Archive of Our Own

Steve felt numb as he waited for his train to arrive. He sat on the cold metal bench, feeling the chill in the November air, shoulders slumped over as they had been for the last twenty minutes. But it wasn’t the cold making him numb.

No, everything else in his life had just come crashing down and he couldn’t process it. So he sat there, barely thinking anything except ‘how could this have happened’, waiting crestfallen and alone.

After another ten minutes, the train finally pulled into the station, the loud noise jarring to Steve, having been sat quietly for so long.

He gathered up his bag as he stood up and waited for the doors to open, as another flood of noise hit him as late-night revellers departed the train, laughing and joking with their friends. Steve stood waiting, feeling even more alone as he watched them, until it was finally clear for him to board the now almost empty train.

He looked at his ticket as he headed down the passageway, figuring it probably didn’t even matter where he sat, seeing as there were about three other people on board in that car now, but he found his assigned seat anyway out of habit. He put his bag down next to him as he took off his coat and slumped down into his seat, grateful for the tall chairs in front that now shielded him from view of the other passengers, as he pulled his coat over his lap like a blanket.

He lowered his head and tried to keep himself together, but the fact was, he’d taken the night train for a reason. Tony had offered to drive him or fly him, but Steve just wanted to be alone. And the seven and a half hour train journey from Virginia to New York would give him a lot of that. There was really no need to try and stay strong anymore.

He sniffled a little as the first few tears started to fall, as the train pulled away from the station, and he watched Richmond fade away into the distance, along with everything he’d ever wanted. Almost instantly he regretted the tears, quickly realising he didn’t have any tissues, so he started making do with using his shirtsleeve. It’s not like it mattered if he ruined the ridiculously expensive shirt. He’d never be able to wear it again. God, he couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been. How ridiculous he must have looked, dressed in his brand-new fancy suit, hair freshly cut, wanting everything to be absolutely perfect for the woman he loved.

Fresh tears fell from his eyes. God, how was he ever supposed to stop loving her? Maybe it had only been a year since he met Sharon, but it felt like he’d known her all his life. And now he had to live without her again? He couldn’t even fathom it.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he should have listened to his friends when they’d told him it was too fast, too soon. Sam told him and he didn’t listen. Instead he’d planned out a whole stupid, overblown romantic proposal at Sharon’s parents’ house no less, with tons of her friends and family in attendance and made a fool of himself.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the shocked look on Sharon’s face as he got down on one knee on that stupid landing that overlooked the crowd below and spouted out all his feelings, how he’d never met anyone like her, how he wanted to make her happy for the rest of their lives, hearing the crowd collectively hold their breaths in excitement. He’d waited for Sharon’s face to turn into a happy sort of shocked, for her to smile and jump on him and squeal out ‘yes’, but it never happened. The shock turned to horror, which turned to her trying to carefully lead him away from the landing while everyone watched in confusion that rapidly turned into pity for him.

And then she’d said no.

Steve barely heard anything after that, as she tried to explain, to placate him, to make him feel better, as if that was ever a possibility again. How could anything ever be okay again?

He sniffed again, rubbing at his face with his shirt.

“Um…are you okay?”

Steve startled, looking up to see a guy with brown hair peering round in his seat at him from a chair in front and across the aisle. He frantically tried to wipe the remaining tears away, embarrassed at being caught by a stranger.

“Yeah, m’fine, thank you,” he mumbled out, lowering his gaze away, hoping that would be it.

Apparently he wasn’t that convincing.

“Are…are you sure?”

Steve glanced over again, to see genuine concern in the guy’s eyes. Any other time, he might have told him to mind his own business, but that genuine worry he saw there stopped him. “Bad night,” he offered, hoping that would be enough to alleviate the guy’s concern. What an understatement.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the guy responded, before turning back round in his seat, but he was back before Steve could be relieved, holding a packet of travel tissues. “Here,” he offered them out.

Steve actually felt himself tearing up again at the small kindness offered. He sniffled again as he took them, fishing one out that he dried his eyes with, before offering the packet back. “Thank you,” he told the guy, honestly and sadly. God, it was nice having someone be nice to him, even in this little way. Sharon’s family has tried their best after, but he could tell they didn’t really know what to do and it was awkward and horrible as he packed up his things. Tony was the closest friend he had there, but he was Sharon’s cousin first and foremost, hence his kind offers of transport, which Steve couldn’t help but turn down. It wasn’t like they’d stay friends after this anyway.

“Oh no,” the guy held up a hand, “you hold onto those. I have like three more packets anyway.”

