Work Text:
Ryan remembers the exact buzz of nerves, like a woodpecker knocking at his stomach, right before he'd said it, "I really want to kiss you right now."
And now here they are twenty kisses later, his hand effortlessly holding hers while his other seeps into the wet earth. He's sharing his world with her up here, in between the evergreen trees and the seams of mountains. Two months ago this ravine stole her brother, his best friend, and he never thought he could forgive it. The time they have spent up here since has begun to heal his wounds. If he had been up here alone though, he is sure those wounds would still be stinging.
"You're thinking about Gabe?" Alex's voice is tinged with a question but he realises as soon as she says it that she already knows.
"Yeah," Ryan sighs. Then stretches to snap the stiffness in his joints, releasing her hand to wrap an arm around her shoulders. She leans into him and he's all of a sudden aware of the warmth of her against the cool air. "Sometimes I wonder if he was still here, what he'd think about, you know, you and me."
Alex's laugh vibrates against his shoulder, sending a shiver through him.
"He'd totally kill you," she states matter of factly but her grin instantly gives her away.
"Ouch," he squeezes her playfully and she tumbles into him as they fall backwards into the grass. Their laughter ripples into the air before fading away like smoke.
The silence between them settles like dandelion seeds after the swell of a breeze.
"I don't know," she says quietly this time. Ryan can feel her warm breath against his neck. His grip around her tightens. "You knew him better than I did." A lark's song whistles overhead. "The version of him I really know is still seventeen."
"I think," Ryan starts and a joke teeters on the edge of his tongue, something about Gabe's good taste in best friends, but he thinks better of it. "I think he would be really proud of you, no matter what. He was so dumb excited for you to come here, I think he'd just be glad you stayed." Ryan finds his fingers tracing circles along Alex's arm. She shifts so she can trace her own on his chest. "I am."
"So am I," Alex murmurs.
Ryan presses a kiss against her hair, breathing in the scent of lavender shampoo. She had smelled the same the day he had turned up at the door of her apartment, arms heavy with guilt. His family had betrayed her three times. His father had tried to murder her, had led hers to his death. Ryan had killed Gabe.
Yet as soon as she had opened the door, that guilt was drowned by a swell of relief. The sight of her pulled his arms from his sides and he’d paced towards her, wrapping her into a consoling hug. It was as much for him as for her.
“I’m so sorry,” she had said, hugging him back.
“I know.” And he did.
When his father had finally admitted the truth, it was as if Haven Springs itself had betrayed him. His father is - had been - the cornerstone of the place, as old as the town itself. At least to Ryan who had never known Haven Springs to be without Jed Lucan.
So in the painful days and weeks after Alex’s revelation at the town meeting, he had sat in painful turmoil. The town that he had loved, that had hid precious memories of his mother, the place that was so much a part of his identity, had let him down. His ties had been cut just as he had cut that rope.
He had decided then that whatever Alex wanted to do, wherever she wanted to go, he would follow. She was now his place.
Yet when she had decided to stay, he was more relieved than he’d expected to be. Haven was all he knew. As much as he’d been determined to resent, he had slowly begun to forgive the place just as he had forgiven himself.
As he gazes at the icy topped mountains around him, the lazy, drifting tree branches, the whistling birds flying overhead, he knows he could never resent them. The mountains never betrayed him, even if the company blowing them up did.
Alex lets out a puff of air, the warmth of it skimming against his chin, before pushing herself up from Ryan. A lock of raven hair falls loose but it’s soon tucked back behind her ear. “We should probably get back,” she clicks her tongue. “Duckie won’t wait forever.” She grins at Ryan and he chuckles, passing her a knowing glance before stretching over to pack up the picnic.
The checkered blanket has become tousled in their tumble, stray pieces of grass and crumbs littering the fabric. Boxing up what sandwiches they have left - Alex filling up their backpack-come-makeshift picnic basket - Ryan gets to his feet and shakes off the blanket before folding it into a vaguely square shape. Alex laughs at his attempt when he hands it to her but he just shrugs, “Folding isn’t my strong suit.”
