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“—as if you could’ve done better! I was more than capable of handling it alone!”
Heads turned over at the increasingly aggravated voices, but upon realizing who it was, they turned back to their own conversations.
“I could see how well you were handling it. Of course, General Ju Yang is man enough to do everything on his own, despite the fact he was clearly struggling with that demon.”
Fights between the South Generals was not a new development and by now the other heavenly officials were more than used to them. It wasn’t even worth the gossip anymore.
“Why, you—?! As if I’d ever need the Sweeping General’s help!” General Nan Yang bristled, already incensed beyond measure. “You were just trying to steal all the glory!”
General Xuan Zhen’s eyes darkened. “What’s your fucking problem?! You’ve been so insufferable these last few weeks! Would it kill you to be grateful for once in your fucking life?!”
“Grateful for what?! Your fucking meddling?! Your shit insults?! Your trying to steal my followers?!”
“Steal your followers?! What the fuck?” Mu Qing stopped for a second, glaring daggers at the other. “Are you frustrated because you haven’t gotten laid? Why don’t you go fuck a woman to see if that improves your shitty humor.”
The last comment wasn’t a new one either, though it was a recent addition to the list of insults the Generals hurled at each other. One that was born recently after the discovery of General Nan Yang’s involvement with a ghost lady and his bastard child.
Feng Xin’s face immediately changed to one of disgust. “The fuck, that’s disgusting as hell! Why would you even suggest that?!”
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “How can you even say that when you literally got a woman pregnant.” He waved a hand in clear dismissal, already too tired of the conversation. “Whatever, I’m fucking done here. When you remember your manners, you can come to thank me at my palace.”
The fights between the Generals was a very common occurrence. What wasn’t, was the way the fights didn’t escalate to fist fights anymore. Rather, one of the two Generals would drop out of the conversation before it could escalate further. It seemed this time it was General Xuan Zhen the one to drop out first.
Feng Xin only seemed madder at Mu Qing’s dismissal, but he didn’t try to engage or stop the other from leaving. Instead, he huffed angrily and turned the other way, taking the long path to reach his own palace.
Before he could reach his palace however, he noticed that the doors from the Palace of Xian Le were slightly ajar. It was a rare occurrence for the Crown Prince of Xian Le to be in the Heavens, especially now that his residence was down with his husband. It was even weirder for the doors to be open. If anything, one could only know if the Crown Prince was present when directly seen or heard, since the palace doors were always closed.
Feng Xin stood in front of the open doors for several minutes, debating on whether to enter or not. The truth was, he had been meaning to talk to Xie Lian for some time now, but he didn’t want to risk facing Crimson Rain Sought Flower. The conversation he wanted to have with Xie Lian was one he wasn’t comfortable sharing with anyone else.
Taking a deep breath, Feng Xin decided to enter. If Crimson Rain was present, he could always leave. Besides, it wouldn’t do harm to check on Xie Lian. Who knows in what kind of situations he had been getting himself into.
As he entered the palace, he began noticing that the once white walls were now blooming with colors. Finished and half-finished art pieces were painted directly on the walls, extremely intricate and beautiful. Admittedly, he hadn’t entered the Xian Le Palace in a very long time, but he was sure he would've noticed this change if it wasn’t a recent development. There didn’t seem to be a specific subject in the murals so far, but he felt the art was familiar, extremely so.
When he approached the end of the main hall and faced the biggest mural on it, he realized why it was so familiar.
A huge mural of the Flower Crowned Martial God stared at him. The amount of detail in the painting was almost overwhelming. He could almost see the delicate robes moving with the wind, or the petals falling from the flower in the god’s hand, or the dangerous glint of the silver sword. Only one person was obsessed enough to make such a detailed and realistic painting.
The thought almost made him want to gag.
“Feng Xin! I wasn’t expecting to see you— oh! Are you admiring San Lang’s work?” A gentle voice called, unbridled pride clear in it.
Feng Xin wanted really badly to give his old friend a deadpan look, but Xie Lian sounded genuinely happy and he deserved nice things, even if those nice things came from his obsessed husband. So instead, he cooled his expression into something less disgusted and attempted to give a polite smile.
