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Rui stands at the station platform, suitcase in hand, and his mind removed from his surroundings. He grips the handle a little tighter, attempting to jump start some sense of self awareness in him, something to ground himself, but it only makes him feel all the more numb.
He can’t quite process that he’s leaving. Not yet. Even standing there, waiting for his train to roll in. The digital display blinks, updating in real time. It’s minutes away, now.
The phone call had been sudden, unexpected. Tsukasa had been with him at the time, his eyes widening as Rui’s had, and they’d spent the whole night celebrating the news; Rui Kamishiro, scouted as a director for a large-scale production at the age of just twenty two. The opportunity to direct a show that would be seen by thousands upon thousands of people, working alongside famous actors and producers to boot. An offer none could refuse.
Even if it meant a twelve hour flight to America, and two years he’d have to spend away from home. Away from his family, his friends, everything he knows… and away from Tsukasa.
His heart pangs to think of it. They’d spent his last night in Shibuya together. Just the two of them, reminiscing on their past, their old shows. Making dinner together, laughing at their mishaps, slow dancing in the kitchen, all the while pushing aside the knowledge that this would be the last night they could share like this for a long time. He wouldn’t be gone forever, sure, but Tsukasa is his everything. He fears how unbearable two years apart would prove to be.
Falling asleep in his arms that night, he did his best to savour his star’s warmth, dreading the coming months where it would be out of his reach. A goodbye would be too painful, he’d decided. So he’d slipped out at around 5am, long before Tsukasa would wake, and prepared to catch his early morning train to take him to the airport.
It’s alright , he tells himself, even now at the platform. Tsukasa is busy with his own work, yes, and the journey is long, but he could come visit every now and then if their schedules lined up. Maybe soon. Hopefully. But slowly, a deep regret sinks its teeth into him, as he finds himself wishing he could hold his love’s hand one more time.
“RUI!”
He blinks, sure that what he hears must be his imagination, dreamt up from his yearning. But no; he looks over his shoulder, and he can hardly believe what he sees. Tsukasa, scarf flying behind him, pushing through crowds at speed in search of him. Rui watches as he switches directions back and forth, determined to find him but coming up short. Part of him almost knew that Tsukasa would come looking for him, no matter how careful he was.
If he just keeps silent now, then he’ll be able to slip away without fanfare, just as he’d planned.
But Rui can’t do it. The part of him that burns to be near him is too much to ignore, and hearing Tsukasa call his name in desperation sets it free. Like a flower drawn to sunlight; it’s instinctual, cannot be helped.
“Tsukasa-kun!”
Immediately, Tsukasa’s eyes find him. Just as quickly he begins hurrying towards him, dodging past dozens to make it in time, and Rui waits with bated breath as he barrels through to come to a stop right before him. ‘Stop’, or rather Rui manages to catch him before he knocks them both over, unable to slow his momentum enough.
“Rui!” Tsukasa pants. His hair is a mess, his eyes shining, his hands finding Rui’s as naturally as breathing. His chest rises and falls quickly, and his cheeks are red from the same exertion.
“Tsukasa-kun…” Rui mumbles. He swallows thickly, emotions already threatening to block his throat. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here,” he says. “I wouldn’t miss the chance to say goodbye to you like this. Not for anything in the world.”
It’s getting harder and harder to keep the tears back. He tries his hardest to keep his voice stable as he speaks, but he can’t quite meet his eye. “You… It’s best you stop saying things like that, or I’ll call off this whole thing right now.”
At that, Tsukasa’s eyes flash, and he takes hold of Rui by the shoulders. Not aggressively, but as though to bring him back down to earth. It works; despite it all, Rui can’t seem to break eye contact.
“No.” he says, his voice stern. “You’ve earned this, Rui. You should chase this with all you’ve got. No holding back, alright? Like we promised.”
Rui tries to keep up the act, but he sighs, his shoulders slumping. “...I know.”
Tsukasa raises an eyebrow, like he’s expecting more. “...But?”
“I never said ‘but’.”.
“ But you were going to.”
He can’t help but chuckle a little. After all these years together, Tsukasa knows him far too well.
“...But I’m nervous,” he admits. He rubs his own upper arm, drawing into himself. “Of leaving you, and everything else. I’ve never been so far from home before. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Tsukasa takes Rui’s hands again, rubbing his thumbs across his knuckles tenderly. “You know I’ll come and visit when I can. And I’ll call you every single day. Twice a day. Three times, even.”
Rui laughs now. Tsukasa’s always been good at making him laugh, especially when he never would otherwise. “Thank you.” he whispers. But there’s still a weight on his chest, a weight that stops him from feeling entirely at ease. And, as always, Tsukasa notices.
“And what else?” he asks. His tone is patient, reassuring. It helps Rui take that deep breath in to prepare himself to speak his heart, knowing that it’ll only feel more real when spoken aloud.
“I’m afraid. Do they really know what they’re asking for? How do I know they won’t shun me like the rest? That they’ll accept me, once they know what I’m like?” He doesn’t speak bitterly, but with the same quiet fear that he carried with him throughout his childhood. “I barely have any experience working with anyone that isn’t… well, that isn’t us. I’m worried they’ll… change their minds. That I’m not… That I’m not enough.”
Tsukasa’s smile wavers, a recognisable sadness flowing in. “Oh, Rui…” He holds his hands tighter, close to his chest. “Don’t worry about that, not after everything. Think about your time with us. What have you learned?” He tries to jog Rui’s memory all the while, to have him come up with the answers himself.
