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A hand reached out for his. The room was dark. The small TV on the entertainment console was playing something he couldn’t really hear. It was just inaudible enough to keep him awake. The blankets smelled of cigarette smoke and were rough against his skin. Toki’s fingers threaded through Magnus’ and he tried to shut his eyes again.
“Are you asleep?” was whispered by his ear.
Toki shook his head. He felt a skinny leg worm its way between both of his and he felt Magnus scooch ever closer to him. Toki opened his eyes finally. The futon was uncomfortable, his arm was falling asleep and Magnus’ feet were cold. His extremities were cold period - both hands that were touching him were like ice against his skin.
“It ams hards to sleeps,” Toki whispered back. A car drove by the ground floor apartment, casting a yellow light on the wall from its headlights.
Toki peeled himself from Magnus and sat up, the latter following suit, and Magnus reached for the TV remote. He changed it from the news and began to channel surf. Toki touched his arm when a familiar cartoon flashed across the screen. The remote was discarded in the sheets and Magnus stood up. Toki heard the soft crunch of bones as he popped his back before walking to the fridge on the other side of the small studio room. Magnus returned with two cans of beer and cracked one before offering the other to Toki.
He took it and sipped, staring down at the blue can in his hands, feeling the slickness of condensation against his skin. The light from the TV cast a blue glow over Magnus as he sat back down next to Toki. He saw the shadows of his face and could barely make out the details of his face in the dark. Toki had better luck seeing the dark red mark on Magnus’ neck, already turning purple against his skin.
“You doin’ alright?” Magnus asked. His voice was muffled by the rim of the can against his lips. “You’re real quiet.”
“Just…” Toki hung his head and set the can down on the coffee table in front of them. “Just sads.”
It had just happened. The entire night had been a blur and he hadn’t really understood what was going on at the moment. Charles had told him the next day as he nursed a hangover and asked why nobody was talking to each other. There had been an unsuccessful phone call to Rockzo - who just laughed. With one of his oldest friends outside of the band offering no help or comfort about the breakup, Toki turned to a newer friend.
He turned to Magnus.
Magnus had a soft voice and sympathetic tone on the phone. They had grabbed that dinner. They had drunk a lot too. Toki picked at his food, sobbed pitifully, drank and drank and drank. He remembered being guided inside the studio apartment with hands on his back, hands on his shoulders. He remembered a hand over his mouth to gently push him away when he leaned in for a kiss. He woke up the next day hungover and with a pounding in his head. Magnus was asleep hunched over in the single chair in his apartment and Toki had been sprawled out on the futon in its entirety.
Now Magnus was less squeamish about sharing a bed and drunk kisses and Toki couldn’t be happier for it. Especially as the fighting in Mordhaus got worse and worse and then it just...stopped, suddenly. Toki almost hated the icy environment and stares and silence more. It reminded him of home. It reminded him that there were lurking predators in the house that used the silence as a cover. If it was quiet, he was never sure if things were going to be bad or good, and they liked him not knowing. It was better with Magnus.
Mangus was all noise. Loud laughs until he snorted or doubled over in a rattling cough, shouting along to music in the car, a constant stream of things to say. He had so much to talk about. Toki loved it. When he was too sad to talk he would just lay on the futon as Magnus went over his collections of books and vinyls and comics.
He saw this act in ‘88, he saw them again in ‘92, he gave this guitarist a handjob in ‘84 before they got famous, he met that comic artist at a convention in ‘05. This run of this superhero was better than that other run by the other writer who totally didn’t get it. This book was just one that he found at a flea market but he had been looking for it for years. Toki wasn’t sure why that one was important. The cover just had a fat man with a strange triangle hat on, his closed fists framing either side of his face as he sat next to a book with a star on it. Magnus had tried to explain why all of that was so important, but Toki had fallen asleep halfway through.
There were quiet moments, too. Things like this. The TV barely audible, Toki sinking back into the thin mattress again. Magnus settled next to him and Toki curled against his side.
