Chapter Text
‘Wow, he’s beautiful’ was the first thought in his head when he looked at the king, eyes full of mirth and grinning down at him.
“I win.” Jaron declared as he offered his hand to help him up.
“That was just a fluke.” Roden rolled his eyes as he took his hand, brushing off the dirt from his clothes.
“That’s what you always say.”
“Shut up.” Jaron laughed and it’s the most beautiful sound Roden’s ever heard and while that was far from the first time he had those thoughts, right now it was accompanied by an uncomfortable feeling in his chest that he can’t explain. He chucked it up to a feeling of exhaustion and dismissed it for the time being.
He didn’t know what changed exactly but ever since their fight in Tarblade, he felt a significant shift between them and now that the war has ended and he’s had actual time to think of something other than strategies and survival, he found these thoughts being louder than usual. But of course, he tried his best to ignore what exactly it meant since he knew acknowledging it would only make it real.
“Let’s go. We don’t want to be late and I really don’t want to hear Mott scolding us again.” He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his companion’s voice and gave him a nod of agreement.
He was walking side by side with his king in silence as they headed to the room where they’ll be meeting the others, when he suddenly felt an itch on his throat.
“Is something wrong?” Roden didn’t even realize he stopped walking until Jaron asked him.
“Nothing,” he shook his head in response. “I might've been lost in thoughts.”
“I'm sure glad we aren’t in the middle of war right now then. I wouldn’t want a battle distracting you from your thoughts.” Roden playfully nudged him with his elbow, fixing him with an annoyed stare.
“Let’s just go.”
As the days went on, Roden’s throat kept bothering him. He ended up coughing more times than he could count and after the fourth ‘are you okay?’ he got in the middle of a discussion, he decided he was done for the day.
“I think I’m coming down with something. Would it be alright to take my leave?” Several heads turned to him in concern but he was quick to reassure them that he just needed some rest.
Jaron dismissed him with a wave of his hand and he bowed curtly as he left the room.
‘Today’s finally over.’
Roden collapsed on his bed once he finally got himself in his room, lying flat on his back while his thoughts drifted and he stared at the ceiling, wondering what was wrong with his health.
I must be having allergies or something. Roden thought to himself. I should probably take it easy. Wouldn’t want to worry anyone. His thoughts drifted from meaningless things to what they were discussing earlier and came to the realization that he didn’t understand a thing, too distracted by the burning feeling in his chest so it was probably a good idea that he excused himself. Jaron did seem concerned earlier.
Jaron again, his mind whispered to him. Lately, he's been thinking frequently about the king. Well, ever since they met he found himself admiring the boy. How someone so young could have so much passion and courage and how, even back when he was Sage, he knew that people would be willing to follow him to the devil‘s lair and back just as he would. But of course, he admires him far more than being a good leader, who wouldn’t? He just admires him as a person. There are a lot of things Roden admires about his king, from the way he speaks to how beautiful his smile was, his strength, and even his sass. Though it could be really annoying at times.
‘Jaron is just amazing’ and it’s true. He might not be able to explain it in exact words but he just admires the way the other exists. But that’s normal, right? Of course it is. Jaron is a good friend. ‘It’s not like- no,’ Roden shook his head before even finishing the thought. That’s absurd. Why would I even think that? Roden kept berating himself for even thinking of such thoughts, shaking his head as he did so. It’s just not happening. There’s no reason to think more about some stupid feelings that aren’t even true. It was nothing.
Well, even if it’s true it’s not like he would-
All of a sudden, his chest tightened and he sat up no longer able to ignore the spike of pain in his chest and coughed into his hand. He clapped his chest several times and gasped trying to get some air when a lone petal drops from his mouth.
Wha-? Did I accidentally eat a flower or something? What in the-?
He couldn’t finish the thought when a series of wracking coughs suddenly took over his body and another petal fell from his lips, then another, and another until it calmed down and he was left staring at a lump of flower petals which he somehow threw up.
What on earth is happening?
