Archive of Our Own

jisung was stressed.

he had to transfer colleges after moving out of his hometown, and the process of getting used to his new life wasn’t easy. professors, students, classrooms — everything seemed off, too unusual for shy and anxious jisung, who barely navigated comfortably the places he already knew.

on top of that, he had a psychology exam upcoming. and freud sucks.

the final exam was on beyond the pleasure principle, an essay written by freud that required jisung to dedicate some nights to study the theories presented in it. on thursday, a week before the exam, he decided to start reading it.

there was enough time to start summarizing the first chapters before it was too late to go to bed, and minho, his roommate, wouldn’t be home until late at night. minho’s dance team was holding a show next week, hence their practices would finish at midnight the earliest.

jisung would worry, of course. minho was dear to him - he had gained a special place in his heart since he moved to seoul. minho had been nothing but a comforting presence between all the chaos and the changes in his life. another thing minho was was a perfectionist, putting hard work into his dancing to the point he forgot he also needed rest.

“hyung, going to practice until midnight when you have another class at seven in the morning is not healthy!” jisung would whine, pouting. he would even flutter his eyelashes, with the knowledge that it would make minho come home earlier.

most of the time, it worked. minho had promised jisung they would take things easy and slow together. jisung kept that promise close to his heart, smiling every time he remembered minho’s hands holding his as he spoke those words. it was late at night, in the darkness of their shared apartment, but the warmth and light in minho’s eyes made him feel as if the sun was shining over him.

minho was, still, just his best friend. his companion and his roommate. however, he found himself feeling the world stop for a brief second every time minho smiled. warmth and comfort would wash over jisung — and when someone is used to the anxiety crawling over every day, safety is a sentiment that is not easy to find.

his mind would wander to minho and keep inside the feelings he caused jisung more times than he admitted, and for longer each time. this time, his thoughts only got interrupted when soonie jumped over jisung’s notebook.

“oh. the book.” the interruption served as a reminder that he was supposed to be studying.
minho had three cats - soonie, doongie and dori. they had accepted jisung in the apartment very easily. maybe it was because he would let them nap on his notebooks and buy them tuna treats.

the reason minho gave was one that made him blush. he said it’s because jisung has a good aura, that his energy is as sweet as him, and cats immediately know when someone is a good person and a good company.

he hoped minho would feel the same way the cats did.

the book he had to read was still in his hands. taking notes was not a possibility as he wouldn’t disturb soonie from their notebook nap. instead, he figured he should keep reading. soonie would keep his company and help him keep focused. hopefully, his thoughts wouldn’t shift to minho anymore.

-

the recurrence of nightmares was one of the first indicators that freud listed as a sign that there was something more than just the seek of pleasure. why would anyone recall their traumatic events again and again in their dream life?

that question was one of the triggers for writing beyond the pleasure principle. there has to be something more than the psychic apparatus trying to avoid every hurtful episode by being regulated and having an affinity towards the pleasure principle.

if there wasn’t something beyond it, jisung wouldn’t have to endure the same nightmare over and over.

-

jisung jolted awake. the pain he experienced inside his nightmare made him wail, loud enough to make soonie leave the room out of the sudden, loud disturbance.

it was just a dream. the same one, again. the darkness and loneliness of the room caused another ache inside his chest, his sobbing becoming uncontrollable.

but then, he saw minho.

minho was standing at the door, having been awakened just because of the loud noises coming from jisung’s room — it was noticeable on the half-lidded eyes, the bed hair, the way he only got one slipper on. even in his drowsy demeanour and the darkness of the room, jisung could detect on his face something that could be interpreted as concern.

“is it the same dream again?” minho mumbled. his voice was quiet, almost inaudible, as to not break the silence of the night time. jisung nodded, slowly. “is it okay?” he asked.

jisung nodded again. he knew what minho was asking, it was a question he asked every time. minho never judged jisung for the nights when sleeping was too hard, for the days where leaving the apartment was too daunting, for the times they spent together with jisung in complete silence.

minho would always hold him the same way. he got on the bed, and hugged him. he held him slowly, as if he was scared jisung would break. jisung knew minho was just giving him time to get comfortable with the gentle touches and the warm embrace.

“you didn’t come home too late, did you?” jisung said between sobs. “i’m sorry for waking you up. the book was scary.”

minho held him a bit tighter. “you know it’s okay, sungie. i want to be here for you.” he caressed his cheek with endless tenderness, drying his tears. “we are safe now.”

no matter which hardships they had to go through, coming back to each other would always bring them ease. embracing each other on jisung’s bed, he was able to see the night sky from their window. the full moon shone brightly in the sky.

but jisung still thought the one who shined the brightest was minho.

