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The Way it Is – June, 2018
''I'm pregnant.''
Olivia Benson's eyes widen as her detective and friend drops the surprising news. They're sitting in the break room, Amanda Rollins nursing a bottle of water, trying to stave off the nausea. She hadn't planned on telling Liv this way, but Benson had been concerned, and the words had just slipped out.
''Wow,'' Olivia says, scrambling for a response, ''Congratulations.''
Liv breaks into a smile, before giving it some consideration.
''Or...'' she adds, studying Amanda with a sympathetic look.
''No, it's a good thing,'' Rollins assures her with a smile of her own, ''I'm...I'm really happy.''
''That's so great, Amanda,'' Benson tells her, relieved, ''I'm happy for you. How far along are you?''
''Almost three months,'' Amanda replies, her hand unconsciously moving to the barely-there swell of her belly, ''So I have some time left before I get chained to a desk, right?''
''You can stay in the field a bit longer, if you feel comfortable,'' her lieutenant tells her, ''But we're going to have to tell 1PP. You know the drill.''
Benson gives Rollins a reassuring pat on the shoulder, before moving to rise from the table.
''There's something else,'' Amanda blurts out, a slight flush coming over her cheeks, ''The – um – father...it's Carisi.''
If the situation wasn't so serious, Amanda would have burst out laughing at the look on Benson's face.
''Carisi,'' she repeats, ''Sonny Carisi?''
''That's the one,'' Rollins replies, stifling a grin as Liv attempts to process this turn of events.
''Wow,'' Benson manages finally, ''I mean, he's a great guy, and I know you two are close. I just didn't know you were...'' she clears her throat and gestures in the vicinity of Amanda's stomach.
''Oh, we're not. I mean, we are. Obviously. But we're not just sleeping together. We're...we're together.''
Amanda takes in Olivia's shell-shocked expression and realizes that if someone had told her six months before that she'd be in her current situation, she would have looked exactly the same way.
The Way it Was – January, 2018
It begins like any other day.
Rollins and Carisi drive up to Farmingville to investigate white nationalist Randy Platt's possible involvement in a sexual assault at a protest. Citing 'an old line of duty injury', Carisi charms Randy's mom into letting them in the house, and they're questioning her about her son's connection to the victim when a fire bomb smashes though the window and ignites the living room. The three of them head for the back door as smoke spreads through the house, and make it outside unscathed.
When their day finally winds down hours later, Rollins invites Carisi over for dinner, which is nothing usual. They pick up some Chinese takeout and beers, and head to Amanda's place. Jesse's already asleep when they arrive, and after saying goodbye to the sitter and checking in on her daughter, they sprawl on the couch in front of some bad reality TV and dig in. Still buzzing from the firebombing hours before, they relive the insanity of the moment, Carisi making sweeping gestures with his hands, and Rollins laughing at his re-enactment of her shocked expression when it all went down.
''How is that old line of duty injury, anyway?'' she asks with a smirk, as she gives the alleged offending shoulder a squeeze.
''It's fine now, Rollins,'' Carisi deadpans as he playfully shoves her hand aside.
''No really,'' Amanda persists, reaching for it again, ''You need any help with that, or -''
He leans back and away from her with a laugh, and as he does, she loses her balance and tips forward, the motion bringing them perilously close together. As Rollins looks into Carisi's impossibly blue eyes, she thinks of the way their arms had instinctively wrapped around around each other as the firebomb had flown through the window, and the feel of his hand on her back, guiding her away from the flames as adrenaline shot through her veins. The last of the willpower that had been slowly collapsing since their close call in West Virginia two months before crumbles away. In an instant, her lips are on his and his arms are coming around her, pulling her close. The feel of his body pressed to hers and the scent of his aftershave sends her reeling in a way she isn't ready for. Amanda knows that in theory it's a bad idea, but she's fought it for too long, and she leads him to her bedroom without hesitation.
She expects it to be a one-time thing, that she would get it out of her system and things would hopefully carry on as they always had. But once she knows the feel of his lips pressed to hers, his hands on her body, and the warmth of his bare skin, Amanda finds she can't stay away. She continues to invite Carisi over for 'dinner' and to 'see Jesse', but they both know what she's really asking, and they invariably end up falling into bed together as soon as her daughter is asleep.
