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Kyouraku appeared in Ukitake's doorway, out of breath and more than a little flustered. Ukitake turned from where he was writing at his desk and greeted his companion.
“Shunsui! You’re back! How was it over there, in the living world?”
Removing his hat, Kyouraku pinched the bridge of his nose to steady himself, taking a deep breath. He shrugged his haori from his shoulders dramatically, and when he sat he was uncharacteristically tense.
“You would not believe the things I have seen, Ukitake,” He breathed, leaning forward to gaze intently at his friend. “I do not know what it is about this century, but the technological progress is astounding. Things that defy the imagination. Things that defy science itself!”
Ukitake nodded sagely, concernedly. This modern era was certainly full of both promise and threat. “What have you found?”
“It will redefine relationships,” Kyouraku said in hushed tones, “It will redefine human interaction! It will redefine us!”
Reaching into his robes, Kyouraku carefully pulled out an aerosol can and held it out so that Ukitake could see.
In a voice no louder than a whisper, he triumphantly declared – “It is instantaneous whipped cream.”
Content that Ukitake was sufficiently awed, Kyouraku removed the cap, shook the can and carefully sprayed a small amount of cream onto his finger. The tension in the room was almost tangible.
“It comes out… automatically?” Ukitake murmured.
“No longer will our arms ache after hours of whipping,” Kyouraku replied.
“We won’t even have to milk the cows ourselves,” Ukitake whispered, as Kyouraku tilted Ukitake’s chin and brought the coil of cream to his lips. He growled in the back of his throat as Ukitake opened his mouth, anticipating a leisurely kiss. Kyouraku closed his eyes and smiled in the expectation of his pretty man’s lips on his, smeared with cream, at least until Kuchiki Rukia appeared out of nowhere with her young friend from the human world.
“Captain,” She shouted in greeting, falling to the floor in a formal bow. The boy, Kurosaki, was late to follow, looking bemused as he usually did.
“Oh, h-hi kids,” Ukitake said pleasantly, disentangling himself from his partner.
“What’s up? How’s it all going down at the…with the…with the… ”
“With the gangsters,” Kyouraku interjected moodily, brightening somewhat when he remembered what he held in his hand.
“Kuchiki, have you ever seen one of these?”
Taking one glance at the can, Kuchiki saluted.
“Yes, sir! That is instantaneous whipped cream! A convenient dairy product that takes the effort out of making delectable desserts, and that must be stored at a cold temperature!”
Kurosaki couldn’t help himself. “Oh, what now?!”
“Shh,” She hissed. “The magnificence of that product cannot be underestimated! I have heard that it has revolutionized relationships in the spirit world, though in what manner I myself cannot be entirely sure!”
The faint blush blossoming on her cheeks suggested this wasn't entirely true.
“You’ve never milked a cow yourself, have you, Kurosaki,” Kyouraku said.
Kurosaki stared. “I don’t believe this. You guys mustn’t get out much. Haven’t you ever seen sugar cubes, or plastic cheese, or Pepsi Max? You must know that crème caramel comes in a tub, now.”
“Don’t take us for fools,” Kyouraku growled, his statement somewhat eclipsed by Ukitake’s loud cry of “…in a tub?!”
"Yeah," Kurosaki continued. "There's all different flavours too, like coffee, or green tea, or chocolate..."
"Chocolate?" Whispered Ukitake, and the look in his wide, pupil-blown eyes was starting to make Kurosaki very uncomfortable. "Isn't that terribly expensive?"
"Not really." He shrugged uncomfortably, noticing that Rukia, too was staring at him intently. "Chocolate's pretty cheap. You can get it in tubes, or different shapes, or like, there's this spread, kind of hazelnut flavoured..."
Even the words left his mouth, he knew it was a terrible idea. "Do you want me to get you some, or...?"
News of the existence of instantaneous whipped cream spread across Soul Society like wildfire. It was when Kurosaki found himself contemplating the logistics of getting a truck through the gates to accommodate the demands made of him by keen citizens over the past month or so that he knew he had to put an end to his generosity. The look in Kurotsuchi's eyes when he requested a crate of chocolate sauce for 'research purposes' was almost too much to bear. No, this had to end.
Similarly difficult to bear was the sight of the two captains who had initiated the saga when Kurosaki came with polite intention to stop the whole business.
On entering Ukitake's room Kurosaki couldn't hide his expression of distaste on viewing what could only be described as the aftermath of an episode of debauchery. Kyouraku lay sprawled on the floor with one arm flopped over his eyes. The other massaged his belly, the shape of which was clearly visible beneath the layers of kimono which otherwise failed to conceal a naked, hairy thigh. Ukitake, too looked as though he was sleeping off the remains of a new year's banquet, though he seemed altogether too rosy and indulged for Kurosaki's comfort.
Plastic wrappers and discarded cans littered the floor.
Kurosaki learned something that day; even spirits could put on weight.
"Uh... I'm afraid that I won't be able to take on any more requests for items from the human world," He announced nervously, confidence not bolstered by Kyouraku's dramatic non-verbal response of "Ugh."
"It's just... um, I need to be training and now everybody wants items from the human world, and it's not exactly cheap..."
It was disconcerting that even well-mannered Ukitake wasn't hasty in struggling to prop himself on his arms to address Kurosaki. Shameless, it was shameless.
"Oh, Kurosaki-kun, you should have knocked... please excuse the mess in here. Never mind about that... certainly we appreciated your initial offer, and we're most thankful. Please forgive us if it's been a bother."
Kyouraku groaned. "I commend your timing, boy. I think even I can recognise an indulgence gone too far. No more, please no more..."
"Yes, once something is easy to obtain, it ceases to become a special treat, doesn't it. You don't appreciate the work that goes into it, all of the build-up..." Ukitake stretched, and in moving, he knocked his leg against a small pile of aerosol cans.
"Ooh, there might be some left in that one."
"I'll milk the cow next time," Muttered Kyouraku. "I'll do the churning. I'll pick all the cocoa beans, just... save me from myself."
"I do miss watching you work the udders," Said Ukitake with a wistful look. Kurosaki started wishing for death.
"Thank you again for your offer, Kurosaki-kun," Ukitake said, " I understand your situation, it's not terribly fair on you. You've been very kind. You may be dismissed."
Just as Kurosaki turned to exit, Ukitake called out.
"Oh wait... just before you go... it's a question, mind, not a request, just for my own personal interest, just my own curiosity. If a person wished to purchase some items from the human world, just a few, every now and then, out of his own pocket... how might he go about it?"
Kurosaki cursed his own good nature and wished he hadn't noticed that Ukitake's toes had attracted the attention of some ants.