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It happened at the most random of times and places. He could be sitting at home with a cuppa and then the next block away from the CCPD.
At first, he thought he was sleepwalking. He went to doctors to see if he could find something wrong, but when they suggested it might be a mental problem, he grew scared and angry. If word got out that he had a possible mental illness, The CCPD would put him on permanent leave, and his career would be finished. He would not risk everything to be on top of his field just because he was blacking out.
So he dealt with it...or tried to.
As time went on, it started to happen more and more often. He began to lose days, not just hours. Go farther than usual, waking up in abandoned warehouses and fields. It was terrifying.
First, he'd hear the voice call his name.
"Julian!"
Usually, he tried to ignore it, but then it would call again, making it hard to focus on anything else but the voice.
It boomed in his ears and made them ring. All his senses heighten, and his heart picks up. Sometimes he tries to run away, but it just follows him like a game of cat and mouse.
"Julian!"
And then, like the final nail in the coffin, he called for him once more, and everything shuts down. He's caught him in his trap. There is nothing he can do to escape.
"Julian, become my servant once more!"
A wash of coldness would seep into his veins until numbness was all he felt and then darkness.
He doesn't dream; he doesn't have any recollection of anything he is doing or saying. It scared him. It truly scared him. It was the worse experience he had to go through.
That is until he became aware of what type of monster he truly was. How many people's blood his hands were drenched in. He was a murderer. He should be locked away and dealt with for his crimes. Caitlin said it wasn't his fault, maybe or maybe not, but he was part of why families won't get to see their loved ones again. It was on him.
He couldn't sleep now. Dreams or memories of what he did would surface. Guilt ate him up inside.
He went to a doctor to help with the nightmares, and they gave him a prescription for Zolpidem. Something to keep out the horrors and cure his insomnia.
It worked for a while, But the guilt still filled him every single time he had to pass the wall of the fallen. People he murdered...their picture's eyes seemed to follow him everywhere in the room, and the echoes of their dying screams and flashes of the heaps of their lifeless forms would pop into his head. He's been avoiding going into that room for longer than necessary now. He can't take it.
He was starting to do better. He was invited to join Team Flash, but was he?
At first, he was excited. Finally, he was included in something where his intellect could help people. But then time started to pass, and he could see the only one who accepted him on the team and who defended him was Caitlin.
How could he not become smitten over this beautiful Bioengineer? He is willing to admit that he became a little obsessed with her. She became his lifeline, his saving grace. She made him feel again for the first time since before Emma died. Since Rita.
She became his world. When that world started to crack, he was willing to do anything to try and keep those pieces together—even pulling off her necklace against her wishes and releasing her inner beast. As long as it meant saving her, he would do anything. He'd do anything for the people he loved.
First Emma, then Caitlin...maybe he felt too much or loved too quickly because the fall of despair made him desperate and did things that weren't thought out well out of that desperation.
Things took a turn for the worse. It turns out Allen was his tormented, after all.
No wonder he didn't like him very much...maybe he sensed the same presence? He knew it wasn't his Barry, of course, but it was some sort of Barry, and it made him scared of him just a little bit. Not that he would admit to being scared of Barry Allen.
He focused on getting Caitlin back and finding a cure. Forget everything else. That's all that mattered.
He needed her back...he needed to find solid ground again before he sank too deep in his darkness. He needed to find a light to lead him away. But how foolish was him to believe that light could come from someone who needed a light just as much him? When both are dark, no one can see anything.
He found a cure for her, and Savitar was gone. But she didn't take it. She wanted to embrace her darkness, see where it takes her.
He didn't understand. he wanted to, but his darkness scared him. He didn't want to touch it ever again, so he was forced to watch her leave him just like everyone else he cared about.
Then the speed force trapped Allen.
He knew Team Flash was in shambles, but what help could he be? He wasn't unique to the team how can something that is broken fix something just as broken?
So he left. He returned London a new man and tried to leave everything behind him. But he couldn't.
The pain and everything that happened to him would never leave him. It will always be there weighing on his heart, waiting to consume him the moment he stops fighting.