what…?” Jongho stuttered. I’ve seen that scared look before. I felt my heartbeat rise an alarming amount. I recognize that look all too well. All those children who only took one glance at my face and decided that I was going to hurt them immediately.

     “Stop. It.”

     “M-Mingi- what are you talking about-?”

     “Do you pity me?” I ask Jongho.

     “Huh?” His almond shaped eyes widened.

     “Do you all pity me that much that I’m worthy of being pampered up by all of you? Am I?” I clenched my fists.  

     “Mingi,” Jongho stands up to my height, trying to calm me down. “What are you even saying, right now? Do you need something-?”

     “STOP ASKING ME IF I NEED SOMETHING!” I screamed at Jongho. 

     The members in the hideout all stopped what they were doing and finally laid their eyes on me. 

     Jongho stood there, a mix of confusion and concern upon his face. I was just tired.

     “Can you-? Stop asking how I’m doing all the damn time like you’re my parents?” I screamed at the top of my lungs, specifically at Jongho.

     “I- Do you really pity me that you feel the need to always pamper me with materials I don’t have?!”

     “Do you all really think I need your help all the damn time?”

     I turned my broken eyes to Jongho- “Do you?”

     But his only response was complete silence, I can feel the great tension I’ve created in this room. 

     “Mingi… all this time… you really thought I took pity on you?” He finally tried to tense up his shoulders to match mine. “All this time, do you still see me as a friend?”

     I couldn’t answer that.

     “Mingi?”

     I just couldn’t.

     “Answer me!” He matched my tone. 

     “No.”

     Right there, I said it. 

     “What…?” Jongho whispered.

     “No,” I repeated.

     “I- I don’t understand.” 

     “Of course you don’t. You never lived in poverty. Nothing ever goes your way when you don’t have anything in your life, isn’t that right?”

     “What do you mean?”

     “You keep holding on to your ‘hobby’ as if you can actually go to Nationals.” I pointed at his leg. “With that disease? Impossible.”

     Hongjoong then put a hand on my shoulder. “Mingi, I think that’s enough.”

     I pushed his hand away aggressively. “Shut up, orphan.”

     “Mingi.” Seonghwa pushed his papers away and said firmly. “That’s too far.”

     “I don’t think you could understand what that is, Seonghwa, since your depression can’t really make you think straight.”

     All I could see in front of me were faces of complete fear and disappointed faces. I was used to this.

     “What... did you just say.” Jongho taunted as he firmly held my collar. “What’s gotten into you.”

     “Heh, you really think I came here to hangout again?” I said, with no expression. “I came here to tell it to you straight in your face that our time together was useless-”

     I guess my guilt took it too far, as I felt a sharp punch on my face, Jongho didn’t even take a second to let me finish. 

     But I didn’t block.

     I didn’t fight back.

     I didn’t catch his hand mid-way. 

     I let it happen, it was bound to happen. 

     I guess he knew that too, when I fell on the ground, I could hear the kids begging Jongho to stop. Some of them even held Jongho back from me, but it was no use, he was physically stronger than them. 

     “You- ASSHOLE!” Jongho fought back against Yeosang’s grasp. “Let me go, Yeosang!”

     “Jongho! Jongho! Stop! Wait a minute- please-” San stepped between us as he tried to calm the maknae down. 

     And there I was, plopped on the ground with a new scar. I raised my hand and hovered over my bruise, I couldn’t believe this was the first one in months. 

     I saw that punch coming, but I staggered to even carry myself up. “Jongho-” 

     “You fucker! Take that back! I fucking dare you! You ungrateful leach!” Jongho screamed at the top of his lungs as Yeosang tried with all his might to stop him from hurting me more. 

     From the corner of my ears, I could hear my childhood best friend sobbing quietly, repeating the same words.

     “Make it stop… make it stop… make it stop… please… please…. just stop- Hah- hah- hah- hah-”  Wooyoung said in between breaths. I could see tears forming in his eyes as he tried to calm himself down from his panic attack.

     But once I took another step back to look at what was in front of me, I stood there in guilt-

     “Ah-!” Yeosang exclaimed as Jongho slapped him with his elbow, breaking free from his grasp at last.

     “Yeosang!” Yunho approached him quickly.

     “C’mere.” Jongho taunted as he grabbed my collar again and slammed me against the wall. “You motherfucker- did you really mean that.”

     “Jongho- LET HIM GO-!” One of the hyungs exclaimed.

     “SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I’LL KILL THIS BITCH WITH MY BARE HANDS!” 

     “Hah-hah-hah-hah-” Wooyoung’s endless breath covered the silence.

     And Jongho faced me and looked straight into my eyes. “You really, didn’t see me as your brother?” He said softly this time, no more shouting, no more violence, just pure curiosity.

     But I repeated myself once more. “No.”

     Jongho then carried my weight and slammed me against the floor, this time with so much force. 

     I grunted as he put his weight on top of me, completely blocking every movement I tried to make. This gave me a chance to take one good look at Jongho’s eyes and stopped myself thinking for a second. His eyes were more lively than the eyes I saw before I met him, dull, bored, and lifeless. But now, I could see pure anger. 

     “Even the time in the court?” He asked again.

     But I repeated myself, and I meant it. “No.”

     “Even when I saved you and even put bandages on your scars that night?”

     Again, “No.”

     “This whole time?” Jongho choked out. “This whole time? You didn’t feel anything?”

     I changed my answer and meant the word. “Yes.”

     Another silence  followed.

     All my other friends watched us both on the ground with horror. Not a single soul tried to interrupt Jongho’s tears falling on my face. 

     Not ever did I ever see Jongho this way. Anger, sadness, something. But here, I get to see it in front of me clearly. 

     “Funny how I felt the opposite.” And that’s when Jongho got up from me and ran out of the hideout. 

     “Jongho-! Wait! Ugh.” Hongjoong said in distress as he stopped by the door and looked at Seonghwa. “Seonghwa, take care of him, I’ll go find Jongho.” and bolted after him.

     Seonghwa nodded as he watched Hongjoong leave. 

     I didn’t know how long I laid there on the ground, trying to wipe Jongho’s tears off my face, but I didn’t have the balls to do it. 

     I always thought I finally did what I needed to do. But now, I’m not so sure anymore. My heart stopped beating the moment Jongho punched me on the face. And I was back to square one. On the floor, I felt scared, afraid even. I just let it slip from my grasp again, the one thing that I was fearing of happening, and I played right into my trauma. 

     Again. 

     I wondered if I had the right to dream, a boy like me? Will it not be taken away from me again?

     But I didn’t even bother to answer when I finally had the strength to get up from my feet and stare at those familiar scrutinizing eyes. Heh, it really reminded me of mine all too well. 

     I could hear Yeosang whisper when I put both of my earbuds on both of my ears: 

     “No… no. Mingi, don’t. No!”

     And walked out of the hideout with a boy running after me. 

     I could hear faint screams from my ears:

     “Mingi!”

     “Stop!”

     “Wait a minute!”

     “Hey-!” Yeosang took off my earphones one last time- but this time I fought back and pushed him too hard, resulting with his head and back getting hit firmly on the concrete wall as he plopped on the grass in pain.

     “AH!” He exclaimed in pain as he coughed out blood, the same happened to his head. 

