Archive of Our Own

"Can I ask you something?"

Holly glances at Clara. "You don't normally ask for permission."

Clara purrs. "I know." She takes a breath. "I was just wondering — what happened to your nose?"

Holly freezes.

"You don't have to answer!" Clara hurries to add. "I was just wondering."

"It's okay," Holly says. "It's...a complicated story." She lifts her paw to the bridge of her nose. It's a familiar marking. Firestar did a good job with it; no Clan cat could ever fail to recognize her. She sighs. "I suppose the short version is — it's a marking."

"For what?"

Holly closes her eyes. "That's a longer story. I'll tell you when we have more time."

Cannoli, their latest patient, wiggles happily. He's just under a year old, and Holly is still surprised he survived. There's nothing they can do for snakebites but treat the symptoms and watch, and the wounds are deeply infected.

But here he is, bouncing around happily.

"Alright," Holly says, "why don't you help Clara with Ginger's dressings?"

He wrinkles his nose. "But—"

"It's a good skill to have," she reminds him. "And Mango helped with yours, so you're going to pass it on."

"Fine." His tail drags behind him, but his ears are pricked forward. Most cats who come to them don't stay for much longer after they've been cleared to leave. Holly can't force them, even if she usually needles them into staying for a few days to help with other patients. Reminding them that they needed help is usually sufficient.

Still, sometimes cats stay longer, and she hopes Cannoli is one of them. His energy is nice to have, and he's been lingering in leaving. The more trained cats they have, the better they can help everyone.

"We've got nothing but time," Clara says, on a quieter night, when they have no patients. "You owe me a story."

Holly narrows her eyes.

"Please?" Clara begs.

"I was born in...we called ourselves Clans." Clara settles her head on Holly's side, purring softly. Holly flicks her tail, amused. "We had a position called seer, who was responsible for — among other things — treating sick cats."

"Which is what you were?"

Holly shakes her head. "Well, not really. I was training as one — my aunt, I told you about her, was teaching me, but...she decided she should train my brother instead." She lets the tangled ball of emotions rise. There are more than she knows how to name, but hurt and anger are the most glaring. "And they consider it a crime, to know even the slightest thing about herbs without being a seer. One of the worst crimes."

Clara lifts her head, narrowing her eyes. "But that doesn't make any sense. What if something happens? Why not just teach everyone the basics?"

"Because it went wrong, once," Holly says. "And instead of learning and growing and changing, they just stopped doing it." Clara is still watching her, hazel eyes foreign and familiar at the same time, and Holly rests her head on her paws. "Because that's what they believe," she says. "Even though it doesn't make any sense." Clara licks her cheek, and Holly purrs. "They'd rather kill me than question their own beliefs."

Cats rarely ask about her scars. They rarely ask about her, to be frank. Holly prefers it that way. But loners like her are always scarred, and it's hard to label a cat trying to help you a rogue.

That was one of the first things Holly larned.

"We aren't rogues," Clara spat. "We're loners, the lot of us, all different types. But call a cat a rogue and you'll lose an eye."

The occasional cat is curious. Usually, they are recently divorced housekeepers, still adapting to life without owners. Holly tries to do them the favor of educating them.

"Ask a cat a question like that, and you might lose an eye."

“Holly!”

Holly groans, flicking her tail at Clara. She was up all night while Dusk was kitting, and Clara promised she could handle anything. The kitting went as well as could be hoped for, even if Holly still wishes they managed to fatten Dusk up more before it.

“Holly!” Clara repeats. “Three cats are looking for you.”

“You deal with it,” Holly mutters. “I’m resting. You know everything I know by now.”

“No, they’re looking for you. By name and everything.” Clara pauses. "Your old name."

Holly sighs, opening her eyes and arching her back. “Let’s make it quick, then. If I’m going to be up, I want to make sure Dusk is doing alright.” She tries not to think of the implications of Clan cats looking for her. Hopefully, it's just someone she met before she arrived at the city, or someone who brushed up with the Clans and somehow managed to hear her name.

“C'mon. I made them wait in the front.” Clara takes off, and Holly follows at a slower pace. “They wouldn’t tell me what they wanted to talk about.”

Holly is about to respond when she sees them.

She’d recognize her brothers anywhere.

“Go check on Dusk,” Holly says.

“Are you sure? What if they—”

“They’d be stupid to try anything,” Holly says. “And I’m not a hapless kit anymore.”

“Alright,” Clara says. “Call if you need anything.” She touches noses with Holly, and then runs off. Holly takes a moment to breath, before walking closer.

Lionpaw – well, Lionsomething, likely – meets her eyes. Jaypaw has his head turned in his direction, and he tastes the air.

“Hollypaw? Is it really you?”

The third cat glances between them, but Lionpaw shakes his head before she can speak.

“That’s not my name,” she says. “You all made sure of that.”

Jaypaw startles back, as if she had slashed at him.

Good.

Holly has crossed claw marks over her nose, lest the Clans ever forget that they drove her off at the tender age of eight moons old.

“I’m sorry,” Jaypaw says. “I didn’t…” He shakes his head. “I didn’t want this.” He takes a breath.

“Well, what do you want?”

“We’re here to take you to ThunderClan.” It’s the small grey cat who speaks, looking excited to finally involve herself. “I had a vision. You’re supposed to—”

Jaypaw swats at her muzzle with his tail. “Enough, Dovepaw.”

“But—”

“I said enough.”

Holly begins to wash one of her paws. “Already got an apprentice, then?”

“She’s mine, actually.” Lionpaw looks at her affectionately. “Or — until we get back, she is.”

“And…she’s right.” Jaypaw sighs. “We were sent to find you.”

Holly snorts. “Right. So now they want me.”

“You’re supposed to save us,” Dovepaw blurts out. “StarClan said you were, and that we would find you here, and we did, and you will.”

Holly lowers her head to Dovepaw’s level. “I’ll save you. I’ll tell you something no one else will,” she says, slow and calm and not like she is speaking about what ruined her life and tore her from her kin. “StarClan only cares about you if they can use you.”

"Holly!" Clara shouts. "Help!"

She dashes towards Clara without a word to the others.

"What's wrong?"

"One of the kits—" Clara points with her tail, and Holly studies the shaking kit. Dusk has the other one pulled close.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's fine," Holly says. "I've seen this before." It's been more than a year since Holly and Clara took up residence in this building, and she knows far more than what Leafpool taught her. "If it goes on for a long time, then we'll give him something, but he'll be fine. Clara — can you find the valerian?"

"Isn't he young for that?"

"We'll get him to lap it up," Holly says. "It'll be fine." She looks to Dusk for permission to enter, and Dusk nods. The kit's motions calm, and Holly begins to groom them. It's always good to groom kits, but she hopes it'll regulate whatever internal process causes the seizures. She hasn't had the chance to test her theory properly, but it can't hurt. "Have you named them yet?"

"I'm waiting for them to survive their first night," Dusk says. "But I've been thinking about names."

Holly purrs, and then places the kit back with Dusk. "We'll keep an eye on him; if this keeps happening, he'll probably have episodes like this for the rest of his life."

"Isn't there something you can do?"

Holly sighs. "We'll give him valerian, and if they get bad — he can take it daily. But it tends to make cats drowsy, and isn't usually worth it. He should be fine without it — we met a cat a few seasons ago who was absolutely fine. That's who taught us all this."

Clara comes back, and Holly takes the smallest bit of leaf she can manage, coaxing the kit to open his mouth. He's young enough she won't have to fight — once she can get it in, he'll swallow reflexively.

"He'll be sleepy," Holly warns. "But newborns are already sleepy. Keep an eye on his breathing — if it starts to get much slower or shallower, call for me or Clara."

Dusk curls around the kits, and Holly backs out of the nest. "We'll have to show them where to find it," she says. "Dusk and the kit should both know."