“You still sad, buddy?” asked Magnus. Toki nodded against his chest. “Aw, it’s okay.”
“Just...sads,” Toki whispered. “I don’ts wants the band to stop. Ams my first band…”
“It’ll be okay,” Magnus repeated. “All things must pass and all that shit. It’ll all be over soon.”
Toki got an idea. He chuckled.
“We should starts a band,” he said. Magnus snorted. “Ams serious! We shoulds!”
“Just two guitars?” Magnus asked.
“You says you plays some bass too,” Toki said.
“Oh, shit...didn’t think you’d remember that,” Magnus said with a sheepish tone. “Kinda. I don’t have one, though.”
“I’m gonna buys you one. A nice one, with flames and tits on the side,” Toki turned and angled his head so he could look up at Magnus, his chin digging into his chest. Magnus smiled at him. “I’ll buys you a new guitars, and gets you anythings you want!”
“What if I want a marimba?” asked Magnus sarcastically.
“I’ll buys you a mambas!” chirped Toki.
Magnus chuckled and grunted as Toki flipped on top of him. He stared down at him and fanned out some of the long, curly hair around him on one of the flat, coverless pillows he had. Toki had brought some of his own pillows and blankets over and Magnus had been...less than enthused about them, outwardly. But Toki had gone to use the bathroom once and had come back to Magnus cuddling one of the pillows he had brought with him, face buried into the fake cartoon tabby cat. It made things a little bit more homey.
The two of them shared a laugh over nothing and Toki leaned down for a kiss. The arms that wrapped around him were thin but they felt so strong and they made Toki feel safe. He knew he was safe with Magnus - far away from bad memories, and arguing, and everything bad.
A hand reached out for his. Toki’s breaths came shallow and labored. It felt like he had been running and had lost his stamina, the pain in his side radiating up and throughout the left side of his body. He let out a weak noise as he was hauled upright by the hand he had taken. The dizzying nausea in his head made it hard for him to sit up for long, but the hand that he had been holding held him upright until he was able to sit by himself. He heard the click of a lighter. Toki turned to see the flame and the shaking hand that held it. The second hand was holding a thick sewing needle over the flame, rotating it slowly. Toki felt a sickness course through his stomach as he realized what that might be for.
Where was Abigail? She had been really hurt. She didn’t even say anything to him when he kept trying to talk to her in the back of the car, to wherever they are now. But he didn’t even have long to talk to her until the man with the silver mask had struck him, and he had gone to sleep.
Where was anyone?
The crinkling of plastic jerked Toki back to reality. He looked down at the cotton pad that was being opened to rub the ash that had accumulated on the needle off. Was that clean? Something wet splashed onto it. The hands were trembling so much. This wasn’t a doctor. This wasn’t a hospital. This shouldn’t be happening. A thick line threaded the eye of the needle. This couldn’t happen.
Toki lurched forward for a moment to try and avoid it. One of the hands grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back into place.
“Don’t move,” Magnus said hoarsely. It should have been a demand, but the quivering to his voice made it sound like a plea.
“Why-“
Toki choked out a noise at the feeling of the needle piercing his skin. His jaw clenched with each stroke of the needle. He was keenly aware of each sensation as it happened. There was the internal pop of the needle breaking through layers of skin. Then there was the slow, agonizing dragging of the thread through his skin. He whimpered.
“You wanna know fuckin’ why?”
He didn’t, really, but he had asked.
Pop. Drag.
“Because you...they...you all took everything.”
Pop. Drag.
“But I’m gonna fix you up. They’re gonna...they’re gonna come get you.”
Pop. Drag.
“They actually give a fuck about you.”
Pop. Drag.
“And I’m not an awful fuckin’ monster, man, I’m not gonna let this sit open until they do. You had your insulin on you, too. It’ll be okay.”
Pop.
Drag.
“I’m just...I’m hurtin’, man. They kicked me out onto the street like I was a piece of shit.”
A knife - the knife - cut the fishing line. A clumsy knot was tied, pulling on the brand new stitches, making Toki whimper again.