He laid back down in his bed after throwing the petals out. Mind still confused, he rested the back of his hand on his forehead as a sudden wave of nausea hit him. Trying to ignore the pain, Roden forced himself to sleep.
‘He’s really amazing, Carthya couldn’t have asked for a better king.’ He sighed as his thoughts went anywhere but what was being discussed in front of him. He’s been getting too distracted lately, it’s not good. But as he continued to berate himself for it, his thoughts wandered again.
Sometimes, I still can’t believe this is what my life has come to. That I’m friends with the king. As much as Jaron doesn’t act like a king most of the time, there are times that he just feels so out of reach.
And then there was that itch again. He suddenly coughed into his hand, wondering if he swallowed something the wrong way, when he noticed it. Another flower petal resting on his palm.
This is getting weird. What the hell?
“Roden, are you okay?” He looked to his side to find Jaron’s little brother, Fink tilting his head at him, concern etched on his face.
“Yes, I’m fine.” He frowned, trying to wave the kid off but he persisted.
“Are you sure? You kept coughing and then you just froze. Did you catch a cold?”
“Ah. I think so. Don’t worry, it’s just getting a bit colder. I’ll try to rest for a few days and it’ll be fine.” Roden motioned for him to turn back to the meeting, where Jaron was still speaking.
“If you say so.” Fink looked away from him to focus on Jaron’s speech and he can finally focus on his own thoughts. He tried his best at ignoring it but there was this nagging feeling telling him that something is very, very wrong.
This went on for the next few days. One moment he was sparring with his men, the next he was violently coughing in his hand that even the soldiers were alarmed. The next time it happened, Roden only waved off their concern and excused himself. He wandered through the corridors until he found a place devoid of people. Steadying himself, he leaned against the wall and realized he can’t go on like this.
He needed to talk to Tobias.
He knocked on Tobias’ study and let himself in. The captain saw the other hunched over a desk, probably reading another research.
“Roden?” Tobias looked up from his desk, brows furrowed and with a questioning tone. “You don’t usually come here. Is everything okay?”
“I think there’s something wrong with me”
“What do you mean?” The regent gestured him to sit as he closed his book and prepared himself to listen to his friend.
“I’ve started coughing out these flower petals earlier. Well, I’ve been coughing for a few weeks now, but it wasn’t until a few days ago that the petals started showing up. I also constantly have this burning feeling in my chest and it’s becoming unbearable.” Roden looked up just as he finished explaining only to see Tobias gaping at him, eyes going wide as his mouth opens and closes like a fish.
“What?” He felt himself getting self-conscious at Tobias’ reaction, wondering if he really did something wrong.
“You—” words finally came out of his mouth and suddenly Roden felt like he doesn’t want to know anymore.
“Flower petals? And— and what else? Is there—” For a second, Roden felt himself getting impatient. What was wrong with Tobias? It’s like he can’t even formulate a sentence.
“Why are you looking at me like that? What does it mean?” This time, Roden stood up and shook Tobias’ shoulder in attempt to get him to talk.
That got Tobias to snap out of it. He sat down heavily on the bed and prepared himself to explain.
“I’ve read about this once. I didn’t think it actually exists. Seriously, of all things-“ He started rambling again, like he wasn’t sure what he’s saying either or how to say it.
“Right. Okay.” The regent took a deep breath. He looked directly into Roden’s eyes and said the words Roden wished he misheard. “What you most likely have is called ‘hanahaki’. It’s a disease that makes you throw up flowers, manifesting from the pain of unrequited love.” He says slowly like he’s explaining to a child, to try to get him to understand which kind of irked him a bit but something’s not clicking because what-?
“Tobias. What in the devil’s name are you talking about? Is this some sort of joke?” He said, raising his voice like he actually believes his friend would really make a joke about this situation.
“You know just as well I do that this is not a laughing matter, Roden.” He doesn’t like it. He can see Tobias looking at him with pity and what was he supposed to do? He’s still confused about everything.
“But- I don’t understand. Flowers of unrequited love? This is happening to me because of something like that? How does that make sense?” Roden started pacing around the room as he attempted to digest the information.
