Chapter Text
How are you?
The ding pulled both sisters out of their stupor, lethargic from the humidity despite being in a covered area, and the several mixed drinks ordered. They both looked down at the same time to the table between them, each hoping it was for them.
They froze when they saw the name on the screen.
Emily immediately sat up and rested her sunglasses on top of her head, unconvinced that she had read it properly. She could feel Vinnie’s eyes on her, silently anticipating her next reaction. She could feel her face grow hotter, an odd cocktail of shame, embarrassing hopefulness and dread. She sucked in a breath, fingers tingling, but not daring to reach for her phone just yet.
Before she knew it (and no less than offended by it), she was blinking back tears.
This seemed to shake Lavinia out of the trance they were both in, her sisterly instincts seemed to kick in and in one smooth movement she snatched the phone away, slipping it into one of the cups of her modest two piece.
“Vinnie!”
She put on her best firm face, but Vinnie was sporting her own and she knew it would be no small feat to get her phone back at this juncture.
“Lavinia.”
She tried again, trying to come off serious and threatening without drawing attention from the other patrons at the hotel rooftop they’d found themselves at.
Lavinia arched her eyebrows.
“Emily.”
“You have to give it back, it’s not yours.”
“I’m keeping it safe. You’ll get it back once you chill.”
“I am very chill. I am the textbook definition of chill.”
“Emily Elizabeth, you have zero chill. Always.”
Emily lunged at her sister but she was too quick.
“I just want to see,” she pleaded.
Vinnie narrowed her eyes and adjusted her boobs.
“We both read it. I don’t think you need to answer it.”
“But-”
“If it were me, and Joseph texted me out of the blue, you would a hundred percent tell me not to text him back. Like not even leave him on read. Show him he’s so insignificant in my life that I won’t even bother to open his messages.”
Emily could not argue with that because that was exactly what she would tell her little sister to do, she was much too good for that jackass.
“Look, I know it’s like a fresh wound and it’s natural to want to open the gates of communication again, but you have to think about yourself first.”
“I am thinking of myself first.”
“No, you’re thinking about how you’re lonely and miserable and how you need them back in your life. Well you don’t. You don’t deserve someone who couldn’t even figure out what you meant to them, ok? You don’t need someone who only put in half the effort you did. It’s bullshit.”
At that Emily deflated back in her chair, forlorn and chastened. There was nothing to counter her sister’s very dramatic, albeit true declaration that even opening the message was sabotage.
Vinnie’s eyes softened.
“Look, let’s sit with this for a little bit. In like an hour, if you still want to respond, you’ll get your phone back. But until then, I'm going to try to keep my sister out of harm’s way, ok?”
Emily nodded sullenly and dropped her sunglasses over her eyes. Both women reached for their drinks in silence.
“You’re very annoying when you’re sensible and mature.”
Vinnie wriggled her shoulders in delight.
“Thank you, all those Humanities classes I took are paying off.”
“Oh my god, am I being punished for something?”
Vinnie bumped into her back when she came to a sudden stop.
“Em, what-” Emily held her wrist in a vice grip.
“Shut. Up.”
This mean, desperate Emily was a rare creature, Vinnie immediately stopped and waited for further instruction. She peered over her shoulder to see her source of ire straight ahead.
There in the apartment common room was Sue Gilbert.
She had taken up residence at a large table by herself. Glasses perched at the end of her nose, very serious expression on her face. Notes strewn about her, laptop open.
Emily knew the risks of her siblings still living in the same apartment building as her meant there was a chance they might run into each other now and then but it was particularly traumatic after the text she had received earlier (she still did not have possession of her phone and had conceded that it was probably best Vinnie keep it until the end of the day).
Emily should have backed out of the room before she looked up and made a motion to acknowledge her, but her heart seized at how effortlessly beautiful the brunette looked.
Always so put together, graceful and gracious where Emily was loud and often clumsy.
God she missed her. Missed having someone to confide in, someone who she had grown up with that had been there through all her transitions, her phases and shared a piece of history with.
They’d had their own unspoken language, could communicate paragraphs and monologues with a single look.
