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"Guys, welcome! C'mon in!" Sam greeted Cas and Loki with smiles and hugs.
Each froze with their bags slung across their upper bodies like permanent fixtures as they each got a gander at Sam's humble abode.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer," Sam snarked, knowing full well the bunker compound that was his family home could be overwhelming to process at first, "Just a World War one era relic that's been passed down through the family."
"Holy smokes, how much family lives here with you?" Loki asked, eyeballing the place like he was casing the joint. Sam knew better; the guy was just nosey and curious.
Sam grabbed their bags and headed down the staircase with his friends following.
"You guys remember my brother Dean. He's off with his husband Benny this weekend. There's my Rowena, she's pretty cool if you meet her. And our pseudo sister Charlie's at Burning Man with Adam and Jack. It was the perfect time for you guys to be coming through town," Sam dropped their bags in two bedrooms and finished giving them the rest of the tour.
"I'm seriously impressed, Sam, this place is gargantuan," Cas observed, while dinner was in the oven.
They were already a few beers in and had passed the stage of catching each other up with regards to health, family, etcetera and now they were on to work.
"Love Guru," Loki casually informed.
Cas followed right up with "Medicinal herb dispensary..off the books."
"So after graduating from the academy of Magic, you're telling me you guys are doing porn," he pointed right at Loki, "and selling weed?" and chuckling at Cas.
"I grow it myself," Cas staunchly defended as he finished beer number four, "the 'with honors' part was for my exceptional mastery of practical applications in herbology, if you remember."
"Don't judge until you've tried some, pipsqueak," Loki wagged a finger at Sam. He doesn't grow the nasty rat weed. Cassie's blends will have you touching the sky and kissing the mother fucking rainbow."
Sam gleefully shot him a faux accusatory expression.
"I refuse to recommend something without having sampled it myself," Loki fired back with sincerity.
Crossing his arms, Sam declared, "Glad I'll never have to suffer through a lecture on abstinence from you."
"Screw you, I happen to love my job. Men and women walk away from me, if they can walk at all, having had the most satisfying orgasms of their lives. I may not have specialized in sexual healing you brat, it's a calling I stumbled on later."
"Yeah, he tripped and stumbled on some guy's dick. Then when the guy wouldn't stop calling him, saying he was the best lay he'd ever had and felt ten years younger, that's when he decided to test out his little theory," Castiel got up, found a couple of tumblers, then poured from a bottle which he'd just materialized.
"Oh, you know it's not little, cousin.." Loki snarked and gestured for Cas to give him the drink already.
Chuckling, Sam asked, "What's tonight's poison?" He was already feeling kinda loose goosey from the beers and spending the day cleaning, completely forgetting to eat.
"Absinthe," Cas causally informed as he set Sam's and his tumblers down.
Right away, Sam tried digging in his heels. "Don't you remember what happened the last time we drank that?"
"Nope."
"To Hell," Loki smiled with just a hint of mischief while raising his glass, "May the stay there be as fun as the way to it."
"I miss this, all three of us together again. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder," Cas cheerfully suggested.
"And the brain all the more foggy, " Loki declared, downing a large gulp.
When dinner was done and their stomachs near bursting, Sam was really feeling a pretty sweet buzz kicking in. He remembered Loki and Cas offering to help with the dishes. Then him putting the kibosh on that because instead of actually helping, a few dishes floated through the air and collided, breaking. After that, the night went dark.
Sam felt cold along with an ungodly pressure in his skull. His first attempt to lift his head was met with a distinct, "How about NO," from his neck, as it was hanging downward. His mouth was a desert and tasted as if the famed Mongolian death worm had been camping out in it, throwing sand everywhere.
A foul crust had gathered in the corners of his mouth, which he wiped away after having pulled his upper body to rest on the shorter library shelf upon which he'd passed out naked. Fuck, he was hurting. Fuck booze. Fuck Loki and Cas.
From somewhere else in the room, came a few painful groans. He carefully opened his right eye and wished he hadn't. Loki was naked and spread eagle on the library table. An ace of spades and an ace of hearts covered each nipple.
