Chapter Text
‘natalia’
‘im fine’
‘you’re bleeding’
‘what’s new’
Nat sighed and, ducking a gentle hand, pressed hers to a cut on her temple, making her palm sticky with blood
‘natal-’
‘I’m FINE JAMES’
The retort was sharp as a blade and a heavy silence hung through the air. She didn’t look up.
‘if they catch you talking to me outside of training, if they catch you conscious of any part of who you are-‘ she muttered
‘they’ll beat the crap out of me’
She struggled and tried to push him away but he took her hand and held on
‘natalia for god’s sake let yourself feel something you just kill-‘
‘I KNOW’
She fought back tears, her throat constricting painfully
‘I did what I had to do james’
‘you couldn’t even look at her’
‘I did….what I had to do’ she locked her jaw and sniffed
‘pain only makes us stronger’
‘not this kind of pain.’
She slid her hand out of his grasp and turned to place her hands gently on the windowsill, leaving a sticky rust coloured hand print. Her breath fogged up the glass and she wiped it away with her forearm with a squeaking noise. She touched her forehead to the glass, the cool pressure calming her.
‘I know you loved her’
He had stayed silent long enough to allow her to regain some composure but not a second longer.
‘no I didn’t’ her response was quiet, half hearted.
‘natasha I’m 83. I know love when I see it’
She scoffed
‘bullshit. You’re 25 james you’re only ten years older than me and the only love you know is for Steve Rogers’
He swallowed down the cutting remark
‘I still saw it’
There was a long silence
‘she told me to do it’
‘what?’ his brow creased and he pushed himself off from the wall where he had been leaning
‘she said..’ nat’s jaw began to tremble but she breathed in deeply and looked at her hands
‘she told me if we had to fight eachother, if we had to kill’
She closed her eyes, rocking slowly back and forth, her hands worrying at eachother
‘she said to kill her. She said she was scared of turning into a monster she couldn’t cope she wanted to be free’ she gushed and took a breath. A solitary tear rolled down the curve of her cheek
‘she said she knew I would be able to cope to get out, but she said she needed to be set free not just from this place but from the memories’
Another tear gathered on her lower lid and the first dropped from her chin to be lost in the folds of her clothes
‘she told me not to look at her james she said she needed me to remember her alive not as an empty shell’
‘it’s ok to be sad natalia you’re still human’
One corner of her mouth jerked up and she shook her head and shrugged
‘am I though?’ she sighed
‘because right now if anything I’m jealous of her. I’m jealous that she got out. Im jealous that she’s at peace but under that I’m just a tiny bit happy that I managed to give her that as painlessly as I could so no I’m not sad’
She turned finally from the window and accepted his hug without resistance
‘one day I’m going to burn Dreykov and this whole place to the ground’ she whispered into his shirt
‘and we’ll wipe out the red in our ledgers’ he replied, speaking into the top of her head.
He was short but still a good head taller than her and left an arm around her shoulders as she leaned her head against his.
‘am I ever going to get out of here james? Really?’
‘I don’t know’
She looked up at him
‘I don’t know if I will I have even less chance than you because of the brainwashing’
A tear escaped his eye now
‘every night my mind ripped away from me, steve, you, Brooklyn, everything gone’
She looked up at him, his pain reflected in her moonlit face
‘but I damn well hope we will’ he muttered, allowing a small, tight smile.
‘we will’ she whispered
‘we’ll get out’