Chapter Text
Waiting…
Waiting..
Waiting.
It was the only thing that Jeongguk knew and had been doing for not only the past few hours, but for almost one whole year of his five-year-old romantic relationship and seven-year-old friendship with the one and only Kim Seokjin.
Yes, indeed.
Jeon Jeongguk, a male in his late twenties with a degree in fine arts and currently working as a freelancer with a wage that was barely enough for him to sustain himself, was somehow not only affiliated with, but in fact, in a long-term romantic relationship with successful soloist Kim Seokjin, who was known internationally for his gorgeously unique voice, and currently rising to fame in the filming industry with his exceptional performance in his new-found talent, acting.
Now, many would think that Jeongguk was lucky to have caught Seokjin’s eyes but being romantically involved with an artist of such high caliber came with a price - having to keep their relationship secret and away from the public eye. That meant no going out on dates like normal couples, no holding hands on the street as they leaned against each other and talked about random things, and having to endure questions regarding potential life partners from the people around them.
It wasn’t that bad in the beginning, what with both of them being busy with finishing their studies and finding jobs. However, as they grew older and got closer to their thirties, it was understandable to have their parents - more like Jeongguk’s parents - fret about their only son’s non-existent - at least in their eyes - love life.
Jeongguk could only let out a sigh at the thought, reminded of just yesterday when his parents had once again called, pestering him about getting settled down. Not only that, they even tried to set him up with their close friend’s son, oblivious to the fact that Jeongguk was already taken and had been for half a decade now.
It was beginning to get tiring for Jeongguk, having to hold back from letting others know that he was already in a relationship, but it’s not like there was anything he could do about it. Seokjin’s manager had made it very clear to both of them that their relationship had to be kept hidden or there would be consequences, and Seokjin had worked so hard to get to where he was now, so Jeongguk kept hush hush.
It will be worth it.
That was what Jeongguk had thought to himself as he followed through with the terms that the company Seokjin signed under had asked for. It was what kept Jeongguk going, what he held onto to help him get through the days where Seokjin was too busy to spare him time or had to leave for his tours.
That was, until he stopped believing in those words.
How could he when he was currently sitting at their dining table, the once steaming hot food - Seokjin’s favourite - that he had meticulously prepared now gone cold as the candlelights that he had lit up continued to burn their way through the night?
Jeongguk couldn’t help the burning sensation in his eyes, his hands fisting the hem of his shirt as he tried his best to will the tears away.
Seokjin had promised.
He promised that he would spare the evening to celebrate their fifth anniversary together, yet it’s been more than an hour since the time they promised and Jeongguk was beginning to lose hope.
Jeongguk had his eyes fixed on the flame of the candles as they danced, another hour ticking by with no signs of Seokjin, the flames beginning to blur as the tears returned with vengeance.
He should have been used to it, it wasn’t as if this was the first time Seokjin had broken a promise. There had been countless occasions where Jeongguk had been kept waiting for Seokjin, heart filled to the brim with hope. Waiting for Seokjin to come home and crawl into bed with him, waiting for him to fulfill his promise of a date, waiting for him to call or facetime whenever the older male was out of the country. Most of them ended in Jeongguk crying himself to sleep at night before Seokjin came around, begging for forgiveness only to repeat the cycle again, and again, and again.
So, yes, Jeongguk really should have known better than to believe that things would have been different this time, because they never do get better. Jeongguk knew, but he was also aware of how much work took a toll on Seokjin, so it didn’t take much for him to forgive the older and pretend like he wasn’t falling apart.
It didn’t make it any easier however.
It’s saddening how things turned out to be this way after all that they have both sacrificed for the relationship, but Jeongguk was losing hope that they could ever work things out. Things had never been like this. Sure, just like any other relationships, they had their fair share of ups and downs, but it was never to a point of neglecting one another.
In fact, for their best friends who had known them from college and were there when they got together, Seokjin and Jeongguk were known to be the gross couple that would lovingly bicker with each other like an old married couple.
Never, not even once has Jeongguk thought that at any point in time, they would have such a fallout. It never crossed Jeongguk’s mind that their relationship - that was already challenging enough as it was - would end up facing a hurdle so high that they may not be able to overcome.
Yet, here they were, with Jeongguk desperately waiting for Seokjin to show up and prove to him that they were okay, that Seokjin still felt the same way for him, that it would be different this time.
Sadly, that was nowhere near the case.
