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She dropped back on her elbows, the puff of air leaving her mouth almost lifting some of the weight from her chest.
I’m so tired, she realized, and with that her body couldn’t hold her up anymore and she let herself drop back onto the pillow. Tears mixed into her already addled vision and the ceiling swirled around her, the popcorn stucco making shapes that slightly resembled chains and guns. Her breathing kicked up a bit, and over the sound of her lungs she heard soft feet padding towards her.
Jay’s hand found her shoulder and the warmth from it made her shut her eyes tightly, almost begging him with her body language to leave. Stay. But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your love.
“Hailey… I’m not leaving you.” Jay’s voice carried into her mind, and as she opened her eyes to find worried green ones staring back at her, she realized she had said those words aloud.
“Jay…” she started, but he just squeezed her shoulder a bit tighter, so she stopped, the tears in her eyes doing the opposite.
“I’m gonna take a quick shower, okay? Five minutes, and I’ll be right back.” He gave her a smile, reminiscent of the one he flashed her when she said yes. Yes I will.
He left the room into their bathroom, but left the door open a crack. She heard him turn on the shower, the clank of his watch on the counter, the sound of the hamper opening and closing and the creak of their cupboard as he grabbed a towel. Finally she sat up, spots lining her vision from the change in altitude, and found herself sliding to the floor, her spine bumping against their bed frame as she sat herself down. She pulled her legs closer to her chest and just listened to her own heartbeat tick up, faster and slower and faster and slower. She looked at the clock on the nightstand, counting sixty seconds for every minute, and at the four and a half minute mark Jay reappeared, towel drying his hair, clad only in sweatpants.
He looked down at her and smiled. “Is that my hoodie?”
She mimicked him and looked down at herself, letting out a small chuckle as she did so. She had forgotten what shirt she had put on. “It smelled like you.”
With a small grunt he sat down next to her on the floor, shoulders touching just barely. Taking her left hand from around her leg, he intertwined it in his own left hand, and with his right he snaked it around her shoulders and tugged her gently to him, so her head would rest on his shoulder. His skin was cool, either from the shower or his outing, she wasn’t sure. She could just make out his freckles in the night light, committing them to memory so this night wouldn’t have only bad memories.
“Voight’s gun wasn’t holstered properly,” Hailey began, swallowing thickly, “I...I tried to stop him just as yo-you and Kev found Burgess. I sent Adam home, he needed to be there for Makayla. I knew Voight gave us the checked-out locations. I-I knew he didn’t want me there…”
She shuddered, but Jay just pulled her closer to him, began drawing circles on her shoulder. The silence let her regain her bearings and she continued.
“He yelled at me. He-he yelled and told me this didn’t concern me but it did Jay, it did. Because we- I-I mean you, found Kim without crossing any lines. He didn’t call it in, Jay. So he holstered his gun and walked over to Walton and...and Walton, he took the gun. I told him to drop i-it. But he didn’t.”
Her eyes glazed over, losing focus on the room around them, finding herself watching Voight and Walton fight over the gun. She saw the muzzle of her own gun from over her shoulder, her own voice ringing out saying to drop it!. With a double bang she jumped back into awareness, the glaziness of her eyes giving way to tears streaming down her cheeks and Jay’s voice murmuring soft words to her. She couldn’t make out the words, the gunshot still ringing in her ears. His grip in her left hand matched the tightness of her own grip, and his right hand was now rubbing circles into her back as she instinctively curled in towards him.
“I’m n-no better than V-Voight...am I? No better than my own parents, k-keeping secrets, hiding every-everything from everyone.” She hiccupped on a sob and shut her eyes, not wanting to see the good, sweet man holding her close.
“No Hailey...Babe...It was a good shoot. Voight left his gun within reach of a known killer. This is Policing 101. You may have pulled the trigger, but Voight made this whole situation happen. This isn’t on you.” His voice cut through some of the fog in Hailey’s mind, and she realized the gravity of what he said.
“He...He left his gun within reach. He did this to me. He made me keep quiet, he-he knew I would come, and if not me, then Adam, oh Adam…” she trailed off as her breathing kicked up again.
“Hails-” Jay started, but he was cut off by her wiggling out of his grasp and standing up, albeit wobbling a bit before beginning to pace. As she moved around the room, Hailey’s mind began to spin.
I killed Roy.
It could’ve been Adam.
We almost lost Kim.
I killed a man. No.
Voight killed a man.
“Hailey-”
Voight hid the body.
Voight knew I would come.
Voight knew his gun was there.
I should’ve told Jay.
“Babe, babe you’re shaking.”
I should’ve said something, anything.
