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The sinking feeling was almost drowning, the rapid breath he desperately tried to get into his lungs came shallow. The dizziness and nausea came like a fist blow to his stomach and he needed to crouch down to not pass out.
How did it escalate so quickly, how could he have gotten so angry, what had he done?
He put his head to the ground in between his legs where he was sitting on the wet asphalt. Panic arising in his chest and he could feel how he slowly accepts the event he just witnessed. The event he was in - made.
If he could turn back time, maybe he could have taken everything to a friendlier end. But here he was, tears streaming down his cheeks, a heart breaking from the things he could never get undone. Here he was with blood on his hands and dead eyes looking up at him from where he had let his lifeless body fall to the cold stones which now slowly turns red in the light from the moon.
***
He found himself outside of the door in the alleyway way earlier than he had hopped, they wouldn't let him in this time. They would let him stay out here in the rain and leave him here with all the consequences he had to meet - alone.
He took a deep breath, put up the hood on his hoodie that earlier sunk down from his head when he ran. Hands shaking and eyes constantly flickering between the street lights to make sure he's alone, that they didn’t follow him here.
The first knocks were unsure, but he knocked once more, harder and more determined to wake whoever was living on the other side of the door. He was just centimeters away from the door to knock once more when he could see silhouettes in the windows of the door, he took a step back, waiting for them to open the door.
He once again let his eyes trail the empty street around him, the feeling of someone watching him suffocating him where he stands under the streetlamp, open for whoever out there to finlay take a bite on him. He can feel how sweat droplets start to build at his spine and he couldn’t wish for anything else than for the silhouettes on the other side of the door to open it and let him in.
Just as he make’s himself ready to kock once again the door opens, leaving his shaking hand hanging in front of himself. He quickly hides his hand in the pocket of his hoodie before they see what he has done.
“Can we help you, kid?” One of the three men in front of him asks. But he can’t do anything else than nod his head. “It’s cold outside, come in.”
But he can’t do anything else than shake, his head, his hands, his whole body. He couldn’t think about anything else than the way it feels like his skeleton is trying to shake out of his body.
“I- I didn’t mean to.” His mouth ran before he could stop it and by the feeling of not being able to control his own body he started to sob.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” One of the men in front of him asks and he nods his head and lets the three strangers lead him into the warmth of their house.
They left him on the sofa and all he could think about was they knew, they knew what he had done before he showed up here. Desperate for their help and nowhere else to go. He takes his hands out of the pocket of his hoodie and slowly rubs them against each other, trying to get rid of the shakes and the feeling of the liquid still on them. Phantom feelings haunt his thoughts as he hears the three men come back into the living room and he quickly puts his hands back in his pocket.
“Here you go,” one of the men said with a warm voice and gave him a cup of tea at the same time one of the other men draped him with a fluffy blanket. “Hope it will warm you up.” But all he can focus on are his hands, how they now probably can see the terrible thing he has done.
“Why don’t you tell us why you're here, your one of Charles' friends? Lando right?” A man with curly hair says and takes a seat next to him. If they knew what he had done to their friend he wouldn’t want to sit next to him.
“I- I was supposed to meet him tonight.” Lando says before putting down the cup of tea on the table in front of him. Never dropping his gaze from his bloody hands. “Oh, God. What have I done?” He put his head into his hands and sobs.
Two hands squeeze his knees and Lando can’t help but panic. They shouldn't be here, comforting him, when he is out there.
“I didn’t mean to do it. It all escalated too quickly, he- he was so angry. I was so angry.” He hiccup out. “I didn’t think, I really didn’t think about the consequences.”
An arm drapes around his shoulders and Lando can’t help but lean into the embrace, feeling how they really try to comfort him.
“What happened, Lando. Where is Charles?” The man in front of him asks and Lando meets his gaze.
“I killed him.”
“Please take everything from the start, you were out with Charles?” The man squeezed his knees once more and Lando took a deep breath.
“I had lended him money for a while, my fathers money to be precise. But five days ago my father said he could no longer borrow me any more money, I think his business ain’t going that great right now. And my first thought was to get the money from Charles that he had borrowed. And since Charles’ the one who introduced me to this, it wasn’t more than fair to get my money back.” Lando rambled out.
“Introduce you to what, Lando?” The only one who hadn’t said anything yet said this time, and his voice was dripping with judgement.
