Archive of Our Own

The first time Seokjin felt it, he was rolled under the covers of his bed, watching the autumn sun take over his small room.

His eyes were puffy, and his head was throbbing with a headache that he failed to sleep away. Seokjin turns and takes in the right side of the mattress. He grazes the back of his hand on the pillow, hoarding a litany of snotty tissues, and his stomach coils at the reminder—the sheets were cold to the touch.

Seokjin wants to cry—he tries really, really hard—but it seems his eyes have run dry. Even just blinking hurt. There was nothing else he could do. He'd exhausted all the natural grievances of heartbreak. Hell, even the continual rainy weather had gotten fed up and instead opted for the warmest of rays to flash him straight at his face.

It's been five weeks… since he broke up with Namjoon. Five weeks since he saw his boyfriend's face go from something happy and puppy-like to downright wretched. Instead of comforting, Seokjin had opted for a lighthearted joke and the insistence of everything being okay, and they could continue being friends because surely that would be easy? Neither of them was confrontational, dramatic people. They could make this work, and it would all be fine.

What a fucking idiot he'd been.

"Damn it!" Seokjin shouts to himself, his fists hitting the bed as bundles of tissues go flying. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

A singular knock on the door makes Seokjin freeze.

Another knock. "Jin-hyung?"

"Yes, Jimin?" 

Seokjin winces at the crack of his voice. Usually, he was good at hiding these things. He was the hyung… but something about this breakup was fucking him up in ways he never knew could fuck him up. Seokjin did not recognize this version of himself. This version that cried at the mere sight of an empty pillow or nearly puked at the single thought of living another day without a dimpled smile and warm "Morning!" followed by a light pressing of lips. It was all too much.

 "Are you okay?" Jimin's sweet voice filters in through the door. Seokjin can already picture his roommate dressed in his ratty oversized Britney Spears shirt and Mickey Mouse pajama pants, his blonde hair pulled up into a messy ponytail. It's comforting—Jimin is comforting.

"I—I'm," Seokjin pauses to swallow thickly, a wave of emotion catching him off guard. "I'm fine."

"Can I come in?" Jimin asks instead, ignoring him altogether.

Seokjin nods, but Jimin is nearly telepathic. He just accepts that his message was sent through the door, in the same manner Mercury goes into retrograde or whatever new Zodiac power Taehyung was into these days. They were tight, and their bond was something they didn't question at this point. Too many drunken nights and embarrassing contraband via photos and videos secured that trust.

"I missed you last night," Jimin starts, sitting on the edge of Seokjin's bed.

"Karaoke isn't really fun when you have a lightweight and underage person as company."

"You took Jungkook out with you?" Seokjin raises his eyebrow, doubtful.

Jimin rolls his eyes. "We told him they had appetizers."

"I thought he had a fake—"

"He refuses to use it because he's scared. Not even my lychee martinis could hype me up last night. By ten, Taehyung was passed out on the couch, and Jungkook was singing drama soundtracks. It was not the vibe." Jimin's tone sounded annoyed, but Seokjin knew he didn't mean much of it. A hint of a smile grazed his bare face as he recounted the exact moment Taehyung tapped out while singing Adele's 'Hello.'

"There must be something in the air. This year has been pretty sucky," Seokjin comments, checking his phone for any notifications. Nothing.

"It's your last year, hyung. Aren't you excited?"

Excited? Seokjin should be excited. He's secured himself a great internship which he is sure will extend into another full-time job offer by the time he graduates. Classes were challenging, but they were also the courses he was most interested in. Professors loved him, students naturally flocked towards him, and there were no shortages of party invitations or hangouts heading his way. Everything in Seokjin's life had seemed to have aligned just right.

Except, why did it all feel so pointless? And drab?

Seokjin shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know."

Jimin's eyes widen a bit. "You don't know? What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, I'm feeling pretty blah about it. I just… kind of want to get it over with, to be honest." Seokjin sighs heavily, the pang in his chest still hitting him through the admission. "I'd like to move on to the next part of my life, you know? Try to do something… different."