Xie Lian’s exasperatedly fond look said that he didn’t succeed that well. Oh well.
Clearing his throat, Feng Xin quickly changed the topic. “Dianxia, it’s good to see you. Have you been doing well?”
Xie Lian gracefully allowed him to change the topic. “I’ve been doing well, Feng Xin. You know you don’t have to call me that.”
“Dianxia will always be Dianxia, no matter what.” Feng Xin argued. He had failed in many ways, but on this he would never falter.
Xie Lian smiled, a hint of nostalgia and sadness in it. He looked up at the mural, admiring the intricate work with quiet affection before asking, “Would you like some tea? It’s been a while since we last talked.”
“Ah,” Feng Xin hesitated, looking unsure.
“San Lang is not here. He went back to deal with a matter in Ghost City. It should take him a while still.”
Feng Xin tried really hard to not let his relief be shown in his face. “If that’s the case, I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea.”
Xie Lian hid a smile behind a sleeve, obviously knowing the truth. He motioned for Feng Xin to follow him into a side room, where a low table and a set of tea was already waiting for them. Xie Lian sat down at one end of the table, inviting Feng Xin to sit directly in front of him as he poured tea in two cups.
Feng Xin sat down and folded his hands where Xie Lian couldn’t see them twitch. It still felt weird to have Xie Lian serve them, even if it had become pretty common by now. The part of him that was still that young bodyguard blanched at the thought of his Crown Prince doing something so mundane and beneath his station. Yet, the old, ragged part of him knew that Xie Lian had changed. They all did. Their relationship wasn’t the same as before. For one, it was much better to be friends when they didn’t have to worry about rules or stations.
Xie Lian passed him the cup of tea, a soft smile still in place. Feng Xin had noticed that these smiles seemed more and more genuine with every interaction they had. It really gave him a warm and hopeful feeling.
“So, how have you been?” Xie Lian started, taking a sip of his own tea. “Anything new has happened?”
“Well, I just got back from a mission.” Feng Xin started, yet his expression darkened at the thought of his previous fight. “But Mu Qing got in the way, as always. He arrived as I was finishing the demon, claiming that I needed his help. As if.”
Xie Lian laughed softly, a bit strained, already used to these kind of conversations. “But getting help isn’t a bad thing? Even if you were already dealing with the demon, Mu Qing’s help would’ve ensured that everything just went more smoothly. Even if it didn’t feel like it was necessary, it’s always good to know someone has your back.”
Feng Xin looked away, scowling. Of course he knew this. He knew he was acting irrationally and that he shouldn’t be mad from receiving Mu Qing’s help. They’re already past that. He shouldn’t be struggling so much after so many years working on their strained friendship.
“I don’t want to talk about that.” He sighed, turning back to Xie Lian. “To be honest, I wished to speak with Dianxia about something else.”
Xie Lian tilted his head to the side, curious.
“There’s this thing…” Feng Xin started, suddenly nervous. “How do I explain it…? Well, I… Can— Can I ask Dianxia a very forward and uncomfortable question?”
“Of course. You can ask me anything, Feng Xin. I’m not sure I’ll be able to reply, but if it’s bothering you, I’d like to hear what it is.” Xie Lian replied, reaching a hand towards Feng Xin and placing it on top of his when there wasn’t a sign of rejection.
Feng Xin took comfort in the gesture. Even if their friendship was still a somewhat new, raw thing, he was infinitely grateful to have this. Xie Lian’s affection was a treasure among the three realms and he truly counted himself lucky to be able to receive it despite everything. Besides, he doesn’t think he could actually ask what he needs to ask if Xie Lian showed any sort of negative feelings.
Quietly, tentatively, Feng Xin asked, “How… How did you know it was him?”
Xie Lian looked confused, incomprehension in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question?”
Feng Xin looked down, gritting his teeth. “How did you know you… you were in love with him ?”
Understanding flickered in Xie Lian’s eyes. “Ah. How did I know I fell in love with San Lang? Mmmh.” He thought about it for a second, tapping his chin with a finger. “I guess, it was a gradual thing? The more time I spent with San Lang, the more I wanted to be with him.”
