Work Text:
Fade light from a desk lamp fell on crumpled pieces of paper, torn out from a book in a fit of anger or despair. Tears were falling on a rough surface. First, second, third. A triangle from a smartass theorem started to look like a vague geometrical figure. In front of his eyes were all floaty.
Guan Shan forced his fists open because of the pain. Though it had never stopped as if he was born with it. Bitch was taking a bite out of his solar plexus and sitting there like a parasite his whole life. Sometimes the pain turned into shame or anger. The pain was pulling out his veins, sucking blood like a vampire, and continuing to live.
He rubbed his eyes. What is the point of crying? He is not a ten-year-old boy and nobody gives a fuck he’s tired.
Mom also couldn't keep up. And he couldn't help her enough. He couldn't take another shift in the grocery store. They fired him. According to his school performance and property damage, he’ll be kicked out of the school sooner or later.
Guan Shan kept an urge to hit the table. The book wasn't a reason for his shitty situation. And He fucking Tian also wasn't.
He’ll leave soon and redhead won’t hear about him anymore.
But why the fuck it is so hurtful? Why he is feeling ashamed whenever his mom is smiling at him in the morning before school?
“Sweetie I’m so happy you have friends!”
“Sweetie, hurry up, I’ll wash the dishes!”
“Sweetie, you need rest, it’s okay, you're a teenager yet!”
She always worried about him. She cared, endured all of his stupid actions, stitched his clothes, and bought him candies even if they were run out of money. When Guan Shan realized all this he wished the ground swallow him up. But if it happens, his mom would be completely alone. It’s wrong.
He wished her smiling. He was ready to do everything to see her happy as often as possible. But what has he done the last few days? Messing around with these dorks? Awesome, Guan Shan! A fucking vacation!
The redhead swallowed and thought about a conversation he accidentally heard in the locker room before leaving. The Head girl was whispering with some unknown girl about He Tian. He knew there was a lot of gossip about him, mostly ridiculous, but not this one. It seems this asshole will leave.
But why he hadn’t told anyone about it?
Guan Shan had a hunch that this guy has tons of skeletons in his closet. Naturally, every person has them, the difference is only in the scale of the catastrophe. If He Tian leaves, it means he has a reason. His family is either from the mafia or politicians and has a lot of money. Who knows what’s on their mind? It’s not of his business.
He shouldn’t think and worry about it, but instead of it he sat, looking straight ahead, and a hieroglyph «贺» - “He” was bouncing in his mind.
This jerk Tian never left him alone, picked on him, driving him mad with annoying attention, but Guan Shan can’t tell him to go fuck himself. There was too much between them that he was even scared to think of.
This puppy-eyes “Don’t abandon me”, naughty “I couldn't handle myself”, friendly and uplifting “Do what you like, I’ll support you”...
Redhead looked down at the red guitar, standing alone in the corner of the small room.
He Tian could behave differently, but he ticked him off always the same way. However not to the boiling point. Or did Guan Shan just put up with it? Honestly speaking it was fun with these three jerks. How many times did they go for a walk? They were in the mountains and became regular in the cafe near the subway. Mom was right, in this company, he started to forget he had a lot of “you must” and “you can’t”. He was turning into a regular schoolboy not better and not worse than the others.
Oh, he wished he could be normal! Like Zheng Xi, for example, playing games, reading manga, and spending hours with books… Or Jian Yi - messing around without thinking about consequences, because friends nearby that always support and protect him. He had protection also. He Tian kinda became his protector making his way from crazy stalker to bodyguard and even friend. Guan Shan started to tell him what he thinks he shouldn't.
Why the hell he had been doing so?
He knew that He Tian isn't normal. But he couldn't bring himself to say it directly.
There was not just friendship and he knew it perfectly.
“Asshole” - redhead looked at a pile of books and grabbed a piece of paper poking out of pages. It was twice folded and left there in a hurry. Looked as if someone wanted to forget it.
“I don’t want you to like me more and more”.
Fingers shaking Guan Shan finally unfolded the paper.
“That was s lie”.
He wanted to smash his forehead on the table. The stronger the better. Just to lose all his memories. But this won’t save him anymore. He Tian never meant friendship, when he’d written it. And redhead knew all this from the beginning. He had this gut feeling all along.
He isn’t ready.
But if He Tian leaves soon, it would mean all of this ends? And he has to deal with it? Or like his grandpa once said, - “Everything will work out, sooner or later”.
Why is his heart bleeding? His conscience told him that he had to say “no” from the beginning. He had to be honest, had to be a man. But what could he possibly do when this jerk perverted every fucking word, every posture, and gesture. Guan Shan always ended up a fool.
They can’t be friends, but what He Tian wants… is also impossible.
‘Stupid chicken dick!’ - murmured redhead through his teeth.
The pain grew up to anger, and then to confusion. He must wake up in four hours and he has done nothing yet. When teachers ask him about his homework what will he answer? Sorry, I worked hard till eleven o'clock and then had time to sit and suffer about my useless existence?
Teachers don’t give a shit about what’s going on in his life. The study is sacred for them.
But he didn’t want to sleep, even after a warm shower, lying in a cozy bed. He grabbed the phone and looked through chats. What if he’ll call He Tian right now? What if he tells him everything starkly?
Сonscience helpfully reported to him, that such news is likely to destroy He Tian.
And then he saw Tian’s face in front of him, hidden behind his palms. “I had a dream… I saw a puppy I lost when I was young. He came back. After that, I understood I hate loneliness. Stay with me...”
Stay? What the hell, why “stay” if he leaves?
Guan Shan couldn’t sleep and didn’t know what to do. He didn’t believe in love at first sight, and such romantic bullshit. He didn’t have a girlfriend and attraction as such. No one could give him advice, and by the way how to ask for it?
“Please tell me what to do if a boy likes me? And what should I do if I'm also a boy?”
Guan Shan rolled over and looked at the screensaver. 3 AM. Does He Tian sleep right now? Redhead remembered how he stayed over. He Tian moved his gigantic bed just to watch Guan Shan sleeping. Like a maniac. Of course, he pretended to sleep, and also watch over him, shaking for no reason.
Why did He Tian never tell him? Even girls write love letters for boys. The one girl dared to write to Zheng Xi.
No, boys won’t do so. And He Tian won’t speak with him, cause he already knew the answer.
Is it scary? To hear “no, I don't like you”?
Redhead took a deep breath and tried to put himself in He Tian’s place. Hearing from the person you like such words as “no, I don’t like you” loud and clear. It has to be hurt a lot. Especially if you feel lonely. And Tian is lonely it’s obvious. His family is rich, but he lives alone. He hasn’t got friends, apart from these dorks, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi. After school, he is either with them or gets into a fancy black car and disappears. His brother is also weird, twice bigger, but with the same gaze as a wolf. A hungry wolf. Guanshan wondered if he knows about his brother. And what if he already knew?
Sleep has gone completely. Redhead rubbed his eyes and stretched out wearily. Mom’s bed squeaked - she woke up and went to the kitchen. Maybe to drink water or something else.
Guanshan hid his cell phone under the pillow and turned away to the wall.
Thinking about this jerk so much - it’s not normal. They have to talk, to ease his conscience. That’s all. And then all is going to be okay, like his grandpa once said, “Everything will work out, sooner or later.”