“Damn, I wish you’d told me sooner,” Alex smirks, stuffing the blanket into the top of the backpack. “‘Good at folding’ is kind of in my list for partner requirements.”
“Oh?” he squints at her, holding his hand out to offer to take the backpack from her. “What else is on that list?”
“Oh, you know, the usual stuff,” Alex says as they head back down the pathway towards town. “Cannot wear anything other than plaid - and I mean ever. What? It’s a sexy fabric.” Ryan rolls his eyes, feeling instantly more confident in his plaid jacket.
“Has to be really great at being dorky LARP monsters. I know, really obscure,” Alex continues, tapping her fingers as she lists off her requirements. “Oh, and must have a huge thing for bird calls.” She winks.
He shoves her gently with his shoulder. “I think I’ve got that one down at least.”
She grimaces, “Unfortunately not. You’re just not quite obsessed enough.”
Ryan laughs, shaking his head, Alex grinning up at him before sliding her hand into his. He squeezes her hand in response.
oOo
Despite Alex’s predictions, Duckie is not camping outside the Black Lantern like a hungry seagull - though Ryan wouldn’t be surprised if the guy could hear the sound of the bar door opening from across the other side of town. Alex clicks her key into the lock and pushes the door open.
It had been a joint decision to reopen the bar two weeks ago. They were both still recovering from their physical and mental injuries - Alex more so than Ryan - but the town felt half empty without the sound of clinking beer glasses and incoherent conversations over hot food. It had started out as a distraction but it wasn’t long before Ryan started to enjoy seeing the familiar faces filling up the place again.
As he walks in, Ryan averts his gaze from the vacant bar counter, knowing the ache of seeing it without his dad would unsettle him. Alex glances back at him, the overhead lights reflecting in her glasses, and he knows as soon as he sees her facial expression droop that she’s sensed his feelings.
“It’ll be easier when it’s filled up again,” he reassures her with a small smile. Alex nods, the tip of her tongue darting out thoughtfully before walking around to the other side of the counter to open the till.
He feels guilty for grieving a father that isn’t dead, not when she has lost all three members of her family.
“I’ll drop this off upstairs,” he shrugs at the backpack strap on his shoulder and Alex nods up from the coins she is counting.
“Thanks, Ryan,” she smiles. He is so glad she is here to reopen this place with him.
oOo
Ryan clicks his key into the lock and pushes open the apartment door. Although Alex has been staying here for at least two months now, Ryan still forgets that it's hers now and not Gabe’s. The silent foosball table like a sleeping giant, the indent of weight in the seat of the old sofa, the darkened stains of beer on the floorboards all remind him of his best friend.
Ryan steps carefully into the apartment, the strap of the backpack involuntarily sliding from his shoulder to his elbow.
He had been here when Gabe had first told him about Alex coming.
“Dude,” Gabe had grinned, cold beer in hand, lounging back onto the sofa beside Ryan. “You’ll never guess what, Alex is moving here next month.”
Gabe never let Ryan guess anything even after saying a phrase like that, he was always so excited to share whatever news he had that he couldn’t bear to sit through an endless spiel of guesses. It was why they had gotten on so well in the first place; his genuine, straightforward approach, his brave honesty, how easy it was to take advantage of how gullible he was.
“Seriously?” Ryan had said, the rim of his beer bottle that was hovering inches from his lips quickly forgotten as his hand dipped back to his lap. “That’s awesome. I know you’ve been waiting forever.”
“Yeah,” Gabe had sighed through a smile. “I really hope she likes it here.” He took a sip of his beer. “I hope she’s not weirded out by everything. I mean, it’s been eight years.”
“Dude, who is never not weirded out by you?” Ryan chuckled. Gabe sent Ryan a short glare before grinning. “If she isn’t, she deserves a medal.”
This time the swig Gabe took from his beer was significantly longer. “She already deserves a medal for all the crap she put up with growing up - with me and dad and whatever else she went through in foster care.”