It gives Amanda a secret thrill, this thing between the two of them that only they know about. She teases Carisi at an early morning crime scene, about wearing the same suit to work two days in a row, as if she wasn't the one who had taken it off him piece by piece the evening before, and that suit hadn't spent the night on her bedroom floor. She revels in the pink tinge it brings to his cheeks.
Despite her reservations that their friendship might change as sex becomes an ongoing part of their dynamic, Amanda finds it's stronger than ever. She has Carisi's back during his niece Mia's rape case; she can see it weighing on him, and even though she always thought he had an ideal family compared to hers, she can see some cracks showing. She does what she can to reassure him, and finds herself defending Carisi to Peter Stone with a fierceness beyond what it would have been just a few weeks before.
By March, Rollins has to admit to herself that Carisi doesn't just want a casual thing. She can see it in the way he looks at her, how he always stays the night, his arms reaching for her in his sleep, the way he makes her breakfast in the morning, humming with contentment in her tiny kitchen. It's not what she'd been looking for, what she'd expected, when she'd leaned into him that night in January, and she's not sure what to make of it. They have a good thing going, but Amanda can't help feeling like Sonny's meant for something more – the doting, virtuous woman he deserves, without the ghosts and baggage and another man's kid.
A cardiologist, who Amanda's pretty sure has been eyeing her for a while, asks her out after their yoga class, inviting her for dinner at Eleven Madison Park. The guy's a little older, handsome enough, charming and sophisticated, and obviously making good money. But even though she and Sonny haven't put a label on things, and definitely haven't talked about being exclusive, Amanda says no.
''If you don't want to go, I will,'' her classmate Janelle smirks as Al walks away, visibly stung by the rejection, ''Dinner for two at that place is like a thousand bucks''
Amanda just shrugs, a smile quirking the corners of her mouth at the realization that she'd rather be eating a plate of homemade pasta at her tiny dining room table with Sonny Carisi, that this is more than dark bedrooms and stolen moments of passion. The way her heart pounds when he looks at her across the squad room, or their fingers brush when he hands her a coffee is more than just a physical response. She never gets tired of his company and feels an emptiness when he's not around. She likes him – he's her person.
But still, Amanda resists the notion of it being 'a relationship'. She gently steers Carisi away from the idea of going on dates or making things official. Outside the bubble of her apartment, they keep their distance, kisses and touches saved for when they're alone.
With Rollins' Jeep in the shop one day, they risk driving to work together, and are almost busted by Fin as they wait for the elevator with matching coffee cups and flirtatious smiles. Getting in, Fin looks between them with a raised eyebrow, but just as Amanda's certain he's about to comment, the doors open and several patrol officers step into the space between them. When they reach their floor and emerge from the elevator, Carisi and Rollins try to distract Fin with their talk of his grandson and Paw Patrol, and Amanda hopes it makes him forget all about it.
Benson sends them to Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania on a case, the six hour drive calculated by Google Maps turning into five with Rollins at the wheel. After searching the home music studio of James Turner and turning the case on its head, they call Liv with the new information and head back towards New York City. Two hours into the drive and getting hungry, they pass a billboard for an old train car that's been converted into a 1950's diner, and Carisi pulls off the road.
''Really?'' asks Amanda, scrunching up her nose.
''Come on, Rollins,'' grins Sonny, ''It'll be fun.''
The diner is kitschy, with life-sized figures of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, and a jukebox in the corner. They slide into a red and white vinyl booth and order burgers and shakes, and their conversation flows over the sounds of 50's classics.
Heading back towards the car, Carisi gives Rollins a nudge.
''You know,'' he says,'' I think this can almost be counted as a date.''
''Really?'' she asks with mock disdain, ''That's where you would take me on a date?''
''Well I don't know,'' Carisi shrugs, ''You never let me take you out.''
Amanda's teasing smile dissipates, as she looks away uncertainly.
''I just...I don't want people knowing our business.''
''Well, there's nobody we know here...'' he points out, looking around the parking lot with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
He leans in towards Amanda, a smile dancing on his lips, but holds back and lets her close the gap. When she does it's with a passion she doesn't expect – kissing out here is like a whole new experience, like their first kiss all over again. When they part, Carisi is grinning like a fool, and it makes her laugh.
