Chapter Text
How do you know it's time to let go?
Honestly. That question has haunted her since the day they parted ways. Yes, they parted ways, but her heart clung to every last piece of what they had. They danced to the same music for years, beginning with the moment they were partnered after the Battle of New York and ending with the years they fought Thanos.
Yes, they both survived, but everything they had in them did not. They didn't label their relationship. It all started when Natasha opened up to Steve about her life. It caught him by surprise. She wasn’t really the most open person in the world. Their late-night talks were followed by Nat sneaking into his room and falling asleep in his arms every night. They would be in each other’s comfort. They are each other’s home. But when the sun greets the world hello, Nat would also slip away quietly back to her room. No strings attached, they say. That was their arrangement. The moment they felt the peace of being in each other’s space, they couldn’t stop.
On the other side of the story, Steve was falling. The way he would look for her after and during missions, how his eyes would fall to hers in every decision he makes, how he would always make sure to reserve a seat for her beside him every meal. Steve knew their arrangement was complicated. Although complicated is an understatement, it’s easier to describe it that way. Having Natasha felt like a dream. Steve thought he could never fall for someone the way he did with Peggy but with Natasha it’s different. He thought he already knew what falling in love was like until the woman beside her every night came along.
Natasha, she was falling too. If you knew her, you would know she is always ready for anything. But loving Steve Rogers? She didn’t see it coming. She was almost sure she fell for him first. She knew she couldn’t even when she wanted to. For someone like her, it was hard to let her wall down. Attachments caused pain and it makes her lose her focus. It’s a distraction, and once you are distracted you’re easier to kill. The Black Widow doesn’t fear anything, that’s the talk of the town. Little did they know confronting her feelings was one of her greatest fear and enemy. So she resigned to the fact that she would be contented with whatever they had.
They tried seeing other people, but it didn’t work. Somehow the cosmos always does find a way to pull them back together. Tony would question them about why he frequently see Natasha exiting Steve's room at 5:00 a.m., and vice versa.
“Red, tell me. Are you and Capsicle dating?”
It became a routine for Tony to make both of them spill the real score every time he finished checking the surveillance.
“So Natalie, I didn’t know you have a thing for old men.”
Every time Tony would tease, Natasha would just roll her at him and glance at Steve. And Steve would just give her a smile.
To the eyes of the crowd, they were just friends,
buddies,
colleagues,
Workmates,
or
Teammates? Right. Teammates who sneak into each other’s comfort every night. Teammates who had seen each other naked. Teammates who continuously act like they could call each other mine.
She knew Steve tried to tell her what he felt.
“Nat, I lov—” He would always whisper it to her.
And she would respond with, “I know.”
She felt like an idiot. She is an idiot for being scared of those words that were about to come out from Steve’s lips. Hearing those three words from him sounds terrifying. Not because she didn’t love him back, but because she did. With all her heart and mind. It scared because she felt like she didn’t deserve all the love Steve could give her.
He was so good and Natasha loves him so much, it hurts. If Steve would ask her to run away and drop everything, she would. But Natasha knew that even if Steve would want that, they wouldn’t be complete. She couldn’t give him a child.
Steven Grant Rogers deserves the family he always dreamed of and Natasha couldn’t give that to him. The red room took that choice for her.
And for the years of circling around each other, every time Steve would try to open up the topic of getting married or settling down. Natasha was quick to shut it. She would insert a joke somewhere or would just stay quiet and give him a small smile.
One time when they were in the quinjet, on their way to German Alps for a mission. Steve sat beside Natasha, he waited for a few minutes before speaking up.
“Spit it out, Rogers.” Natasha knows Steve very well and even in silence, she could tell that there is something in his mind.
“What?”
“Come on, what’s bothering you?” She asked, squinting her brows. Giving him that suspicious look.
" Fine,” Steve sighed in defeat. “Nat, have you ever thought about settling down?”
His question caught Natasha off guard. She knew that this question would come somehow. But she wasn’t ready yet.
“Settling down? Is that even possible for us?” She joked, trying to push the topic.
“Nat, I’m serious.”
“Cap, 15 minutes ‘til landing,” Clint called out. Natasha, was, again saved by the bell.
“Go. We can talk about this later.” She lied, of course, she would never open this up again if it was up to her.
Before standing up Steve held her hand for seconds, he held it tightly and walked over to Clint.
She knows they are going to have that conversation someday. Will she ever be ready?
Being so-called heroes, they have a lot of responsibilities to carry. When the Avengers was divided, the thought of settling down wasn't at the top of Steve's priority for a while. How can he possibly consider stopping when they can't even stay in one place? When the Accords entered the picture, Natasha and Steve almost fell apart as well. Natasha wasn't on his side for the first time. The look on his face when Natasha agreed to Tony. He knew Natasha was a clever woman who could make her own decisions. It just felt strange to be on the other side of the table when you were supposed to be partners in everything. Despite Natasha being on Tony's side, Steve realized that what they had was stronger because at end of the day she came home to him. She was the first one to listen to him and understood his side.