"Is this about Namjoon?" Jimin doesn't cut him any slack, and ow, how much should one person's name hurt?

That name has been circulating in Seokjin's head nonstop, but hearing it out loud just made things more real. Deep in his thoughts, he could ruminate and overthink things until they became numb and almost imaginary. Seokjin could deal with that. But speaking it out loud? And with another person that was very much real and knowledgeable in the same situation? Well, that was hard because it meant Seokjin would have to face the intrusive questions that laid hand in hand with his neglected emotions. There was no fucking way he could deal with that.

"No! I'm over Namjoon. I've been over him." Seokjin only catches the desperation in his voice after he's said the last statement, and by Jimin's judging look, he must have caught on too. "I swear! I broke up with him, Jimin. You should have seen his face—"

"I did. I practically ran into Namjoon coming out of that cafe. Poor guy almost forgot his bicycle." Jimin's tone isn't accusing, but Seokjin still feels the guilt all the same. "It surprised all of us. I mean, even I felt a certain type of way. You guys were so cheesy, it bled onto the rest of us."

"Okay, we weren't like that," Seokjin huffs out, already over this conversation. It didn't matter what anyone else thought, and it was his decision and what he thought was the right choice for him. "It was just a fling."

"A year-long fling?"

Seokjin nods. Jimin looks disappointed.

"Namjoon practically lived here. The number of times I found his underwear in the bathroom… far too much. I'm pretty sure it totally violated some kind of roommate policy! Cut the bullshit, hyung. You guys were serious."

"We're in college. Nothing is serious in college." Seokjin sits up in his bed and crosses his arms. "We would have broken up at the end of the year anyway."

"How are you so sure?" Jimin says with a quip of his eyebrow. "I'm pretty positive Taehyung, and I are serious. If it weren't for my parent's insistence of a grand wedding, we would have probably tied the knot by now."

Seokjin rolls his eyes at the thought because he absolutely believed his two friends would get married now if it didn't mean it would piss off both of their respective mothers.

"You guys are… different. Not everyone finds their soulmate the first week in as a freshman. You don't have to doubt that you'll stay together."

"So that's why you broke up!" Jimin shouts with a loud clap of his hands, nearly causing Seokjin to yell in surprise. "You broke up with Namjoon because you didn't think you'd last? Hyung, that's so dumb."

"It's not dumb! And that's not the reason why," Seokjin exclaims, his cheeks burning at being accused.

"Then what is it? You haven't talked to us since the breakup happened, and I've been trying to give you space, but there's only so much time before I bug you about it. You know I'm always here for you," Jimin says, his eyes heavy with promise.

The uncompromising kindness is too much for Seokjin to face, and he avoids Jimin's stare only for his eyes to meet those of Britney Spears printed on his roommate's shirt. Come on, Britney, give me a sign. What would you do?

"Hyung?"

"It's not that I didn't think we'd last. We—Namjoon and I would have gotten married for sure if he had it his way."

The confession lays flat in the air between them, the bluntness of it showing just how serious Seokjin was. Jimin knew he wasn't one to get caught up in daydreams and fanciful lovey shit. No, he was a carefree guy who took things at face value. Since meeting Namjoon, though, those thoughts weren't that far off from dreams—they felt like tangible things set in motion.

It had been too much.

"And that's why I broke up with him," Seokjin finally says, wiping at his nose. "It felt very heavy, very fast, and I needed to slow down and reevaluate. I have so much more of my life I want to live without getting tied down to anything. It's very selfish, I know, but it's what felt the most me."

Seokjin doesn't even feel Jimin crawling across the bed before being engulfed in a tight hug that smelled overwhelmingly like laundry detergent and Jimin . He could nearly cry right now if he wasn't so emotionally constipated.

"It's not selfish if it means taking care of yourself. Don't ever feel guilty for that, hyung," Jimin's light voice whispers into his ear. "You did what you thought was right, and that's all you can do."

"Why does it feel like ass, though?" Seokjin isn't even aware he's said the words out loud until Jimin pries his tight grip away from his shirt. 