But then Sue had gone and done the thing and Emily had no choice but to cut her out of her life. It was simple self preservation. If she couldn’t trust Sue, well, then what did they have anymore?
The woman in question raised her eyes and froze, a deer caught in the headlights, doe eyes shocked, then wounded.
Emily could write prose upon prose about Sue’s beautiful eyes, about how emotive they were. There was a sheen to them now that pained every part of her.
“Hi, Susie!”
“Oh my god, Lavinia, are you fucking serious right now?”
“It’s been almost 3 months, you’re both being stupid. Sue is family, you have to make up eventually.”
“She-”
Vinnie squealed in delight.
“It’s so cute!”
“Cut her hair,” Emily finished.
She was unable to keep the defeat out of her voice. Vinnie side-eyed her.
“You don’t like it? I think it suits her round little face, it’s perfect.”
“She’s different.”
“God, Emily, you’re so dramatic, it grows back.”
“I guess.”
Before she could process anything else, her sister was way too close to her face.
“It doesn’t mean what you think it does. You’re the poet, aren’t you supposed to like, understand nuance?”
She hated that Lavinia was always right about everything.
Emily could see Sue struggling to appear normal as she sat up in her chair. Vinnie rushed to her, reaching across the table for a kiss on the cheek and a hug. They spoke in low voices while she stood back like an idiot watching the exchange. There was relief in Sue’s eyes and she couldn’t help but feel her heart lighten a little at the sight. She wasn’t a complete monster.
Vinnie walked backwards still holding Sue’s hand and did not let go until it was physically impossible to keep holding it.
“Wow. Gay much? You’re acting like she’s been away at war or something.”
Vinnie pursed her lips, an unnervingly knowing look on her face.
“One, you know I don’t bat for your team, two, just because you can’t figure your shit out doesn’t mean I have to treat her like a leper. I lost her too, out of loyalty to you, ok? I love her just as much as you. I mean not actually like-”
“I don’t know what you’re implying Lavinia.”
Her sister had the audacity to smirk.
“Of course you don’t. Come one, let’s eat something to soak up all this alcohol.”
They didn’t get very far before Vinnie turned back and poked her head into the room again.
“I forgot to tell you I love your new hair! I would for sure try to romance you if I was into ladies!”
She ignored the annoyed mumble coming from her sibling behind her.
Sue lifted a self conscious hand to her hair but returned the smile in amusement anyway.
The Dickinson siblings had not been in their apartment for very long as it had taken some time to convince their father that letting them all move out together was not a complete waste of money when they had perfectly good rooms at home (and that there was nothing codependent about it). Though they had lived harmoniously enough, not long after Emily happened to find the perfect little house of her dreams to write in, a room of one’s own, she had declared, and immediately made it her own.
By then Austin and his girlfriend Jane had gotten serious enough to simply move her things into Emily's old room. Jane was family at this point, even when dismissive or apathetic (and disturbingly perceptive when least expected) and she made Austin happy. Kept him grounded when he felt impulsive.
The four of them found themselves together more than not, especially when the poet dropped in. Most of the time if she was not at her own place, she was with her siblings. Especially after everything with Sue, she needed comfort and familiarity. They didn’t bat an eye anymore when she arrived unannounced at all hours.
Emily trudged in after Vinnie, no longer feeling relaxed by their planned pool excursion. The evening had been soured by the two people she wanted to hear from the least.
Austin and Jane, both of whom had promised to meet up with them at said pool, were sprawled on the couch, staring vacantly at some movie.
“So glad you chose to do this instead of leaving the apartment.”
Vinnie couldn’t help keeping the sarcasm out of her voice.
“Us, too.”
Austin at least had the sense to look apologetic.
“Sorry guys, we meant to, honest. But then we got so comfy and we never have the apartment to ourselves.”
“Like, I don’t get it. Their chemistry is perfect but this is very queer bait-y?”
Jane waved lazily at the screen.
The sisters shared a glance in amusement.
“It’s compelling as a look into competitions getting in the way of friendships anyway.”
Everyone turned to Austin in surprise simultaneously. Vinnie scoffed.
“Austin, you read that on the back of a cereal box or something.”