Ryan clapped a hand on Gabe’s shoulder, resting it there. He can never understand the pain of growing up in the system. Ryan had lived his entire life being raised by a quaint, caring town. He’d had two devoted parents who never neglected to love him, a luxury that clearly not everyone had. His existence was some idyllic lifestyle that people never wrote about because it wasn’t tragic enough.
“You’ve found her, that’s all that matters now,” Ryan squeezed Gabe’s shoulder before pulling back his hand.
Gabe’s lips twitched with a smile. His eyes had seemed to glow then. “Thanks, man,” he muttered. “I can’t wait.”
Ryan drops the backpack onto the kitchen counter with a soft thud, pulling out the blanket and then the food containers, sliding them into the sink to be washed. Gabe had been so excited for the life he and Alex would share, establishing their sibling connection, building a family with her and Charlotte and Ethan. That had all been lost in one moment.
The thought of Alex setting up the bar downstairs lingers in Ryan’s mind. He’s stolen this life from his best friend. Serving beers over laughs and inside jokes, watching proudly as she perches in the corner with her guitar, pranking each other after closing time. Even in those sparks of joy, it feels like someone important is missing from them.
“I’m about to open up,” Alex calls softly from the doorway. Ryan starts, turning from the kitchen sink to see her peeking through the open door. At the sight of him, she pushes into the room, the door closing behind her. “Hey, is everything okay?”
Ryan shakes off his mindless rattling, stepping towards her, fingers twitching. “Yeah,” he murmurs. Then, “Yeah,” he repeats more assuredly. “Sorry, got a little lost there.”
Alex squints at him. It’s at times like these that her powers unsettle him. He isn’t the most talkative of people, especially when it comes to his feelings, so having a partner that knows him before he even knows himself is reassuring - but when he wants to disguise himself, they are sometimes terrifying.
He cannot hide his most vulnerable self from her. For that, he trusts her. What he doesn’t trust is himself, his feelings, how broken he feels.
“We could hold off opening up for a bit if you wanted?” she suggests, stepping towards him. When she takes his hand, his arm is limp. It doesn’t take much strength for her to tug him towards her.
A sigh leaves his body. He smiles sadly down at her, watching the concerned expression settle into her face. He is supposed to be her support system but she has quickly become his.
“Thanks, Alex, but I’ll be okay,” he offers, finding the energy to squeeze her hand reassuringly before letting go. “I probably just need a few of Pike’s jokes and maybe just one of Duckie’s stories to cheer me up.” He smirks but the spirit behind it drops quickly.
Alex laughs quietly, agreeing that one story from Duckie is plenty enough, even as the concern doesn’t leave her eyes. She nods though, accepting his answer with a reassuring, “Okay.” She reaches out and presses her hand to his forearm and there’s some spark in the way her fingers feel because, just like that, he's falling for her again.
A grin spreads across her face and he instantly knows she felt that. He swallows, his eyes twitching as he feels his cheeks flame with a blush and he curses his emotions.
“Okay, goofball,” she teases, sliding her hand down his arm to take his hand and then tug him towards the door. “We better get to work.”
Ryan chuckles, feeling the stress seep from him as if she's drawing it out of him herself.
oOo
“One cheeseburger with mushrooms,” Ryan presents the hot plate of food on the table in front of Duckie. “And a sausage pie with salad for the young lady.” Eleanor blushes and tells him off for making her fluster. Smirking and apologising, Ryan wishes them a quick, “Enjoy,” before slipping back to the counter where Alex is pouring a beer for Pike.
“You’re doing a good job, kid,” Pike claps Ryan on his shoulder as he passes. “Both of you,” he glances towards Alex behind the counter who smiles as she pushes up the tap handle, letting the foam settle just below the rim of the glass.
“Thanks, Pike,” Ryan says, “But I’m pretty sure Alex already knows how good she is at pouring beers.”
