Chapter Text
"I swear I don't love you anymore. I just drank too much alchol, love."
Team has always been weak to alcohol. It only took one glass for him to feel the famous dizziness and make his tongue curl, and for this reason, he avoided drinking too much when going out with his friends and boyfriend. Even when he knew that Win would take care of him, he always preferred to avoid passing that shame on again.
But now, if you asked Team why he was drinking in his own car, on an empty street, full of empty beer bottles next to him and half of another on his hands, not even if he made an extra effort to speak his tangled tongue wouldn't allow it. The drink went down burning in his throat, but it burned no more than the tears falling down his face. He was wrecked, God even the car seat reminded him of Win.
Today would be a month since Win had been acting weird with him. And it was so weird that when he questioned, the other just dumped him. That easy. Team wasn't one to beg anything from anyone, but seeing his world slip from his hands that day made him want to get down on his knees and apologize for anything he'd done, he would have figured it out, he would have sorted out whatever was bothering Win and he would fix it. But Win didn't want to solve anything. It was already decided.
“Fuck, just tell me what happened. Please. I need to know." He listened to his own voice. His entire body trembled and he felt the tears wanting to spring from his eyes, but he wouldn't allow for them to fall yet.
Rain fell on the car window, he didn't know where he was. Not that he really cared. And was in no condition to drive back home.
Home. Where would he go now that the only thing that made him feel at home truly didn't want him anymore? Thinking about it, he remembered his mother telling him that the world was in his hands, he never truly thought about those words but now he knows she was right. And when he realized it was too late, he let his world slip from his hands so easily..
Another sip. He missed how the wings on Win's back looked in his bed. Actually, he missed being Win's life and not just any memory.
But of course, Team no longer loved Win. He just drank too much.
“Forget me, Team. Please."
How would he forget Win? When trying to forget is already remembering them?
"And if I forget, who will remember us, love?" He muttered, drinking the rest of the bottle's content and turning up the car stereo, it was playing some music that he didn't even pay attention to, as he was deep in thought.
He loved Win like an idiot; he kissed Win like an idiot. Until he got tired of Team. He got lost in both of them and ended up liking Win more than Win liked him. But it was okay. At least he still had Win to himself for a while.
Evenings with Win were good. It was the only way he'd found to sleep a full night without the insomnia that insisted on knocking on his door every night. Back to the time where it was Team knocking on Win's door instead. He always loved how Win's hair looked when he answered the door. Team got lost in his pretty face and it's hard to get out. But it's all right.
He knew that at some point, Win would get tired. Team was never interesting, never worthy of love or affection. He knew that since the begining. He thought he was preparing himself for when Win got tired of him. But when the day really came, he was sure of one thing; he wasn't prepared at all.
He just prayed that Win wouldn't forget they existed.
His mind traveled to a week after the day they broke up. For five days he didn't have the heart to show up at the university and face the person who made his heart a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces and impossible to solve again. He tried to make up a good excuse that he wouldn't attend swimming practice by texting P’Dean and just hoped from the bottom of his heart that he would understand. And surprisingly, Dean seemed to know something and even agreed about the day off. Pharm and Manaow didn't question much and agreed to take the notes for him while he wasn't attending classes. Team thanked everyone silently while crying, haunted in his own room.
What does love become when it comes to an end?
He needed to feel the water. He had this urge be inside the pool, even if his time sucked and he got yelled by P'Dean. So he finally showed up for practice, but he didn't find Win. It happens.
The other day was different. He saw his Hia from a distance, but even so he realized that there was something different on his gaze. Almost as similar as his. It wasn't like his Win anymore. And it made him question, what would have made him lose that gorgeous glow he carried every day? Win was his private sun. There were no cloudy days when Win was at his side. Seeing such a beautiful star lose what he most admired hurt more than anything else in the world. Even more than when Win looked into his eyes and spoke those words.
It's okay. Team got hurt. It happens. But he wouldn't forgive anyone who hurt Win like that.
"Don't forget me, don't forget me." Team muttered as he opened another bottle.
He spilled the drink on his sweatshirt so he cursed the bottle. He tried to wipe the drink off of it but it didn't quite work, so he just mumbled. God, he felt like even the clothes in his closet missed Win's scent. Is this possible?
But, of course, Team no longer loved Win. He just drank too much.
Team knew they wouldn't work. But he liked to pretend that it would. Loving was so much better than being right.
