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There was nothing like being a teenager. A time of rapid and significant changes in emotional and physical aspects alike; the age where you break out of the shell that your parents moulded you in to explore and find out more about yourself; and the period where all the stupidest, regrettable, and most idiotic decisions get made, which are looked back on as funny anecdotes as adults.
Like doing a tad bit too much drugs, not cherishing your young body and realising how painful it was to not be able to run like before, or not paying attention in that one physics class that ultimately led to a domino effect taking place.
And, for most cases, falling in love.
In Ryujin’s case, it proved to be the worst decision she’s ever made. Not that it was really a decision, though.
The adults would tell Ryujin that she’s ‘confused’, and that she was supposed to dress ‘like a lady’, to be graceful and sophisticated and all the jazz that came with being born with a vagina.
Truthfully, Ryujin has never understood that.
She never understood why she wasn’t supposed to spread her legs while sitting. Never understood why she’s encouraged to wear dresses and miniskirts and high heels even as a child, though she favoured jeans and clothing that you could actually move around in. Never understood why boys didn’t need to cook and clean, while girls had to do chores and learn to cook to be ‘good wives for their husbands’. Never understood why boys could only fall in love with girls and vice versa.
Ryujin has always been an outspoken, opinionated person who loved giving others a piece of her mind, and she’d never miss an opportunity to argue with someone who had opposing moral compasses, because how could they justify beating two people to death just because they were both boys and in love?
It just didn’t make sense.
And so it wasn’t surprising that the wayward adolescent would soon grow up to become notorious and feared even among the teachers only a few years later. Not a single person could win a debate against the silver-tongued lass, and not a single person could control her or tell her what to do. She’s headstrong, straight-forward and more that you’d see in a standard high school jock back in the 90s.
And that’s exactly what she is. Minus being a perverted douchebag with superiority complexes who can’t handle rejection since they’ve never been told ‘no’ their entire life. That would whine and cry like a toddler whenever they don’t get their way.
No, she wasn’t one of those.
Ryujin has to admit, after years of charming her way out of and into things, she’d think that she would be able to flirt well. While, yes, she could, she finds her tongue in her knot if she ever tried flirting with Hwang Yeji, a particular cat-eyed student body president that she had her eye on for a long time now.
No matter how hard she tried to impress her, she’d be shot down, not directly, but with a scoff or a grin paired with a roll of eyes, and nothing else.
Talk about being humbled.
But just why was it so hard for her to charm the socks off this girl?
Was she being too friendly and less romantic? Was Yeji just not interested in pretentious rebels? Or, even worse, was Yeji… straight?
Ryujin was disgusted by the word, or its counterpart, heterosexual, since she was everything but that. And so were everyone she surrounded herself with, really. The surface-level laconic, gruff, no-nonsense lesbian—who was a sweetheart underneath her mask—‘adopted’ every single non-heterosexual or non-cisgender person that was afraid of getting outed into her friend group, with the promise that she’d beat up anyone that dared to harass them.
You either hate her or love her.
Ryujin had asserted herself as a person not to be messed with or easily swayed to ward off any heterosexual boy that dared put his hands on her, and so, she’s successfully attracted many girls who like girls, but turned them all down.
Why would she turn the hottest, most sought-after girls down when they had interest in her? Answer’s simple.
She had her eye on someone else.
But that someone else didn’t seem to notice.
She couldn’t fathom how Yeji wasn’t picking up on her hints, or maybe she knew, but didn’t take interest in her, since she didn’t have the best name for herself anyway. Meanwhile Yeji was the epitome of a model student, the perfect teen that every teacher adored, every student wanted to be, and every parent wanted in their child.
But, hey, opposites attract, right?
Ryujin hasn’t given up that easily, though, she’s pulled through for five years, what was one, two, three, or even ten more?
She’s supposed to be bold, asserting, but when it comes to Hwang Yeji, she melts like butter on a hot day. Shying away like a spooked puppy when she’d bump into her anywhere.
What was this sorcery?
Quite frankly, it was embarrassing the effect Yeji had on her. Cracking her stony mask with even the slightest stare and fleeting touch.
What the fuck are you, Hwang Yeji?
“Could you possibly go smoke elsewhere?” Chaeryeong grumbles as she bats away the ugly grey clumps of smoke that were floating right towards her face. “I think I’ve gotten enough second hand smoke this week.”