"Wha—"

"I don't feel better. If anything… it feels worse. "

Jimin's forehead wrinkled with worry. "The breakup?"

"Everything!" Seokjin throws the covers off of his body and starts pacing the short length of his room. "Everything sucks, Jimin."

"Hey there, I'm the theater major here. Save the dramatics for me!" Jimin jokes with a twinkling laugh.

"This is serious business, dude. I might have fucked up the best thing I could have had. And for what? All because I thought I would find someone better down the line? That's so messed up because I was perfectly content, but that in itself is what made me so anxious, and now I'm sad and constantly thinking what if. Is this normal? Is this how breakups are for normal people?"

"Okay, we get it. Kim Seokjin is always the dumper, never the dumpee," Jimin says in annoyance. "This is pretty typical of breakups, and it sucks, and you feel it weeks after until suddenly you don't. Occasionally it might come as a short memory, but for the most part, you get over it."

"Right. It's never been like this for me." Seokjin is running shaky hands through his hair, desperation tinging his words. "It feels like a mistake."

"Have you talked to him?" Jimin asks gently.

Seokjin shakes his head, a bitter laugh spilling out from his chapped lips. "I went to the cafe a week ago and saw him on a date with some… guy wearing his green sweater , and I left before he could see me." 

He carefully omitted the part of him crying in the alley followed by a sad night of doing laundry while drinking the leftover case of IPA's Namjoon had left in his fridge. He'd held off on disposing of them because the sentimental bone in him got emotionally attached to their haughty, pretentious presence, and it was too pathetic for anyone to hear. Just him being aware of his own actions was enough humiliation.

"You should probably talk to him if you want to get back together."

"It's already been done. I can't go crawling back after being the one to initiate, and that would be like I'm using him," Seokjin says firmly. Namjoon did not deserve to deal with his mess, which was his own problem to fix.

"But would you like to get back together? In a perfect world?" Jimin asks. 

Seokjin knows he is doing his best to follow along, and he will be forever grateful for having the best friend anyone could ever hope for. And maybe that's why it was so easy to admit,

 "In a perfect world, Namjoon would take me back, and we would continue progressing our relationship. In a perfect world, I would follow him wherever he wants to go after graduation because anywhere with him is where I want to be."

"Um, okay…" Jimin gives him a reassuring smile despite the worry clearly evident in his words. "That's, um, that's—"

"Stupid." Seokjin stops and plops in his desk chair, the old wheels creaking with his added weight. "It's stupid, and it's too late."

Jimin is looking at him with pity, and it only cements why he's held in everything up until this point. The embarrassment was too much to deal with.

"I'm sorry, Jimin. You don't need to hear any of this." Seokjin bows his head, and he swears his vision is blending the carpet fibers together because he's not wearing his contacts. It's totally not because he's crying… again . 

A deep sigh fills the quiet room, and Seokjin's bed creaks as Jimin readjusts his weight.

"Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I think it's the only thing that will get you to see sense." Seokjin lifts his head and meets Jimin's eyes. "Last night at karaoke, we bumped into Namjoon and Yoongi while waiting for the train. Long story short, he asked about you." 

Seokjin inhales sharply, the need to ask for more details too overwhelming.

"What did he say?"

"Someone told him that you had been offered a job in New York for Leo Burnett. He was wondering if you'd taken it."

"I— I haven't decided."

 Seokjin had decided, though, and he'd decided the day before breaking up with Namjoon. He swallows dryly. 

"What did you say?"

Jimin shrugs. "I told him what you told me: that you were still thinking about it. Should I have said something else?" 

"No, that's fine." Seokjin sighs heavily and then, "I accepted the position about a month ago—signed the contract and everything."

"So you've decided?" Jimin asks, his thin eyebrows wrinkled in thought.

"No." 

Seokjin stands up from his desk chair and heads to the bulletin board sitting on the other side of the room. The corkboard was filled with Polaroids of all the places he's traveled to. Postcard-type views, selfies, and silly pictures of friends he's made along the way. Most recently, the majority of the photographs had been of mountains, hiking trails, and Namjoon. Seokjin eyes a candidly taken shot of his ex-boyfriend walking across a stream, right before turning back towards Jimin. 