“Were you… attracted that way to him? From the beginning?” Feng Xin asked, more quietly this time.
“Attracted?” Xie Lian parroted. He tilted his head side to side. “Sexually, you mean?”
Feng Xin almost choked with his spit, growing incredibly red at Xie Lian’s bold question. Sure, this was exactly what he was asking, but Xie Lian didn’t have to be so nonchalant about it!
“Ah, sorry, sorry!” Xie Lian chuckled, slightly embarrassed himself. “I wasn’t sure if this was what you were asking, but I assumed as such since I doubt you’d ask me how to identify if you’ve fallen in love when you already experienced that.”
Feng Xin’s expression turned complicated at that. “I guess, that makes sense.”
“Is this…” Xie Lian hesitated, but decided to continue when Feng Xin didn’t interrupt him. “... Is this about Mu Qing?”
He prepared for the loud denial, the screaming and cursing that was sure to follow. Instead, everything he got was a quiet, painstaked,
“Yes.”
Xie Lian widened his eyes, stunned beyond measure. “Okay, wow, huh, I was not expecting that. At least not without some fighting or screaming.”
Feng Xin bristled, placing his head on his hand and looking away once more. “I wouldn’t fucking ask you if I wasn’t ready to work through my feelings.”
“Hahaha, yes, that makes sense.” Xie Lian laughed nervously. He stared at the other for some time, considering. “If you already know how you feel, then why are you asking me? Do you think I’ll know if he returns your feelings?”
“No, that’s not it. I don’t expect you to ask for me either.” Feng Xin said, a frown overtaking his features. “It’s just… I’m not sure if it’s real love or just me being used to being around him all the time.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t…” He made the same complicated expression from before. “I don’t feel that way for him... Isn’t that strange?” He added in a murmur.
“Oh. Oh .” Xie Lian grasped both of his hands now, gaining the other’s attention. “Feng Xin, no, that’s not strange at all. Sexual interest and romantic interest is not the same thing.”
“It’s just, with Jian Lan things were… different.”
Xie Lian shook his head, squeezing his friend’s hands in reassurance. “It doesn’t have to be the same way. For me, with San Lang, it was different too. I didn’t feel attracted to him sexually when we met. In fact, I had never felt that way for anyone before. But after San Lang and I got closer, the more time I spent with him, the more I began feeling that attraction. And even now, sometimes, I still don’t feel it. That doesn’t mean I love San Lang any less.”
“It was like that for me, with Jian Lan.” Feng Xin admitted. “When we met, she was already a… a sexual worker. I don’t know what was the first thing that got my attention, but we didn’t have sex at first. In fact, I would pay for her night and we’d spend it talking and getting to know each other. I only slept with her after… only once or twice at most.”
“Yes, and you didn’t love her any less even if you weren’t sexually attracted to her at first. So, you see, it has nothing to do with romantic feelings.”
“But I felt it once, shouldn’t I feel it again? After all this time, isn’t it about time I experience that? Instead, now, just the thought of it makes me feel...” Feng Xin locked his jaw, looking as if he had eaten something rotten. “It’s disgusting. It makes my skin crawl and it doesn’t make sense . And if I truly have these, these feelings for him, shouldn’t he attract me that way? Shouldn’t it make my blood boil or something?”
Xie Lian sighed, knowing how hard it was to understand these feelings. “Look at Mu Qing. Mu Qing has never been interested in sexual things. Do you think he’d never be able to experience love?”
“As if someone would ever fall in love with him.” Feng Xin snorted.
Xie Lian stared, politely not mentioning the very fact that he was admitting to being in love with Mu Qing. “Right.”
“Besides, that’s because of his cultivation. Mu Qing would rather die than give up his cultivation.” Feng Xin amended.
“Feng Xin, do you really think it’s only because of his cultivation? Haven’t you considered that, perhaps, he chose that cultivation out of the many others that existed because of the way he felt?” After a few seconds of Feng Xin’s silence, Xie Lian continued, “It’s not my place to say, so you’d have to ask Mu Qing about it, but I like to think I knew the two of you pretty well back then and, well, Mu Qing hasn’t really changed that much, at least not in that aspect.”
