Work Text:
~*The Blog and the Skater*~
Fri 13 Jun
Hey guys! Long time no see ^_^
Don’t worry, I’m still alive. I was just in Hasetsu for the week visiting my good friend Yuuri!!
This week was CRAZY. It started off pretty normal, though. I stayed at his family’s hot springs (his family is the best btw) and yes, I FINALLY got to try their legendary katsudon. Spoiler alert:
[img desc: a distorted picture of a Collie dog standing on asphalt. The caption is poorly edited to read “YUURI wasn’t lying, that KATSUDON can EROS”]
But then things got weird. Me and Yuuri were chilling in his room, and he was showing me his full collection of Viktor Nikiforov posters (which I definitely didn’t get him to do by taking a pic of the poster pile and threatening to post it 😅), when I noticed a ~mysterious~ cassette tape lying on the floor. For some reason, Yuuri REALLY didn’t wanna let me hear it, but shhhh I smuggled it out of his room and transcribed it while everyone was sleeping 🙈
So here ya go, guys! I present to you, Ghost Adventures: on ICE — The Lost Tapes. Let me know if you ~belieeeeeeeve~ in the comments! XD
Love,
Phichit <3
P.S. Disembodied voices labeled for your convenience:
K - Kinda familiar
V - Very cool
Y - Yells a lot
O - Oh hey there’s a fourth guy?
///////
[CLICK]
K: Hi! Yuuri Katsuki here, and this is— no, that sucked. Hold on.
[TAPE STATIC]
[CLICK]
K: Hi! Yuuri Katsuki here, and you’re watching— wait, no.
[TAPE STATIC]
[CLICK]
K: Hi! Yuuri Katsuki here—
Y: Oh my god, are you seriously gonna do that every time?
K: Sorry, I just figured it would help identify the tapes if they ever get found somewhere—
Y: They’ll get found by Makkachin in the garbage. This whole thing is stupid. We better be out of here by 8 or I’ll—
V: And I’m Viktor Nikiforov! Welcome to Ghost Adventures: On ICE!
K: Wait, Otabek didn’t get to talk!
O: It’s fine.
K: No, we’ll just start over. This one was a mess, anyway.
Y: Katsuki, I’m going to rip your—
[TAPE STATIC]
[CLICK]
K: Alright, you remember the order?
Y: What do you take me for, a goldfish?
O: We’re rolling.
K: Oh oops, my b—
V: Hello! I’m your host, Viktor Nikiforov, and this is Ghost Adventures: On ICE!
[SILENCE]
K: [WHISPERING] Yurio. Play the clip.
Y: Huh? Oh.
[FIRST FEW NOTES OF “ON LOVE” BUT IN A SPOOKY GHOST SOUNDFONT]
V: Today, I have with me three very special guests: the impeccable Yuri Plisetsky,
[CROWD CHEERING SOUND]
V: the delectable Yuuri Katsuki,
[TOILET FLUSHING SOUND]
K: [WHISPERING] Wrong clip!
V: —and the ever-elusive Otabek Altin.
Y: Really? That’s the best you could do?
V: Yes, he’s our good luck charm! If we can capture a creature as mysterious as he, we can capture any entity known to man!
Y: Okay, are you kidding? He’s literally standing right here.
O: It’s fine.
K: Can you just play the clip please.
[REALLY LOUD CROWD CHEERING SOUND]
K: Hey, hey! Not so close to the mic!
Y: Hmph.
[CROWD CHEERING SOUND QUIETS]
V: Right now, we’re in the locker room at Sports Champions Club in St. Petersburg, Russia. According to an ancient Russian legend, if you arrive here just before dawn, you can hear a tortured spirit wailing, lamenting lost love and the fact that he has to get up so early to train.
Y: That’s just Georgi.
V: It’s also been said that if you wait long enough, the wailing will pass, and you can then enter the bathroom to find odd, black-and-white streaks all across the basin of the leftmost sink.
Y: That’s his makeup. He has to do it twice every morning because he cries it all off the first time.
K: Our current theory is that these are ghost tracks — residue left at the site where the ghost transcends from the physical plane to the metaphysical plane.
