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Kris wakes up to the smell of something burning.
It’s not a gentle awakening, with the blaring fire alarm and a sense of panic that settled deeply in their chest. They don’t realize they’re shaking until they look down at their hands, clenching the sheets.
The smell of charred pie crust is distinct, from all the times Toriel had forgotten, or gotten too caught up in something to take the pie out of the oven in time.
So why is Kris thinking about fried chicken?
Because of that battle. Because of Berdly.
Kris had remembered vividly what she had looked like. The skin around her beak and eyes shredded, where the prongs of a wall plug would go. His feathers charred on the tips, smoking like a flame that had just been extinguished. Lichtenberg scars that ran from his fingertips to her shoulder, the skin ripped apart in fern-like patterns by the surging electric current.
He was a loyal pawn to the Queen, until that wire was ripped from his face. From the way the Queen had yelled, she must’ve not wanted him to do that, either. But when Berdly does anything good he suffers for it. Kris would never blame him for trying to protect them. For risking her life to prevent herself from doing any harm. But that voice does.
What does it matter if we didn’t loosen the wires?
What if Kris could have prevented this from happening?
We won the battle.
Kris doesn’t care about the battles, fighting those they don’t want to fight, all for a pile of crumpled cash in their pocket and yet another weight added to the soul they drag with them. Yet Kris could not stop themselves from bringing the blade of their sword down on the Queen, issuing attack after attack.
They don’t blame Berdly. Kris knows what it’s like to be controlled.
Their eyes drag over to the calendar. In the box labelled Saturday, Berdly’s name is scribbled in.
They check their cell phone balanced on the headframe of their bed, skimming over the dozens of texts from Susie. It’s early morning and the date says Saturday.
The sheets slide off the bed as Kris stands and their socks slide against the cold wooden floorboards. They cover their ears with their palms as they scamper to the bathroom.
The door slams shut and the noises drown out. A rush of blood, pounding in their ears.
Various toothbrushes and soaps clatter to the floor as Kris knocks them all out of the way in one quick swipe. They stand on the tips of their toes and lean all their weight forward, gut folded over the edge of the sink. Toriel faintly calls out to ask what they’re doing but it’s ignored.
Their teeth are spread wide open as they snarl into the hideous image reflected back at them, breath fogging the glass. Fingerprints that are not theirs have smudged their vision, their eyes burn from the unblinking days that are spent outside of their own body, like a ghost, looking in from the outside. Kris grips the sink harder, even if it starts to hurt, just to feel. Just to be sure that they aren’t going to phase through it. There’s a terrible noise that threatens to escape from their throat and they can’t tell if it’s to yell or to cry because Kris has done neither in years.
Their own hand plunges into their chest.
-
Kris lays in the grass, and Berdly sits across from them. There’s a faint clicking sound as he scrolls through the music on his ipod, various videogame OST’s play through the small speakers. She stops at a specific song, and the tune isn’t familiar to them.
“You must be wondering, you haven’t heard this one before yet, right?”
Kris shakes their head.
“That’s because this one’s from the newest release.”
Kris drops their chin in their palm and that’s enough of a sign that they were interested for Berdly to continue explaining it. They listen, thinking about how much they like his voice.
I could get the game, Kris signs in the middle of her explaining the plot.
“What?” Berdly stops talking to look at them incredulously.
We can play it together.
“That’s completely-“ It seems like she considers it for a moment. Something changes his mind. “I wouldn’t even be able to play it.” He says, probably a little too defensively.
Kris says nothing. From that point the topic is dropped. They decide they’ll let her do most of the talking from now on. It works, as Berdly picks off right where she left off and Kris will probably end up searching this game up on the internet for when he decides to quiz them on everything he just explained. But for now, Kris gets lost in thought, their face settling into a frown as they follow the movement of one wing which gesticulates vividly and the other which rests in his lap.
“Kris,” Berdly clears his throat and they look up. “While I don’t understand your ulterior motives for inviting me here, and I would never want anyone from school knowing that I hang around lowlifes like you … ” He looks nearly bashful to admit, “I enjoy spending this time with you.”
There’s a few seconds of silence. Kris rolls on their back and gets up from the floor.
Berdly raises his arms defensively and looks to the side. “Hey, did you really think I was serious? It was… A joke! Though, I wouldn’t expect you to get that-“
Kris stares at him, and continues to stare. Something about that is unnerving enough to make Berdly stop talking. They search for something that isn’t there in his unmarked face, bare of scars and feathers as blue as they’ve always been.