Steve must have frowned a little, even as he held onto the packet gratefully.

“Sister’s wedding,” the guy explained with a shrug. “I came prepared for all my crying aunties,” he added with a little smile.

Steve didn’t really hear anything after wedding. The pain hit him again hard. He should be planning his wedding right now, instead of sitting here. He should be listening to Sharon gush in excitement about getting a dress or deciding together what venues they might look at. Instead, he was all alone. Embarrassing tears appeared once again and he quickly made use of his tissue, trying to push the tears away.

“Oh hey, don’t do that,” the guy protested, Steve looking over despite himself, expecting to be told not to cry, only to be surprised. “If you need to have a good cry, you just go right ahead. I’ll just turn round and you don’t need to worry about me hearing or whatever.” He looked terribly sad for Steve as he spoke. “I’m sorry if I made it worse,” he apologised, before turning back round, effectively all but disappearing behind the tall seat.

“N-no, you didn’t,” Steve heard himself calling out before he could stop himself.

The guy appeared again, craning round in his seat, a little pleased looking smile on his face, which then changed to a little apprehensive. “Um, you know, alternatively, if you’d rather talk about it…?” he offered up, looking like he wasn’t sure if he should be offering. Clearly, he figured out from the look on Steve’s face that it was a ‘no’, as he quickly continued on. “Or if you wanted to just take your mind off it and play some cards…?” he asked, reaching forward for a moment and revealing a deck of cards in his hand. He had a little self-conscious smile on his face now. “Sorry, I’ve just been on this train for like seven hours now and I’m getting a little stir-crazy.”

Steve was ready to decline until then. Then he thought about it and realised he could either wallow and probably cry on and off for seven hours himself or he could at least try to go for a distraction, even if he was sure it wouldn’t help much.

“Um, yeah, I wouldn’t mind playing some cards,” he decided. “For a little bit,” he tacked on, in case he decided he didn’t want the company after all.

The guy’s face broke into a brilliant smile, lighting it up, like it was the best news he’d heard all day. “Yeah?” He was already shifting in his seat. “Cool if I sit next to you? We can use the tray table,” he gestured.

Steve looked at where he pointed and nodded, moving his bag from the seat next to him and shoving it under the one in front of his own.

“I’m Bucky, by the way,” the guy stated as he stood up and headed over, giving Steve the full view of his black jeans and cosy looking maroon sweatshirt he had on, both creased and rumpled, which Steve supposed seven hours on a train would do to you.

“Steve.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Bucky said with a kind smile, settling down next to him. “How about Go Fish?”

Steve huffed a little and nodded. “Sounds good.”

He waited as Bucky set it up and then they started playing. And Steve found it did help, at least a little, as long as he tried to focus just on the card game and not on how his mind kept racing. But after a couple of rounds, it became clear that Bucky had definitely gotten bored on the train and Steve was a nice distraction for him as well, as he started asking him a few tentative questions as they started playing another round.

“So, where are you headed?” Bucky asked with curious eyes, glancing over at Steve.

“Um, New York,” Steve replied, focusing on his cards and not the thought of going back to his apartment and seeing Sharon’s things there. Not that they’d even lived together, but she left things at his place a lot and suddenly he started wondering why they never lived together? When he’d first suggested it, Sharon had fussed about his place being too far from her work and suggested they revisit the idea later. And instead of doing that, a few months later Steve had decided to propose instead. What was wrong with him? How had he not realised she didn’t want the same commitment he did?

“Me too!” Bucky had announced while Steve had an inner breakdown. “Oh, hey, oh no, I made you sad again, didn’t I?” he started worrying, Steve feeling his eyes on him even as he looked away in embarrassment.

Steve forced himself to shake his head and took a deep breath so he wouldn’t cry again. “No, no, it’s not…it’s not you,” he reassured Bucky, swallowing hard. “It’s just…I sort of just got broken up with,” he admitted, because while he sort of wanted to keep it all in, he also wanted to talk about it to anyone who might listen, because it hurt and he didn’t understand and he couldn’t make sense of it. “So, I’m kind of going home alone and I…” He broke off, emotions getting the best of him again.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry, Steve.”

There was a tentative little pat on his arm that Steve looked over at, to see pure concern and sympathy in Bucky’s eyes. He attempted a little shrug back.

“Breaking up really sucks—”

“We didn’t just break up,” Steve cut in, suddenly feeling talkative. “I…I proposed and she said no,” he stated, voice cracking. Just saying the words out loud felt unbelievable. How was this his life? “I proposed in front of all her family and friends like an idiot and she said she couldn’t be with me anymore, that we weren’t right for each other, that we wanted different things.” He found one of his tissues and blew his nose, not really caring how much of a mess he was anymore. He just wanted to let it out. “I’m such an idiot, how could I have…” He broke off, not able to answer that himself.