“A nobody. Going to conventions and doing that goddamn camp to make rent. They’ll pay. They’ll see how it is.”
Something splashed against Toki’s side that stung and burned so badly that it felt like his wound was on fire. He kept his mouth shut all the same as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He was used to having to be quiet during physical pain. He knew that crying only made it worse. He didn’t want to be given something to actually cry about.
Toki’s breath came out in a ragged gasp as he realized he had been holding it. He wasn’t sure for how long, just that the air burned as he inhaled. Magnus gathered everything in his arms after he stood up. His hair was wild. Toki was pretty sure there was blood staining his jeans. His blood? Abigail’s? There was blood on his hands. Toki wasn’t sure if it was fresh or old, the blood from the funeral or the blood from just now.
But, Magnus fixed him. Magnus cared. Magnus cared about him still. He made it better the way that stuffed animals had to be fixed. Needle and thread.
“Magnus?” asked Toki as Magnus made it to the door.
Magnus paused. He turned to look over at him with a strained, odd look on his face.
“Thanks you,” Toki said. Magnus reared his head back in confusion. “I just wants to know...wh-why?”
Magnus opened his mouth but no words came out. He shook his head to himself and huffed in frustration.
“Lay down and sleep, dude. You’ve got…” Magnus opened the door to the damp room and sighed suddenly. “You’ve not got long to wait.”
Then Toki was alone. He apparently didn’t have long to wait, but he wanted Magnus to come back.
A hand reached out for his. The touch was distant and hard to place, like he was remembering a moment in time, and his fingers groped for the sensation. He opened his eyes. It was dark. There was a faint dripping in the corner and the sound of Abigail’s even breathing as she slept. He closed his eyes again to try and let himself drift off. It was warmer when he was asleep. Bright neons and soft lights. Toki turned over onto his side and the plush toys that surrounded him gave way to blankets that smelled of cigarette smoke.
He felt a hand against his side. It pressed into the perfect, clean stitch on his side. Even though the hand was cold, Toki felt a warmth radiate off of it. Fantasies as he fell asleep would vary. Sometimes he was in Mordhaus. Sometimes he was in Norway. Sometimes he was in that studio apartment. Sometimes he was somewhere vague and unknowable, a new location, and sometimes everyone was with him and sometimes it was just one person. It could be anyone - Nathan, Abigail, Charles, Aslaug, Skwisgaar, Juliette, Magnus, Murderface. It was never a set cast.
Toki opened his eyes again. He could barely keep them open. But he reacted to something against his face. Abigail’s fingers brushed hair away from his face and he turned his head in irritation at it. He just wanted to be left alone so that he could sleep. She shushed him wordlessly when he responded with a small noise to the affection. He opened his eyes again. She was asleep by his side.
He wasn’t sure how long they had been down here. But Magnus had said they wouldn’t have to wait long. He had said it like a promise. And while Magnus wasn’t the most truthful person, recently, he was truthful in his own way. The initial fear and pain over faster than Toki had expected - “It’ll all be over soon.” So he wasn’t an exact liar. Toki closed his eyes again. It was more fun to dream his time away than think about that sort of thing.
Especially because when his mind did make him think of Magnus, it was always pleasant. Pleasant memories. Pleasant predictions for the future. One day they would get out of here, the two of them, and they would be far away from all of this and safe. Magnus looked so sad every time he came by now. He would talk more to himself than to either Abigail or Toki and he avoided their gazes as much as possible. He’d mumble about the silver faced man and Toki just knew that something more was going on. Magnus seemed trapped, too.
When Toki dreamed, they escaped together.
And one day, a hand reached out for his, and Toki saw Nathan. There were lights. It felt like his blood burned and static licked at his skin. Everything was happening all at once. The building was crumbling around them and he was dragged out of it faster than he could even look around. The air was cold and his stitching burned. He sat against a rock and stared up at the stars. He didn’t realize he had missed the stars so much. He held his side with a grimace before looking back at the decaying stone behind them, with only one word on his lips.