"I'm waiting for HYBE to make an offer. I told Leo Burnett, yes, but that doesn't mean I'll actually commit. Not until I've looked at all my options."

There's a beat of silence before Jimin is rolling off the bed and laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" Seokjin is only slightly annoyed, never one to like missing out on a punchline. Was his life that much of a joke? "What?"

Jimin gets up from the floor, his bangs a total mess from the sudden movement. "You are such a Sagg. It's kind of ridiculous."

"A Sagg?" Seokjin nearly rolls his eyes at the sudden mention of Astrology. Seriously, this was serious business! There was no way the stars had anything to do with all this. "Jimin?"

Jimin just shakes his head with a chuckle, waving off Seokjin's questions and heading towards the bedroom door. "Figure it out, hyung. Centaurs can't keep running forever."

And then it was just Seokjin alone, confused, and ready to launch himself into bed, never to be seen again. What did Jimin mean? He wasn't running away from anything. In fact, he was facing things head-on and with the most logical of headspaces. There was nothing wrong with looking at everything laid out first before committing—

His spiraling is interrupted by the vibration of a notification.

[ RM_ posted for the first time in a while. ]

"Fuck."

Seokjin keeps looking at his home screen until it shuts off, only for him to click it back on again. He hadn't talked to Namjoon since the day of the breakup despite having promised to remain friends. They were both never big on social media, but his ex had kept one profile open for sharing his music projects. It was a strictly business type of account, but to Seokjin right now, it was the only tie he had left.

He is a weak man, so he clicks on the notification after beating himself up for a few minutes.

The post was a simple picture of a cherry blossom tree with a black and white filter. Seokjin sucks in a sharp breath, knowing this photograph was taken at the bonsai gardens at the end of this past summer. He knew because he was there with Namjoon, laughing at how dorky his then-boyfriend would get over this peculiar interest. 

"Fuck," Seokjin repeats, already anticipating the painful caption written underneath.

[ Tokyo by RM ]

[ In a state of longing, I find you ]

[ Click the link in my bio to listen to my new single! ]

"Fuck."

Seokjin's heart hurts, his hands rubbing aimlessly at his face as the song plays through his phone's speakers. Tokyo was sad, but it was also beautiful and completely and utterly, Namjoon. After so many weeks spent apart, the deep voice and heavy wordplay were like a welcoming embrace… like a warm hello. It was almost as if he was there. If Seokjin closes his eyes and touches his face just so…

"Seokjin?"

He doesn't know why he does it, and even here, with Namjoon on the other end of the line, Seokjin still can't come up with a proper excuse as to why he called his ex-boyfriend randomly on a Saturday morning. Who have I become? He thinks to himself in sheer horror.

"Uh," Seokjin swallows audibly. The grip on his phone is tight as his skin breaks out in a cold sweat. "Hi."

There is a beat of awkward silence, both of them just now realizing just who exactly they were talking to. It's only been a month, but to Seokjin, it honestly feels like a lifetime has passed since he's last heard Namjoon's voice—since the last time he's heard his name called in the same tone that gave it meaning and…

"—thing okay?" Seokjin just barely catches the end of Namjoon's question. "Hey, are you there?"

"I'm here!" He nearly smacks himself in embarrassment. "I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You sound… not like yourself." 

I haven't been myself since I broke up with you, is what Seokjin thinks he should say because that would be the truth. Except he is not there yet, and it would not be super fair to dump that on Namjoon right away. Right?

"It's probably a cold. You know, seasonal flu or something like that." 

"Yeah, I suppose. Make sure to get those fluids in. Jimin can afford to lose a couple of those Pedialyte bottles," Namjoon says with a chuckle. 

"He's actually cut back on the clubbing this semester… something about him getting too old and his recovery time not being as quick." 

"He thinks he's old?" Namjoon's whine is so boyish and over the top that Seokjin can't help but laugh. "God, what does that make us? Ancient? Dead?"