“He introduced me to drugs, and once turned to twice who turned to once a month and then it turned to weekly. You know how it is, I’m not proud of it, I really am not, but this shit is addictive. But we arranged a meeting tonight at our normal meeting point. And long story short, he had no money with him, I got really angry, he got really angry. I found a stone. I quickly realized stone against head isn’t a great combo and he just went limb. I can still see how his body just slumps down, how his lifeless eyes look up at me, how the blood from his temple is coloring the asphalt.”
“Max call Charles,” the one in front of Lando says before the judgemental one disappears. “Lando, I need to know one thing, can you tell me one thing?”
Lando feels how his knee get’s a warm squeeze but he can’t focus, he’s too hot and all he can think about is the way everyone is looking at him.
“Lando?” The man next to him asks this time and Lando meets his eyes. He stops shaking and all he does is look into those chocolate brown eyes. “Where did you leave Charles?”
“At the end of the city, at the alley, the dead end where the club is.” Lando says and looks down at his hands once more. It feels like for everytime he looks at them they turn even more red, like his concuises let his sins bleed onto his hands. “What have I done?”
“Daniel,” The judgemental man, Max, says as he re-enters the room once again. Daniel, who has been sitting next to him, gives Lando a small smile before disappearing out of the room with Max.
“Your hands are shaking, man. Here let me warm them for you,” Carlos says before reaching for his hands. But Lando quickly pulls them away.
“There’s blood on them,” Lando says and looks at the red blood which is still dripping at his fingers.
“Let’s wash it away then,” Carlos gives Lando a panicked gaze before taking a grip around his torso and lifts him up from the sofa. Helping him to the bathroom to watch away the blood. Carlos helps Lando wash his hands and all Lando can see is how the otherwise transparent liquid turns deeply red from all the terrible thighs he has done.
“Let’s get you back to the sofa, I’ll give you a dry hoodie as well.” Carlos guides Lando back on unsteady feets and he sees Max and Daniel waiting for them to get back.
“New hoodie,” Carlos says when he seats Lando back in between the blankets. Daniel follows Carlos out of the room and Lando watches after them.
“How did you end up in this situation with Charles in the first place?” Max asks and Lando panics. His head hurts from all the questions and he can feel how his breathing shortens. Panic attacks ain’t anything new for him, but if he could help it, he didn’t like to have them in front of strangers.
“Breathe Lando, breathe.”
He can hear how Max tries to drag him out of his thoughts but everything hurts, everything spins around him and he can’t, even if his life depended on it, get any air into his lungs. He sees Charles' face in front of him and he wishes he could take it back, everything. Even if it meant that he didn’t know the man anymore it would be better than one dead friend. If he could turn back time to the beginning of the year and no classes, no parties and no Charles was in his life. He would be happy.
He feels two more hands on him where he now lays down on the sofa and he finally gets a shallow breath into his lungs.
“That’s it Cabrón, breath.” Lando does just that, he breathes once more before he turns around and empties his stomach on the floor beside the sofa.
“‘m sorry,” he says before laying down on his back once again, shuts his eyes and takes two deep breaths more. “I’m so sorry, I should go.”
But he doesn’t come long before Daniel but two hands on his shoulders to keep him still. The panic arises once again and he feels how sweat starts to build at the back of his neck.
“Get off Daniel, he’s panicking even more!” Max says and moves Daniel off him.
“Help me get rid of his body, please.” He’s crying and he can’t do anything about it. “Please help me.”
***
During the past fifteen minutes the four of them have been walking, all Lando could think about is that someone is following him. That someone is watching his every move, tracking down a time to strike. To get him in the middle of the act. Put him behind barns.
He turns around for the fifth time in three minutes, not that he has been counting, and like every other time. There’s no one there. Lando shakes the thought away and starts to walk a little bit faster to keep up with Carlos. Without overthinking it, Lando takes Carlos hand in his and tries to ground himself. He’s safe, no one's out there to get him, he’s safe here with Carlos by his side. With Max and Daniel walking right in front of them.
“It’s left now and then we’re there,” Lando says and he feels how Carlos squeezes his hand before turning left.
“I told you,” Max says to Daniel and Lando stops walking.
In front of them stands Charles. He’s not on the ground, he’s not dead but he can see that he’s angry.
“Lando.” Charles says and Lando hides behind Carlos before Charles can say anything more.