Feeling anxiety bubbling within him, Jeongguk began pacing back and forth, hands tightly gripping his phone where he had sent Seokjin multiple messages that have yet to be responded to. With no reassurance from Seokjin and no explanation on what he may be doing, the pain of experiencing another betrayal was threatening to consume him whole and Jeongguk might just let it happen, might just let himself snap and just give up on them.
However, before Jeongguk could get into overdrive, letting himself overthink everything that his treacherous mind came up with, his phone started buzzing on the kitchen counter. Jeongguk startled at the sudden vibration, but the surprise immediately faded, giving way to something more bright and positive.
Once again, Jeongguk felt hope blossom in his chest, thinking that perhaps the notification came from Seokjin responding to his text messages. Speedily, Jeongguk lunged towards his phone, mentally formulating the words he wanted to say to Seokjin to accept whatever apology that Seokjin came up with this time. Some would think of Jeongguk as foolish and naive for forgiving Seokjin just like that but they aren’t aware that just because Jeongguk forgives, that does not in any way means he forgets.
Jeongguk didn’t forgive Seokjin because he believed in all the excuses that the older gave him every time he was stood up. If anything, Jeongguk was doing it for his own sake. After all, it was the only thing keeping him together and stopping him from falling apart, from breaking into pieces and burning to ashes.
It turns out that Jeongguk was wrong.
The notification turned out to not have come from Seokjin, but instead was one of the older male’s actor friends posting on twitter. Jeongguk was about to ignore the post and return to pacing around the house, not really in the mood to find out what Seokjin’s actor friends could be up to. However, something tells Jeongguk that he should at least check the post or he would regret it. Jeongguk had always been one to follow his guts, so he didn’t question himself much and unlocked his phone, hoping for the best.
Apparently, hoping did not work and Jeongguk should have prepared himself for the worst instead because as soon as he unlocked his phone, Jeongguk was greeted by a sight that had him bursting into tears.
The phone was opened on twitter and in the center was a photo of Seokjin being held up by Kento - the actor friend that had posted the photo - at what appeared to be a party. Or was it a nightclub? Jeongguk couldn’t tell for sure and couldn’t find it in him to bother with it, not when there, in the photo, was Seokjin grinning from ear to ear with a soft flush to his cheeks, holding up a glass of what seemed to be champagne in his hands.
Jeongguk could almost feel his heart shatter. There was Seokjin, most likely having the time of his life while Jeongguk was left forgotten, his messages left unread, efforts left unseen and his wounded heart left untreated. While Seokjin was out there spending time with his new friends, Jeongguk felt like his heart had been brutally ripped out of his chest and stomped on mercilessly.
It was one thing to be stood up by his own boyfriend of five years on their fifth anniversary, but finding out from - technically - a stranger that his boyfriend had been out having fun and drinking while Jeongguk was miserably nursing his own heart, was an entirely different thing.
It hurt like nothing else Jeongguk had ever experienced and he honestly felt betrayed, a mixture of both anger and sadness taking over him and pushing poisonous thoughts into his head.
Ever since Seokjin’s last world tour - which ultimately caused them to be physically separated for an excruciating six months, Seokjin had begun to grow distant. It started small, from switching out their nightly facetimes to regular voice calls, cutting their normally half an hour long phone calls to five minute calls, and just stopping calls altogether, resorting to text messages instead. Even then, it was a struggle for Jeongguk, considering how slowly Seokjin replied to his texts, being so busy with his tour that he couldn’t even spare a measly five minutes for the person he claimed to love.
Although it upset Jeongguk to see his love - the person that he had devoted his life to and given up his dreams for - get detached, he never once questioned it. Everytime he wanted to voice out his complaints, the voices in his head held him back, reminding him that this had been - and still is - Seokjin’s life-long dream, a goal in his life that the older had set for himself before he even met Jeongguk and before they even got together.
Jeongguk understood, he understood very well. So he let himself be silenced, not wanting his presence as Seokjin’s boyfriend to affect the older one’s individuality.
As a partner, Jeongguk liked to think he knew his boundaries and was well aware that he should be ecstatic to see Seokjin enjoying himself, living the dream that he had poured his all into. After all, Jeongguk had been there from the beginning, had been there for every tear and frustration the older experienced to get where he was today. If anyone deserved such immense happiness, it was definitely Seokjin.
It was only that thought that kept Jeongguk smiling through his own pain, supporting Seokjin from the sidelines as much as he could, almost as if he was only one of the many faceless fans standing in the crowd that Seokjin met on a regular basis. For Seokjin, Jeongguk had put a hold on his own dreams and he didn’t regret it - at least not then.
