Chapter Text
Harry couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the first time since Voyager got stranded on the Delta Quadrant, and it likely wouldn’t be the last — but that night was worse than usual.
Once he decided turning around in bed wasn’t helping, he got dressed to go to the mess hall. It would probably be empty — it was the middle of the night shift, and everyone who wasn’t working was asleep — but he could get a nice cup of tea and get a change of scenery before going back to bed. Maybe it would be enough to calm him down.
When he got there, though, he found Kes sitting alone, looking out the window. She turned with the sound of the door and smiled when she saw him come in.
“Hi, Harry,” she said.
“Hey, Kes,” he answered. “Can’t sleep either?”
She shook her head. “I’m just… thinking.”
He went over to where she was sitting, and she made room for him by the window, silently inviting him to sit down. She was watching the stars, something he always found helpful when he was younger, but here in the Delta Quadrant the stars were unfamiliar, just strangers watching them rush by in their desperate attempt to get home.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“I’m just wondering if I made the right choice,” she said, turning to face him. “Remember when my Elogium got triggered early?”
There were many things happening to the ship when that happened, but he remembered thinking she was so young to be making a decision like that. Her species only had the opportunity to reproduce once in their lives, and her process got triggered when she wasn’t even two, when it only happened normally between the ages of four and five.
He nodded, encouraging her to keep going.
“It might have been my only chance at ever having a child of my own, and I don’t know if I should have passed on that opportunity.”
“Didn’t the Doctor say that was just a scare, and it should probably happen at the right time?”
“Yes, but what if it doesn’t? No one knows what might happen, and he’s no expert on Ocampa biology.” She sighed. “I know if I do want children there’s other ways to have them, but… when I started my Elogium, it’s something I should have been going through with my family and my closest friends to support me, and I have so many good friends here, but sometimes I just miss home. Sometimes I just wish I could ask my father what he thinks. A child is such a responsibility… I wouldn’t want to have one if I’m not completely sure, but I keep thinking if I lost the one chance I’ll ever have. And if I lost the chance to have a child naturally, I lost the chance to go through that ritual and become a mother like an Ocampa. But would it even be the same, if I go through it being the only one of my kind out here?”
“It must be hard,” Harry said. “To go through something so significant without anyone who really understands what it means to you.”
She nodded. “I don’t like to talk about how much I miss home, because I was the one who wanted to go see the universe, and all of you didn’t have that choice. But it’s hard sometimes, being the only Ocampa on this ship and knowing I’m getting further and further away from my people.”
“If there’s anything we get, it’s homesickness,” he said. “Even if you chose this, Kes, anyone on this ship can understand that feeling.”
She smiled sadly before turning the conversation on Harry. “And what brings you here so late? What’s keeping you up?”
He sighed. “I don’t know what means more to me, the life I had back home or the life I’ve made for myself here on Voyager.” He hesitated, wondering just how to put it in words. “I’m not sure you’ve heard I spent a few days on a parallel universe where I’d never been assigned to Voyager?”
She nodded, and he kept going. “I kept trying to find a way to come back. I never even thought I could stay there and live my life. And it was a good life! I had my girlfriend Libby, a great job, a whole career in front of me… And I never even considered staying. That life didn’t feel mine when I wasn’t the one who built it that way, but I don’t think that was the only reason I didn’t stay.”
“Why do you think you left?”
“I…” That was the hard part to admit. “I think deep down I already gave up on going back. I think maybe I’m hoping Libby already moved on and has her own life, because I kind of have my own life here, and it’s bad being in the middle of nowhere without knowing if you’ll ever make it back, but I like what I made for myself here,” he said. “But it feels like I’m an awful person if I wish that when I go back she’s not waiting for me anymore. I do love her, or maybe I did, but it’s just… So much has happened since then. I’m not even sure I’m the same person she knew.”
His chest felt less tight after he said it. Kes seemed thoughtful, considering what he said.
“I don’t think you’re an awful person for adapting to your circumstances,” she said. “And you’ve been through so much, it makes sense that you feel she doesn’t know you anymore. You never thought you’d be away from her for so long, and you weren’t ready for this.”