"We can see if mugwort helps," Clara adds. "Or—"

"We'll talk later," Holly says. "Not in front of them."

"But—"

"Later, Clara." Holly licks her cheek, hoping Clara remembers enough of what she's said about the Clans to let the matter lie. "For now..." She looks at Lionpaw, Jaypaw, and Dovepaw. "I need to finish my conversation."

Clara nods. "I'm going to go for a hunt, then. Dusk could use a good meal."

They touch noses, and Holly returns to the Clan cats.

"So," she says, "what's this about 'needing me'?"

"You — I — but—" Jaypaw splutters. "You're still..."

"I'm still what?" She wraps her tail around her leg. "Certainly not using the training Leafpool gave me. Two moons isn't enough to go over seizures."

"Someone had a seizure? I should see them."

Holly sniffs. "I took care of it."

"But you're not—"

"This," she says, "is not your den. This is not ThunderClan. This is not your call." She curls her lip. "If you are going to cause trouble, you can leave." Jaypaw balks, and Holly nods, satisfied. She turns her gaze to Dovepaw. The apprentice looks shocked, and Holly can see her face flitting between horror and amusement and confusion and excitement. "Now, are you going to answer my question?"

After getting confirmation from Jayfeather, Dovepaw has begun to explain the prophecy — not that Holly puts much stake in dreams — when they're interrupted again. Cannoli's footsteps thunder down the stairs, his voice calling out ahead of him.

"Holly! Holly, guess what? I found a whole new—" He pauses, taking a deep breath and pushing through Jaypaw, Lionpaw, and Dovepaw. "I found a whole new garden, and the Twolegs are growing mint, and you're always talking about how nice it would be to have some, so..." He trails off, taking a moment to appraise the situation. Holly makes a mental note to work on his situational awarenesss. "Holly, who're—"

"We'll talk later." She licks his temple, trying not to laugh at the sudden fear on Dovepaw and Lionpaw's faces. They've heard one word, not even seen the plant it refers to, and they're already horrified. "I promise."

"You always tell me to ask questions when I don't know something."

"And I'm telling you I'll answer you later. Or you can talk to Clara when she gets back."

His whiskers twitch. "Fine. But we really should go back to the patch—"

"Later," she hisses, trying to save the fragile Clan cats. They're so convinced of their own strength they're blind to their own weaknesses.

Holly has had a lot of time to contemplate the Clans.

She licks Cannoli's head again. "I promise, Can', we'll talk. Just not right now, okay?"

"Okay."

"Lionblaze," he says. "And Jayfeather."

Holly doesn't say thank you.

Holly agrees to let them spend the night, and as she's grooming herself, the apprentice approaches her.

"You're an exile," Dovepaw says.

"You're just noticing that?"

"It seemed rude to bring it up before."

"What changed?"

"I figured out why you were exiled."

She'll leave with them.

It's a hard and easy decision to make.

Hard, because she doesn't want to leave Clara behind, doesn't want to leave Cannoli behind, doesn't want to leave what they've built behind. Hard, because she can already see the empty space in their nest, a space she doesn't want to leave. Hard, because this is home.

But it's easy, because even though she doesn't know why, she knows she'll go.

On the morning they set to leave, Clara nestles into Holly, refusing to let her leave their nest. She leans her head on Holly's shoulder, staring into Holly's eyes, unblinking. "Are you coming back?"

Holly hesitates. "If I'm not back within a year, you can assume I'm not."

She doesn't add, I might be dead by then. She doesn't add, They're probably going to kill me. She doesn't add, I wish you were coming with me. She lets Clara purr and groom her, and she bunts against Clara's chin.

"Take care of things for me."

"I will," Clara promises. "Come back to me."

Holly hesitates again. "I'll do my best."

"He's been trying to decide between me and Ivypaw," Dovepaw says, "only he doesn't want us to know, so he's trying to keep it a secret, but it isn't working very well."

"I'm surprised StarClan wanted an exile," Dovepaw says, far too chipper. She glances around at them. "I just — how could they want..."

"Thanks for your confidence."

Dovepaw's face scrunches up. "That's not what I meant. I just..." She scowls. "Never mind."

"Berrynose, Hazeltail, Mousewhisker," Lionblaze says.

"And Poppyfrost and Cinderheart," Jayfeather finishes.

"What about Honeypaw and Molepaw?"

"They...both died," Jayfeather says. "But — she was Honeyfern."

"Foxleap and Icecloud," Lionblaze continues.

"Ivypaw and Briarpaw and Blossompaw and Bumblepaw," Dovepaw says. "Oh — I can't wait for you to meet Ivypaw. She's the best."

Holly left ThunderClan as the sun crossed the horizon, the sky purple and the moon low.

They reach the beginning of Clan territory just after sunrise.

Dovepaw practically leaps over the border without a thought, and Jayfeather and Lionblaze follow her. Holly stops short. She hasn't been here since she was exiled, and the memory of crossing over, not letting herself look back, is sharp enough she can feel Firestar's claws.

"Holly?" Dovepaw asks.

"I can't," she says. "I — they'll kill me."

Dovepaw is an apprentice, young enough to accept Holly as she is, and Lionblaze and Jayfeather are her littermates, but the rest of ThunderClan won't be so forgiving. She has no doubt plenty of cats wouldn't think twice about killing her.

"But you're—"

"It's okay, Dovepaw. Lionblaze, why don't you two get started back to camp?"

Dovepaw glances over her shoulder as she leaves, sticking close to her soon to be former mentor.

"You, um, you can cross," Jayfeather says. "After I became a full seer, Lionblaze and I...buried you."

It takes a moment for Holly to understand. "You what?"

"We didn't think we'd see you again," he says hastily. "And — I wanted...I didn't want StarClan to refuse you because of their own damn mistake."

"And ThunderClan knows?" He buried her, or as much as. She is dead and gone and Holly knows she is not the same cat who left ThunderClan seasons ago, but that is not the same thing as ThunderClan agreeing with her.

"Yeah. They weren't happy about it."

Nervously, Holly puts her front paws over the border. A part of her feels like this is a trap.

"I don't want to go to StarClan," she says, taking another step forward. "I don't care if they want me."

Jayfeather winces, but responds in a carefully neutral tone. "No cat can force another into StarClan's light." It has the cadence of a saying — maybe it is, and it's just faded from Holly's mind.

His whiskers twitch, and then they start back towards camp. The territory is new and old. Saplings have sprung up, and rocks shift, and things just feel different. Maybe it's just that it's not her territory any more. Jayfeather doesn't try to talk to her as they walk back to camp, even though she can see that he wants to. She's not sure what's keeping him quiet, but she appreciates it nonetheless.

When they reach camp, Jayfeather stops, and Holly stares at the thorn tunnel.

"It's alright," Jayfeather says. "Everything is going to be okay."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do." He nudges her forward, and hesitantly, she creeps through the tunnel, Jayfeather just behind her. Lionblaze and Dovepaw are still sitting in the center of camp, surrounded by ThunderClan. Lionblaze's whiskers twitch when he sees her, and Holly takes a few steps closer to him, clearing enough space for Jayfeather to join her.

Holly takes in the faces of cats she hasn't seen, but they are different. Some are older; some much older — she thinks she can guess who Foxleap and Icecloud are, if only by process of elimination, but they look nothing like the Foxkit and Icekit she left behind.

"What is she doing here?" Spiderleg growls, and Holly shrinks, her ears flattening against her head.

"She's been absolved of her crimes," Jayfeather says. "She's allowed."

"She's still an exile," he hisses. "Driving her off would be a kindness."

Lionblaze growls. "That's not how this works."

Avoiding his gaze, she sees Poppyfrost's head peer out of the nursery, watching Holly with an angry and distrusting glance. "Cherrykit! Molekit! Come here, now."

"Her marks haven't even faded. How do we know we can trust her?"