     I took a moment to realize what I’ve done, but it was inevitable. I didn’t bother to ask if he was fine and continued walking. 

     “STAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” Yeosang demanded as I finally stopped in my tracks and obeyed this time. 

     This was the first time Yeosang demanded something from me. All that came from his mouth was either a question for consent or something I wanted or needed. So of course I was shocked. 

     Yeosang tried to pick himself up from the ground, but thanks to his fragile body, pain only held him back. 

     “Puff….huff… What the fuck’s wrong with you right now.” He gasped in between breaths as he questioned me.

     “Nothing’s wrong with me,” I said with no expression.
            “Of course the fuck there is,” He coughed as he tried to form the words from his mouth. He was badly injured, he even held his stomach tightly. “Did you really mean what you said back there?”

     “Yes, are we done?” I dismissed as I turned my back once more-

     “I said stay.” He threatened.

     That was the first time I felt fear from Yeosang. All this time, I always saw him as soft and fragile. But now, he has me wrapped around his finger, how?

     “Why the hell did you just say that to them? Are you crazy?”

     “You wouldn’t understand.”

     “Then make me understand? That’s always the problem with you! You couldn’t even attempt to explain a single thing to us! And when we do ask you, you brush us off!” He grunted. “I guess you really didn’t treat us as your friends, huh? The second we take our eyes off of you, you fucking expect us to know every single problem you have? Are you serious right now?”

     He continued. “We’ve done our part trying to be a friend to you, don’t you think it’s about fucking time you repay us?”

     I felt my anger rise once more. But no matter what, I won’t hurt him, I won’t.

     “I don’t owe you a goddamn thing.”

     His expression turned cautious. “Th-that’s not what I meant-”

     “Well,” I scoffed. “I guess you don’t need payback, right? Cause you’ve already got everything.”

     I spread my arms wide. “And that’s what pisses me off, Yeosang. You had a chance to have a great life, yet here you are! Hanging out with me!”

     He paused. “You have no idea what goes on in my life, don’t you dare make assumptions.”

     “I’m not, okay? Just stating the obvious here, you could have had a chance to pursue music. But it pisses me off that you haven’t done that yet, considering that you had a chance with your parent’s black card.”

     And that’s when he weakly pushed me backwards. “ARGH! DID YOU EVEN KNOW I’M BEING ABUSED?! DID YOU?!”

     I stopped talking and stared at Yeosang. 

     “Every night,” Yeosang unbuttoned his shirt to show his neck. “I get hit somewhere, in my body. For disobeying or simply talking back.” 

     I could see deep, purple bruises on his neck. 

     Yeosang folded his sleeves up. “Every morning, I get hit. For having an opinion.” He sniffed as he showed me scars of purple. 

     All over both his arms, on his stomach, on his ankle, but never on his face.

     “Then again, I guess I’m happy cause’ I have a pretty house.” Yeosang choked as he tried to hold back tears from falling. “I guess you really saw me as a green card all along. Didn’t even try to ask.”

     I felt my body go limp as Yeosang buttoned his shirt once more. “Everyone knew about this, except you.” 

     Yeosang wiped his face as he said his last words to me:

     “You didn’t even realize that I was always beside you. But you only looked behind. All the time. I guess you really saw us as an obstacle.” He limped his way back to the hideout. “Bye, I guess.”

            My only regret was not chasing them when I was the reason all of them ran away from me in the first place. I turn away from the hideout, with brimming tears, I put both of my earbuds on my ears and kept walking, this was the first time that I did run forward.

Wooyoung's Choice

-

-

My mind has completely gone blank. Who am I? Where am I? I want to run away?

Will I fail again? When I was practicing and dancing alone, I was pretty confident! My practice video on social media had reached over 100,000 views. Many people contacted me and even big entertainment agencies offered me to audition for them. But once I felt their looks toward me, I just couldn’t move. I closed my eyes trying to escape, and then Seonghwa’s voice popped in my head. 

“Wooyoung, before you start performing on stage, remember these three things! 

“Everything will be okay!”

“Believe in yourself!”

“You can do it!”

“He will be too nervous to remember THREE things! What kind of psychology book did you read?”

“Yunho, are you making fun of Seonghwa again? But hey Wooyoung, believing in you is the key.” Hongjoong is always good at putting everything into perspective.

A smile crept in my face. I felt their presence even though they were nowhere to be seen. I felt the energy back on my feet.

I had a habit of constantly chatting to overcome stage fright and I practiced laughing to hide my shyness. It was a defence mechanism of mine to focus. I didn’t care even when others made fun of it.But that only lasts for a minute, once I became aware of their scrutinizing eyes, my body just froze. 

The first time I met Hongjoong, Seonghwa and Yunho were at the street performance. I could see that they had something I didn’t have: Expressiveness beyond dance techniques and showmanship that captivated the audience. When I danced with them, I wasn’t self-conscious and was able to deliver my best performances. 

My legs are tense. The first step, the step that I was never able to do, the chain that was tying my body, was magically released. 

It's Different This Time

-

-

            I can see their eyes watching my every move…

            I can see their faces look toward my direction…

            I can see them anticipating what I was going to do next. 

        But no matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t deliver what they expected of me. Nothing. In return of their encouraging words, all I gave back was dust. 

            And that was my biggest regret. 

         My legs and arms stopped moving, my mind in a complete void of emptiness, and my heart beat faster than normal, it felt like chains attempting to block every potential I have, and I couldn’t break them. So I’m sorry I couldn’t do my best today. 

           As I left the agency building, I scolded myself silently while trying to return my normal heart rate. I bet I didn’t pass the audition because I didn’t try hard enough. Oh well, this was the 6th audition, it was predictable. 

            I walked back to the route that I would normally go to from my house. I silently cursed, I would be coming home empty handed again despite my family praising and encouraging me everyday. I frown in guilt, someday I’ll have to repay them. It was just. 

            “ARGH!” I stopped walking and screamed in frustration. “When will it be my time…?” I silently questioned myself. In all honesty, I was growing impatient with my anxiety. Before, I would always pity myself for having it, but now it’s getting on my nerves. 

            I turn to my left to hear a familiar beat from a few meters away from me. The sun was setting, so the yellow shadows danced with the three boys I laid my eyes upon. 

            “Huh?” I said, turning my full attention to the trio. As I stayed there, mesmerized by their movements, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t help admiring their presence. 

            They were dancing perfectly to every beat the speaker put out, every movement was crisp. 

            I’ve been dancing for years, yet I still lacked what the three of them had. 

            Freedom

            Expression. 

            And most importantly, stage presence. 

            When you see them dancing for themselves, you just couldn’t help watching in admiration, it was incredible! I could tell that they didn’t care that people were staring, and that’s why I was captivated in the first place. 

            I guess I wasn’t too discrete, when one of them made eye contact with me. My heart stopped for a moment out of awkwardness as I attempted to hide behind a nearby tree, in hopes that he didn’t notice. 

            A few seconds went by and I figured he didn’t catch me, but when I looked back, the adult who made eye contact with me suddenly appeared right there in front of me, my heart dropped. 

            “Hey,” the adult greeted me. “You okay there?” 

