Chapter Text
I loved you. I loved everything about you. I loved you. Sometimes I still think I do. I think if you walked in right now begging me back I would go. I would go back to you Seungjin. I would give up my pride and go right back. It scares me that I’m so sure I would go back after everything. After every time you hurt me. After every time you decided I wasn’t good enough. After every time I was just a pretty boy who you didn’t truly love. I’d still go back to you. I did everything to try to become the one you would like and I still failed. I still failed to be him. Why him? Why Yongso? Why is he better than me? Why do you love him and not me? I changed my style. I changed my hair. I changed my attitude. I changed my personality. I changed it all for you. Can't you see I did it all for you Seungjin. Why can’t you love me? Why can’t you pick me? I thought if I changed everything about myself you would pick me. I was wrong. Now I don’t know who I am. Don’t know what I like. I could tell you everything Seungjin likes, his favorite restaurants, foods, what temperature he liked the house, favorite shows, favorite clothes, everything. I don’t know what I like. I do know what I don’t like though. I don’t like this red hair. I don’t like these clothes. I don’t like these muscles. I don’t like this personality. I don’t like who I have become. I don’t like the person staring back at me in the mirror. He’s so foreign to me now. Someone who maybe exists in another universe, but shouldn’t in this one. I don’t like this Yeonjun. I miss the old me. I miss my pink hair. I miss the silly comebacks. I miss watching movies in my freetime. I miss college. I miss having friends. I miss feeling happy. I miss my old attire. I miss my old apartment. Speaking of apartments, as bad as it sounds and as many bad memories as I have here I’ll miss the apartment. Will miss the clean white sheets and waking up next to him when he was home. I never really liked waking up alone. I’ll miss it always being clean because Seungjin couldn’t stand the mess even if he yelled and scared me to make sure I always cleaned it. I’ll miss the quiet sound of the city as I drift to sleep. I don’t think I’ll miss the fights though. Won’t miss the glass vases flying at my head. Won't miss the heated yelling. Won’t miss always apologizing when I did nothing wrong. Won’t miss holding back my tears until he was gone. Won’t miss the burning cheeks and forming bruises. Won’t miss begging over text for him to come home and that I was in the wrong. Won’t miss wondering where he was and hoping he could forgive me.
The boy looked at himself in the mirror wondering who the hell this even was. Seungjin had told him he had a bit to figure out where to go and move out, but he wanted out as soon as possible. The boy couldn’t stay here. The memories of everything good and bad were vicious. Luckily he wasn’t fully alone. Yeonjun had moved to Seoul with Seungjin two years ago after they had been dating for a year. Yeonjun didn’t know when it all went wrong, but it did. The only good thing was Yeonjun had one friend in Seoul who told him he had an extra room he was willing to let Yeonjun stay in until he could get his feet on the ground, or however long he needed. So this was it. After three years of dating Yeonjun was single again. How could he tell his mom? She loved Seungjin and was so sure the pair would get married, but plans changed. With a sigh the boy tied back his long red mullet, the one thing he kept was his mullet he enjoyed the long hair, and got to work packing up his things. Living in one space for two years is such a long time. How was he meant to get this all together to move out?
After hours of packing the boy was done. Sure he had left some stuff, but some things were just better left there. Setting his key under the mat he locked the door carrying his last box down. The small car barely fit all of his things. Luckily moving wouldn’t be so alone once he got there because Hueningkai, his new roommate, would gladly help him with his friends. The drive took around 15 minutes and he called the boy.
“Hi Yeonjunnie!!”
“Hi Ning, I’m here in the parking garage on the 2nd floor, I’ll stand by my car. It's white you can’t miss me with my red hair.”
“Okay!!! We will head there now! Don’t worry if we have to make a few trips!”
“Got it.”
