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“It hurts. It hurts so much trying not to love you when that’s all I can do.”
The call falls silent, heavily so.
“Shit. I’ve fucked everything up, as always.”
“Hey.” Ranboo’s voice is gentle and steady. An anchor amongst the ocean of feelings threatening to drown Tommy. “Just because I don’t feel the same doesn’t mean you’ve ruined everything.”
He knew the rejection was coming, but it stings all the same. Still, he clings to the calmness of Ranboo’s voice like a lifeline, battling against the waves and tides just to keep even the slightest grip.
“You’re still one of my best friends,” Ranboo says slowly, seemingly picking his words carefully. Tommy both loves and hates the consideration he’s giving this; Ranboo’s trying not to hurt him, but some part of Tommy wishes he’d just lay it all out for him. That he’d tell Tommy just how deep in the friendzone he is, squash any lingering hope he possibly has left.
“I know…” Ranboo trails off, then breathes in heavily. “I know how much this was to you. Telling me, that is.”
“I’ve never liked guys before,” Tommy offers weakly. “Just you, Ranboo.”
Silence again, almost unbearable. Tommy’s made the situation worse, yet again, like always.
“I wish I could give you what you want.” Ranboo sounds so upset, like he hates himself for having to reject Tommy. “I wish I could feel the same way you do about me.”
“But you don’t.”
And of course Ranboo doesn’t- he’s Ranboo , for God’s sake. He’s far too good for Tommy, far too funny and friendly and nice. If he fooled himself for even a second, if he ever truly thought he had a chance…
“I don’t,” Ranboo confirms, voice as gentle as it can be given the weight the two words hold. “And… And I like someone else.”
Tommy wants to laugh. He’d blinded himself to it, to the possibility, and now it was staring him in the face, undeniable. “Tubbo?”
“I’m not subtle, am I?”
This time, Tommy does laugh, albeit weakly. “No, you’re not.”
A moment’s pause, and then: “I’m sorry, Tommy. I really am.”
“Don’t be,” he responds immediately, unable to stand Ranboo taking even a shred of the blame. “You can’t control how you feel. I know that better than fuckin’ anyone.”
Ranboo sighs heavily. “We’re still friends. I just… I want to make sure you know that.”
“Yeah.” Tommy leans back in his chair. “God, I- I shouldn’t have sprung this on you. I- Goodbye.”
And he leaves the call before Ranboo can protest. It’s abrupt and sudden, and as he does so, the waves come crashing down. As he finally starts to cry, there’s one thought in his mind.
Why did I ever think I’d deserve a guy like him, anyway?