Indignant, their brother turned back to the screen.
“Anyway. We ordered pizza,” Jane offered.
“Thank god. Emily and I were getting grouchy walking around in this heat, trying to figure out where to go before we gave up.”
Lavinia gestured for them to make room for her, which they did, groaning in protest. Emily started to back away towards the stairs.
“Um, actually, will you guys just call me when it gets here? Vin, I’m going to write in your room ok?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Don’t you want to find out if maybe they end up together?”
“They don’t, but the ending is satisfying.”
“That’s a spoiler!”
Instead of heading to Vinnie’s desk, Emily paced, phoneless and restless. Tidying objects on the dresser knowing she’d be scolded for it later. Tightening the bun on her head and then loosening it before laying down on the carpet.
She folded her hands on her stomach, willing the chaotic energy in her veins to still. She was not going to cry instead of writing a poem. She was not going to wallow.
The worst part was that she didn’t even miss Sam. It was only the idea of him, she had enough self-awareness now to realize that at least. But then why had she been so desperate to respond? He wasn’t even an ex, he was elusive, above anything else. Hot and cold. Completely considerate then totally disinterested.
She did miss the three of them hanging out.
Her, Sue and Sam.
Her best friend and her almost kind of boyfriend.
There was something about the dynamic that thrilled her. They both sparkled, she liked to think. She did too. They became their best selves when it was the three of them. They all came alive, especially Sue. Shy beautiful Sue, who put up with her and tolerated her obsessions and bad taste in people.
No one in the world loved her the way Sue did.
It had never been boring but she had also felt safe. She felt wanted (except the times she didn’t). She wanted to drag Sue to third wheel on her hangouts until it was too late.
She had been so naive. But a hard lesson had been learned from it all. And now she didn’t have either of them.
“You’re cold.”
“I’m fine, really.”
It was an unseasonably cold day for spring. They were walking around aimlessly, something they often did, usually ending in a discovery or an adventure. Emily liked to think she had a bit of a nose for it.
There wasn't anyone else she’d rather get lost with (and then find home with) than Sue. In contradiction to her statement, she held tighter to her cup of coffee.
“Unacceptable, Susan.”
Emily handed her her own take away cup to gingerly remove her over-sized cardigan.
“Then you’ll be cold. Emily, if you get sick, I'm going to feel awful.”
“Shush.”
She straightened it out over her shoulders., ignoring her best friend’s protests before taking her coffee back.
“It looks so cute on you.”
Sue flushed, biting down on her lip to prevent a smile. “What about you?”
The admonishment did not come out as harshly as she intended. Emily pointed to her head.
“I have this beanie. Anyway, Dickinsons are from tough stock.”
Sue rolled her eyes and handed her own coffee over to be able to slip her arms into the sleeves properly. She had to admit, she felt a lot better about walking around, they had only just started, it was hard to predict how long or where their walk would take them. Even though she knew it might warm her up, she had not been looking forward to the day getting progressively windier and colder.
“You’re most welcome, Sue.”
Sue bit the inside of her cheek and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. When Emily finally noticed and stopped, she yanked on her t-shirt (some nerdy lit thing).
“Emily Dickinson, you are something else.”
Emily remembered the soft look in her eyes, the way she had taken in a shallow breath, dizzy at Sue’s proximity, her warmth. Doing everything in her power to not acknowledge the unspoken between them. Occasionally she still found herself burrowing into the cardigan that still smelled faintly of Sue. The younger girl had kept it for some time, worn it often on cold days when she hung out with Emily.
It sent a thrill straight to her belly to see Sue in her clothes. She refused to dissect the meaning behind it. It would not end well for anyone. Even now, she couldn’t bring herself to, with this unnameable ache, brewing in her bones, in her blood.
Up until today she had been doing a pretty good job at pretending that she didn’t need Sue, or rather that Sue didn’t exist. That Sue hadn’t left a giant gaping hole inside of her nothing could fill. And then she had seen her today.
So forlorn, so lost, not only mirroring, but making her own emptiness more pronounced than before.