''Come on,'' Rollins tells him, ''We have to get back and relieve the sitter.''
''We?'' Carisi asks, raising a brow.
She shrugs.
''Sure, if you want to come over. I mean, you don't have to -'' her teasing is cut short by his lips landing on hers for a quick kiss, before he takes her hand in his.
''When you put it that way,'' he smiles, gently tugging her hand as her laughter rings across the parking lot, ''Let's go.''
May is an emotional roller coaster, an onslaught of tough cases hitting the squad hard. Driving Jules Hunter home and away from her abusive husband, Carisi's car is broadsided, and she finds him sitting in the back of an ambulance, covered in Jules' blood as he tries to put into words what happened and how he'd unsuccessfully tried to save her life. She takes him home, and helps him get cleaned up, speaking words of comfort as she wipes the blood from his face. She tucks him into his bed, and Carisi falls immediately into a fitful sleep. Though Amanda needs to get home to Jesse, she finds she can't tear herself away. She sits by Sonny's bedside as the minutes tick by, watching over him as she fights dark thoughts, wondering how she would have gone on without him if things had played out differently.
On the heels of Jules Hunter comes Esther. Amanda is devastated to discover it was her bullet that had killed the innocent young woman she had tried so hard to save. Her one shot. Carisi appears at her door that night, unannounced. He says nothing when she lets him in, just pulls her to him and lets the sobs pour out of her until she has nothing left. Then they climb into her bed and she falls asleep with her head on his chest and his arms around her. It's the first time that him staying at her place isn't just the aftermath of them being intimate.
Investigating the rape of Madeline Thomas in her convalescent home a couple of weeks later, Rollins interviews Leonard Maxwell about an encounter he had with the victim at her bakery all the way back in 1966. Speaking about her, even decades later, the former professor's love for Maddie is written all over his face, and Amanda realizes she sees the same look whenever Carisi's gaze meets hers. It both thrills and terrifies her.
June finds Rollins feeling rundown and generally lousy. It's Carisi who considers it first, Carisi, who's always been so in tune with her, even before they'd crossed that line. And so, Amanda finds herself once again sitting on the edge of her bathtub, a pregnancy test in her hand, two blue lines shining brightly on a white background. But this is different. This time, she's not alone.
''Wow,'' Carisi says, eyes wide, ''This is...''
Amanda tenses up, ready for words of regret or dismay, even though she knows he's a stand-up guy, that he'd never just walk out on their kid.
''This is great!'' Sonny exclaims, breaking into a broad grin.
''It is?''
''Yeah! I mean, obviously it's unexpected, since we've been so careful...but – it's going to be great, Amanda.''
She doesn't reply, and Carisi looks to her solemn face with concern.
''Unless...you're not sure about this?'' he asks, his eyes searching hers, ''About havin' another baby?''
Amanda tries to get a handle on the emotions swirling through her as she processes the news.
''I'm just...I just didn't see this coming is all. I'm happy, Carisi – I'm happy it's with you.''
Sonny smiles and takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as she looks at him with hesitation.
''But we haven't even talked about...''
''...About us?'' he finishes, ''We'll be fine. We don't need to talk about that now. Let's just enjoy this.''
A smile spreads over Amanda's face as his words calm and soothe her, and she sinks against him as his arm comes around her shoulders.
But when she lies in bed that night, Carisi sleeping contentedly next to her, Rollins thinks about the life inside her and what it means for them. As happy as Sonny makes her, as amazing a father as he'll certainly be, Amanda worries. Worries he'll feel stuck with her, like he has to stay because of the baby, no matter how many regrets he may have when it comes to her. Every man she's trusted with her heart has let her down, and no man has had as much of her heart as Sonny Carisi. She's afraid she'll inevitably screw it up, somehow destroy this thing they've built that makes her happier than she's ever imagined.
The Way it Will Be – October, 2018
It all starts to click for Amanda Rollins as she leans against a patrol car, feeling lightheaded and trying to wash away the bitter taste in her mouth. Six months into her pregnancy, Amanda's morning sickness days are mostly behind her, but the brutality of Vicki Parson's murder scene set off a visceral reaction that had sent her stomach reeling. Carisi hovers nervously next to her, making sure she's okay.