Yeonjun felt drained. He knows it’s mean, but he’s become a bit quiet and tonight he felt like shattering into a million pieces and crying himself to sleep. He couldn’t do that now. He had to stay strong even with the stinging pain in his chest. Yeonjun had never been alone in Seoul; it was their city. The city that Seungjin and him planned to conquer, but that was all crumbled now. Everything he knew and everywhere he went in Seoul was connected to Seungjin. The yelling of a tall boy racing through the garage brought Yeonjun back to the present. He saw a head of bright mint hair running at him full speed with a group of guys he didn’t recognize following.
“Jun!!! HI!!!”
That kid couldn’t help but make Yeonjun smile.
“Hi Ning.”
The tall boy didn’t hesitate to launch himself into Yeonjun’s arms for a tight hug.
“I missed you Jun. I haven't seen you in soooooo long, but we can catch up once we get you moved in!! Oh right these are my friends! Jaemin, Jisung, Chenle, and Soobin!”
“Uh hi, nice to meet you all. The car is kind of full, but I think it won’t take more than two trips maybe. I don’t have too much.”
The group got to work carrying boxes inside. Two trips was the right number with the six of them. Yeonjun felt lucky having the help of the group. There was still a lot he had to unpack and do, but Yeonjun was so exhausted emotionally and physically. The guys eventually left and he was alone with his roommate.
“Hi Jun, listen we don’t have to talk tonight, but we should talk sometime about what happened. I don’t want to push and just know that I won’t push you to tell me about everything. I just want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. I know it’s hard Jun, but when you’re ready I’m here for you.”
“Thank you Ning. Thank you for letting me move in and thank you for everything. Honestly we haven’t talked in so long and you’re really the only person I know in Seoul you were my only hope. I’m sorry we stopped talking. Life got really busy and crazy and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize Jun, it’s okay! I understand life getting crazy. You should rest, you've had a long day! I’ll let you sleep and settle in!”
The small boy closed the door and Yeonjun settled into his bed.
The world was cruel and unfair. How could Seungjin just leave me after three years for a college kid he met six months ago in a coffee shop? Actually Seungjin was getting coffee for Yeonjun when he ran into the infamous Yongso. The pair hit it off so well and Yeonjun felt secure in his relationship enough to not mind Seungjin having other friends. At first he thought it was a genuine good thing that Seungjin had a friend, but as time passed things got bad. Yeonjun kept accusing Seungjin of cheating on him because he refused to let him meet this Yongso only showing him a picture of the boy to prove he existed, causing more fights to break out. Yeonjun always felt so bad when he apologized to Seungjin for the accusations that turned out to be true the whole time. Seungjin had been cheating on him for almost 5 months with Yongso. His excuses were terrible. He said he had tried to leave, but Yeonjun never let him. He said he wanted to leave, but Yeonjun was so pathetic he felt bad when he did. He said Yeonjun should have known and broke it off when he kissed Yongso in front of the building and Yeonjun saw from the balcony, but Yeonjun wanted to save them. He knew he was being cheated on but the last straw was on the one day Yeonjun left the apartment to go grocery shopping and get his haircut a bit, and he came home to Seungjin ushering him out while Yongso took a shower in their bathroom, he had gotten off work and come to their apartment for a date. The picture frames were all stacked in drawers and any sign that Yeonjun existed was gone. Yeonjun freaked out, he begged Seungjin to stay with him. He promised to pretend this never happened if he just stopped it and stayed, but he didn’t. He told Yeonjun to leave the apartment and come back later when he called to discuss things as he had interrupted their plans. Yeonjun agreed, even apologizing for the interruption. How stupid. He sat at a park for the next few hours until finally he was welcomed back. He felt humiliated standing in front of him. That’s when he found out it had been 5 months and Seungjin was done with Yeonjun. Seungjin was going to stay at Yongso’s while Yeonjun packed. The boy nodded and crumbled to the floor sobbing when the front door closed. All for nothing. Yeonjun laid in his bed and cried into his pillow. He hated that he loved a man so terrible to him, but he couldn’t help it. He needed a change and quickly. Before he went crazy.
Yeonjun woke up and stared forward. He felt so empty inside. He hated this feeling. He didn’t want to move though. He wanted to sit in his sadness and let it wash over him. He would be strong, but he deserved a day to feel the pain. He laid for hours until it was mid afternoon and the front door closed. There was a knock and he turned over to look at the door.
