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It’s summer and she’s back home.
It’s been almost a year. She didn’t go back home for Christmas because her family wasn’t going be there (that’s the explanation she gives everyone, she didn’t want to mention that she was scared she might not want to go back to Bristol). Then Easter rolled around and she just couldn’t bring herself to go back to Stamford, so she said that she had to pick up extra shifts at work to make ends meet and suddenly it’s summer and Chloe is threatening her with bodily harm if she’s not coming back home for that (and while she’s met some great people at uni, she does miss her friends dearly), so that’s how she finds herself in the pub, wedged between Chloe and Izzy, while Chop gets them the first round of drinks.
(The girls tell her that she looks great, and did she lose weight? Rae’s been trying to learn how to take a compliment so she grits her teeth and says thank you instead of telling them that it’s just a byproduct of running across campus all day long with no time to eat. She hasn’t lost that much weight, anyway, but once she realized that people in uni were, for the most part, too busy with themselves and their grades to give a fuck about anything else, she stopped trying to hide her body so much by wearing oversized clothes all the time, and that alone did wonders.)
Half an hour later it's still only the four of them, and she starts to get a bit fidgety. She's tearing a beer mat into pieces when Izzy nudges her with her elbow to explain quietly that Finn is picking Archie up at the train station, so they’ll be a bit late. There's more to Izzy than meets the eye, and she loves her for it. Rae squeezes her hand in quiet thanks.
It’s not like Finn and her have been total strangers. They’ve been keeping in touch through emails and sometimes even letters on a semi-regular basis. There’s the rare phone call here and there, but she tends to avoid them because hearing his voice sets off something in her that she doesn't know how to deal with. They talk about music, obviously. She tells him about uni and he tells her about his internship at the radio station and it never goes any deeper than that. So yeah, she’s not sure why she’s nervous.
(Except that’s bollocks. It’s for the same reason she compares every guy she meets to Finn and finds none of them hold up, but she never admits to it because she knows it makes her a hypocrite.)
Luckily Chop never runs out of stories and they all laugh when he tells them how Simmy got his arse beat by Kendo for talking shit. Not that she particularly likes Kendo, but it does feel like cosmic justice. Chloe tells them all about business school (without mentioning boys once, Rae realises) and then they’re placing bets on whether Archie’s new boyfriend is going to come visit him in Stamford (there’s really no point in betting because everyone bets yes).
She’s on her second drink when the door opens and Archie and Finn walk in. The rest of the gang erupts in loud cheers at the sight of them while Rae is trying to stay calm. What if she has made a mistake by coming here? She should’ve just stayed in Bristol. It’s gonna be weird and awkward and—
She’s about to count to ten in her head when Archie pulls her up into a tight hug, and as he plants a kiss on her cheek, she finally looks at Finn.
Their eyes meet and the corners of his mouth quirk up and suddenly she’s sixteen again and they’ve just had their heart-to-heart in the aftermath of the sexy party and now they’re drawing letters on skin and playing Spaceman to make each other laugh and she knows they’ll be okay.
There’s a bit of a commotion as they make room for the two of them and another round of drinks is ordered. Once they’ve all settled down again, Finn slides 20p across the table.
“Play summat decent for us, May, will ya?” he says with a wink.
The setting sun is warm on her skin as she takes another drag of the spliff between her fingers before passing it on to Izzy, who’s lying next to her in the grass. The lads are playing footy nearby, or at least they’re attempting to in between their laughing fits. It’s almost peaceful.
She’s about to nod off when someone plops down next to her. Opening one eye, she recognizes Finn’s outline. He doesn’t lay his legs across hers this time, but he's so close she can detect the faint scent of CK One all the same.
“So tell me, how’s the little Bouchtat?” Finn asks after a while.
Rae snorts. “Thriving under the Tunisian sun, if my mum’s to be believed. Think I’d be burned to a crisp by now if that were me.”
She can see him grinning softly from the corner of her eye. “Do you miss them?”
“Yes… and no.” She scrunches her nose. “Does that make me terrible?”
“I reckon that makes you human,” he says as he lights another spliff. He kicks her leg playfully. “How does it feel to be back in Stamford, then?”
She turns her head to smile at him. “It’s not so bad, Finley.”
