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“I just led us into another trap, all because I couldn't hurt Chuck. Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill, and because that's all I know how to do.”
Minutes. Hopefully, at least.
They probably have minutes left to live. And of course, once again, it’s Dean’s fault.
“She’d gonna get through that door,” he hears himself saying, “And she’s gonna kill you. And then she’s gonna kill me.”
My fault repeats like a litany in his head. They were supposed to win one day, to be free, to finally finally get to recover and live and find something resembling happiness. They were supposed to find that something Dean has been cashing since he was four years old running from his burning mother.
Peace.
And now, instead, he’s going to watch Cas die, again. And then he’ll die knowing it’s all his fault. Again.
But at least there's this.
They have minutes, and Cas is looking around the room for some way out, some sign of hope.
They have minutes, and Cas freezes when he sees Dean crossing the room, coming closer. There’s something unnamable in Cas’s eyes and Cas says, “Dean, we are not going to die here. I-“
But Dean silences him with a gentle touch. Hands wrapped around Cas’s wrists, Dean tunes out the rhythmic pounding of Billy breaking down the door. Or is that his own heartbeat?
Either way, he tunes it out, filters this moment, their final seconds, down to the only thing that matters.
Some how it all feels so clear now, and Dean almost feels stupid for all the years he wasted, trying to be the man his father wanted. So many years, Cas was right here, and Dean could have done this.
But now they have minutes, and Cas’s skin is warm beneath Dean’s hands. Cas’s pulse flutters against Dean’s fingertips.
They have minutes left. And if Dean has to watch Cas die again, he’s not going to let this go for another second.
“I’m sorry,” he starts. Maybe that’s not the best start, but it’s the right start. Because he is. Sorry for this. Sorry for the life he’s dragged Cas into. Sorry for the heartbreak Cas has suffered at Dean’s hands.
From the softening in the corners of Cas’s eyes, Dean knows that he gets it.
“Cas, I’m so sorry. You deserve better. You don’t – You don’t deserve to die here. Like this. And I’m…” He has to catch his breath. How did he lose it in the first place?
“You are my family, Cas. You’re…You’re more than a brother to me. Do you know that? So much more. I need you Cas. I can’t – I don’t know how to live without you.”
“Dean,” Cas practically whispers, “What are you doing?”
Dean is trapped in Cas’s gaze, but then isn’t he always. Drowning in the fractured look in Cas’s eye Dean says, “If we’re gonna die, then you at least deserve to know. I need to… Cas. I love you.”
It happens quickly.
It starts with Cas’s hands, twisting into Dean’s shirt, pulling him in, lips crashing together like they were always meant to.
It starts with a terrible crash, the ceasing of a heartbeat as Billy tears through the door. Eyes open, lost in Cas’s lips and warmth but eyes open, Dean sees the horrible curl to her lips as she finds them.
It starts as Billy freezes, that curl quickly fading to horror. She weakly stumbles backwards as strange black shadows overtake her, consume her.
It ends with Cas pulling away gently, his face wet, hands on Dean’s shoulders.
“Goodbye, Dean.”
He says it gently, lovingly, even as he throws Dean to the ground.
It ends with Cas, consumed by darkness, taken by the Empty.
It ends with Dean crumpled on the ground.
It ends with a litany in his head. Unexplainable but somehow fact none the less.
My fault.