Cas was MIA. But at that moment Sam couldn't be bothered to give a flying fuck, as the bulk of his remaining brain cells and energy were being diverted to getting down from the library alcove shelf and standing, without purging whatever was in his stomach, preferably. As he managed to stand, allowing the blood which had pooled in his head to rush to the rest of his body, he caught a flash of bright pink satin movement from underneath the library table.
Sam swiftly grabbed a book from the shelf, (unaware of its title, Spiritus Gravis Delore) to cover his 'precious' and skulked to his room for some clothes. He downed a shit ton of aspirin, but realized immediately how badly that would mess up his stomach, so he schlepped into the hall towards the kitchen.
"Ugh." Sam heard a groan coming from the bathroom and found a semi conscious Cas, naked in the bathtub with his socks still on. Poor bastard had the bottle of absinthe hanging out of his mouth. His arm hung over the tub's side, it was reaching inside the mini fridge which Sam surmised he'd managed to unplug and drag into the bathroom, but of course hadn't plugged back in.
"Cas?" Sam whispered.
"Don't.. ask stupid questions," Cas word barfed, then held his head in obvious pain.
"What?" Sam asked, holding his own still-pounding head.
"Feels like..I found a..liquor store..and drank it."
"We might have, I don't remember a thing," Sam winced and grabbed one of the dead guy robes from the nearby rack. "C'mon, we should get something in our stomachs. We can go back to bed afterwards.
After contemplating if the tub was a safer place than on his two feet in the hallway, Cas begrudgingly reached out his hand for Sam's help out. By the time they were peering into the kitchen, hoping a house elf or some shit was cooking them breakfast or concocting a hangover cure all, the sounds of sudden consciousness greeted them from back in the library.
First, a loud thud smacked the table. Second- "Aaaaaaaaaaaa Kelly Clarkson!" alerted them to the fact that Loki had awakened, but provided no clarity on who made the mysterious table thud until a very distinct accent rang out.
"Wit did yae do that for?!" Rowena loudly barked.
Sam and Cas knew Loki all too well, and simultaneously decided no place on Earth was safe if Rowena and Gabriel got off on the wrong foot.
When they rounded the corner to the library, Rowena was evidently having as good a start to the morning as the rest of them.
"Aye, I was bloody steaming! But if a wanted an asshole's opinion onit a widda farted. It was I who chapped the table with my head after yae hollered, no the other way around," she lectured, looking all the world like she'd stuck her wand in the light socket.
"Rowena, I didn't know if you'd be home this weekend. These are my friends from school, Loki and Cas," Sam tried softly explaining.
"Ae know, met them all last night, or yae dinnae remember?" She griped, smoothing her pink dress.
"Not a thing," Sam confessed in embarrassment, hoping he'd not made a complete jackass of himself.
"Kitchen. I know a wee spell for that. And something for our achin' heads."
The playing cards were still stuck to Loki's man boobs and he held Dean's slipper in front of his junk. "She's..she's..fuck I need a shirt," Loki said, rubbing his face.
"Yeah, you need to cover up those tits," Cas sarcastically concurred, with Loki completely missing him gesture to his junk airing out.
While Loki went off to find clothes, Sam and Cas met Rowena in the kitchen where she'd already got a pot on and was rummaging through the fridge. Sam noticed another bottle of absinthe on the counter, unopened. Just the sight of it made his stomach turn. Beside it was one of her purses.
She piled a bit of this and that on the island, but when Loki shuffled in with a fresh shirt spelling "Low Key, Loki" across the front, Sam was thankful he remembered a pair of shorts and house shoes. In all fairness, he had been expecting a guy's weekend. Row seemed so fixated on ridding herself of the hangover, she gave not a damn.
Once a few things were thrown into a pot on the stove, she poured them all a drink of absinthe.
"No."
"I'm good, thanks."
"No fucking way."
"It's nice tae know everyone can agree, but ae wasn't askin'. Hair of the dog that bit yae will start the process n' that," she pointed to whatever she was making on the stove, "will rid yae of the rest."
All of them made a cacophony of grumbles, to which she slammed her hand on the table and cracked the verbal whip at them. "We were all full blootered last night. Only difference is ae was shootin' the bevy just tae deal with you lot when a came home!"