Of course she has to get her period on pub quiz night. At first she thinks she can just grit her teeth and take some painkillers, but by lunchtime it feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing her uterus, so she calls Chloe to let her know that she can’t make it.
Unfortunately she’d also tried to make good choices when she was stocking up groceries a couple of days ago, which means she has no ice cream to cry into while watching the saddest thing she can find on TV. It’s just her and her hot-water bottle, and it makes her feel a little lonely.
She’s about to capitulate and turn in for an early night in the hopes that tomorrow she won’t feel like absolute shite when the doorbell rings.
“Who the hell?” she mumbles to herself as she goes to open the door, really hoping—for their sake—that it’s not the kids from the family that moved in next door again. It’s not a good day to pick a quarrel with Rachel Earl.
For once Rae actually gets what she wishes for. It’s not the kids next door.
It’s Finn.
Finn is standing on her doorstep and she’s wearing pajama bottoms and the rattiest band shirt in the history of mankind and he’s looking absolutely gorgeous in his henley shirt and his Doc Martens (but that’s besides the point, she can’t be thinking these thoughts).
“Finn? What are you doing here?” is all she can say. At least her cramps are momentarily forgotten.
He stares at the doormat, then at something behind her. “Chloe mentioned you weren’t feeling well and I—I, I thought I’d check if you were alright,” he mumbles, scratching his neck.
Her stomach is doing funny things. Is she going to throw up? She thinks she might. “I—uh, I’m fine.”
He nods, more to himself than her. Then his eyes drift up to her face and he frowns. “Rae, have you been crying?”
“What?" She wipes at her eyes absentmindedly. "Oh, yeah. I just watched a bonobo lose all of her babies. It was pretty sad,” she explains, and tries not to blush as he raises his eyebrows at her. “It’s just, y’know, that time of the month.”
Bloody hell. What's wrong with her?
Finn fidgets with his helmet. “Well, if you're sure you’re alright…”
“I am,” she says in the hopes of sounding like she won't bang her head against the wall the moment she's back inside. “Good luck with the quiz!”
“We’re gonna need it, with you not there,” he says with a half-smile as he begins to walk towards his scooter.
“Finn?” she says before she can stop herself. He looks at her with helmet already on, and maybe that’s why it’s easier for her to say it. “Thank you. For checking on me. It means a lot.”
Rae can’t see his face, but he gives her another nod before driving off.
They plan to meet up at the pub one night. Rae is already running late and when she gets there, the rest of the gang (Chop’s the only one who’s missing) are standing in front of The Swan instead of waiting inside, and she can see why. It looks like it’s closed, but that doesn’t make any sense—it’s a Friday evening, after all. So when Rae tries the door and it’s open, the others follow her inside, and she very nearly gasps. There are candles and rose petals everywhere, and all of a sudden Chop is proposing to Izzy, who says yes, and then they’re all cheering and hugging and drinking actual champagne.
(Rae doesn’t notice the way Finn looks at her all night long. Chloe, who’s been in a weird mood, drags her to the toilets at one point. She tells Rae that she’s met someone. Her name is Sam and she doesn’t feel the same way about her as she feels about Rae or Izzy, and it confuses her. Rae asks her if Sam makes her happy, and Chloe says yes. She tells her that nothing else matters.)
Rae refuses to open her eyes. Jesus. Damn Chop and damn his sexy parties and the way he manages to talk them into having one every time one of them has an empty. Her bloody head is pounding and she feels like dogshite and if she just doesn’t open her eyes she might fall back asleep and hopefully by the time she’ll wake up again she’lll feel less miserable.
Only she’s too awake for that now, but she doesn’t want to admit defeat just yet. She thinks that maybe if she turns over, she can get another five or ten minutes of slumber, but the moment she does, she can tell that something is not right.
The bedding doesn’t smell like the detergent they use, but the scent is still familiar to her. It’s actually kind of comforting.
This doesn’t make any sense, she thinks as she opens one eye and nearly has a heart attack at the sight that greets her. Finn bloody Nelson in all his glory, sprawled out next to her, hair mussed like he’d paid someone to do it.
“What the hell?” A sense of dread washes over her when she realizes that she’s only in a shirt and knickers.