            I shyly stuttered. “Huh?! Oh uhm-”

            “You were watching us for a while, what’s up with that?” He suddenly asked.

            I tried to compose myself while confronting him. “I mean- hehe. I didn’t mean to stare, that was a bit rude, was it?”

            The adult gave me a reassuring small smile, “Not at all.”

            “Huh? Oh well- heh. You looked so good out there while dancing, I even stopped and watched for a while!”

            “Oh~ was that it? Hehe, it’s an honor to be complimented by someone. Thank you so much.” He said with charm.

            “Well! You deserve it! I wished I could dance like that just now! Words can’t even express how good you guys looked!” I excitedly clenched my fists on my chest. 

            I guess my compliment took him by surprise, when the adult suddenly looked shy. “Oh- th-thank you so much… you said you dance as well?”

            “I do! Ever since I was little!”

            The adult laughed at me endearingly. “Seonghwa! What’re you doing there!” One of the dancers called out to the person in front of me. 

            “Just a minute!” He shouted back and turned to me. “Right, I’m Park Seonghwa.” Seonghwa reached out his hand openly towards me. “You?”

            “Jung Wooyoung, sir.” I greeted him back as I took his hand and shook it. I couldn’t believe I was talking to him now, a cool person, nonetheless!

            “Wanna dance with us for a bit and show us what you’ve got?” He smirked. 

           My excitement soared through the roof, of course I wanted to. Anything related to dancing always gets me fired up, plus, I needed a distraction.

            I ran with Seonghwa to the other two dancers that I saw. An adult with light blue hair, piercings all over his ears, as well as aesthetic accessories. Another kid my age who’s meters way taller than me, blonde colored hair, as well as a welcoming aura. 

            They both questioned Seonghwa why he'd brought a kid here randomly, and hyung explained what had just happened between us. 

            I looked at the trio in admiration, ready to bombard them with questions on how they danced like that just now. 

            Surprisingly, the three of them were kind enough to let me watch one more time, and as expected, they were amazing. 

            As soon as they finished their dance, they looked at me. But all I could do was clap and shower them with more compliments, and I said them with genuine respect. 

            “Well, kid, you got what it takes to beat us?” Hongjoong jokes. 

            But my heart dropped as soon as I heard that, there was no way I could do that. Not in front of them, I would get a panic attack. 

            “I-... I don’t think I could do that- I’m not that good-” I protested, but none of them listened to me, they were too excited to the point where they accidentally pressured me.

            Yunho pulled me up, “C’mon, you said you were a dancer! Show us what you got!” 

            “I- I don’t think I c-can-” my heart started to beat faster, oh no. 

            I couldn’t stop them as Seonghwa already played the music from the speakers. As if on cue, I couldn’t move a single muscle on my body, the chain that naturally attached to my limbs felt itself tighten. 

            It was my turn to dance, but as the music kept playing, my body shook. My eyes started to water, and my heart beat at an alarming rate. I felt light, my chest tightened itself, and I couldn’t feel anything other than my breathing. 

            The three of them stopped moving from shock, careful to not trigger anything, Seonghwa stopped the music from playing any further. 

            “H-hey… you okay there?!” Yunho asked cautiously. 

       “I…” I couldn’t even form the words when tears suddenly fell on my cheeks. This was so embarrassing… I tried to warn them. 

            I beat my chest with my fist to stop it from beating faster any minute. Not in front of them, no. Please.

            But Hongjoong approached me. “H-hey, we’re sorry for pressuring you. Here,” hyung handed me a tissue to wipe myself. “We shouldn’t have done that to you, kid. Sorry.”

            “Hah- it’s okay, really. God,” I took the tissue from his hands and wiped my cheeks. “That was so embarrassing, what the hell…”

            “No it wasn’t, we pressured you, I guess it took a toll on you. So we’re sorry.” Hongjoong softly put a hand on my shoulder. 

            I couldn’t believe how patient they were, their kindness made me feel guilty to repay them. 

            “How about this,” Yunho stepped forward. “You’ll dance with us instead? So that we’ll share all the attention? How does that sound, Wooyoung?” 

            I sniffed and looked up at him. “Y-yeah, sure… that’d be better.” 

            His face lit up. “Okay then!”

            As soon as the music started, I recognized the song, it’s structure, genre, and beat. I guess the others knew it too, because from there, we freestyled till’ our heart's content. 

            As the song went on, I hadn’t realized that I wasn’t breathing hard anymore, not from fear but from excitement. I laughed out loudly, and the three laughed along too. I guess I was too distracted to take all the attention from myself, it was more fun this way, I thought. 

            Yeah… it’s more fun this way.

            As the music stopped, I heard loud clapping and cheering beside me, I spun to see that we accidentally took an audience. I froze, the others took my hands and bowed. The moment I realized what just happened, I followed. 

            “Wooh!”

            “That was dope!”
            “Wah… that was so good.” 

            I heard them shout at me. I shyly smiled while bowing, grateful for their cheers. I looked at the others who were just dancing with me and bashfully tried to hide myself behind Yunho’s tall body.

            While the crowd dispersed from our sight, I held my chest, trying to calm itself down. It was the good kind of jitter and I preferred this instead. 

            “All eyes were on you, Wooyoung.” Seonghwa said to me. 

            “Wh-what do you mean? You guys were great too.” I said.

            Hyung simply laughed at me. “You were the only one dancing for them, of course they clapped for you only.”

            My eyes widened. “What?”

            Hongjoong patted my back. “We stopped dancing with you as soon as you were lost in yourself. You just didn’t notice, but we were part of the crowd as well. You did great, Wooyoung.” 

            “Wh-what-” I stuttered. “That means I was dancing alone? For the first time?” Oh god. What if I didn’t look great? What if someone spotted my mistakes? What if my facial expressions were cringy? I sort of smelled bad, and I was sweaty from that, what would they think of me-

            “Wooyoung.” Yunho lightly shook me. “You did well.”

            I looked up, faced him and smiled. “Hehe, you too.”

            “Hyung! Hyung! Hyung!” My little brother called out to me, his little arms reaching out. “Hyung! Look!” Kyungmin shouted at my ear.

            “Ah- what is it?” I said in annoyance. “My ears….”

            “Hyung look here! Is this you?” I bent down to his height to see the tablet from his tiny hands, upon seeing the contents, my heart beat. 

            “Wh-” I questioned as I took the tablet from my little brother’s hands and stared. On Twitter and YouTube, I saw a video worth a hundred thousand views on it, as I took in the familiarity of it, I realized that it was me. 

     One of the people in the crowds took a video without me knowing, and as I watched further, I noticed that I was in fact, alone. Dancing like what I dreamt of dancing like. I didn’t even take in the view count, I only watched it repeatedly to see how many mistakes I’ve made. But, there were none. 

“Hyung…” my brother pleaded. “You looked so cool.”

     I laughed at him and ruffled his black hair. “Your hyung’s cool, no?” I chuckled, but no matter how many times I’ve seen that video, I couldn’t believe that it’s blown up. People I don’t know started recognizing me everywhere. I couldn’t help getting bashful from all the compliments I would get in school and from outside. They would even approach me and ask me to teach them some moves!

         But I kept my stance, I wouldn’t have blown up if it weren’t for the three guys that helped me that day. They were the reason why I was able to do my best, and thanks to my coping mechanism whenever I felt anxious, I met the gang again by accident as well!

