Chapter Text
To My Gon,
Sorry, it’s been a week or two since I last wrote. I’ve been struggling to figure out how to say what’s really on my mind. Honestly, I could barely even write to you before, not in a letter I meant to send. Now that I’m actually writing to you, it feels strange having a real audience — someone who’ll actually read it and not just my fantasy. It’s weird knowing I’m writing for you and not just for myself. And I still don’t really know where to begin.
I do want to keep writing letters instead of texting. It just feels… more real, more open. Looking at my phone feels imperfect somehow.
Before I go any further, though, I need to say something — and I need you to listen.
STOP!
Stop blaming yourself for what happened back there. I could’ve been there to stop you, to protect you. I failed you because my love for you overwhelmed me — I lost sight of everything else. I should have punched you in the head again or slapped you until you listened, but I didn’t have the strength. All I did was break down and cry in front of Palm. You know me — if I admit my feelings, then something truly terrible must’ve happened. I couldn’t admit it to you, but I somehow admitted it to Palm of all people, that pervert. There’s no excuse for my behavior that night, so please don’t take all the blame.
What hurts me the most is that you think you hurt me more than my family ever did. Have you seen the scars on my body? Remember that needle in my head I told you about? How do you think you could’ve hurt me more than any of them?
You saved my life, Gon. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I was lost in darkness, and you pulled me out. You will always be the light in my life, no matter the mistakes either of us make.
I guess I should tell you a little about what’s been going on with me. Alluka and I have been traveling around the world, and she saw snow for the first time. Since she was trapped in that room for so long, I think this simple weather phenomenon must’ve seemed like magic to her. The wonder in her eyes made me feel proud to be her big brother. It made me feel like maybe I’m a good person — at least one small step toward being normal.
But life hasn’t been all good. The nightmares from my assassin training still come, waking me up from what little sleep I get. They’re less frequent now, but when they hit, I turn to your last letter to comfort me. I know it’s embarrassing and maybe a little corny, but I’ve circled the part where you said you love me. That one admission has saved me over and over. Whenever I feel bad, I look at it and it makes me better.
I could go on and on — ten, twenty, maybe fifty pages about how you make me feel. Even just thinking about you warms my heart and brings a smile to my face.
Oh! I know — I’ll tell you about my future travel plans with Alluka! Leorio sent us an invitation since he knew we were traveling. Apparently, the Zodiacs have a mission for him or something. Honestly, I zoned out for a bit, but I got the gist that he’ll be busy for a while. This will probably be the last chance to see him, so I might as well thank him for punching your dad in the face. I was so sad I couldn’t be there in person, but at least it was recorded. Leorio also told us Kurapika finally showed up and wanted to help you. I wanted to be like, Baka! You’re two months late. Thanks for nothing. When I finally got on the phone with Kurapika, I almost yelled at him for being selfish, but I promised Alluka I’d try to be nice.
I think that’s all I needed to say for now. I hope these letters keep coming for a long time. You make my weeks every time we talk — whether by text or letter. The moment you say you’re ready to see me again, I’ll do anything to meet you — even if I have to move at godspeed. You mean the world to me. If there’s anything I can do to ease your mind, just tell me.
Thanks for being in my life. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.
Love,
Killua
P.S. Sorry if this letter feels a little rushed. Alluka just came to get me to check out a new video game with her. I’m sure I would’ve rambled on for another three pages about how crazy in love I am with you, so maybe it’s for the best.
Killua 9:04 PM, October 30th
Hey, Gon. I just sent my response to your letter. I might use this to tell you when I’m sending letters, which seems redundant, but whatevs.