“Magnus-“
Toki reached his hand out expectantly. Magnus did not take it, instead shifting his hand away nervously. There was an IV in his skin. Bruises dotted Magnus’ body still. He had mostly recovered - as far as Toki was aware - but apparently he just bruised easily. There was a peek of stitching under the hospital gown he had on, Toki’s eyes falling on the little gear pattern that adorned it, and Magnus shifted under his blankets uncomfortably.
“Long times no sees,” Toki said helpfully.
It had been a long time. A few months. Magnus had been in and out of consciousness, and Toki had been struggling trying to even find the hospital that Charles was keeping him in. They didn’t want him to see Magnus at all. Nobody did. He understood it, sort of, but what else was Toki supposed to do? Not see his friend?
“Yeah,” Magnus said.
He acted so differently now. Toki saw him shy away from physical touch and contact, like before they started being regularly intimate. It hurt to see that backslide into old behavior. He acted like he didn’t deserve to have Toki scoop him into his arms and shower him in love and kisses. And Toki couldn’t understand why he didn’t want that affection. He slipped out of his seat and settled onto the edge of Magnus’ bed to try and get closer to him.
“Toki-“ Magnus began, voice soft and warning.
“I wants to sits with you,” Toki pleaded. He reached his hand out again. Magnus didn’t take it again. “Magnus, please.”
Magnus stared off into nothing for a moment. He seemed as if he was studying one of the patterns in the wall. His eyes finally landed on Toki again. His eyes were so gorgeous, Toki couldn’t get over how beautiful brown eyes were.
“Why?” asked Magnus.
“I don’ts know,” Toki said.
He did know. That was the scary thing. He knew why he still wanted to spend time with Magnus. He wasn’t sure how he could word it exactly, and he wasn’t sure if he was feeling what he thought he was feeling, but he wanted to say it. But if Magnus couldn’t even hold his hand, he wasn’t sure how he could even say something like that to him without scaring him. Magnus sat in silence for a moment before finally shifting again.
“I don’t know if I wanna see you when I’m out,” he whispered finally.
Something in Toki’s heart shattered. It felt distant and strange but he was so keenly aware of everything around him suddenly. He felt his eyes well up and he angrily blinked back tears, watching as Magnus visibly bristled at the sight of him crying. He cleared his throat. He didn’t want to argue about it. But he had to tell Magnus that that was bullshit, and stupid.
“Why?” it was Toki’s turn to ask.
Magnus looked at him helplessly. Toki knew why. It was plain on Magnus’ face and explained to him just as plainly when he asked for Magnus in his own hospital bed and was met with icy silence. He watched Magnus’ eyes drift to Toki’s side.
“Are you doin’ okay?” he asked.
“I ams!” Toki tried to sound chipper. “Doctor says I woulds have had an infecskuns and been real bad off if I hadn’ts been given medical attentions!”
That was a lie. Toki had been presented to the hospital staff with a massive infection that had burrowed into the skin and muscle and was told whatever had been put in his side probably had made it worse. The fact that he’d had regular insulin to try and keep his sugar and immune system in check had helped some, but not a lot. But if Magnus could feel like he helped more than he had hurt…maybe he would want to stay?
He had begged and pleaded for Magnus to be treated when they found him. He couldn’t lose another person - not like that - and he had gotten his wish. To lose someone even after helping them live was like its own special form of Hell.
“Toki?” Magnus’ voice was quiet. He peered down until he was in Toki’s field of vision again. “Oh, buddy-“
Toki started when the tips of Magnus’ fingers touched his face and Magnus reflexively flinched back. Magnus had reached to swipe tears that were starting to fall without Toki even realizing. Magnus looked like he was on the verge of tears himself. Or perhaps sleep, because he looked miserably exhausted. He had stopped taking care of his hair weeks before they were found, Toki could tell, and it seemed like nobody at the hospital was giving him the time of day to help. He wanted to be that help.