He catches Steph looking up from her usual table beside the jukebox and make a face at him. He shakes his head and grins. They haven’t talked much since everything went down but Steph is the closest friend he has now, and he’s relieved that what happened with his dad hasn’t changed that.
Pike chuckles, Alex joining him as she passes the glass across the counter. “Ignore him,” she teases, rolling her eyes at Ryan. “What he means to say is we appreciate the support.”
“Yep, that’s exactly what I meant,” Ryan nods, sliding behind the counter and picking up a glass to buff it with a dishcloth.
Pike smiles, slipping money across to Alex to cover the beer. “Anytime,” he says, shifting on his bar stool to face Ryan. “But really, it was a huge task to take on this place, especially after everything. Your mom would be proud.”
Ryan’s hand slows mid wipe, feeling grief claw its way up from his stomach. He hasn’t heard anyone speak of his mom in a long time. The blonde sweep of her hair, the kind wrinkles at the edge of her eyes, the way she always laughed at his jokes even - especially - when they weren't funny all surges up over him in an instant as if he had only just seen her yesterday.
It had become almost natural not to talk about her. At first it had been because it had made his dad too upset - her death had torn him apart like mining had done to the mountains - and the town had respected that with sad smiles and painful small talk. Then that grew into habit. Now it's as though she had only ever lived in Ryan's memories, like some imaginary friend, occasionally captured in the odd photograph hanging on the walls.
But he will never forget kneeling by her bedside at nineteen, sobbing into her frail hand. Her pale hair, wispy and brittle as straw, falling around her sunken face, her head sinking into the pillow as if it was made of lead.
"Don't go, Mom," Ryan had croaked over and over again until his voice was hoarse and nothing else would come out but squeaks.
Her fingers, though weak and shaking, gently stroked his hair until they couldn't anymore.
Ryan blinks back tears, stretching a smile onto his lips, "I appreciate that." For a moment it’s as if all the eyes of the Black Lantern are on him - Duckie and Eleanor, Pike, Steph, the hikers in the corner - just like they had always been, watching the child of a hero growing up, speculating who he’d become. He feels Alex gently press her hand to his lower back but he's not ready to fracture yet. He coughs, pushing the grief back down his throat.
"I'll go clean the tables at the back," he says to Alex, grabbing a tray from under the counter. Her hand slides down his back before dropping as he steps away.
“Okay,” she says quietly and as Ryan steps into the back room, he can hear Alex return to Pike in conversation.
The glasses clink together as he piles them up from the table onto his tray, but the sound is tinny and distant. His mind is lost in memories.
“So, what do you think?” Jed had stood proudly in the shell of the Black Lantern, the future pristine hardwood floor covered in dust and debri, old chairs upturned in the corner, the bar counter half falling apart.
“I think,” Ann hummed, hooking her arm around her twelve year old son, “You’ve got your work cut out for you.”
Jed chuckled, stepping towards his family, debri breaking underneath his boots. “I think you mean us,” he pressed a kiss to his wife’s cheek then ruffled Ryan’s mop of auburn hair. Recoiling, Ryan cringed as the almost-teenager he was and his dad laughed, dragging him into a hug. Ryan had grumbled into his dad’s chest then but it hadn’t taken him long to wrap his arms around his dad’s waist.
“Group hug,” his mom had smiled before shimmying in between the two of them. Ryan gladly let her in, scooping his arm around her back. “I’m so proud of you,” she kissed her husband quickly before turning to Ryan with loving, delighted eyes. “ Both of you.”
“I love you, Mom,” Ryan had replied, leaning his head against her arm and she let out a tearful sigh, squeezing him.
I love you, Mom , he says again, eyes readjusting to the table in front of him. He scrapes away his tears, balancing the tray in his hands. The glasses clink together as his hands shudder before one tumbles off and crashes against the floor. It shatters, glass shards skidding across the hardwood floor.
Ryan swears sharply before pushing the tray back onto the table before any other glasses smash at his hands. “Sorry,” he calls into the bar. “I’m fine, it’s fine.”