Ryujin doesn’t answer. She just smirks and blows another cloud into Chaeryeong’s face, and she socks Ryujin in the shoulder, making her laugh.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Chaeryeong tuts, resisting the urge to just pinch out the cigarette that she knew was Ryujin’s last, but deciding not to just in case she burns her fingertips off.
“Not like you didn’t call me that twelve times today,” Ryujin shrugs, taking another drag.
“Great, then this’ll be the thirteenth reminder,” Chaeryeong quips. “You’re an asshole and I hate you to death. I’m not letting you copy the notes.”
“Don’t say that,” Ryujin whines playfully. “I love you though.”
“And I hate you, so prepare to fail.”
“Ryeongie,” Ryujin frowns, eyes glistening as they do whenever she’s begging Chaeryeong for a favour or something else. She shakes Chaeryeong’s wrist like a toddler trying to get her mother’s attention, but Chaeryeong just closes her eyes, taking a deep breath as she fights the urge to punch Ryujin in the face. “Please?”
“You’re so annoying, my god,” Chaeryeong rolls her eyes, swatting Ryujin’s hand away. “Fine. If you promise to stop fucking smoking inside the house.”
“That’s all?”
“Just get your nicotine-addicted ass out the front already.”
“Are you going to let me copy though?”
“Yes, yes, I will, just get out. Can’t let you plagiarise if I can’t fucking focus.”
Ryujin jumps up like a kid at their birthday party and she dashes out the front door, nearly splintering the door as she exits. Her best friend just shakes her head, sighing to herself.
Why did I choose to acquaint myself with this lout?
But she smiles, because she wouldn’t have it any other way. They balance each other out, and that was beautiful in of itself.
Ryujin steps out of the front of the house—one that she bought with the money she stole from a bigoted old man with the help of scamming—and she looks up to the sky as she inhales another breath of her cig. It's both terrifying and intriguing, the things she's capable of.
Sometimes, she wonders if her parents regretted disowning her. Probably not, since all she’s done is get in fights, crimes, and smokes all day, but she was their only child.
Was, anyway. She doesn’t know how they’ve been since they cut off all contact with her.
Whatever, Ryujin scoffs. They probably replaced me with another child already.
A heterosexual, submissive, docile one that isn't capable of forming their own opinions and blindly follow like sheep, perhaps. Their idea of a good, perfect child. A puppet.
Ryujin clicks her tongue, letting the cigarette drop from between her fingers before she steps on the butt to put it out. The draughts of chilly wind smacked against her bare skin, and she shudders. Fall was arriving, and so was the cold.
As she turns around to head back inside, she hears a familiar voice, one that would make her heart race whenever she’d hear it, because it was just so rare.
“Shin Ryujin,” The rather stern voice called out, and Ryujin feels like a deer in headlights as she turns around, frozen, to meet none other than Hwang Yeji, the love of her life.
They don’t say anything at first, but as Yeji looks down at her feet to see the cigarette, she shakes her head.
“Smoked again?”
“Uh—yeah,” Ryujin responds sheepishly, and for the first time, she felt embarrassed for smoking, though it was her way of release. It didn’t help that Yeji’s tone resembled that of a teacher’s, or maybe a parent’s, austere and uncompromising. “It’s my—I can’t help it.”
“Okay,” Yeji nods, understanding. Ryujin was too focused on her face that she didn’t realise the satchel she had strapped over her shoulder.
“What’re you doing here?” Ryujin asks, somehow managing to stutter as Yeji’s eyes looked into hers, unblinking, and she hopes that the sentence didn’t come out too rude.
“Chaeryeong invited me over to work on the project,” Yeji explains.
“Project?” Ryujin lifts a brow. “What project?”
“Of course you wouldn’t know,” Yeji laughs a little, jabbing her index into Ryujin’s chest. “You skipped class. It’s on chem.”
Ryujin holds back the want to say ‘fuck chem’, but she thinks she’s made a bad enough impression on Yeji, so she just shuts her mouth as her ears and cheeks turn red from embarrassment.
“So you gonna let me in or what?”
“Y—oh, of course, yes,” Ryujin starts at the sudden snark in Yeji’s tone, and she rushes to open the front door, jittery because oh my god Hwang Yeji is in my house.
Just as Yeji steps foot into the house, Chaeryeong shoots herself at Yeji like a missile, wrapping her in a hug.
“You made it,” Chaeryeong smiles as Yeji cups her cheeks.
“‘Course I did,” Yeji reciprocates the smile as she boops noses with Chaeryeong. “I missed you.”
If you were in the room when Yeji did that, you’d feel a tension so tight it felt like you were under the sea, the pressure of the ocean squashing you.