-

even without opening his eyes, jisung could sense that minho’s face was just a few inches away from his. the warmth of his breath so near to his cheeks made them turn red, suddenly a bit embarrassed. in his half-awake state, he could realize there was not much space separating the two of them.

it wasn’t the first time they had cuddled. there had been plenty of nights that they spent in each other’s arms, sharing their bed and their dreams. it had always felt like home — not even a pinch of discomfort in either of the boys. however, this time jisung noticed something different inside himself. his heart felt like it was beating a bit faster compared to previous nights spent together.

minho’s arm was around his waist, their legs were intertwined. with his eyes closed, he could sense the place of his feline companions around the bed: one of them was between their chests, and another one resting on his feet. he guessed the third must be right beside minho’s hair — dori always liked sleeping next to his human’s hair.

the domesticity of the scene had jisung feel like he was falling even deeper. he thought that he could get used to this. waking up next to minho and his cats, after cuddling each other under blankets on a cold night, sharing their warmth and space. wanting to hold onto the feelings minho’s presence was provoking on him, jisung didn’t dare open his eyes. his mind and body felt at peace, basking at the familiarity of his presence.

was it love if he wished for nothing but to wake up next to minho like this every day?

-

jisung must have fallen asleep again, because the next time he felt awake, the reason was his phone alarm. stupid, stupid school. how dare it interrupt a cuddle session with minho!

when he opened his eyes, minho had his gaze set on jisung was, barely a few inches away from him. the distance between them was almost non-existent, which made him immediately smile at the realization. his recently-awaken mind didn’t think there was something strange with smiling at the closeness he had with his best friend in bed, so he stayed like that for a few moments until his awareness of the situation hit. once it did, he immediately tried to hide himself. dori helped him hide - she jumped in between them, asking for pets now that they were both awake.

dori was the only reason minho’s blush didn’t get noticed. the same could be said for jisung’s, who couldn’t calm down the fast beating of his heart nor hide the bright smile that covered his face. he turned around both to hide his embarrassment and turn off his alarm, its overwhelming noise insisting from the desk next to his bed.

“had minho realized the hearts in my eyes?”

“did jisung realize i tried to hide because i can’t hide my love for him?”

the doubts wandered across both of their minds, while they tried to fully wake up for a new day of classes. this situation only made jisung's feelings for minho become more clear — they had become stronger recently, to the point it was getting progressively harder, or almost impossible, to ignore them. the blush on his cheeks just refused to leave, because he couldn’t stop thinking of how beautiful minho looked as he laid so close to him.

it reminded him of a fragment of a book, where one character said things were more beautiful from far away. after seeing minho from that distance, it was an understatement to say that it wasn’t the case when it came to him. his best friend was only more beautiful from that closeness.

as he couldn’t hide the emotions he was feeling, he decided to excuse himself and start their breakfast, while minho did the same to feed the cats. their morning routine also had a certain familiarity at this point. they had been roommates for almost a year, and jisung was always very observant, so picking up on his habits was easy. he had already picked up how minho liked to drink his coffee, and how much an egg toast sandwich could brighten his morning face.

there were a lot of memories that they had been building in the last year since jisung moved in with minho. a year could be considered either a short time or a lifetime, and for jisung, it felt like he had known minho for a long time, even if they didn’t know each other before. it was their mutual friend hyunjin who helped them connect with each other while jisung was planning to move out — he was looking for a place to stay, and minho was looking for a roommate who loved cats.

in jisung’s eyes, every habit that he learn from minho was another reason to love him. some of his current habits would be considered theirs, as both of them picked up habits from each other or built their own in consequence of the time they spent together.

one of them had to do with their morning routine. the way his roommate behaved during the morning was absolutely different from his own. minho had never been a morning person, while jisung had the energy to tackle tasks like cooking even at sunrise. before he met jisung, minho would always wake up late, pick up maybe coffee or tea to drink while on the way to his first classes. but jisung was different — he liked making rice, soup, side dishes, and he quickly took a liking to making lunches for minho to bring with him to the dance studio whenever their schedules enabled it.