Still it doesn’t take Alex long to appear in the doorway, concern skating across her face. “Are you alright?” she asks but stops short and his feelings must be overwhelming her because she hesitates before stepping towards him.
Ryan’s face creases, swallowed by his own sorrow for a split second more, before he quickly says, “Watch where you’re standing, there’s broken glass.”
Alex glances down at her Converses for a moment before picking her way over to him. “Steph’s going to watch the bar, let’s go to the roof.”
“Alex, I’m fine,” Ryan tries.
“I could feel your sadness from over there,” Alex glances back at the counter before looking back at Ryan intently. He folds under her gaze, nodding slowly.
“I’ll tidy this up first,” he says, pacing back through to the store room to grab a broom. Steph is hovering behind the counter when he passes, looking slightly lost and uncomfortable. Yet as soon as she spots Ryan, she grins widely and salutes him.
“Will Steph be alright?” Ryan asks quietly with a low laugh when he returns, crouching to help Alex sweep up the glass.
“She can DJ a radio show, she’ll be fine,” Alex chuckles though she doesn’t look too convinced herself. Ryan smirks, sweeping up the last of the glass and carefully disposing of it into a cardboard box.
“Well, if the whole place is burning when we get back, we’ll know who to blame,” he teases.
“I heard that!” Steph calls from the other room and Ryan and Alex both laugh. When they pass her on their way to the stairs, he apologises and she rolls her eyes in response. “I expect a wage for this,” she warns him.
“Free beer?” he offers instead.
“Two,” she eyes him. “And three shots.” He can feel Alex giggling behind him.
“You drive a hard bargain,” he grimaces just as Alex leans over his shoulder and says, “Deal. Now come on.” She tugs at his wrist before he can protest and she’s guiding him up the stairs. He groans but he has no energy to resist.
“Score,” he hears Steph cheer as they disappear upstairs.
oOo
The cool evening air trickles against his cheeks as he steps out onto the roof. For the first time all night, Ryan takes in a deep breath, letting the fresh air relax his muscles. There is something about nature that has always been calming to him; the wind that will always blow even in the hardest of times, the mountains that stay rooted to the ground even when Ryan feels like he could collapse. It’s something he inherited from his mom, or maybe it was a result of him watching her tend to her flowers in the middle of the night. Being up here on the roof of the Black Lantern always reminds him of her.
Alex closes the door behind him, slowly stepping up to stand beside him.
“We’ve never really spoken about your mom before,” she says slowly after a moment of silence. Ryan doesn’t even flinch at her words. He knew as soon as she’d looked at him standing over the broken glass that she’d felt everything he had.
But she doesn’t need to use her powers to do that. He knows she’s gone through the grief of losing her mother too. Although they haven’t really discussed it before, Gabe had talked about her a few times, how she had died from cancer when they were only kids, how it had put so much pressure on Alex at only ten years old, how it had been the catalyst to tear their family apart.
Ryan reaches towards her and gently takes her hand in his. “I miss her, Alex,” he says painfully. “I always miss her, but... especially now.”
Alex gratefully squeezes his hand back as they share in their joint grief. It’s a reassuring squeeze and he knows that she is telling him that, even beyond her powers, she understands him.
They don’t have many things in common, him and Alex. She finds her home in music, him in the mountains; she has never been allowed to settle in one place, he has lived here his entire life; she is insanely cool, he is… awkward.
But they share tragedies. They witnessed Gabe’s death together, something that equally broke and bonded them. They have both lost their moms to unforgiving illnesses, curled up at their bedsides, praying for death not to take her. They have both had their lives upended by his father’s fear.
Ryan breathes in deep, letting his shoulders droop as he releases the air back out. He steps out from under the wooden canopy, slipping his hand from Alex’s to stand in the warmth of the low, evening sun. He feels her watching him as he hovers over the flower bed, gently reaching out to caress a pink petal of one of the blossoms on the tree he had planted for her. He hears Alex step closer behind him. He’s conscious that she knows everything that he’s feeling.