“Oh, Steve, that…that’s awful,” Bucky said after a moment of silence. “I don’t know what to say,” he added gently, and at least he was honest, Steve thought. He paused for a moment. “Would it be weird if I offered you a hug?”

Steve turned his head to look at Bucky in surprise.

“I’m from a family of huggers,” Bucky explained, cringing a little, like he realised it was kind of weird for a stranger to offer you a hug.

Steve was oddly tempted but shook his head. “I-I’m okay.”

Bucky gave him an understanding smile. “Fair enough. Offer’s there though,” he said kindly.

A little silence passed between them, cards abandoned on the tray table.

“You know,” Bucky spoke up, “I remember—and this isn’t the same, not at all, I’m not trying to compare or anything—but I remember when me and my ex broke up and I’d been so sure he was the one and when it ended it was awful. I dragged myself around for months, miserable. Only thing that ever made me feel better for a little bit were my mom’s hugs,” he admitted with a little sheepish smile.

“My mom’s dead,” Steve stated bluntly, not even meaning to, but it just came out.

Bucky’s eyes widened and he sat up in his seat. “Shit, I’m so sorry, Steve, I’m just…I’m really not helping, am I,” he said as a sad realisation.

“Sorry,” Steve apologised quickly. “I…I didn’t mean to…” He couldn’t really finish the sentence. “I don’t think anything’s going to really help,” he admitted to Bucky’s sad accepting look. He felt strangely bad for making Bucky feel bad. But it wasn’t like he could just feel better. Instead, he fished in his pocket and held out his hand, opening the box that felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. “This was my mom’s wedding ring,” he explained as Bucky looked. “She wanted me to have it to give to whoever I was going to marry.”

Bucky looked deeply sad as he looked at the ring. “It’s really beautiful,” he offered.

“I always thought so,” Steve replied, managing a small smile as he thought about his mom. “My dad didn’t have a lot of money, so it’s not all that fancy or anything, but it just…it’s always meant something, you know?”

Bucky nodded along. “It’s special,” he said simply, getting it.

Steve nodded too, before his face fell as he pictured Sharon’s face again as he held that ring up to her just a few hours ago. Maybe the ring hadn’t been impressive enough for her? It only had two very small diamonds inlaid on the band next to the small aquamarine stone in the middle. Maybe he should had gotten her something with a big diamond? But no, he reminded himself. It was him, not the ring, that she didn’t want. “I guess it’s just pointless now,” he realised.

“Oh hey, don’t say that!” Bucky protested, making Steve look over again. “Just because she wasn’t the one, that doesn’t mean you won’t still find them. I know it doesn’t feel like that now, but—”

“Did you?” Steve couldn’t help asking, irked by essentially a stranger telling him Sharon wasn’t the one. Maybe she was the one for him, but he wasn’t for her. What did this guy know? “After your ex?”

Bucky’s face fell a little and he hesitated. “Um, okay, well no, not yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t,” he tried, adding a hopeful little smile at the end.

Steve huffed a little.

“Ah, c’mon, Steve, you have to have a little faith, okay? I don’t mean this in a bad way, but maybe your ex was right? Maybe if you had gotten married and it didn’t work out down the line then it would hurt even more then?”

Steve’s heart panged again when Bucky said ‘ex’. But that’s what Sharon was now. His ex. Not his fiancé, not his wife. But Bucky didn’t know what he was talking about. He didn’t know anything about him or Sharon.

“Look, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but you don’t know anything about me or her,” he told Bucky, feeling both exhausted and annoyed now. “I-I think I’m gonna try and sleep a bit,” he decided.

Bucky took it for what it was—a rejection. He looked a little hurt but started gathering up his cards quickly. “Okay,” he said sadly as he stood up. He lingered for a moment. “I’m sorry if I…” He broke off and gave Steve a forced smile. “I really hope you’ll be okay,” he said instead, before heading back to his seat, disappearing behind the tall chair.

Steve slumped down, staring out the dark window. Great. Now he felt heartbroken and guilty for being horrible to a guy who was just trying to be nice. But it didn’t matter. He couldn’t bring himself to care enough. Nothing really mattered anymore now.

He took a breath and turned to stare out the dark window. But he couldn’t sleep.