She knew their suffering had been mutual, but she was not going to let it eat her alive. She was going to survive, no, she was going to thrive and show everyone that she was strong, even without the brunette. She could stand on her own. It’s just that-
The house was so empty without her. They had been so excited to move in together, made so many vague and concrete summer plans.
But it had gone to hell in a handbasket. Well fuck her. And fuck Sam. And fuck everyone.
“I think you need to go on a date.”
Emily moaned in response, upset at the intrusion and the pressing weight on her back. She turned her face into the pillow.
“Do we have to talk about this now?”
“Yes! Because I have a friend of a friend who’s totally down to go out with a poet. She’s an artist too so you’ll have lots to talk about!”
“You’re insane.”
“I just want you to take your mind off things and have a good time with a stranger who you may or may not connect with. Is that so awful? It’s one night!”
“If I agree, will you let me go back to sleep?”
“Absolutely.”
Almost immediately, the tv was turned on. Emily groaned and rolled over.
“I hate you.”
“Hey, I let you crash on this couch on a pretty regular basis even though you have a perfectly cozy home to go to. I’m hearing a lot of negative attacks on my character.”
Emily’s face burned in embarrassment thinking of all the flimsy excuses she used to not go home to an empty house. Vinnie understood, never tried to convince her she should sleep in her own bed. Never questioned why or tried to get her to talk about everything that happened. At least not anymore. She supposed it wasn’t fair to be such a dick, even if it was incredibly rude to be woken up so abruptly.
Emily huffed and sat up, pushing her hair back out of the way.
“I can make us pancakes,” she offered demurely.
No reaction from her sister until a slow smile crept its way onto her face and she side-eyed the poet.
“Deal.”
It was one of her favorite things about Lavinia. Sure she could be pushy and dramatic and self-absorbed, but her sister was loyal, always encouraging and proud of the people she loved. And always always shrugged off an apology, forgiving easily, as long as you were sincerely sorry for the transgression. Vinnie was easy to love. Emily wasn’t so sure she could say the same about herself. Even once someone got past her weirdness, there was no guarantee they would stick around, not that it was something she dwelled on, she liked herself enough not to. Vinnie though, was faultless.
“Will you make the little round ones with the lemon curd?”
“Only for you, Vin.”
Emily felt like a ghost haunting her own space.
She wandered the halls in her night dress, unable to sleep, unable to write. So she walked. Walked until her limbs grew heavy and her steady stride became half hearted shuffles. She was surprised there was not a well worn trail in her floors, on the rugs. There were too many ripples coursing inside, each taking deviating paths, with their own distinctive name. They were dangerous routes, if Emily allowed any one of the currents to take her, she would be ushered to the same place in her cavernous heart, all called Sue.
When she did manage to close her eyes, she would eventually wake rattled and mortified. There were dreams, different each time but always the same. She and Sue in clothes from another time. Long skirts and blouses buttoned all the way up. There was a warmth to them, that’s what haunted her the most.
They were brief glimpses of their lives. Together. Kisses in orchards, reading by a fire. Baking in an old fashioned kitchen. In the most recent one, Emily had awoken in a cold sweat, even though the dream had not resembled a nightmare in any way. Breathing shallowly, she had remembered dream Sue straddling her lap. The layers and layers of skirt she’d had to push aside to get to where Sue needed her. Her soft, dark eyes.
It felt like another lifetime.
Sighing loudly, she had resigned herself to not being able to sleep for at least a couple more hours. Had pressed her thighs together, determined to banish the dream from her thoughts.
On a night like that Emily would usually sit at her desk and churn out a poem or two but it had been quite some time since she had been able to pen a single word, let alone be inspired by anything.
The words floated just out of reach, pale apparitions taunting her. Her brain felt on fire when she was ready to put pen to paper, thrumming with the need to purge everything before she forgot the right words. Now her brain lay like a vestigial organ, oddly silent and ineffectual (not unlike the rest of her).
Maybe she had already died and hadn’t realized it yet, doomed to be a spectre in this home forever. It would be just like her, wouldn’t it? Stubbornly refusing to accept the facts before her. But what other choice did she have but to meander the same trail night after night? Unable to find peace with grief lurking, never far behind, even though she pretended that she could outrun it.