“Yes?”
His voice was soft and he felt embarrassed by it. The door opened and he expected to see Kai, but saw the tall boy from yesterday.
“Hi Yeonjun.”
“U-uh w-what?”
“Sorry Kai had to go straight to work after class but wanted me to check up on you. Can I come in?”
“Uh sure.”
Yeonjun wiped his eyes as the boy shut the door letting darkness fall on the room again, give the cracked blinds. He sat on the bed and Yeonjun watched him.
“How do you feel?”
“Uh okay.”
“You can be honest, Yeonjun. It’s okay.”
“I’m sure you’re amazing Soobin, but I don’t know you.”
“I know, but Ning trusted me enough for me to come and check on you when he assumed you wouldn’t be doing well. You can talk to me. I don’t know your ex so I don’t know the whole story but what I do know is horrible and you deserve so much more.”
Yeonjun broke. He couldn’t hold the tears back. Soobin wrapped his arms around him as Yeonjun cried.
“I-I’m sorry I-I’m so sorry I-I’ll stop.”
“No, don’t. You deserve to let it all go. It’s okay to cry.”
Was it really okay? Seungjin always said Yeonjun was guilt tripping him when he cried, so he would hold it in until he was alone. He hadn’t cried in front of someone in so long. Yeonjun shook and Soobin petted his hair.
“I don’t know your reservations, but it’s safe, Yeonjun. It’s safe to cry and let your emotions go.”
Yeonjun gripped his shirt tighter as he cried into his chest. He let sobs wrack his small body. Soobin just held him and rubbed circles into his back. He whispered softly things like “it’s okay” and “you can let it all out.” Yeonjun felt bad for sobbing but his heart hurt so badly.
“I-it hurts. I-I-is it supposed t-to physically h-hurt?”
“Yeah it can, how long were you two together?”
“Three years. I-I gave u-up my life a-and moved to Seoul b-because of him two y-years ago. E-everything I know here I-is because of him. I-I don’t e-even know…no I-I’m sorry I-I shouldn’t.”
“Yeonjun I’m not telling you to tell me everything, but if you want to say something you can. This is your new home and I don’t know why you feel like you need to keep it all inside, but I promise you don’t and it’s okay to let it out.”
“I-I just…I don’t even know myself anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I-I uh..I changed a lot for him. I w-wanted to save us, so I changed into w-what he likes, but I-I don’t know who I am anymore I-I feel like I lost m-myself. The only thing I kept that was me was my mullet e-everything else it’s what he wanted. The muscles he liked, the red hair he liked, the athletic wear he liked. I-I don’t know what I liked before. I was never super masculine in that sense, but I-I did what I had to do to save us and I-I failed. This isn’t m-me. I m-miss my pink hair, I miss being thin, I miss wearing what I-I like. I-I think I hate myself so badly now because this isn’t me.”
“Hey it’s okay, it’s okay. You just need to heal and find yourself again, Yeonjun.”
“I-I’m scared what if he’s gone? What if I’m all gone! I’m scared because if he came here right now and begged me back I think I-I would go. I’m weak and still in love with him and I hate myself for loving him so deeply when he doesn’t love me. I hate myself for being jealous of the man who he now lies with because that was my place. I hate myself for wanting to be him. I changed everything to be like him so that Seungjin would love me and yet he still doesn’t! What’s wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? Why? Why do I wish he would walk in and tell me it was all a cruel joke and take me home and cuddle up with me while watching a movie when I know that reality doesn’t exist? He didn’t truly love me and I keep begging for a world where he does and it doesn’t exist! I hate myself for wanting him back. It hurts so badly. It hurts so badly I’m sobbing to practically a stranger.”
“It’s okay Yeonjun.”
“It’s not!”
“And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s not okay. It’s okay to not be okay, but don’t keep it inside and suffer alone Yeonjun. I may be practically a stranger, but I’m here for you.”
“T-thank you. I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Here lay down.”