       They were all the same as me! I couldn’t believe that my solution gave me my fever, it was a miracle to say the least. 

     “Mingi!” I called out to the tall delinquent who’s busy in his own world, literally. “Mingiiiiiiii!” I called out once more.

     “....” He was too busy listening to music, both earbuds intact. 

     I raised my hand and took one off as Mingi flinched. He didn’t greet me but instead growled in annoyance. 

     “Can people stop doing that….” 

     I raised a brow. “People? You have friends?”

     “...” He continued. “I’m leaving.”

     “N-no! Wait! My mom made some food for the both of us! Wouldn’t you like that, please?” I pleaded. 

     My soon-to-be-best-friend only looked at me with pity and he simply sighed. “No matter how hard I try to avoid you, you’ll never leave me alone, huh?”

     I nodded excitedly. “Yep.”

     Mingi thought about it for a moment before turning to me and taking the second lunchbox from my grasp. “Just don’t talk to me the entire time, okay.” 

     I sat down next to him on the bench and smiled. “That’s not a guarantee, hehe.”

     He didn’t reply, instead he put up his earphones up to his ears again and ignored me. 

     Song Mingi was cool, but I could never understand why people don’t like him. I tried to think about it deeply one day, but I was at a dead end. He’s strong, tall, brave and heroic. Eh, people are just weird. 

     My classmates always wonder why I always hang out with a guy like him, and I always reply with:

     “Because I want to.”

     There wasn’t a reason why I kept bothering him throughout our childhood. When I first met him, he was really cool. I couldn’t resist trying to befriend him! So why do people hate him?

     Besides, he can rap and dance pretty well, what’s not to love about him? He even loves music just like me! We were meant to be best friends!

     Mingi swallowed his last bit of food and set the lunchbox down. “Hah….. okay, I’m leaving. Thanks.”

     I stopped mid-rant and looked at him stand up. “No! Wait! I haven’t finished my stories yet-!” As I tried to stand up and catch him.

     Mingi’s face only scrunched in annoyance. “Jung Wooyoung, leave me alone.” 

     “You could never really hurt me willingly, that threat isn’t scary to me anymore.” I said coyly.

     “Let my hand go. I beat up guys, I suggest staying away from me if you wanna keep that pretty face of yours intact.”

     “I’m pretty sure you had a reason.”

     That’s what got his attention as he removed his earphones to face me. “And that’s your business, how?”

     I was used to his taunts, mostly because he never did live up to them. He never laid a single finger on a hair. This delinquent’s a softie at best.

     “It’s not! I’m just trying to hang out with you. Is it that hard?”

     “It is, leave me alone.” He said as he raised his earbuds again and walked away. 

     I only stood there and frowned. No progress whatsoever with our friendship. At least we spent 15 minutes together… without him talking to me. 

     Oh well. 

     I picked up his lunchbox as well as mine and put them back inside my backpack. Tomorrow, I’m going to annoy him more, then finally he’ll give in and be friends with me! 

     I hummed my way back to my classroom where an alleyway was up ahead. Mingi usually hides from me behind the school buildings, but it’s an easy spot to find, so I don’t know why he’s always so surprised whenever I find him.

            “Hey, kid.” I heard a highschooler call out to me from the ends of the alleyway. “Hehe, nice backpack ya got there.”

            “H-huh…?” I stuttered.

            He tilted his head towards my bag. “Ya got any food there. Or even better, money?”

            I had none of those things. “N-no.”

            The tall, brawly man approached me. “Then what did you give to Song Mingi back there? You’re not lyin’, are ya?”

            I gulped, he was completely blocking the way to the exit, I had nothing on me except my books. I don’t think I can bribe him with that. 

            I gripped my bag tightly as my heart beat ran fast. This wasn’t the familiar anxiety anymore, this was fear. 

            Maybe if I run fast enough, he won’t catch me…?

            It’s almost time for the next class, will my classmates notice me gone and come find me?

            All I knew is that I was no match to this guy. I was VERY small compared to him, and I don’t know how to fight.

            I held my breath as I made a run for it, but not to my surprise, the bully held my collar and slammed me against the ground. 

            “AAAHH!” I screamed in pain, I wasn’t used to this sort of impact, I felt my chest tighten itself from the crash. Damn. 

            All I gotta do now is to hold on until he’ll stop being interested in me. 

            The guy chuckled as he tried to grab my backpack away from me, with all the strength I had left, I could only endure this until he stopped. 

            “Tch, is it that hard to give me somethin’? Save your pretty face and just give me the damn bag- AH-!” He suddenly screamed as I heard a punch. I didn’t know who hit who, so I tried opening my eyes to see Song Mingi locking his neck with his arms. I thought he left already.

            “TCH!” The guy broke against his grasp as he walked a few feet away from us. “Song Mingi, you fucker.”

            “Leave the poor kid alone, what’s he got against you.” Mingi taunted. 

            The bully only laughed. “Meeting the infamous delinquent, this is my lucky day ain’t it.” 

            The guy then swung at Mingi with a roar, but Mingi dodged sideways as he grabbed the back of his collar and slammed him against the wall, resulting in him grunting. 

            “ACK!” He screamed in pain.

            “Damn… couldn’t even put up a fight. What a waste of time…” Mingi then approached me and carefully hovered against my back. “Your back okay there?”

            “...Mingi- watch out..” I mustered out. 

            The bully roared as he attempted to swing at Mingi yet again- but he only dodged and punched his stomach in return. I winced in pain, I heard AND felt that. I could hear something break as the brawny kid only plopped onto the ground and stopped fighting back.

“Damn annoying…” Mingi turned to me once again. “Can you walk?”

No. I can’t even move or speak. 

“Nghn-” was all I could speak out. 

     “Hah… okay, up you go.” He said gently as he swung my arm over his shoulder and helped me up. “I’ll bring you to the nurse’s office, that’ll exempt you from class, don’t worry.”

     “Hng….” Godamnit, my back was bruising so badly that my chest was tightening even more, it felt like fire. “Tell… the teachers….”

     “Tch, they won’t help. Let me carry you, you sound like a dying monkey.” Mingi then offered his back to me without effort. I couldn’t even protest from the sheer pain from my spine as he tirelessly piggy-backed me. “The school won’t bat a fucking eye from physical and sexual abuse here, so no point in reporting shit to anyone.”

     He continued. “Just wear a bra and they’ll go feral immediately. They don’t care about you. Trust me on this.”

     He huffed. “In this world full of adults, all you have is yourself. So hold on for a lil’ while, yeah? And stop being dependent on them.”

     “Hm…” I could only respond in small noises. I actually know all of that. I just needed to speak about something. 

     “Miss, a boy’s sick. Let ‘im rest here for a day.” Mingi said as he carefully placed my head on the pillow.

     The nurse only looked at me with an upset expression. “He doesn’t look sick.”

     “Illnesses aren’t all physical and visible, I thought you were a nurse who knew better.” Mingi said in annoyance.

     “Mingi… no.” I firmly called out.

     The tall delinquent only looked at me with pity, then looked away. “Tch. Useless.”

     The nurse couldn’t speak as she just stood there, dumbfounded by his sudden outburst.