jisung not only learnt how to make his dishes look like cats, but also bought a cat themed thermos for minho to carry his warm drinks to class and a water bottle with cat ears to take to his dance practices. minho couldn’t say he wasn’t teased by his dance classmates, especially by hyunjin. but he would only blush, because now they were his most precious objects. jisung thought that everything which was cat shaped captured minho’s essence.

everyone always perceived minho as an intimidating or unreachable person. however, jisung had always seen him in a different light, softness being the characteristic he always used first to describe his roommate and best friend. for minho, it was more important than what the other could actually picture.

jisung’s love language was gift giving. whenever he saw cat patterns, he thought of getting it for minho. his preference was set on pastel colors gifts — the softness of those colors reminded him of the way he felt whenever he was near minho.

he was scared the first time, but it had been proved that minho loved pastel colors as long as the gifts came from jisung.

the first gift was two pairs of slippers for their apartment. minho’s slippers were plain black, but when jisung saw a pair of pastel yellow slippers that had the same pattern and colors as doongie and soonie, buying them became a task that definitely needed to be achieved.

“we have them in other colors too.'' the shop employee explained, getting the yellow pair in minho’s size. “they come in black, white, grey…”

“can i see the grey ones?”

the task changed from getting a pair of slippers to getting two. grey slippers represented dori, and she needed to be included, hence jisung’s choice of getting that pair for himself alongside doongie and soonie slippers for minho.

excitement bloomed from him as he got to their apartment and showed them to minho. his roommate smiled fondly, genuinely touched by the gesture.

“you got us couple slippers!”

jisung could recall that as the first time he felt butterflies in his stomach caused by minho. it had been almost a year since that moment, a long enough time for him to confess his feelings. but he was always like this — docile, passive, he let things happen around him while he didn’t do anything to engage with the present moment. he observed, but he didn’t do anything that would cause what he was terrified of: change.

would the relationship between minho and him change if he tried to do something about it?

he had always been too scared to try.

-

if the pleasure principle ruled over the psychic apparatus, seeking it would be the ultimate goal of our existence. freud had already stated the recurrent nightmares were the first sign of the existence of something beyond the seek of pleasure.

he found another sign in something else, a recurrence that was present in most patients during therapy. there was a tendency of repeating experiences that weren’t pleasurable, and that could have never brought any kind of satisfaction in any stage of life.

the persistence of this phenomenon in his patients was related to childhood - people would project into their therapist the events that had inflicted pain on them, putting whoever was listening to them in the place of who actually hurt them.

there is always a compulsion of repeating things that hurt us.

-

the professor’s words were just background noise behind the thoughts that flooded jisung. in all his years in college, there was no class he hated more than psychoanalysis. for the final, the class was supposed to answer a study guide. jisung didn’t think this was the worst essay he had to read for the class, although the introduction of a death drive in the long drive theory that was being studied for the course kept him uneasy.

however, the discomfort was easy to be ignored as his thoughts were fixated on the texts he had received from minho not long ago. the messages included a promise: he would come and bring jisung something before going to dance practice.

the idea of minho waiting for him outside affected him positively. it made him feel like the main character of a drama, whose romantic interest waited patiently with a gift. he hoped minho awaited for him with the same feelings igniting his heart.

once the professor finally gave the cue to leave, jisung basically ran out of the classroom, heading quickly to the place where they were supposed to meet. near the fountain, minho stood, backpack with a cat keyring hanging from it, and a bento on his hands. he could recognize, even from this distance, that he chose their cat paw themed container.

“sungie!” minho’s smile beamed, his whole demeanour shifted. while seeming usually unapproachable, near jisung his behaviour matched the one of a kitten — cold to strangers, clingy with the ones he trusted, playful, and so damn adorable. “i brought you lunch!”

minho stretched his arms heading to jisung’s chest, maintaining eye contact even while his cheeks were burning. “i had some free time, and i thought i could give you this for being so brave after reading that book. i know it was hard and scary for you.”

“hyung…” minho glared fiercely at him, teasingly, but a clear sign he hadn’t finished speaking yet.

“seriously, your meals always warm both my stomach and my heart. i tried my best with the shapes, you know i’m not the best at cooking.” minho’s eyes were now focused on his feet, stretching his arms a bit more. “i hope you can enjoy it.”

anxiety crawled over jisung. no words managed to leave his mouth, the only thought he could ever formulate were words that he still couldn’t dare to say.

jisung loved minho. he liked him, he wanted him. there was no one else who could make his heart skip a beat.

but jisung was also scared. terrified. his body was paralyzed but he managed to grab the box, an automatic reaction from an overwhelmed brain.

