Chapter Text
The bedroom was shredded to pieces.
A hazardous garden of thorns and shriveled up petals. Tangles of weeds and disaster. It had been an opulent room fit for royalty just hours ago.
Now- the bed was an array of fabric and fluff, the bedposts engraved with deep claw marks matching the dark hardwood floor. The mahogany dresser across the room was tipped over, spilling pastel contents out of open drawers.
I felt shredded to pieces.
Every inch of me had been ravaged- mind, body and soul.
Bruises lined my wrists in the clear shape of large hands. I’d lost my voice hours ago after screaming for so long. It felt as if I had swallowed a mouth full of hot sand.
My small bloodied fingers shook as I tried to wrap scraps of bed sheets around myself, trying to cover myself up from the open air of the too large room. On the floor, my bare back was pressed against the wooden bed frame- it’s cold surface causing me to shiver.
Ears ringing, I couldn’t hear anything happening from outside the room.
Not that I would have been able to anyway.
The faebane shackles on my wrists and ankles were cold. The one on my neck, the heaviest.
Eyes wide and haunted, I glimpsed out the barred window to my right. The curtains had been pulled back, and so I could see the night sky shimmering down at me.
The stars in the Spring Court weren’t as bright as home’s.
This sky could never compare to Velaris.
I brushed a shaky hand over my cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears. A hand swiping my runny nose as I breathed in.
This marked my third year in the Spring Court.
I hoped I’d never see this stupid night sky again. Or this room. Or their faces as they laughed at me- taunted, pushed, scratched, pulled, thrown...
Please . I tossed into an empty abyss.
I knew the shackles on me blocked any connection I had to my magic but-
Still.
If there was anyone who would hear me...
It would be him.
Rhys would come.
Rhys. I’m alive. Come get me. Please.
He just had to. He’s my brother.
Rhys- I want to go home.
He promised.
-
“Are you sure you have everything you could need? Remember that dress shop we passed by earlier- we could find you a gorgeous one for Starfall?”
“We already found some nice dresses, Mor. I’m sure I have enough to choose from.”
“Yeah- but I mean one for Starfall, you know? It’ll be the first one since...”
Mor paused.
I didn’t reply.
I continued walking forward, using a hand to swing open the small iron gate and stepping up to the carved wooden door of Rhys’ townhouse. I could hear Mor trailing after me- hesitantly. As if she didn’t want our time today to end… or maybe as if her last comment had hurt me and she didn’t know what to say.
It didn’t.
My hand lingered on the doorknob.
I sighed- not frustrated or upset, just-
“Look Mor, I had a lot of fun today. I’m just tired.” I turned my head to look back at her, plastering on a bright smile. Much like the ones I had seen her wearing. “I know you’re busy but I hope we can do it again soon?”
She cocked her head at me, squinting for a moment- before flashing a smile back. “Of course,” she said through red painted lips, “We’ve got a lot to catch up on still.”
My smile faltered slightly, but I forced it back over my lips. Wide and bright and happy.
I was home.
With the hand not on the doorknob, I reached back to squeeze hers, “I missed you.” I could give her that.
We hadn’t talked about what had happened to me at all- save for when I had first seen her waiting in the foyer after Azriel had dropped me off. We hugged, cried a little. She’d asked if I was okay, and I’d said I was fine.
And that was that.
I’d evaded each question remotely related to the Spring Court since.
It’s not that I couldn’t talk about it all- if there was anyone who would understand it would be Mor.
Or Rhys.
I knew that.
But maybe… maybe if I just tried to forget… to put it all behind me…
“We all missed you, Astra. Deeply.” Mor squeezed my hand back, and gently pulled me into a small hug. My other hand was still on the doorknob. “Get some rest, then.”
I slid through the door without looking back, feeling her eyes track my every move. I knew she was concerned. I knew she was hoping I would have opened up to her.
I didn't wait for Rhys to return from wherever he was. I went straight to bed- drained and exhausted.
-
For the millionth time-
Please, Rhys.
Az. Cassian.
Hell-
Father.
A loud bang.
I jumped, scrambling to hold the scraps of cloth against my body. Eyes glued to the door and the feet that moved in the crack underneath.
Another one- from directly behind the locked door of my shredded room.
I couldn't move as the door swung open, light flooding into the room. My eyes squinted at the brightness. I could only see the outline of a figure standing there, looking down at me with a hand on the door.
I assumed it was one of Tamlin’s brothers. The eldest no doubt.
He never seemed to get enough of me these days.
He took a step toward me.
I whimpered and let out, “Please-”
He stopped. A long shaky breath.
Like he was holding back a sob. Or a snarl.
Cauldron dammit- I was crying again .
“Please- just leave me alone…”
He was silent for a moment, then took a step back. I could see his head shaking. The silence was broken by his low mumbling.
Was he drunk or something?