     “Just take care of him. I’m not coming back.” 

     And he was true to his word this time. 

            It only took a day for me to recover, but my back was filled with bruises. When my parents found out about it, they were furious. Especially my brothers. 

            I smiled in endearment. My family loved me so much that they didn’t stop till’ he spoke with the parents of the bully. And from that day, he never bothered me again. 

            I don’t think it was because of his parents finding out, I think it was because Song Mingi beat him up that day. But nonetheless, I was safe again. 

            As school ended per usual, I walked to my home and thought about what my friend said that day. 

            “They don’t care about you.”

             Huh…. as a child, I never really thought about it that way. Maybe I was too privileged enough to have lovable parents that I didn’t take the time to realize how different our worlds are, Mingi. 

            I was so used to physical and emotional attention that my childhood was perfect. My mom, my dad, my older brother, my little brother. I loved all of them, and they do too. We would do anything for each other because we were family. 

            I guess when you’re already good enough, you start to pay attention to what’s good in your life, and realize how others don’t have that. And it fires back on you when you start to assume that what you experience isn’t the same as everyone’s. In fact… worse. 

            I guess that made me confused and upset because now I’ve gotten a glimpse of Mingi’s life and I couldn’t take that. So how hard is it to live as Song Mingi?

            I was genuinely stuffy and in distress, so I turned to music to distract myself. I found a quiet corner I miraculously found on my way home and decided that this was perfect. 

            “Hmm…” I hummed as I looked up. The stars were so dim that I almost couldn’t see them. It was strange, it was always visible every night, but now I almost couldn’t witness it again. 

            I sighed and put down my bag. Picking up my phone, I pressed “shuffle”, and felt a random song move my limbs. I figured, if I freestyle like this, I would forget that day. 

            …

            …

            …       

            ....

            This was the first time I felt free in my entire life. No more audience, just me and the beat, together. 

            I panted with excitement, I missed this feeling. 

            “Woah…” I freeze at a sudden voice coming from behind the wall. 

            I turn around. “Huh-?! Wh-who’s there?!” I desperately tried to find the voice until I saw a familiar grey-haired behind a cement wall. “Mingi?!” 

            He stepped out and apologized. “Did I bother you? Sorry for interrupting just now…”

            “You saw all of that?!” 

            “Yeah…”

            “Wh- how long did you watch there!?”

            “Man, you weren’t that bad-”

     But I couldn’t hear him. My heart sped up and so did my head. I tried panting, but that’s gotten worse as I felt my head go light. I was practically sweating, I felt tears fall against my cheeks. Ah, shit.

     “Hah...hah...hah…” I felt myself breathing nonstop as I tried to tell him I needed water by desperately clawing his collar. But he gave me a paper bag instead. Does he know that that doesn’t help at all?

     Throughout my episode, Mingi only patted my back while holding my hand tightly. This lasted for about 10 minutes, faster than my previous attacks, this usually takes about 15-20 minutes. So this was a miracle. 

     “Thank you… thank you…” I said repeatedly. “Hah- hah- huh…. Mingi…”

      “Hey, I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” 

     “No no-” I coughed, “It’s okay just…. I’m sorry just now. You didn’t have to see this.”

     “I don’t care… stand up.” Mingi held my hand as he picked me up. “Care to explain what that was just now?”

     “Heh, you’re asking me now?” I teased at him. “Well. I have current panic attacks whenever I dance in front of an audience, even if there’s only one person.” I gave back the handkerchief he gave me. “I guess it’s the anxiety I had. It never really went away when I was little.”

     “Ah, then sorry to bother you just now. I should have kept walking.” He looked down and began to walk away when I suddenly grabbed his arm. “No please. Don’t apologize. I needed to practice some more, I can’t be a dancer if I’m afraid of an audience, right?” I said.

            “Hehe, yeah. I guess so.” Mingi chuckled. 

            We both sat down against the concrete floor under the dim lit stars. “Funny how the tables have turned. You’ve found me this time.” 

            I guess he realized it too when he smirked. “Hehe, yeah…”

            I nudged his arm. “Hey you started talking to me now. Does that mean we’re friends?!” I suddenly shouted.

            His small eyes widened at the sudden realization and stood up. “Uh-uhm. No. The- bye-”

            I only smiled brightly as I stood up, tip-toed to his height and wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “After all my efforts! I’m finally best friends with you! Hahaha!” I laughed freely as Mingi blushed. 

            “I didn’t say anything yet, idiot.” I could see how red he’s become with my physical contact.

            “You don’t need to say it! I finally got to be friends with the cool Song Mingi! Finally!”

            Mingi hesitantly wrapped his arms around my waist in return. “C-cool?”

            I jumped in his arms. “What I said!! You’re so cool that you saved me that day without asking for anything in return! You always never hurt me even if you threatened me! You’re also so brave! You’re dancing is so cool! You rap so well! You’re just cool!” 

            “I-I…” Mingi only tried to look away from embarrassment. “You can stop talking now…”

            “I’m never going to stop talking once it goes through your head!” I laughed. I couldn’t help it, I kissed his cheek once more from genuine happiness. “Can I keep talking now?!”

            He’s finally my best friend! I guess I had a different way of showing affection. I was so used to both my mom and dad kissing me and my brothers on the face that I started doing it to my friends too. People call it weird, but I couldn’t help loving someone to death!

            “Y-you’re not afraid of me…?” He shyly asked.

            “I haven’t met you personally yet, why would I be?” I freed myself from him and take his hands to mine.

            “…”

            “Why would I judge you immediately? Am I that stupid? Haha!” I swing his hands sideways out of excitement.

            “Thank you.”

            I stop swinging his hands. “What.”

            “Thank you so much.”

            There were a lot of things to be grateful for, but as soon as he said that, I knew what he meant.    

            I only laughed at him, “Silly… of course.”

            From that day onwards, he became more comfortable around my presence. We would eat together, laugh together, shared stories together, and even danced together. He was the happiest he could ever have been. It was a sight to see him smile for the first time.

            And I took that to heart, every now and then, he would open up to me more. Whenever we encountered an adult, we would always back each other up. Not only that, my family loves him! He was surprised at first, but it took time to get used to it since… he doesn’t usually have them.

            Every break time, every lunch and recess, even outside of school, we would always text each other. Those were the times where we usually didn’t!

            One day, I brought him to the place where we could dream together. I figured, he needed to meet my other cool friends! And I did!

            “Woo, are sure that he should hang out with us? He’s kind of scary…” Yunho once approached me.

            “Scary? Don’t you mean shy?” I only replied.

            Tch… people love to judge Mingi immediately after 5 seconds of interaction. It really doesn’t make sense. It also irritates me. Don’t all of you have the time in the world to know how kind Mingi is?

            But as I looked at my friends’ face, I tried convincing them that he won’t hurt them, he isn’t that kind of person. But my anger only rose because I shouldn’t have to say this, no one should.

            Nonetheless, they trusted me enough and let him stay. Sooner or later they realized that he was just like them. The same feverish kid like us all.

            Those months were the happiest I could be, I danced with them with so much ease! When I realized how easy it was to perform now, I smiled even wider. Every time I danced, I could no longer feel the creeping anxiety anymore.