That day at school he just wanted to tell Win not to give up. He would change. He would stop being so difficult. Team just wanted Win to fight for him. For them. But he couldn't. His feet took on a life of their own and made him run out and lock himself in the first bathroom he saw. The crying had also been against his will. Lately he's been doing a lot involuntarily, as if he no longer had control of his own body. Maybe it was true. Maybe it was the few hours of sleep. He wasn't sure.
He liked to lose control of his body before, when he was with Win. He liked being immature and giving in and getting lost in his Hia. Messing with his quirks was his favorite pastime. And this left him wondering for a long time if that was the problem that caused all this.
Team felt that he was weak, fragile and stupid to talk or do anything about love. But if it was Win, he would. Until the end.
The bottle had run out quickly in his mouth. The drink no longer burned his throat, not even the tears flowed anymore. Maybe that was the right trick. Drink until your whole body feels limp. He could hear his cell phone ringing softly from somewhere in the passenger seat, but he didn't dare look away. There, he could perfectly picture Win sitting there, laughing and stroking the back of his neck. He knew it was Pharm on the phone, and his friend could wait a little longer until he got the courage to answer it.
It reminded him that in front of his friends, Win and Team would let go of their intertwined hands. And when asked if they were together, Win would fire a "of course not!" and that never bothered Team. But it made him realize now that his love really was one-sided.
"Fuck you, Hia!" Team was good for his bed, not his side. “Go live with those rich friends of yours! Fuck you and your pretty face, Hia! Fuck you. . . you're my big love, Hia!” He whispered those last words like it was a secret. Maybe it was.
Team took a deep breath after shouting that, wiped his wet face from the tears and felt ready to sober up again... Until “Who am I to you” by Sin started playing on the car radio. His tears burned his face again and the last bottle in the package was opened.
He remembered Win's gaze that day. It seemed to speak what his mouth was too pity to say. "I kind of ..like you." But liking didn't make any of them happy. And once again Team begged him and called him love but Win just called him Team.
He worked so hard to be optimistic that night, but when Team told Win he was leaving, Win just let him go.
"Am I the best thing in your life or just the best you've gotten so far?!" Team whispered again, alone in the car and finishing his last bottle. “Who were you thinking about while kissing me, Hia? On someone cute on television? In a love that went away? In a love that will come? Who do you keep in that head of yours, Hia?"
Team swears, he tried so hard to be prettier, nicer, more elegant. Worthy of Phawin Wanichakarnjonkul. But all that's left now is for him to wonder if his Win got lost or just found himself without Team.
His phone rang again and he cursed Pharm. And he blamed himself for being like this, taking out his broken heart in acidity; he apologized even though he knew Pharm nor Manaow would hear it because he wouldn't answer the call to talk about himself. He didn't even know how he was, so how was he supposed to answer that when Pharm question him?
His own head was his prison. And a feeling of not caring about anything else crossed his mind. So what if he crashes his car? So what if he got into a huge fight? He would even learn to get into fights, he would kiss any mouth, do anything not to remember that he still loves Win...
But then, Team remembered that he no longer loved Win. He just drank too much.
His blurred vision made him want to vomit. He was too weak to think about love, he couldn't take it anymore.
He decided to get out of his car with only his phone in his hand and his keys. His cell phone was almost out of battery, and he was sure that he was also out of battery. So he did the only thing that passed through his mind, besides Win, and decided to call a taxi to take him back to his apartment, even if his bed was the last thing he wanted right now. It had too many memories there. But his shaky legs wouldn't let him go anywhere else even if his will was to run fast, with the wind drying his embarrassed cry.
He didn't like to drink like this. But while he was in the car he had the feeling that the more he drank the more he sobered up. So he just drank in hopes of getting his Hia back, or forgetting him like he asked.
[ . . . ]
The ceiling in his bedroom made Team feel his entire world spinning, even though he knew his world was probably on the floor above his own. That thought made Team feel even more fucking miserable, he didn't want to be sad forever. He wants to be bigger and better. He wants to be happy, but he just couldn't. At least not for now. But he was afraid to be just that from now on.
After running into the bathroom to throw up, his bed called him back. When he lay down again, his heart had the weight of a thousand elephants. He missed hugging Win when he felt like that. He knew this feeling would simply go away if Win just talked to him. But, apparently, that's not how love works. Tomorrow would be another day, a better one, he hoped. And Team fell asleep with that and Win in his thoughts.