Usually when he-
“Can’t you leave me alone, Astra? Cauldron. Not now.” The door knob creaked. His head drooped. “I know. I know. ”
Wait.
Dark, cold and calculating. With an affection I’ve never once heard before.
I knew that voice.
“I couldn’t even protect you in my own Court.”
Squinting- I could see violet eyes gleaming amidst the shadows.
My heart flipped-
Rhys.
But they were too bright. Too cold.
“Father?” I whispered.
He didn’t move.
“Father-”
“Those pricks deserve to die, Astra. For what they did to you. I am going to fucking rip him to shreds .”
He took a step back.
Wait.
Wait.
“Father,” I called a little stronger. I reached an arm out to him, shaking and weak. “I’m here… I’m alive...”
The door started to close.
“Papa, “ I cried, crawling to the door, not caring what covered me.
The door paused. Through a choked back sob, “Now, I’m really seeing things. You never did call me that.”
And the door closed.
My bloodied hand pressed firmly against it, shaking. Tears falling freely.
Fuck.
Are you kidding me?
“Papa,” I cried. “Take me home.”
He didn’t deserve that name. But still-
“Papa!”
Fuck him.
Fuck them all.
Rhys, where are you?
It wasn’t until years later that it registered to me- how he recognized his own daughter amidst the yellow hair and freckles. All it had taken was my eyes.
-
I fell out of my bed, choking on coughs. I couldn’t hold them back- my body shuddered and convulsed. I was gonna be sick on this floor.
Shit-
No doubt I’d already woken all of them up.
Elliana would have a hard time in the morning from the complaints.
My fingers were splayed on the floor, trying to hold the rest of me up.
I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t get a full breath in.
Head spinning. Eyes flashing.
I could still see my Father’s shadowed face, looking down at me. I swear he even had a sad smile.
Footsteps.
Shit.
They were heavy. Not Eliana’s.
How could he hear me all the way down here?
I tried to swallow down a cough, pushing myself onto my knees. My shaking hands swept the tears from under my eyes.
I could feel those steps getting closer.
“Please…” I tried. “Ta-”
“Astra.”
I blinked, trying to clear away the tears. The blurry image of my father.
Turning my head, Rhys was crouched beside me. Eyes wide and alert, mouth in a thin line. I could feel his concern- even more his understanding.
His hand gently settled on my back.
I flinched at the contact and he withdrew.
“You’re home,” he whispered. “You’re not at the Spring Court. You got out.”
Eyes trained on him, I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out.
“You’re home, Astra.”
“I- yeah." My voice cracked. "I knew that.”
With a small smile, he said, “Then take down your illusion.”
Heh?
My eyebrows shot up, eyes darting around the room-
An opulent Spring Court bedroom, completely torn to shreds. My clothes were shredded white sheets, littered with dots of blood. The door where my father had stood laughed at me.
I shuddered and yanked it all down. Like a silk cloth laying over reality.
Pale, I said, “Did you see…?”
“No. You kept it to yourself- I just saw the glimmer.”
I nodded. Good.
Silence and darkness.
I couldn’t see out the window from where I was sitting, starlight grazed my back. Only the dark shadows of my room met my eyes.
Perhaps for the best. I didn’t really want to look at the sky tonight.
Rhys seemed hesitant. I could tell he was dying to ask but respected my privacy enough not to.
My fingers gripped the edge of my nightgown, playing with the hem. “I haven’t done that before.”
“Dreamed an illusion?”
“Made one that big. But yeah, that too I guess.”
“Your magic wasn’t fully developed before…” Rhys cleared his throat, “I can help you-”
I cut him off. “I was thinking Az could help me.”
We were still. My eyes looked anywhere but at him.
I heard him release a slow breath. “Az can help, I suppose. Eventually.”
I don’t know why I was avoiding Rhys. He taught me almost everything when I was younger.
“Eventually?”
Rhys leaned away from me, getting to his feet. “Another day. I’ve got a few ideas I wanna run by you. But for now- Amren can help you with your illusions.”
I choked. “Amren? Please don’t throw me to the wolves. Az or nothing.”
“Amren knows how illusions work. Can do them herself. She’s probably the best option to help you, honestly. You’ll like her too, I swear.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw his sly grin and goading eyes gaze down at me.
“I’m sure Azriel would love if you asked him on a date-”
My head snapped to look up at him. “Shut. It.”
He laughed before walking out, uttering a quick goodnight before closing the door.
I didn’t move.
Couldn’t really.
All I could see was Rhys- looking down at me with a soft smile, chuckling. Shadows painting his face, violet eyes gleaming with starlight.
Take away the laughter, add years of ice and bitterness- and he was the carbon copy of our Father.
Walking away from me again- closing the door on any hope I had.
Leaving me alone to the shadows and weeds.
I fell back asleep chanting to myself-
I am home.