"He's a dancer, so his body has a shorter time limit than ours."

"Yeah, but like, come on. That's a little insensitive to his elders, don't you think?"

"Joonie, I didn't know this was such a hot topic for you," Seokjin tries to amend, his mouth not able to hold back the smile that so naturally came when talking to Namjoon.

"I'm only looking out for you, hyung. Who knows, you might end up withering away tomorrow. I want the time you have left to be filled with positive vibes ." 

Seokjin groans, digging his face into his pillow. 

"Did I hit a nerve?" Namjoon's voice is noticeably worried, which doesn't make things any easier for this whole exes situation. 

"No," Seokjin says with a sigh. "He just—the whole Astro stuff is kind of going over my head right now. The other day Taehyung read my cards and pulled the Tower card—"

"Oh my god, not the Tower."

"Okay, what does that mean? Taehyung reacted the same way, and he told me that it meant shit was going to go down but wouldn't elaborate. And then Jimin told me something super cryptic this morning, and I feel so out of the loop."

"Is that why you called me?" 

It's like a bucket of cold water gets dumped on Seokjin as he has to once more confront Namjoon seriously and without bullshit. Because to be completely honest, he's still not sure why he picked up the phone, either.

"I listened to your new song."

"Oh." Namjoon is silent for a bit, the only sound being made coming from the wind. He must be somewhere outside. Probably out riding his bike, Seokjin thinks.

And then, a soft and unsure voice asks, "Did you like it?"

"It's excellent, Joon-ah. The sound is very different from what you've done in the past."

"Thank you, it kind of came out of nowhere," Namjoon says with a nervous chuckle.

"It better not have gotten in the way of sleeping," Seokjin chides, already imagining the dark circles the other is undoubtedly sporting right now. "Kim Namjoon!"

"I'm fine! It was an easy type of song," Namjoon is quick to assure.

 "Easy," Seokjin repeats, trying to find the meaning behind the minimal answer. "The song was sad… really sad."

"It wasn't that bad." 

" I can't sleep."  

"You know I've always been a night owl."

" Homesick."

"I miss my parents?"

" I just wanna—"

"Wow, look at the time—"

" Stay right next to you."

"Why did you call me hyung?" Namjoon sounded a bit frustrated, and Seokjin couldn't really blame him. He supposes not many people enjoy being interrogated over the phone, least of all by an ex.

"I guess I wanted to check in—wanted to see how you were holding up." It's an honest excuse, but all the same, it's an excuse. Seokjin breathes once and then, "I'm not doing too well, actually."

Namjoon hums softly, the sound just as rich as that baritone voice and simmering stare. Seokjin wishes he could see him, and that admission comes easily to him right now. 

"I've been thinking about you," Namjoon says in a whisper, and Seokjin can't help but lean into the vision that statement evokes. He can almost feel the soft lips pressing the words into his skin.  

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

And it's easy, how Seokjin presses the Facetime button. He's never liked phone calls, much less video calls, but here he is. Something about conveying that feeling through text just didn't align with what he wanted— needed. He knows he looks a mess, but none of that really matters right now, not when he has a fresh-faced Namjoon staring back at him, surrounded by pine trees and glimmering sunlight. 

And his heart is racing again like it's being freed of that heaviness that was keeping him in bed earlier this morning. It's the spark he's been chasing for the past month.

"Hi." Namjoon is smiling sheepishly, cute dimples making their presence known. 

"Hi." Seokjin accidentally looks at himself in the corner of the screen and immediately covers his face with his hand. "God, I'm a mess!"

Namjoon chuckles easily, eyes wrinkling with the effort. "A handsome mess."

"I don't feel very handsome right now," Seokjin admits with a smile, wiping away at his nose. "This is stupid, isn't it?"

"What is? This? Us talking?" Namjoon leans back against a tree trunk, his beanie riding up a little on his forehead. "We said we would remain friends."

"Me. I'm stupid," Seokjin admits, his eyes shifting to a loose thread on his comforter. "I never should have said that."

