Chapter Text
The weather is warm, the sun’s friendly rays falling through her windows. It’s peaceful. Almost treacherous peaceful. Kara sits down, arms crossed over her chest. Eyes closed in meditation, recalling ancient Kryptonian rituals. .
Trying to slow down the world around her, Kara focuses inward, blocking out all distractions provided by her interminable super-hearing. For once, this isn’t what Kara is after. For once she allows herself a private moment. Her chest rises, her lungs fill as she takes a deep breath.
Ever since their universes got joined, she hasn’t really allowed herself to think about it. Has shied away from thinking about this, this other life that she has lived. This life that is hers and yet isn’t. It’s time for her to face her fear, to delve into the unknown depths.
She has picked up the cornerstones, gazing past them just to confirm that mostly the pillars of her life are the same, are the way Kara expects them to be. Except there is one topic that she has recoiled from more than any other, driven by the subtle fear that maybe she doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to feel.
Mon-El… their relationship, it’s big. It looms large in her memory, haunting her. A confusing mess of love and pain and joy and laughter and tears and despair and fear and pride at the best of times, even in just her own universe.
The thought of thinking that again, of feeling that again, … it scares her.
Except the time has come to stop cowering. She has to know, Kara decides. This is part of her: her loves, her losses, her joys, her heartbreaks. Now more than ever as supernatural trials lie ahead of her, trials she finds herself pushed into by a vengeful imp. It’s an excuse as good as any to justify that she stop running. Running away from what is hidden, locked away inside of her mind, her memories. The ones that are hers and yet aren’t.
And so she finds herself here, in front of a lone candle, reciting Kryptonian mantras. Ready to dive deep into her own soul, that part of her soul that is new, that lived a different life.
As this new past flashes past her inner eye, moves through her soul, she begins to see the threads, to notice the differences. Kara gasps and smiles despite herself as she sees Kenny. Kenny. Alive. Kara frowns for a second. She is happy with Kenny here, in her own way. At the same time, there is a different texture to her relationship with Alex. Still loving, still close and yet a subtle difference in flavor.
Undeterred, she pushes that thought aside. To explore this life, to realize who she is (or who she was? Or who she could have been? She has to keep going, has delved deeper into the undepths of her soul. As such, Kara stays the course, letting her mind flutter forward through foreign memories, moving through them and at the same time, looking down on them from a bird’s eye view, enjoying the benefits of hindsight, the benefit of two lives lived.
In this universe, in this path, she’s a bit calmer, a bit less desperate when she meets James. A bit more aware that things can be complicated between her and humans, even if there is no secret standing in their way. To see James with Lucy, it’s still disappointing. She thought with James, that she had something, something special, a connection. That they were going somewhere and then, just like that… it’s gone. Ripped away from her before she could grasp it. Faced with the realization that she must have been mistaken. Misread the wrong. It’s sobering as much as it is bitter, but she keeps moving forward, keeps being herself. Keeps being hope.
This time, this other her has a different appreciation for what James and Lucy share, though. No longer is it something that feels impossibly far away, unreachable when she looks at them together. This time, Kara questions more, questions the closeness between herself and James, more sensitive to the invisible lines of loyalty that are being crossed. This Kara begins to see him in a different light. She gets angrier at him. She’s not ready to hate him, but she can tell that what he is doing is wrong, that it steps across the invisible line, breaks the rules of trust one is supposed to uphold in a relationship.
She still wants him, sees the good in him. They still kiss.
Just like before, Kara feels the same kinship with Lucy, the same admiration for Cat, the same heartbreak over Astra, the same pressures of her new role.
It also starts the same way and within her mind’s eye, she remembers the day that a fiery orange trail was painted on National City’s sky by the chaotic descent of a Mon-El’s Kryptonian pod. Remembers the trepidation and concern she felt that day. Shivers run along her arms at her poor little self, so unaware of what is coming to turn her world upside down.
Kara is surprised how little changes, at least in the beginning. Mon-El is still Mon-El. She is still angry. Angry at Daxam, for him not being Kryptonian, for bringing back her past. Then it shifts. Shifts into excitement about the possibility of teaching him, of taking him under her wing. Still finds him impossible when she discovers him with Eve. Still laughs and feels like she is flying when he grabs her and whirls with her across the dance floor.
But there are differences, too. This is a Kara who remembers lying on her childhood bed, face to face with Kenny. About how they smiled and how she stroked his arm. How they kissed at the barn under the shimmer of the stars. A Kara who knows she could have that again. That she would like to have that again. This Kara recognizes the sting of jealousy when she sees Mon-El flirting with alien girls at a bar. Even though she tries to brush it off, tries to tell herself that it is his bustling social life she envies. This Kara is knowledgeable enough to doubt her own explanation.