Her irritation was out of character, and he really wondered what kind of fuckery to which she'd been subjected.
"Here’s to those who wish us well, all the rest can go to hell. Slainthe!"
The absinthe was so strong it had his eyes watering and his stomach a hair's breadth away from purging itself, but he shoved the bile down and pushed through, only for her to refill all their shot glasses once more. Then she took out her wand and a crystal ball from her purse, setting them down in the center of the breakfast nook.
"Place yer hands on the ball and channel into it."
The coffee was ready, so while she poured them all mugs, they did as she asked even though it was grossly uncomfortable; feeling like their brains and stomachs had switched places.
The contents in the pot on the stove were nearly boiling and beginning to smell good. Sam still didn't know what was in it, but the scent he felt calmed his stomach.
Rowena appeared to steel herself for something truly regrettable as she touched the crystal ball determinedly, and held her wand standing upright from the table.
Rowena issued a simple, "Memorias Revelare," then slowly, silent yet alarmingly sharp images began to appear from the wand, as if shown through a flashlight pointed upwards.
From Sam's perspective, they watched him warmly greeting Loki and Cas. Then they saw through Loki's eyes the tour of the bunker and later, Cas pouring them the absinthe. After that, things began to get downright goofy. It was sometimes difficult to tell from whose perspective they were watching.
Sam and Cas started doing the dishes, from the breakfast nook. They'd cast a spell on the sink like in Disney's 'The Sorcerer's Apprentice' with dishes, and it held well, until the alcohol began having a stronger effect. That's when dishes began to collide, the scrubber wand chased Cas out of the room after trying to insert itself up his nose (of which all present became suspicious of Loki as the images contained a hint of intentional mischief on his part). So far the night's secrets were revealing themselves to be delightfully amusing.
And then it took a sharp turn into what-the-fucksville. The wand images showed them drunkenly bumbling around the outside of the bunker with tea cups from the kitchen, and Sam holding a Mad Hatter-esque booze ball. With the absinthe tucked neatly under his arm, they were waltzing rather poorly, Cas bowed to an elm and became perturbed when it refused to accept his invitation.
Sam couldn't help but stifle a laugh, which hurt like Hell.
Next Loki and Sam bowed to each other as if preparing to engage in a Cotillion, sloshing absinthe out of their tea cups. Yet when it came down to it, they broke out in an energized type of screwed up square dance, with Loki howling,"Samshine, ya know how to ho down?"
"Oh no," Cas commented, covering his mouth in petrified anticipation.
Loki then proceeded to dip Sam, drop him, and did a dorky little jig. "Aaand that's how you ho down!"
Cas gave up on the tree and caught a shooting star in the sky. Deciding to give it a friend, he pulled out his wand and shot a firework into the heavens which, burst into an orangutan wearing cosmetics and a wig, grinning and waving before sparking out.
Loki then took the opportunity to one up him and shot two fireworks from his wand, which became two tiddies expanding in size until they eventually fizzled out.
Sam saw Cas holding his coffee, boring holes in the breakfast nook with his eyes. He looked fearful of discovering he'd done something truly unforgivable.
"I can do better than both of you," Last Night Sam declared, aiming his wand to the heavens, unleashing a torrent of lights above them.
"Very gay kama sutra there Samsquatch!" Loki hollered as a plethora of dicks and balls illuminated the night sky, appearing in various positions.
Abruptly the dick and balls disappeared as if erased from the sky.
"Samuel! What are yae doin'?" rang the ire-filled voice of his beloved.
"Oh shit! Shhhhh!" Sam shhhed them both and pulled them down behind a bush.
"Who's that?" Loki asked.
"My signif-" Sam started to say, but was cut off by Cas.
"Oh my Gods, Sam, you're dating that Improper Use of Magic lady!?! What's her name?" Cas snapped his fingers trying to recall the character's name.
"No I'm not dating D-"
"Delores Umbridge, Cas!" Sam barked a bit too loudly.
That's when Sam laid his head down on his arms at the breakfast nook, knowing Rowena would be tearing his ass a new one later.
"Och Samuel, please!" Rowena barked at him in irritation, "was hardly your best hit of the night. Ah, here it comes...have a wee look at wit you've done."