Rae tries not to panic as Finn stretches and then slowly opens his eyes. She can't think of anything to say so she just sits there and stares at him, like a creep.
“Morning,” he rasps. “I’m never drinking again.”
What’s that supposed to mean? Why are they in his bed together? What the everloving fuck happened? Should she just ask? Should she—
“Rae, are you alright?”
Okay, you can do this. Just take a deep breath and get to it! “Finn, did we…?” She motions between them and his neck actually flushes.
“No, no. Nothing—uh, nothing like that happened.”
“Then what happened?”
“Well,” he clears his throat and sits up a little. “Chop wanted to play truth or dare. We both weren’t in the mood, so we grabbed a bottle of vodka and decided to scarper. My room was free,” he shrugs, “and we ended up drinking and going through my records together. By the end of it, we were well drunk. You wanted to go home but I didn’t want you to go on your own ‘cause it were late and stuff.”
She scrunches her nose. It all sounds vaguely familiar, and her drunk self definitely has lower inhibitions.
“Played some Weezer, and Butterfly came on, and, er—”
Oh no. No no no no no. Don’t say it.
“—you started crying. Everything I said made it worse, so I made you some tea and put you to bed.”
Fuck. Her entire face burns with embarrassment. She’s cried to that song more times than she can count and now she’s cried to it in front of Finn and it’s just another reminder of how she’s still mental.
“I’m sorry, Finn.” She doesn’t know what else to say.
“Hey, it’s alright. That song gets to me too.” He nibbles at his thumb, not looking at her. “'Look, I’m gonna make some peppermint tea and you can get dressed, yeah?”
“Do you reckon you’re still in love with him?” Chloe asks. It's the kind of question you only ask in the intimacy of a sleepover.
She stares at the ceiling. “Who?”
“Rae. C’mon.”
Get over yourself, she thinks. You can’t keep lying to yourself. When has that ever worked out for you?
“Yeah. I think so,” she whispers.
“Be careful, alright?” Chloe says much later, just as she’s about to drift off. “I don’t want to see you hurt each other again. I love you both too much for that.”
Her time in Stamford is slowly but surely coming to an end.
It’s like when you were a kid, and you thought summer holidays would go on forever, only for time to go by in a flash. She’s just as melancholic now as she used to be then. It’s not that she doesn’t have any mates in Bristol—her flatmates are lovely people. They just don’t share the same connection, it doesn’t feel easy the way it does with the gang.
And then, of course, there’s Finn. She was an idiot to think she’d ever be able to just be friends with Finn Nelson, and pretending she could forget about him had only ever worked from a safe distance, where she could keep herself busy with schoolwork and chores.
She’s not sure if she thinks that she made a mistake by leaving the way she did. At the time, it felt like something she needed to do. Maybe if it hadn’t been for Katie Springer, things would’ve been different, but it’s not like she can really blame Finn for that. They weren’t actually together, she was a mess and all over the place, and even if she tends to forget it, he's only human.
So maybe a fresh start on her own was right for her back then. But it’s been a year and no man she’s met since then had a patch on Finn and it's time to accept that she’s still just as in love with him. Maybe even a little more. She’s not sure what to do with that, not with Chloe’s words ringing in her ears. What if they end up hurting each other again? Really, she doesn’t even know if he still has feelings for her. Maybe he’s over her after all, and she has forfeited her chance and now she’s destined to pine after him in solitary misery forever.
(Maybe she’d deserve that.)
The six of them are supposed to go to Rutland today. They've been planning it for days, but now everyone’s cancelling one by one until only Finn and her are left. Despite her latest realisations about her own feelings, they are still friends (or rather friends again), and she doesn’t want to leave him hanging, so that’s how she finds herself alone with him in his dad’s car on a sunny afternoon.
Rae has just buckled up when a familiar tune starts to play—techno-tinged alternative rock with chipmunk vocals. She gives him an incredulous look, which he returns with a lopsided grin.
“Alright, May?” he says.
She snorts. “It’s still a zero, Finley.”