Jayfeather brushes his tail down her back.

"Because StarClan told me," Dovepaw says. "She's the one."

"What's going on?" Holly startles at his voice. It's nearly the same, if a little older and a little more tired than she remembers. Brambleclaw pushes out of the warriors den, searching camp and then staring at Holly in shock. His ears point towards her. "Hollypaw? Is that really you?"

She nods, not bothering to point out that it's just Holly. Brambleclaw pushes through the crowd, and Holly rubs her cheek against his. He purrs, the same sound she's known all her life. "It's me," she says. Brambleclaw licks the top of her head. "Where's Squirrelflight?"

Brambleclaw takes a step back. "She's — on a patrol." He averts his eyes. "I missed you so much, Holly."

"I missed you too."

Camp is still dissatisfied, grumbling, and Holly sits on the edge, Lionblaze on one side. She's not sure if it's to protect her, or to reassure ThunderClan that she won't cause harm.

Possibly both.

"Are you doing alright?"

Holly glances at him. ThunderClan — a place that was her home — stares at her with unmasked contempt. Alright is being at home. Alright is talking about her day with Clara. Alright is stealing herbs from Twoleg gardens.

"Stupid question," he says. "Got it."

Holly sighs. "It's just—"

Whatever she was saying dies in her throat as an unfamiliar cat walks out of the seer's den.

"I thought Jayfeather didn't have an apprentice."

"He doesn't."

"Then who's that?"

Lionblaze flicks his tail. "Oh, sorry. That's Flamepaw, Tawnypelt's son. He was filling in for Jayfeather while we were gone. He must be getting ready to head back to ShadowClan, then."

Holly narrows her eyes. "Why did someone need to fill in for Jayfeather?"

"Well, we didn't have another seer." Lionblaze's voice is languid, as if this is all old news. As if—

"Lionblaze," Holly says slowly, "you have Leafpool."

His eyes widen. "Right," he starts, "about that..." He shifts, licking his shoulder and turning away from her. "She was...ah, I should get Jayfeather to—"

"No. Tell me. Now."

Lionblaze sighs. "She was...exiled. After you."

"For what?" Firestar couldn't have overheard Leafpool's confession. Jayfeather has had the requisite training, and she can't imagine Firestar would have delayed. His daughter or no, having kits is one of the gravest sins a seer could commit. That doesn't leave a lot of options.

"Holly, I don't want to talk about it." Lionblaze meets her eyes, and then looks down. "Please."

She exhales slowly. Lionblaze had to watch her be exiled as an apprentice, and — likely not long after Jayfeather got his full name — watched their, as far as he knew, aunt be exiled as well. Anger burns in her again, but of all her kin, Lionblaze has done the least to harm her. No one could expect an apprentice to stand up to the will of the leader and seer.

"I want the full story eventually."

"And you'll get it," he says. "But not today."

Firestar comes back from a patrol.

Holly is watching.

He isn't. He carries a sparrow proudly, Sandstorm by his side. He looks the same as she remembers.

Brambleclaw's head jerks up as soon as Firestar enters camp, and he races to his side. Holly can hear snippets of what he's saying, but she doesn't try to extract any more meaning from them.

She's waiting.

Firestar looks up.

They both have green eyes.

He looks away.

Firestar addresses the Clan again, and again, she sits at the back of the crowd. He didn't speak with her before beginning, not even to ask her to come to the front, where subjects of Clan meetings traditionally sit.

It is just before sunhigh, and Jayfeather and Lionblaze sit on either side of her.

This is different.

"Cats of ThunderClan," Firestar begins. "Dovepaw and Jayfeather's journey was successful. They've returned with the prophesized cat."

"They've returned with an exile," someone calls.

"Holly has been absolved." Firestar glances towards her, and she holds her head up. However she feels, she needs to be strong. "And StarClan has specifically called for her to be here. She will be treated accordingly."

He does not clarify what that means.

She spends her evening the same way. Squirrelflight comes back, and she embraces Holly, but is quiet.

"I'm glad you're safe," Squirrelflight says, and then she's feigning a distraction, turning back to make up some unexplained crisis only she can handle.

Holly doesn't press the matter. She hasn't known what to say to Squirrelflight, and she doesn't know now. She has questions, grievances, longings. But most of them are tied to Leafpool (Leaf, if she's been exiled, but Holly thinks taking a name is a cruel trick, and she can't ask Leafpool what she prefers), and even if Leafpool is exiled, she won't jeopardize Jayfeather's position by revealing the truth.

She waits for Lionblaze to bring her prey. She hasn't hunted, and she can only imagine what the Clan would say if she took without contributing.

He carries a woodrat, pushing it to her. Holly takes the first bite.

"I'd offer to make a nest for you in the warriors den, but..." Holly looks up at cats sharing tongues, and the occasional glance towards her, often with unchecked ire.

"Yeah."

"We'll figure it out." Lionblaze purrs, licking her shoulder. "They'll get used to having you back."

"Right." Holly sighs, taking another bite of prey. She's missed this. There are plenty of mice and squirrels and rats and pigeons in the city, but they taste wrong. The air even smells wrong, somehow. Before she left ThunderClan, she didn't realize how differently it could smell.

"Jayfeather can probably keep you in his den for the night."

She wrinkles her nose. "ThunderClan would hate that even more."

"Well—"

"Me? With their precious seer?"

Lionblaze sighs. "I'm sorry, Holly."

"It's not your fault." She makes an effort to flatten her fur. "I'll just...it's fine. It's warm, I can go without a nest."

"No," Lionblaze says. "I mean — you can, but you shouldn't. I'll — we should talk to Jayfeather."

He stands, and she follows him, staying against the wall of camp. Hostilities aside, she can't remember the last time she's seen so many cats in one place.

(That's a lie.)

(It was when she left ThunderClan.)

"Jayfeather?" Lionblaze calls. "Do you have a minute?"

Their are voices drifting from the den.

"And it was real?" Jayfeather asks.

"Real as the wounds I treated," Flamepaw says.

Jayfeather sighs. "Thank you, Flamepaw. And thank you for taking care of ThunderClan in my stead." He steps out. "Lionblaze, what do you need?"

"Holly needs somewhere to sleep."

"She can sleep with one of us, can't she?"

Holly scoffs. "If I wanted to get killed in my sleep, sure I could."

"Holly, they wouldn't—"

"They might. And I can't save ThunderClan if I'm dead." She twitches her whiskers, trying to inject humor into her voice. "I'd be fine just sleeping outside, really."

"Jay, I was thinking — there's that cave, we could bring some more moss..."

Jayfeather's tail swings. "I don't—"

"She should have a nest, and it's too late to figure anything else out."

"Fine," Jayfeather says. "Just for the night. I'll get you some moss."

She sees Lionblaze and Jayfeather share tongues with Squirrelflight and wonders if she should tell them.

Brambleclaw is assigning patrols in the morning, and he looks to her questioningly. Holly flicks her tail up, because she has no better answer to him as to what he should do with her.

"Why don't...Lionblaze, why don't you lead a hunting patrol with Dovepaw and Holly?"

It's the last patrol he assigns, when most cats have scattered. The few who remain don't comment, and she's pitifully grateful for the reprieve. She's exhausted, having barely slept last night, afraid of falling into too deep a sleep.

"Where do you want us to go?"

Brambleclaw hesitates again. He doesn't want to send them too close to the borders, Holly assumes, or in the way of a different patrol.

"Head out some time after sunhigh," he decides. "Start around the Sky Oak?"

Lionblaze nods, and Holly sighs. She has a whole morning to kill in a camp of cats who want to kill her.

Maybe.

Some of them do, at any rate. She doesn't think any of them would openly attempt anything. Not when Firestar said not to. But she wouldn't put it past them to try anyway.

"I'm going to take Dovepaw to practice fighting," Lionblaze says. "Do you want to come?"