They throw themselves at her. Kris easily knocks him back into the grass, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Berdly is startled by the sudden movement, she doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t know what to say, or anything he thinks of would definitely ruin the moment. Whatever the moment was.
Hesitantly, Berdly’s arm wraps around their neck. He doesn’t think he’s ever hugged Kris before. Not in all the years they’ve known each other.
They both sit like that for a while, Kris’ forehead to her shoulder as they clutched the back of her shirt. Berdly is warm and his feathers are soft, he sort of smells like spray on deodorant purchased in poor taste.
It’s so normal. Kris misses normal.
When they pull apart, Kris takes a deep, shaky breath. In their empty chest butterflies hatch from their cocoons and flutter around. They look down, hair falling over their face.
“Were you holding your breath that whole time?” Berdly offers a lopsided grin and holds back from asking any other questions.
Kris bites their lower lip.
Yeah, you smell.
“Har, har!” Berdly shoves their shoulders and Kris smiles. “I’ll have you know I triple checked this morning-“
Berdly goes red when they take his wing and uses it to pull them both up from the ground. Kris holds it for a moment longer before brushing the dust off the back of their pants and standing.
Kris lowers to the ground, one leg in front of the other. It takes him a moment to realize what they’re doing.
Kris was acting… weird. Maybe this is just Kris, how would he know? Maybe if he hadn’t held out on hanging out with them for so long, he would have a better idea over what this is all about. Berdly shakes his head and insists to himself there’s nothing to worry about.
He rubs the side of his paralyzed arm, and feels conflicted to why he wants to feel Kris close to him again.
The autumn breeze runs through their hair and the leaves around them fall to the ground. “You want to race?”
Kris nods. Berdly looks out to the distance, just down the dirt path and through the woods, where the calm trickle of the river can be heard.
“You’re on,” He says, drawing a line in the dirt ground with his talon. “Don’t pass this line before I say so, got it?”
Another nod.
“Alright, three…”
Berdly counts down, and they run the whole way.
-
Kris sits at the edge where the road ends, and Berdly does too, legs tucked under him. They both take a moment to catch their breaths, and Berdly makes some comment about how he would’ve won the race if it wasn’t for his wing, and “No, flying is not cheating!”
Next time, they’ll let her win.
Over the rocky edge of the path, the water runs down the stream and splashes up against the sides, the bottom of Kris’ pants are soaked where they roll them up to their ankles. They kick their legs in the air and Berdly stays perched a couple of feet away, avoiding the water. He easily gets colds.
When Kris places their hands behind them, their fingers brush against Berdly’s wing. Neither of them say anything about it, but certainly noticed .
Kris feels it again. Something claws its way up their throat. They have yet to hear that demanding voice, one that urges them. One they have no control over.
They twist around and tug on Berdly’s sleeve without letting go of it, liking the feeling of the fabric.
“What, do you want to swim now? You already know-“
“I want to scream.” they say, voice raspy.
“…What?” Was all Berdly could say, confused more than anything. “You- huh?”
He doesn’t get a word in before they take in a breath and yell . A shrill scream slices cleanly through the calm atmosphere, it rips from their throat and sounds painful. A call out to no one and pouring out all the things that have been festering in the silence they had let grow between them for too long.
She stares at them with wide eyes. It's the loudest she’s ever heard Kris. Berdly can hardly believe that they could ever let out a noise like that.
She reaches out to grab their shoulder, and pulls them back from the edge. Kris’ voice cuts off in a broken decrescendo and they both topple against the floor.
“Shit-“ Berdly quickly sits up and looks to their hands which scraped again the ground, the pale skin of their palms smeared with the slightest of red blood. “I didn’t- Uhh- '' He began to stutter in what seemed like an apology. Kris eventually starts to snicker under their breath, mostly because they can’t hold back, looking at Berdly’s dumbfounded face.
His heart is racing, partly from shock, partly from seeing Kris smile.
“Do you find that funny?!” Berdly starts to scold. “If anyone heard that, I’m not gonna cover for you once they find out!”
Kris loudly snorts into their palm.
Berdly’s beak drops. Suddenly, forgetting everything he was mad about in the moment.
Kris raises an eyebrow which she can’t see.
“…Sorry,” Berdly blurts. “You’re just. Nothing! Shut up! Your laugh is just stupid. It’s stupid and so is your snort , aren’t you embarrassed?!”
He stands up and looks away, screwing his eyes shut. Her face is so hot . Is he sick?
Kris pokes his leg and then points to their throat.
