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Do you remember, hyung?
Of that glade we used to visit when we were kids, where we hid from the school bullies that ran after us trying to get our lunch money? Because even if you were older and stronger than them, you always said that violence wasn’t the solution... but, at the same time, you said that I should never let them take advantage of me. So we hid.
That’s how we discovered it, during one of our attempts to run away from the bullies, after they had beaten the living shit out of us. You always fought in my place, saying it was no big deal and that it was your duty to protect me. They would corner me in an alley behind the school, try to take my wallet by force, and then you would appear out of nowhere, putting yourself in front of me to stop them.
They would twist your arm, make you kneel on the ground and punch you so hard. I was a coward and so scared, frozen in place, my back against the grid; I couldn’t do anything but watch you suffering what was supposed to be happening to me. But then one day I gathered a strenght that I didn’t even know I had, took a piece of wood that was near some barrels and hit the head of one of the guys that were punching you.
He fell on his back, completely knocked out. The other 3 bullies were screaming his name, trying to wake him up, but I just didn’t give a fuck. I took you by the arm that wasn’t harmed, put it around my neck and ran, as fast as i could, to get as far away as possible from that place.
It seemed like we had lost them, but after a while I heard footsteps behind us. You could barely walk, I was literally dragging you around. I didn’t know where we were, I just wanted to run away from those boys and take you to a safe place.
And we found one, remember?
It was a glade surrounded by a vast row of trees, that prevented anyone from seeing anything from inside out and the other way around. We stood in a spot that was far away from the city, without many buildings. I had absolutely no idea how we had gotten there, even more taking in consideration the state you were in... I think my will to protect you, the same way you had always protected me, was bigger than anything else.
I put you down on the floor, asked you to sit, and tried to analyze your bruises. You took my hand and your eyes grew bigger, asking me if I was okay, if I was hurt. I can’t believe you sometimes, Seokjin. I assured you that I was fine and told you we needed to find a way to clean the cuts you had in your face.
I looked at you and saw that you had put your index finger in front of your mouth, telling me to be quiet. We held our breath for a moment, when we heard some noises in the distance. Even though we thought they would never find us, it was better to be careful. After what had felt like eternity, the noises stopped and we could relax again.
I took a water bottle out of my backpack, ripped a piece of my uniform shirt and wetted it, cleaning the dry blood from your forehead, left cheek and lower lip. You said it wasn’t needed, that you were okay, but right after that you let out a little groan, indicating that the wounds were still fresh and made you uncomfortable.
The sound of your complaint was so cute that I couldn’t help but smile. You were older than me, taller than me, stronger than me, but even so you looked just like a boy to me… a boy that I learned to admire.
You looked at me and asked what I was giggling about, what was so funny, but I didn’t say anything. So you lightly pushed my shoulder and said “Jeon Jeongguk, I’m your hyung and I demand an answer!” It only made you look even cuter and I started laughing out loud.
Of course it wasn’t that funny but I felt like laughing. The atmosphere was pleasant, the company made me feel lighter than feathers, the other boys couldn’t do anything to hurt us anymore and, for a moment, I started thinking about our age gap. You’re just one year older than me and, on a daily basis, you never asked me to use honorifics, but suddenly you wanted to remind me I was your dongsaeng.
I still didn’t reply, I wanted to see your limit, how far you were willing to go, and because I was having a good time. I guess you didn’t understand this last part, since you jumped on me and started tickling my sensitive spots, demanding for a response. I tried to say I was running out of breath, but you made it clear that you wouldn’t stop until you heard what you wanted.
But I decided to get revenge, remember? I put my hands up and attacked your armpits, taking you by surprise. You jolted, squealed and fell behind. You were always more ticklish than me, hyung. I took that breach and sat on you, doing the same things you had done to me a few moments before.
Your eyes closed and formed little marks around it, your nose wrinkled while you laughed and tried so desperately to get off me. Between gasping for air and failing to get out from under my body, you said I was being disrespectful, that you were older than me and that I would regret this.