“i’m gonna be late!” minho suddenly became exalted, which made jisung flinch and step back involuntarily. “‘i’ll text you!” he said, before turning around and running towards his building.

for jisung, the world was going too fast. the only thing he could grasp in slow motion was minho leaving, his back getting slowly further from him. the fountain’s noise burdened his ears, mixing up with the sound of a shattered heart and the feeling of tears falling down his cheeks for every word he couldn’t dare to say.

coward was the only word in his mind while he read the note minho left on the lunch box.

“i tried making cats because you’re doongie, soonie and dori’s dad too. and i’m happy i get to raise my cats with you.”

-
when jisung woke up exalted from his nightmare after his nap, his first thought was that he wanted minho.

however, it was an unobtainable wish. minho had gone to dance practice, the last one before the showcase. even with that knowledge, and with the underlying fear of being selfish, jisung let himself yearn for him. he knew minho wouldn’t come until late at night, and for some reason, that made a sob break through him and the pain to pulse throughout his body again.

damn trauma, he cursed in his head. jisung knew there was a pattern — he knew whenever he wanted something, he wouldn’t let himself have it. he wanted minho, yet he was too scared and ashamed of the luggage he carried to let himself try.

the cost of losing him was bigger than the way the feelings of ignoring his growing love for his best friend made him hurt. the terror of being rejected and losing the person he cared about the most made him freeze, get stuck in the ifs, inside his own overthinking mind.

jisung thought minho deserved better than him, and that made his heart ache in a new way. the pain of an unrequited love hurt in a suffocating way, even when he was used of the pain and the swallowing sadness that would last for days without end. he had finally realized the pain of feeling not enough was the repetition he couldn’t escape from, the reason why he lost so many things, so many people, so many opportunities.

the reason he would end up losing his best friend. or the reason he would end up losing his opportunity to love and be loved. it all came down to a choice, but that choice was determined by fear more than by himself.

he had gotten hurt for settling and not trying. he knew he wanted minho. he noticed in the way his thoughts always shifted to minho, in the way love lyrics would always bring his friend back to his mind, in the way he could listen to minho for hours, how he thought he was the most interesting person in the world.

if not going for what he wanted has always brought him pain, why did he keep repeating it?

-

freud’s previous theories stated that humans were ruled by their pleasure principle. the id demanded immediate gratification of wants and needs, so consequently, it would try to obtain them by seeking change.

by the time he discovered the compulsion of repetition, he realized the id was not comfortable with change, even when it was needed to satisfy any desire. it was the opposite: the id would rather stay in the patterns it already knew, even if they were hurtful, because there was something beyond the pleasure principle.

what was beyond the pleasure principle was the principle of constancy, closely linked to the death drive. it made people get stuck in patterns that were harmful, because breaking from them meant processing the events that caused them — and to work through them, the psychic apparatus needed to use energy that would cause a disbalance on the constancy they tried to keep.

being aware of it meant people could break out of their repetitive patterns.

working through the different events that ignited these patterns, although painful, could make people be free from them.

-

minho was nothing like the people jisung had in his life in the past.

jisung had left his natal city in hopes of leaving behind the feelings that crawled to him every time he walked through the places where he had been hurt. however, he discovered he didn’t need to see the places for them to haunt their thoughts, creeping through his nightmares and every decision he made.

therapy was one of the first places he had scheduled an appointment in when he moved near campus. the counselling had been a great opportunity to learn things about himself and healthy tools to cope with his mental health, which had hit rock bottom not long after moving in with minho.

his own improvement had been noticeable. not only jisung felt better, but he was aware and hopeful that he would be able to work through the feelings that periodically haunted him, one day at a time, and in healthier ways every time.

minho had been there with him accompanying him every day. hard days, important days, happy days — they all had one thing in common, and that was his roommate’s presence.

and today, it was jisung’s turn to be there for minho in his important day: the dance show.

as he sat in one of the front rows in the venue, his enthusiasm made him glow. minho had chose the seat for jisung very carefully: some weeks ago, he arrived at their apartment with the ticket, promising him it was the best place to see the show.