Feng Xin rolled his eyes, doing a very good imitation of their subject of conversation. Maybe Mu Qing was rubbing off on him. “Even if he does feel that way, it doesn’t mean he has ever had romantic feelings for anyone. In fact, I really doubt he has.”
Xie Lian couldn’t hold back a snort. “Really? Where were you when Mu Qing had that awful big crush on that one soldier at camp?”
“What soldier?” Feng Xin asked, suddenly irritated.
“Wait, you really didn’t know?” Xie Lian asked, amused. “Mu Qing wouldn’t stop sighing every time he saw that soldier. I think he even talked about him so much because he was so smitten he wanted to get him a promotion.”
Feng Xin made another disgusted face. “I don’t remember that happening.”
“Ah, that can’t be true! Even I remember that!” Xie Lian insisted.
Feng Xin thought about it, trying to remember if such an event actually happened, but his mind came up blank. However, he knew Xie Lian wouldn’t lie to him, especially not with the serious conversation they were having.
“The point is! Mu Qing has experienced romantic feelings, even if he hasn’t felt sexual attraction. And it’s not just Mu Qing! During my travels I met people like this as well! Of course, wether these people choose to engage in sexual acts or not is up to each individual. My point is,” Xie Lian squeezed his hands again, an honest and gentle expression on his face, “talk to him. Tell him how you feel, both romantically and sexually. Come to a compromise and talk about boundaries. I cannot guarantee it’ll go smoothly or that he’ll even return your feelings, but, well, it’s worth a shot, right?”
Feng Xin stared at his friend. He knew Xie Lian would give him sound advice, which was the reason why he had come in the first place. And Xie Lian was right. If he talked it out with Mu Qing, maybe things would be okay. Maybe Mu Qing felt the same way he did and it wouldn’t have to be awkward or uncomfortable for either of them.
He huffed, shaking his head. “When did you become so shameless, Dianxia? Talking about all of this with a straight face when you used to get so flustered before.”
“Ah, hahaha, don’t say that, Feng Xin!” Xie Lian laughed, mirth in his eyes. “I’ve just grown too old, that’s all, that’s all.”
The sound of doors closing alerted them of another presence within the palace. Steps accompanied by jingling bells were followed by a cry of:
“Gege!”
Xie Lian’s face lightened up. “In here, San Lang!”
Crimson Rain Sought Flower entered the room, his face one of genuine love and affection. His face changed, however, when he noticed someone else was in the room. Holding his husband’s hands. (It was the other way around, but details.)
“Oh? I didn’t know gege was having visitors.” Hua Cheng said with a dangerous glint in his eye.
Feng Xin displayed his inner Mu Qing by rolling his eyes again. “I was just leaving.” He turned to Xie Lian and blatantly squeezed his hands to further aggravate Hua Cheng. “Thank you for the tea, Dianxia. It was pleasant talking to you.”
Xie Lian chuckled. Feeling especially evil, he squeezed back. “No, thank you for visiting! And thank you for trusting me with this.” He added with a heartfelt smile. “If you need to talk about this again, you can come to me, okay?”
Feng Xin smiled back. Even if he felt exposed and raw at having told Xie Lian all of this, he knew he could trust his friend. He knew Xie Lian would be there for him if he needed, just as he’d be there for him.
“Well, I’m leaving before your husband decides to have my head.” He said, reluctantly letting go of Xie Lian’s hands.
“Don’t worry about him, he’s all bark and no bite.” Xie Lian waved it off with a giggle.
“Gege!” Hua Cheng gasped, betrayed.
“Right.” Feng Xin knew exactly how much bite Hua Cheng was capable of and he knew better than to test the waters further. He stood, his tea practically untouched, and bowed respectfully to Xie Lian before leaving the room.
As he was leaving, he heard the other two exchange some words.
“Gege, what was he doing here?”
“It was nothing, San Lang. Just giving some advice.”
“Mhm... Well, it’s true gege does give some very sound advice.”
Feng Xin shook his head at that. Yeah, Xie Lian really did give very sound advice.