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The first time he said it was the morning after.
They were both a bit shell shocked, although they really shouldn’t have been. It had been building between them for months now. They had tried to turn it into a playful joke, something everyone could laugh at and no one would take seriously.
But it definitely hadn’t been playful when Louis pinned him to the mattress and kissed him so hard he saw stars. And it was certainly not a joke when Harry’s nails scratched near permanent marks into Louis’ skin as he moaned his name through gritted teeth. And it felt quite serious when Louis hoarsely whispered, “No one can know” before falling asleep in the damp sheets next to Harry.
And now, as Louis buttoned his shirt, he glared out the window, keeping his back to Harry. “Listen,” he said. “What happened last night…it was a one shot thing. I – I’m not gay.”
Harry didn’t say anything for a moment. He clenched his jaw and observed Louis’ slim figure silhouetted against the morning light streaming through the window. He’d gotten a taste of what he’d wanted for so long last night, and he wasn’t sure if he was okay with it being just “a one shot thing.”
“Louis, look at me,” Harry said quietly.
The second time he said it was when he met Eleanor.
Louis’ arm was coiled around her waist and he was looking at her like she hung the fucking stars in the sky. He laughed much too hard whenever she said something with the barest hint of humor in it and it seemed like he was tugging her closer to his body at every moment. At random points throughout the conversation, Louis would lean forward and kiss Eleanor on the cheek, eliciting a sudden silence that echoed through the room.
Even she seemed a bit thrown off by his unnecessary attention. When Louis asked her to stay for dinner, Harry watched amusedly as she tried to conjure up an excuse as to why she had to leave. Louis finally settled for walking her down to the street, but an extra twenty minutes and an unbuttoned pair of pants later told Harry they had done a bit more than walking.
“You’re awful,” Harry muttered as Louis closed the door behind him.
“What? Is it suddenly illegal to fuck in a lift?” he retorted.
“’Course not,” Harry said. “We only did it two weeks ago.”
Louis’ face turned purple. “Are you angry about something?”
“Very good, Sherlock,” Harry said, kicking the leg of the kitchen table.
“Are you…jealous?” Louis asked incredulously. Harry didn’t reply. “Harry, I – all we do is fuck, okay? We both promised we wouldn’t let our feelings get in the way. Alright? This starts and ends with sex…just sex. That’s it.”
Harry shoved his hands into his pockets. “Is it just sex when you say that you love your partner?”
“Harry, I was caught up in the moment and I wasn’t thinking,” Louis replied almost instantly. He sank into the chair nearest him and buried his face in his hands. “I don’t. Not…not in that way.”
Harry pressed his lips together to stop the tears from forming in his eyes. “That’s a lie and we both know it! Louis! Look at me!”
The third time he said it was when Zayn heard them.
“So…you’re just fuck buddies…and that’s all?” Zayn asked.
Louis nodded. “That’s it. Nothing else, I swear. You’re not gonna get any weird emotional shit from us, okay?”
“That’s a relief,” Zayn said, winking at Harry. They both laughed nervously. “I guess this is supposed to stay a secret, right?”
“Right,” Louis replied. “We’d really appreciate it if you didn’t go off and tell anyone else about this.”
“Don’t worry, I’m just gonna call The Sun as soon as I get out of here,” Zayn said as he got up from the sofa.
Louis shook his head. “Thanks man.”
“I just have to know…” Zayn started. “Who tops?”
“Get the hell out of here!” Louis yelled, laughing at the younger boy who smiled wickedly and dashed out the door.
“That was a bit embarrassing,” Harry murmured.
“Yeah, just a bit,” Louis said, his voice razor sharp now. “He could have at least waited until we were done.” Harry closed his eyes and shook his head. “Come on. Let’s finish up.”
Louis straddled Harry’s hips and kissed him roughly. Harry gently pushed Louis away and stood up, the older boy sliding off his lap. “I’m not finishing anything. You can get off with your own hand if you want.”
Harry was expecting a biting retort, but there was silence behind him. He turned around to see Louis slumped on the floor, gazing straight ahead of him as he chewed anxiously on his thumbnail. Harry sighed.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said exasperatedly. “Come on, I’ll ride you until the sun fucking rises, okay? Let’s go.” Louis stayed where he was. “Louis, look at me.”