The topic of retiring or settling down wasn’t stirred for so long but it only took years for the idea to resurface again. Everyone has their limits. Even the person you could call a saint because of his goodness has limits. And Natasha remembered clearly that one time where Steve reached his. The memory was pristine as the waters.
She was never prepared for it.
It was when they went to her apartment after cleaning up what was left of the compound. It was almost a month when the final battle with Thanos occurred. As they walked into her apartment, Natasha noticed how quiet Steve was. He never said a word on their way back. He sat at the edge of her bed, watching her undress and slip onto her loungewear.
“I’ll make some tea, do you want some?” She asked him.
He didn’t respond but he grabbed Nat’s arm and pulled her into a hug. She hugged him back, letting her arms wrap around him. She was so afraid that for the both of them during the battle. Natasha Romanoff wasn’t one to believe in saints, but every time they have to fight, she finds herself praying to one. Praying that they would listen and just spare Steve. Natasha’s embrace became tighter. She was holding on to him as if it was their last. But slowly Steve pulled himself off her latch.
Steve focused his gaze on her and said, “I want to retire, Nat.”
“What?” This was the day she dreaded.
“I said I want to retire. I want to settle down, with you.”
“Steve, let me make us some tea first then we’ll talk about this.” She was being a jerk.
“No, Natasha. I won’t let you avoid this conversation anymore.” His voice raised a little.
She knew this was it. The music to their endless dance would stop.
“S-Steve, I…” she swallowed hard before continuing. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what Nat?”
“I can’t do that Steve. I can’t give you what you want.” She muttered, her voice was quiet but still enough for him to hear it. Her eyes went down to the floor.
“All I want is you.” He tried to keep his voice firm but Nat knew that there was pain in it.
“You deserve the world, Steve and I just can’t give you that.” She repeated her point like a chant hoping he would get it.
She didn’t want to push him away. God, she wanted to say yes to his plans but she could never be selfish. Not with him.
“I don’t care if you can’t give me the world Nat or any fucking planet in the universe. I’m happy with you." Steve lifted her chin slowly, and their eyes met.
The blue that once filled with skies are now oceans of tears threatening to pour. And the green that pierced bravery, was covered with fear.
Natasha removed his hand away and stepped back. “Steve, you are not listening to me.”
“What is there for me to understand Nat? I know you’re scared but —”
She cut him off, and her voice became louder. “Steve just stop. Listen to me. I can’t give you what you want! Don’t you get it? I am not someone you settle down with. I understand you want a family but I am not…” I am not capable of giving you a child Steve. We could never be a home.
She didn’t finish as her voice cracked and the tears in her eyes fell.
“No, you don’t understand Nat. I want to have a family with you. You have to trust me on this.”
“Steve, we are wasting our time.” You were never a waste of time for me. God, it hurt her as much as it hurt him to hear all of these things.
“What? How could this be…Natasha tell me honestly. Do you even love me?” There is it was. He finally asked her. “Because you never said back Nat and I was okay with that. I was okay with what we had because we had the fucking world to save."
Yes. I did. I love you so much, it hurts every inch of my soul.
I love you so much, Steven Grant Rogers.
And out of all the millions of ways, she could say how she truly feels, Natasha put on a mask again. She turned her gaze to the picture of them on her bedside table as the greatest lie she ever told spilled down her mouth like poison, “No.”
To her peripheral view, she could see Steve’s jaw tightened, the sadness in his look turned into anger. This was the moment where evenly a saintly person like Steve could reach the peak of his limits. He clenched his fist and slowly took a step back.
“Stop lying.” He said, this time his voice was calm.
“You know I’m not.” She argued.
“11 years? We fucked, we made love, we fucking spent those years together. We know every inch of each other and you say you didn’t love me?”
“So what Rogers? We fucked for 11 years because we were too busy to have our own lives and now you think that it would just work out like you wanted?” More lies, more cover-up.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Ugh, there you go again, believing that everyone is good as you! We just used each other.”
Steve collapsed on her bed, he sat down and ran his fingers through his hair. Still in disbelief of what Natasha was saying. Of what the love of his life was saying.
“Face it, Rogers. I’m doing us both a favor. You can’t be happy with me.” She sobbed.
He didn’t reply. He just kept his head down and let his tears flow. Natasha would pay for this and if hell is the consequence so be it.
“So is that it?” Finally, he spoke.
“Yes.” Another lies. If Natasha could list down all the lies she said this night, she could be an author of a 100 pages book.
Steve stood up and walked past her, and grabbed the knob of the door. Before twisting it to open, he said his last words to her. "Good to know then. I'm done here, Romanoff."