****

An hour later and all Steve had done was make himself feel worse. He kept replaying moments in his and Sharon’s relationship, trying to piece together any signs that maybe she wasn’t in it for the long haul. Sadly, the more he thought about it, the more he realised there were signs. He couldn’t help but wonder how he didn’t see it before. And then he started thinking back to his only serious relationship before Sharon, his college boyfriend, Michael, and he realised there were similar warning signs with them both. So maybe he was just a clueless idiot who couldn’t see what was right in front of his face.

He noticed movement out the corner of his eye, pulling him from his morose thoughts, and he saw Bucky standing up and stretching a little before he turned and accidently met Steve’s eyes, instantly looking a little cautious, before he threw on what was clearly a forced smile.

“Hey, um, I’m heading to the dining car, would you mind just watching my stuff for me?” he asked tentatively.

Steve felt terrible. He was so rude to Bucky when the guy had done nothing but try to be kind to a stranger. “Yeah, sure,” Steve nodded back, trying to sound friendly and attempting a small smile. He really didn’t mean to be such an ass. He was just so tired and hurt and when he thought about it, he also realised he was kind of angry too. But that didn’t mean Bucky deserved to have Steve take his emotions out on him.

Bucky nodded back in thanks, before walking past Steve but then paused and turned back. “Could I get you anything while I’m there?” he asked, looking like he didn’t know if he should be asking.

Steve almost wished he wouldn’t ask. The small kindness made him feel even worse. But maybe he could at least rectify this situation if nothing else in his life. He twisted round in his seat. “Um, I would love a coffee if you don’t mind?” he asked, hesitantly.

“No problem,” Bucky replied, moving back closer as Steve dug around for some cash for him.

He held it out but didn’t let go when Bucky took hold of the other end, keeping him there for a moment. “Um, I’m really sorry about before,” Steve apologised, meeting Bucky’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to be so snippy, I’m just—”

Bucky waved his other hand as Steve released the money. “It’s okay. You’re hurting, and I shouldn’t go round sticking my nose in other people’s business.”

Steve frowned a little, sad that he made Bucky feel that way, especially because Bucky was a rarity—someone who didn’t look the other way and just ignore someone. He didn’t want his reaction to stop Bucky wanting to help someone else in the future. “I didn’t really mind,” he admitted. “It was nice to talk to someone, honestly,” he added, feeling very vulnerable but wanting Bucky to know his kindness was appreciated. He gathered his courage. “Maybe, um, when you get back, we could have our coffees together?” he offered, hopefully.

Bucky looked touched. “Yeah, I…that sounds like a plan.” He smiled a little and then moved forward and returned with his stuff, placing it on the seat across from Steve. “That way you can see it,” he said with a shoulder shrug before he headed off down the car.

Steve felt relieved. At least he hadn’t made a complete stranger hate him. That had to be a plus. He found himself gazing at Bucky’s stuff, wondering if it could tell him more about the guy. There was a garment bag that Bucky hadn’t taken any care to hang, so it was folded in half and a little crumpled, Steve figuring it must have been a suit for the wedding he said he’d been at, and along with that a big black duffel bag. There was also a dog-eared book flung on top, a water bottle, and a blue wool coat. It didn’t tell him much. Steve would just have to ask Bucky more about himself when he got back. If he could make himself really focus, finding out more about his train companion would at least be something to keep his mind from other things.

It wasn’t long before Bucky reappeared, two disposable cups in hand and a brown paper bag hanging from one wrist. He lit up with a little smile as he met Steve’s eyes and carefully handed his coffee over.

“Thank you so much,” Steve thanked him profusely, the warmth against his hands instantly comforting.

“I didn’t know how you took it, so I got all the fixings in there,” Bucky replied, wiggling his arm so the bag slid off his wrist onto the chair next to Steve before Bucky sat down in the seat next to his things across the aisle.

Steve felt weirdly disappointed that he didn’t want to sit next to him, but he supposed this was better for them both. This way if Bucky got bored of him, Bucky wouldn’t have to move seats. He could just say he wanted to read or look out the window or something. It would probably happen at some point, Steve figured. Clearly people eventually got bored of him, one way or another.

Steve tried to pull himself out of those self-pitying thoughts and put his coffee down on his tray, fishing around in the bag to find sugar, sweetener and creamer, along with stirring sticks and surprisingly, a piece of yellow sponge cake with white frosting and sprinkles on, wrapped in shrink-wrap.

He fished that out and held it out to Bucky. “Here, don’t forget your cake.”

Bucky looked a little uncomfortable and didn’t take it. “Oh, erm, that’s actually, uh, for you,” he said hesitantly. “If you want it,” he added quickly. “I just figured, you deserve something nice after the day you’ve had. I mean, sorry it’s kind of crappy, the options were pretty limited to be honest.”

