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The first thing he thinks when he wakes up is ‘I’m alive’. A feeling of relief rushes through him at that thought.
It disappears quickly when he realizes he’s strapped to a table.
The relief turns into fear and as he becomes more aware it turns into hunger. An ever present ache in his stomach and it’s not going away and Seidou is scared. Terrified. He doesn’t understand where is he, why is he here, why is he hungry, why is he hungry why is he hungry why is he hungry
When the doctor walks in he wants to cower. He wants to ask him why this is happening, where is he, where is everyone else but the minute he breaths in to ask what’s happening he breaths in the smell… oh god the smell. It’s delicious, it’s overpowering. Like his favorite home cooked meal from when he was a kid. Like the cake he got from his mother from when he first joined the CCG. It’s delicious and he wants wants wants wants it. He snaps at the doctor, trying to rip out from the table. Im so hungry so hungry so hungry-
“Hello Takizawa,” The doctor tells him calmly (too calmly what’s going on whats going on), “Let’s get started shall we?”
He learns later that he was turned into a half ghoul. A monster. A mutant. He’s not human any more he’s not even a ghoul, he’s neither, he’s a monster, a terrible terrible thing.
The little ghoul girl tells him of his future quite calmly. That no one is coming for him. His family thinks he is dead. He works for them now.
He spits in her face.
They start cutting off his fingers the next day.
The doctor says they are testing his healing ability. To see if its the same as the other half ghoul he made. He doesn’t know who they are talking about and he doesn’t care to know he just wants them to stop it hurts make it stop please stop PLEASE STOP.
He stopped counting how many fingers he lost after the 3rd week.
His hair is white at the roots now. He knows this because doctor pointed it out in a satisfied tone when he was putting the needle through his eye.
Then he goes back to testing his tongue’s ability to heal after being burned.
He just wanted to live he just wanted to live he just wanted to live
The ghoul girl tells him to eat. That if he doesn’t he won’t heal as fast. A part of him is telling him not too, that it will make him into a true monster. He can’t eat that he shouldn’t eat that. But that part is growing smaller every day. He’s hungry so hungry he just wants meat meat meat he just wants to eat why cant he eat im so hungry give it to me give it to me please
He stops counting how long its been after the 3rd month.
The ghoul girl calls him Takizawa and it takes him a few minutes to remember thats him.
The doctor mentions the CCG and a voice in his head says ‘you were there once weren’t you?’
He can’t remember it.
He wonders if Akira and the others remember him. He forgets who they are sometimes.
Time seems to have stopped working right. He dreams he’s in the academy taking a test and then he wakes up and he’s watching his stomach stitch itself back together.
He’s waiting to be fed and it feels like its been so long so so so so so so very long since he last ate but the doctor mentions it’s only been a week.
He starts to realize the ghoul girl’s name is Eto. He realizes he doesn’t care.
Eto tells him they will let him out soon. They have a mission for him. She promises to feed him if he succeeds. And no experiments for a week.
His mother once told him that she was proud of him for getting top marks in all his classes. She told him she would buy him his favorite meal for it.
He doesn’t remember much about the mission afterwards. Only that there was a lot of screaming. He doesn’t know if it was the others or him. He doesn’t know how many he killed.
He doesn’t care.
When he’s back in his room cell prison hell a part of him is wondering why he didn’t run. A quiet tiny voice is whispering ‘you could have left why didn’t you leave you could have gone back to the CCG you could have gone back home’
Another part of him realizes that there is no reason to go back there. They’d hate him. They’d be disgusted by him. He isn’t who he used to be he isn’t Takizawa Seidou anymore he’s just a tool, a half ghoul, an experiment. His mother wouldn’t want him anymore. The CCG would kill him. He has nothing left.
It’s been two years.
His hair is in his eyes and its white and matted and didn’t he have brown hair wasn’t it brown why isn’t it brown
He’s still hungry. That never changes.
The experiments are continuing.
He stops feeling the pain in his eye where the needle goes through.
He doesn’t remember being human anymore.
He goes on missions and all he knows is that there is blood everywhere and he gets fed when he comes back and there are no experiments and thats nice.
He’s still hungry.
One day he sees himself in a mirror and he can’t tell who it is.
He doesn’t feel scared or horrified.
He just feels empty. And hungry.
They’re sending him on a mission. Eto wants him to grab someone for them. He doesn’t care he doesn’t care he hasn’t eaten in 4 months he’s hungry he’s so hungry so so hungry hungry HUNGRY
“HURRY UP I’M STARVING!”