“Jeon Jeongguk… y-you… will s-see… what’s c-coming… f-for you”.
It was strange to see you this way, so… vulnerable. For me, you were always someone to be afraid of, observe, look up to. I always felt so tiny beside you, so inferior. But, at the same time, it was nice to get to know this fragile side of yours that you showed only for me, even if it wasn’t on purpose.
My tickling was merciless and you didn’t know what to do anymore to try and stop me. You couldn’t do anything with your hands, because when I pressed myself on top of you, I trapped both of your arms between your body and my thighs. You laughed so hard, showing all your perfectly aligned white teeth. And, because of that, your lower lip started bleeding again.
I got hypnotized by that, even forgetting what I was doing. My hands landed on your ribs and I kept looking at the red stripe running down your chin. You realized I wasn’t tickling you anymore and started to observe me, with furrowed brows, not understanding why I had stopped so suddenly.
I moved invonluntarily, I swear to you. My hand found your face and I wiped the blood away from it, putting it on my white shirt, right beside that tear I had done before. And I did it again. And again, and again, and again, until I could stop the bleeding.
You stood there, under my body, frozen in place, just looking at me. But again, I swear I didn’t move on purpose, it was an automatic action, maybe because some repressed desire that I didn’t even know I had. I looked away from your mouth and got to your eyes. I lowered my head, getting closer to your face.
I kissed you.
I felt the softness of your lips against my own, as well as the rough surface caused by the cut, a light taste of rust and salt being absorbed by my skin.
But I didn’t care. I wanted it anyway.
When I moved away from you, you were looking to the side, your cheeks and ears getting redder as time passed. Your hands, still blocked by my legs, were closed in fists because of the embarrassment. Startled by my own action, I got up and just stood there, setting you free. You stayed there for a little while, laid on the floor, not knowing what to do.
But then you suddenly got up and started to run away, limping, stumbling… getting as far as you could from me.
I tried to call your name, I tried calling you “hyung”, but it was all in vain.
You didn’t look behind.
I went home that day, under an already dark sky, full of stars, blaming myself for being so stupid, for having done something so thoughtless, for making you feel that way. I was deeply sorry and decided to apologize to you as soon as I saw you in school the next morning.
You never showed up, though. I searched for you everywhere, but I couldn’t find you.
I thought it was because you didn’t want to see me ever again.
And then they told me.
That you had crossed a busy street while running away.
That your sore leg had made you stumble.
That you fell and was hit by a car.
And that you were rushed to a nearby hospital, that they did everything they could, but you had gotten into a comma.
My whole world crushed down right there at that moment. I couldn’t help but blame myself, because who made you feel so disturbed was me. Who made you suffer that accident was me.
The reason you are tied to this hospital bed for the past 5 years is me.
Seems like you haven’t gotten older at all, Seokjin. Not even the facial hair that is sprouting on your face makes you lose your youth, your glow, your liveliness. Your mom already told me that she needs to shave your face before everybody comes to say goodbye.
Before the doctors come to turn off the machines that are still keeping you alive.
That’s why I’m here, hyung, reliving this story again. Because I hope you still remember, that it is still present somewhere in your subconscious, and that you’ll take it with you wherever you go from here. Because I will never, ever, forget it.
I will never, ever, forget you.
I needed to remind you of that, Seokjin. Because one year from now, on this very day, it won’t make sense anymore. You won’t be my hyung anymore. From then on, the hyung will be me. This is the last chance I have to call you that way.
Five years had passed since then and I always waited for you to wake up and ask me again what was so funny at that moment. But there’s no hope anymore. You’re leaving me and this time is forever.
Leaving me with the desire of feeling your lips on mine once again.
What’s going to remain is the vague memory I have of how it felt when I kissed you and the doubt of what you felt when it happened…
Do you want to know the answer I never gave you, hyung? The reason I was smiling so much at that glade, five years ago?
It’s because I had discovered that I loved you.
And I still do.
I still love you.
I will forever love you.