Ryujin blinks in disbelief, stiff and rigid as her eye twitches.
Are you fucking kidding.
Chaeryeong takes notice, pulling away as she laughs nervously.
“Let’s go to my room?” Chaeryeong asks, and Yeji nods as she links their arms, letting herself be guiding by Chaeryeong.
There Ryujin stood, a mix of feelings tangled up that formed an abomination of emotion.
Was that a straight girl thing or was Chaeryeong dating her crush?
She didn’t even realise she was clenching her fist until the oven dinged, and right after, came a sweet smell.
Chaeryeong always bakes something when they had a guest over, but for some reason, it made her feel—what’s the word—jealous today.
Soon enough, Chaeryeong emerges from her room, giving Ryujin an apologetic stare before she pulls out the tray of muffins from the oven, dumping them onto a plate before she disappears back into the room.
Ryujin sighs. Welp, time for another cig. The aforementioned one was supposed to be her last stick on the day, but the way things are going, there was no harm in taking another one, right?
She pulls out another twelve-pack, still not forgetting the promise she made as she steps out onto the back patio, shutting the door behind her so hard the whole house shook.
She didn’t even intend to do that. She’d never been in control of her emotions, and that, paired with her explosive anger, was a match made in hell. It’s not pleasant when you’re the type of person whose movements were controlled by your emotions instead of your brain.
As she’s staring blankly into space, cigarette hanging loosely in between her fingers, the back door opens and there Chaeryeong stood.
“You want some muffins, Ryu?”
Ryujin doesn’t answer, continuing to stare at nothing, the ash from her cig dropping onto her thigh, but it barely burns.
“Ryujin.”
She’s still quiet, and to be honest, she feels a little childish for being so hot-headed and bad tempered, but she couldn’t think straight.
“What is up with you?”
“Just leave me alone.”
The words came as a shock to the both of them, since Ryujin was usually clingy, and stuck to Chaeryeong’s side like glue on paper. She herself didn’t even know why she said that.
“Okay,” Chaeryeong sighs, clearly at least a little hurt as she closes the door behind her, and Ryujin couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. It wasn’t like Chaeryeong did that on purpose. She never liked hurting Chaeryeong, but the venom of jealousy moved from stinging her heart to dripping from her words. It was so pathetic, so childish that a single friendly gesture between her best friend and someone that she knew she couldn't have could stir Ryujin up so much she's on the verge of an angsty breakdown.
Yeah, falling in love with someone who didn’t like her back truly was the worst decision she’s ever made.
She’s been content with not being in love nor having crushes on anyone, since she’s heard nothing but horror stories from people who’ve dated, and none came out good. But then there came Yeji, bulldozing through the walls that she put up, and making her rethink the times she swore on her grave that she wouldn’t act like a fool just to impress someone she likes. For five years, she’s tried every tactic in the book, even ones she’s learnt from her seniors that allegedly always worked in reeling their crush in. Spoiler alert, it did not work.
Her naïve self remembered saying that they might just be the perfect love story when she first developed a crush on Yeji, but this was proving to be different.
Teenagers are fascinating creatures.
Ryujin doesn’t know how long she sat there, ploughing through cig after cig, even as the night came and twilight painted the sky.
She just gives the night sky an empty stare as she drops her cigarette, the smoke dwindling out. Ryujin leans back in the lawn chair, sitting there for a moment to think about every path she’s chosen up to this point, every decision she's made that led up to her being a talentless, famous-for-the-wrong-reasons pain in the ass. What went wrong, and where?
For some reason, the cold didn’t even bother her as she sits there in nothing but a pair of shorts and an unbuttoned flannel. Once you felt the sting of jealousy and the realisation that the person you’re in love with is someone you couldn’t have, not even natural elements could sway you, as quoted by an angsty teen going through the turmoil of dealing with emotions.
The back door opens again.
“Ryujin?”
Her voice was always her favourite sound. But not right now.
“Come in, it’s cold.”
Ryujin stays silent, her gaze fixed on nothing in particular as she tried to telepathically tell her to just go away and let her grieve in silence.
“Why’re you so sour?” Yeji asks, her voice closer now, but Ryujin doesn’t bother turning her head to look at her. “Hey, look at me.”
Ryujin clenches her jaw, staying still.
“Is this about me and Chaeryeong?”
Ryujin feels her heart drop to her stomach. She wanted to say yes, but she couldn’t risk potentially hurting Yeji if they were actually dating.
