Work Text:
So the time had finally come, had it?
Chuuya laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling as the intrusive thoughts he had been pushing back for the past few days suddenly swarmed his mind.
He knew it was coming. He had felt the negative thoughts and feelings slowly building up. However, because he was so busy with work, he was able to push the thoughts aside and ignore them. He thought that maybe they’d just go away. That maybe they would vanish and he wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.
Yet here he lay, it taking every ounce of energy in him to not break down into tears.
It was stupid, really. They were thoughts that had plagued him for years. Thoughts he was used to. Thoughts he had come to terms with long ago.
Yet why were they still plaguing him? Why did they still haunt him? Why did they push him to the verge of a mental breakdown?
He didn’t even know what had triggered them this time. He had been fine the week before, but during these past few days, he had felt off . He could feel the thoughts building up, threatening to make him break over the smallest of things. But he had held back, he had occupied himself with his work or other things and had managed to hold off for a few days.
But now he was laying alone in his bedroom with nothing but his thoughts. Thoughts that were threatening to make him burst into tears at any minute. Thoughts that made him question his life, his humanity, his purpose, everything .
Really, there wasn’t anything stopping him from crying. Sure, he did live with his boyfriend, but Chuuya had gotten home from work early that day while Dazai was still at work, staying late because of a difficult case the agency had been working on for the past two days. The brunette likely wouldn’t be home for at least another two hours, ample time for Chuuya to cry and then wash his face so that Dazai couldn’t tell what happened.
Not that Dazai would tease him or make fun of him for crying, he would never do that. Chuuya knew that. The redhead simply hated to cry, especially in front of someone. If he could, he would hold back these tears for as long as he could until the feeling finally went away on its own. Until his mind wasn’t clouded by these dark thoughts anymore. Surely they’d go away eventually, right?
Chuuya turned on his side, curling up in a ball under the blankets. He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them, trying to will his tears away to the best of his ability as the dark thoughts continued to plague his mind. However, after a few minutes of silent suffering, a particularly painful thought came to the front of his mind.
And he finally broke.
The redhead was shaking now as tears finally escaped his eyes. He turned his face into the pillow as he choked back the sobs that threatened to escape his mouth. His throat was tight, his chest ached, his eyes burned, and he just felt so alone .
He knew it didn’t make sense. He had plenty of friends in the mafia, and he had an asshole boyfriend who he put up with all the time. He shouldn’t feel alone.
But he did .
Perhaps it was because he knew the thoughts he was plagued with were unique to him. Something only he would deal with. Something only a vessel to a God who never shuts up would understand. And unfortunately, he didn’t know anyone he could talk to about them.
His grip around himself got tighter as he tried to comfort himself, as he tried to stop the tears, but they just kept coming. The thoughts wouldn’t go away, and he could really use a hug right now.
However, he knew he was alone. No one from the mafia would be willing to come and comfort him, or at least not anyone he’d be willing to let see him like this, and he wasn’t about to call Dazai from work. He knew the brunette would come home immediately, but he didn’t want to feel like a burden to him, like he was stopping him from working or doing what he had to do.
So he laid there, suffering alone as he cried into his pillow, the aching in his chest hurting more and more as the tightness in his throat grew. The thoughts wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he tried to silence them. All he could do was cry through them as he continued to choke back sobs. He may have been alone in the house, but he hated crying, and he especially hated hearing himself cry.
It was times like these that he realized he understood Dazai’s dark thoughts more than he’d like to think. Maybe he should be the one to ask the brunette for a double suicide…
Chuuya didn’t think of himself as suicidal. But sometimes, especially at times like this, he thought that maybe death wouldn’t be such a bad thing…
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, be it a few minutes or even an hour, when he heard the front door open. He held his breath, a tightness in his chest building up. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or horrified at the familiar voice that came from the living room.
“Hm? Is chibi already asleep?”
Chuuya pulled the blanket up to nearly the top of his head. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to call out to the brunette or to act like he was asleep so that the brunette wouldn’t be aware of the emotional state he was currently in.
He tried his best to even out his breathing as he heard soft footsteps make their way to the bedroom. When that didn't work, he switched to trying to make it as quiet as possible as he heard the brunette enter the room. Chuuya had his back turned to the door, so he couldn’t see him, which was good because it meant that the other man also couldn’t see his face.
The footsteps paused, Chuuya finding himself holding his breath, before they continued quietly to the dresser. The redhead heard a drawer open, then listened as the other man changed. When he was done, he heard him move to his side of the bed but paused, not getting on the bed or moving away.
The redhead started breathing again, yet it was still rather shaky. The aching in his chest was still there, along with the tightness in his throat and a few tears streaming down his face. He could pretend to be asleep so Dazai would leave and go into the other room…
No, he didn’t need to be alone anymore with his thoughts, especially not when the brunette was already here.
Chuuya took one of his arms out from under the blanket and reached out blindly behind him, where the brunette stood. The pain in his chest grew until he felt a hand grab his outstretched one. The blankets behind him were pulled back and he felt the bed shift as the brunette got into bed next to him.