Steve wasn’t going to cry over a piece of cake. He really wasn’t. But he did feel the tears trying to come out because he was so touched. The idea that Bucky could care enough to do something nice for him—a stranger who’d not even been all that nice to him in return—made his chest clench. It was nice to know there were still people that kind in a world that felt so cold to Steve right now.

He pulled the cake back towards himself, staring at it. “T-that’s really nice, thank you, Bucky.” He looked up again to see Bucky looking pleased, though a little like he was trying not to.

Bucky shrugged casually. “I just figured, who says you can’t have cake at eleven at night if you want.”

Steve managed a smile back and then realised something. “You didn’t get any for yourself?”

Bucky let out a little laugh. “Nah, I just got done eating about ten pounds of wedding cake last night, I may have reached my limit for cake for at least, hmm, maybe two days?” he joked. “Which if you knew me, you would know that’s a big deal,” he grinned.

Steve decided that was as good a chance to ask as any. “Well, tell me about you?” he requested. “You let me babble on, what’s your story?”

Bucky looked a little surprised, but then sank back in his seat, cup in hand. “Well…what do you want to know?”

Steve poured creamer into his coffee and stirred it. “Anything? It’ll be a great distraction, honestly,” he admitted.

Bucky huffed, clearly a little amused, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, hmmm, well like I said, I was at my sister’s wedding in North Carolina, but I live and work in New York, and originally I’m from Indiana. I have a cat called Alpine and my friend Clint is looking after her at the moment for me. Oh, and I’m a concert pianist as my profession, so at the wedding lots of my relatives kept asking when I was going to get a real job, almost as frequently as they asked when I was going to find a nice woman to settle down with,” he chuckled. “They like to conveniently forget that they know I’m gay,” he added with an eye roll.

Steve listened intently as Bucky spoke, completely charmed by the fact that he felt the need to include his cat in his introduction to all things Bucky. But his job caught his attention even more. “A concert pianist?” he asked, amazed. “That sounds amazing, what’s that like?”

“Best job in the whole world,” Bucky said casually back.

“And it, uh, pays the bills?” Steve asked before he could stop himself.

Luckily Bucky seemed to find it funny. He chuckled at Steve. “Better than you might think.”

Steve felt his face heat up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…I mean I’m an artist, so people always ask me that and I guess I…I mean I’ve never met anyone who made music their profession, you know?”

Bucky looked interested now. “An artist? What sort of stuff?”

“Oh, um, mainly charcoal, some paintings sometimes.”

“And that pays the bills?” Bucky asked with a straight face.

Steve found himself laughing. Actually laughing. Which seemed insane considering he was pretty sure he’d never laugh again after what happened today. He felt very grateful to Bucky in that moment. “Uh, not as well as you might hope,” he joked back, making Bucky laugh too.

“So, are you from New York?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah. Brooklyn specifically.”

Bucky suddenly looked pensive. “You’re not gonna have to move or anything like that cause of…” He trailed off, looking like he thought he might have incurred Steve’s wrath again.

“No, no,” Steve reassured him. “We didn’t actually, um, live together.”

If Bucky thought that was weird, he didn’t say anything. “Oh? Well that’s probably good then?” he offered. “I mean, not good, but you know, um, better than having to move?” he added carefully.

Steve supposed it was. “Yeah, I guess.” He sighed a little and took a sip of his coffee. “I’ve actually never lived with anyone before. My ex, Michael, never wanted to live with me either. I guess I should be wondering what’s wrong with me,” he added with a sad little huff. What was wrong with him?

Bucky’s eyes had widened a little when Steve glanced over. As he opened his mouth, Steve was sure he was going to argue and say that wasn’t true, but he once again surprised him.

“Well, I mean, I’d love to tell you there’s nothing wrong with you, but I’ve only known you for, hmm, two hours or so, so I can’t really say for sure,” he said, with a teasing grin.

Steve’s mouth fell open and he found himself smiling again, which once again seemed crazy, because he should be wallowing. “Wow, that’s really supportive of you!” he teased back, playing up how offended he was.

Bucky grinned in return, the mood so much lighter between them. “Hey, I got you cake, what more do you want,” he joked.

Steve’s eyes returned to his cake. “Yeah, you did,” he said softly to himself, before getting started unwrapping it, hit once again by that small kindness.

“Seriously though,” Bucky continued, more softly now. “I’m sure it’s nothing you did. Sometimes life just sucks and we can’t figure out a reason for it, it just does.”