“Me? Yell?” Berdly slowly turns around. “I’m a bird . You could say it’s my thing . Squawking. Mating calls too, obviously ,” He places his hands on his hips and makes a show of puffing up his feathers. Kris makes a somewhat disgusted face. “Don’t be jealous! I could out-yell you any day, so be grateful instead… Don’t give me that look! No, I’m not proving it!”
-
Kris opens their eyes to a spinning sky and Berdly’s panicked face looking down at them.
They can’t hear clearly. Berdly says something about passing out.
There is a deep ache in their chest and the blood in their veins runs cold, they feel their grip on their body rapidly slipping away. Everything feels off its axis, this definitely isn’t right.
Berdly still there when they regain consciousness and she has this horrified look on her face which alone was enough to make them feel bad for letting it go this far. They stayed for another hour at the river, and Kris knew they were pushing it, every minute that passed they would ask Berdly’s to talk about something more. He was torn between just waiting around for them to wake up or just dragging them the rest of the way.
Kris blinks. Their bangs are swept away from their forehead and red eyes look up to the moon that shines in the lenses of Berdly’s glasses. “Kris!” She exclaims with relief that slumps his whole body. “You…?! I noticed you looked a little sick, but I didn’t think you would just fall like that! What just happened-“
Kris says nothing. They grab her hand. It’s a weak grip, but they force themselves to sit up from the concrete.
Berdly looks down and starts to stammer. “Uh- Okay... So you’re… fine? Let’s head back to your place.” She quickly shakes his hand out of their hold, quickly regretting it seeing how Kris frowns.
“…If you must, you can lean on me for support, if you’d stoop so low to show your weakness to me!” Berdly forces a laugh, but doesn’t expect it when Kris actually does so.
They make it to the house with their combined efforts, and by the time they reach the first steps they’re both thoroughly worn out, yet Toriel is already waiting, imposing on the front door. There’s a sweeter smell that wafts in from the kitchen and a light that shines against her back.
“What did you do?”
“Me?” Berdly squawks. The look on Toriel's face is enough to make him feel scrutinized. “I don’t know what happened!”
Kris suddenly stands up straight, no longer leaning their weight against Berdly, and they sluggishly step past the door and into the house. Berdly tries to reach out and walk them the rest of the way but Toriel stands firmly in place.
Kris makes it past the living room. Past the kitchen. The fresh, not-burned pie doesn't catch their attention, they don’t have an appetite for it.
The bathroom door closes and then locks. They turn the sink on. Over the sound of running water, there is a frantic exchange going on in the living room, as Toriel interrogates Berdly and he tries to explain what happened, as if he knows anything either.
Kris collapses on the floor and shuts their eyes, listening to the spout hiss.
There were few embraces that Kris felt safe in, but that of the grime on the bathroom floor, and those cold tiles that their body rested against so perfectly was always something familiar, something they always came back to- Back turned to the cupboard, dismissive of the contents inside which made the wooden hinges tremble.
The voices quiet down. Then, everything else seems to quiet down too. There’s static in their bones and static in their ears. The butterflies have died and rattle in the hollow void.
It takes a lot of strength to stand back up. They stare at themselves in the mirror. The bags beneath their eyes heavy, their cheeks a sickly shade. Their acne ridden face and chapped lips. Kris had laughed so much that the skin cracked.
Kris wonders if this is what they’re meant to look like. If this is their real self. They felt happy, but could only have autonomy for so long. They find themselves missing who they were. Maybe their old self was their real self then, but they can never know. Now those pieces are gone. Kris is not just themselves now. Their body, a soul, pieces scattered across different worlds and different peoples memories, rattling the bars of a locked cage.
They weakly reach for the cupboard.
-
It’s a slight surprise to see Berdly sitting on their bed, he somehow managed to convince Toriel to let him stay inside. There's quiet noises that come from the switch that lays flat on his lap, one hand holds the console, the other lays limp on his side.
Too entranced in the game- or, too focused on figuring out how to play it in the first place- Berdly doesn’t look up from the screen, doesn’t hear the door click and their steps. Kris sits themselves right beside him, wordlessly reaching for the switch.
“What are you doing?”
Berdly’s worst fear had become a reality. Or, partial reality. With a weak arm, how long until Kris could usurp him and become a better gamer than him?!
But no, Kris doesn’t take the console. They just let their hand linger on the left joycon.
There was never a lack of Berdly’s usual banter, but this time he’s stunned into silence. He is no less passionate in games, but it doesn’t feel the same when they can’t actually compete. His skill in games was where his sense of pride resided, and that had greatly diminished.
Kris thinks the opposite. What he did was selfless. He would never know that.
Kris leans their head on Berdly’s shoulder, he finally moves over to give them more room, albeit begrudgingly.