It’s their last official night together. They try not to let it show, but the mood is a little glum nonetheless. There’s no anticipation of new things to come like there had been last summer, only the prospect of more school work, sleepless nights and shitty cafeteria food. Chop keeps buying another round in hopes of lifting the spirit and for a while it actually works because suddenly they’re discussing Christmas holiday. Are they going to do Secret Santa? Is anyone going to have an empty for a sexy party on New Year’s Eve? They all talk their mouths off and everyone seems to be feeling a little better with their new plans in mind, but by then, Rae is tired and she has to get up early tomorrow because she has been putting off packing for uni, and that doesn’t exactly help with her mood.
Izzy and Chloe are both a little teary-eyed when she says her goodbyes. Chop crushes her against his chest so tightly it knocks the wind out of her for a good second, and Archie gives her a big old smooch. Finn and her just look at each other for a long moment, and her heart contracts painfully. They don’t say anything, but he pulls her into a hug and then she gives them all one last wave before she steps outside the pub.
Rae is glad for the cool air that hits her. Maybe she can sort her thoughts on the walk home. (That’s bollocks, she knows. She probably won’t be able to sleep. She’s going to think about whether she should’ve said anything to Finn all night long without coming to a conclusion.)
She’s about to turn the corner when she hears someone call her name, and when she turns around she sees Finn jogging towards her.
“Mind if I walk you home?” he asks, scuffing his shoes on the kerb. “It’s a bit late to be walking home alone, innit, and I could use the fresh air.”
“Oh. Uh. Yeah, sure.”
They set off in near silence, and she gives up on trying to find something appropriate to say when she realises that it’s not as uncomfortable as it would be with anyone else (except he keeps stealing glances at her and that does unsettle her a bit).
But without either of them talking much, her brain is working overtime and once they’ve reached her street she knows she has to say at least some of the things that she has been thinking about over and over again for the past year, and there’s one thing in particular that’s been weighing on her heavily.
“I treated you like shite,” Rae blurts out before she can change her mind.
He looks at her with a confused frown. “What are you on about? I think we did pretty good, all things considered.”
“I’m talking about our relationship, Finn. A-side and B-side.”
“Rae—”
She knows that if she allows him to interrupt her now, she's never going to tell him. “You don’t have to listen to me, but if you want to, please— just let me say what I need to say.”
He gives her a nod, and she tries to find the right words as Finn takes the rolly from behind his ear and lights it, taking a deep drag. She watches the smoke disappear in the night air.
“The first time round I felt insecure about you seeing my body and what other people were thinking, and I thought that was the problem, but it never was, was it now? The real problem was that I just didn’t talk to you about it. We could’ve worked on it together. Instead I shut you out. I thought I was protecting us both. What a load of bollocks.”
Finn fiddles with his lighter. She can see him working his throat silently in the subdued light of the street lamp they’re passing by.
”You tried. I were so in love with you that I just… couldn’t see what you were talking about. You said you shouldn’t have made out that I was Mr. Perfect, but I did the same thing to you.” A pause as he takes another drag. “We patched things up though, didn’t we?” He smiles at that, and she wonders if he’s thinking of their first night together.
“Yeah, but then we made a right mess of it. I truly thought there was no chance of getting into Bristol, and I didn’t care. I had great friends and an amazing boyfriend. Then I got that letter and I… I should’ve just talked to you about it. But I was scared and everyone was talking at me and fucking Katie Springer—“ She sighs heavily as they sit down on her doorstep. “You always said you’re no good with words, but I was the one who would never talk about things. It hurt you, it hurt us, and I’m sorry, Finn.”
He stares at her. “How long have you been thinking about this?” The rolly in his hand is slowly but surely burning down.
She pulls a face and he’s mirroring her and then they’re both laughing quietly. “Only around a year.”
For a while they sit there in almost comfortable silence. Rae loves those summer nights when the temperature finally cools down enough and you can almost taste the air.
“When I heard from everyone else that you were going to Bristol, I was bricking it,” Finn admits. He stubs out his cigarette. “All I could think about was me mum legging it and me nan dying and I couldn’t deal with the thought that you were gonna leave me too. That I would be stuck here without you.”
Her fingers are itching to reach out for him. She fidgets with her keys instead.
“I tried to force you to make a decision and it weren’t fair. Dad gave me a proper lecture,” Finn huffs.
That gets her to laugh. “You what?”
“He sat me down and told me that us young people don’t like to hear it because it’s not very romantic, but that love isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes it’s about compromise and hard work and stuff.”