It was such a simple thing to say, but Steve couldn’t help but feel a rush of gratitude for Bucky, because somehow he’d made Steve feel just a tiny bit better. Maybe this whole thing was all his fault and he’d have to live with that, maybe he took a leap and it didn’t pay off, but maybe he needed to. At least now he knew how Sharon really felt. “I guess so,” he replied, before taking a bite of his cake.

“Good?” Bucky checked, as he munched through it.

Steve nodded, mouth full. It was good, as far a train cakes went. It didn’t make him feel better itself, but someone caring about him in this little way did, and that meant a lot.

Bucky looked satisfied, and Steve figured he was probably just one of those kind people who just really liked helping other people out. It was funny, because he thought he’d wanted to be alone, but Bucky was helping way more than any of Sharon’s family had and he could only be grateful.

“Did you want to play some more cards?” he offered, once finished with his cake.

Bucky nodded easily. “Always,” he grinned, pulling out the deck again.

The next couple of hours seemed to fly by, even as it got later and later, and Steve could feel the tiredness settling over him. But he didn’t want to sleep. He and Bucky had been talking and playing cards and it was strange, but he already felt like he knew a lot about Bucky, but then he supposed hours of sitting in a confined space with a person could do that.

He watched as Bucky covered a yawn with his hand, before shuffling the cards.

“You don’t have to stay up if you want to sleep,” Steve told him, feeling a little bad for keeping him up. It was past one in the morning now and the train was quiet inside as it rumbled along.

Bucky shook his head, pushing a hand through his hair, messing it up. “Nah, never can sleep properly on trains. I’ll just crash for like a day when I get home.”

That made Steve feel a little better. “If you’re sure,” he said with a grateful smile.

“You don’t want to sleep either?” Bucky checked.

Steve quickly shook his head. “I don’t think I can. Too many things running through my head,” he admitted.

Bucky looked sympathetic. “Can I ask…I mean, you’ve got some friends to take of you when you get back home, right?”

Steve was touched once again by his concern. “Yeah, I…well, I haven’t actually told any of them yet. I don’t know if Sharon would have or…” He really doesn’t want to think about that humiliation to come. He turned his phone off before he got on the train so he wouldn’t have to deal with anything if somehow Sharon and her friends or family did tell anyone in their mutual friend circle. Oh god, some of them had been filming it, what if they posted it online and made him a laughingstock? He panicked for a brief moment but quickly stopped, realising if nothing else that Sharon would never let them do that to him.

“So long as you’ve got someone,” Bucky replied softly.

Steve looked over at him, a little in awe. “You know…I just want to say…I-I really appreciate how nice you’ve been to me, Bucky. I would never have expected a stranger to be so kind and I’m just…well I’m really grateful. I honestly expected to be utterly miserable this whole trip, and…well okay, I still am,” he said with a little honest huff, “but you’ve still really helped. Just thank you.”

Bucky’s face pinked up a little as he waved a hand. “Aw, don’t mention it. You forget that you’re saving me from the boredom of having to put up with myself alone,” he grinned.

Steve managed a little grin back. “Ah, I think you’re underselling yourself. You’re not so bad.”

****

The train finally pulling into Penn Station was even more depressing than Steve thought it would be. Honestly, he’d be happy to spend a few more days on a train, because at least then he wouldn’t have to face his life. Or what was left of it. Somehow though, there was an extra level of sadness, because he realised his time with Bucky was over, and in the early morning hours he’d found himself really opening up to him in ways he never really did with anyone. He’d talked more about Sharon, and Bucky had shared more about his last relationship, they’d talked about coming to the realisation that they were gay and bi respectively, and about their families and Steve even got to see a few pictures of Bucky’s pretty cat. It had been nice. But it was a strange thought, to realise he’d miss someone he only just met. But he wasn’t stupid enough to entertain the idea of him and Bucky exchanging details and being friends. Frankly, he was sure when he was well-rested and thinking a little more clearly, he’d probably be mortified about how much he let himself unload on the poor guy.

So, as they departed the train together, Steve decided to just be grateful that Bucky had been so nice to him and then his thoughts turned to going back to his apartment alone. He’d have to call Sam, he supposed. He still hadn’t turned his phone back on and there were probably messages asking how the proposal went. Because of course, Steve had to go telling his closest friends what he was planning, because he’d been so excited. What an idiot he’d been.

He let out a small sigh as he and Bucky got on the escalators to travel up to the ground floor level. They both walked a few feet so they weren’t blocking anything and then both sort of awkwardly paused, Steve turning to look at him.

