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So he was a little naughty. He had the right to be. A fifth archivist of his house deserved better than to be a stooge and drug mule for a psychotic manchild like Kal-Il.
Which means he gets his revenge where and when he can. Little things.
And now, during a season that ancient records said was a time for the people of Earth to, a-hem, ‘treat yoself,’ Archive 5 did what he could.
“And you’re sure he’ll be okay, Archie?”
Satan how he hated that nickname. How much he wanted to tell Kala and her satandamned cousin not to use that name.
“Yes, Ultragirl,” Archive promised. “My scans indicate there is nothing lethal to your cousin on that asteroid. He’s free to plunder as he wishes.”
Nothing lethal. But still a surprise or two.
While Ultraman kept Archive 5 alive to create synthetic green kryptonite for him, Archive had never told him about all the OTHER kinds of kryptonite out there in the universe. The scans of the asteroid showed it was pretty much littered with a specific kind of kryptonite that wouldn’t kill his, ugh, owner. But records show this was a particularly volatile type of kryptonite which made wild, unpredictable changes in a Kryptonian’s physical form. Anything could happen.
Sadly, the changes were temporary, but let an archivist have his fun.
…
“Stop laughing! STOP LAUGHING!”
It was impossible not to hear the uproarious mocking throughout the Syndicate’s moonbase. Archive did his best to keep his expression neutral as he entered the room to find Superwoman, Johnny Quick, Power Ring, even Owlman, howling with glee at the sight of their ruthless leader.
That is, draped over his chair like a piece of paper, uselessly flapping his two-dimensional arms around.
“May I be of assistance?” Archive inquired.
“YOU!” Ultraman screamed, trying to raise his head. “I CAN’T SEE YOU BUT I KNOW YOU’RE THERE, YOU GREEN BASTARD! YOU TOLD ME THAT ASTEROID WAS HARMLESS!”
“Correction: I warned you the asteroid wasn’t lethal. No substance on it could kill you. If you’ll check your comm, you’ll note I sent a time-stamped message warning of unknown chemical substances.”
Which he knew for a fact Ultraman did not read because Ultraman never read them.
“OWLMAN YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Ultraman now directed his attention to his teammate. “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?! WHEN I TURN BACK TO NORMAL I’M GONNA-“
Archive left the room without bothering to hear the rest. Even in that state, he figured Ultraman was still invulnerable and thus unlikely to be harmed by his teammates. They’d settle for the blow to his ego.
And speaking of egos.
“Archie?”
Dear Satan, what was that noise? It sounded like-
“I-I don’t feel good.”
Archive’s neutrality vanished when he saw a quivering mass of organs sitting upright in a chair in his lab. It beckoned to him.
“I-I went with Kal to that asteroid to see what goodies they had. H-he said I could have a present for myself.” The organ mass got up and moved towards him. “He wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong. I-is there something wrong with me?”
Archive had to keep telling himself it’s just temporary as he slowly reached towards the walking pile of organs that had once been on the inside of his mate and took her inverted hand.
“You look a bit pale, my dear. Here, let me get you to bed.”
“Oh. Good.” The figure wheezed. “What would I do without you?”