            It was like I was free for the first time.

            Like the chains on my feet were finally released.

            You have no idea how this meant so much to me.

            Even if they weren’t beside me, I always think about their faces, and I feel the energy back to my feet again. I was no longer self-conscious and I was able to deliver my best performances.

            I really never knew what it was like to have a second family… I never knew it existed in the first place. The boys showed me that definition, and I finally understood.

            I was almost 10 months clean. That was the best record yet. My family noticed and they celebrated for me.

            Of course this is worth celebrating! Everything deserved to be celebrated, even the littlest things!

            They never asked how it happened. I guess they were happy enough that I no longer had panic attacks whenever I performed.

            I smiled at them. Their happiness was my happiness! So I shouldn’t disappoint them instead, I needed to repay their love once more, it was just.

            Should I tell them that it was because of the boys?

              Nah.

         While I was continuing on with my day in a repeated routine, I noticed one little detail that changed.

            I guess I was too happy with my life to notice Mingi being in the corner all the time now… The place where we would usually meet up, he would sometimes be absent. Every break time, he rarely comes to visit me. And our last conversation on Kakao was a month ago…. yet I never bothered to ask how he is.

            I never really knew what was wrong until he lashed out that day, I guess this is my fault.

            “Hey Mingi..!” I called out to him when I spotted him walking by my direction with a blank expression.

            I raised my hand for a high five, we usually do that sort of stuff whenever we met… but he only passed me by coldly.

            “Mingi…? Mingi!” I called out once more.

            “Wh-huh?!” He snapped out of his thoughts.

            “Hey… you just passed by without greeting me… something happened?”

            He scratched his head. “Oh uhm… I didn’t see you there… sorry.”

            “Well… it’s okay….” We awkwardly stood by each other in silence for a moment. “Wanna walk together?” I intertwined his arm in mine and looked up at him.

            “…I guess.” Mingi whispered.

            There was definitely something up with Song Mingi but I didn’t even attempt to consult him about his recent attitude. I didn’t wanna pry, I wanted to respect his privacy. But I didn’t know that time that silence only made it worse, no matter how respectable you try to be, he was your friend. I didn’t realize that before.

            We walked together to the highway where Yeosang usually picks us up in his car. But half-way there, he stopped walking and pulled away from my grip.

            “I’m gonna walk to the hideout instead… feel free to ride in Yeosang’s car. Bye.” Mingi said in a few words.

            “H-hey.” I hesitantly gripped him tighter.

            “Ngh… Woo. Let me go, please…” He tried breaking free. “I’m gonna break it if you don’t.”

            “You know damn well you’re not going to, you don’t like physical affection when it comes to me, huh?” I joked.

            Mingi didn’t laugh, instead he turned away, not uttering a single word afterwards.

            I saw the look on his face and let go of his arm. “…Well. Be safe, Song Mingi.”

            He pulled his earphones out and wore them. “Hm.”

            I couldn’t do anything but watch him walk further and further away from me. At the same time, I frowned with every second that passed by under the dim sky.

            “Woo!” Yeosang shouted at me.

“C’mon! Get in, dimwit!” San laughed then felt his face relax in realization. “Where’s Mingi?”

I turned away from where he walked away. “He’s not joining.”

            As Yeosang’s car pulled over at the hideout, I exited last while my brothers shouted in comfort, running inside.

            For the last time, I stayed a little while longer outside the hideout in hopes to spot Mingi entering, but he just didn’t come. I sighed and gave up looking for him and entered the abandoned warehouse with a blank expression.

            Yunho wrapped his arm around my small shoulder. “Where have you been? You just stood outside for a full 5 minutes.” He lightly punched my chest. “What were you waiting for?”

            I only looked at the tall blonde. “Mingi… he’s not coming per usual.”

            His heart-shaped smiled melted. “Oh… I’ve noticed that as well… Maybe we should ask him later when he comes. How does that sound?”

            “Yeah… I would like that. But at the same time, don’t you think that that’s invading his privacy?”

            Yunho led me towards his guitar corner. “Asking a question isn’t invading his privacy-it’s not pity either… I had this feeling before, but if you drag this long enough that you’ve never asked him anyways, things’ll go out of hand and…”

            I cupped Yunho’s cheek in reassurance. “Yunho… it wasn’t your fault.”

            He cupped my hand in return. “Heh… look at this hypocrite. At least I let it go now, that’s what my brother would have wanted anyways.” His eyes turned serious. “How about you?”

            He broke out of my grasp and sighed loudly. “HAH! What am I getting all worked up for?!” Yunho shook his head like a puppy in water. “Ahem- anyways… wanna see me play?”

            I nodded softly, I always loved it whenever Yunho played his guitar, so of course. “Sure, dude. Show me.”

            Yunho then picked up his guitar and started strumming-

            “Hey Mingi…” Hongjoong greeted as Song Mingi finally entered…. 5 hours after our usual meeting time.

            Mingi only waved back while he sat aggressively beside Jongho.

            I stood up suddenly and felt my heart race. This time, I’m going to ask him. For sure, this time, but my feet wasn’t moving at all. Gah… how come I could never do what I wanted to do. Stupid anxiety.

            Yunho set his guitar down and lightly pushed my back. “Now’s the perfect time, go- ask now!”

            But my feet wasn’t moving at all, it’s like the chains around my feet only reformed tightened itself again. “N-no… I don’t think-“

            “C’mon! He’s never touched a single hair on you! What’s the difference now?”

            “Bruh-“ We spent the entire time bickering back and forth, not making any progress whatsoever with asking Mingi. But it was too late when suddenly he stood up and bawled his fists.

            “Can you stop that for once.” He glared at Jongho.

            Yunho and I stopped bickering for a sec and turned towards their direction. What was happening?

            “S-stop what…?” Jongho whispered.

            “Stop. It.”

     “M-Mingi- what are you talking about-?”

     “Do you pity me?” Mingi asked Jongho.

     “Huh?” Jongho’s almond shaped eyes widened.

     “Do you all pity me that much that I’m worthy of being pampered up by all of you? Am I?” He suddenly clenched his fists.  

     “Mingi,” Jongho stands up to his height, trying to calm him down. “What are you even saying, right now? Do you need something-?”

     “STOP ASKING ME IF I NEED SOMETHING!” He screamed at Jongho. 

            I flinched at the sudden outburst. After that, I couldn’t hear anything. I realized that I was shaking once more. Not a second later it turned out that I was getting a panic attack. I think Yunho noticed, and he gripped my hand in reassurance, turning away from Mingi and Jongho.

            Then the most unexpected thing happened, when Jongho raised his fists and punched Mingi on the face.

            I was at my limit. As the others turned their attention to Jongho and Mingi, I was on the ground. Shaking and crying at uncontrollable amount. I have never seen Jongho this angry, honestly, I don’t want to see that again. I don’t. I don’t.

            I tried gripping my chest to calm it down. But it was no use, I was having a panic attack.

            All around me were screams and crying and arguing and…. I never want to hear those sounds again. It made me scared. It made my attack worse.

            “MINGI!”

            “Stop it!”

            “Please, stop!”

            “Jongho- calm down! Please!”

            “Make it stop…”

            “No!”

            “SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BEAT THIS BITCH WITH MY BARE HANDS!”