She’s faster on the uptake this time that he likes her, better at reading the signs. The first time he kisses her, she’s still surprised. Breathless. Confused. Still somewhat crushed when he denies it ever happened, even though here she’s much more sure that he’s lying. And so she waits with bated breath, waits for him to admit it. Her heart aches when he does. This time she feels closer to him. Feels like she understands better, understands more why he, why anyone would do it. Understands viscerally, personally, seen through the prism of Kenny, how painful it is to be open with your heart.
And still, she sends him away. He feels shaky, too dangerous. Kara can feel there is chemistry between them, knows that he wants her. But is that enough? He charms her gently, haunts her thoughts. Kara finds herself, finds this Kara, staring at him across the bar, just like before with that strange feeling in her stomach, that feeling that tells her that she can’t just walk away from this. At least not if she wants to be honest with herself.
It still starts the same way. She invites him over. Tells him that she is ready to try, butterflies in her stomach. To her surprise, they still sleep together the very first day. She’s slightly less nervous, slightly less starting from total scratch, but it’s still good and new and exciting.
There are subtle permutations. This time, she is more assertive, clearer on what she wants out of a relationship. He’s still adorable. He grows on her, just like before. A lot clicks into place when she meets his parents. They argue. They still fight. She still ends it when she finds out the truth. Not even her words change. Her stomach twists as she remembers what it felt like, to break up with him like that. And then… how her heart overflowed when she forgave him. Out there, in the real world, right in front of her candle her wrists tremble, as she holds her arms over her chest.
No way back, she vows. The only way is through.
Kara’s pulse races when she realizes that even here, she made the same choice. She went after him. She saved him. Against her will, her body shakes, when she sees they were happy. Deliriously happy. Just like before. A tear rolls down her cheek, because she knows what is coming. Knows what they don’t know, oblivious in their joy.
When it happens again, Kara is surprised at how much it hurt. How much it hurts all over again. Turns out that nothing in this life either had prepared her for how to handle it when the man she loved shows up from the future, married. Kara blinks back tears, keeps looking, keeps searching. There must be a difference. There has to be.
Instead, this Kara too is reeling, struggling. Kara gasps at the same pain stabbing through her heart. She watches like a horror-movie spectator as they go through the same dance, repeat the same actions, part in the same heart-crushing goodbye. A tear slides down her cheek. Then another one and another, tasting salty against her lips. She feels like laughing, feels like crying.
It turns out that a world where Lex Luthor has made himself the hero of the people changes nothing about the configuration of interpersonal relationships in the 31st century.
“Kara! Kara!” Her sister’s voice blares into her ear as Alex rushes to her side, grabbing her shoulders, shaking her. “What happened? Who hurt you? What are you doing?”
Kara gasps for air, ripped out of her meditation. Her hands reach for Alex, instinctively seeking to ease Alex’s panic. “Nothing, nothing happened. I just… I tried to remember.” Her vision is still dazed. Her voice sounds far away to herself. “I tried to know what happened with Mon-El in this universe. I wanted to know and,” her mouth twists into a mournful smile. “It’s, it’s okay, … nothing changed.”
There is pain at the top of her stomach, her head feels so light, she doubles over to breathe. Just breathe. Her shoulders shaking, hand clamped over her mouth as nausea rises up within her.
Too much. Too fast.
*
She takes a hot cup of tea from her sister, shooting her a weak smile. “I don’t know what I expected,” she says, staring down into the reddish-brown brew. “Maybe a part of me was hoping that in this universe things would be different. Or that at least I would love him less.” The corner of her mouth quivers. “It sucked.” Kara sucks in her cheeks, looking pained.
Alex as always is a source of comfort, pulling her into a quiet hug. Kara accepts it, looking out into the distance over Alex’s shoulder, before pulling away.
She looks down at her hands. Those hands that should be the same in every universe. “Maybe I should talk to Mon-El?” she wonders aloud. “It’s been long enough.” It doesn’t feel like it. Not after what she just put herself through. Bringing it back so vividly.
Alex pours herself another cup. “I can’t answer that for you.”
Kara gnaws on her lower lip and brushes back her hair. What was she expecting? What kind of answers was she looking for when she tried to explore this other life? There is nothing left to say between her and Mon-El, is there? They have made their choices. And judging by this universe, they have made it at least twice.
Maybe things won’t work out with William, but at least Kara wanted it to. She closes her eyes and remembers that little stab of joy when she saw Mon-El in Myxy’s vision. How eager she was to step back into that past even if it was just for a little while. To see him and talk to him. Hear his words, his voice …
What was their relationship anyway when he came back, other than two heroes, stuck in a shitty situation, trying to be professional about it? Were they comrades, were they friends? Were their hearts still connected despite the distance, despite the pain?
What can he even say to her? What could possibly matter?
Has it been long enough? Is she allowed to still care?