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Leave it to Eddie Diaz to realize he is in love with his best friend on a random Saturday afternoon in the middle of a department store.
They were having Christmas dinner at the Grant-Nash household in a few days. After this year’s multiple messes, the crew agreed they deserved some down time and lots of food (mostly they needed to see each other away from a heard of escaped zoo animals or prison grounds). Fortunately for them, B crew had gotten stuck with the shift on the 25th.
Last night Eddie realized Christopher had completely outgrown his dress shirts, once Buck heard, their free day had quickly become a shopping trip to the mall with the promise of burgers and ice cream.
“Should we drive together to Bobby and Athena’s next week or just met up there?” Buck asked. He was going through a rack of sweaters while Eddie sat across the changing room where Chris was trying on a shirt.
“I thought you were cooking some fancy dish.” Buck was. He had been very proud of himself when Bobby asked him to cook for the dinner. “Eddie, he asked me to make not one but two dishes, two, do you know what that means?” Buck said in the changing room after their shift, “it means he trusts me.”. As far as Eddie was concerned, Buck could make the whole meal and it’d be the best in the world.
“I am, but I can just do that at my place.” Eddie frowned.
“Why wouldn’t you make it at home?” Buck looked at him a bit taken a back, then his eyes went soft.
“Home?” A simple yet heavy word. It meant even more these days, given that lately, there was this distance between them, it had been growing and growing. Eddie was not sure why or when it started. Still, in flashes they almost felt like them again. This was one of those moments.
“Yeah, home. C’mon you might as well use the ingredients you already have there. It´s not like I’m going to be using diced tomatoes for Chris’s breakfast tomorrow.”
“There’s a scary thought.”
“Shut it.” They both laughed, that’s when Chris opened the curtain, wearing a navy-blue shirt with little planets, stars and astronauts printed across it. Buck had spotted it.
“I love it.” Exclaimed Chris, clearly happy.
“Chris, it looks great” Buck said excitingly and smiling brightly at the boy.
“It does. Looks very good, bud.” Eddie replied. Just then, a salesperson walked by them.
“I agree with your parents, young man, it really suits you.”
“Thank you.” Eddie answered, the salesperson smiled and walked off. “So, what do you think, kid? Should we take it?” Chris nodded excitingly and went back into de dressing room. Eddie looked at Buck, who had a surprised expression on his face. “What?” Buck only smiled, more to himself than to Eddie.
“Uh, nothing, nevermind.” Chris came back out and they split, Eddie was to stand in line and pay for the shirt while Buck and Chris got a table and order the burgers. Given how close it was to the holidays the mall was packed and it was more efficient that way.
As he waited for his turn to pay, the same salesperson from before passed him, he thought back to the brief interaction; “I agree with your parents” “Thank you”, he didn’t even think to correct the employee on the assumption they were a family. Ha, that’s funny, last time something similar happened, when a salesman called Ana Chris’ mom, it was so much Eddie had a panic attack, curios how that works, right now he felt completely calm, huh, why wasn’t he sca— Oh… Oh.
It happened then and there, on a simple day, in the middle of some store that Eddie Diaz realized he was in love with Evan Buckley.
And now, well now he is panicking. He feels his hands start to shake, gets out of the line and into the nearest available changing room. His breaths are shaky as he tries to ground himself. “C’mon, you´re a firefighter, you´ve been a medic. You know how to do this, get it under control” he tells himself repeatedly to no avail.
A second, even longer overdue realization comes to him: “I’m not okay”. He makes a mental note to call Frank and book an appointment. Enough running and repressing. He manages to even his breaths. The lights still look too bright, and his muscles feel tense, but he is more stable.
He is proud of himself, for bringing himself back and managing better this time. While the panic felt dreadful as usual, he is aware the trigger was very different, this wasn’t from how much he didn’t want something, quite the opposite.
A part of him was still trying to deny it; “I’m not in love with Buck” and yeah no, that’s a lie, a very, very bold lie given his current state. Eddie was not used to his feelings, much less his feelings towards Buck. But it made sense, at last so much made sense. Of course he loves Buck, he had practically given him his whole heart when he signed those guardianship papers and trusted him with Chris. Even before then and every day since.
And this distance, this distance that was slowly driving Eddie crazy, it came with the shooting and never talking about it. He understood now, by avoiding the topic he was hiding from two unescapable things.