"Sure. It's not like I have anything better to do."

Lionblaze churrs happily, and they set out. The training hollow, at the least, is the same as she remembers, and she takes the same place she took the one time Leafpool took her to observe a training session.

Holly settles onto her paws in the pale morning sun, watching through lidded eyes as Lionblaze goes over some move with Dovepaw. It's not particularly interesting. She wasn't trained as a warrior, and she has no interest in learning. What she knows about fighting was won and earned.

Her eyes flutter shut.

"Something's bothering you," Lionblaze says, sounding just oddly muffled.

"It's just...Ivypaw had a vision...Jayfeather..."

"Holly," Lionblaze says softly, nosing her shoulder. "We're heading back now."

She yawns, arching her back, feeling more rested. Lionblaze purrs in amusement, and Holly bats at his ear.

"Let's just go," she grumbles.

Dovepaw is in better spirits, trotting with her head held high. She's the first through the thorn tunnel, and her good mood dissipates as all eyes in ThunderClan turn towards Holly.

Lionblaze brushes by her shoulder. "They'll get used to you."

"She was in a prophecy," Dovepaw says. "They shouldn't have to 'get used to' her."

"Well, they do," Holly snaps. "And that's just the way it is."

"Dovepaw, shouldn't you be with Jayfeather?"

The apprentice looks at her paws. "While we were gone...Ivypaw had a vision." She flicks her ears towards a bird's song. "Jayfeather isn't sure anymore."

She never ends up moving dens.

Easier to just stay here.

"Holly, they shouldn't make you feel like you can't sleep in the warriors' den."

"It's fine, Jayfeather." She sighs. "Half of them still look at me like I'm going to kill them in their sleep. I'd rather not sleep around them either."

It's more than half, really. Most of ThunderClan won't talk to her. Dovepaw will, and her kin, of course — even if Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight can't bear to be within two fox-lengths of one another — but most cats give her a wide berth. Brambleclaw only assigns her to patrols with Lionblaze and Squirrelflight.

The other apprentices gossip about her when they think she can't hear, wondering what she's done and why Firestar trusts her. It's been moons since Holly has felt self-conscious about her marks; lately, she wants to hide her face whenever she's around other cats.

That's the point of them, of course. She's not supposed to feel safe.

"Hey," Jayfeather says, licking her shoulder. "Do you want to share my den?"

"It's fine," she repeats. "I'm going to go for a walk."

"I'll come with you?"

"I need some time to be alone." It's true, even if it isn't exactly why she's leaving. Even though most cats in ThunderClan go out of their way to avoid talking to her, just being near so many cats after so long is exhausting.

Jayfeather doesn't try to stop her, and Brambleclaw is on patrol, so she slips out of camp without raising anyone's attention.

Good.

She darts through the undergrowth, enjoying the feeling of running encumbered by worries of other cats, and the scent of the forest. She didn't learn to hunt in ThunderClan, but she falls into a hunting crouch naturally, her tail still as she creeps towards a mouse. The forest has opened up, grassy meadow filled with chances for it to run, so Holly holds low to the ground, taking each step cautiously, focused entirely on her target.

It's why she doesn't notice that she's nearing a border, nor that there are cats waiting on it.

It's why she doesn't realize that she's being stalked as well.

It's why she doesn't recognize that she's being tackled until a stranger's claws are in her.

Holly snarls, trying to shake them off. She twists, and realizes its not a stranger. She relaxes for a moment, trying to remember the name of Crowfeather's son.

He doesn't, and Holly feels him slam into the ground, and then she feels herself slam into the ground. Her shoulder and head hit, and there's a terrible grinding pain.

"Breezepaw?" she guesses.

"Breezepelt," he snarls, his teeth against her throat. Holly squirms, but her shoulder feels like it's on fire, and there's another cat helping hold her down. She tilts her head, trying to see who else is here, and realizes the leader of WindClan is looking over the proceedings.

"Don't kill her," Onestar says.

Breezepelt growls. "Why shouldn't I? She's on Clan territory. She might as well be asking to be killed."

"I'm allowed to be here," Holly says. "I've been absolved."

Breezepelt bares his teeth. "Shut the hell up," he snarls.

"Firestar should know she was here," Onestar says. "And it'll be easier to make her walk to ThunderClan than to carry a corpse there."

Breezepelt lets her up, but he stays close to her side, and the brown tabby presses against her other side.

She limps along with them, but she can't put any weight on one of her legs. Breezepelt must have knocked it out of alignment. "I need to...something is wrong with my shoulder. Let me look at it; I could fix it."

"It'll be a really lasting fix," the tabby snorts. "Let's just go."

Holly sighs, but she still can't keep up with them. They've only made it a few fox-lengths, and Breezepelt is already huffing in frustration.

"Pick up the pace," Breezepelt orders.

"I can't," Holly says. "You hurt my shoulder, maybe dislocated it. If I put more weight on it, it'll only get worse."

Breezepelt snorts. "Would've been nice if you could've inherited something useful from your parents."

Onestar's tail lashes in warning, and Holly narrows her eyes. Breezepelt jostles her, and she winces when his shoulder hits her injured one. Breezepelt sneers. Holly's ears flatten against her head. "You're just making it harder."

"I don't care." Breezepelt jostles her again, and Holly stumbles, half-falling on the tom on her other side. She's quick to pull off of him, but she still feels the tips of her ears burn.

"Why are you doing this?" she growls.

Breezepelt stops. "Why am I — because you ruined my life!" His pelt fluffs out, and he bares his teeth at her. "You..." He snarls. "Because Crowfeather has spent my whole life hating me for not being you! Because he cared more when you and your mother were exiled then when I became a warrior! Because he didn't even have the decency to be ashamed for how he treated Nightcloud and I! Because when he heard you were back, he wanted to meet you!" Breezepelt pauses, his eyes narrowing. He takes a step back. "You never should've come back to the Clans," he hisses, before launching at her again.

His claws sink into her injured shoulder, and she shrieks, trying to kick him off without aggravating the injury any further.

"I'll kill you," he says, and Holly finally gets his claws to unlatch, only for Breezepelt to knock her on her back again. She hisses, struggling to her feet, and Onestar steps around her.

"Enough, Breezepelt," he says. "If you can't control yourself, I'll send you back to WindClan."

Holly narrows her eyes at him, and licks her shoulder hesitantly. If it wasn't dislocated before, it was now. She runs Breezepelt's words through her head.

"Why does Crowfeather care about me?" she asks, surreal calm overcoming her.

"No one told you?" Breezepelt's eyes widen, and then he laughs. "This is — this is good. I changed my mind; I wish Crowfeather would meet you." His laughter dies, and he lifts his chin with a sardonic expression. "You're his daughter," he says. "You and your brothers are his children, the ones he loves despite never knowing, and I'm just the disappointment he fathered to make a point."

Holly freezes, the same way Leafpool's whispered daughter froze her all that time ago. Before she can open her mouth to respond, they're interrupted.

"What do you think you're doing on ThunderClan territory?" Spiderleg calls.

"Peace, Spiderleg. We're here to visit Firestar. We would've waited at the border, but—" Onestar pauses, glancing back at Holly. "Well, we thought we should bring her in for you."

"Spiderleg," Holly says, "please tell them I'm with ThunderClan."

Spiderleg meets her eyes. "I'm sure Firestar will be thankful you took care of her."

Holly doesn't respond.

She knows much of ThunderClan is still hostile to her, but she didn't expect Spiderleg to...

Her lip twitches at the thought. She should bring this up to Jayfeather later. Spiderleg might not kill her, but he's at least willing to let her die.

Maybe he would try, if he had the chance.

She focuses on breathing through the pain. Breezepelt's words echo. She barely remembers Crowfeather, but he's black like her, isn't he? And how would Breezepelt know about Leafpool?