“So,” Steve started, with a slightly uncomfortable smile, the private haven feeling of the train already wearing off. “Thank you for listening to me ramble and keeping me company. I know it probably wasn’t how you wanted to spend your journey, but I really appreciated it.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed a little. “Hey, pal, if I’d wanted, I could have moved down the train and ignored you. It wasn’t a hardship, I swear.” He smiled, almost fondly. “I actually had a great time.” Then he scrunched his face up like he realised what he just said. “I don’t mean that in a callous way,” he hurried to clarify.

Steve waved a hand. “It’s fine. I…well, I’m glad you didn’t mind then.”

Bucky smiled back and there was an awkward pause between them.

“Well, I’m, um, over that way,” Steve pointed towards the exit he needed.

Bucky looked and nodded, pointing his thumb over his own shoulder. “I’m back that way.” He hoisted his bag a little higher on his shoulder, garment bag slung over the top of it, crinkled beyond repair.

“Well,” Steve swallowed, adjusting his own bag. “I guess, um, bye then.” He’d barely even started to turn when Bucky stopped him.

“Hey, um, Steve?” he said carefully, making Steve turn back. “I don’t suppose you’d want to get some breakfast, would you?” Bucky looked very cautious as he spoke.

Steve felt a strange rush of relief at the offer and found himself accepting before he even thought it through. “I, uh, yeah, that would be…I’d like that.” He really would, he realised. He wasn’t quite ready to return to reality. Plus he was hungry.

Bucky looked relieved at his response. “I know a place over on eighth?” he offered, hopefully.

Steve nodded, happy he got to put off returning home for a little longer, but almost happier that he got to put off saying goodbye to Bucky for a while longer. He gestured with his hand. “Lead the way.”

****

Three hours later and Steve finally had to admit defeat and head home. To be honest, he would have been happy to spend all day at breakfast with Bucky, because he just weirdly felt a lot better when talking to him. But Bucky finally looked at the time and apologised, saying he had to get home, and Steve wasn’t about to try and take up more of the guy’s time.

“So…this was…I mean thank you. For hanging out with me,” Steve stumbled over his words as they left the restaurant.

“Hey, same here,” Bucky smiled warmly as he held the door for him and they headed outside, stopping just by the front window, the winter chill already making Steve cold again as they stood on the sidewalk.

Steve looked at him, not sure what to do now. A part of him wanted very much to see Bucky again, but a bigger part of him held back.

“So…” Bucky started, breaking their silent stare. “Uh, get home safe?” he offered, with a little smile.

Steve nodded. “Yep, yeah, you too.” So that was that. A pang of disappointment went through him, but he forced on a small smile and lifted his hand in a dumb wave. “Bye.”

“Bye, Steve,” Bucky replied, and Steve must have imagined the sadness in his eyes, but then off they went, heading away in opposite directions, Steve swallowing down his disappointment as he went.

Time to face real life.

Except…he’d only made it ten steps or so when he heard his name being called and turned to see Bucky jogging over to catch up with him.

He stopped and looked at Bucky with curiosity as he stopped in front of him, looking flustered.

“Okay, so look,” Bucky started, pushing his hair back with one hand. He did that a lot, Steve had noticed. “I know this is the worst timing in the entire world, but I was thinking maybe I could give you my number?”

Steve’s eyes widened. No way had he expected that.

Bucky seemed to notice. “I know…I know you’re in no way wanting to be seeing anyone or anything like that, but I just…maybe we could hang out? As friends?” he offered.

“Friends?” Steve managed to repeat, still a bit stunned.

“Yeah?” Bucky offered, a little cringe on his face. “I mean…I just really liked talking to you and don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna lie to you and say I’m not interested in a, um, non-friend way also, but I get that that’s not happening, at least not now,” he babbled, “or for a very long time or probably ever, and that’s definitely not why I wanted to help but, you know, putting that aside and forgetting I said that and made things weird, I don’t really meet people I click with a whole lot and I…it would be cool to hang out again. If you want?”

After hours of emptiness, Steve suddenly felt a little glow in his stomach as he listened to Bucky fumble his way through his words, and he realised that yes, he would like that.

“Yeah, I…I would like that,” he managed. “To be friends,” he added, because while his ego was enjoying being soothed by Bucky finding him attractive, the idea of anything else was impossible. But a friend he could do. A friend he could really use in fact.

And that’s what they were.