The pain and anguish that came with dating such a well known idol, a household name that everyone believed to be a dream too far beyond reach, Jeongguk found all of them to be worth it because it meant Seokjin being happy - which in turn made him happy as well.
Until it was no longer a source of joy for him as he felt his already vulnerable self esteem slowly chipping away, tearing at the seams.
Things continued to go downhill when Seokjin had been given the golden opportunity to star as the main character in a historical drama - which he absolutely deserves and Jeongguk was proud of him, but also a little sad. The branching of Seokjin’s ever expanding career into the filming industry meant having his time with his boyfriend cut shorter than it already was, and with the filming location being far away from home, Jeongguk had to endure not seeing Seokjin for months.
Now, Jeongguk was never one to be controlling and irrational, he understood that Seokjin was always meant for bigger things and the older male being busy signifies that he was finally getting the recognition that he deserved. Even so, it didn’t stop Jeongguk from feeling left behind, as if Seokjin had tossed aside the seven year friendship and five year relationship that Jeongguk cherished with his entire life.
Selfish.
That’s what Jeongguk thought of himself whenever his mind drifted towards his desperation for Seokjin’s attention and touched, whenever he craved Seokjin for himself, even if it was only for a night.
However, just one glance at Seokjin’s delighted expression, the way his plump lips stretched into a tiny bashful grin as he talked about his day - which no longer consisted of spending time with Jeongguk - and his hand movements as he recalled the amazing new things he tried with his new actor friends.
That was all Seokjin talked about these days, never bothering to pause and let Jeongguk give his input, and the younger one just let him do as he pleased. As always, Jeongguk gave in, reacting enthusiastically whenever he believed he should and ignoring the invisible lump in his throat that continued to grow bigger and bigger, threatening to suffocate him.
Seokjin was just so bubbly and happy, how could Jeongguk ever even think about ruining his fun? Especially not when it was Seokjin that had been supporting him all this while when Jeongguk struggled to get a job suited for his degree that would also allow him time to be Seokjin’s emotional support.
All in all, Seokjin was happy and that was all that should have mattered - or at least that was what he thought, because Jeongguk should be happy as long as Seokjin was happy, right? Jeongguk was well aware that relationships meant sacrificing for your loved one’s sake if it meant their happiness - and Jeongguk was already implementing it, so why was it that seeing Seokjin so elated and chasing his dreams caused Jeongguk such unbearable pain?
Jeongguk didn’t understand, failing to realise that he was only human and that it takes two to tango. A healthy relationship requires effort from all parties involved, and currently, it seemed as though Jeongguk was the only one trying to make sure it stayed alive. Pieces of him were taken in the process of Jeongguk keeping the relationship active and now Jeongguk has got nothing left to spare, becoming a hollow shell of the person he used to be.
Jeongguk was exhausted, at the brink of giving up, but he still pushed on, desperately clinging onto the fine thread that was his relationship with Seokjin, already prepared - anticipating - for it to snap and give out under his weight.
It was the candle burning out that snapped Jeongguk back to reality, the room previously casted in the warm golden glow of the candlelight now dark and cold, befitting of how Jeongguk felt emotionally.
A glance at the clock on the wall - showing the time to be 1:17am - told Jeongguk that he had been staring into space for at least an hour. It was already too late for him to continue waiting for Seokjin, judging from his friend’s post, it was unlikely for Seokjin to return anytime soon. With a heavy heart, Jeongguk pushed himself out of his seat, absentmindedly taking all of the now cold full course meal he had spent the entire afternoon on and packed them up before storing them in the refrigerator, not even taking a bite himself as he had lost all his appetite the second he saw the photo of what was most likely a tipsy Seokjin ready to party for the rest of the night.
After making sure the kitchen and dining room was spotless, Jeongguk made his way towards the master bedroom and changed into his pyjamas, frowning at the outfit he had dressed himself in earlier as he unconsciously fisted his hands in the soft fabric - he had just purchased it recently, specifically for their anniversary which should have been a joyous celebration - before tossing it into the laundry basket carelessly.
Once he was done, Jeongguk walked out of the master bedroom and entered the guest bedroom just down the hall, deciding to not stay in the master bedroom as it only reminded him of Seokjin, traces of the older’s distinct floral scent still lingering on the pillowcases and bed sheets - easily distinguishable with how sensitive Jeongguk’s sense of smell was.
With a hollow heart and no more tears left to cry, Jeongguk flopped onto the guest room’s bed, pulled the blankets over his head and let sleep take him away from reality, still desperately hoping that his ruined relationship with Seokjin was nothing more than a nightmare that he would hopefully, eventually wake up from.