Spiderleg leads them through the thorn tunnel, and Holly looks at the ground, because she doesn't think she can bear to see ThunderClan's reactions to this.

"Apologies for the intrusion," Onestar says, "but we found an exile on your territory."

No one says anyone at first, and then there's a muffled argument, and Millie trots to the center of camp. "She's not an exile," Millie says, glancing over at whoever she was speaking with. "Holly, dear, you look hurt."

Holly feels her stomach twist. At least other cats are honest about how they feel. Millie's overly saccharine kindness makes Holly want to avoid her even more.

"I'm fine," she says. She pushes past Breezepelt and the other tom.

"She—"

"She's part of ThunderClan," Millie snaps, cutting Onestar off. "Spiderleg, why didn't you say anything?"

Spiderleg starts to explain, but Holly isn't listening. She turns to her den, and then eyes her shoulder before giving it a few cautious licks. Breezepelt didn't claw too deeply, thankfully, but it's definitely dislocated. Holly's set plenty of shoulders, but it won't be easy to do it on herself. Not impossible, but as she finds a suitable place where the rock juts out of the wall, she preemptively tenses at the pain.

Without giving herself a chance to overthink it, she shoves her shoulder against the wall until the pain becomes unbearable.

Holly pauses and takes a breath. Her shoulder throbs with pain; she wishes it didn't take her so long to get to fix it. She probably could have fixed it in seconds if she had been allowed to, but now it is swollen and hot and hurts to breathe on.

She presses against the cave wall again, exhaling with a hissing sound to regulate her breathing. She holds it as long as she can, trying to get her shoulder to push back into position, but the pain grows overwhelming, and she pulls away again.

"You can't fix that on your own," Jayfeather says. "Let me help you."

"I don't need your help." She pushes against the wall again.

"Holly, you can't treat this yourself. Everyone says your shoulder looks wrong."

"I can take care of myself," she grits out, squeezing her eyes shut tight and struggling against the pain.

"Please let me help you," he says again, as she is forced to step back, taking a few shaking steps and looking at her shoulder. She can't tell if she's made progress, but she doubts she has. This is a slow way of fixing it, and it will take her far longer than a few moments to resolve.

She could fix it. It would likely take the better part of the day, and every second she spends with her shoulder out of position is another second that she risks permanent damage, but she could fix it.

Jayfeather is waiting for her with an open posture, and she sighs.

"Okay. You can do it."

His ears tilt towards her. "Let's head to my den. I want to give you something for the pain."

Holly stands next to him, and at the encouragement of his tail, she leans against him. "Don't," she says. "I need to be able to feel it."

They start to walk, and Jayfeather takes slow steps. Holly wishes he would walk faster, because the Clan is watching her again. They've had their eyes on her since Onestar brought her back to camp as a prisoner.

"You're in pain," he argues. "You shouldn't have to suffer."

"I'm not taking anything," she says. "That's final."

Jayfeather sighs, but he doesn't argue any further.

When they reach his den, he smooths out the moss in a nest, and Holly lies in it, watching him riffle through his herbs.

"I don't need anything," she says. "I need you to fix my shoulder, and that's it."

"Well," he says, "I'm the seer here, and I make that call, and I say—"

"You're going to put comfrey in my nest," she says, "but that only helps broken bones, and frankly, I don't think it helps that much."

"Don't say that," Jayfeather snaps. "You can't — what if someone overhears?" He, predictably, surfaces without a mouthful of comfrey root.

"It's not going to matter," she mutters as he shreds it with his claws, tucking the slivers around her. "Even if it would, I'm not even lying on that side."

Jayfeather starts to nose at her shoulder, and she winces.

"If you'd take—"

"Just fix it," she says. "I want to go back to my own nest. It's rotated forward, all you need to do is push it back into place."

"I'm examining you," he says. "I can't just see what's wrong." He runs his paw over it, and she tries not to react. "Okay," he says, in a quieter voice, like he's talking to himself. "I just have to..."

"Push it back into place."

"I know."

"You're not acting like you know. Have you ever even done this before?"

"I've done this before," he says. "Brace yourself."

Holly takes a breath, preparing herself for the pain of the setting. Jayfeather presses his paw against her shoulder, leaning his weight on it, and she can't quite avoid whimpering at the pain. Jayfeather's ears fold back in determination, and he shoves even harder, until her shoulder slides back into place. The most pressing pain vanishes, leaving her only with lingering soreness, and the weight of Jayfeather pressing against the tender area.

"It's good!" she shouts. "You've got it."

Jayfeather pulls away, and before Holly can stand, he nuzzles her head. "Stay there," he orders. "I'll bring you some prey."

She sighs, licking at the wounds on her shoulder. They'll probably heal fine.

Holly tries to convince Jayfeather to let her go back to her own nest, but he insists she stays with him, and she only has so much energy to argue. They talk about casual things, and Jayfeather has his head on her side, and she can almost pretend nothing happened, that she never left, that they are just siblings.

Almost.

"So how'd Lionblaze end up with an apprentice?" Holly asks, purring.

"Oh," he says, "well — I knew Dovepaw or Ivypaw was going to be a seer, but I didn't know who. So I asked Firestar to apprentice them to Lionblaze and Cinderheart, so I could discuss their progress."

He says it calmly and casually and simply like it is a normal thing to do.

"You — personally picked mentors to spy on them?!" She shakes him off and stands, and Jayfeather's tail twitches dismissively.

"Well, how else was I supposed to know who was right?"

Holly growls, lost for words. "You're just manipulating them," she says. "You're — you can't just — I can't believe this!"

"Holly?"

"I'm going back to my den," she snarls. "I'll rest better there."

Jayfeather doesn't try to stop her.

Holly lies up in her nest alone, her shoulder still aching.

She tries not to think about Jaykit falling over the side of the gorge, and how she and Lionkit slept with him.

She tries not to think about being in the apprentices' den, and she used to whisper with Cinderpaw until Berrypaw complained they were keeping him up.

She tries not to think about curling up with Clara, and how on the nights when they didn't have patients and the basement was unnaturally silent Cannoli would cram into their box as well.

She keeps waking up at the slightest footstep.

Ivypaw drops a mouse in front of her. "Here."

"Thank you."

Ivypaw shifts, clearly uncomfortable. "Jayfeather told me to." She glances over her shoulder. "I wouldn't have done it otherwise."

Holly resists the urge to snap at Ivypaw. It's not the apprentice's fault that Jayfeather decided Holly needed more rest. As far as Holly was concerned, her shoulder was fine, just sore. But her opinion on the matter was worth as much as a mouse whisker.

"I know what you're doing," Ivypaw continues. "Everyone else thinks you're harmless, but I know the truth."

She spins, stalking out of the den before Holly can respond.

Breezepelt said her father was Crowfeather. Breezepelt said her father was Crowfeather, like it was something she should know.

Brambleclaw barely talks to her brothers.

She hasn't seen Brambleclaw or Squrirelflight share a single word.

Holly finds Jayfeather and Lionblaze sharing prey in the seer's den.

"Was nobody going tell me," she hisses, "that you knew our birth mother was Leafpool?"

Berrynose lurks outside Holly's den.

"Do you need something?"

"I was wondering if it had changed," he says, "or if they just replaced the moss."

Holly shifts. He's standing in the center of the entrance, making it impossible for her to leave without running into him, and she thinks he's doing it on purpose.

"What are you talking about?"

"They put you in the same cave as your mother," Berrynose says. "I guess this is where we're keeping all our prisoners, now."

"I'm not a prisoner."

"I don't care," he says. "I don't care what Firestar says, either. I have two kits in the nursery. If you so much as look in their direction..."

Berrynose bares his teeth, and then turns. Holly sinks deeper into her nest.

Does he even remember why she was exiled?

"Holly?"

"Hey, Squirrelflight."