“Charles, care to explain?” Max says to the supposed-to-be-dead Charles.
“Tu es mort, Lando,” Charles says and puts a hand to his head. “That idiot hit me!”
“Ah, that part was true then.” Daniel says before he laughs.
“Tu es si mort. I passed out on the ground and he was gone. So much for friends.” Charles takes the hand from his forehead and the red spot on his fingers makes Lando see red.
He drops Carlos hand before launching away, rushing away from the men that took care of him the past hour. He hears how they shout his name and how footsteps echo after him. He turns right and sprints down the almost empty road before taking a wrong step and he feels how he helplessly drops to the ground, how all anxiety he has been building up during the night finally crushing him. They got him, the paranoia finally showed to be right, they were there. Standing over him, seeing past him and all he could do was to close his eyes and sob.
“Lando!” Voice echoes around him, inside of him. “Cabrón, you can’t just run away like that.”
Hands touch his body, his soul and he panics. He turns away from the fingers that try to suffocate him, tries to drag his soul out of his body.
“Don’t, don’t, don’t.” He says as it’s rehearsed.
“Lando, you’re safe. You’re just on the side effects,” Charles' voice comes from right in front of him and he dares to open his eyes. Blue eyes meet his own fearful once. “Oh, Lando. What have I done to you?”
“You’re dead. I killed you.” Lando says. “You’re dead, I killed you.”
“I’m alive, see.” Charles reaches for his hand but Lando pulls it away before he can reach it.
“You’re dead!” He shouts, closes his eyes and repeats the sentence like a maniac. He sits up, puts his head in between his knees and puts his hands over his ears. He needs to ground himself in some way before he actually loses himself.
He doesn't know how long he sits like that but too early he feels hands on his shoulders and he screams. He tries to get out of the grip but the person who holds him is just as stubborn as himself. His energy quickly washes away and he collapses on the streat, praying for whoever is holding him upright right now is friendly enough to help.
“Come on Lando, we will help you,” Lando opens his eyes and he sees the flu color of the ambulance that stands next to him.
“I’m not crazy,” Lando says to the woman he sees hold him upright.
“No, of course not. But we will help you get better,” he searches the faces around and soon finds Carlos and Charles worried gazes. He sees Daniel and Max stand hand in hand and watch on. How did this happen? When did they call an ambulance?
“I don’t want to be alone,” he says as he gets guided into the ambulance, not dropping his eye contact with Charles.
“You don’t have to, Sweetheart.” She turns around and says something to the other parametric but all Lando can think about is his speeding heart and how terribly wrong everything whent. “Who do you want to bring with you?”
Lando points in the direction of Carlos and Charles. “The two of them.”
***
Two month later he sits and watches out of the car window, he follows the tree’s that pass and he plays with the bracelet he got from Carlos a month ago. He still smells like disinfection and he feels out of his body. But he’s on his way home, for the first time in two months.
“A penny for your thoughts?” Carlos says and puts a hand on his thigh. Carlos had visited every week, trying to keep Lando sane at rehab. That night two months ago he had never been more afraid of himself. He had heard all the tales when he was a child, never do drugs, never drink, be good.
But he had met Charles. And Charles was cool, he was the one you went to when you wanted whatever you wanted. And he was older, which meant more experienced.
Lando’s first year at college introduced himself and Charles to one another. Lando looked up to him and he was nothing but proud to call Charles his friend. But one thing turned into another and then they fought - a lot. Lando knew he wasn’t an angel, but he also knew Charles wasn’t a full sinner.
And that night two months ago Lando knew he wasn’t supposed to take everything he had, he also knew that he shouldn't have run away, searching for people only Charles talked about in stories. He knew how he could have ended up way worse than what he thought Charles did.
“Even though it sounds wrong, I’m happy about that night two months ago,” Lando closed his eyes and put his head on the car window. “If it never happened, I wouldn’t have got the help I needed and I would never have met you, Daniel and Max.”
Lando took Carlos' hand from his leg and intertwined his fingers with Carlos.
“I think we should have met anyway,” Carlos reaches their intertwined hands upwards and Lando feels how Carlos lips met the skin on the back of his hand. “Welcome home Cariño and congratulations for being clean for two month.”
Lando opens his eyes and smiles to his friends that stand outside of the trio's apartment door. His family, he realized these past two months.