Y: I hate all of you.
K: Today, we’re gonna try to tap into the energy at this site, and forge a connection between our bodies and the spiritual realm.
Y: I’m going home. [FOOTSTEPS]
V: Otabek, that’s your cue~!
[MORE FOOTSTEPS]
Y: Hey! What are you—
[MUFFLED YELLING, RUSTLING, GRUNTING, SCUFFING]
V: Thank you, Otabek. Welcome back, Yurio. I hope you understand the commitment you’ve made now.
Y: Whatever. [SOMEHOW, THE SOUND OF BLUSHING]
V: Now, let’s have another word from our senior ghostology correspondent, the patently irresistible Yuuri Katsuki. Yuuri, tell me, what exactly is the plan?
K: Okay, so in order to access the spirit world, we have to deactivate the telenergetic field the ghost has left around that sink. And to do that, we have to perform the Ritual of Deenergization. We went over this many times this morning, so if you were paying attention and not just scrolling through Instagram, you should already know what to do.
Y: [AS IF STICKING TONGUE OUT] Blehh.
K: But just in case, I’ll explain it again.
V: Ooh, I love it when you talk technical.
K: First, Viktor will shut the door and get the lights. Then, he’ll grab onto the doorknob, since telenergy travels through metal. Then he and I will join hands,
Y: Gross.
K: and I’ll grab the metal stall frame with my other hand for extra charge. Both of my hands will be occupied, so I’ll have to lift a leg for Otabek to hold onto,
Y: Gross.
K: and then Otabek, we should have enough charge by then, so you can just join hands with Yurio. [EXPECTANT PAUSE]
[SILENCE]
V: [SNORTS]
K: Uh, and then Yurio, this is the most important part, okay? Since you’re the smallest, you’re gonna be our link between planes.
Y: I’m literally the same height as Otabek.
V: They grow up so fast :,)
K: All you have to do is hold onto the faucet of the haunted sink!
Y: Fine, whatever. Can we start now?
K: But, uh, I just remembered that telenergetic fields can stabilize if they touch ground, meaning you can’t be touching the floor when it deactivates, so you can’t be standing on it, so, uh, you’ll have to lie across the sinks.
[SILENCE]
Y: …I just hope nobody out there has to piss.
V: Alright!! [CLAPS TWICE] Places, everyone!
[LOTS OF NOISES, SHUFFLING ABOUT, GRUNTING, GIGGLING, GRUMBLING, BANGING, CLATTERING, YELPING, ETC.]
Y: Ow.
K: [BREATHING HEAVILY] Okay, nice! Great job, guys!
V: Yuuri, when we’re done, I think you should take Yurio’s place up there for a while. You’d look quite fetching with those luscious legs of yours stretched out over the—
Y: Okay and now we do the song right?!
K: Uhh, yeah. It’s an incantation, but, yeah. And we have to go in alphabetical order, so…
V: Take it away, Otabek!
O: [SIGHS] Noli nobis nunc, in praesenti veritate…
V: [LOUDLY] Nati sumus ad historiam facere~!
Y: Nosfacerecontingatnosvertamus.
K: Etiam, nati sumus ad historiam facere.
[SILENCE]
Y: I’m getting down now. [GETTING-DOWN NOISES]
K: [DEEP BREATH] Alright. And now…
K & V: We wait.
[LONG SILENCE]
[LIKE REALLY LONG]
[SERIOUSLY I ALMOST TURNED OFF THE TAPE]
V: Yurio, who are you texting?
Y: Uh, nobody. I’m bored out of my mind, you think I’m just gonna stand here and pretend Instagram doesn’t exist?
K: You have to turn your phone off, we all agreed before, remember? It’ll interfere with the telesignal.
Y: I’ll interfere with your face if you don’t— hey! Give that back!
V: Thank you, Otabek.
Y: Dude, how much are they paying you?
O: I’ve been advised not to say.
Y: Ugh.
[MEDIUM-LENGTH SILENCE]
[SOUND OF A CLOWN CAR CRASHING]
K: Oh my god, why did we put you in charge of the clips? Give me that.