"You don't want to be friends?" Namjoon asks with a raised eyebrow.

"No—I mean, yes, but… ugh," Seokjin is stumbling, and the words are not coming to him as quickly as they had a month ago. He had been so sure he knew what he wanted and what his life was shaping out to be back then, and it seemed so simple.

"What do you want from me, Seokjin?" Namjoon doesn't say it rudely. It's a pretty fair question, and Seokjin knows he probably wouldn't have been as patient if they reversed their positions. He probably would never have answered the phone at all.

"I—" Seokjin chokes, and he thinks back to the cafe where he broke Namjoon's heart. "I'm sorry for breaking up with you."

Namjoon's eyes blink in surprise before settling into confusion. He doesn't say anything, letting Seokjin have space to keep talking, to open up. Except, that never happens. Seokjin just can't meet him in the middle. Not yet.

"Look at where I am," Namjoon says after a while, switching from selfie mode to portrait mode.

The view is beautiful. Tall mountains flanked and covered in colorful trees are shown on Seokjin's screen, a small lake at the bottom giving away the location. Namjoon had hiked to the top of one of these mountains, seeming to have stopped to appreciate the views and fresh air.

Seokjin knew this because it was their spot, their weekend rituals.

"You're at Moonrise Peak?" Seokjin covers his mouth with his hand, trying to swallow down the heavy wave of feelings that are indeed ready to turn into aching sobs. He hasn't thought about Moonrise Peak… since a month ago. "Why are you there?"

Namjoon switches back the camera so that it's recording him, and Seokjin catches the final motions of a shrug. "I haven't stopped coming."

"But—why?" Seokjin doesn't understand. That trail in itself isn't that much of a challenge, nor are the views as significant as other mountains nearby. This particular peak was a little hidden off, an intimate place for two people to enjoy some peace and quiet and perhaps a good makeout session or two. 

"It's probably the same reason you're calling me right now." 

Seokjin meets Namjoon's eyes, and the raw honesty being shown to him is too much. It's always been too much, and he's still not sure if he can stand that pressure. 

"I still don't know what I want," Seokjin admits. "And I don't want to keep you hanging until I figure it out, you know?" Namjoon nods, but his stare looks distant. "That's why I broke up with you." 

"Do you think I know what I want?" Namjoon asks suddenly, his lips pursed and jaw clenched. "I'm just going with the flow and figuring it out along the way." 

"You've never questioned what would happen when we graduate? Of finding someone else in the future?" 

Seokjin knows he is pushing, but it's only because his worries are not irrational. They've never really talked about this: commitment. They were still so young, and societal pressures were no longer valid reasons to go through these regular motions of settling down. The boundaries have been expanded, and Seokjin has come to realize just how curious and advantageous he really can be. 

Namjoon sighs heavily, tiredness peeking through in the way his body sagged further into his jacket. "Of course I do. It's normal to think about that, but I liked you a lot, and I was happy just having you with me that the future didn't stress me out as much."

That feeling in his chest fills Seokjin up with warmth and comfort he hadn't realized he'd been missing. Hearing Namjoon admit this should have scared him, and it should have brought forth clarity advising him to stay away and not get too attached. Except, that is not what happens at all. Seokjin wants to hear more of that confirmation, and he wants to feel.

Seokjin wants to feel.

"I fucked it up, didn't I?" Seokjin bites at his lower lip, his eyes getting a little wet. "You deserve someone less complicated… someone that isn't messed up."

"You're not messed up, Seokjin," Namjoon says with an exasperated laugh. "Have you ever thought about how I just might like you so much because you are the way you are?"

 Seokjin's face feels hot, and the tiny screen in the corner of the phone affirms that, yes, his skin was sporting a healthy red flush. God, all these good looks only for him to be painfully shy! When would he get the hang of this… this being admired spiel? Especially by Namjoon.

"Do you mean that?" 

It's embarrassing to ask a question like that. Unearthed insecurities have been springing up, surprising Seokjin and making him question where he stood. He actually cared about this stuff, now. Being in lo—being with Namjoon made him crave that assuredness.