            “Hah…hah…hah…” I filled the silence with my pants.

            I never want to see this again. I don’t want to. I beg you, I don’t want to.

            I was too distracted to calm myself down when half of the guys already left to speak to Jongho and Mingi.

            Huh… this was the longest time I had it. I’m not proud of it.

            Only then when I started to calm down that Seonghwa pulled me up and sat me down on a chair, wrapping me with a nearby blanket.

            “Here. Drink.” Seonghwa offered his water bottle. I sniffed as I took it from him, drinking it whole. I kept sniffing so the water dropped down my face. I was a little bit calmer after that drink.

            Seonghwa then watered his hands and splashed it on my face gently to calm my nerves. After some more splashing, he slowly cupped my face for a second, he took the opportunity to look carefully onto my eyes, then I saw.

            His brown eyes were red from crying. But he looked calm.

            Park Seonghwa… how can you endure this.

            As Seonghwa went away for a moment to clean his hankerchief, Yunho kneeled down in front of me as San rubbed my back in circles.

            The tall blonde took my hands in his and pressed my thumb with full force.

            “Your little brother’s smile…” He said.

            “My little brother’s smile…” Yunho pinched my index finger.

            “Your mother’s hug.”

            “My mom’s hug…” Yungo pinched my middle finger.

            “The stray cats on the way to your home.”

            “Mingming….” Yunho pinched my ring finger.

            “BTS.”

            “Park Jimin…” Yunho pinched my thumb again.

            “Your second family.”

            “Song Mingi….” I then gripped his hands and buried my head deep into Yunho’s broad shoulders and wept. This time, out of sadness.

            ….

            ….

            ….

            “Yeosang, what happened?” I heard San call out to Yeosang as he entered the hidout just now.

            Then what I heard next stopped my heart from beating: “He’s never coming back.”

            The next day was a bit of a haze. Most of my time in class were just me zoning out the entire time. Whenever teachers would call out to me, I didn’t greet them with my enthusiastic, loud voice.

            I guess the class turned their heads to me in confusion, but I didn’t care.

            “Hey, Mingi.” I greeted him as I spotted him in class, his head turned towards the windows.

            What broke my heart even more is that he didn’t attempt to hum in response, just pure silence.

            I didn’t bother him at all that day despite my usual habit. I’ve kept my distance, afraid of triggering something in him, then maybe he’d punch me too.

            But after what Yunho said that day to me, I mustered up the courage this time and asked him what was going on.

            Passing by the heat of the aircon beside the school building, I spot him behind as usual, content in his own music.

            I take a deep breath and walked towards his direction. I removed his earphones as he stood up immediately, resulting in me backing away against the wall, careful to keep my distance away from his fist.

            “After all that, you still wanna hang out with me? Are you serious right now?”

            “I didn’t come here to hang, I just wanted to ask what the hell happened yesterday.” I don’t know where I got the courage to stand up to a tough guy like Song Mingi.

            “Oh-“ He scoffed out. “Now- n-now you wanna ask me how I’m doing?! You-“ He balled his fists in rage. “You’re great. You know that right?!”

            I gulped. “Give me straight answer, please.” I was sick and tired of him trying to avoid questions all the time.

            “Yeah. I don’t think it’s important right now.” He started walking away when I grabbed his arms with all my strength. “Don’t leave just yet- you haven’t given me a straight answer.”

            To my surprise, he didn’t punch mem nor even attempt to hurt me, he only brushed his arm off of me. “Fine. You wanna know what’s been goin’ on? Huh?”

            He continued. “After all of this, like I’ve said before. This won’t change a goddamn thing because you don’t understand.”

            I felt my nose stuff. “I do understand-“

            He raised his arms, but I flinched wildly to endure the hit, but he didn’t. “Huh. I see how it is.”

            He angrily put his arm down. “How the hell do you know how I feel when you had a full family and I don’t?! Make it make sense, Wooyoung!

            You never knew, what it was like to have absent parents. You don’t, Wooyoung- so stop trying to emphasize with me knowing how completely different we are.

            That was the problem with you always… you didn’t realize how we’re in 2 completely different worlds, yet you have the audacity to say you know how I feel!”

            He scoffed at my face. “Fuckin’ privileged kids. None of you cared enough to even ask me how I was! What the hell? Do you care so much about yourself that you forgot about me?”

            He panted, trying to get all the words out in one sitting. “… I’ll leave before my patience’s wearing thin. Or else I’ll truly fuckin’ kill you, you hear me?”

            That was the first threat I believed hearing it from his mouth. He didn’t let me respond as he walked away again.

            This time, I didn’t run after him. I only stood there for a moment, scared out of my wits. I was guilty.

            …I fucking hate myself.

            As I entered my home and untied my shoelace, I hear my little brother call out to me in excitement.

            “Hyuuuuunnng! You’re home!!!”

            I didn’t get a chance to remove my shoes as he hugged me tightly. It took me moments before I wrapped my arms around him and tightly hugged his small body.

            I didn’t let go. I didn’t. My little brother even tried to tell me that I could let go now. But I didn’t want to. His hug was so comforting… like I needed this after a long day.

            I buried my head to his and even kissed his small face.

            I made sure this time to never take this hug for granted.

I Had it All Planned

-

-

I had it all planned: Winning Nationals, being the player of the year, and the youngest national basketball player… I had no other plans in my life than this one.

On the first day of the injury, I was only thinking of quickly rehabilitating and getting back on the field. But, I now can’t play basketball anymore. 

“Then what do I do now? I can’t do anything but basketball!”

“Let me play basketball, I’ll do anything!”

I begged the doctor, but it didn’t work.

I felt like I was drowning. No matter how hard I tried, I was still stuck in the exact same spot. As the time went by, I just tried to keep myself from drowning, just barely holding up. Is it okay to live like this? I know I can’t! But the moment I gave up playing basketball, everything inside me was lifeless, as good as being dead.

That lifeless look, before Yunho grabbing my hand, looked so much like me. My hand is throbbing from the pain. Mingi clearly saw the fist coming his way but didn’t try to avoid it. His lifeless eyes are still hunting me. 

When Mingi said he would quit, that our dream was a luxury, and that the time we spent together meant nothing to him, I couldn’t stand punching him. Funny enough, it was a heart-breaking moment for me but also the time I started dream again.

At that time, I didn’t know how to reach out to a lost Mingi. 

Where are we, where should we go?

Jongho's Wanderings

-

-

I Don't Want to be Forgotten as if I've Never Existed

-

-

        I do not want to be forgotten as if I’ve never existed. 

    I am sure that we live under the same sky and under the same world. But I feel like I'm a bit different from those people on TV dancing under those bright lights. Once I become a bright star that can be seen from everywhere, like those people on TV, will my family notice me? Even if it were by coincidence, I wish I could meet them at least once. If my family could get back together like before… I miss the warmth of our living room.

    My family scattered around and here I am with my new family I made while living alone… I’ve met my fellow members by doing music together in our little hideout. Just thinking about them warms my heart! I really hope we can achieve our dreams together! My family, the music I love, and our dreams… We must keep them.

Hongjoong's Dream

-

-

    The man with the black fedora keeps haunting my dreams. Every night, I always end up meeting him. He didn’t exactly hurt me, but his aura was unsettling. I can’t help feeling uncomfortable.