The fourth time he said it was when Louis went too far.
They were fighting. Again. Harry could hear them shouting at each other down the hall. As he opened the door, Eleanor ran through it, flashing her middle finger over her shoulder.
“Yeah, well fuck you too!” Louis shouted from inside. “And don’t forget to wash your hands after you’re through being such a bloody wanker!”
Harry slipped inside and quietly closed the door. He shrugged off his jacket as he craned his neck, looking for an enraged Louis.
“Fuck!” A book hit the wall and landed open on the floor.
“Louis?” Harry called tentatively. The older boy swung around the corner, his blue eyes burning. Before Harry could get another word out, Louis gripped the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the living room, crashing their lips together painfully.
Louis quickly tugged the belt off of Harry’s waist and had unsnapped both of their jeans before Harry’s mind could catch up with him. Louis stopped walking and pulling and pushed the younger boy down, his bony shoulders colliding sharply with the wood of the coffee table underneath him. “Louis—”
“Don’t talk,” Louis warned.
Harry frowned as Louis climbed over him, pressing their lips together again. They were barely even kissing anymore. Now they were just shoving their mouths together in a pathetic attempt to feel something. It was careless and messy and Harry could tell someone was going to get hurt.
Harry decided the best way to get Louis to come to his senses was to stop responding. He unclenched his fingers from around Louis’ biceps and let his feet fall limply to the floor. He tilted his head out from Louis’ onslaught of rough kisses and let his neck be assaulted instead. It was only when he felt slender fingers shove below his waistband and wrap around his shaft that he finally came back to the increasingly scary mess on the coffee table.
Harry slid back on the coffee table and sat up, expecting Louis to claim a pliant position across from him, but the older boy clung to him like a life preserver. “Louis what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Everything,” Louis whispered, his bottom lip quivering.
“What?”
Louis collapsed in Harry’s arms, sudden tears soaking through his cotton collar. “Everything is wrong, and I don’t want to do it anymore,” Louis choked out. Harry immediately tightened his arms around him, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It’s all so fucked.”
“Louis, what’s fucked?” Harry asked. Louis didn’t answer. He just held on tighter to Harry and buried his face in his shoulder. “Louis…look at me.”
The fifth time he said it was when Louis tried to fix everything.
Harry walked into a dark house, which he found odd, considering Louis said he was going to be home that night. He flicked on the hall light and stepped out of his shoes. “Lou?” he called.
“I’m in the living room, Harry!” he yelled back.
Harry walked the few steps to the living room and nearly turned around again. The lights were dimmed and the kitchen table had been dragged out to the middle of the floor, where two plates of food sat beside a single candle. Rose petals formed a trail from the doorway to the suit-clad figure standing in the corner of the room.
“Hi,” Louis said weakly, holding out the bouquet of colorful flowers he had clenched in his hands. Harry warily walked over and took the bouquet. He eyed the older boy as he set it down on the sofa.
“Louis, what is this?” he asked quietly.
“I wanted to do something special,” Louis replied simply. He pulled out the chair nearest him and gestured for Harry to sit down.
Harry sat down slowly, examining the set table. “Did you cook all of this yourself?” he asked.
“Uh…yeah!”
Harry waited until the older boy had sat down opposite him before taking a bite of the chicken on his plate. His lips quirked into a small smile. “You’re quite talented…” he began. “At dialing the phone and ordering in.” He laughed as a blush spread across Louis’ cheeks. “So did you set all of this up for Eleanor and you’re just too awkward to make me leave or…?”
“I broke up with Eleanor,” Louis replied quietly. “This is for you.”
Harry put his fork down and leaned back in his chair. “What?”
“I wanted to…make up for everything,” Louis explained. “I know these past couple of months have been less than perfect and I’m really sorry. I’m so so sorry. I took such horrible advantage of you – I wasn’t thinking during any of it and – I – I’m sorry.”