I can’t take it. I can’t take it. I can’t take it.
“I can’t take it!” Hailey yelled, and would’ve dropped to her knees had Jay not caught her, holding her in his arms, her body flush to his, as her lungs got a second wind and panic began encroaching her whole body, her limbs stiffening.
“Hey...Hey Hailey. Deep breathing with me, okay?” Jay took in exaggerated breaths so she would match him, and after about thirty seconds Hailey’s body stopped fighting him, and they stood there for a while, matching each other’s breathing. Jay’s whole body held up Hailey’s as the sounds of the city outside their window fell away. Jay just continued to hold on to her, almost crushing her to his chest as her arms dangled limply at his sides, her body spent.
He rested his chin on the top of her head, and as her cheek pressed into his chest, she felt a drip of something collapse into her hair, either water from his shower or tears, she wasn’t quite sure.
Once her breathing had been stable for at least five minutes, she pulled away from him, staring with glassy eyes into his own teary ones, and that’s where she found her answer. Shakily, she raised a hand to wipe the track left on his cheek with her thumb, and he closed his eyes, leaning slightly into her touch. As her hand dropped away, without opening his eyes, he dropped his forehead down to touch Hailey’s. They stood there for a long moment, and with a sigh Hailey closed her eyes, breathing in his presence.
“C’mere”, he said finally, and she opened her eyes to Jay tugging her hand lightly, pulling her to the bed.
They sat down on the mattress side by side, and Jay let his hand rest on her knee. She looked down at it, and frowned, picking his hand up and turning it over on her own, inspecting it.
“You punched him, didn’t you,” Hailey stated more than asked, an eyebrow raising at him. At Jay’s ducked head and quiet mirthless chuckle, she dropped his hand back in his lap and stood up, walking over to their bathroom to grab the first-aid kit out of the medicine cabinet. Once she returned, she popped open the box and laid out gauze, antiseptic, and a wrap on the bed next to them. She held her hand out and his dropped into it without fight.
“I’m so sorry it led to this Jay,” Hailey began, as she dabbed cleanser on his knuckles, hearing his short intake of breath as she did so, “I never wanted to hurt you, and I guess I hurt you more by trying not to.”
“I want you to be able to trust me, Hailey. You’ve made it this far without holding anyone too close, but I’m not gonna let you do that to me, not anymore. We’re going to get through this, together. No more jamming each other up, okay?” Jay looked at her as she wrapped his knuckles and waited for her to look him in the eye and nod before continuing, “I know I’m not perfect, you’ve had to save me quite a few times, I almost died the last time. But no more. Not as we start this new chapter, not as we fall in love more and more.”
Hailey breathed in sharply, “new chapter? Does this mean...”
“Yes, Hailey. I’m not leaving you, and I’ll tell you that until you believe it. We need to learn to trust each other, and we’ve got our whole future ahead to look forward to with that. I want to marry you, Hails. Maybe not right now, while we work through this, but once we get through this storm, I will marry you faster than you can even say I do.”
Hailey’s breathy chuckle was the first sign of happiness Jay had seen in her in a long time, and so he smiled in return. She had finished wrapping his knuckles by that point, and with a cursory flex of the fingers and a small wince, he kissed her on the forehead as a thank you.
“Now, we both need sleep,” Hailey’s eyes widened at that, obviously afraid that she’ll be awake, all alone with her insomnia for the rest of the night. Jay took her hand in his bandaged one and continued, “so I’ll hold you. I’ll hold you until you fall asleep and I’ll make sure you’re okay. But Hails, you need sleep, and the sun’s just barely over the horizon, so we should at least try.”
He was right, as the sunlight drew fine lines of orange and yellow into the bedroom. She yawned and nodded, and they both got the bed ready, a habit they could do with their eyes closed at this point, and crawled in, snuggling up to one another.
After a few minutes, Hailey’s breathing evened out and as Jay’s eyes slid closed, holding her, he knew he made the right decision in coming home and talking to Hailey that night. So he held onto the love of his life and fell into a peaceful sleep.
----
When Hailey woke up in the morning, she rolled over to reach out for Jay but came up with a cold bed. She was alone. Her breathing halted for a second before she saw the note resting on his pillow.
Hails. Intelligence was called to a crime scene, meet up whenever you’re awake. Address is in your phone, muffin and coffee sitting on the counter for you.
J
She smiled at the little gesture. As she got up and got ready for the day, she looked in the mirror, seeing a shadow of her former self that hadn’t been there the night before, and a little less redness under her eyes. It would take a while, but she and Jay would be good. They always will be, no matter how long it takes to get there.