She just wanted Yeji to be happy, even if she was with someone else. Chaeryeong would take good care of her anyway.
Yeji takes Ryujin’s silence as a yes, and she sighs.
“We’re not together.”
Ryujin knows she wasn’t supposed to feel happy, but she did.
“I just did that to make you jealous,” Yeji admits, and Ryujin’s poker face flickers a little. She wants to ask why, why she felt the need to. “I know you like me, Ryujin. It’s obvious.”
Ryujin feels embarrassed, shy, yet she's bracing herself for the rejection.
“And I do too. For a long time now. I liked you first.”
Her heart’s beating so fast it felt like she was about to bounce off the walls, but Ryujin somehow kept her composure. She was over the moon, yet mad because why did she go through all that when Yeji liked her first?
“Then why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Ryujin finally speaks, orotund voice coarser because she hasn’t spoken for an hour.
“I wanted to see if you actually liked me for me. Many people only liked me for my looks and to mooch off my grades and take advantage of my position in school, but you’re different,” Yeji explains. “I was testing your perseverance. Wanted to see how far and how long you’d go without much reaction from me.”
“You put me through all that? For fun?”
“It was hard for me too, Ryujin,” Yeji raises her voice, and Ryujin flinches a little. “You don’t understand how hard it was to hold it in. I watched you during your games, silently cheering you on even though it felt like I was never there. I wanted to kiss you so badly, you know that? Especially when you’d attempt flirting, but end up failing. It’s adorable, but I wanted to see how long you’d try.
And I think now’s the perfect time. I couldn’t believe you’re still trying after five years. That’s one part I like—no, love about you. You don’t give up. That’s the part of you that made me fall in love with you. I didn’t think I was worth this much effort, but you made me feel different. You made me feel loved, Ryujin. Especially when you'd give me gifts every Valentine's Day, and even when there wasn't a special occasion. I even kept this.”
Yeji holds her right hand up, and on the ring finger was a familiar silver ring. Ryujin’s bottom lip trembles as her grip on the armrests tighten. It was the ring that she'd anonymously given her on Valentine's Day when they were sophomores, an engraving of a heart etched on the inside.
She didn't think Yeji would keep it, but there it is, wrapped nicely around her ring finger.
It was too good to be true.
“I feel bad that I wasn't able to give you the same energy and appreciation back. I've felt so guilty. But I'm planning on making amends, and I promise to give you back all the years of love and support that you gave me. I may've wasted five years, but we can always make up for the lost time.”
Yeji finally moves herself into view, and Ryujin sees that she’s tearing up. She wants to comfort her so badly, but the hard-to-get part of her pushes her back.
Ryujin’s breath hitches as Yeji tilts her chin up to look her in the eyes, climbing onto her lap as she does so.
“I’m in love with you, Ryujin,” Yeji whispers, and Ryujin wipes a tear off her face with a thumb. “I like you a lot. I always have and I’m sorry that you had to go thr—”
Yeji gets cut off as her lips were claimed, gasping as Ryujin pulls her in by the waist, the warmth of their bodies touching enough to deter the coldness of the night air. Yeji melts, closing her eyes and leaning forwards, holding Ryujin’s face tight, as if that was the last time they were going to see each other.
Ryujin feels butterflies fill her stomach as Yeji smiles into the kiss. Yeji’s filled with an unknown joy as she feels Ryujin’s heart thumping so fast and loud, kissing her deeper and pressing their bodies together. The both of them could feel the desperation and yearning in each other's touch, the way they kissed, and the way they held each other as if it was their last, years of pining for each other now satisfied.
It was as if the universe intentionally put them together at this exact moment, the night sky illuminating them both in a halo-like ring of light.
Yeji pulls away first, blushing as she sees Ryujin staring at her as if she was the best person to ever walk the earth, tattooed arms wrapped in a protective hold around her waist.
“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” Yeji whispers as she leans in to kiss Ryujin’s bottom lip, then her chin, then her forehead. “I can’t believe this is real.”
Yeji's breathless as Ryujin kisses her again, as if to comfirm that this is real.
She leaves a sound kiss on Yeji’s forehead, and she smiles, wider than she ever has.
Yeji was always worth it. It was all worth it, just for her.
“I’m in love with you too.”
Ryujin can admit that she’s made many mistakes and regrettable decisions in her life, but falling in love with Yeji wasn’t one.
And as she holds Yeji in her arms, both silently admiring the stars and moon that hung above,
it may just be the opposite.