Squirrelflight sits beside her, and sniffs at her shoulder. "Did Jayfeather—"

"It's fine."

Squirrelflight's tail flicks. "I just wanted to see you," she says. "You were gone for so long, and..." Squirrelflight shakes her head slightly. "Well, you were so excited to see Brambleclaw, I just..."

Holly feels a shuffling sensation of guilt, but she's just as short for words as before. "I'm...sorry." She glances around camp. It's midmorning, and most cats are on patrol. Jayfeather hasn't permitted her to leave, and Brambleclaw's grounded her until Jayfeather agrees, so she's stuck here. She takes a deep breath, makes sure they're alone, and then chokes out, "Why didn't you tell us?"

Squirrelflight narrows her eyes. "Tell you about what?"

"Breezepelt mentioned Crowfeather."

Her mother's eyes widen. Squirrelflight makes a sound like she's holding back a cough. "How do you—"

"Leafpool."

"You were young," Squirrelflight says. "And then it just...seemed easier not to. It had been going fine, so — why change it?" She touches her tail to Holly's back cautiously, and then leans down to lick Holly's cheek. "I didn't — I wish I was there to explain better." She starts to rasp her tongue over Holly's back, and Holly lets her, like she is a kit again. Squirrelflight starts to purr. "When Jayfeather lets you out of camp..." Squirrelflight's purr falters. "Well, you should know that she — carried the guilt of a lot of things after you left."

Holly's tail twitches without her consent. She wanted to speak to Leafpool. She has questions, questions that will go unanswered without Leafpool, and she has things she needs to say. She made a list of them, once, and she keeps changing what's on it, but the first two questions are the same.

Why? and Why then?

"I'm sorry I didn't do more," Squirrelflight continues.

"You couldn't have—"

"There's always something." Squirrelflight pulls away from Holly. "I'm sorry, love."

"It's not your fault." Holly shifts her weight, so that she's looking at Squirrelflight again. "And — I missed you too." She purrs, leaning to lick Squirrelflight's shoulder. "I don't blame you."

She does, just a little, but what else can she say?

"He's going to pick Ivypaw," Dovepaw says, her tail drooping. "I don't — I had a vision, from StarClan and everything, and he's still going to pick her."

Holly sighs. "Well, he's doing what he thinks is right."

"But it's not right!" she cries. "It's not! StarClan sent the vision to me! And he's going to realize he's wrong and then Ivypaw will be exiled and — what if he doesn't realize that he's wrong?"

She looks at Holly, her eyes round and wide. She and Ivypaw are already far older than Holly was when she was exiled, with moons of warrior training, but pointing out that Ivypaw will probably be fine if she's exiled wouldn't be helpful.

Besides, by the Clans' terrible metric for aptitude to heal, Ivypaw is excelling. She's gained a knack for omens, without any training, the sort of thing Holly never could see. She's the obvious right choice, and it's only Dovepaw's deliverance of the largest prophecy the Clans have heard since the Great Journey keeping her in the running.

"He'll make the right choice in the end," she says. "Focus on being the best you can be right now."

Dovepaw huffs, but doesn't respond.

"Rosepetal, why don't you lead a hunting patrol with Squirrelflight and Holly?"

Rosepetal nods. She eyes Holly, but if there's contempt, she's learned to mask it.

Lionblaze beckons to Holly in the evening, and she follows him into Jayfeather's den. He's sorting herbs — Holly recognizes valerian.

She doesn't think Leafpool used to stock that.

"Brought you some food, Jay," Lionblaze says.

"I don't need you to bring me food," Jayfeather responds, like this is a joke they've told many times. He brushes cheeks with Lionblaze, and Holly sits at the front of his den, unwilling to intrude on whatever routine Lionblaze has dragged her along to. "How's Dovepaw doing?"

Holly feels her lip curl up.

"Jumping straight in, are we?" Lionblaze chirps.

"Sorry." Jayfeather shakes his head slightly. "Firestar has just been nagging me about making a decision." Holly resists the urge to roll her eyes. "I'm hoping for something."

"Dovepaw wants it," Holly says, trying not to feel awkward talking to her own littermates.

"So does Ivypaw." Jayfeather sighs. "I'll figure it out."

"Of course you will." Lionblaze touches his nose to Jayfeather's shoulder, and then launches into an anecdote about something that happened on a patrol today. Holly settles down, her paws tucked underneath her, listening.

She's missed them.

Brambleclaw doesn't put her on patrols with just anyone. She's never without Lionblaze or Brambleclaw or Squirrelflight, and Berrynose and Spiderleg never make the cut.

She doesn't go near the borders after WindClan "captured" her. That's a personal choice.

"Don't you want to go to a Gathering?" Dovepaw asks, and Holly just looks at her. "You must've known cats in other Clans."

"Dovepaw, do you remember what happened when WindClan happened to see me at a border?"

"But there's a truce at a Gathering!"

Holly sighs. "There's a truce among Clan cats."

Dovepaw furrows her brow, like she can't understand there being more than one type of cat. "But—"

"I don't miss anyone from the other Clans," Holly says. "Don't worry about me."

She opens her mouth, then closing it, darting to Lionblaze's side. Holly wraps her tail around her paws. The whispering and glares are always worse at Gatherings. Without Firestar or Brambleclaw, it's like everyone feels safe to whisper a little louder. Or maybe they feel a little more unsafe. Holly can't quite bring herself to care.

Why should she, if they don't care about her?

"I was thinking," Jayfeather begins, "that you never finished your apprenticeship."

Holly stays silent. She's been healing cats since she left ThunderClan; wherever Jayfeather is ending this, she doesn't like it.

"So...I was wondering, what if I finished your training?"

Holly laughs.

"No, I'm serious. If I finished—"

"What are you going to teach me?" Holly says. "I know everything you know. I know everything I need to."

"But—"

"But what? Do you know how to treat a snakebite?"

"That's not fair."

Maybe it's not. Maybe she wouldn't have saved Honeyfern. "I saved Cannoli," she says. "I don't need you."

"At least think about it," Jayfeather pleads, and Holly doesn't answer.

"I want to know what happened to Leafpool."

"What?"

"You want to 'finish my training.' I want to know the truth."

"Holly, I don't want to talk about it."

She hisses, and Jayfeather startles. "She was our aunt and our mother and our mentor," Holly snarls. "I deserve to know what happened to her."

Jayfeather faces her. He is angry, his ears half-pinned. "Squirrelflight told us the truth," he says. "And after everything — I wanted justice."

"You chose to exile her?" Holly's voice is small, despite the rage his words inspire. That Leafpool is exiled is bad enough — Holly hasn't had time to process her fate, or perhaps hasn't allowed herself to, but it is still tragic — but for Jayfeather, knowing everything, to choose exile? "How could you?"

"Holly," Jayfeather starts, but Holly doesn't stay to listen.

"Hey."

Holly flicks her tail, and Lionblaze sits beside her.

"Jayfeather said you had an argument."

Holly curls her lips up. "Do you mean, 'He expected me to be fine with him exiling Leafpool out of petty revenge?'"

"Holly," Lionblaze says, softly. "It was — there was a lot going on. You weren't there."

"Right, because I was exiled."

He takes a deep breath in, and Holly looks away from him. "Ashfur had just tried to kill us," Lionblaze says. "And we had just found out, and—"

"I found out on the worst day of my life," Holly seethes. "I found out on the day I lost everything, and she was the one who took it from me. And I didn't say a word, even though I had every right to." She feels her tail fluff out, and feels ThunderClan cats start to look at them. In their eyes, she will always be the enemy, and Lionblaze will a victim. "So don't tell me I don't understand, or that Jayfeather had an excuse."

She turns, heading towards her den, and Lionblaze doesn't try to stop her.