“actually…” minho’s voice became small with embarrassment. “i chose this spot for you because i think it’s the place you will see me best. and i want you to look at me, okay?”

a bright smile formed in jisung’s face just by recalling those words. he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes out of minho even if he tried. he never could, regardless of what was minho doing — jisung’s eyes would follow him around, the same way his heart did.

he spent the last minutes before the show fidgeting nervously with the card he had drawn for minho as a congratulatory gift. jisung spent the last days drawing doongie, soonie and dori with a flower bouquet, adorning the paper with a daisy he had picked near campus and a handwritten letter he poured his heart

“is that for minho?” the person beside him asked, making jisung turn around and face him. “i’m sure it is! i know you! you’re his roommate!”

the joy on the face of this stranger took jisung by surprise. “yes, i’m minho’s roommate. do… do we know each other?”

“no, but everyone in the dance team knows you. i am just watching today, but i have rehearsed with minho every day. my name is felix!”

“i’m jisung.” smiling to felix wasn’t a hard task, as this person seemed like the embodiment of sunshine. it wasn’t hard to smile back at him. “how come everyone knows me?”

“minho never stops talking about you. he was the most picky with his solo performance because he choreographed it thinking about you. it’s so romantic!” felix seemed genuinely endeared by the relationship minho and he had. there was no way to reply back, as the lights turned off before jisung could process the words said. “okay, okay, enjoy it!”

felix settled on the seat behind him, getting his phone out to record his teammates on their opening night. jisung felt the word romantic lingering inside his mind.

after the show started, there was no opportunity to think about anything else but the captivating lights and loud music vibrating throughout his body. his eyes were glued to his favourite dancer, one he knew from up close, but that in the stage, looked like a totally different person.

minho was captivating. his dance movements were sharp and clear, his style conveyed every feeling that the performance needed. he stood on that stage like he owned it — and in jisung’s eyes, he did. the lights on the stage might have been illuminating everyone, but jisung thought the spotlight was just on minho, the rest of the stage becoming dark and irrelevant.

after the next song ended, felix touched jisung’s shoulder to catch his attention. “my boyfriend changbin and i recorded the song for minho’s solo, but he wrote it!”

even as a whisper, jisung could recognize the pride felix had for that achievement. “minho wrote a song?”

the lights turned back on before felix could reply, but he still nodded eagerly, phone in his hands to record their friend’s performance.

-

freud’s conclusions weren’t necessarily hopeful ones. however, while jisung explained the contents of the essay he had just read to minho, he decided to turn the theory inside the book into a hopeful message.

it was possible to seek change and to heal from hurtful patterns. he didn’t need to follow a book that stated the hardships and almost impossible path to reach the pathogenic nucleus and heal was one he would not be able to achieve.

he would.

he would let himself be loved.

-

the story behind minho’s dance composition was a love story. it was one built by his own feelings, the ones that kept blooming since the day he met jisung.

falling in love didn’t feel like a singular moment, but a recollection of memories that started to build up and grow inside his heart. every moment they spent together became a brick on the construction of what he could call home: home wasn’t a particular place, but wherever jisung was waiting for him.

it wasn’t a sudden fall. minho was scared of heights, and falling sounded daunting to him. love didn’t seem like anything but a dreading and anxiety-inducing feeling for minho until he started to know jisung. and being able to know his roommate was a privilege he felt lucky to have, as he had a way to perceive the world and express his feelings that was incredibly special.

and attractive. everything about jisung was, from the way his eyes sparkled when talking about his passions to the contents of his mind that he expressed well through writing and drawing.

speaking, on the other hand, was his weakness. jisung was scared of the world, showing little interest to interact with anyone that was unknown to him. from an outside perspective, his uninterested manner could be misinterpreted as coldness. in reality, he was just shy and meeting new people and forming relationships of any kind sparked anxious feelings inside him.

the stage of getting to know each other was, well, difficult. jisung seemed to hide more as the days went by — he would stay inside his room, leaving only in the early morning to cook breakfast, when minho was still in a bad morning temper to attempt to hold a conversation.

their first real conversation happened around two weeks after jisung first moved in. it was a night when the rehearsal got cancelled unexpectedly, so minho decided to use the time to buy some essentials in the pet shop near their apartment. while he walked through the food aisle, he recognized his roommate in another corridor.

even with the distance that was separating each other, minho could recognize jisung looking for different cat toys, eyeing on mice and snake toys. he decided to go and talk to his roommate, who flinched visibly when he heard his name being called.

jisung explained he was getting some toys for doongie, soonie and dori. he had noticed dori liked featherly toys the most, so he was getting one they could use to play in the air. soonie enjoyed snake-type toys more, so he also planned on finding the perfect one for her. doongie preferred playing catch, so according to jisung, a pink bouncy ball catered her likes the most.

the care and observance jisung had taken for his cats in such a small frame of time surprised minho and warmed his heart. for someone who had cats, a person who cared about them became one who was immediately trustworthy. the toys weren't the only thing jisung left the apartment to get: his roommate had also got something from him, which he didn’t call a gift but a sign of appreciation for their hospitality — jisung loved drawing, so he decided to make pieces of minho’s cats and print them as a surprise.

