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“You don’t have to be here.”
Four years ago, Mobei-Jun did something stupid; buy a luxurious villa over the water for Shang Qinghua, to make him happy.
“I know.”
Now Shang Qinghua wasn’t happy with the villa and he wanted to sell this place. It didn’t make Mobei-Jun angry, not in the slightest. It was never about the money for him. He could make more than this villa’s worth in less than a month. So if Shang Qinghua wanted to cash out this villa and its beach for the money for whatever reason, he’d be fine with it.
“Then why are you here?”
Because of you, was what Mobei-Jun wanted to say. But he was too proud to bring himself to say it.
“Just a holiday to a tropical island.”
He was here out of selfishness, hoping for a second chance. Maybe this time they could talk, try to mend things between them again. Maybe this time Shang Qinghua could return with him, back to his penthouse in the city, to the spacious open kitchen where Shang Qinghua spent most of his days if he wasn’t working.
Or, if those were too much to hope for, then maybe this one last chance to relive their old days in this beach was enough.
“In the villa I am about to sell?” Shang Qinghua chuckled, “It’s been three years and do you still find it hard to be honest, hmm?”
Mobei-Jun wondered how Shang Qinghua saw through him so easily. As if he was an open book; a book that only he could read.
But how could he be honest when the only thing he wished was for Shang Qinghua to return? Shang Qinghua left him three years ago because he was unhappy. He knew there was no point in asking someone who didn’t want to return.
Mobei-Jun was stupid, but he wasn’t foolish enough to repeat his mistake. He would no longer buying an extravagant villa over the water, full with luxurious amenities, under their name, on a whim as he did with Shang Qinghua. He was stupid for thinking Shang Qinghua was like his previous lovers who only by his side for his money. Mobei-Jun thought that Shang Qinghua would be the faithful one. If he did, then Mobei-Jun wouldn’t matter how much he spent for his beloved.
“I’m leaving.”
Regardless, he still left.
“Why?”
Shang Qinghua left for good. No goodbyes, unanswered text messages, and countless missed calls.
“I’ve cleaned the villa, feel free if you want to check it once more.”
Mobei-Jun called and tried to reach out to him but gave up after a mere two days. His experience with his past lovers made him realise that if he pushed it further, it would have been creepy; causing his business, family legacy, and reputation to fall. He pretended that everything was fine from then on, but loneliness hit him hard. It took another year to realise that he missed Shang Qinghua.
He was too proud to call him and apologise, so he waited and waited, until three years had passed after their breakup. By the time he gathered enough courage to call, Shang Qinghua told him he planned to leave this island and sell the villa.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
For Mobei-Jun, he needed the last three years to gather his courage just to meet Shang Qinghua again. But for Shang Qinghua, it was enough time to move on with a laugh.
“Anywhere except being with you.”
The only way his family shows love is through money.
When he was five, his father gave him a private limousine, a butler of his own, and a personal maid. He didn’t have many chances to see his father face-to-face, but he always cherished the little ‘I love you’ note for him he received when he was six.
As he grew up, his father promised money and facilities as long as he obeyed his wishes. Little Mobei-Jun obeyed and his life, in a glance, seemed perfect.
That was how he had many lovers in the past, although none stayed. They always adore his bank account, then his handsome face, then they left after finding out that Mobei-Jun was not as lenient in giving money as he thought. They dubbed him controlling, stingy, and many other words that Mobei-Jun had forgotten already.
By the thirteenth lover, Mobei-Jun had given up imitating his father’s way of loving people. Maybe he should have accepted that he might spend the rest of his life alone. He should have known that, while money was enough to bring people close, it never worked to make them stay. Though it should have been obvious; if money could make someone stay, then his mother wouldn’t have left him and his father out of a sudden.
“What are you thinking about?”
Then Shang Qinghua came into his life.
“You.”
They met for the first time when Mobei-Jun took an extended holiday from his injuries to a tropical island. On his first evening, he visited a restaurant by the beach. It was the peak hour and there was only one table left. A certain impatient CEO sat with a starving stranger.
The dinner was pleasant and they bonded fast, so to say.
None expected it to last, however.
Before long, the man he met at the restaurant became his lover. What he intended as a recuperating period became a holiday where Mobei-Jun found the only love he ever cherished. Being with Shang Qinghua was so refreshing. Mobei-Jun ended up visiting Shang Qinghua’s little cottage every day and spending most of his days in his residence.
Within two weeks, Mobei-Jun returned to his terrible habit by spending extravagantly. He bought a luxurious villa over the water, where they moved in soon, thus it became the craziest two weeks of their life.
“Me?” There was something about Shang Qinghua. His soft expression, his gentle smile, and his sun-kissed skin. Everything about him made Mobei-Jun want more of him. “What about me?”
“You’re here.”
And he was the only one who stayed.
Shang Qinghua didn’t leave him like his previous lovers or his mother. He didn’t leave ‘I love you’ notes and return a few days later like his father. Shang Qinghua stayed.
“Yes, I am here.” Shang Qinghua put his palm on Mobei-Jun’s head. “You’re speaking nonsense. Are you tired?”