First his trauma, how frighted he had been when the bullet ripped through his shoulder, how it was too like being back in Afghanistan, how he lost so much time with Chris and desperately wished for more, how he was meant to have dinner with Pepa and Abuela that weekend, how he might never again, how he never told Buck he loved him; that was the second unescapable thing. He remembers Buck, standing right in front of him, Eddie’s blood splashed across his face and the most frightened expression. Eddie fell, Buck was on the floor too, he saw blue eyes, then nothing. He should have added up the pieces then, but he was busy not dying.
Then he woke up again and the world hadn’t stopped, so he pushed it down, like he had pushed everything down his whole life. What a tiring way to live, he was exhausted. He had to talk, to open up, to heal, put down the anger and hurt, let himself be in love.
Because he loves Buck so much it’s overwhelming. Buck who is kind, passionate, bright, a light house anytime Eddie is lost at sea (that light was taken from Eddie once, during the lawsuit, and Eddie had forgotten how dark it could get). Buck who loves and understands Chris, fought to the point of exhaustion to bring him back in the tsunami (and would again if necessary), cared for him when Eddie couldn’t. Making him Chris’ guardian had been the easiest decision he had ever made.
And Eddie, Eddie is terrible with words, but for Buck he would try daily; to remind him he’s worth it, he’s loved and he’s enough. Eddie would care for him, listen to him, support him. Eddie would buy him every can of diced tomatoes he asked for and watch every documental on natural disasters there were. Eddie would love him unconditionally.
He wanted a relationship with Buck, a family, a life. To be vulnerable with him, show him where it hurts and let him help (he knows Buck would know how to help), watch Buck make pancakes and throw some flour in his face to then remove it gently, make a schedule for pick up and drop off on school days. He wants Buck to hold him and love him through the bad days, Eddie would do the same, there isn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for Evan Buckley. Eddie wants him home, with him and Chris, that’s where Buck belongs.
He also really, really, really wants to kiss him. And kiss him. And kiss him again and again and again, if he is to die of a lack of oxygen, he’d do it gladly. Well not actually, because there’s Chris but you know what he means. This particular part of the equation was tricky, he might need extra help there, he thought back to his life; the locker rooms, the days in the army, that boy who went to his same church when he was fifteen, who Eddie liked maybe a bit too much for it to be platonic. This was going to be work, it was a lot to process, he had lost so much time and moments, but no more, he wants out of the self-hate and to kiss Evan Buckley.
But first he needs to get out of this dressing room. He stands in line again, feeling restless, and checks his phones, it’s been about fifteen minutes. Luckily the line is short so in the next five he is out the store. He walks towards the burger place and looks for Chris and Buck, he spots them, and Buck is using two fries to pretend he was fangs and saying something that makes Chris laugh loudly. He feels so warm, those are his boys. Eddie walks in their direction.
“Hi, dad.” Chris greets first.
“There you are, I was getting worried.” Buck says through the fries. It makes Eddie smile.
“You make such a scary vampire.” Eddie was not going to stop teasing Buck just because he was deeply in love with him, thank you very much.
“Watch it, you don’t want to mess with obscure forces.”
“Oh, no, I’m terrified.” Buck throws him a packet of ketchup and Chris laughs at their antics. Buck passes him a burger and fries.
“Waffle fries and no tomatoes, don’t worry.” Eddie hadn´t told him his order, Buck knew it by memory. If Eddie was any braver, he would tell him “I love you” right there.
“Thank you.” He says instead and takes a bite. They eat, walk around some more, get ice cream and then Buck drives them home, Eddie tries not to stare but it’s a struggle, he has wasted too much time forcing himself not to look, he decides to indulge this once. Buck glances in his direction when they stop at a red light, Chris is napping on the back.
“Do I have ice cream on my face?” Busted, Eddie laughs slightly.
“No, I was just thinking.”
“About?” Eddie chooses to be braver, test the waters.
“You.” Buck looks at him in disbelief, then he furrows his brows. The light turns green and they’re moving once more.
“Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry I—”
“No.” Eddie stops him immediately, he curses the Buckley parents once again in his head, he curses everyone who has ever made Buck feel like a mistake. “Nothing like that, I guess it’s the opposite, I’m thinking how you always make things right, better.”