Y: Nuh-uh! I’m not even getting paid! This is all I have left!
K: God, fine. Just, please behave. Every noise we make reduces our sighting chances by, like, ten percent at least.
Y: You really are a loser, you know that?
K: Zip it.
V: [GIGGLES]
[SHORT SILENCE]
[MUFFLED CLATTERING AND BANGING]
K: Okay seriously Yurio, that’s enough. I don’t even remember putting that one on the board.
Y: That wasn’t me.
K: Very funny.
Y: No, I’m serious. I didn’t touch it.
O: He didn’t.
V: And how do you know that?
O: Uh. I, uh. Was looking.
V: [THAT HUM-LAUGH THING HE DOES]
[MUFFLED CLATTERING AND BANGING, LOUDER THIS TIME]
K & V: [AUDIBLY LOOK AT EACH OTHER] The ghost!
Y: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.
K: [INTONES LOUDLY] O ancient spirit of the rink, tu tantum vivere quondam, we come in peace. We’re here to release you. Tell us your woes and be freed of this mortal plane.
V: What he said~.
[MUFFLED CLATTERING AND BANGING]
EERIE VOICE: A mortal has disturbed my endless slumber. Who dares cross the threshold of this peaceful dwelling? Name yourself!
Y: Great, now you pissed off an ancient skating demon. Good luck next season.
K: Uhhhhhh, uhh, uh my name is Yuuri Katsuki and I’m really sorry if I—
EV: “Katsuki”? ’Tis not a name born of Mother’s womb…
K: Oh! Your mother? Is that why you’re still here, do you have unfinished business with her?
V: [WHISPERING] I think she means the motherland.
K: Ohh!! Oh duh, right, haha, yeah I’m from Japan! My family owns a hot springs there, and, uh… [WHISPERING] Oh my god I didn’t think this would actually work. Oh my god, what do we do.
Y: Who’s “we”?! You got us into this mess, you better get us out, piggy!
EV: A piggy from Japan? Your tale grows curiouser and curiouser…
K: [AUDIBLY SWEATING] Ah, yeah, haha. Pretty weird, right? Haha. It must be… pretty weird to…
EV: Well, little svinya, do you know what we do with piggies over here in Mother Russia?
K: [TEETH CHATTERING] N-no…
EV: We slaughter them for buzhenina.
K: AAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHH!!! [FAST FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT]
V: Yuuri!! Wait! [FAST FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR OPENS, DOES NOT SLAM SHUT]
EV: [CACKLING]
Y: [ALSO CACKLING]
Y: Oh my god, Mila, that was great! I didn’t know you could do a voice like that! [LAUGHS]
M: [LAUGHING, VAGUELY MUFFLED] Yeah, well, I can’t be giving you more reasons to call me “old hag.”
O: [AUDIBLY SMILING] You little rascal.
Y: [STILL LAUGHING] Hey, same height, remember?
M: [GASPS] Otabek? Is that you??
O: Hi, Mila.
M: Oh my god, a prank date, that’s so romantic~!!
Y: [LOUDLY] We’re not on a date.
O: [AT THE SAME TIME] I know, right?
Y: [AUDIBLY GLARES AT OTABEK] [YET, SOMEHOW, THE SOUND OF BLUSHING]
M: [SNEEZES] Ugh, I need to get down from here. Yura, how did you even know there’s a closet above the men’s bathroom? It took, like, three tundras of dust and four old half-rotted ladders to get up here. I think spiders are having babies in my hair right now.
Y: I found it that one time I was running away from Yakov.
M: Ah, yes, that one time. Really narrows it down.
Y: Quiet, hag.
M: Hey, that’s a compliment now!
Y: [GROWLS]
O: [LAUGHS]
Y: Ugh. You people are insufferable.
M: We love you too, Yura.
Y: Yeah, whatever. Beka, can you shut the tape off, please.
M: [GASPS] He said the P-word!! Otabek, have you told him your ring size yet?
Y: BEKA!! THE TAPE!!
O: [LAUGHS] I’m on it, Yura.
[MISCELLANEOUS GIGGLING AND GRUMBLING]
[TAPE STATIC]
///////