Shang Qinghua always made sure that Mobei-Jun knew he was loved. They had their own lives and Shang Qinghua respected that. Whenever Mobei-Jun had to take a conference call, he would come to the living room, sliding a plate of cookies and a warm cup of milk.
Those were the good times, and it was long gone.
“Do you remember when we used to walk on this beach together?”
Shang Qinghua looked back towards Mobei-Jun. His expression stiffened for a moment before he put up his smile once again.
“I’m surprised that you, of all people, remember.” Mobei-Jun hated that pathetic smile so much. It was forced and distant, not as gentle as he remembered. “Why are you following me? I thought we’re done.”
“You left your sandals,”
Mobei-Jun sighed. Still, it was comforting to know that Shang Qinghua still loved to run on the beach bare-footed. It was nice to know that some things don’t change at all.
“And we’re not done talking.”
There were so many things he wished to say, all the questions he wished to ask. Mobei-Jun wasted the past three years being a coward. Knowing that Shang Qinghua still ran around on the beach without his sandals, loving the coarse sand on his bare feet, made Mobei-Jun think he still had a little chance to get his feelings through.
“No, we’re—WOAH!”
Lifting Shang Qinghua like he did years ago was a terrible idea. Back then, Shang Qinghua would reward him with laughter and kisses if Mobei-Jun carried him like a bride back to their old villa, putting him down at the recliner on the deck, facing the sea.
“What the hell—?”
Perhaps he missed seeing Shang Qinghua’s shocked face. As egoistical as it sounded, he wanted to hear his ex’s chuckles and receive his gentle hugs once again. He had missed Shang Qinghua calling him silly.
“This beach is not as clean as it used to be.” Considering their circumstances now, it was understandable that Shang Qinghua would be pissed. Despite that, Mobei-Jun dusted the sand off Shang Qinghua’s feet with his handkerchief. “You’ll get hurt.”
Shang Qinghua huffed. He had all the right to ignore him. For how Mobei-Jun ignored him, how Mobei-Jun took his presence for granted, demanding Shang Qinghua to listen and obey him like a servant. A petty act of dusting his feet off sand didn’t redeem all the mistakes he made.
“Don’t think I’ll start listening to you just because of… this.”
Mobei-Jun didn’t answer him, instead he kept wiping Shang Qinghua’s feet until they were clean. Once cleaned, he put the sandals back on Shang Qinghua’s feet.
“You never cared.” Shang Qinghua blurted, hesitant for a moment before he continued. “You never do.”
It took him a moment, followed by a deep sigh before he dared to look at Shang Qinghua. He would have been mad if Shang Qinghua told him that years ago. How dare Shang Qinghua told him he didn’t care? Mobei-Jun had given him everything, more than his previous lovers ever had.
“I know.”
But it was understandable. Mobei-Jun wouldn’t want a lover like himself either. He was stupid, demanding, perhaps somewhat creepy. No matter the reason, Mobei-Jun was a failure. He made the best thing in his life avoid him so adamantly. Then he wept, taking years to realise that it was never Shang Qinghua’s fault; it was his.
“Then why did you force me to return by coming here?”
When he knew he had one last chance to see Shang Qinghua again, he didn’t want to waste it. He booked the first flight to this little tropical island. Mobei-Jun didn’t bother packing his work that he could have done while on this abrupt holiday. If anything happened at his office, his secretary would deal with it.
Mobei-Jun didn’t know what would happen when his plane landed on the island. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if Shang Qinghua would greet him. He only knew one thing; if he didn’t go see Shang Qinghua this time, then he would be gone for good.
“You left before I could say I’m sorry.”
And he didn’t need another lifetime to dwell in never-ending regret.
To say Shang Qinghua had moved on was a blatant lie.
Shang Qinghua had so many little crushes but that ended when he met Mobei-Jun. He fell in love with the man at the beach. Mobei-Jun was comforting in his own way, so attentive and willing to listen to him, even to things that people would consider bullshit. Shang Qinghua loved every second he’d had with Mobei-Jun.
But then he asked Shang Qinghua to return with him to the city after a month and a half together. Back to the city he wanted to forget, to the place where all the people who used to ruin his life were. Knowing that Mobei-Jun was an important person you’d find on the covers of business magazines terrified him. He once had a successful life in the city, but one thing and then another led to his downfall. He’d had enough money to take a retreat to a small, tropical island. Then he loved it, buying a little cottage and never having a thought of returning.
Shang Qinghua thought if it was with Mobei-Jun, everything would be fine. Still his old life creeped back in when many knew him as Mobei-Jun’s newest lover. Then he discovered that the real Mobei-Jun wasn’t the man that he met and loved at the beach. Shang Qinghua wasn’t ready to see who Mobei-Jun really was; ruthless, cold, and demanding. His job was stressful and Mobei-Jun was bad at keeping his emotions in check. Little by little, Mobei-Jun treated him as his emotional dump. It didn’t help that Mobei-Jun’s social circles were full of people that only enjoyed gossiping and nothing else.
Shang Qinghua didn’t want to lose his sanity, so he left and ended their one year relationship.