“So what, what do you think this is supposed to do?” He scoffs. Her thumb circles the buttons without pressing down on any. Kris moves the joystick around and Berdly presses a few buttons, shooting bullets sporadically. “Our coordination could never match up to…”
Kris turns their head and raises an eyebrow. Berdlys eyes light up with their usual spark, whenever they presented him a challenge.
“Fine. As long as you can keep up with me, which is no easy feat! You can’t rely on dumb luck!” Berdly smirks. “You just sit back Kris, while I do all the work!”
Kris is already moving the joystick forward and jumping them straight into battle, moving the character around as Berdly frantically presses buttons, issuing fatal combo attacks to the enemy. It wasn’t very coordinated, they died a few times, but the skill steadily comes back.
His leg bounces rapidly against the floor and he leans more and more into Kris as he gets lost in the game. By the time the enemy is defeated, Berdly is grinning, with a satisfaction they haven’t seen since the last time he beat them in-
“Kris, you know you actually have to look at the screen to play, right?”
They blinked and were met with Berdly looking directly at them. Kris glances down at the switch. Right. The game. Berdly noticed their staring.
Kris wordlessly flops backwards on the bed and covers their face with a nearby pillow.
Berdly sighs and sets the switch to the side. “Kris, alas, I’ve been proven wrong. Maybe you aren’t dumb… ALL the time. It’s hard to lose when you’re on a team with me, huh?” He peels the pillow from their face and thinks the dust of color on their cheek must just be the lighting.
Home? Kris turns on their side, and signs to him.
“I… Uh- No, I’m staying. For a little.” Berdly doesn’t seem like she was expecting that question. She pulls at the collar of his shirt and looks to his feet. “I wanted to be sure you were okay?? Do you think I'd just leave?? Unless you really wanted me to.”
Kris reaches out, taking her hand which was resting on the bed.
“So that’s a… No?”
Kris flicks him with their other hand.
“Ow! I get it, okay!”
Berdly, unsure, lays down with them. His thumb runs against the back of Kris’ palm, and doesn’t bring up how tightly they’re gripping it. Kris has the urge to pluck out some of his feathers.
Thanks.
“Yeah, sure.”
Berdly is aware of the awkward silence. The fact that Kris is really close and he can’t dare look at anything but the ceiling, decorated in those stick-on stars that glow in the dark, because if he turned his beak would probably touch Kris face.
“Do you want to… play another round?”
No reply. Kris shuffles closer. Too close.
“Maybe I should go, it’s getting late-“ But he just said he would stay.
Kris suddenly presses a kiss to his cheek, clumsy and rougher than it was probably meant to be. Their heads nearly bump together from how quickly Kris leans in and how Berdly practically shoots up out of shock. The mattress creaks loudly.
“Did you just??? Kris???”
Berdly scrambles back and the bed frame that hits his back is the only thing that keeps him from falling on the floor.
Did you not like it? Kris draws their lips in a thin line and looks disappointed.
“ No- “ She yells. “But why?!”
Kris shushes him with a finger to their lips and Berdly’s beak shuts with a clack.
I wanted to .
“Oh and you can just- do whatever you want huh?” Berdly’s voice had risen a few octaves, trembling uncontrollably.
You’re shaking.
Berdly covers her face. “Because of you. Do you like making a fool of me?!”
When she peeks past her feathers, he sees Kris next to her again, scratching the side of their neck, equally as embarrassed.
Can we try again?
“ Please.”
This time, Berdly doesn’t freak out, even when her heart is hammering out of her chest because Kris leans closer and closer. The expression is unexplainable- really concentrated, frustrated, maybe?- something makes their hands hesitate as fingers come to bury themselves in her cheek feathers, and pull her closer.
Berdly smiles, even though he can’t feel the sensation of Kris’ lips to the side of his cheek.
-
Berdly stands just outside their bedroom door and his foot is bouncing again. Wow, what an interesting… house plant. He’s been staring at it for a while. It sure is a house plant.
“Uh, see- see you tomorrow?” Berdly fumbles with the door handle and Kris gives her a double thumbs up. “Then it’s a plan! Just text me and- yeah…” Okay, he should stop looking at the house plant. “Goodnight!” Berdly says way louder than she means to, flashing a smile at Kris and slamming the door shut, way louder than she intended to.
Kris presses their ear to the door and hears Toriel reprimanding him until he reaches the front door, where he curtly apologizes before bolting away and running towards his house. Toriel sighs deeply and everything else falls silent to deaf ears.
On their calendar, they write a reminder to get that new game.