“I didn’t realise how much dad being a ‘hero’ affected me,” Ryan says solemnly, pushing his hands into his jean pockets. He turns to her, but his gaze is hovering at his feet. “I guess it sort of made me want to be a hero too.” It sounds stupid when he says it - that his dad being this renowned hero was a huge part of Ryan’s identity, that it defined him growing up. He always felt like he had to live up to his dad’s shadow, that he needed to be there to save people, to protect them, just like his dad had. When he couldn’t save Gabe, he’d felt like he’d failed all of that on top of his best friend.
“Now that none of that was true, I don’t know what to think,” he says, lifting his gaze up to Alex. When their eyes connect, he instantly feels safer. She is searching him with those open eyes of hers, reaching out to comfort him. This is what made him fall for her, the way she cares for people, even when she can see their deepest, darkest emotions. “Or what to be.”
Alex pauses, thoughts dancing on her lips before she steps towards him. “Not that long ago, we were standing on this rooftop and a certain someone helped me figure out my future.” She gently takes his hand and Ryan glances down at their intertwined fingers, smiling slowly. “It’s time I return the favour.” Ryan’s gaze returns to hers and catches her smirking before she says, “Close your eyes.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” he lets out a low chuckle.
“I’m being serious, Lucan,” Alex teases and she stares at him intently before he gives in and closes his eyes. “How did it go again?” She hums playfully, letting go of his hand and he can hear her circling around him. “Oh yeah. Ryan’s future in Haven Springs.”
Ryan snorts.
“It’s a cool, crisp morning,” Alex starts. He can feel her behind him and the hairs on the back of his neck tingle. “You’ve had a stressful week and you want to go to the one place where you feel most like yourself. Where?”
“The mountains,” Ryan says without hesitation. Then adds, “With you.”
He can hear the smile on Alex’s face when she responds, “Okay.” She pauses before continuing; “What does it feel like to be up there?” She is closer to his right side now.
Ryan takes a moment to imagine it; the old mountains who have overlooked people for thousands of years, the refreshing dew on the grass underfoot, the overhanging trees intertwining their roots under the earth.
“Free,” he says finally. “Like no one is expecting anything from me.”
“You can be whoever you want to be up there,” Alex says. She’s to the front of him now. “Who is that?”
Who is that?
Ryan peels his eyes open, catching his gaze reflected in Alex’s glasses as she stands in front of him. Her lips are poised in curiosity, carefully listening to the silence before he speaks.
“Someone who helps anyone, no matter who they are,” he says, the resolution growing as the words form from his lips. Before they would have tasted foreign in his mouth. Now they feel right, honest, hopeful.
“Ryan,” Alex steps towards him and he can feel the heat between them even before they touch. “You didn’t need your dad’s story to want to be a hero. That’s just who you are.” She reaches up - her fingers hesitating - and presses her hand against his chest. “You saved my life. You didn’t do that because people were expecting it of you. You did it because it was the right thing to do.”
After a beat, a genuine smile tugs on his lips. He sinks into her dark eyes and she gazes straight back, drawing him in. He reaches up and cups her hand that is still resting against his chest. “Alex, you’re… you’re pretty amazing, you know that?”
A blush tints her cheeks as she dips her head, her black hair shielding her face. “You’re not so bad yourself,” she says affectionately, peering up at him from the rims of her glasses.
Almost involuntarily, Ryan lifts his free hand up and is gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. She leans into his touch and he thinks there could not exist a luckier man in this exact minute of time. When Gabe had first told him about his sister moving to Haven Springs, Ryan had never imagined that he would end up falling in love with her. He hopes Gabe would be happy for them. He knows his mom would have loved her. He believes his dad will forgive her.
Ryan feels encapsulated by her. He’s enchanted by the part of her lips, the curve of her chin, the feel of her waist under his hand as he reaches to pull her to him. She leans into him, breathing out his name, her eyes dancing with longing. As they live together in this one moment, Ryan wonders whether Alex can feel his emotions right now.
Just in case she can, he thinks, I really want to kiss you right now .
And so he does.