“It’s apparently very rare so there’s not much information regarding it. I don’t know how it started or how it works but I can try and help you with the information I know.”
“Well, if even you don’t know much then it might be wrong. It just doesn’t make sense.” He refused to believe it. He’s sure there’s something else going on. What if he was actually cursed?
“Why?” Tobias took out one of his books and started skimming through it. “Tell me Roden, do you happen to have feelings for someone?” Roden’s eyes almost bulged out of their socket for the blunt question, and did his best to pretend to be composed.
“I don’t! I mean, it’s not – I can’t – I…” he trailed off, face dropping in resignation as he realized there really was no denying it.
“What do I do then?”
“As far as I know, you have two options. Since the cause is unrequited love, the first option is to, obviously, confess your feelings to the person and have it be reciprocated.” He explained, pointing to the page in the book he had in his hands.
“Yeah. That’s not happening.” Roden laughed bitterly at the thought.
“What? Are you not even going to try?” He looked back to give him his focus and tried to get his friend to consider.
“What’s the other option?” Tobias, knowing he’s not getting anything else from him, went back to the book.
“Well, you can also get surgery but I’ve heard that it has some less than desirable side effects.”
“Like what?”
“Removing the flowers from your lungs will also remove the cause of the problem. Meaning, you’ll lose your feelings for this person.” Hearing that somehow made him feel better. That’s good right? If those feelings are gone then he can move on and act like nothing happened.
“That’s not so bad.” He said what was on his mind, but felt like there was more to it than that. It couldn’t have been that easy. He thinks to himself.
“You will also lose the memories you have of this person.” Tobias dropped the bomb and Roden feels his heart wrenching at the thought.
It took a few moments before Roden found his voice again, as it stands he really doesn't like what he's hearing.
"And what happens if I don't do either?"
"You’ll keep coughing up more flowers as the plant grows, and become more and more tormented by your own feelings,”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
After that conversation with Tobias, Roden felt so drained he just wanted to hide from the world. He hasn’t even admitted it to himself, wouldn’t think of the possibility and yet, here the truth was. Laid bare in front of him. He hates how this is how he finds out. Hates how he couldn’t even deny it anymore. But it’s useless now, isn’t it?
‘I’m in love with Jaron’
As he finally admitted those words to himself, it’s like a huge weight was lifted off him but as soon as it was gone, pain replaced it, reminding him of his predicament. So now he knows what’s been causing his condition, he knows there’s no other way around it, that his love is what was suffocating him.
This just leaves him with one question.
What is he going to do now?
It was getting harder and harder to hide. He’s already gotten looks from people, not to mention Tobias becoming even more annoying than usual.
He composes himself, performs his duties day after day, and once alone, suffers silently as he continued throwing up petal after petal. It’s been a week since he started coughing up blood with the petals and he knows it won’t be long until he someone notices something, he’s not even sure how long he has left. But what he does know is one thing. No one can find out.
“Roden, you need to do something about this.” Here comes Tobias’ daily nagging. He’s not sure if he’s becoming more irritable because of his condition, or if it’s just really Tobias being irritating.
“You think I don’t know that?” Roden kept walking, fists clenched as he tried to ignore the regent. He was getting really tired of people telling him what he already knew. Everyone’s been on his case lately, telling him to get checked by Tobias. He only doesn’t mention that he already did, because he doesn’t know how to answer the questions they’re bound to have if he told them.
“Have you tried confessing yet?” Roden stopped in his tracks, turning left and right to check if someone heard before glaring back at Tobias.
“I’m not doing that.” He stated matter-of-factly.
“But why? You can at least try. Look, the worst that could happen is for them to say no. And if that happens then we still have another option, don’t we? Or make them love you back! Just- It’s not going to go away if you do nothing, Roden.“ He can hear the pleading tone in his friend’s voice and he can’t help but wince. He knows the other is concerned but he’s been so out of it that he didn’t think about how much he was being an asshole to his friend.