"Let me finish your training," Jayfeather said, like it would just be that simple. Holly isn't sure how, but news of his offer has spread through camp, and the gossip is at least as bad as when she had just arrived.

If he hears it, he doesn't let on.

"He's been trying so hard to pick between Ivypaw and Dovepaw," Cinderheart says. "I'm not sure what changed his mind."

Poppyfrost scoffs. "Holly did, obviously. She always did want his position."

"Well..."

"Come on, Cinder. I know Lionblaze and Jayfeather think she's safe, but she's their littermate. Of course they think that." Poppyfrost's voice is gentle, as if she's simply discussing the weather. "But she was exiled, Cinderheart. She was exiled for trying to steal his position. This is just that, all over again."

If Cinderheart responds, Holly doesn't stay close enough to hear it.

The rain of leaffall begins and does not stop.

Holly stares in shock as Greystripe drags Briarpaw out of the ruined elders' den. The rain is still pouring, and Jayfeather ran to her, carrying a mouthful of herbs. It's a mix of things, and he spits them out, pawing through them frantically. Cats are filing back into camp, some of them watching Briarpaw, others gravitating towards Longtail. Dovepaw and Ivypaw sit next to one another with round eyes, watching in silence as Jayfeather bristles with frustration.

He lifts his head, turning towards Holly. "Aren't you going to help me?"

Holly blinks. "You want me to help?"

His tail twitches. "Yes," he says, his voice gruff, and Holly nods, rushing to his side. She knows ThunderClan must be upset, can hear Ivypaw mutter something unintelligible, but Holly ignores them, inspecting Briarpaw. "She's going into shock."

"I've got it," Holly says, finding a few pieces of thyme in the jumbled mess.

"Can you — actually, someone needs to help Rosepetal get herbs, and you might be able to describe them better."

"What do you want?"

Jayfeather runs his paw over Briarpaw's back. "How am I supposed to answer that?"

Right. Holly feels a sharp spike of longing, wishing she was home. She gives Briarpaw another look over. She doesn't have any visibly breaks, and Holly feels the beginning of a gnawing worry.

"Jayfeather, I don't think—"

"What?"

"I'll tell you later." Holly touches her nose to his shoulder. "I'll get you what you need." He makes a confused quirk of his tail, but begins chewing thyme, smearing it on Briarpaw's lips.

"Can we help?" Ivypaw asks, as she walks by them.

"You can help by giving them some space," Whitewing says, gently guiding them towards the edge of camp with her tail. She meets Holly's eyes, a surprising spark of gratitude in her face.

Holly dips her head, and continues on. The branches of the tree have nearly completely blocked off Jayfeather's den, but she can see a flash of Rosepetal's soft brown fur.

"I need..." She hesitates, trying to figure out how to describe it. "It's a root."

"Am I giving it to you, then?" Rosepetal calls.

"If you want Briarpaw to be alright."

Rosepetal doesn't respond, but Holly can hear her shuffle through Jayfeather's den. "There are multiple roots," she calls out. "Which one?"

"I'm surprised he—" Holly cuts herself off. Burdock is the only other root she knows of, even if it's strange Jayfeather is prepared for rat bites. "It should be...there should be one that's thick, and one with branches?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Okay, give me the branched on, and as much as you can."

Rosepetal shoves a pile of comfrey root through the branches, and Holly is glad she wasn't the one trying to fetch basic herbs. Jayfeather must have been pulling out his pelt, trying to get the right ones.

She carries it back, where Jayfeather is still manipulating Briarpaw's legs. Holly bites off a chunk of comfrey and begins chewing it.

"Her heartbeat's stabilized," Jayfeather says. "Can you — am I missing something? Her legs feel fine."

Holly spits the pulp onto Briarpaw's hindquarters. "No, you're not." She massages it in with her paw. "I don't...I'm sure there's bruising, maybe some fractures we can't feel. But she looks alright."

"I can't feel them," Briarpaw whimpers.

The worry from early resurges, but voicing it in such a public space will only make things worse. Holly presses her nose to Briarpaw's paw. "Jayfeather, her temperature is dropping."

"It's shock," he agrees. "But..."

"We need to get her out of the rain."

Jayfeather nods in agreement. "Greystripe, can you carry her somewhere sheltered? We'll follow."

"Can we reach my den?" Holly asks. "There's a nest, it's out of the rain, and it shouldn't have been blocked by the tree."

Greystripe hoists Briarpaw up, and Millie takes his side, supporting him and keeping a careful eye on their daughter. "I think I can get there."

Holly trails after them, watching Briarpaw's hindlegs. If she has control over them, she's not using it.

"If her legs aren't broken, I think we should focus on shock for tonight." Jayfeather touches his tail to Holly's back.

"I agree. Keep her warm until her heartbeat and breathing have stabilized, and then we can address her back."

"Her back?"

"I have a suspicion about what's wrong with her," Holly admits, "but — I could be wrong, and I don't want to worry anyone. The shock might be overwhelming her. I want to wait."

Greystripe sets Briarpaw down in Holly's nest. "Are you comfortable?" he murmurs. Briarpaw doesn't quite respond, looking vacantly out of the den.

"She's in shock," Holly says, stepping forward. "She's going to be very out of it for a while. You and Millie should stay with her, make sure she's warm, and Jayfeather and I will make sure she doesn't get worse over night."

Millie wraps herself around Briarpaw.

"I want to give her something," Jayfeather says, in a low whisper Holly can barely make out over the beating rain. "She's panicking, and it's not helping Briarpaw."

"I'll get it," Holly says. "And I'll have the other apprentices bring some more moss."

"If you get something for Millie, tell someone else to do that." Jayfeather licks her shoulder as she turns to leave. "I'd rather have you nearby."

In the morning, Holly wakes up next to Jayfeather. Her nose touches Briarpaw's back, and his head has ended up tucked against Holly's. She blinks at the disturbance, surprised that she's not more tired. All of the commotion of last night must have kept her asleep.

"I thought you all might be hungry," Lionblaze says softly.

"They will be, when they're awake." She extracts herself from the sleeping cats, following Lionblaze to just outside her den, where she can still see Briarpaw.

"Are you?"

She sniffs at the mouse he's brought. "I'm not sure."

"How are you not sure? It's a yes or no question."

"I think I need to eat, but — I'm still so wound up from last night, I don't feel hungry."

"Sounds like you should eat." Lionblaze blinks softly at her, and she bends down, taking a bite. "Is Briarpaw doing okay?"

"I just woke up, how would I know?"

"Sorry. I'm just..." He takes a deep breath, but Holly interrupts him before he can speak.

"No, I know." She sits up, leaning against him. "I'm just scared."

"You should have more to eat." He curls his tail around her. "But you and Jayfeather seemed to have things under control last night."

"These things change fast. But — she does seem stable." Holly looks across camp. Cats are hurrying to fix dens, and there are fewer glares in her direction than usual.

"I said they'd get used to you," Lionblaze purrs. He licks Holly's head. "Do you — miss that?"

"Miss what?" Clan life? She's not sure.

"Being a healer."

"Sometimes." Holly flicks her tail. "It's not like — it's different for loners. We can't just...do one thing. We all do a bit of everything. I don't know if I'd be happy, living the way Jayfeather does."

Lionblaze is quiet for a moment. "Dovepaw and Ivypaw both want to be his apprentice," he says, softly. "And he can only pick one."

"So...what if they always miss being able to heal?"

"Yeah."

She thinks about Leafpool, who was so entirely devoted to being a seer that she could barely catch herself a mouse. "It's unfair," she decides. "I wish you didn't do things like this."

"It is," Lionblaze agrees. "It's unfair."

On the first snowfall of the year, Dovepaw goes missing. Ivypaw, Jayfeather, Firestar, and Brambleclaw have left on the word of some dream that Ivypaw had, and when the sun first creeps above the horizon, Lionblaze goes to wake her for patrol.

She's not there.