Steve never returned after walking out that door. She couldn't blame him for not coming back, she pushed him away.
And the day following their last fight, Natasha packed her things and boarded the first flight to London. She left no messages or traces of her whereabouts. All she wanted was to get away as quickly as possible since she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself if she saw Steve again. She'll give in, which she can't do.
She contacted Fury six months after moving in. She requested for missions to keep herself occupied. Any assignments she can get her hands on as long as she won't be able to sense the deafening silence of being alone again. She was used to being alone until she met her so-called family and fell in love with Steve. But now, every time she woke up in her bed, she could feel the cold empty space next to hers. And there were moments when she would stare at her phone, then she'd pick it up, and dial his number but couldn't bring herself to call. She also had emails and letters addressed to him that she had never sent.
When Natasha asked Fury for missions, she asked him not to disclose her location or what she’s doing to any of them. Fury wasn’t one to pry when it’s a personal matter. He respected what she asked for. Natasha Romanoff lived a different life again, a different name, a different person. Sure, she miss home but would there still be a home to come back to?
Two years had passed and it’s the same routine for her. Natasha has just returned from a mission. She dropped on her bed and closed her eyes for a few moments, exhausted. Seconds later, she stood up and proceeded carefully to the door frame of her room after sensing a presence in her flat other than hers. She noticed a shadow lurking, a tall figure. The shadow advanced towards her, she activated her widow bites instantly and she’s ready to attack.
“I won’t do that if I were you.” To her surprise, it was Nick Fury. Well, not really to her surprise because she knew Fury likes to make entrances like that.
“Spies don’t really know how to knock do they?” She smiled, lowering her arm.
“You tell me, you’re a spy too. One of the best as I remember. A spy turned avenger.” Avenger, that word she hasn’t been able to hear someone say from the last two years. She is aware that Steve is leading them but that’s all she knew.
Natasha walked over to her kitchen and opened the fridge. “You want anything?”
“I’m not here to have some tea, Romanoff.”
“Clearly.” She rolled her eyes. Since when did Nick Fury ever come to visit just to have some tea? Never. For sure, he must have something important to tell her. It can’t just be a visit. She grabbed a bottle of water opened it and turned to face him.
“Did something happen with the mission?” She asked.
“No, as always you did your job quite well.” He replied, Natasha, saw that there was an envelope in his hand. It’s not a mission case file, it’s just a plain white envelope.
“Then what is it, Sir?”
“Mrs. Barton, contacted me last week. She felt like I knew where you were and asked me to give this to you.” He handed her the envelope.
It’s from Laura, she never saw her after Tony’s funeral. She was supposed to visit them every week but then she left without any messages not even for them.
“You know, Romanoff. I don’t do favors for anyone if it’s not a life or death situation.”
“I know, thank you for this.”
“It’s been two years, don’t you think it’s time to come home?” This time Fury’s voice sounded concerned. His usual tone disappeared, it’s rare. “It’s Clint Barton’s 2nd death anniversary next week, so is Stark’s.”
How could she have forgotten? Because she was there, she was reminded of it almost every day. She was about to jump, but Clint beat her to it. Before letting go, he told Natasha to tell his family how much he loved them. In beginning, Clint spared her life. She gave him a chance, a choice, and even on the last day of his life, he still chose to spare hers. Natasha would forever be grateful to him.
She smiled at the memory of her best friend if he was alive. He would be the one to drag Natasha back to the States and smack some sense into her. He would stand by her no matter what as she would do to him as well.
“We’ll be leaving tomorrow back to the States. If you want to come you where to find us.”
Natasha just nodded and with that Fury left.
Natasha was awake on her bed as the night progressed. For nearly an hour, she had been staring at the same white wall. She took a look at the envelope Fury had delivered earlier. The letter from Laura. Natasha sat up and reached for it. She opened the envelope, it contained a short letter from Laura and a drawing from Lila. The kid is getting good at it. Her drawing had a short letter too saying, “We miss you, Auntie Nat.”
That made her heart so happy. She treated Clint and Laura’s kids as her own because she knew she could never have her own. Natasha promised herself to be the best auntie they would ever have.
The letter from Laura said:
Dear Natasha,
I hope everything is going well for you wherever you are. I'm sorry if I haven't reached out to you in past years; I'd like to, but I'm not sure how. When Steve mentioned Nick Fury to me, it clicked. Maybe Fury knows. So, if you ever receive this letter, please know how much we miss you.
Next week marks the 2nd anniversary of Clint and Tony's deaths. We always try to remember and respect them by hosting a little dinner in their honor. It was truly Pepper's idea. If you are ever planning to come by, we will be at the cemetery before going up to the Starks’ cabin.
Nat, I hope you can make it. Please.
Always,
Laura.
After reading the note, Natasha found herself packing her clothes and dialing Fury’s number. Not for a mission but this time to come home.