“I know you’re worried Tobias but confessing would do nothing since he doesn’t feel the same. It would just ruin everything. And I’m not going to try and make him love me.” He smiled sadly as he forces the words out of his mouth.
“I can’t force that kind of love if it’s not there.”
Tobias hung his head down. Roden knew that if he were in his place, he would try to do something, even if the other party disagreed on it.
“Tobias, can you promise me you won’t tell anyone? I don’t want to burden anyone else with this.” He knew Tobias was fiercely loyal especially to Jaron. And if he didn’t ask this, he might end up compromising the secret and he really doesn’t want to know what would happen if anyone else finds out. If Jaron finds out.
“You know people have been asking questions, right? Jaron’s been pestering me to take a look at you. Even Amarinda is getting worried and it’s really hard to hide that something’s wrong from her.” Tobias tried to push one more time but Roden remained stubborn.
“I know. Just give me a little time.”
“What are you planning? Tell me.”
“I’m trying to move on. If I don’t love him anymore, then it can’t be unrequited.” He tried to sound confident, but the tremble in his voice betrayed his words.
“That’s- do you really think it’s going to be that simple?” Tobias looked at him like he was an idiot and in all honesty, he does feel like one but it’s not like there was another way.
“Of course not. But do I have another choice?” Tobias looked like he was going to say something so he beat him to it before he could question his decision. “I’m not ready to forget him, Tobias. Not yet.”
“It’s Jaron, isn’t it?” Roden’s lack of answer was enough for Tobias. He placed his hand on the captain's shoulder as though trying to comfort him.
“How sure are you that he doesn’t feel the same? We can just tell him. I’m sure-”
“It’s not his responsibility to love me back,” Roden cut him off. “And you can’t tell him what’s going on, okay? I know he’ll feel so guilty that he can’t.”
“Roden.” He said his name like a plea, and Roden’s heart ached not only for his predicament, but for hurting his friend as well.
“Promise me, Tobias.” His friend looked at him in frustration, looking like he’s already thinking of multiple reasons why he shouldn’t do this, but he slumped his shoulders in defeat.
“Alright. I promise.” And that was that.
Getting through the day was never easy, but Roden tries to make it work. It’s been a couple of months since he started coughing out petals and it’s not getting any better. Everyone is currently on his case, asking him what was wrong. Not to mention, Tobias kept glaring daggers at him as if that would make him confess. Even his father is starting to get suspicious and he knows it won’t be long before he can no longer dismiss their concern. Worst of all, Jaron kept looking like he wanted to say something but stops himself before he could. He knows he’s been avoiding the king, but what else was he supposed to do? If he spent any more time with him as of now, it will only make it worse. So he kept his head down and worked hard just how he always does.
It felt like cold water was poured on him as the king finally decided that enough was enough and cornered him one afternoon, just as he finished talking with his men.
“We need to talk.” Jaron pulled him by his elbow and lead them to an empty room.
And then Jaron rounded on him the moment he closed the door, before he even had a chance to speak.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“I- I wasn’t! I’ve just been preoccupied.” He still tried to deny it, even if he knew it was futile.
“You’re clearly lying.” The thing was, it wasn’t even an accusation. Jaron stated it as a fact yet he knew nothing good can come from admitting to it.
“No, really. I’ve been lost in my thoughts for quite some time.” Roden looked at everywhere but Jaron, making his discomfort known.
“Does this have to do with you being sick all the time? I know you already went to Tobias. What did he say? Why aren’t you getting better?” The king insisted.
“I’m already dealing with it. It’s going to be fine. Just-” Before he could finish, Jaron’s speaking over him. He seemed to be getting agitated, but so was Roden.
“Why can’t you just tell me? Roden, what is going on with you? What are you hiding?”
“It doesn’t concern you. Leave me alone!” Roden snapped. He wished he could take it back the moment he said those words. Jaron looked like he’s been slapped but as soon as it came, it was gone. He schooled his face into a blank expression but Roden already saw it. He wished he didn’t put that hurt expression on Jaron’s face. But it’s too late to regret it, Jaron’s already turning away.