“Don’t cry over me, dude,” Magnus whispered.
“Can’ts helps it,” replied Toki with a shrug of his shoulders.
“I think you could. I don’t…” Magnus searched for the words. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Don’ts says that! Shush!” Toki barked out, making Magnus jump. “I misses you damnit and I don’ts want to fucksin’ hears it!”
Magnus blinked mildly at the outburst as Toki swiped angrily at his tear-stained cheeks with the back of his hand. They sat in silence for a moment longer as Toki cried. Magnus’ face was twisted into a grimace of discomfort as Toki kept trying to wipe away his tears faster than they could fall. Until finally, he let his head hang and let himself finally sob .
He hated how he sounded when he cried. Ugly, loud, sucking in dramatic breaths and shivering. He didn’t do it often, trained out of him at a young age, but he hated when it happened. It was embarrassing. And to do it in front of Magnus? Magnus, who was going through his own problems? Magnus, barely out of the hospital? Magnus, who probably had to deal with more guilt than Toki could ever comprehend?
A hand reached out for his. Toki took it in both of his desperately and another sob escaped him as he was pulled forward. He was tugged against Magnus’ chest. There were wires that he shouldn’t snag, scarring to be mindful of, healing bones he shouldn’t put his full weight into, tubes and needles and heart rate monitors and it didn’t matter. None of it mattered as he buried his face into Magnus’ neck and felt two skinny arms - skinnier than they were the last time Magnus held him - wrap around him tightly.
“It’s okay.”
He had wanted to hear that again. Replayed it hissed into his ear over and over again on a loop. Even in that context, it had been something.
“Sh, sh, sh.”
Toki’s sob ended in a hiccup.
“I know, I know. I’m…” Magnus inhaled sharply, then coughed. “I wish...I’m just sorry.”
A hand reached out for his. Toki didn’t even have to open his eyes, all he did was roll over to get closer to the person groping for him. His face crushed against a hairy chest and he smiled to himself. He could pretend to be asleep for a moment longer. He was never bothered too much when he was asleep.
Maybe Magnus knew how hard it was for him to get a decent night’s sleep these days. Insomnia, nightmares, night terrors, sleep walking. So Magnus treated a slumbering Toki with the reverence reserved for worshiping a god. Distant, loving and respectful of space. Fitting, if any of what Charles had been telling him the past few weeks had been true. Magnus was all tip-toe and careful when Toki was asleep around him. Toki felt a kiss on his head and he smiled before nuzzling further into the chest in front of him.
This apartment was still small, but comfortably so, and this one had a separate bedroom. Toki could see it even with his eyes closed. Shelves teeming with books and comics and vinyls. Walls papered with posters. The quiet town in Texas Magnus had settled in just outside his window. He felt the hand holding his squeeze three times in short bursts. And then Magnus slipped away from him. Toki squirmed further into the now empty spot of the bed, still warm and smelling of Magnus, before barely opening in his eyes. He saw Magnus in front of his closet picking through clothes. Did he have to work? Or was he just getting ready for the day?
An old shirt was pulled over his head, his sweatpants were replaced with blue jeans, he looked overwhelmingly casual. Then Toki lifted his head suddenly. They had to go to the airport. Soon.
“Fuck-!“ he swore as he flailed out of bed in a tangle of limbs and sheets.
Magnus turned around and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the closet door. Toki fumbled with his clothes and stopped when he realized he was being watched with a smirk.
“Airport’s not until eight,” Magnus jerked his chin at the clock on his bedside table. “It’s ten.”
Toki sat on the bed again with a pout. Magnus gestured with his chin again to the suitcase that lay open on the floor. Clothes were strewn around it. A toothbrush languished on the floor. There was a sock just sort of sitting there, one of the cute toe socks Toki bought that Magnus kept calling weird.
“Need to pack, though,” Magnus said. “That’s your mess.”
“…I suppose it ams,” Toki replied sullenly as he sank to the floor to pick it up.