After the initial awkwardness of them making their first friend plans to somehow seeing each other at least twice a week, a fast friendship formed. Steve found he liked that Bucky didn’t know Sharon or anyone connected with her, and Bucky was there for Steve when he found it too hard to be around some of his and Sharon’s mutual friends for a while. Steve found he fit in great with Bucky’s friends when he finally met them after a few months and Steve got to see Bucky in his element, in concert, leaving him even more impressed with the guy, because he was incredible. Steve got to meet Bucky’s cat, Alpine, over pizza and movies at Bucky’s place, and Bucky helped Steve move when he decided he needed a fresh start, finally meeting Sam too. Bucky would sometimes come to watch Sam and Steve play basketball and kept score, because he was a terrible player himself, and Bucky came to Steve’s new art show to support him, looking at Steve in awe and making him feel like he’d done a good job.

But most importantly, Bucky was just there. As a friend, as a comfort, as a shoulder to cry on when Steve really needed to, especially in those first few months, somehow becoming the person he turned to the most but also the person he just liked to spend time with and one of the most important people in his life.

And as time wore on, things seemed brighter. Steve could see the big picture. He could see that he and Sharon hadn’t been right for each other after all. He could see that for many reasons. But he also knew it because he finally could see who could be right for him and Steve had never been so happy to have had his heart broken, making him get on that train. Because ten months later, it finally hit him. How much he was in love with the man sitting beside him.

“So anyway, Clint was literally hanging from the rafters, stuck there, and other people are screaming for help, and Nat’s just standing there laughing at him and I’m thinking, okay, how can I try and catch him if he falls, right? And so—”

Steve leaned in and pressed his lips to Bucky’s. There was no thought to it anymore. He just had to do it. Right then. Right there, sitting on a bench in Central Park, takeout burgers and fries in boxes on their laps as they met for lunch. Just a soft, tender press of lips, finally letting go.

Bucky’s eyes were wide and stunned as Steve pulled back. “Uh…”

And any nervousness Steve had felt that maybe Bucky didn’t want this anymore, that maybe he didn’t feel that way for him was gone just by looking at his eyes. Because Bucky looked stunned and unsure, but there was amazement there too, and longing.

Steve’s heart thumped in his chest in happiness, forcing a ridiculous smile onto his face, so he looked down and grabbed a fry, putting it in his mouth as he took a moment and then looked over at Bucky again. “So did you catch him?”

Bucky stared at him. “Catch who…” he uttered, sounding bewildered.

Steve smiled softly as he chewed, happy he’d managed to render Bucky speechless. “Clint,” he prompted.

Bucky just moved to face him more, putting his food down on the side next to him. “Who the hell is Clint…” he murmured.

Steve couldn’t help the happy smile on his face. “Your best friend?” he prompted him, before reaching out and taking Bucky’s hand in his.

Bucky glanced down at their hands, a little awed, before looking back at Steve. “That’s you,” he replied softly.

Steve shrugged a little, looking at their hands as Bucky gently entwined their fingers, skin warm and grounding next to his, hands interlocking like they should always have been that way. “I was thinking…maybe we could change best friend for boyfriend?” he offered with a hopeful smile, looking into Bucky’s eyes, feeling freer than he maybe had his whole life.

Bucky’s face broke into a shy but amazed smile as he squeezed Steve’s hand. “I’m thinking both?” he offered, biting his lower lip.

Steve beamed back like an idiot, glowing with his own happiness, and feeling it all back from Bucky too. Anyone walking past must have thought they were morons, the way they were gazing at each other with huge smiles on their faces, but Steve didn’t care. Bucky had told him on that train that he could still find the one and amazingly he’d been right. Just neither of them had known it would be him.

“Both sounds good,” Steve agreed, thrilled.

And then Bucky leaned in and kissed him. Sweetly, perfectly, the sort of kiss that said I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, his hand coming up to cup Steve’s cheek, only breaking apart because they were in a public place.

Bucky continued gazing at him as Steve pulled back a little, gathering his food from the side again.

“So, you were saying about Clint…?” he prompted, grinning, watching as Bucky seemed to keep staring at his lips.

Bucky blinked and looked at Steve for a moment, before shaking his head and huffing at Steve pretending like their whole world didn’t just shift. But then he continued. “Yeah, so like I was saying, Clint’s there hanging from the rafters and I’m probably gonna get crushed if he falls on me…”

Steve grinned to himself, happiness pouring off of him, listening to his boyfriend’s story. “Want my pickle?” he offered, interrupting, because Bucky always ate the pickles out his burgers for him, Bucky nodding with a smile of thanks as he took it and then continued like everything was the same, except they were still holding hands.

So maybe the first time Steve proposed, he was turned down. The most important thing was that the last time Steve proposed, no one said no.