"Remember that hiking trip we took with Yoongi and Hobi? Right before we started dating?" Namjoon asks all of a sudden, his gaze fixed on something in the distance. 

"Yeah," Seokjin answers with a small smile. "I really thought we were going to freeze to death."

"That was a rough night, for sure," Namjoon says with a laugh before sobering up. "The morning after, when you woke up, that's when I knew I liked you more than just friends… maybe even more than just boyfriends. "

"Namjoon…"

"I—I came here just to see if I liked this place just as much, and if that feeling had been due to being in nature… getting to breathe fresh air, I don't know." Namjoon shakes his head and bites his bottom lip, a fidgeting habit when he becomes nervous. 

Before Seokjin could ask him anything, Namjoon was looking straight into the camera, and the intensity of that stare was as real as if it had been delivered in person. It tore through Seokjin's hard exterior and nailed him right where it hurt the most.

"I thought the magic we had would be tied to this place, and it could be my way of feeling it, feeling you, but it's not the same." Namjoon stops to wipe at his nose with the edge of his sleeve. "That's how I know I meant everything I've ever said to you."

Seokjin's breath is caught in his throat, and he's overwhelmed. This attraction between Namjoon and him has always been too much. It's unlike anything he's ever encountered, and it's not something he thinks he'll ever be able to find with anyone else. He knows that now. It's what made them great, and it's that punch in the gut feeling that ensured this meant something more. Something real.

"You're at Moonrise Peak because you wanted to feel," Seokjin whispers.

Namjoon nods slowly, looking away from his phone to face the sun. His eyes shone, unshed tears catching the light in a way that kept Seokjin locked and willing to reach out to touch and to feel. And that… that is definitely not stupid.

"I woke up today, and the light was flashing in my eyes, and it reminded me of that day in the cabin, too. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was you, and I don't know, it stuck. That feeling of being… it stuck."

Seokjin can't hold it back anymore, not after realizing what had mattered all along this whole time. Why leaving Namjoon felt so wrong. 

"Why did you call me today?" Namjoon is patient, and he's not trying to push, but he also is expecting something out of Seokjin.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

 Namjoon's tone is serious, and Seokjin knew he wouldn't slip out of this one with a laugh and a joke. This was the big leagues and his final shot at getting a happy ending with this incredible person that was too good for him and would always be just a tiny bit braver than he would ever be.

"Tell me, baby."

And there it was again, that gentleness and longing that Namjoon so openly displayed without fear. 

"Because I wanted to feel it again. I got scared it had gone away." 

"Feel what?"

"You know." Don't make me say it.

"I do know," Namjoon says with a breathless smile and encouraging nod. "But I want you to say it, Jin-ah."

"Do I have to?" Jin bites at his lips. "Can't you just feel it? I don't… I want it to stay fresh between us. I feel like oversaying it loses its meaning, and that's when things go to shit, don't they?"

"What are you so afraid of? Do you think you're compromising yourself with me?" Namjoon looks slightly hurt at that.

"No!" Seokjin so desperately wants to convince Namjoon that it will never be him that is the problem. "It's me, and this is all on me and my need to always keep running and to always want more. "

"Like moving to New York," Namjoon adds. 

"Like moving to New York." Seokjin sighs as he's reminded of the contract he signed. It was a fantastic opportunity, but somehow none of that was really exciting him like he knew it should be. "I don't think I'm going to do it." 

"What?!" Namjoon's yelp still pierces Seokjin's ears, even miles apart. "Why not? It's a great offer."

Seokjin scrunches his nose. "I didn't like New York."

"But Jin, it's New York. Just imagine all the networking—"

"It's not home." And Seokjin doesn't realize just how important that feeling is until right now. Home. That's what he wanted. "I like it here, and I like being close to my family and my friends."

"You've always talked about traveling the world and living life to the fullest. What happened to that, Jinnie?" 

"That's still me, and I still want to do it all, but," Seokjin swallows around his dry throat and then, "But I don't want to be away from you."

