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I’m jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin
It’s closer than my hands have been
I’m jealous of the rain
She knew he was there, she recognized his truck.
It didn’t take him long to park himself near her haunts. Sometimes he wasn’t in the truck and she scanned the crowd without even wanting to, and then she was pissed at him all over again because she didn’t want to be thinking about him.
A clean break.
After all the loaded words, the charged fights, angry sex, shut out nights. After begging for something to give. Praying for change… It was a long back and forth, a suitcase in the car always, stony silence that grew too painful.
It had to be clean cut, cauterize the wound and move on. Her head was tired of fighting, her heart was tired of hurting, and she would be fine.
If he would leave her alone.
She sent him a text because she was too chickenshit to call and hear his voice. It might lure her right back into him. She typed a novel, deleted the whole damn thing, and sent him one line asking him to leave her alone.
He never responded.
I’m jealous of the wind
that ripples through your clothes
It’s closer than your shadow
The decision to go blonde was played off as a laughable joke. Her hair began to lose its color and show her age, so it was time for something new. It suited her, she was told. Her mother said it was a lovely change, and perhaps she hadn’t only been talking about her hair.
But her red hair had been tied to the signature look of Special Agent Dana Scully and that was no longer who she was.
She latched onto her new persona of Dr. Scully and she hid the truth. How she knew if he were to look for her on a crowded street, he could no longer easily spot her. That she chose to dye her hair to remove that identifying factor.
She didn’t know he could always find her regardless, would always find her, red hair or blonde, dark haired, in a hat, sunglasses, long coat, clothes that didn’t suit her, it didn’t matter. Fox Mulder would always know Dana Scully.
I wished you the best of all this world could give
And I told you, when you left me, there’s nothing to forgive
When he arrived home, she was seated on the very top step of his porch stairs and she stood immediately when he pulled up the road. She didn’t approach until he closed the door to his truck. He made it to her before she reached the ground, so she remained there on that bottom step.
“Scully…” He was surprised to see her and he was certain it showed. Though, he knew what it might be about. He may not have been giving her the space she asked for.
“Stop.” She stated it simply and clearly because she wanted him to know she was firm on this. Several texts over several months hadn’t seemed to get it through his thick skull that she did not want him watching her.
“Stop what?” He chose to feign innocence. “Listen, I’m glad you’re here––”
“No,” she cut him off in an instant. “You. Watching me. Tailing me.”
“I don’t tail you––”
“Stop.”
The ‘p’ popped at the end, she was pissed. He glanced away, but not for long, never for long, because he was a challenge that challenged her, even when she was livid. He was too comfortable with her to ever fear her.
“Okay,” he agreed with a short, final nod.
Scully eyed him, thought she would have to fight him, have a full blown shouting match on his front lawn. She imagined a lot of the details to this meeting, but she didn’t picture the rugged look to him. He’d been working out, he had a full beard, his hair had gotten long. She really hated that.
She passed him, off the last step, and almost, almost fucking made it to her car when his hand enclosed around her arm, just above her wrist and she had to stop because, when she pulled, he didn’t let go.
There was a look with a spark of darkness behind it as she turned toward him, met his eye. She didn’t come here to play these games.
Whatever was there, on his mind, words forming, touching his lips, but not leaving, whatever it was, he swallowed it down, nearly choked on it, and winced at the bitterness it left behind.
He released her and she went.
But I always thought you’d come back,
tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery
“If it doesn’t work, Scully, why should we punish ourselves?” His words had found their way out and she was nearly in her car, but they stopped her.
Scully regarded him for a moment, her hand on the open car door as she stood beside it. “Wasn’t this punishment enough?” Her gaze flicked toward the house.
“Ouch,” he commented with a wince. It was well played though and he would have been amused if it didn’t cut him so deeply.
“I’ve moved on,” she told him. “I’m not… this anymore. I can’t… I’ve told you––”
“I know what you’ve said,” and he certainly didn’t need her to rehash it.
“Don’t let time and distance muddle the truth, Mulder,” she said.
His mouth cocked in a half smile, but there was no light there. “The truth…”
She could tell it pained him and it made her feel guilty all over again. It made her sad, but she steeled herself. She could feel this later, alone. Not here, not with him. She couldn’t be weak. She softened her tone regardless.
“If nothing has changed here…”
“Me, you mean,” he corrected.
This was doing neither of them any good. Staying strong and staying away from him had helped her, at least, that’s what she told herself. He needed to do the same.
“I don’t want to see you, outside my work, near my home. I stopped going to that coffee shop, the Mediterranean place…” All because he was there. “I live without you now,” she reminded him. “I have a life without you and I would love to keep it that way.”
“This is what you really want?” he asked.
“Why else would I have left?”
He was ready for round one in a fight with her, but her words shut him down. TKO. She had jumped from a sinking ship. She could have stayed and been sucked under, but she had to look out for herself. How could he fault her for that?
“It was suffocating,” she said very softly and he could only just hear her with the distance between them. “I didn’t know how bad it was until I was out. I can breathe again. I can sleep at night. Can you?”
Not without you.
He nodded, a slight gesture, barely noticeable. She had moved on and he was the one that couldn’t let go, but this was what she really, truly wanted. A clean break. Then he would be one half of what was once Mulder and Scully. Because she didn’t want to be his Scully anymore.
“Night, Dana,” he said and walked away, up the porch, and into the house that was once their home before she could respond.
He hadn’t known she was glad they were apart since she always looked so stone faced when he spied upon her. Though, maybe he had known, but didn’t want to believe it.
She didn’t want him back. She gave up on them–-gave up on him. And, he realized, she had every right to. She deserved happiness. She deserved a chance at a life without his bullshit. She deserved better than anything he could ever give her. And maybe it couldn't just be her. Maybe it was finally time for him to give up on them, too.
It’s hard for me to say
I’m jealous of the way
you’re happy without me…