“I meant to ask, did Offdensen put us on such a shitty flight time because he knew I was gonna be flying with you?” asked Magnus, voice jovial as he grabbed a handful of his own clothes to pack away.
Toki winced to himself and took a deep breath. There was a catch. Might as well get some of this taken care of, instead of doing it all at once.
“He…he doesn’ts…” he said finally.
He looked up to see Magnus staring at him, eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“You said you told him why you were flyin’ out all the time,” Magnus replied.
“I saids I was takings horse riding lessons,” Toki admitted.
Magnus sat on his bed with a sigh.
“It’s been a year. Do they know about…like, me? Our deal? At all?” asked Magnus. Toki shook his head slowly. “Fuck me, man, you said you told them-“
“I tolds Murderface. He saids he was excited to sees you again,” Toki interjected.
“He is?” Magnus’ face softened. “Aww. I miss that guy. And maybe two of you can soften the blow when-“
“Oh, he kinda rans away…“ Toki said.
“I’m sorry, he what?” Magnus replied.
“Looks, I didn’ts tell anyones because I knew they’d be mads. But when they sees their old pal, they won’t-“ Toki began, but it was Magnus’ turn to interrupt.
“Last fuckin’ four times I’ve seen my old pals it has not been on good terms. I saw them after this-“ Magnus gestured to his blind eye as he spoke. “-and then that fuckin’ camp, and then the other two times…”
They went quiet. It still wasn’t really brought up between them. Toki brought it up to Dr. T often, yes, and Magnus said he talked to his therapist about it, but they didn’t talk about it together.
“Nathan’s gonna finish what he fuckin’ did to me,” Magnus said pitifully. “Dude I can’t just amble up to your fuckin’ mansion like ‘Hi guys, what’s up, remember all the fucked up things I’ve done? Sorry! Anyway I’m gonna go kiss Toki with tongue now!’ like a total psycho.”
“If you says sorries, maybe they…” Toki trailed off. He wasn’t sure what he was saying.
He stood to sit down on the bed next to Magnus. His hand ran up and down his back slowly as Magnus took in a heaving breath. He was telling him everything else now. Might as well…
“Just…Charles tooks me away from here because something bigs am happening. Big…big things. Says the clouds am gonna opens up, things gonna happens. Because of the stars,” Toki gestured to the ceiling. “Th-the big ones.”
“The big-“ Magnus froze. Toki felt a cold chill ripple Magnus’ back under his palm.
“Yeah. Ragnarok,” Toki explained it as simply as he could. Magnus stared out his bedroom window.
“Toki…be honest with me,” Magnus whispered. “Can you fly around, and shit?”
“I haven’ts trieds it recently,” Toki admitted.
“I thought…” he trailed off for a second. “I thought that I was just trippin’ ‘cause I lost so much blood. In shock. Somethin’.”
“Nopes,” Toki shook his head. “Abigail-“
He felt Magnus’ body stiffen under his touch at the mention of her name.
“Abigail saws it too,” he said. “I remembers it, and everyones else does too.”
Magnus ran his hand over his face.
“So, you’re gonna what, save the world?” Magnus said dryly. Toki nodded, enthusiastic he got the concept so quickly. “Oh, Jesus Christ, dude-“
“And I don’ts wants you to be too far aways. Dunno when I can comes sees you again,” Toki said before leaning in and kissing Magnus’ cheek. “So you ams gonna fly out to Mordhaus, and makes nice with the guys, and you ams not gonna leave me again.”
He rested a hand over the pitter-pattering of a mechanical heart in Magnus’ chest. Magnus took a deep breath and looked at Toki before letting out a trembling exhale.
“Do I have a choice?” he asked.
“Nope!” Toki replied with a chuckle and another kiss. “You ams gonna help me stops the apocalypse. Or starts it, I don’ts really knows-“
Magnus opened his mouth as if to say something, or ask another question, but thought the better of it and kissed Toki instead. That was a good enough answer really.
And as they kissed, Toki felt a hand reach out for his, and he took it with the intent to never let go.