Whitewing is frenetic, and Lionblaze paces anxiously. Even Briarlight sits with her siblings, discussing where Dovepaw could have gone in low tones. For her part, Holly carries on unperturbed. She's been a loner longer than she's been a Clan cat, and Dovepaw can take care of herself. If she wants to journey at night, she's probably fine.

"We'll find her," Birchfall soothes. "Let's just wait for Firestar to get back."

Camp continues on in a hushed tone, although no one leaves for patrol. Firestar's patrol returns not long after.

"Firestar!" Whitewing calls. "Dovepaw is missing, and—"

Whitewing's voice dies out abruptly. Holly stands, and sees Dovepaw step past Firestar. Behind her, pushing through the tunnel, a tom reminiscent of Brambleclaw stands with his head slightly hung.

"That's Tigerheart," Lionblaze whispers for her benefit. "Tawnypelt's son — from ShadowClan."

Ivypaw left because a ThunderClan cat was courting an enemy warrior.

"Berrynose, Thornclaw, Blossomfall," Firestar starts, rattling off patrols. Dovepaw is sent to the apprentices' den, and her family looks worried. Jayfeather waves Ivypaw away, showing his hurt in the way his tail drags on the ground. He's delayed in choosing an apprentice so long because of how he cares for both of them; Holly supposes having that choice taken from him must burn.

"I'm going to..." Lionblaze sighs. "I don't know."

"How long do you think it will take for Firestar to figure out what to do with Dovepaw?"

"I doubt he'll do anything until ShadowClan has collected Tigerheart."

"Then let's take a walk. Tell Brambleclaw we're hunting."

Lionblaze's whiskers twitch. "Sounds about as the same as everything else."

It's a good distraction, but it doesn't erase the worry. Taking a mate in another Clan is a serious offense, and Dovepaw isn't even a warrior. They don't speak on the hunt, and despite their success, Lionblaze's anxiety is tangible.

Holly carries a rabbit in for the freshkill pile, and meets Lionblaze's eyes. Firestar is sitting outside his den with Brambleclaw, Jayfeather, Ivypaw, and Dovepaw.

"Perfect timing," Lionblaze mutters.

Firestar beckons Lionblaze, and Holly shifts, staying close enough to listen in.

"I've decided," Firestar says, and Lionblaze's posture hardens. Dovepaw shrinks. "Dovepaw's punishment will be a moon confined to camp. While she is confined to camp, she will be responsible for all apprentice duties."

Holly winces. Briarlight, Bumblestripe, and Blossomfall might have become warriors over a moon ago, but that's not the same thing as Dovepaw having to do everything by herself. Ivypaw watches in silence, but with wide eyes. Jayfeather's tail is around her, and Holly feels another stab of sympathy for Dovepaw. She's lost everything, all in one swoop.

"Firestar, you can't—"

"I want to speak with you in private," Firestar says, cutting Lionblaze off. "I'm interested in knowing why StarClan had to inform us your apprentice was sneaking out."

Lionblaze's ears flatten against his head, and he follows Firestar into the leader's den.

"Dovepaw, go see if the elders need anything," Brambleclaw says, and she brushes past Holly as she leaves, her tail alternating between dragging in shame and bristling in anger. "Jayfeather, do you want to announce that you're taking Ivypaw as an apprentice?"

Jayfeather has one ear twisted in Dovepaw's direction. "No," he says. "Not — now. Before the half moon, maybe." There's grief in his voice, but Holly can't find it in herself to have sympathy for him. "Ivypaw, let's get you set up with a nest."

Brambleclaw's gaze turns to Holly. "I know you were listening."

"I wasn't trying to hide it." She takes a breath. It's not like she forgot how punitive the Clans can be, but it's more shocking, somehow, after being somewhere else. "I'm going back out."

"Do you want to take someone with you?"

"I'll be fine." ThunderClan seems to have decided she's safe enough, at least after helping save Briarlight. Besides, Holly can handle herself. "I should be back by sundown."

Jayfeather waits to announce it until the night of the half moon. It's only a few nights later, but he can't delay forever.

Holly sits next to Dovepaw as he says he's taking Ivypaw as an apprentice, and waits for Dovepaw to call her sister's name to cheer.

That night, Holly finds Dovepaw sitting between the apprentices' den and the nursery. Rosepetal is sitting vigil, but she doesn't notice Holly slip towards the apprentice.

"It's not fair," Dovepaw says, quiet rage burning like a lightning strike. "I wasn't — we weren't mates," she spits. "It's not even true."

"It wouldn't be fair if it was true."

Dovepaw huffs.

"You know," Holly says, lowering her voice to barely more than an exhale. "Jayfeather isn't the only cat who knows how to heal."

"No, he's not," she says, "but I don't want to end up like you."

Holly reminds herself Dovepaw has lost everything before she speaks. She reminds herself she remembers how that feels. "I am giving you an option," she spits out, through gritted teeth. "If you don't want it, don't take it."

"I'm sorry," Dovepaw says. "I just — I can't..."

"I understand." Holly can't help but relax, licking Dovepaw's shoulder. "Sun and moon above, Dovepaw, I understand more than you understand."

"I'm going to go back to sleep," Dovepaw says, arching her back. She turns to look back at Holly, and then darts to lick Holly's shoulder. "Thank you for the choice."

"Holly? Do you need something?"

Holly shifts. "I wanted to talk about something."

"Then by all means, come in." Firestar beckons her in, and Holly only hesitates for a moment. She's been here since last newleaf, and she hasn't had a proper conversation with Firestar since. They both find it hard to look at one another.

"It'll be coming up on a year of my arrival to ThunderClan soon," Holly says. "So...I need to leave."

Firestar narrows his eyes. "I certainly can't force you to stay, but I thought—"

"I'll be back." Holly cuts him off, and then goes silent. Their eyes meet, and Holly examines the ground. She forces herself to take a deep breath. "I'm explaining this all wrong — I left...some cats behind. Cats who — I owe it to them to go back and see them. I told them I would within a year, so I need to leave soon."

She sees Firestar's face go from confusion to amusement to soft affection. "Of course. So you'll be back?"

"It's about a moon's journey, but I can't promise I'll be back in exactly a moon." She doubts Clara will be willing to part after just a day. She doubts she'll be willing to part after just a day.

"You can bring them back with you," Firestar says. "They'd be welcome here."

Holly can't stifle her laughter. "I'm sorry," she says, taking long breaths, trying to force herself to calm down. "Thank you. But I just..." She pictures Clara in the Clans. Clara would hate it: she's never been serious about territory, and she loves the city. Holly prefers to bring injured cats proper freshkill, but Clara will take scraps over meat nearly every time. Not to mention, Clara knows too much about the Clans. Holly is pretty sure she'd chew Firestar out, if she had the chance, and Holly'd rather not mediate that conflict.

And Cannoli — he's young enough to adapt, but Holly doesn't want him to.

"No," she affirms, "I just want to know they're okay."

On her last day in ThunderClan, Dovepaw interrupts a hunt. Her punishment is over, but only barely, and — despite being old enough to be a warriors — she's not supposed to be out of camp without supervision. This is not an approved trip, nor is Holly a warrior, but Dovepaw has enough want burning in her eyes that the fear of retaliation seems to have been forgotten. She stands in front of Holly with the same calm anger she's held since she was first punished.

"Okay."

Holly blinks, confused. "What do you mean?"

Dovepaw's pelt bristles, and her eyes dart furtively. Why is she suddenly afraid of being caught?

"Oh." She wants to learn. "Of course, Dovepaw." Holly tries not to purr. She doesn't have time to teach much of anything, but she's delighted to have a student, and Holly has spent a long time preaching that everyone should know as much as they can bear to learn about healing. Dovepaw's anxiety doesn't fade, but her face brightens for the first time since she was caught.

"Where do we start?"