    Every night, I always wished I did not have a dream and end up waking up empty, because every time he tried to speak to me, I would always wake up in the middle of night panting out of breath. I don’t ever want to visit him again, because he was giving me constant insomnia. 

    Ever wondered what happened to me? To Mingi, to Jongho? We’re complete strangers now. I stopped saying their names, and they’ve done the same to me. Was there a chance or moment where I could relive those memories? If I’d found it, I would. 

There was nothing to lose anyways. I lost both my families, I don’t have a job, or friends. All that's left of this chapter was this hideout that I’m living under.

Oh how noisy it was before. 

Now it’s not, I’m still not used to this silence. 

Did you know that music was all I heard every time I opened the door and entered to their warm greetings?

But I feel cold now.

As I laid down on the worned-out couch, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, I unconsciously looked up at the sky, half-expecting some colors to form. But it did not appear as I was expecting it to, all I saw was a full moon. 

At that moment I really wondered what’s left of my life that’s worth living now. There was practically no spark in me that was the same as when I was with the boys. How ironic, years ago I was the complete opposite. 

These thoughts helped me overcome my insomnia, at some point. My eyes felt heavy, so there was no choice but to close my eyes and wait for the cold morning to wake me up-or meet that guy again.

And he did, just as I was expecting. In all honesty, he was starting to piss me off. But as he opened his mouth again, I prepared to wake up, but surprisingly I didn’t. 

And my heart began racing out of fear when he walked up to me. I didn’t think he was able to do that. I sat up and cowardly sank into the worned-out leather couch. Even if this was a dream, it was incredibly vivid. 

I basically couldn’t move now. This was new.

All I could do was watch him go closer to me with every jarring step he took, and finally, he leaned towards me and tilted his head. 

I gasped. 

His eyes, looked exactly like mine. The same dull and empty eyes, it mirrored my brown ones! There was something about his gaze that felt fearful to me, for the first time in years, my heart began to beat.

“You lost your dream not because of the tough reality, but because you guys decided to.”

I stayed silent.

“Get rid of the idea that the world you see is everything. There are many dimensions and many realities in this world. The world I am in, the world you are in, are all real.”

More silence. 

“I want to tell you everything, but I don't have much time right now.”    

Right then and there he pulled out a shining hourglass, it was glowing and beautiful. 

I finally had the consent to speak, and all I uttered out was a mere “What is this?”

“The Cromer, the key to connecting the world.” He responded.

This little hourglass was the key to connecting the world? At that time I was too confused to even acknowledge why I had to do this, or why it was necessary. Before I asked one more question, he backed up to the place he appeared at, but he was still looking at me. 

“Follow your heart, the map is there.”

Those were the last words I heard before opening my eyes, I did not pant, I was not afraid, and I was not tired. It was better than before, so progress? 

I sat up and tried to re-think that very vivid dream. That was indeed weird, but this was different. I feel fever, the same fever that I felt before. It came back?

    Something glowing caught the edge of my eye and I turned my head towards the table in front of my couch. My heart sank in fear, the same Cromer sat at that table, out of instinct, I panicked and screamed, fumbling on the floor in the process. 

    “What the fuck…?” 

    It took moments for my heart to calm itself, and I carefully approached the little hourglass sitting innocently on the table. 

    White sand was falling inside the glass, of course it would. But that meant someone placed it here while I was sleeping. 

    Instead of investigating who could have placed it here, I unconsciously touched the hourglass and turned it upside down, and the sand in the hourglass began to flow from bottom to top.

    Last time I checked, I didn’t do drugs? So what was I seeing right here at this moment?!

    To pop my corn even more, the furniture started to follow the direction of the sand, which was up. 

    What’s even better, is that I started following as well.

    “Wh-what the hell’s happening?!”

    I floated upwards until I was in the middle of the air, my flinging limbs stopped when I took another glance at the Cromer. 

    All I remembered was my head hitting unconsciousness.

    I opened my eyes for the second time but immediately closed it again, my head hurt badly like I was experiencing a migraine. 

    I hit my head too hard, didn’t I?

    I tried rubbing my forehead to ease the pain but it didn’t work, 

    My eyes fluttered open to a nostalgic environment I grew to recognize all too well. 

    Jongho’s basketball was in front of me. I was sure that he took it with him when he abandoned us. 

    Mingi’s headphones, San’s shoes, Seonghwa’s notebook, Wooyoung’s speaker, Yungho’s guitar. They were all back here. Their furniture was back. 

    “Hongjoong?”

    I turned toward the familiar voice. 

    Seonghwa…?

    Our last meeting was a painful memory, I could still feel the hand that pushed me back out of disgust. I couldn’t process why he was here again, I didn’t pay attention to the mysterious hideout anymore, all I could see was him. My old friend. 

    I didn’t even notice that he’s right in front of me now. Apparently he was asking some concerning questions towards me. 

    I couldn’t even respond right now since all I felt was the guilt and pain that I grew to familiar myself with when he left me. 

    I didn’t even notice that my tears had formed already and were falling across my face. I missed him so much. I really did, I wanted to apologize to him but again, my body reacted on its own and wrapped my arms around his neck, engulfing him in a tight hug. 

    I repeated those words.

    “I’m sorry.”

    “I’m so sorry.”

    “I’m still sorry.”

    It took him seconds to hug me back and reassure me. I didn’t even ask for that. 

    “Wait I- I’m sorry for tearing your shirt… I-”

    “No it’s okay, what happened?” I missed his voice.

    “I just had a bad dream, that’s all.”

Into the New World

-

-

Even though I lost my dream and family again, there was nothing I could do. Everyone left and here I am, alone again. 

On a summer day, when the hot and humid weather continued without a single drop of rain, we decided to go our separate ways. All that because our dream of being together have become like shackles that hold us down. The scorching sun melted away even our dream of youth and made it disappear at the end of our feet. Problems were piling up like laundry that had been put off. Even if, not ofen, the promises we made were pushed back day by day and we forgot about each other. It was around that time when I began seeing him in my dream. 

The man in the black fedora, whose eyes you could only see through his mask, a somehow familiar, but tired eyes. 

“You lost your dream not because of the tough reality, but because you guys decided to.”

“Get rid of the idea that the world you see is everything. There are many dimensions and many realities in this world. The world I am in, the world you are in, are all real.” 

“I want to tell you everything, but I don't have much time right now.”

“What is this?”

“The Cromer. The key to connecting the world.”

He had a shining hourglass in his hand. This little hourglass was the key to connecting the world?

I carefully picked up the Cromer. At that moment, the man went back a few steps and spat out his last words.

“Follow your heart, the map is there.”

When I looked up back from the Cromer, the man was already gone.

I then opened my eyes. It was all a dream. I fell asleep alone in the hideout where no one was looking for him. 

While I tried to hide my lonely heart and turn around, I saw something shy on the desk right in front of the couch where I was lying. It’s the Cromer I saw in my dream.

Wasn’t it a dream? While looking at Cromer, I inadvertently turned it around. The sand in the hourglass began to flow back from bottom to top. 

The iron door then opened and I could hear the footsteps coming closer one by one. The guys then gathered around me with the same puzzled face.