“Fine. Be that way.” As soon as Jaron slammed the door shut and walked away, Roden felt something in his throat, but unlike usual, it didn’t just tickle. It burned. Immediately, he was dropped from a standing position, his hands were on his knees, as he hunched forward, coughing up a storm. Then he sees it as it slowly trickles out of his mouth and into the sink: not petals, but full flowers, covered in blood spread out onto the floor.
He laughed bitterly to himself. It got worse. Because of course it did.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as he tried to compose himself. Exhaling breathily, he blinked back the tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes. He had to make a decision. And he knows just what it’ll be.
“Tobias.” He stepped in greeting when he saw his friend. Tobias nodded at him and urged him to continue.
“I’ve decided to take the surgery. Can you tell me what to do?” Tobias looked like he was expecting it. He takes a few papers with him and hands them to him.
“These would give you the details.” That was new. Tobias didn’t even try to beg him to take the other option. He reached out to take the papers with him and thanked him.
“You’re really not going to consider the first option, are you?” There it is. He should’ve known. But it sounded like Tobias isn’t even hoping for him to think about it this time. It’s like he already gave up on insisting.
“No.” Roden firmly stated, showing no room for argument.
“I see.” Tobias only shook his head lightly, wishing him luck.
As the day of the surgery gets nearer, Roden felt himself suffocating, he really doesn’t want to forget his feelings, forget Jaron, but knows it’s for the best. He wishes he could savor his last moment with him, to spend his last day before the surgery with the person he loves but he can’t. Jaron’s still mad at him.
“Roden, are you really sure about this?” What now? He thought Tobias finally understood. But in all honesty, he appreciated it. He‘s scared. He doesn’t want to do this.
“Do I have a choice?” He’s exhausted. He just wants all this to be over.
“You could tell him.”
“And then what? Have him officially reject me and get my heart broken so bad that I won’t get to recover? Or better yet, confess to him and make it worse that I cough out the flowers right in front him? And what’s next? Make him feel guilty for the rest of his life? I can’t do that to him, Tobias. You have to understand.”
“I do. And you know I’ve already accepted it. It’s just,” Tobias slumped, voice trembling. “this situation really sucks.”
“Yeah, I know” He wills himself to at least put on a smile for his friend albeit sad and as hollow as he feels.
Before leaving for the surgery, he writes himself a letter, telling him what’s going on and what he’s likely to forget. He writes one for his father too, explaining he’ll be gone for quite some time and will come back once he’s ready. He already informed the high chamberlain of his leave -seeing as Jaron was gone for the week- that it might be long before he returns. He only informed them of a health condition that he needs to recover from but refused to provide details. He was granted permission and he left with a promise to come back immediately if they have an urgent need for help. After a moment of consideration, he writes one for Jaron too. Just in case. He handed them over to Tobias.
Just as he was about to step out, he turned to Tobias. He still has one question that plagued his mind. There was something he desperately needed to know.
“Tobias?”
“Yes?"
“If I went through the surgery, and they were able to remove everything, is it possible for me to fall in love again with the same person?”
“No, it’s not possible.” I see. He nodded and walked away.
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As soon as Roden woke up, he felt confusion take over his mind seeing he doesn’t know where he was at. The physicians informed him that the surgery was successful though he couldn’t, for the life of him remember what he was there for. When he told them such, they only told him that it’s completely normal that there were gaps in his memory and since they did mention he was sent there by Tobias, he couldn’t find an immediate reason to distrust them.
As far as he’s aware, he’s perfectly fine aside from a dull ache in his chest so after the practitioners gave him ample time to rest, he was sent home with only some sort of herbs to deal with pain if he needs it.
Just as he was heading on his way back home, he felt something in his pocket.
A letter? He wondered. After inspecting the envelope, it seemed to be a letter written by himself that he didn’t have any memory of.
It seemed important, so he teared down a piece of the envelope, opened the letter, and started reading.