Yeonjun gripped his shirt tightly with wide wet eyes.
“I’m not leaving. Don’t worry.”
Soobin felt safe. It was scary but he felt safe. Yeonjun needed that feeling right now. Yeonjun laid back as the boy pushed his coat off and got into the bed. He laid next to Yeonjun and he patted his chest.
“Come here Yeonjun.”
The boy moved over and laid close to Soobin.
“Are you comfortable with me touching you?”
“Y-yes.”
“Okay come here.”
Soobin helped pull Yeonjun close until the boy was resting his head on Soobin’s chest.
“Here you can cry and I can rub your back.”
“Y-you don't have to.”
“You look exhausted, Yeonjun, let me help.”
“O-okay.”
Soobin rubbed the boy’s back as he cried softly.
Soobin heard the front door open and close and heard footsteps. He looked up as Kai appeared in the doorway. He looked at the pair with wide eyes. Yeonjun was fast asleep with his face on Soobin’s chest. Huening decided to whisper.
“Soobin?”
“He was crying really really badly and looked so tired. I had to help him. After crying for a while I figured he was just going to need to cry himself to sleep and he did. How much do you know of their relationship?”
“Not a lot. Yeonjun kept it pretty quiet other than social media posts. All I know is that he cheated on Yeonjun, so they broke up. I don’t know. Jun made it out to be a one time thing, but he needed space.”
“Well that definitely isn’t true.”
“What?”
“Sounds like he knew for a while he was being cheated on. He said he changed himself to be What Seungjin liked but it didn’t work.”
“Oh. Oh wow.”
“Yeah he’s hurting a lot. I’m going to stay. I promised I would.”
“Are you sure hyung? Don’t you have homework?”
“It’ll be fine. I’ll get it done. Just…I don’t know I feel like I need to be here for him. He needs someone and I can be that someone. He wants to put up a strong face so badly, but I can see through it.”
“Okay hyung, I’ll be in the living room doing some work, so I’ll close the door.”
“Thank you Kai.”
Yeonjun woke up warm. For the first time in years he was warm from someone’s arms. He pushed closed as he groaned. The room was dark give a small light from the bathroom. He then realized he was being held by someone and he was moving up and down by someone’s breathing. He opened his eyes and looked up. It was Soobin. The boy was fast asleep as he held Yeonjun. He felt bad, had he kept the boy there because he had fallen asleep? He didn’t want to wake him, but he also didn’t want to waste anymore of his time.
“Soobin.”
He tapped the boy softly.
“Soobin-ah.”
“Hm?”
The boys voice was deep and groggy.
“Uh I-I’m sorry I fell asleep, you uh probably want to go home.”
“Hm? What time is it?”
“Oh uh, let me check.”
Yeonjun looked over the boy and then felt horrible waking him up.
“4:23 am.”
“Oh. Go back to sleep Yeonjun. I’ll just stay the night. It’s fine. I sleep over at Ning’s sometimes so it’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Mhm.”
Soobin hasn’t opened his eyes yet and held the boy closer as he fell back asleep.
Soobin woke up and opened his eyes to red fluffy hair. He realized he was still holding Yeonjun and grabbed his phone. He saw the time and shook the boy lightly.
“Yeonjun.”
“Soobin?”
“I have to go I have class.”
“Oh! So sorry uh you can borrow something uh I have, uh you can look in the closet.”
The boy sat up barely able to open his eyes with the cutest pout and Soobin felt his heart do a flip. The boy was going through a horrible break up he should not have felt that. He stood and walked to the boys closet and took a sweatshirt and matching sweatpants and held them up.
“Can I?”
“Yeah!”
“I’ll wash them and bring them back.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
Soobin stepped into the bathroom and changed quickly before walking out and pushing his clothes into his backpack and petting the boys hair.
“Try to drink and eat something and maybe go for a walk. Vitamin D is good for you.”
“Okay I will.”
Yeonjun grabbed the boys hand on top of his head and Soobin squeezed his hand lightly before pulling away and walking to the door. He pulled his shoes on and left.