“...That there’s always a place for me and my ideas,” he replies. “That I have the ability to… to talk to people, and come to an understanding if we can’t see eye to eye. And…” He trails off.
“And that you’re an incredible director,” Tsukasa finishes. “And you deserve every bit of recognition you’ve ever received. You’ll be amazing out there, Rui. You have nothing to fear.” With a tearful gaze, he smiles. “No matter what happens, I’m proud of you.”
And with that snaps the final few delicate strings keeping Rui’s emotions at bay. He starts to cry slowly, then all at once. Tsukasa wipes away at his tears, but they don’t stop coming; he brings Rui into his shoulder, and he lets him cry it all out into the crook of his neck, even if it leaves stains on his sweater. He presses his cheek to Rui’s and whispers him soft reassurances, calling his name with all the affection he can muster. Rui balls his fists up in the back of Tsukasa’s sweater, his heart fit to burst.
“I love you.” Tsukasa tells him, thick with tears. “I love you, Rui. I love you.”
“I love you, Tsukasa. I love you, I love you.” He pours his heart out between sniffles. “So, so much.”
Tsukasa caresses his cheek, and when their eyes meet, they both begin to lean in at once, just like they have so many times before. Until Rui, hesitating, presses his finger to Tsukasa’s lips.
“Don’t kiss me,” he pleads softly, with all the energy he has left. “It’ll only hurt more.”
Tsukasa holds for a beat, then he gives a pained smile. He takes his hand from his lips and holds it to his own cheek instead, turning his head and pressing a kiss to Rui’s palm. Rui can feel his heart shatter.
“I’ll wait for you.” he swears, those honey eyes burning themself into Rui’s memory. “And…”
“...And…?” Rui repeats, his voice barely audible over the rumbling of the train pulling in, letting him know it’s time to go.
Tsukasa grips his hand tighter, and when he smiles, it’s like a sunrise, dawn breaking over the horizon.
“When you come home, marry me.”
The words knock the wind from Rui’s chest, leaving him breathless. He searches Tsukasa’s face for any signs of hesitation, but when he finds none, he feels a tidal wave of emotion crash into him once again.
“Yes. Yes, of course.” he manages, barely hanging on to his newly regained composure. “I will. The moment I step back onto this platform, I’ll marry you.”
Tsukasa laughs, but there’s obvious relief in it, a hand coming up to wipe at his eyes again. “Haha, you want to get married here?”
“Yes, a full ceremony right in the middle of the station.” Rui laughs with him. “With a live band playing and everything.”
The grainy speaker overhead announces the last call for departure. Rui has no choice but to steel himself, reaching down to pick up his suitcase handle once more, but Tsukasa’s already there, holding it out to him. As he takes it from him, their hands brush, and Rui takes special note to remember how it feels, a souvenir of him to keep.
“This is goodbye then, I suppose.” he breathes.
Tsukasa looks up at him, myriad emotions swirling in his eyes; love, melancholy, worry, acceptance. “Yeah.” He brushes his hand against Rui’s cheek, and Rui can’t help but lean into it, feeling the warmth of him for the final time. “Goodbye, Rui.” Then he shakes his head firmly. “No… I’ll see you later.”
Rui gives a fond sigh. What a ridiculous thing to say. He loves it. “See you later.”
Turning away from Tsukasa in that moment is perhaps one of the most difficult things Rui has ever had to do in his life. He has to shut his eyes to keep from staring at him forever, until long after the train has departed. Instead, he focuses on the sound of his suitcase’s wheels rolling against the platform, keeping him moving forwards. He passes the barrier, passes many people, until he reaches one of the open doors of the train. He reaches into his pocket and feels the ticket there, and he takes a deep breath. He’s ready now.
But before he can step on board, he turns around one last time, a moment of weakness. And he’s not even surprised to see that Tsukasa hasn’t taken his eyes off of him for a second.
“I’LL SPEND A WHOLE YEAR LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT RING!!!” he hollers from the platform, waving both arms in the air over his head.
Rui laughs out loud hearing him. Truly, not even a busy train station can quite beat out Tsukasa at full volume. Setting his suitcase aside, he cups both hands around his mouth to yell, “Don’t forget about the bouquet!”
“NEVER!” He can see Tsukasa’s brilliant grin, even from so far away. “FIFTY RED ROSES, NOTHING LESS!”
Fifty red… Ah.
Rui would talk for hours about the beauty and poetics of flowers, in those days they’d spent together just for the sake of being together. Tsukasa had once interrupted to ask about roses, and of course, Rui had told him every last detail. He hadn’t thought Tsukasa was really paying much attention at the time, rather just entertaining Rui and his ramblings. But realises now that isn’t the case. He remembered.
Fifty red roses; a love without bounds.
A final tear spills over as he smiles. “I can’t wait!”
However had he managed to catch a star so bright?
As he boards the train at last, he doesn’t wipe it away. He lets it dry on his cheek, as the train slowly pulls out of the station, pulling him away with it. His eyes fall closed as he settles into his seat, the rumbling on the tracks soothing enough to lull him into the beginnings of a gentle sleep. The train journey isn’t long at all, but Rui allows himself these few moments of rest. Slowly, his fatigue takes him, a single thought keeping the smile on his face from fading away along with his consciousness.
Two years can’t pass soon enough.