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t really miss her, like it’s just nostalgia for something I’ll never get back,” he said. “I hate it, because it feels like I never cared about her. And I did, I just… I don’t think she’s the person I’m in love with anymore.”
She nodded, and he was happy he talked about it, even if there was still a knot somewhere inside his chest he didn’t know how to begin to undo. Kes was a good listener, and things seemed to calm down inside him instead of trying to burst out from his chest. For a moment they were silent, watching as the stars moved past them as the ship went by.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to,” she started, “but I think there’s something else you haven’t brought up.”
He smiled. “Are you getting better with your telepathic abilities, or am I just that obvious?”
“It’s hard to tell, sometimes. I’m not sure if I sense it with my mind or if I’m just looking closely.” She paused. “But you’re changing the subject.”
He was quiet for a moment, wondering if he should say it. It felt heavy in his tongue, but maybe if he said it out loud... And he knew Kes wouldn’t judge him for it.
“I think it feels worse to face that I’ve let go of Libby because I have feelings for other people here on Voyager,” he finally said.
She smiled kindly. “There’s no shame in that.”
“It feels like there is. It hasn’t even been a year, and I’ve had these feelings for a while now. Feels like I’m cheating on her, even if nothing happened.” He sighed. “And even if I don’t worry about Libby, I have feelings for two different people here.”
“I don’t know if I’m being insensitive, but don’t humans have relationships with more than one person, sometimes?” she asked. “I did some research on human customs back when Tom and Neelix were fighting. I don’t understand jealousy — Ocampa mate for life, and I wanted to know more about what they were feeling.”
He nodded. “Yeah, it’s not as common but it’s something I think would work, but I don’t know if the people I like would be alright with it. And that’s even if they have feelings for me too, and I don’t think they do.”
“Well, you’d have to ask them about it, right?”
“I guess.”
She looked at him with a curious smile. “If you don’t mind telling me, who is it that you have feelings for?”
He looked out the window, feeling the corners of his mouth curving in a smile even if he was trying to be serious. It was hard to keep a smile off his face when he talked about them. “Tom and B’elanna.”
He glanced at her to see her reaction, not knowing what he was expecting, but she only smiled like she knew something he didn’t.
“What?” he asked.
“Well, I don’t like to talk about this, but I’ve been practicing my telepathic skills with Tuvok, and sometimes I can hear a bit of what people are thinking.” He must have showed his surprise clearly, because she quickly added, “it’s nothing much, I swear, just a peek at what people near me are thinking right now, and only when I focus. I’m not reading any secrets, and I would never violate anyone’s privacy. But I can tell you, Harry, that Tom and B’elanna think about you more than you think they do.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “They like you a lot. I think you’d be surprised, if you told them how you feel.”
“So you think I have a chance?”
“Like I said, I don’t look too closely. You’d have to talk to them to be sure of what they feel. But yes, I think you do.”
The idea that any one of them might feel the same was exhilarating, even if he was still terrified of actually asking. That rush he was feeling was different from anything he ever felt with Libby, and somehow it all settled inside him. Libby was the right person for who he used to be before Voyager, but she wasn’t the one he wanted to go home to when they eventually found their way back home.
It just broke his heart that he couldn’t tell her that and end the relationship the way it deserved to end. But it wasn’t fair to him to keep holding on to a memory when all he wanted felt so close, just there for him to reach for.
“Thanks, Kes. You’re a great listener,” he said.
She smiled. “Thank you for listening to me too. I feel better already.”
“And, I don’t know if it helps, but if you miss home, maybe you could talk to the captain about setting up something that reminds you of there, like a festival, maybe? I think she’d be alright with it, and I’d love to help you set it up if you like the idea. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”
“I’d have to think about it, but I like that idea. Maybe I will,” she said.
They were quiet for a moment, standing in the slightly awkward silence of having poured their hearts out and not knowing what to say after.
“I think I'll head back to my quarters. I have an early shift tomorrow,” he said.
“Sleep well. And good luck, if you talk to them.”
“Thank you,” he said. “Maybe I will.”
He walked back to his quarters with a certain sense of purpose. If there was really a chance, then he couldn’t waste it on doubts and insecurity. He just hoped Kes was right and he wouldn’t ruin the friendship he built with either of them.
But he needed to give it a try.