He had to slap himself so many times over thoughts of looking back, reminding himself that they had different lives. Mobei-Jun belonged with the rich and their nasty politics while Shang Qinghua returned to his little cottage, doing freelance work and enjoying a slow life with an even slower internet connection.
But then Mobei-Jun returned this morning, knocking on his cottage door, asking him in the most awkward manner possible whether he could check on the villa’s condition. As if today wasn’t weird enough, the short-tempered, prideful Mobei-Jun he knew carried him back to their villa, kneeling in front of him and apologising.
It was… a surprise.
“I… I told the people that the house also comes with a sailboat.” Shang Qinghua didn’t dare to look at Mobei-Jun. It was embarrassing, never in his life did he imagine someone kneeling for him and—much less Mobei-Jun of all people—cleaning his feet. “I haven’t checked it but it was maintained regularly. It should work fine.”
Shang Qinghua stood up, walking towards the other side of the boardwalk where the sailboat docked. Mobei-Jun followed beside him, looking around at the captivating view of the island and the sea.
Walking together like this, side by side, accompanied by the creaking wood from the boardwalk and the gentle waves from the sea, felt so nostalgic. Back then, Mobei-Jun wasn’t a talkative person either, but he always had little witty comments that could make Shang Qinghua laugh.
Shang Qinghua had a lot of complicated feelings. Sure, he missed Mobei-Jun, but he wasn’t sure whether he missed the craziest month in his life when they moved in together, having a villa and a whole beach of his own, or Mobei-Jun himself. When he went back with Mobei-Jun to the city, it wasn’t all that bad either. There were nights where Mobei-Jun would listen to his stories, but those nights were rare. Most of the time he was busy with his work. Shang Qinghua felt lonelier compared to when it was only the two of them, working on their villa’s sundeck and protesting over slow internet together.
Mobei-Jun held a place dear to his heart but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to return.
“Of all the weird things you bought,” Shang Qinghua jumped to the sailboat. He put all the cleaning products on a corner and started cleaning the deck. “I don’t understand; why the sailboat?”
“You said you love the sea.”
“Yeah but neither of us know how to sail.”
It was stupid, really. They thought sailing would be as easy as driving a car, but the sailboat drifted too far and they couldn’t sail it back to the dock. They tried all the dumb ideas; from tying the boat to their shoulders and attempted to swim back with the boat behind them, only for them to remember afterwards they brought their cellphone and that they could call for help instead.
“We didn’t.”
Mobei-Jun looked at him with a tender look. It wasn’t obvious, but Shang Qinghua could see a brief smile coming from the corner of his mouth. It made him smile for a bit.
“You shouldn’t have bought this boat.”
“But you had so much fun, it was worth it.”
Shang Qinghua had thought a lot about leaving this island. He wanted to forget everything that had happened in this place and explore the world, never to stay at one place for too long. He still had a lot in his savings, enough to fund his travel for the next two years without having to use the money from selling this villa. Despite everything—even the beach—being under his name, Shang Qinghua never felt he deserved it all and intended to return the money to Mobei-Jun.
“Yeah.”
But now, Shang Qinghua wasn’t sure whether he was ready to leave it all.
Whether it was four years ago or today, both were always meant to be a brief holiday.
“Well… it has been nice seeing you again.”
Shang Qinghua had expected that when he heard Mobei-Jun would stay for a week it would be awkward.
“Likewise.”
Who knew it would be this fun? It was more like catching up between two long-lost friends rather than anything romantic but it was enough. Hell, it was even better than Shang Qinghua could have expected.
“If you decide to leave and start your travels, contact me.”
“I’m not sure about it,” Shang Qinghua chuckled, “A-about the leaving part, I mean. I think I’ll stay here longer.”
When Shang Qinghua visited all the places he went together with Mobei-Jun back then, he felt like he was taking a trip down memory lane. Buying produce from the small floating market and climbing the island’s overlook to admire its beauty from the tallest height. It was fun and Shang Qinghua remembered all the things that made him fall in love with this place in the beginning.
Then Mobei-Jun’s phone rang, reminding him of the life he had outside of this dreamy tropical island. Shang Qinghua had left the bustling life in the city, preferring the quietness of the island. As lovely as the last week had been, the constant ringing reminded them both of their own lives.
“You should go now. Everyone back home needs you,” Shang Qinghua chuckled. From Mobei-Jun’s expression and his tongue clicking, Shang Qinghua could guess that the call came from his secretary. “Since I’ll be staying here for a while, call me if you need a break. I’ll help you if you want to book the best resort—”
All of a sudden, Mobei-Jun threw his phone out towards the sea.
Shang Qinghua didn’t know how to respond to the sudden act. He was aware of how crazy Mobei-Jun could be sometimes, but he never would have thought Mobei-Jun would be that crazy .
Shang Qinghua sighed almost fondly. Of all the crazy things Mobei-Jun has done, he shouldn’t be surprised.
“So,” Mobei-Jun turned to Shang Qinghua again, this time holding his hand as they returned to their villa. “Where were we?”
Sometimes Shang Qinghua wondered how Mobei-Jun could find a way to make him fall in love, again and again.