She thinks about the record she’s bought on a whim on her weekend off, back in Bristol. The one she keeps playing over and over again because it reminds her of brown eyes and freckles and chapped lips.
“You've got to give a little, take a little. True love’s a game of give and take,” she hums with a small smile.
“You been listening to crap reggae without me?” Finn teases, and they both grin before sharing a wistful look. It’s her cue to leave, before she ruins the moment.
“I should get to bed. I have to pack tomorrow,” Rae says with a sigh as she gets up and unlocks the front door. She wishes they could sit here forever. “Good night, Finley. Thanks for walking me home.”
Once she has closed the door behind her, she swallows hard around the lump in her throat and takes a deep breath. She’s strong. It may hurt right now, but it’s going to be fine. And even if it’s only as friends, it’s not like they’ll never see each other again. This time around she’ll be home for Christmas. That’s only a few months.
She’s about to put the kettle on for some chamomile tea (as if that’s actually going to help her calm down), when there’s a knock on the door. She opens it with a frown, just to see Finn standing there, and before she can rack her brains as to why he is still there or get a word out, he starts talking so fast that she has trouble following him for a moment.
“Rae, I love you. I think I’ll always be in love with you. And maybe I’ve misread you, and you’re going to break my heart again, but I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t say anything—”
Her eyes must be big enough to look like they’re about to fall out of her head right now. This isn’t really happening, is it? She must be hallucinating right now.
“—and I know we’re still young but we’re older than we have been, yeah? If you want this, I'll do whatever it takes. I’ll get a job in Bristol, or I’ll sign up for college. We can get a place together or I can get a room somewhere, I don’t care as long as—“
She cuts him off with a kiss. It's probably the second best kiss of her life, right after their first one. His chapped lips on hers feel like heaven, and it ends far too quickly.
“You don’t have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me,” Finn pants after they break apart.
“I’m not kissing you ‘cause I feel sorry for you,” she says. Her vision is blurred with unshed tears. “I’m kissing you because I want to.” She can't help the smile that breaks out on her face. It’s big enough to hurt her cheeks. “And also maybe to shut you up a little bit.”
He stares at her, stunned. “Rae, please. I—I need an answer.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” He lets out an incredulous, high pitched laugh.
“Yeah, Finley.”
And then they’re both laughing and this time he kisses her as he buries his hands in her hair. They barely let go of each other as they close the door and stumble up the stairs. They undress each other and his hands and his mouth are all over her body and she keeps thinking that this is a dream. She has to bite her lip to keep herself from crying because he’s so incredibly gentle when he pushes into her, and it feels like scratching an itch that has been bothering you all day long, like that first sip of water when you’re parched. They come together not much later and she hazily thinks that it’s very symbolic.
Afterwards they lie so close together that the tips of their noses almost touch.
“It won’t be as easy as we think it’s gonna be right now,” Rae tells him.
He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I know.”
“I’m a lot better than I have been, but I’m still going to have bad days.”
“So will I,” he says.
“So there are times when we’ll have to work really hard for it.”
His lips press against her forehead and she feels him smile against her skin. “It’s going to be worth it, girl.”
Two days later, Rae leaves for Bristol, and so does Finn three weeks after that. Her flatmates are lovely enough to let him stay with her until he finds himself a room in a flat he shares with two blokes. At first he works shitty hours at a bar, but his old boss from the internship pulls some strings for him and that gets him a job at one of the local radio stations. This time the pay is shitty and he’s more of an assistant to the assistant producer than anything else, but they both know it’s not forever, and experience is what he needs right now.
They move into a flat of their own six months later. It’s not much, but they put up fairy lights and they have a huge mattress and a record player and it’s enough.
They’ve been living together for four months when they have their first big fight. It's about something inconsequential that spirals out of control and before they know it, they are slamming doors and yelling at each other. On the second day of not speaking to each other, Finn goes for a long walk. He gets two cups of tea on his way back and wipes away Rae’s tears until she’s calm enough to talk it out. They agree to never again go to sleep still angry with each other.
Almost two years later, Rae graduates from university with first-class honors. They make love on that crappy mattress one more time before they move to Manchester for the new chapter in their life.
And no matter where they are or what they do, they always make sure to spend time in Stamford.