Images from Sam's perspective revealed him leading them into the garage and seemingly unleashing every manner of spell upon the poor, unsuspecting aged vehicles.
Sam gasped, then groaned. He stood and B lined it for the garage. When ripping the door open he had a temporary heart attack. Every car was there, but in cartoon form.
Loki roamed in behind Sam and startled him. "Yikes, what did you do? Let Ramone from Radiator Springs turn your auto collection into Route 66 themed Pimp Mobiles?"
Sam had to admit, Loki hit the nail on the head. Every car looked like a vehicular sex worker from the various decades of whence it rolled off the assembly line. The suspensions had been tampered with, the pristine paint care Dean had given them were now in the crapper with pinks, purples, and greens now coating them. Knick knack dangly shit hung from the roof of nearly every car. Sam had the sickening suspicion that if he dared take a closer look, the upholstery would look dramatically different, and multicolored shag carpet might adorn some of the back seats.
He cringed painfully. It was sacrilege and he hadn't a clue how to fix them. Fuck! Had he lucked out on Dean refusing to fly down to Louisiana, taking Baby instead. That was a blunder he knew he wouldn't survive. Sam slunk back inside, dragging his feet, taking his time getting back to the kitchen.
He walked in on Rowena and Cas, setting down bowls full of whatever kind of stew she'd made while they watched a rather riské lip sync performance by Cas upon the library table to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" who'd glamoured himself into a seductive, black leather bustier, shooting sparks and flame from its cone shaped tits. It paired nicely with Loki's sparks shooting from a dick shaped apparatus when he sang, "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang, complete with every filthy gyration in existence.
Sam could see Rowena in the background, keeping her distance and hiding in one of the library alcoves, covering her mouth, desperately trying not to laugh and/or spill her drink.
The image of him glamoured up in an eighties green pencil skirt and acid wash jean jacket, and part of his hair up in a ponytail singing horrifically to Nina's “99 Luft Balloons” was too much. He wanted to crawl under the table and pass out, just sleep this nightmare away. But it wasn't over yet.
Since it appeared Sam, Cas, and Loki each declared themselves the winner of their Lip sync Battle tournament and they were dressed so fabulously, Cas determined that the only logical activity to do next was play strip poker. By this point, it was clear that Loki considered Rowena incredibly beautiful, and while under non 'blootered' circumstances, he'd never pull this kind of shit, last night he'd got it in his head that losing at strip poker and therefore showcasing his physique was the ticket to catching Rowena's eye.
So he did what any drunk-off-his-asshole would do and made damn sure to get naked, by throwing almost every hand he had. Until Sam got pissed and called him on it, then stormed out of the library throwing his cards at his naked ass. The next thing Loki remembered was the loud 'thump' of Rowena's head from underneath the table awakening him.
The last thing Cas remembered was dragging in the mini fridge to the bathroom in hopes of having a "Calgon, Take Me Away!" me-time moment, then passing out before he could even turn the water on.
Sam watched his mostly naked self returning to the library, determined to apologize to Rowena for the craptastic behavior to which she'd returned. Unfortunately, all he seemed capable of was reciting tax law to a passed out Rowena under the library table before climbing on to the alcove shelf, which he must have mistakenly thought was a bunk bed.
As he took the last few bites of stew, feeling the effects of the previous night’s insanity slowly draining from him, he looked at Rowena. "I don't normally..drink like this."
"Nor I. But it's a blustery day oot there now. Let's tidy this place up a wee bit. Anyone for a relaxing movie night in the Dean cave? I'll not be steaming like that for another decade or so, at least."
All nodded, making vague commentary about never drinking again...until the next time anyways.
Sam was definitely feeling much better by the time dinner rolled around. Thankfully there were plenty of leftovers in addition to Rowena's miracle stew. When Cas and Loki went to the Dean cave to select a movie, Sam hung back to help Rowena with the dishes.
"Thanks for putting up with us, Row." And he meant it.
She shrugged and smiled. "Boys will be boys. Maybe don't wait so long to catch up with them next time, mm?"
Even though Sam was gonna be good for a while, he agreed.