“C’mon, Eddie, I don’t I—” Eddie cuts him of again.
“I mean it, Buck, today was great. I’m glad you came with us.” Buck blushes and gives Eddie a shy smile.
“I’m glad to spend anytime with you two.” They don’t speak for the rest of the ride, there’s no need two. Something is shifting, they both feel it; almost home. Buck makes dinner, he cooks something with diced tomatoes, Eddie laughs when he watches him get out the cans.
“I’m saving Chris from a very questionable breakfast.”
“Good call.” After the meal they watch a movie, by the end Chris is asleep. Eddie gently nudges him awake.
“Hey kid, time for bed, first teeth then pj’s.” Chris nods sleepily and gets up, he says good night to Buck and goes into the bathroom. Buck goes to the kitchen to start tidying up while Eddie oversees as Chris gets ready for bed. Once he´s done Eddie helps him get tucked in and kisses his forehead, then turns off the lights and walks into the kitchen. Buck is washing the dishes, Eddie leans on the counter. Almost home.
Eddie knows perfectly well what’s at risk here and he wonders if he could love the man in front of him the way he deserves it. He has been a lousy partner before, he can’t risk hurting more people because of his own issues. For a moment he thinks of waiting, sorting his shit out first. But does he have to do it all by himself? He understood it was his work to do, but Buck knew him, had seen him in his worse states, was it too much to ask him to be by his side, to have his back? Tell him he loves him in all the messy ways Eddie can?
He had waited enough with Buck, almost too long if it weren’t for Buck’s determination to save him; crawl under a truck through open fire and carry him to safety. Eddie had guarded himself enough, put up too many walls.
“Buck?” This was his breaking point, something had to give, something had to change, something was to begin. Buck turns to him.
“What’s up?” And Eddie could avoid things for days, months, years, if necessary. He was stubborn like that; he was also very straightforward when required. So, he just says
“I’m in love with you.” Simple as that. Ignoring it has been such a burden, admitting it was liberating. Also petrifying, but some sense, deep within a place of hope, tells Eddie it will be fine. He wants to believe Buck loves him too. Buck looks cautiously at him.
“You what?”
“I’m in love with you.” It’s even better to say it a second time, Eddie might never get tired of the phrase.
“I’m going to need that again.” A smile grows on Buck´s lips.
“I’m in love with you.” They’re both smiling now, Eddie feels pure relief and euphoria. “Today, in line, I was thinking about that salesperson calling us a family, and it just came to me. Evan, I want it to be real, us, I want that, if you’d want it—”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in Buck’s tone. “I want that too, I was too shocked for a second to say it but Eddie, I’m in love with you too.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you?”
“You know I suck at this.”
“I still like you.”
“I like you too, god I like you so much. But—”
“But?” Buck gets worried.
“I’m a mess. I always say I don’t panic but I do and that just the start, I have so much to work on and through. But I’m beginning to believe I deserve to be happy, Buck and you, you make me happy, I want us like I haven’t wanted anything in, well, a long time. I want to be better for Chris, for you, for me, but I’m not the easiest to love and I won’t always be what you deserve. You should be warned.”
“I could say the same to you.” Eddie looks up, Buck is smiling tenderly at him. “I am too, you know, a mess. You’ve seen it but you´re still here, saying you love me. Maybe we’re too hard on ourselves, Eds but I think we can make it work. You fix you, I fix me, we heal together, we´re always good together.”
Eddie closes the distance between them, he never wants any more distance between them. It’s not a kiss (he’s not ready, not yet. But soon), it’s a hug where Eddie wraps his arms around Buck’s waist and lays his head in the crook of his neck while Bucks puts his arms around Eddie’s shoulders. Eddie knows for sure, in that moment, that he is home. They pull apart and rest their foreheads together, their smiles are wide, Buck’s cheeks are red, the blush goes all the way up to his birthmark, it’s all perfect. Eddie remembers a very important detail.
“We should probably talk about the— the shooting.”
“We definitely need to talk about the shooting.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.” They break apart.
“Okay now hand me those dishes.” Eddie grabs a towel, and stands next to Buck, shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg. Buck washes and he dries. Tonight, Eddie stopped running from a big part of himself, he was facing it with fear and courage, he was ready to be better, and he was ready to love Evan Buckley. He could deal with the rest tomorrow, they could deal with the rest tomorrow, together.