The redhead finally turned around to face the other man. His face was still wet with tears, and he could feel more threatening to spill at any moment. Just the presence and the sight of the taller man brought him comfort, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to make his dark thoughts go away.
Soft amber eyes met his own, and a hand gently cupped his cheek as a thumb brushed away some of his tears. A familiar sense of warmth coursed through him and the pain and tightness in his chest slowly began to subside. Still, it wasn’t enough, so he latched onto the brunette and buried his face into his chest.
Dazai’s arms were quick to wrap around him, one arm wrapping around his waist and his other hand beginning to comb through his hair and massage his scalp. The redhead began to cry again, gripping onto the brunette as if his life depended on it. Sometimes, especially in times like this, it felt like his sanity depended on it.
The brunette tightened his grip around the smaller in a secure, reassuring way. He planted a kiss into his red hair and silently comforted him as Chuuya cried into his chest.
Dazai knew that oftentimes, just being there and embracing the mafioso was enough for him, so that's exactly what he did. There didn’t need to be any words, just his presence was enough to bring comfort to him, and his arms wrapped securely around him was enough to calm him down.
It was a few minutes later when Chuuya finally started to calm down. As he was trying to steady his breathing, Dazai placed another kiss into his hair.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked gently. The redhead hesitated, then shook his head. Dazai hummed in response. He knew all too well how hard it was to talk about these things, even to someone you trusted, so he wasn’t about to try and force the other to talk about it.
“Do you want to go in the living room and watch TV or stay here?” He asked. Almost immediately, the shorter tightened his grip on the brunette. Stay . A small smile formed on Dazai’s face and he kissed Chuuya’s head again.
“Alright, we’ll stay here,” Dazai said gently. Chuuya’s grip eased and he cuddled up even closer to the brunette. His breathing was finally steady now, and a wave of tiredness washed over him, both from crying and from the warmth of being snuggled up to his boyfriend.
“What does Chuuya need from me?” Dazai questioned gently.
It was a question they always asked the other when one of them was upset. Usually, what they needed to feel comforted was different each time they had a breakdown, so they got into a habit of asking the other what they needed. Sometimes it was love and reassurance, sometimes it was singing or humming, and sometimes it was just silence.
Chuuya tapped Dazai’s chest three times. Your voice.
Dazai hummed in thought for a moment, thinking about what he should talk about. He decided to begin with how his day was.
“Well… Today, I woke up to a beautiful angel yelling at me to get out of bed…” when the brunette didn't get as much as a huff in response, he frowned.
Normally, Chuuya would lightly punch him at any form of compliment or insult. On his bad days, he might only let out a huff or other noise that signifies he's listening. However, if he wasn't even making a noise in response, Dazai knew his mental state must be pretty bad.
“and then my angel made us a wonderful breakfast, just like always, before we both left to work…” The taller male continued, his tone now very soft and gentle. He continued to talk about his day, bringing up small details that really didn't matter or that Chuuya could already assume.
However, the brunette kept talking in detail, keeping his tone soft and gentle as he spoke close to the redhead’s ear. It was never what was spoken that was important to them in situations like this, it was only the sound of their voice.
Dazai’s voice brought comfort to Chuuya, just like Chuuya’s voice brought comfort to Dazai. And clearly, Chuuya needed this comfort right now, so Dazai was more than happy to provide it.
When he was done talking about his day, he moved on to talking about random subjects that came to mind. He didn't pause for a response from the other, as he clearly wasn't in the mental state for a conversation right now, and continued talking.
Chuuya’s breathing became steadier and deeper as his body relaxed against the brunette’s. Dazai smiled.
“I hope chibi has sweet dreams of me tonight~” the brunette teased, though his tone was much softer than it normally was when he teased the redhead.
There was a tap on his chest, which he realized was the smaller lightly flicking him, which made him chuckle. Then, a genuine smile formed on his lips as he leaned down to place a gentle kiss in his red hair.
It wasn't a punch, but it was better than earlier when he got no response. That's the only thing that mattered. He could tell that the petite mafioso would likely wake up in the morning feeling drained and tired, but the detective would be there to help him get through the day. Even if it took a day, or even longer, until the redhead was feeling normal again, the brunette would be there to support and comfort him.
Dazai started humming softly, continuing for a few minutes even after he felt the smaller fully relax against him as he started snoring lightly. He did eventually stop, placing one final kiss on his head.
“Goodnight, Chibi.”
And when Dazai would wake up in the morning, he’d wake not to Chuuya yelling at him to get up like he did most mornings, but rather to the mafioso still cuddled up to him in his arms. Then, Dazai would take care of the redhead like the smaller did for him most every other morning, teasing him lightly here and there but nothing that would possibly upset the redhead. Most importantly, though, he’d make sure his Chibi was getting all the love and comfort he needed and make sure he didn’t overwork himself.
For now, though, the two lay in bed, Dazai slowly drifting off to sleep as he held a sleeping redhead close to him. And he’d continue to hold the redhead close for as long as he needed.