“it isn’t hospitality.” minho was touched, and he wanted jisung to feel comfortable inside their apartment too. “that would be if the apartment was mine. but it’s ours now. the cats, me, and you. you are part of our family now.”

those words, genuinely spoken from minho’s heart, were a turning point. jisung became more comfortable around him since that moment, feeling at ease to speak and interact with his new friend. their relationship only grew from that point.

and that was exactly what minho tried to express in his dance: it was the story of two boys who had a hard time getting comfortable around each other, who started to build memories together, to help the other feel like they belonged somewhere. the appearance of jisung in his life turned the loneliness that surrounded him to a sense of safety. it was reassuring to know he had someone he could go back to every night, who cared deeply about him in an unconditional way, a type of love he had never been able to experience before.

the dance to “because i like you” was the story of a lonely boy who fell in love with someone who thought didn’t deserve it, just because the world had hurted him too deeply.

he hoped the dance would not only express the love he had for that boy, but that it was a love he deserved regardless of the struggles and the pain he carried with him.

minho would return the same unconditional love jisung had given him.

-

-

once the performance finished and minho left the stage, jisung say in his seat feeling like he was flying alongside the stars, not a single coherent thought existed inside jisung’s mind.

the only word he could use to describe minho’s dance was love.

when minho greeted the audience from the stage right after his dance ended, he locked eyes with jisung. the smile across his face was filled with something else than satisfaction from a good performance, but with the sweetness of finding in the crowd of people the person he wanted to see the most, the one he was dedicating his song and his dance to.

the person minho loved was jisung.

jisung was insecure. he would doubt everyone’s intentions, he would think everything that was told to him had the possibility of being a lie — he had been hurt enough before, and trusting people was the hardest accomplishment to achieve.

however, jisung trusted minho. and even if he would never be able to stop his habit of overthinking, there was no other intention he could infer from that performance. it was unmistakably a dance that was built with love.

minho returned the love jisung had for him.

when the show ended, felix guided him excitedly through halls and doors. “just follow me, okay? i know where to find minho.”

time and space were moving differently for him. as he followed felix, engaging with his environment was clouded by his intense feelings, which ranged from elation to dread. jisung was completely certain of the fact that he loved minho and minho loved him.

despite that, his brain didn't stop worrying. shame consumed part of his heart, mixing with the joy the performance brought him. feelings were not easy and jisung thought it was unfair for his best friend to deal with someone who was like him, a person who couldn't even describe his own feelings in a non-contradictory or overwhelming manner.

ashamed and regretful of his reaction, the first thing jisung did when left alone with minho was start crying.

“you don’t deserve this reaction.” jisung sobbed, grip on the card becoming harder. “you deserve better than this, and better than me, hyung.”

in the back garden of the venue, minho held him closely in his arms. “it’s okay, sungie. tears are okay.”

“but i am very happy!” jisung just cried even louder, contradicting the words that just left his mouth. “i am very happy, emotions are just… i want to, but i’m so broken, i…”

minho stopped embracing him to be able to look at him, his own eyes filled with tears as well. “you don't need to know yet, sungie.”

“hyung…”

“no, no. let me finish.” minho dried jisung’s tears with his thumb gently, caressing the back of his neck. “you’re not broken. i know you feel guilty, jisung. i know you feel undeserving of support, undeserving of love. but you carrying this heaviness on your back doesn’t make me stop loving you. we will go at your own pace. trust, love, those things are hard. we will change and grow slowly, as long as you let me and want me to be by your side. is that okay?”

jisung nodded, stretching his arms to give minho the drawing he made for him. it was like the first day they really talked to each other — two different drawings, two different meanings, but just one muse. the only one he wanted.

“i want to be with you, minho. let’s raise your cats together, okay?”

minho smiled. “our cats, sungie.”

under the night sky and the full moon, jisung still thought the one who shone the brightest was minho. jisung held inside him the same love for minho he had that night, but something else inside him had changed.

jisung was gonna try, since this moment, to let himself be loved. he felt ready to break the pattern, to say the words that craved to fall from his lips for a long time.

he felt safe.

“i love you, minho.”