Harry closed his eyes and leaned even farther back, tipping the chair onto its back legs. He couldn’t believe what was happening. After months of silent breakfasts and emotionless sex and tear stained pillowcases, Louis was dressed up in a suit, holding flowers, trying to pass off peri-peri chicken as a homemade recipe, and saying sorry? If Harry had ever said he was taken off guard before, it definitely did not compare to this. “You’re apologizing?” he asked, leaning forward, the thud of the chair’s legs matching the twist in Harry’s heart.
“Yeah, I just – this is not how I wanted it to turn out,” Louis admitted. “I love you, Harry.”
“You love me?” Harry said, disbelief lacing his voice. “Is that so? Because, last time I checked, you aren’t supposed to use the person you love as a convenient sex toy.”
Louis visibly flinched at the harsh words. He lowered his eyes towards his lap. “I did it for you.”
“For me?” Harry said incredulously. “You’ve been treating me like shit for months out of the goodness of your own heart? Wow. I am touched.”
“I didn’t think you wanted me.” Louis ran a nervous hand through his hair.
“Have I not been fucking you at least four times a week? I’m not powerless, you know. I didn’t have to have sex with you if I didn’t want to.”
“No, I didn’t think you wanted me as your…as your boyfriend.”
“Louis…”
“I was waiting for you to make the first move, but then that first night happened and you didn’t say anything so I just thought we could keep going that way and no one would get hurt.”
“What was I supposed to say? You made it so clear that you didn’t want anything but…that.”
“I know, I – I made a lot of mistakes. But…” Louis trailed off. He buried his face in hands and clutched desperately at his hair. “I really do love you Harry and…I want to start again.”
Harry got up from his chair and knelt in front of the other boy, whose shoulders were beginning to shake. “Louis, look at me,” he whispered. And finally, after months of avoidance and slamming doors, the older boy turned his electric blue eyes to Harry. Tears spilled over his bottom eyelids and rolled slowly down his face. He blinked rapidly, trying to get them to stop, but his gaze didn’t shift. This was it, Harry thought to himself. This was Louis trying to patch everything up and being so terribly afraid of failing. Now it was Harry’s turn.
Harry hooked his finger under Louis’ chin and leaned up, pressing their lips together gently. They pulled apart for a moment, both taken by surprise at how much easier it felt when they weren’t trying to block each other out. Suddenly, Harry pushed back up into Louis’ mouth, a moan grating in his throat as a hand snaked into his curls. Louis pushed the chair back from the table, bringing Harry with him. The younger boy straddled his hips, his hands flying to Louis’ waist. Harry gently eased Louis’ mouth open as he lightly dragged his fingertips underneath his suit jacket.
Their tongues tangled messily together, mapping out every inch of their mouths as Louis’ jacket fell to the floor. He wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist as his tie was rapidly undone and discarded on the floor. Nimble fingers began popping the buttons on his shirt and Louis pulled back, taking in the sight in front of him.
Harry’s eyes were wild and dark and his lips swollen and shining. He looked oddly innocent, even though a wicked smirk was stretched across his face, and his crotch was pressed unashamedly to Louis’. “What?” he asked, moving his hands from the shirt to the back of Louis’ neck.
“Am I supposed to take that as a yes?” Louis queried, pulling the younger boy impossibly closer. Harry leaned down and kissed him again, languidly and slowly, their mouths moving together. It was so different from every other one they’d had before. There was no desperation in it. It didn’t taste like anger and regret. It felt like he was kissing someone he adored and admired. It felt like he was kissing someone he loved, because he was.
“Yes,” Harry said as he pulled back, his voice thick. He kissed Louis’ nose, then his cheek, then everywhere else except those abused lips. “Yes,” kiss “yes,” kiss “yes.”
“We’ll take it as slow as you want, I promise,” Louis said, his voice breaking. “I won’t ever do something like – I’ll love you how you deserve to be treated, Harry, I swear. I swear.”
Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ shoulders and pulled him close, aligning every inch of their upper bodies. “I know,” he replied, his voice vibrating in the crook of Louis’ neck. “I believe you. I love you.”
When they fell asleep that night, their limbs wound around each other, no one was crying. No one was hurt. No one was dreading the morning of cold exchanges. And when Harry woke up the next day, Louis had never been happier to comply with his now official boyfriend’s request.
“Louis, look at me.”