"What are you saying?" Namjoon is quiet, his body curling in on itself.

"I'm saying I don't want to lose you, Namjoon. Breaking up with you has shown me just how nice I had it. I—I felt content… and I felt like I was living just being by your side."

They were finally meeting in the middle, two boys with promising futures, ready to give each other the world just to have a little bit more of that sunshine twinkle in their eyes. They were laid bare, and the prospect of this not working out was still hanging above their heads, but the fear paled in comparison to the honesty carried in their hearts. Seokjin hadn't realized how long he'd been holding this truth. Probably since that first morning somewhere off in a cabin in the mountains.

Seokjin has only ever seen Namjoon cry once. 

It was during a movie, and they decided to watch an indie flick that was all about subtleties and a good soundtrack. The couple in the film did not end up together, but nevertheless, the movie hinted at that being a good thing. Seokjin had been left confused, but right as he was about to turn to ask Namjoon what it all meant, he'd noticed the tear tracks flowing down his then boyfriend's cheeks.

"Namjoon-ah?"

"I'm sorry, I'll stop crying," Namjoon had whispered, hands coming up to wipe harshly on his face.

"Why are you crying?" Seokjin knew this wasn't something he could ignore. 

"Ah, I'm just so moved by their story. They sacrificed the relationship for each other's happiness." Namjoon reached out to grab Seokjin's hand. "It could come off as tragic, but just having the opportunity to feel that way… not everyone can find their person and experience something true."

Months later, and Seokjin was watching Namjoon cry again. This time though, he understood why.

"You were willing to let go of me," Seokjin whispers, completely in awe.

"I knew there would come a day when we'd have to say goodbye. I had that feeling when you went away in the summer for the internship and then when you broke up with me… I just knew this was going to be the biggest test." Namjoon sniffs loudly, a wet laugh breaking through the heaviness of his words. "I never would have expected this plot twist." 

"I'm too selfish to let go," Seokjin says, frowning at how brutally honest that statement is. "Are you okay with that?"

"As long as you stay honest with me, and you let me know how you feel," Namjoon says, expression a bit meek. "I like hearing you say how much I mean to you." 

"It's hard for me, saying those things. It doesn't come naturally." And he still doesn't understand why that is. Is it because he's afraid of everything falling apart at any second? Or is it because the thought of being cherished so purely is something that he believed should have always been out of his reach? Seokjin was supposed to be the adventurous guy living their best life. When had he turned so soft?

"It's okay." Namjoon just nods gently, a knowing smile plastered on his handsome face. "I'm always going to love you a little more, won't I?"

Seokjin wants to disagree. He wants to let Namjoon know about how pathetic he's been ever since they broke up… but it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to fight, and he doesn't want to cheapen this consensus they've just come down to. 

They want to be together, no matter what.

"You should come here," Seokjin says in a rush, hands gripping tight to the edge of his sweater. "I want to see you."

"Okay," Namjoon says quickly, without any preamble. "We still need to talk about what all this means. 

Seokin blinks fast, anticipation filling his heart. "It means we should be together, and… and that I love you, too."

It's quiet, and the only sounds being heard are the wind blowing through the trees in Moonrise Peak and the ever so often shuffling of Jimin cooking something in the kitchen. The truth sits comfortably between them, its significance changing the course of their futures for the better. 

"This is the first time you've said it." Namjoon's voice is awestruck and warm. "You love me."

"Yeah," Seokjin says, tears coming back in full force, and ow, how sappy can this get? "Yeah, I guess this is why I called you."

Happiness, that's the only way to describe the way Namjoon looks right now. His cheeks were wind-chapped, and his beanie was now crooked, messy hair peeking out in the corners of his forehead. Still, he never looked as beautiful as he did right then. 

"It's about time."

It will be years later when Seokjin would reveal that the first time he's ever come to this conclusion had been much earlier than this day. It was somewhere off in a cabin in the woods as he woke up to sunlight flashing in his eyes and a dimpled smile greeting him with a "Morning" that Seokjin had known he'd felt it then, too. 

Love.