''Just hormones,'' she replies dismissively, waving him off.
Amanda's phone dings with news of the case, and her foggy pregnancy brain can't seem to process how to take it out of her pocket while holding her coat in one hand and water in the other.
''Let me hold this, come on,'' Carisi says, taking the water bottle from her.
Rollins pulls out her phone and her flustered state starts to ease as she relays the new information to Liv, and Amanda re-groups and gets back to the case. It's a small thing, a brief moment that says so much about Carisi and the kind of man he is.
Amanda knows that the less-than-permanent nature of their relationship sits squarely on her shoulders. She's content with Sonny, and excited to greet their little girl in the next few months, but things between them are far from finalized. The nagging feeling in her gut that she's not enough for him, that she'll screw things up or he'll change his mind, just won't ease.
They go out on dates now, their families and colleagues know they're together, and he stays over at her place several times a week. But there's an unspoken void sitting between them, filled with all the steps they haven't taken and things they haven't said. Amanda knows Carisi's letting her take the lead, holding back from telling her what he really wants, how he really feels, the words he won't allow himself to say dancing on his tongue. She suspects that if it were up to him, he'd have moved in with her and Jesse by now, and his grandmother's engagement ring would be shining on her finger. But he knows these things don't come as easily for her, and he's more patient than she probably deserves.
''You've got to do what's right for you...for Jesse, for this little baby,'' Carisi had told her, his palm pressing gently to her swollen belly as their daughter's acrobatics added to the fluttering in her stomach caused by his touch.
She tells him she's happy with him, and she truly is...she just needs more time.
That time comes in the middle of the night, after visiting the Accredo house in pursuit of Vicki's killer.
''How do we allow ourselves to feel deserving of everything we want?'' Arlo Beck had asked of his devoted followers at the seminar Rollins and Carisi had crashed. Beck's attempt to analyze Amanda's insecurities had been unwelcome, not to mention creepy, but the question sticks with her.
She awakens that night, the words ringing in her ears. Amanda's eyes fill with tears as it hits her: Carisi is the happiness she deserves. She's conquering the demons of her past, fighting for justice, being a devoted mother for Jesse, and choosing to love the most compassionate, wonderful man she's ever known.
And she does love him.
Their four years of solid friendship has cultivated a genuine understanding and trust between them that Amanda's never had before. Sonny Carisi has seen the worst of her, knows her darkest secrets, has dealt with her insane family, her commitment issues, and their unplanned pregnancy, and he's still there. He's been there for her every step of the way, long before the cold January night that everything changed.
He takes care of her, and she wants to take care of him just as much. And she does, she thinks. She wants them to keep taking care of each other for the rest of their lives. And she wants the rest of their lives to start right now.
''You okay?''
His voice in the near darkness startles her for a moment, and Sonny reaches over and to rest a reassuring hand on her waist. Amanda looks to him, tears still sparkling in her eyes, and smiles.
''What's right for me is you.''
Carisi's brow creases, his sleepy brain trying to process what she's saying, as his thumb traces gentle circles against her hip.
''I know I've been....'' Amanda takes a deep breath as she tries again, ''Any doubts I've had...they're not about you. They're about me. I just didn't want you to feel like you had to stay with me because of the baby.''
''Rollins...''
''Just let me....'' she says gently as she lays a hand on his, ''I didn't want you throwing away a chance at real happiness because of me. But this...this is real. The way I love you, and the love I feel from you...I can't imagine you anywhere else but here with me – with us - and I'm sorry I didn't say it before.''
She studies him carefully, nervously gauging his reaction to her confession. Sonny exhales like the weight of the world has been lifted from his shoulders, and a smile lights up his face.
''Amanda...'' he says, his hand shifting from her waist to her cheek, ''I loved you before I even knew this baby existed, and her coming into our lives, well maybe it hurried things along a little, but...this is what I want. You are what I want. Here with you is exactly where I want to be.''
He moves in the next week, their lives meshing seamlessly together, and by the time Billie Marie Carisi is born a few weeks into the New Year, the family heirloom is settled firmly on Amanda's finger.
''Just us,'' Amanda sighs contentedly as she looks around her hospital room, Billie nestled in her arms and a beaming Jesse in Sonny's, ''Just family.''